Sunday, May 2, 2010
Wow....It's Been Awhile
Please forgive me....but I actually forgot about you. Nice to know that you were willing to patiently wait for me. Life has continued on since last we talked. The boys have grown as have I and we are now in the midst of another spring.
We have a new addition to our family by the name of Ayden and soon he will be celebrating his second year with us. Yes, I am a proud aunt...although I rarely get to see the little tyke.
I was a grandmother again last year.....but only for a short while, then we found out it was a lie, told by a young girl who either wasn't sure who the dad was, or was rolling the dice trying to pick who she felt would be the best. At any rate....it was heart breaking and I wanted a do over...letting my heart be broken yet once again. I survived....we all survived, but I still think of the little girl who was a part of our family and loved by all for those few months.
It is now 9 years since my husband left us and 8 years since Mom has been gone. I miss them both terribly, but blessedly I don't usually have the terrible missing feeling for both of them at the same time. Sometimes I just really need my husband, and others....I feel like a little girl again and really need my mom.
The kids are growing, getting older and becoming the individuals that they are. My oldest two (my husbands from another marriage) are experiencing the joys of adulthood. My beautiful daughter has seen her share of sorrow and fought through those nasty little curves that life seems to throw at us all from time to time. She has suffered, but I know she will prevail for she is strong like both her father and her mother and she will come through all of this a stronger woman and the sun will eventually shine in her life again.
My son....he now has beautiful twin daughters. He too has felt the struggles...most of it starting with the loss of his dad. But he is learning to be a good man....and a strong man. He is learning how to share in a relationship and most of all how special little ones are and how important it is to not just biologically be a dad....but to truly be a father.
I am really proud of both of these kids although I can take no credit for the wonderful individuals they have become....for that belongs some to their father....and a great deal to their mother.
My biological oldest...I have no idea about. He is somewhere, doing something and I have no idea about any of it. I realized this year after our 1000th battle and him not knowing what he wanted and me not being able to read minds.....that the day I lost his father....I also lost him. I can't fix whatever broke inside him that day and the resentment he has for me being here and his dad not.....is impenetrable. I have tried in every way I know how for so many years and I have cried more tears than anyone will ever know. The fact is....the little boy/the young man....that I once knew died the day his father did and all that was left for me to do was to mourn him....for that person is never coming back and the one that is here is not someone that I can let continue to try and control and hurt my family. I never in a million years thought I would say this about a child of mine....but he is gone. The person he has become is a stranger to me and one I find it very hard to feel for. It is the person he used to be that remains in my heart. Heartless for a mother to feel this way....absolutely....and perhaps this gesture in my life is my ticket to hell, but it is also the only way that I can maintain sanity on this earth....or any kind of peace within my family.
My youngest two continue to grow and even thrive. Again....being broken myself....I am not sure how much credit I can take for their thriving....but it is a miracle to watch.
The oldest of the two is no longer a boy....but turning into a man. He is beautiful and talented. He has my creative heart and his fathers strong will. There is nothing this young man can't do and to watch him with his little brother often brings tears to my eyes for he never sees him as disabled....just as his little brother. And he handles him with the perfect amounts of gentleness, kindness, and good old brotherly love. It is an amazing joy to watch. I can say without a doubt that the sky is the limit for this young man. Anything he wants in life....he can achieve....because he is a doer, but he knows how to do it with a great amount of humanity.
Finally my little guy. He is no longer little! He is now 9 almost 10 and ready to not only move up a grade, but change schools altogether. I have much pride mixed with large amounts of anxiety....but not him. He always seems ready for whatever life tosses his way. I, like my older son do not see a disability when I look at this little one.....I only see my son. But occasionally, others try to bring me down to their reality of his disability and for a moment or two I glimpse him as they apparently see him....but then he does something remarkable....and he is back to being just my son....capable of doing anything and taking on this big old world on his terms. However....I never lose sight of what a miracle he is or how he has so profoundly changed my life.
So as I said....life continues on. We ride out the storms and rejoice in our victories....no matter how large or how small they are.
Well Dear Blog.....I am sorry it has been so long since we have had the chance to catch up. Maybe now I can stay in contact better....but if not....I know that you will remain here....steadfast and patient......ready for me to return with an update that takes us from "beginning to end....and back again!"