Sunday, July 24, 2011

It Will Suck.....Until it Doesn't Suck Anymore put it mildly.....last night sucked! I think I hit some kind of rock bottom where all I wanted to do was cry....and I DON'T cry! Today is not much better (I mean with the crying thing), but I think I am mentally doing better. After literally hours of sitting in the dark on my front porch and trying to going to the farthest depths of my inner self and find out what was wrong....I came to some rather startling conclusions. First of is definitely the time of year. From July 2nd (the anniversary of Tim's death) to Sept. 20th (his birthday) it is a tough time of the best of years. Included in that time frame are also Tim's sobriety anniversary and our wedding anniversary. Some years are harder to get through than others....and apparently this year is a doozie for me. Part of the problem I think is....I am ANGRY!!! You know the kind of anger I am talking about. The kind where it almost consumes you before you even know what is happening and sometimes you are so engrossed in the feeling that you find yourself either face down in a carton of HaagenDas or threatening your children within an inch of their life for rolling their eyes when you speak. That is the anger I am talking about....and I didn't even realize I was there until last night.

I think the kicker for me.......was after a day of dealing with both Z and man-child antics, still maintaining migraine status and doing a whole lot of nothing, I realized that not a darn person  in my life appreciates me. Does it sound a bit self-pitying? Well...maybe it is, but it is still pretty factual none the less. One kid thinks I am suppose to "take care of them" until I am in a home, another thinks that living like a hoarder is acceptable....and well David....he pulled my hair! It doesn't seem to matter what I do or how much of it I children take the attitude with me that they are wiser, smarter and better at everything than their poor, pathetic mother. Enough was enough last night. Granted....for the most part, nothing happened last night that hasn't happened before.....the fact was though, I had just had enough. I was done. I blew sky high and for the first time I realized just how truly angry I was. I was angry at the kids for treating me as if I "owed" them, I was angry at Tim for being gone and not being here to help me, angry at myself for being so angry, angry at the universe for not giving me some sort of sign that this all would pass without me losing my mind first, and yes...even angry at God. Maybe not so much angry at God as frustrated. Frustrated that maybe He is trying to teach me something and I am too stupid to catch on, or maybe frustrated that He is just tired of hearing from me. At any rate....He and I had words last night. Well....I had words and somewhere (hopefully) as I was looking up into that big starry sky.....He heard me. Today however....I did not make it to church. I am not sure if I was trying to punish Him (depriving Him of my Sunday morning presence) or punishing myself (depriving myself of His presence in His house). Whatever the case, this morning I did not go to church and I do believe if I weren't so tired....I would be feeling pretty bad about the whole situation.

Okay.....I am sure by now.... most of you are rolling your eyes and wondering why I just don't get off the pity pot and move on. I wonder the same thing, but it seems that the ten year mark is a tough one. As I sat outside last night, I could hear people somewhere in the vicinity at 2 a.m. having a party. There was laughter and talking and it really sounded like fun....but all I could do was look at the sky and miss both my mom and Tim. And yes....there were tears. I really hoped about that time that God knew everything that was in my heart because I was so at a loss for words. I couldn't help but wonder if there was ever going to be someone else for me to share this journey of life with. Would my kids ever have someone to look up to and love as dad-like? Is my pain going to go away or am I constantly going to spend my life being ambushed by these painful recurrences and most of all I wondered......when will this angry feeling ever end?

Today I am better. It is amazing what trip to Walmart, a little thunder and some hair color can do for someone. The anger is still there. I can sort of feel it, but I think it is tucked far enough away for now that I can move on. The problem remains the same. Too many bills, not enough money, too much to think about, to deal with and all of it...on my own. So like I sucks and it will continue to suck....until it doesn't suck anymore. I will be sure and let you know when that day comes.

Well I have droned on long enough about poor me. Apparently I have a reader who was in some sort of accident and is/was in the hospital. In her hospital boredom she commented on my blog yesterday with some questions she would like answers to, and since I have always told my readers to ask and I will eventually answer....I thought my "get well" gift to reader Jeananne would be to answer her questions in a more expedited way than my usual snails pace. So here are Jeananne's questions and my answers.

#1 Do you remember the first thing you ever wrote? No I don't exactly. I remember a lot of unfinished early works, but I honestly have no idea what the first thing I wrote was.
#2 Have you always written like you do today or did you ever write differently, like stories and stuff? I kept a journal for many years...but back then my primary focus was short stories. I have written a lot of short stories and poetry, but right now....blogging is my preferred form of writing.

#3 What is your biggest fear in life? You don't seem to be afraid of much so I would like to know if you are human like the rest of us? LOL...I must put up a pretty good writing front. I think my biggest fear is something happening to my children. Losing my kids would devastate me and loss is a huge fear in my life.

#4 Does it upset you when people don't like your blog or your writing? My writing/blog are in some ways my babies. They come from me and are purely me, so when someone makes a snide comment or simply doesn't like it....sure it stings. When I was younger it would have ticked me off. Now though....I have learned to realize that there is always going to be someone out there who doesn't like my work, but as long as I am happy with it....that is really all that matters.

#5 In one sentence how would you describe yourself? A contradiction!

#6 I think you have said that you still have young kids at home. If the time was right, would you have more? Giving birth to children is no longer a possibility for me. Loving children I think I would have had 10 kids if that had been in God's plan, but it wasn't. I am probably more at the grandparent stage of my life rather than the parent stage.

#7 Do you laugh more or cry more? Definitely laugh more!

#8 Who is your favorite writer of all time? Erma Bombeck and the Bronte sisters!

#9 Have you ever had anything published? Yes....I have had several pieces of my poetry published.

#10 If you had one wish, what would it be? Probably that my youngest David could run and play with the other kids!

and #11 Because I have asked you so many questions, do I get to be included in your blog? Obviously the answer is....YES! 

Thanks so much for the questions Jeananne and I hope you are on the road to a speedy recovery! So now it is time for the 30 Day Song Challenge. Today is Day 24 and the song challenge is: A song that you want to play at your funeral. Morbid much? I surely do not like to think of funerals...especially today, but funny thing is....this was an easy choice. A few years ago....on a soap opera of all things....I heard this sung at a characters funeral and I fell in love. After researching the song and it's writer.....I knew why. This song in so many ways mirrors my life and how I feel and it is poignantly beautiful. So here is Beth Nielson Chapman and Sand and Water. 

Hope your Sunday is filled with cool showers and happy feelings! Happy Sunday!

1 comment:

Jeananne said...

So I guess I made the big time. I am in your blog. I am doing better and out of the hospital. Thanks for making my day.