Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Dating 101 or How to Find a Man in Lisaland

Alright.....lets just jump right into this one. Tuesday's are gonna be dedicated to me! Okay...I know it appears that I feel that most days are already dedicated to me....but Tuesdays are going to be dedicated to my love life, or lack there of. We are going to call this little diddy: Dating 101 or How to Find a Man in Lisaland! The title.....although catchy, was not a creation of mine but rather a suggestion by one of my readers. Thank you G. and yes....you know who you are!

How to begin this??? Well, first of all I guess I will tell you what I don't want. I don't want to try and find someone through a dating site. I am more into actual people and not so much profiles. This is in no way a diss to people who use dating sites or have used dating sites in the past. In fact, when I talked about a dating site in an earlier blog I got lots of comments from people telling me how much success they had had with them, but honestly.....they are just not for me. Catch me in a year though, and we might be talking a whole different story. I don't want to be anyone's mommy. If you can't fix a meal for yourself from time to time, pick up your own underwear off the floor or grab your own kleenex box when you are sick, then you and I are probably not meant to be. I already have kids the law says that I have to take care of. I don't need a big one thrown in for good measure. I don't want someone who doesn't like kids or dogs...... or vice versa. They say if the kids or animals don't like someone...that is a pretty good sign to cut them loose. And I really don't want to be in a relationship where we both are in love with the same person! I don't want someone who placates me all the time nor someone that thinks they will control me. I don't want someone who will be jealous of my kids nor do I want a momma's boy. If you haven't cut the apron strings at this stage of the game....chances are you will be happier with a cat than you will be with me. Finally....while I am not a neat freak, it would be nice if you bathed regularly, brushed your teeth every once in awhile and knew what deodorant was. Smell has become about 65% of how I view my male first impressions.

The what I don't wants I think are easier than the what I do's.....because frankly....aside from being male, having a pulse, not being a hundred and not smelling like he works in a sewer, I have absolutely no idea what I want. I won't lie and say that appearances don't matter, because we all know they do. But they matter in a different way now than they did when say..... I was in my 20's. Now the appearances that matter to me are things like does he smile and laugh alot or does he look like he hates the world? Does he hold a door for me or does he walk a head and ignore me?  When he talks to me is it all about him or does he give me a chance for some input? No longer do I care what kind of car he drives, what the label on his jeans say or even how good he looks in said jeans. Okay.... maybe a nice butt does not go unnoticed by me, but it is certainly not a deal breaker! I think what I want is real substance. I want a grown up...who has a job and his own transportation, who is not currently on parole or on the run from the law, is not afraid to laugh, who understands that life can change in the blink of an eye and can roll with the punches when it does. I want someone who will fight with me and not be afraid to tell me when I am wrong but at the same time realize....I am NEVER wrong! I want someone who loves me for me and not somebody they want me to be. I want someone who knows how to have fun and also knows when to man up and help out. And as we all know.....if he has handy man skills, most of the other stuff probably doesn't matter. AND if he has handy man skills and money....well he had me at handy man!

So what does a man who has all these attributes get in return? He gets a real honest to goodness woman! Some days I am sweet as pie and others I can put the fear of God in you with just a look. Some days I am all about happy and some days you just better run. I am fairly intelligent with a bit of a problem when it comes to remembering things (keys, glasses, birth certificates and checkbooks all fall into this category). I am honest for the most part (don't ask me my age, my weight or my real hair color because I will lie like the rug you are standing on). I love my kids (most days), I work hard (every day), and I play hard (on the rare occasions when I get the chance). Most of all though.....I like to laugh....a lot. I try to find humor in most things, I don't like to be agreed with just for the sake of peace and I believe that every once in a while....a good argument is necessary to clear the air and move on. I will bend over backwards for those I love and I am fiercely loyal to those who are close to me. I have no patience with liars, schemers or those who seem to see themselves as better than others. If you like/love me...then do so to the fullest and if you don't, then just be honest about it, don't play games and back the hell away. I have no real skills other than cheesecake baking...oh and did I mention I have a tattoo? If I had you at cheesecake....well then we may be on to something here.

The bottom line is...when I married my husband and got out of the dating rat race, I thought it would be forever. I was wrong. For all intense purposes....it has been a decade since I have been out with a man and I really don't even know if I am ready for all of this again. I guess though...I will never know until I try. So this is me.....getting ready to get ready to think about thinking about....dating again! I guess now all that is left to do is to welcome you to.......Dating 101 or How To Find a Man....In Lisaland! To be continued........

Happy Tuesday!

16 comments:

Ben said...

Had things been different all those years ago, you might not be writing this today. Since you have made it clear that you and I are off the table, I will then wish you great success in this new life you are forging. I know some guy is going to be very lucky to have you in his life. I am just sorry that guy isn't me. Good luck Lisa. Who knows what the future holds, but I hope it holds only wonderful things for you.

The Man said...

You had me at cheesecake too. This is the first time reading you blog. A friend told me you were entertaining to read. They were right. You sound like a hell of a catch. In a relationship right now, but if that goes south, I might just have to look you up. ;)

Anonymous said...

I must say that once again I find your blog insulting and offensive. First of all you put yourself out there like a slab of meat. Secondly your are stereotyping and insulting men in the process. Your shallowness knows no bounds as you talk about how mens butts look in jeans and once again with the "handy man" stuff. This time you added money in as a motivator for a relationship too, rather than love. You put yourself out there as a total bitch (which is neither funny nor does it make you good girlfriend material) and I rarely use that word but find it totally fitting in this case. You are offensive about men who are close to their mothers and you put men on the same level as your children. If I were a parent, I would find the likes of you totally unsuitable for any child of mine. I think today's blog was so offensive in so many ways and as long as you talk like and act as if relationships were something you go through like tissues, then I will call you on it every time. I hate to say it, but you have offended your readers yet again. A few more blogs such as this and you will be hard pressed to have even one reader left.

littlemdl said...

@ Anonymous, I have to say those are fighting words! If you have never met nor had the privilege to know Lisa you should keep your opinion to yourself! She is the most caring,kind,loving, hard working woman I have EVER met! Should you fault her for being picky when it comes to dating? Absolutely not! She has had so much on her plate the last decade you couldn't even begin to imagine her life! She cares for two children on her own and has since her youngest was a baby. she lost her husband in a horrible tragic way without even so much as a goodbye! Anonymous if you find her blog so offensive QUIT FOLLOWING IT! Lisa is the kind of woman you want on your side! Next time I won't be so nice! Lisa I think you are amazing! If you didn't have a list for what you wanted I would make you one! Love ya!

Cmom said...

Missy...thank you for your kind words.
Anonymous....being offended is a choice, just as much as caring is. It is your right to choose to be offended....just as it is mine to choose not care! Deal?!

Marni said...

OMG!!! Really... Anonymous how the world you get what you do out of Lisa's blogs is amazing to me. You my dear are speaking about one of the most amazing women that I have the HONOR to know. Oh Im sure youre saying....."Yeah another friend of hers" YES and I am thankful to be able to call her a friend. I will say that if you are so offended by her blogs please, feel free to STOP READING IT!!!! IF it offends you so much then why do you push that little button to open it up and read it? Lisa deserves everything that she is asking for in this blog!! She would be an amazing catch for anyone!!!!!
Listen....we all have our right to our opinion. But you my dear need to stop saying that her readers are offended when in fact YOU are the only one ever saying that YOU were offended or insulted. And believe me when I say that there will ALWAYS be readers that proposely find their way to Lisa's Blogs daily for a laugh....cry or just to have a good read!
Love you Lisa.....thanks for sharing your days!!!

Celia said...

Really anonymous, do you find something offensive in everything you read? Lighten up and find the humour and don't take everything she rights so seriously. You have the right to your opinion, but if I found what she rights so offensive all the time, I wouldn't waste my valuable time reading it. I try to spend my time doing/reading things I enjoy. I find her post humorous and somewhat sarcastic. I don't understand why you feel she is a bad mother, when you don't know her. (I'm assuming) Parents sometimes have to find the humor in bad situations with our children or we may go insane. That doesn't mean we aren't good parents or don't love our children. Again, if you hate her blog so much maybe there are other's you might like better.

Droopy Brains said...

Dear Anonymous,
Has anyone every called you an obnoxious bitch to your face? Because they should. I would. I think I just did :)

Lisa probably won't even leave my comment here because she's a million times a better woman than I.
You're beginning to sound like a stalker. So why don't you take your obnoxious, bitchy "offended" ass off of her blog? Thanks a bunch.

haha silly people said...

Loved the comment above.. only if there was a option to like it... well said...@ anonymous-- get a better hobby or take prozac cause obviously your pissed off about something in life!! Or your life just sucks so u have to take ir out on others!!

Anonymous said...

I don't normally come back in and post a second time on a blog but I thought tonight it was necessary. While I understand people viewing this woman as the under dog, poor girl looking for a man and all that stuff, I am thinking though that maybe you are supporting the wrong one here. Maybe you would be better off supporting the men who she seems to have no respect for. I have as good a sense of humor as anyone else, but when she talks of going after men for their money and their looks and what they can do for her such as handy man stuff, then I find no humor in that. She is what is wrong with marriage today and why couples don't stay together. She views marriage as disposable. She's obviously no longer married. Did he not do enough for her or have enough money and she decided to trade up or did he get tired of being used and just leave her and now she is all whiny about finding a new man and trying to get people to feel sorry for her? I have to say I don't like hearing these things. They offend me and I will speak my mind when I feel it is prudent! AND also, I will continue reading this blog because goodness knows, someone needs to keep this woman in line!

Thiry said...

this anon person I think post this crap on purpose, just to get a rise out of people...I'm on to you...you are either as I stated or an idiot...so which is it anon? If it is the latter, your freedom of speech crap is revoked per every other reader of this blog...I can say that with 100% confidence that all will back this blogger...you don't even make any sense...go ahead make a comment on my comment about your freedom of speech we all know it's coming...I think perhaps you are sitting, laughing, typing bullshit with a drink in your hand...there really is no other answer for your madness...I mean really look at all the uproar you caused, does it feel good, fulfill your deep secret sickness...you are one strange bastard....

Thiry said...

and by the way you do come back and make second posts, don't lie, and don't forget people follow your comments too and remember them because you are so outrageous, which I believe is your agenda...

Ben said...

What a difference a day makes. How did this go from being a humorous piece about getting out and getting back on the dating horse again, to being offensive to men? I am a man and I certainly wasn't offended. In fact she nailed most guys on the head as far as how we tend to act. I still have not successfully been able to put my dirty clothes from the floor to the hamper. Most guys don't have that kind of on board GPS. Unless you know the person writing the blog, I really don't think you have the right to pass a personal judgment. Anonymous you seem to really dislike this blogger although I have no idea why you would. Perhaps "Thiry" is right when she says you are only here to cause trouble and get people going. Maybe it is time you go stir up someone elses blog and leave this one alone. It looks to me as if you have worn out your welcome. Oh and by the way, I believe that this blogger is a widow. She did not leave her husband and he did not leave her, he died!

*Christina* said...

I hardly post on Lisa's blog {I prefer to just stalk it instead} but like the rest of you, the TROLL Anonymous has really just gotten under my skin.

PSA to Anon: Please, for your sake and ours, GET LAID! I think that's the real issue here.

And another thing. You wrote:
"She's obviously no longer married. Did he not do enough for her or have enough money and she decided to trade up or did he get tired of being used and just leave her and now she is all whiny about finding a new man and trying to get people to feel sorry for her?"

You know, I bet you read every post of hers every day just like the rest of us. How else could you find EVERY.SINGLE.ONE that you find offensive? So then, I'm sure you read the post about the anniversary of her husbands death. Which means you said something so IDIOTIC just to stir drama.

And for that:

There's a special, fiery place "downstairs" waiting for your arrival.

PS. You're not keeping anyone "in line". All you're doing is getting attention in the most pathetic way possible.

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