Saturday, August 13, 2011

Ranting....About ME!

This last week was good and bad, up and down. My head is spinning and some real truths have come to mind for me. So since I am such an equal opportunity's rant is about....ME! Yep, big shock that I could even make a rant about me.....and I know it is hard to believe that I would have anything to rant about myself on....but sadly....I do! Granted this will probably not bring on the comments that abortion, bullying or the federal deficit might, but a rant is a rant and I am about to rant. 

So I was feeling kind of low last night for a million and one reasons, and yes....I was looking for a place to point a finger. First I pointed it at Lindsay for leaving us. Darn her for thinking college trumps my life. Then there was the fact that I have not lost any more weight this summer. How dare summer come along and be hot and make me tired and force me not to do anything healthy. And then there is the whole my son is growing up and wanting to drive and I am not ready for it thing. So you see where I am going with this?! All the finger pointing eventually goes full circle right back to me and my inability to let go, move forward and move on. Damn I hate it when that happens.

This morning I woke up feeling angry.....VERY angry. I mean we are talking Incredible Hulk, Wicked Witch of the West angry.... and the anger I amazingly found out....was at myself. Again...hate it when that happens. This summer I have dropped the ball. goes beyond dropping. I actually threw the ball away. When I realized that the only one here to blame was me and my procrastinative, unproductive, sometimes even downright lazy ways and that I was actually the only one preventing me from moving on with my life, well.....I was just down right pissed. You never want to feel like the world is turning inside out and you are the culprit. It can cause all kinds of mental anguish and make you want to go punch a pillow. So after I beat the stuffing out of said pillow, I decided it is time for change.

I have let so many things fall by the wayside in the last few months and found myself in the midst of more than one pity party because of my own actions. I have created many both mental and physical obstacles for myself through my own actions and then got frustrated when the actions ended up having consequences of an unpleasant nature. What the heck is wrong with me? And no....Summer is not a good enough excuse. Maybe though I could run with the abortion laws make me sad, kids are getting bullied so I can't concentrate and the federal deficit is giving me hives? Anyone buying that? neither. Anyone want to just stand up and take responsibility for my lack of weight loss and the fact that I can't move on with life or accept that my children are growing up? takers there either? Imagine that. So I guess it is up to me. So here goes the rant:

I have stopped exercising. Healthy eating to me has become asking for lettuce on my burger. I did not plan ahead emotionally for not having someone else to give me peace of mind where David is concerned. I forgot that Z was not going to stay a little boy forever. I mentally if not physically took a summer "vacation" right along with the kids and let things (like my house, multiple projects and my yard) slip through the cracks. I have held onto life a decade ago....for a decade. It REALLY is time to let go. I have put up mental blocks and emotional barriers and allowed myself to be pulled back into unnecessary drama. I have allowed others opinions of me to slip into and influence my own. I basically shot off track and went over the edge and didn't even see it coming. Wow what a summer!

It is time to do a 180. I need to reacquaint myself with my Nike's and the elliptical and get a walking buddy and  I need to have the lettuce without the burger. Perhaps I should remember that before Lindsay...there was me and David and we both survived. We will again. Z is going to continue to grow and mature and so is David. Bottom line is.....I have no choice but to get used to it and maybe along the way, quit being such a it makes it easier on all of us. (Yes....I can be a bitch and today I see no reason to sugar coat the fact). Summer vacation is over. It is time to get back in the game both mentally and physically. Lucky for me....the house, the yard and all those many little projects are still here waiting to be done. No one can knock down my walls or barriers but me....that part of my life is up to me. And as for what people think or say about should only matter if it is true. If it is true....maybe there needs to be change and if it is not....then why do I give a flying frog what they say?

Life is funny.....or maybe not, but whatever the case, the only one who can make mine me. Well....okay, a few grand thrown my way might not hurt either, but the really important things are up to me. So we will see if I have to have another Come to Jesus with myself or if the first time took. Stay could prove interesting. Not much of a rant....but for me, fairly cathartic. Hope your Saturday is both pleasant and productive. Have a great one.

1 comment:

Marni said...

"Calp, Clap, Clap, Clap" Way to take the bull by the horns girl. THe hardest step is the admitting step. Once you do that....well I wont say its all gravy after that, but it sure makes it easier when you know what youre dealing with. You have many standing with you to help you girl!!!!!