Last night before I went to bed, I enjoyed my resurrected pleasure of reading. Reading before bedtime though is almost as bad for me as tv before bed because with neither do I have the willpower to create boundaries. With both I seem bound to partake until the clock says well past midnight and my eyes refuse to stay open one more second. My current read is an autobiography about Marlo Thomas. Interesting read and although I am not a big fan of Thomas's.....I was of her dad Danny Thomas, and the book deals more with her dad and growing up in a house where at her dinner table, the likes of Sid Ceasar, Bob Hope, Jack Benny and George Burns could be found. It really is a good book from the perspective of a child who would rush through dates or outings with her friends just to run home and listen to her father and his friends shoot the bull and hone their comedic skills on each other. At any rate....my eyes were losing focus and the lines had turned into a blur when I finally put the bookmark in and called it a night.
It seemed that before my head hit the pillow I was already dreaming. Was I sitting around the Thomas table listening to long dead comediennes try to out wit each other? Was I trying to converse with Marlo and find out how a girl from a conservative Catholic family became a liberal feminist whose husband is now Phil Donahue and one of her closest friends is Gloria Steinem? Did I have the catchy song from Thomas's 1970's work Free to Be You and Me stuck in my head? No to all above. My dream in fact had nothing to do with my latest read. My dream in short though was....amazing.
I was in a spot light in an otherwise dark room. I knew that many eyes were on me, but I could see no one. I was aware that someone else stood by me.....but he was a nameless, faceless person to me. At least as I write this he was, but in my dream.....our connection was almost spiritual. Together we were doing something that awake....I could only dream of doing. We were dancing! At moments we were one as our bodies touched and then released. I knew I was beautiful or at least I felt that way. I could not tell you exactly what I was wearing, but I knew it was flowing and with each step....the material would glide through the air and then settle and then glide again. My hair too was down, soft and as the air from my own movement caught it....would toss it gently backward and then forward. I instinctively knew that the silhouette I was creating was as mesmerizing to those watching as it felt to me.
With each step I knew my feet, my arms and my body were creating the perfect shapes and there was no fear of forgetting a step or doing something wrong.....for I was completely confident with every move. My partner would hold my hand, touch my waist and I could feel strength. There was total trust for me as if I had known him all my life. Everything was familiar and comfortable and I was in my element. There was no fear or doubt at what I was doing or even at the fact that hundreds of eyes were on me. There was just a feeling of freedom and pure joy....a feeling I had not felt in a very long time. Perhaps even years.
The music though unrecognizable as I write this, was as much a part of the whole as was the dance. It seemed to change from time to time and each time I felt a new and recharged jolt of happiness as with each change.....the music felt like a favorite. The music would grab my body and take over. It was a feeling of confident control and complete surrender all at the same time. As my feet moved in intricate patterns which I could only feel but not see....I had a surge of amazement go through me as I knew I was accomplishing a long desired dream. This was all a part of me, something I had held inside and had no idea I could actually do. It felt as if I had practiced each movement to perfection and that this moment was the reward.
With each new music swell....I could not so much hear, but feel a collective breath from those watching as the music and I were taking them on a journey full of fascinating twists and turns and unexpected highs and lows. They were breathing in time with my steps as each set of eyes pierced the spotlight waiting for the next turn....the next emotion.
I was smiling and feeling things I had not felt in years. No longer was I a person carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and for this time...this moment.....the world made sense. It was as if everything I had ever done both good and bad in my life....had been a preparation for this moment. My past was fueling this time and this time was the prize for it all.
I sensed that there was judgement involved from all those peering eyes. Maybe looking for that inadvertent toe turn, not quite enough arm extension or a momentary loss of beat...but step by step I was winning them over. Second by second they went from judges to fans and I felt the power and the strength of my performance. I knew I would not fail and before all was said and done.....those watching would be as happy as I felt.
It was really strange as I knew there were others there. Many others in fact. There were those watching me as well as my partner....but I really couldn't see them. I just knew they were there. In fact...other than the spotlight.....warm, comfortable and exciting.....I really saw nothing. It was all feeling and emotion. Nothing was visually defined and yet I knew it was all there and all was as it should be.......and so.......I continued the dance.
I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever felt such joy, peace and confidence in a dream. I also don't think that I have ever had such a detailed dream of emotion with such nondescript detail of physicality. It was almost as if it were one huge oxymoron. It seemed to be based on emotion far more than anything visual or even physical and yet the dream was nothing but constant physical motion.
When I finally awoke this morning...it wasn't with my usual jolt and it was far earlier than necessary. It was as if I emerged gently from the dream into reality with all the emotion of the night still in tact. My eyes slowly opened to an early morning sunrise and I seemed to feel the warmth and comfort.....just as I had with my spotlight. The joy I felt in my dream has yet to leave me and the detail of non-detail still fills me. I am feeling a renewal in myself and even a feeling of strength that I haven't felt for awhile. I don't want to lose this because even now as I write this....I know how special what I am feeling is.
If you have stayed with me thus far.....you may be scratching your head at this point and wondering just what all of this means. I know I have been wondering since I was consciously aware of the nights events. I am sure my dream whisperer friend will have a lot to say on this one and even I with no real belief in the meaning of dreams can see some pretty powerful metaphors on my life in this dream. Maybe it does mean something. Maybe last night in the few short hours of my dream life.....something powerful did happen. Maybe as I go through the day and analyze and reanalyze this dream (and we all know I will) I will find some important hidden or not so hidden meanings in this dream. OR and I think this is the most likely case scenario......I am just watching entirely too much Dancing with the Stars!
Whatever the case...right here....right now....in this moment, I am happy. The sun is out, it is spring and I feel like I can conquer just about anything. Who knows....maybe today.....I will dance!