I also found myself having to grow (at least mentally) this weekend. Motherhood is such a strange thing. We have these tiny, helpless little beings that we are suppose to nurture, care for and basically help them to sustain life for years and years.....and then we are just suppose to let go. It doesn't matter if we know they are making bad decisions or if we fear for their safety......we are just suppose to cut the "mothering" off and let them dive head first into life. I know! I know! The thinking behind all of this is that we are suppose to have taught them to make good decisions, to be safe and to have common sense in all those years that we were sustaining their life, so that when they embarked on their journey away from the apron strings that they would have all the tools they need to survive. The problem with this is....quite honestly, I am not sure I was that great of a mother. Perhaps I didn't drill safety and common sense into their heads nearly enough. Maybe I was in the midst of making a bad decision myself when trying to teach good decisions.....thus the lesson canceled itself out. Since I am sitting here second guessing my mothering skills, it does make me question just how good their survival skills really are!
My adult child always keeps me guessing. Just when I think that maybe I did actually teach him something worth while and he actually retained it.....then he opens his mouth and says something that leaves me speechless and wondering if he slept through everything I ever taught him, or if I just dreamed I taught him all that stuff. The way he tends to rewrite history......I am not even sure what actually did and did not happen. You can bet though that every "historical" tale he tells ends in...."and it was all Mom's fault." I heard just such a tale today followed by a life attitude that regressed him right back to his "I am a grown ass man and I can do what I want days." And we had come so far. Sigh. Bottom line is.....I have to let go and let him find his own way....even if that means some bad choices. After all....they are his choices to make and it is his life to live....whether it causes me to break out in hives or not.
Then there is Z. When did Z turn from a little kid into a man? Did I blink too quickly? He will be a senior next year and suddenly he is pulling the apron strings so loose that they are about to fall completely away. Z has been driving for a couple of years now but mostly small town driving. Since his accident.....he has been a very cautious driver and had little desire to drive in Wichita....however, necessity is making it so that both he and I are having to step out of our comfort zones. It makes it more difficult when I still can't help but see him as my "little boy" instead of my "young man." Heaven has certainly been getting a lot of rosary's from me of late.
Z is also no longer satisfied with being the homebody he once was. He now has the 17 year old mentality that he must be running somewhere every waking hour of the day. The common sense part of me knows that he needs at least some of this while he has the safety of home to return to, but the mother part of me wants to pull my hair out and ground him just on general principals. Trust me....the common sense part is winning out.....but the Mom me is going to be in therapy for the rest of my life.
As I said.....I grew a little this weekend. I am trying to adjust to the fact that none of my kids are little anymore and all of them (David included) have their own personalities and their own lives. I guess I am discovering what mom's for century's have learned......we are mom's until we become obsolete in our kids lives. The good thing is....eventually they realize that mom's are really never obsolete and as their children make them realize just how little they know about life.....they always come back. Until then though.....I drink!
And a final word. Let us not forget all the men and women.....living and deceased that make it possible for me to write this blog and say what I truly feel....not just what "others" want to hear....and allow me to say! Let us not forget those who have given up the comfort and safety of their lives so that I and my children might sleep safely and comfortably at night knowing that we are protected. Let us not forget that some gave all and all gave some so that our country remains free. Thank you to all vets for your sacrifice for our flag and our country. Thank you everyday but especially today. Happy Memorial Day!