Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Judgement, the Blame Game and Walking Away

I am fully aware that as Christians (for those of us who are)....we should not judge. I am also fully aware that as humans.....we do. I try though to go with "Judge the action not the person." Sometimes however....the action does tend to seep over into the person and it is hard to draw the line of where the action ends and the person begins. It is also hard not to say something or at the very least....not to think something about the person/action. A certain individual comes to mind as I am writing this. This person is not really close to me but for some reason....they have had an affect on me.

I am a firm believer in God putting people in our lives for a reason and at first I thought maybe I was put in this persons life but after much deliberation, I think this person may actually have been put in mine. I know beyond a doubt there is a lesson here but I am not sure what it is. Of late I have questioned whether that lesson is just that I should mind my own business. Perhaps though, it is a lesson in kindness. Not everyone will return kindness but does that mean we still shouldn't try to give it? Maybe it is a lesson in patience. Sometimes people do want others to care....but they push people away in fear. Is the lesson that with patience this person might accept the hand of friendship? Sadly though, I think the lesson I am being taught is that not everybody wants to see the positives. Some people literally want to go through life being miserable and spreading that misery. Because of this, they will admonish, insult and even hate anyone who doesn't pity them as much as they pity themselves and they will shut out anyone who thinks differently than they do or anyone who they perceive takes attention away from them and their misery. In a nutshell....they are happiest in their misery and no one will ever change that.

The person I speak of is older (I hate to say elderly because from where I stand...elderly is 90 and I don't think this person is quite that old) and I believe they have had a rather rough life. I don't know details but I have glimpsed bits and pieces which indicate that there have been trials. This person is also very negative person and very close minded to those who have a different or more positive perspective. They also seem to fluctuate from believing in God to cursing God and then....denying Him. This I guess comes from the trials that have been experienced. I think the most frustrating thing about this individual though is the blame game they play. One of the latest conversations had to do with having grown children who this person had no contact with. It was the children's fault and it was the other parents fault but it was in no way....this persons fault. Then there were the trials and issues this person has. Of course this person has no fault in anything that has befallen them. No...it is God's fault. God is wicked for causing such issues in their life. But then again.....there is no God and don't you dare even suggest that there might be.

If someone were to call this individual on any of this or relate something in their own life to this persons life to let them know that they are not the only one who suffers....then both the kindness and the story are ridiculed. The storyteller is both weak and pathetic...not to mention argumentative and completely disagreeable. The bottom line is.......the storyteller will be admonished for making this persons issues about them. It is a very warped view of the world.

I have actually wondered if this person is somewhat medicated which might explain some of the attitude changes, for on occasions this person can be charming in an older person type way. There seems to be almost a gentleness there which can catch you off guard. Just as suddenly though....the walls come up and then the claws come out. This person can come off with a four letter tirade that would make a sailor blush and in the next sentence say they will not allow cursing. The word bi-polar comes to mind....but that is just an assumption with no fact to back it up.

So this person sought me out. I have no idea how they knew about me, but apparently they did and they introduced themself to me. I was leery as I have other people in my life who have similar qualities but not to the extent of this person. I can't turn people away though....especially if they express a need and this person did. I remained quiet though and watched and listened. Several times I held my tongue as I didn't want to say something not knowing the whole story and really not feeling that it was my place. It wasn't until God got brought into it with such venom and blasphemy that I finally felt I had to say something, not because I thought it would change this persons outlook, but because I couldn't in good conscience be around someone who talked in such a way. At first this person actually backed down and even apologized which really surprised me. There wasn't a lot more conversation about God after that.

I guess the last straw for me was when this person said that we don't need to help each other out in this world. Everyone just needs to mind their own business. In their way of thinking.....most people don't want or need help anyway and just because I might perceive someone as needing help doesn't mean that they would want my help. I disagreed and countered with the fact that sometimes people really do need help and have no idea how to ask, who to ask or where to go to ask. I used a death in the family as an example. A lot of times when there is a death, those left behind are numb and they do need help but have no idea just what they need. Having someone step in and just "help" can be such a relief. In other words...there is a need but that need is hard to convey. After saying this....it was as if I had verbally slapped this person. They told me that I was making what they said about me and that the problem with this world was that everybody had their nose in everybody elses business. This person didn't need anyones help and apparently neither did anyone else in the world. Very strange and at this point....more manic than I could handle. I then bid this person farewell and cut off all ties.

Yeah....I guess I have judged this person but I am really not sure what exactly that judgement is. I do know that they crossed a line when they started their God tirade. Personally....I don't care whether someone believes in God or not, HOWEVER.....I do and therefore I will not stand by and listen to someone disrespect God or my beliefs. As for the rest of it though....I tend to think this person has skidded through a lot of years doing things their own way and possibly making some rather questionable choices....and when things didn't work out.....looking for someone to blame. I don't think a lot of responsibility has been taken for personal actions and it is quite possible that this individual will go to their grave still blaming everyone in sight for the way their life ended up. I guess my judgement is that this person is extremely unhappy and there is little I can do about it. It's the old....leading the horse scenario. You can only do so much and then some of it is left to the person. If they refuse then what purpose is there for you to even try?

I guess the moral to this story is that not everyone sees the world as a basically good place. Not everyone can be a friend or even wants a friend.....even if they seek you out. And finally....sometimes you just have to do your best and then cut your losses before the emotional drowning pulls you under too. Quite possibly....that is the lesson. You can't fix everyone so sometimes it is just better to walk away.


Anonymous said...

You can't help or fix everyone honey. Sometimes you do just have to walk away, but know when you do that whether they like it or not you did leave a little piece of you behind which they will not soon forget.

Anonymous said...

This person sought you out for a reason but I would say that they are too mired in their own self pity to allow anyone to help them. Move on. There are people who do need help and would appreciate it. Leave this loser alone.

Jimmy from OKC said...

The blame game seems to be a popular one from the White House to our youth. No one wants to take responsibility for anything anymore. It is really sad. We are a world of finger pointers and pity partiers.

Anonymous said...

They did seek you out for reasons that maybe you didn't know. maybe they had used everyone else up and you were a new soul that they could suck from. I only say it that because this is what I am going through with a person in my life. Has she had a bad life? Yes....her childhood was bad..but I am of the belief that at some point in life they become YOUR choices and it becomes YOUR fault. But they still blame others. We try to look past these issues because we just try to be a friend...to just listen. But at some point, due to their reactions of our views, we can no longer just "Look past it" any longer. When it begins to affect us, that is when it can no longer be allowed and you have to make a choice to continue or walk away.
I am at that point with this relationship and it is sad that my choice will be to walk away.
Sometimes its a hard choice and sometimes its an easy stride. Good or you for making a choice to do whats right for YOU!

Christina B said...

At first, I thought you were talking about my mother in law. No matter what we have done, she is this type of person, she is disrespectful to her own adopted son. I have never heard a person call their children, grandchildren the vile names that she has. When called on it, she responded worse. We haven't spoke in months, I feel bad but at the same time our family is peaceful and my husband is comfortable in his skin. At times the issue haunts him, but he knows he has made a good decision and our family is much better for it. Makes me sad that people have to blame and never take responsibility for their actions or make an effort to change.
My husband was saved last year, we attend church regularly and he was nothing but insulted for his changed views and our child training view. Pretty sad actually.