Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Panic Attacks, Politics and Church

So today I cleanse my brain. Of course this means I have absolutely no idea where this blog is headed or what I am going to say, so read on.....we will both be surprised together!

If you follow The Incredible Mr. David, then you will know that we spent yet another weekend in the hospital. As hospital stays go, it was pretty much a walk in the park and yesterday David was released. We got home, unpacked, settled in and then bam.......I had an anxiety attack! I don't have anxiety attacks....but I did last night. It made me feel weak and out of control and the more I thought of how weak and out of control I felt, the worse it got. My mind was racing from one worst case scenario event in my life to another. Intellectually I knew that my mind was just on overload and reacting or should I say "over reacting" to the events of the last couple of months, but until I got myself under control, my brain, my mind and my body seemed to all be racing towards a melt down of nuclear proportions. It was not a fun few minutes.

Once my heart quit racing and I slapped my emotions back into reality, I was fine. I knew though that if I didn't get a handle on this pretty darn quick, then I was opening myself up to more of these horror movie-like attacks. So why the attack? Lets see.... Since New Years Eve, I have been in the hospital with David five times, he has been through two surgeries, been in the PICU twice and had numerous seizures. We have had the flu, pink eye and stomach bugs attacking the house and I have also had the migraine from hell which gave me a trip to the ER too. I have had to plan and replan appointments, situations and life in general a dozen times, found out that Social Security was screwing me (for lack of a better term) which leaves me way short financially every month and I came to the realization that unless I get a job I will likely be a bag lady pushing David around in my grocery cart and living in the alley behind Dollar General. Oh and wait....I'm also unemployable! Yeah....there's some panic attack fuel there.

So...I spent the rest of my evening going over each concern and rationally thinking about it all. What I came up with? Yes, things have been a bit bleak of late, but nothing is forever and no matter how bad the storm....the sun eventually shines....right?! Probably being in the house all the time and feeling like I really don't have control over much right now just adds fuel to the fire too I suppose. So, I continue looking for a job (writing preferably) because that would go a long way in both distracting me and helping to alleviate some of my stress. I refuse to be considered unemployable!!!!

I did get a call from a friend who wants me to help her to do a fund raiser for a non-profit homeless shelter. It is strictly volunteer but something I have had experience with (fund raising.....not being homeless). I figured that this was a good time and place to start paying the generosity of others to me.....forward. It will also be an amazing distraction I hope.

Speaking of distractions, I was asked by someone the other day if I had given up my political "rants." Her word...not mine. She said she hadn't seen a political fb post from me in months. The truth is that I have not given them up at all. I still "rant" profusely and often, just not on my fb page. I have taken my political opinions to a fb group that I co-administrate called Conservababes. It is an extension of an old political message board that I used to be a member of. The original Cbabes is now defunct but the fb Conservababes is alive and well. It is a closed group but anyone can join. And of course....I still post my opinions political and otherwise here on my blog when I feel the need! The fact is, as frustrating as politics are, for me to rant speak my mind is extremely cathartic and actually helps me to vent and clear my brain out a bit. It is like punching a cyber pillow. I am however trying my best to keep blatant partisan politics off my fb page simply because I want my wall to be about my world, my family and my life and not just my politics.

Finally....tomorrow begins Lent with Ash Wednesday. I am ashamed to say that it has literally been before Davids surgery since I have been to church. It seems that my weekends have either been filled with hospital visits or sickness and church has been unattainable. I know that is part of my issue. I feel a lot more solid when I am going to church. Yes, I pray daily, sometimes hourly....but there is a connection with God that I miss when I don't go to Mass. It is personal to me and spiritually fulfilling in a way that nothing else is. I have also been thinking about what I will give up for Lent. I am thinking hospital and ER visits would be a good place to start!

So there you have it. In one short blog I have covered panic attacks, politics and church. WOW! I told you we would both be surprised! Happy Tuesday everyone!

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