Friday, August 1, 2014

The One....Before the One

It is funny, how sometimes you can hear a song and immediately be taken back to a certain time or place. It is so clear in your memory that you remember every detail, smell every smell and feel every sense. It happened to me just the other day. I rarely have time to think in the present, let alone take a journey back in time, but I guess it was taken out of my hands. In this case, I didn't even hear the song. Someone posted on facebook about another song and the rat maze of my brain immediately thought of the song and I was there.

We all have a first true love. The one. In my case, I had the one, before I married the one. The one...the first one, was the last thing I expected. I had gone to school away from home and I hated it. I felt alone, deserted and I had barely come out of my dorm room for three days. My roommate had decided to have as much sex with as many guys as she could her freshman year and so far, she was doing a stellar job. I was out of my element and definitely way too naive for college life. Just when I was ready to call home and beg my parents to end my suffering, he happened. He and a friend showed up at my door. He was a sophomore and he scared me to death, but with some persistence he managed to pry me from my room. He was different than anyone I had ever met. He was smart and funny and there was something about the way he looked at me that drew me in. It was almost as if he could see inside of me and it made me feel more shy than I had ever felt in my life. 

Once he had pulled me from my room....he and his friend decided to show my roommate and I, the doughnut shop which made their delectable offerings at night and had a back door where you could go and get fresh hot doughnuts. It was the first time I had ever had such a thing and little did I know at the time, it was the start of many firsts in my life. I remember as we got into his car, he motioned for me to sit next to him (bench seats were nice like that). As I hesitantly moved closer, I could have sworn I felt a dart of electricity as he touched my hand. From that second on, the boy and I, the one....were inseparable. In that moment all fear of school, being away from home and the unknown washed away. There has never been another moment in my life like that. 

Our relationship grew quickly, but almost from the beginning it was full of uphill battles. Somehow though, we always seemed to clear the hurdles and grow closer. He showed me places and things that I had never seen before and to this day I am sure that my love of Star Trek is thanks to him. I also can't watch M*A*S*H without thinking of our Monday night ritual of never missing an episode and watching the final episode together in his friends room. 

This boy made me feel like no one had ever made me feel before. He was sweet and romantic. He wrote me poetry and left me notes just to let me know he was thinking of me. Then one day he told me he loved me and in that moment, I realized that I loved him too. When we were apart, life was not the same and I counted the days until I could see his face and feel his arms around me. Time couldn't go by fast enough. Then once together, I never wanted our time to end. He made me laugh and he seemed to understand just who I was. No one had ever really cared enough about me before to find out who I really was and it felt amazing. 

As we grew closer he took me to meet his family. During that trip, most of it was a blur with the exception of two things. One, he asked me to marry him and two we went to a little bar with his brother and the song played and we danced. Of course it was the song that came to mind just the other day and shot me back to all those years ago. I could see him so clearly....his arms around me as we danced. I could smell the smokey air and hear the clink of bottles but mostly....I just felt that feeling of total happiness in that moment. It was one of the few perfect moments I have ever had. 

Of course life doesn't stay perfect. One day it all just ended. I never really was sure why. It came on the tail end of a tragedy in my life and that, with the loss of the boy, was almost more than I could bare. His loss left a hole in my heart for many years. In fact, I don't think I ever truly got over the one.....until I met the one. Until I met my husband, the boy set the standard and all others seem to pale in comparison. No one else seemed as kind, as smart, as funny nor could they even begin to touch my heart the way he did. I went through a lot of painful, sad years and some pretty painful and sad relationships.Then, when I met my husband, it was the first time in years that I didn't think about the boy. There were no more comparisons and my heart no longer belonged to the boy. I was free of the pain and I never looked back. 

One might think that was the end of the story, but thanks to was not. I am not sure who friend requested who all those years ago. It was likely me requesting him as in my early fb days, I frantically tried to reconnect with everyone I had ever known.....ever. We had both grown up and moved on. Both of us have families and lives that took us far from who we were all those years ago. I had forgiven our ending even though I still had no idea why it happened, but somehow it no longer seemed important. He is married and happy leading the life he was destined for. I once again have a hole in my heart that no one will likely ever be able to fill. So the boy, now the man, and I are once again friends. We share the connection of a time many years ago when the world was a different place, but that is where it ends. Now we talk a couple of times a year checking in on each other and catching up on our respective families, then signing off until the next time. Then the song. 

The memory was clear and brilliant and perfect. It made me smile thinking of that girl and that boy and all the dreams they had that night. It was bitter sweet and maybe even a little painful too, knowing how the world would soon change for them, but in that moment it was all either of them could have ever wanted. Life though, has a way of working out the way it is suppose to and he and I were not meant to be. Today we are nothing more than just a passing memory for each other of another time and another place.....and honestly,  I am good with that. However, for a brief moment in the middle of a horribly screwed up day, it was really nice to take a trip back and remember a time, when I was innocently and completely in love, with the one...... before the one.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This brought tears to my eyes. It was very poignant. What a beautiful blog.