So today is about birthdays and such. Okay....well....my birthday. You see, the other day, I turned 52! Like my weight, that is a number that I seldom admit to. It seems though in the last few months, I am no longer hiding behind numbers, fears, anxiety or anything else that has in the past held me hostage. Now....I just roll with it all.
This year was such a different birthday because it just sort of came and went. In the past I would have been filled with anxiety, sadness, expectation and then the inevitable let down that it was all over and all I had to show for it was more grey hair and the thought that I had used up another year of my life. WOW! For someone who never thought of herself as a negative person....that just screams negativity.
As I said, this years birthday just came and went. My day was spent taxiing children to appointments. By 5 p.m., after lifting David and his wheelchair in and out of the van numerous times, all my body wanted was a comfy place to lie down....and that is how I spent my evening, lying down in front of the TV! The day held no pomp and circumstance. I got a few birthday calls and many birthday wishes via Facebook....and quite frankly.....that all just made my day. There is something special about knowing that another human being on the planet, takes a few minutes out of their own busy life and acknowledges you. Yes, I know Facebook prompts birthdays, but just because it is there doesn't mean you have to take the time to comment. People did though and it touched me.
It was funny. As I found myself driving back into Wichita for the third time in one day, I couldn't help but be truly grateful. I was grateful knowing that all my kids and grandkids were healthy and happy. I was grateful that I had a roof over my head and a car that could get me back and forth and most of all....I was grateful that I was healthy enough to lift my 80 lb son in and out of the car as well as his wheelchair. At 52, it was not lost on me that middle age is here and although, I have dreaded it, I know feel very blessed to be a part of the over fifty crowd.
Life has changed a lot for me in the last year. I have had my world turn inside out and felt like I was at the end of my rope so many times....and yet here I still stand. This time last year I was a ball of mixed emotions both excited about and dreading Davids upcoming surgery. After the surgery it was months of hospital and ER adventures. Z went through his nightmares. Financially we have come close to the brink numerous times. We have survived backyard construction, the start of school and and a few unexpected and unwelcome situations......and yet the family has remained in tact!
Through all of the ups and downs and uncertainty of the last year.....somewhere along the line, I quit fearing everything. My voice has gotten louder and I have even lent it out on occasions. I have fought numerous battles and won....and most of all, I finally realized that I am just as important as anyone else in my life. Because of that, I had to start taking care of me. Amazingly, it has not been as hard as I thought it might be.
I don't know if this has all been brought on by true wisdom, or simply trial and error, but whatever the case, I am now becoming more comfortable with who I am and how I feel about me. I finally faced the real me and decided to embrace what I liked about myself and change what I didn't. There is something very empowering about that.....and at the same time, terribly intimidating to some of those around me. Perhaps they should fear the 52 year old me. (snicker snicker snicker)
Yeah, I am now another year older. It's really not that bad. In fact, if things keep heading in their current direction, I might even go as far as to say.....52 seems to have the potential for being one of my best years so far.