So I woke up this morning feeling rather ragey! According to my spell check, ragey is not a word, but since that is an emotion I am feeling.....Queen Lisa of Lisaland now proclaims it to be one. So, I woke up feeling ragey!This led me to think about the kind of day I was about to have and made me wonder if my inner bitch would be rearing it's ugly head. I then began to think about another time in my life when I was considered anything but a bitch. In fact, I was so anti-bitch that I had "people pleasing doormat" scrolled across my forehead. Yes.....I have a large forehead.
Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when I was so eager to make the rest of the world happy, that I never could say "No" or even express an opinion that hadn't already been given to me. Perhaps it was after a lifetime of being undervalued, walked on and taken advantage of (willingly of course....after all....I was a people pleaser), that my doormat self had a psychotic break and my inner bitch appeared.
Like all newly gained super powers, it took some getting used to. At first I was not just ragey, but in fact, a raging bitch 24/7. I had pleased people so long that I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. I didn't even know what I liked in this world. I had spent so many years liking what my parents liked, what my friends liked and what various boyfriends liked, I had developed no real likes of my own.
It also occurred to me that the sweet, always agreeable me had been a bit much for the rest of the world. Maybe this is why I became an ultra bitch overnight. Soon though, I realized that ultra bitch was a bit much too, so eventually I learned to dial her back. Trust me, that was a work in progress with the loss of people, jobs and a bit of self-esteem along the way.
Eventually, I found a happy medium of sorts and was able to keep the bitch at bay unless absolutely needed. As my kids were growing up, the nicer part of my personality prevailed and only on rare but necessary occasions did my inner bitch show her face. I do recall however that the couple of times my children were witness to this full on persona....they weren't sure whether to be proud or horrified that their usually affable mother could be so ummm....errrr....unpleasant. Usually after their witnessing of this slightly darker side of me, they were really well behaved for a period of time. I guess I will call that a bitch perk.
As my kids have gotten older, I have gotten older and the world has turned on its ear, my bitchy persona seems to be slipping out more and more. Don't get me wrong, I have complete control over it these days as it is a finely tuned weapon that I still try to reserve for only those I feel are most deserving. I have also learned that both the kinder, people pleaser me and my inner bitch me can co-exist and even work hand in hand in most cases.
The kinder me will give most people and situations one, maybe two chances to fix a situation. The less pleasant side however, draws the line there. If things haven't changed at this point, then likely they won't......without a little persuasion. I usually only bring out my persuasive attitude when I am dealing with people and situations having to do with David, telemarketers who refuse to respect the no-call list, insurance companies of any kind.....and the cable company. These are my nemesis and they must be made to pay for their evil doing. Yes, there is a reason that certain people will see me on the street and avoid eye contact and there is a reason that when I call the cable company I am immediately connected with a supervisor. Another bitch perk? You be the judge!
In retrospect neither doormat nor ultra bitch are very flattering descriptions of a persons character. Neither wins you true friends nor a very satisfying life. As time has gone on, I can't say I miss the doormat me very much. I did however try to hold onto the kindness that went with that period of my life. The inner bitch of me though, she has proved herself to be an asset in some crucial situations. She is an effective tool for showing people how deadly serious I am where my son and my internet, phone and tv service are concerned.
There is a happy medium there where I believe the best parts of the two personas can exist. I can be kind, easy going Lisa by day and in a moments notice....don the black cape, throw on the UB t-shirt and become Ultra Bitch when necessary. I am good with that.
So there you have it. A little more about me and a view into the strange and sometimes scary inner workings of my thoughts. And to think.....this all started because I woke up......a little ragey!