From Beginning to End...and Back Again

Perfection

2012-03-04T09:41:00.000-06:00

It's Sunday and as with most Sunday's my mind is fragmented into many different thoughts....so I hope you will forgive this blog and whatever tangent it takes off on!!!

This last week was a crazy busy one where I felt I gained some ground (I made more cheesecakes than I can count and made it to the gym twice!!!!) and I lost a little ground...(I didn't get accomplished everything I would have like to have and I lagged a little). All in all though....it was another great week and these positive emotions continue to rise in me. I think they are called true happiness....but it is still too early to call.

I know there has been a major break through in my attitude as it was put to the test this week. Someone close to me told me their thoughts on the lack of God and used David to site this belief. At the moment I was truly upset and angry that someone (someone close to me especially) would see David and his different abilities as a reason to discount the existence of God or a Higher Power. It is always a blow to me that David could be seen as anything other than the as close to perfect being that he is and was created to be. David has been the cause of more smiles, more laughs and more joy in his 11 years than some 9 times his age ever are responsible for. David is smart and funny and definitely has a mind of his own. What he lacks in perceived human perfection he has multitudes of in actual human achievement. He has beat the odds over and over again and still comes out ahead of the game every time. To see David as anything less than a wonderful little man with a beautiful soul and an ornery sense of self is disheartening. And to further use this skewed vision of David as an excuse to deny God.....well it is nothing but BULL!

Of course I put my two cents in and let them know that of all things....David is one of the huge reasons I DO believe in God. David has been a miracle since his conception and every breath, every milestone and every smile has been evidence that not only is there a God but He is a God who sees us all as perfection. Imperfection is a human word....bred by humans, perpetuated by humans and unfortunately used against God. God gives this world Davids in the hope that they will be the miracle that turns someone around, to show us the love that is in someone so pure of heart and to hopefully teach us kindness, gentleness and the ability to see God's finest works here on earth.

Perception is everything. This whole conversation told me that the issue was not with God at all...but with human perception and this individuals perception of David was not of a strong fighter who has and will always beat the odds. They don't see David as special in an extraordinary way...they see him as special in a sad, not quite good enough way. They see him as less and therefore treat him as such instead of realizing that he has skills and abilities that they will never begin to see or themselves achieve because they choose to focus on the unimportant instead of the things that really matter.

My anger ended the moment that I realized how sad their life must be to have to use David to back up their own negative beliefs. Their belief or lack there of in God or a Higher Power is theirs to have and theirs to reconcile in this life and the next. I only wish that their convictions on their beliefs were strong enough not to have to use my child as a poster child when he is nothing but an obvious almost perfect being created by a definite Higher Power. It ended there. I forgave and moved on which is something that this imperfect being has a lot of trouble with.

I also did a lot of thinking this week about two stars who left this earth in the last weeks. The first star was Whitney Houston. If you were alive and coherent in the 80's and early 90's you knew who Whitney was. When she first started her career....she was stunning. She was the girl-next-door wrapped in a quiet sexiness with the voice of an angel. She was a definite men wanted her and girls wanted to be her story. Out of the gate....it seemed that there was nothing that this talented young woman couldn't conquer if she wanted to....and it was true.....to a point.

After success in music and movies.....her demon's began to show themselves. Whether it was the pitfalls of success or some deep place of unhappiness....Whitney found herself self medicating and soon fighting an addiction she simply couldn't conquer. For years we watched her struggle to regain the voice and the talent that seemed to be waning with every binge. Eventually though....the addictions won and Whitney lost. Her death made the airwaves like all unexpected deaths do. But was it? Was it really unexpected? As I said....we had watched her fall apart right before our very eyes for years and how much abuse can a body take? Should we have been that shocked?

I was sad to hear of Whitney's passing. Mostly I was sad for what might have been. Yes....we lost a talent, but honestly.....we lost that years ago. What we truly lost was a shell of her former self who still hadn't been able to climb out of her addiction. Sadly...for two weeks though....her death was still touted in the media almost above the trouble in Iran. She was headline news and honestly the fan fair was neither warranted nor did it do her justice. In fact it was so much that people were literally getting sick of hearing the name Whitney Houston. It was overkill with every detail of her personal life both positive and negative being aired out for the world to see. Not a good way to leave this world or to be remembered in it. RIP Whitney. I hear heaven has no paparazzi.

Then this week....we lost another great. He didn't have Whitney's media play nor her dirty laundry (although I am sure his life wasn't quite squeaky clean) but in the 1960's and early 70's Davy Jones could definitely have rivaled Whitney for a place in pop culture. Davy Jones became known to most of us as one of the crazy, zany Monkees that we watched every Saturday morning. They were an American version of the Beatles....although Davy was very British himself. He was short, cute and had a voice that girls swooned to. (Yes....I said swooned!) Even after the Monkees, when he made his famous appearance on the Brady Bunch and took Marsha to the prom...his good looks and British charm still had hearts a flutter.

In the 80's when retro bands where making a comeback and the Monkees (at least most of the Monkees) did a revival tour.....the young girls of the 60's who were now the housewives of the 80's flocked in droves to see the Monkees and yes....get their Davy fix. Even as he aged he was still handsome and could make the ladies swoon. I always hoped that they would be making their way back to Kansas again (I missed them their first time around) and that I too could bask in the glow of Davy, but sadly.....that was not to be. Last week he was found dead after having a massive heart attack in his sleep. Albeit not a horrible way to go....in your sleep, it was a way too early end (he was only 66) to an era. Never again would we hear him sing "Cheer up Sleepy Jean" or "I Wanna Be Free" nor would we hear the Monkees as a complete band singing "Pleasant Valley Sunday" or "Take a Giant Step." I was really sad.

On the reporting of his death....there was no dirty laundry. There was no incessant media coverage where we had to watch his body being taken from his home or commentators speculating on "why" he had his heart attack. We would not be waiting for toxicology reports or debate his life endlessly and dessimate anything private so that his family would have to suffer further. There were simply fans looking up his music and sharing it on facebook and twitter and reminiscence of old shows and concerts. It was a fitting end to a 60's icon.

Yep two very different endings to two very different lives. Life is not perfect. People are not perfect and to judge perfection with human frailties is extremely faulty thinking.

Facebook...The Good, The Bad and the Account Deletion

2012-02-29T09:07:00.001-06:00

I have been told that Facebook is for the "younger" generation. Especially when I moved from "Myspace" to fb....that was the popular thinking. Fb was to Myspace what Twitter is becoming to fb....the next fastest form of social communication. Whether I am considered a dinosaur in the fb realm or not...I love fb. It has so many possibilities and is a great way to connect with family and friends. It is also an amazing advertising tool. Both large and small businesses, not to mention charities, benefits and causes get tremendous free advertising from this social media. I have also used it to keep up with family members I only get to see on rare occasions along with finding long lost friends and classmates. Used properly and with what I believe was its original intent, fb is fun and a beneficial tool.

This all being said....Z came to me the other day and said he was deactivating his fb account. Hmmmm....here is the younger generation whose age group is suppose to be the most prolific of users telling me he is shutting his down. I was surprised and asked him why. The answer surprised me coming from someone so young. He said..."I hate fb! I hate the way people act on there. I hate kids my age using it to say "f*ck this and f*ck that", to bully each other and to talk negatively about parents and teachers. I simply hate fb!" Feeling the need to delve a little deeper I asked him specifics. He said everyday you see someone being talked bad about or bullied. You see kids using every fowl word they can...obviously thinking this somehow gives them cool points for filthy language. His breaking point though was when a kid he didn't even know was in his friends list (that right there was a problem) started bashing his own mom on there. He said out of a clear blue sky he posted that she was every nasty word he could think of. Z was done at that point. I was shocked. I will admit....I monitor what Z says on fb but I seldom monitor what others on his page say. My bad!

After thinking about this though...I was impressed. I was impressed that Z being 16 wasn't so desensitized to foul language, bullying and negativity towards parents and teachers that he just took it in stride. He told me that he often deleted posts with this kind of stuff in it but if he deleted every post like this....he would spend all of his time on fb. It made me realize that my hours of drilling kindness and respect into his head....well......at least some of it took. It also made me really sad that these kids have a tool that could be used for such positive things and they choose to use it to hurt and ridicule. Why?

I also have other friends that I have heard are leaving fb or have already left. Some hate the fact that "too much" information is spread on it. It is true. Some people discuss everything from the most intimate details of their lives to family squabbles on there. Some even have verbal wars with family and friends for all their friends to see. I will agree that with all of this....it almost gets too much to read the "he said/she said" stuff and usually I simply don't.

Being a political year....politics are flying right and left too. Just like those running for office....many choose to support their candidates by mud slinging and negativity. That is what gets to me....but I also remember that just like me......even those who post the hate, the negativity and the mud slinging have 1st Amendment rights and I respect that. Just as they have the right to speak their mind, I have the right to counter what they say, delete their post or like Z.....delete my account altogether. What I don't have the right to do is squash what they say or their ability to say it, but I have heard rumors that fb thinks "they" have that right. According to some reports....they are deleting or at the very least possibly making invisible "problem starting" posts. Hmmmmm....and this is why some not unlike Z....are choosing to move away from fb.

I will admit....if fb is not used as I believe it was first intended, it can be a negative and overwhelming place. However....the way I choose to use it, makes it a happy place for me. I am a single mom who goes through a lot with my kids and before fb....I went through most of it alone. From ER visits to hospital stays...I did it by myself and sometimes it was daunting. Now though.....if I post "On the way to the ER" or "David had another seizure", just having someone post back....."We are praying!" makes me feel not so alone. It is a wonderful feeling. As I said...I also get to talk to and know better....people I don't often get to see like cousins and nieces and nephews. I have also gotten to be fb friends with a good portion of my graduating class along with finding kids I even went to grade school with. Facebook has also been responsible for me making new friends and finding things in common with people that before fb I had no idea we had in common.

I think like anything else in life....used for good fb can be amazing, but there will always be those who choose to bring in negativity, meanness and out right cruelty. They will take something good and destroy any of its positivity for others. I find it sad...but I am proud of Z for the stand he took. It was an adult choice he made and a good one I believe. Me on the other hand....I guess I am still optimistic enough to think that more good can come from fb than bad. Only the future will tell me if I am right or wrong!

Do You Wear Underwear?

2012-02-28T08:16:00.000-06:00

Do you wear underwear? Weird question huh?! I ask this because I had an interesting conversation with a complete stranger.....which crossed right into "too much information" very quickly. It happened the other day when I was waiting to try on a shirt at Walmart. This woman....clearly almost my age, had a stack of clothes to try on and there were only two dressing rooms (both being occupied). The woman in front of me kept eyeing her clothes (mostly jeans, pants and workout pants) and finally she turned to me and said..."it is a good thing I go commando or I would have panty lines out the a$$." What do you say to that? "Me too!" or "Too much information lady!" I think I just looked at her willing myself to be anywhere but in that dressing room area next to her....at that moment!

Obviously not being satisfied with this being a one person conversation...she looked at me and said, "Do you wear underwear?" REALLY? You ask a complete stranger this? Apparently in the badly lit dressing room of Walmart....this is acceptable conversation. I then said...."Ummmm...YEAH!" She then looked amazed and bewildered and said...."then what do you do about panty lines?" My urge was to shoot back...."I don't wear my pants so tight that I have to worry about them." But instead I took the passive aggressive way out and just shrugged. I was still frantically trying to find my mental happy place and it certainly wasn't here.

Still trying to keep this excruciating conversation going....she continued on. "I know some people find it gross not to wear underwear, but I find going commando freeing. I don't feel so confined in my clothes. I don't have panty lines and undressing is a breeze." Again....REALLY? Why do I need to know this? And what's more....why did she feel the need to tell me all of this? Was this just her idea of polite conversation? I looked down at the shirt I was waiting to try on and was really thinking this shirt was not worth this experience. The look on my face must have said it all as the lady began to turn red and started to say something that sounded a bit like an apology but was cut short when one of the dressing rooms became available.

As she walked in the stall and shut the door, I looked around in a moment of relief when I realized that the lady behind the help desk was watching me. She burst out laughing and I just rolled my eyes and I am sure turned red. I wasn't sure if her laugh was marking me a prude for my discomfort or whether she had been just as uncomfortable as I was and this was her way of releasing the tension. All I knew is that I was praying that the other room became available before Commando Girl came back out.

I stood there thinking about our/her conversation and couldn't help but think about the subject matter. I do in fact know people (men and women) who go commando on a daily basis. I know people who haven't worn underwear for many years in fact. Why I know this....I am not sure. I guess this has come up in "personal" conversation between friends, but never before today with a complete stranger in a public setting.

Commando! What a weird concept. I know men do it a lot. I am not sure why. You would think they have a lot to protect down there and an extra layer between a zipper might come in handy. Women though....I just never got that. I understand the whole panty line thing. Back in the day to avoid such things....we wore panty hose. No panty line and yet you weren't completely bare. Now a days though...I don't think anyone wears panty hose anymore. But how does commando work when you wear dresses? Especially how does it work when you wear dresses in Kansas on a windy day? I personally am not a fan of flashing the world or being flashed. Also...there is a comfort factor. I don't see going commando as being particularly comfortable. Okay....I admit that I have done it a time or two over the years (when all my underwear were in the laundry) and I was not a fan. I have always been an underwear girl. To me....underwear/panties are girly and pretty and dare I say.....sexy. It leaves something to the imagination and yet it can make you feel extremely feminine. Commando...not so much.

So finally it was my turn. I went in broke speed records trying on the shirt (wanted to be in and out before Commando Girl) only to find out that this particular shirt while cute on the hanger was not for me. As suspected earlier...this shirt was not worth this experience. I carefully snuck out of the room and handed the help desk lady the shirt. She smirked and I left....but not before deciding that maybe next time I plan on looking at shirts....I will just go to Target!

A Good Place

2012-02-25T15:53:00.003-06:00

Interesting times in Lisaland! I have been two full weeks without employment and I have worked harder in those two weeks than I have in the last two years. I have had amazing energy (God given I am sure) and I just hope that I continue to be this energized for the next several months. Maybe right now my energy comes from a feeling of real purpose....something I haven't really envisioned myself having for a very long time. Truthfully....I haven't felt like this since before Tim died and after David was born. After he was born I willed myself to have energy so that I could give it all to David so that he would live. I remember being just hours out of a C-section and up walking to prove to the staff that I was capable of getting to the NICU under my own power. From there it was sitting by his bedside and refusing to close an eye because somehow I felt if I were there watching him....he would live. Once home.....I focused on David (so did Tim) and we willed him to continue growing and to remain strong. Once Tim died though....I think my energy just left. Even when I was driving Mom back and forth to the doctor, radiation and chemotherapy....I remember feeling as if my energy was zapped. When she died....it was as if she took the little that was left of my energy with her.

Since all of that.....I have felt drained. It sucks to feel drained for an entire decade but I just felt weighed down. Now though....I feel different. This feeling has been coming on for awhile but now it is as if I have lifted the heaviness and feel an airy calmness. I have been hopping out of bed early (5, 4, and sometimes even 3 a.m.) and I hit the ground running often still busy at 9 or 10 at night. It is a different kind of running too. I have always hit the ground running but much of the time it was running in circles. Now though...it is running with a purpose. The Cheesecakes for David has taken off and the orders have been amazing. They have also been time consuming between baking them and delivering them. The first few days all I did was bake and deliver and there was little time for anything else. Finally I got into a rhythm. I have always been a better morning person than any other time of day, so I get up early and get the major baking and plating done before the kids are even out of bed. By the time they are up....I can give them my undivided attention. After they leave....then I can deliver early and be home in time to actually get other things accomplished.

So far I have David's recovery room almost ready. I have my home office/pantry/sewing room cleaned, gone through and actually usable. I also have my kitchen cleaned from top to bottom, the fridges cleaned out and I have made great headway on getting all the paperwork and details ready for Davids surgery. I guess David is my priority again and his surgery is the catalyst for all of this. It has made me feel different in a good way and it has been a long time since I could say any of this.

Life is in a good place right now...and I am.....dare I say.....HAPPY?! That is something I have strived for for a very long time but now I am actually starting to feel. Perhaps it is the mentality that I now have that Shriners and this surgery were put in my life for a reason. It is like someone (God) has said...."here is this that I am giving to you, but whether you like the journey to get there or not OR whether you understand it or not.....have faith that I know what I am doing and you will be fine." I have done just that. I have handed it all over and have faith that every good or bad thing that happens between now and the time David has gone through his full recovery....is just part of the journey. Feeling like someone else is in complete control and that I am just along for the ride takes all the weight off me and makes every day a more productive one.

I think the boys have noticed the difference in me. My house is not so stressful because I am not so stressed. When Momma is stressed in my house....everyone is stressed, and I have been stressed for years. Even Z commented that everyone's stress levels seem to be down. It appears that Z handles his stress just like I do. However....when I lead by example and de-stress....he seems to be following suit. The only thing that makes me a little sad about this new me is....I haven't really had time to blog. I have faith it will come though....as last week I didn't have time to do anything but bake and deliver and this week.....I got a ton of other things done along with the baking and delivering. It was all just about prioritizing and organizing my schedule. I also haven't been able to fit working out into my schedule but that will come too. It is all still just a work in progress.

Time is flying and soon it will be surgery time. It was kind of a shock to realize that David's last day of school before his surgery....will actually be his last day of school this year. It made me a little sad, but I know that this surgery will give David the best chance at independence possible. Before we know it...summer will be here too. Things just seem to be spinning in a whirl wind...but I apparently work better this way than when there is calm. Perhaps it is because I have no time to worry or dwell on the what if's that usually never even come into play. I like this life right now and I am content to have 16 hour days when I know that I am doing it all for a good reason and my kids are the best reason I can think of.

So Long Employment...Ye Will Be Missed

2012-02-10T12:14:00.000-06:00

I am re-learning a couple of things that I am pretty sure I already knew. One....EVERYONE on the planet knows my David. Me...not so much. I have been reconciled to the corner where I have become known as simply....David's Mom! And two.....there are truly wonderful people in my world and beyond..... and whether they know David and I or not, they have a beautifully generous spirit. So what am I referring to? Let us take a step back.

Of course you all know about David's upcoming surgery and that today is my last day at my beloved job. This means there is going to be a long dry spell with little income and a budget so tight that none of us will be exhaling until I am free to work again in the fall. That is when David should be uncasted and well on his way to a full recovery. Then...when life gets back to our version of normal....that is when full time employment will again become a priority. Until then...there will be a great deal of robbing Peter to pay Paul! Not to worry....I am an expert at creative finance!

Most of you know I have also done a little side business of cheesecake baking under the name The Cheesecake Chick for several years. It has always been small but something I could work around kids, job and life in general. Unfortunately....along with my "real" job....The Cheesecake Chick will also be on hiatus during the time of David's surgery and until he is out of his casts and no longer needs my constant attention. Until surgery though....I decided to do something special for David and also maybe to help out with any unexpected (and there always are) finances that incur during his recuperation. Thus came Cheesecakes for David. I just decided to mark certain varieties of my medium cheesecakes that usually sell for $19 down to $14 from Feb. 13th until April 6th. I put it on facebook and told people to tell their family and friends. The only drawback is that the orders have to be local (i.e. withing about a 25 mi. radius). I invited my facebook friend list which is about 450 and invited them to share it with their friends. Within an hour well over 1,000 people had been invited and the cheesecake orders were coming in. It was wonderful and these orders will help tremendously. The money will be banked and used for things that David needs and that will make his recovery more comfortable (like water and electricity). What really amazed me though are the many people (some I don't even know and are not in my friend list) who live out of state and want to help. I have had several tell me they will send me money for a cheesecake if I make it and give it to David. Some are having their own financial struggles so they have offered to pass the info along to others. A few locals have passed an email around their office and have had people sign up for cheesecakes and everyone has offered the greatest gift of all....their prayers. Regardless what the news media tries to tell us....the generosity of spirit is alive and well. I am simply overwhelmed and more grateful than anyone will ever know. I will be spending the rest of my life....paying it forward!

This all has somehow made leaving my current employment feel a little better. I realized this morning as I got out of bed that today was my last day. My job has become so much a part of me and it has been my happy place when the real world wasn't always. I have found that over the years there are certain things I am good at and some that I suck at. I didn't suck here. Turns out....I am actually pretty good at customer service. It amazes me that I can talk a complete stranger off a ledge about his computer.....and yet at home....I can't make my own flesh and blood put on clean underwear. There must be quite a disconnect in my people skills between home and work....or maybe it is simply that I have never yet had a customer look at me with attitude and say...."oh Mom....I'm busy. I'll do it later!" That could definitely be the difference!

So today I say so long to a boss I adored, a job I loved and a place to be that didn't require me to do laundry or dishes. I am truly going to miss it all. So long employment. Ye will be missed!

Updates!

2012-02-08T11:10:00.000-06:00

Gosh!!! Well...if you have been reading my other blogs (which I am trying to show some much needed love to) then you already know that David is having surgery in April and we are amidst preparations for that...... and I am losing weight! Woo hoo!

What you may not know is that as of Friday....I will be officially unemployed. Scary? Oh hell ya! But also...it couldn't have come at a better time (as far as working into my life goes anyway). The little business that I have been working for the last couple of years is having to downsize yet again. The last downsize left us a two person show. Now it will be a one person show. Guess that counts me out. The current economy has truly made it tough on small businesses and I am sincerely hoping that November will bring on a much better "change" than the last four years have given us. (Sorry for the political throw out but I am not a happy camper right now). I will have to say though...it has been a great job and I couldn't have had a better boss. He has been very flexible and very kind to me where my kids are concerned. He has worked with me on every occasion that my kids were sick, on the way to the ER or in the hospital. He has never once made me feel bad about being gone nor has he docked my pay. Aside from that...I loved the job. I am really going to miss it. However....God works in mysterious ways and this layoff comes at a time when I was going to have to take a great deal of time off anyway. At least this way I will not feel guilty for shirking my job responsibilities and I won't have to worry about rushing back to work after Davids surgery. I am left to focus completely on the task at hand and that is David, his surgery and his recovery. Yes...I won't lie, things will be tight in Lisaland, but then we have been here many times before. I do think however, that this is all falling into some sort of God's plan...and unlike human "plans" His ALWAYS work out. I am just along for the ride on this one.

Aside from being jobless....this does not mean I will be bored or without work. I have a great deal ahead of me preparing my house (holy schnitzel it needs cleaned), Davids new recovery bedroom and trying to make ahead and freeze meals so that I won't worry about feeding everyone when I am trying to care for David. There are so many little details that need to be ironed out and so much preparation that my lists have lists as to what needs to be done. Again though...it all seems to be falling into place and I will actually have the time to make sure all is done...so most everything should go just fine.

While I guess I should be absolutely full of apprehension right now especially since my life is nothing but one big ball of uncertainty...but I really am not. I am a little scared of David's pain after the surgery and being able to care for him properly, but other than that I am simply grateful. This opportunity for David is amazing and I am thrilled he is going to have surgery in one of the best hospitals in the country.

And not to worry....of course I am going to use a little of this time between now and his surgery to help myself a bit. I will have no excuses not to hit the gym and workout and I may even sneak in a nap now and then. I have to take care of me a bit in order to take care of everyone else and I don't mind admitting that.

Also...if anyone knows of anyone who wants a free lance writer to do short articles feel free to throw my name out. I work cheap (okay fairly cheap) and be sure to tell them I know a little about everything and a lot about nothing. That should make me a shoe in for any job....RIGHT???

Well..that is it for the latest updates! Please keep us all in your good thoughts and prayers and please...say an extra prayer that David turns out to be the miracle someone needs to see!

I am Woman See Me Drive.......

2012-01-30T16:07:00.000-06:00

We are home! In case you haven't been following my other blog Life with the Incredible Mr. David or aren't glued to my every post on facebook, then you may not know that I have been traveling. Last Wednesday we left for Shriners Hospital in St. Louis and today we made it home. That's right folks the old gray van has put an extra 1200 miles on itself in the last week.

As I was driving home today....first through St. Louis, then Columbia, then Kansas City, I was thinking back to a time when I never dreamed I would be driving anywhere on my own outside the Wichita area. I hate traffic and I hate driving in unfamiliar areas. I am horrible with maps and directions and all my friends know this. Berty and Thiry used to laugh and say...."If Lisa says go left....be sure and go right!" I might have been offended if they hadn't been so scarily correct.

When I was young and we went on trips....I never wanted to drive. New places scared me and traffic petrified me. Even when I was on my own before Tim....if I could talk someone else into driving...I would do it in a heartbeat. After Tim and I were together....I was always more than happy to let him do the driving and me do the navigating. Okay...he drove and navigated. I slept.

When Tim died....I was left to both drive and navigate on my own. I hated it. Sadly though, if I ever wanted to get out of a six mile radius.....then I was left to my own driving devices. Then the unthinkable happened. My mother in law who lives just south of St. Louis wanted us to visit!!! Oh Lord help me....I so did not want to make that first trip. I did and luckily I was still in my auto pilot grief phase so I have almost no recollection of that trip at all. Over the next few years....she made a couple of trips west and suddenly this summer....the ball or should I say...steering wheel was in my corner again. I conjured up my courage and off we went. The trip was fine until I found myself in Deliverance country. I was sure we would never be heard from again. Thank God for cell phones. My mother in law was able to talk us back into civilization.

So here we are again. This time it wasn't just for a visit. This time it was for David and there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't brave for that child.....including my fear of getting lost in east hell. So I pulled up my big girl panties and off we went. I left at 3:30 in the morning hoping to miss a lot of traffic and the trip was going great until we hit hard rain outside of St. Louis. It was as if St. Louis drivers had never seen or driven in rain before. The 75 mph traffic slowed to 40 mph and the part of the trip that should have taken an hour and a half tops took us double that. Other than the slow going though.....we made it in one piece with no detours or wrong turns. The trip down was a thing of beauty.

Today on the way home we again left at 3:30 a.m. We zoomed from my mother in laws house and the small surrounding towns straight into St. Louis. The traffic was easy as no one else in the state was up yet. We hit Columbia before the sun was up and KC right after rush hour traffic. Not only was the trip smooth, but we made it in record time. It was my personal best....7 hours for an 8 hour trip. I have learned that music really helps the trips go faster!

Yep...here I am. Not only am driving places that are somewhat unfamiliar to me and doing it by myself (well technically Z and David were along for the ride)....but I am also trying to beat land speed records. Who would have thought it? Boy....have I come along way. It is amazing what we can do if we have no other choice. It sounds like I will be learning these roads very well as we will have more Shriners visits in our future. Good thing the iPod is full!!!!

As I was contemplating all of this on the drive home...I had a song going through my head that seemed like the perfect soundtrack for both my thoughts and the drive. I could hear Helen Reddy proudly singing I am Woman hear me roar.....only in my version it went more like: I am Woman see me drive!

Happy Birthday Z!

2012-01-20T08:16:00.000-06:00

Sigh...it is still cold and this kind of weather puts me in hibernation mode, but alas I must fight it. Today....although pretty chilly, getting up was much easier as Z beat us all out of bed. It was about 5:30 a.m. when I heard the pitter patter of his size 10's on my downstairs floor. Yes....he was singing too. If his eyes are open.....he is singing. So why the early and cheery start? Today Z turns 16!!!! It is simply amazing to me. Time just goes so fast. It seems just like yesterday Tim and I were in the ER waiting for the doctor to say it was C-section time.

The October before Z was born, Tim had been at work and had pulled a huge box by its packing strips. Instead of the box moving....the strap broke and Tim lost his balance causing his ankle to twist and snap. After two surgeries Tim was still on crutches in January. It was cold and I had been having pre labor with Z since late October. Twice they had given me drugs to stop labor and we had made it to January. January 19th though.....I started having pretty heavy contractions. The weather was being fairly unpredictable at the time and with Tim not getting around so easy, we decided we better head on in to the hospital. Twenty four hours later....the doctor finally decided the contractions were not going to stop and probably a c-section was in order. So at 1:30 p.m. January 20, 1996, Z made his first appearance. He had a head full of white hair and brilliant blue eyes. His lungs were obviously perfectly formed as he screamed for dear life. The first words Tim said were, "Honey....he has your nose and with those lungs....he's gonna be a singer." Sixteen years later....he still has my nose and he certainly does sing.

Z always just amazed me growing up. He had endless energy and he divided his time equally between being a mama's boy and a daddy's boy. First thing in the morning....he wanted Daddy. They had an early morning ritual of diaper change and Z sitting on Daddy''s lap while he drank his coffee. They would sing together and laugh together and I would respect their time. After Daddy left for work though....Z immediately became Mama's boy. He would crawl up on the couch with me and watch Blues Clues or Barney and we would sing the songs and dance to the music. We both got the best of Z.

As a little guy he was fun. He had energy to burn and never stopped during the day unless forced to by a nap or bedtime. When Tim worked second shift and came home around 11:30 p.m. often Z would sneak out of bed and greet his Daddy. This was met with a snack and some more one on one time with Tim. They had such a strong bond and Tim always said that Z was making him the man he had always wanted to be.

When Tim died, maybe it was only fitting that Z was the one there with him. He was only five at the time but that day definitely was pivital in jump starting his path to manhood. He had almost an acceptance of the fact that it was his place to be with his father in his last minutes and honestly has never questioned "why me!"

Since those days Z has grown to be an exceptional young man. He is his little brothers hero and he has returned that with a love for David that is quite heartening. Z has never treated David as special needs....but he has given him a big brother that all little boys would dream of. Z has a very kind heart and with this sort of heart comes the ability to have it broken. People tend to see kindness as weakness therefore they will often try to see just how much that heart can take. Z's heart has been hurt many times but never has he been broken. His kindness has brought about an amazing strength and his life experiences have given him an insight and empathy into and for others that few his age have!

I stand back and watch as my beautiful little boy quickly is turning into a handsome and wonderful young man. I can't tell you how proud I am of him. Someone told me the other day...."you did a great job with him." Somehow I don't think that credit goes to me.

So today....I am a proud mama. I am also mentally preparing myself for the next phase of the teen years. He now no longer just has to drive to school and work and now will come parties, girl friends and for me staying awake until I hear him come in and biting my tongue when I am being too over protective. Perhaps now would be a good time for me to take up drinking! lol

Well....today I wish Z a very Happy Birthday! May this be your best one so far and may life hold for you many wonderful surprises from this day forward. I love you my Z!

I am a Gleek!

2012-01-19T12:18:00.000-06:00

Have I mentioned that I hate the cold? I know! I know! Only about a million times. Honestly....I should not be complaining since up until now we have actually had a very mild winter but I am complaining because I really hate to be cold. You know it is cold when I allow my dogs to sleep on my bed at night just to keep my feet warm. I usually never let the dogs sleep on my bed. Last night though...I had a canine foot warmer. I know that says something sad about me...but I prefer not to dwell on that.

So I guess the media that was forced on me the other day kind of stuck. I actually caught myself surfing the news channels last night for headlines. BAD LISA! BAD! I know I should keep up better but seriously...until they can start balancing all the bad in the world with a little of the good then why should I watch the news everyday just to get my soul crushed? Toss in a story about a kid who did something right, a woman who survived breast cancer or a cute animal anecdote every once in awhile and I might be more inclined to tear myself away from Snooki's latest antics and find out what is actually going on in the world around me. Until then....I shall carry on my torrid love/hate relationship with reality TV. Sorry folks...that's just who I am!

Speaking of TV I heard a conversation the other day between two individuals about the show Glee! Both admitted that they had never watched the show but where discussing what they had heard about it. Okay....discussing wasn't quite the word. Bashing is probably a better adjective for what they were doing. They were talking about what a horrible influence a show like that would be on our youth. It after all has gay students, it talks about drugs and alcohol and it has sexual situations. The final statement that I heard before walking off and yes....rolling my eyes a bit was....."How could any decent parent allow their child to watch such trash?" Hmmmm Okay....I have to say REALLY?

What they described was not just a TV show....it is what goes on in any high school in America right now. If these women feel this strongly then how could they possibly send their kids not just to public school....but any school? I guarantee you walk into just about any high school in any town and you will find gay kids. They might be closeted, but you can bet there is at least one. And you know because it is high school.....some or many kids are trying to ease the pain of a crappy home life, being bullied or being gay and not being able to come out by self medicating with drugs and alcohol. Also the teen high school years are just chock full of raging hormones. Maybe not all but at least some of those kids are having sex. Chances are there are even teen pregnancies. High school is life and life gets messy sometimes, so as an adult who has watched Glee multiple times I would say the show is pretty darn realistic. What these ladies didn't understand about this show (because they admittedly have never watched it) is that there is a much bigger message that this show is putting out. The message is.....it is okay to be different. It is okay to be yourself....and if you enjoy something even if others don't think it is cool....go for it. That is the message that hits home with kids!!! It is also making people more aware of just how bad the bullying is in schools. They have shown everything from kids getting slushies thrown in their face because they are Glee kids to getting threatened because they are gay. This is a very prevalent and very important message. It is also opening dialog between kids and parents as parents don't always see or understand what goes on in today's high schools. There are also underlying messages such as a girl who chose adoption over abortion, that being gay is not a choice and often that bullies bully because they are so unhappy themselves. In my humble opinion (and I am pretty conservative) the Glee writers are pretty responsible and careful when handling these story lines. The added bonus to Glee though is the music and the talent. The voices they showcase are amazing and the songs range from crooner classics to Top 40! Maybe Glee is not everyone's cup of tea and far be it from me to tell another parent what they should or should not let your kids watch. All I am saying is don't judge until you have watched it. Who knows....you too might become a Gleek! I know I am!

Okay, so the opinionated Lisa is back. Obviously the blogging Lisa is back too. We all knew that the silent Lisa couldn't last long. I have way too big a mouth and way too many opinions to stay permanently dormant. Guess it is time to get back to work. Here is hoping that you stay warm and cozy and that you don't need a dog as a foot warmer!

Trips, Media and Things

2012-01-18T11:44:00.002-06:00

The countdown is on. Soon we will be heading for St. Louis and Shriners Hospital in hopes that David will have new found or at least better mobility. I would do almost anything to ensure that he has the most amazing and independent life possible. I just wish I had known about Shriners sooner.

Life is starting to make sense again....or at least as much sense as life ever makes. Friday will be Z's 16th birthday. I can hardly believe it. It really doesn't seem possible that it has been 16 years. Wow how time does fly. I remember 16 being such a milestone in my life. I was finally able to pierce my ears, drive and date. I felt so grown up but the reality was....I was still just a baby. It is hard to look at Z and see my baby because he is a very grown up young man, but when I look into his beautiful blue eyes.....I still see the little boy he once was. Z has asked for very little for his birthday (other than friends over and karaoke) but I know he wants a tattoo and I am debating it. His wanting a tattoo is the equivalent of me wanting my ears pierced at his age. Different fad....same need to cross lines and be a bit rebellious. Lord help me if the wrong people find out though. So it is a dilemma I will ponder for a few more days.

Yesterday I took my car in to make sure it was road ready for this trip. Since it took a while to do all that was necessary I waited in the lounge where a TV was. My self imposed media black out was circumvented by the fact that I had no control over the channel being watched. For over an hour I watched the same news over and over again and honestly.....none of it was good. I watched the cruise ship sink in Italy all the while hearing the coast guard 911 tape incriminating the cruise ship captain for incompetence and failing to keep his passengers safe. WOW! I currently have no desire to cruise anywhere.

I also watched the highlights from the previous nights GOP debates. Since I didn't watch the actual debate (had no real desire to) I was left at the mercy of the news channel and which ever sound bites from the debate they chose to focus on. I was left with the impression that Ron Paul was a dud and that the race would be between Newt Gingritch and Mitt Romney. The one I am interested in.... Rick Santorum was kind of left in limbo (according to this particular news outlet anyway). I so dread this election year. I know it will be an ugly one and I really have no idea at this point who I would actually vote for....but I am of the mind that just about anyone is better than what we currently have. Don't hate folks...it is just my opinion.

Finally....the last piece of news that kept flashing was the fact that the middle east is building their armed forces along with their arsenal in preparation for a strike against the US. Apparently they are stronger now than ever (or at least will be in the next 6 months) and they definitely have an axe to grind with us. They have not been this much of a threat since the 1970's and now they have more reason to hate us in light of the last decade. Granted...this would not be the first country who had a beef with the US, but are we prepared for such an attack? It appears that some holding current office believe in taking a "golden rule/turn the other cheek" attitude. That is great if the other countries have the same philosophy (and they don't). It is pretty hard to turn the other cheek when it has been blown off by nuclear weapons.

Sigh! I so did not want to get political. This is what watching the news gets you. I think I will go back to my media blackout and focus on the tasks ahead. Oops.....have to give an opinion on one other little tid bit of news. While this is media pushed my info on it came from the internet and sites I use. Apparently legislation is trying to be passed to stop piracy of music, books and movies. Piracy is theft and quite honestly if I created something and my livelihood rested on the ability to be able to sell it to the public, then yes....I too might be quite miffed if others were just taking it illegally. I know that especially music and movies are downloaded illegally by the millions every day. It is in fact stealing and it is in fact wrong. That being said....the government is trying to use this as a way to play Big Brother more than they already do. They are using the piracy issue as a way to infringe on individuals privacy and censor anything they found offensive or possibly infringing. Sadly...the movie industry, music industry and many publishing houses are behind this legislation and are pushing to get it passed quickly. What this would mean for you and I is our privacy is put at risk (anything we do on the internet will be watched, recorded and quite possibly censored) even though only a fraction of the people are involved in the piracy. There has to be a better way...and I truly hope they find it. Government already has their nose so far up peoples business that any more and we might as well just give up and call ourselves China.

Okay...so now I will delve into the business of trip preparing. I am excited, nervous and very anxious but after talking to several who have been to Shriners and have had very positive experiences I have great hope for next week. I am sure the blogs will be flying before, during and after the journey. Please keep us in your good thoughts and prayers that we have a safe and successful trip. And now....I'm off!

The New Chapter

2012-01-15T09:09:00.000-06:00

I won't lie....this last week was really tough. It was also in its own way....amazing. It was a week mixed with heart felt sadness and pure unadulterated joy. To put it in terms one outside my own personal body might understand...... it was like being on a VERY wild roller coaster ride. You know....the ones that turn you upside down and make you feel as if you are in mid air without support and you really aren't sure you are going to survive so you pray all the way. Yep....that was my week.

If you read my other blog, you already know most of what went on. If you didn't or don't let me give you the abridged version. I found a breast lump the first of the week, had to wait until the end of the week to have it checked out. I ended up in the ER mid week because of horrid back and side pain. Watched a fb friend suffer as she lost the love of her life way too young. Had to worry about the "c" word while inundated with stories of it wrecking peoples lives, all the while fearing what a bad diagnosis would do to my children and how it might affect David's chances of going to Shriner's Hospital this month. Out of everything bad though comes good and my week though precarious was not without many blessings.

I had started Weight Watchers the 1st of January. So far....this is the first time in years that I have been on WW and stayed exactly within my points. Even through the stress of waiting and worrying.....I never faltered. For me....that was huge. I also had plenty of time to soul search and come to some very private and yet very real realizations about myself. Between my "conversations" with God and my conversations with myself, I made some mental and emotional decisions. I also had my prayers answered in no small part I am sure, due to the fact that I had many prayers much more worthy than my own going out. I also am sure I had a few heaven insider prayers going up as I have some very special guardian angels up there. Friday about 9:30 a.m. my girls were given a clean bill of health and I felt all the stress and worry just leave my body. As things go now......my kids have "me" to look forward to for many years ahead and David's St. Louis trip is still a go!!!!! And once again.....life is as normal as it gets in Lisaland.

Since I have kind of let blogging go to a hit or miss status.....I really haven't been on much to discuss this new year or what my plans are. For those of you sitting on the edge of your seat wondering, my new years plan is really simple....I have no plans. The only scheduled plan I have is to get David to Shriners....after that.....I plan on living my life day by day and on occasions, it will probably be hour by hour or even minute by minute. Perhaps I have decided that me trying to make plans gets in the way of what God has planned. I am pretty sure His plan for me is far better than any plan I could have for myself.

Along with all of the hulabaloo of last week, my beautiful step-daughter celebrated her birthday Friday and this next Friday, Z will hit his landmark 16th birthday. It doesn't quite seem possible he could be such a grown up young man, but he and I ended this last week with a wonderful conversation last night. It was one of those where you actually start out doing one thing, but then you get to taking and three hours later everything else has gone by the wayside except for your conversation. I learned a lot about Z last night and saw maturity in him that I hadn't seen before. We talked about morality and his views of things and lessons he has learned in the last year. I was really surprised at the eyes in which he sees the world. He is an amazing young man and I am very proud of who he is. It was truly a wonderful time stopping conversation for the two of us. I hope to have more conversations like that in the future.

So we are approaching a new week and we are smack dab in the middle of the first month of the year. The possibilities are endless as the road is wide open. I feel like after this last week, I have relinquished all control.....especially due to the fact that as much as I would like to think differently.....I never really had any control and also.....I have absolutely no idea where this road leads or where I am going. This new chapter that I am beginning is a blank one, but as things happen I am sure it will be filled with wonderful adventures and a great many highs and lows. Fear not though........because whenever possible....... I will be right here....... ready take you all along for the ride.

I'm (blank) Because......

2012-01-11T10:12:00.001-06:00

I found this on one of my favorite blogs Busy Little Lady Bugs. I just love it and thought I would do it myself. So here goes:

I am Weird Because......
I like salt and sweet and take it to the extremes (i.e. french fries and ice cream, strawberry jelly and pizza)
I have too vivid of an imagination
I prefer breakfast for dinner
I have a love/hate relationship with Reality TV
I think my best feature is my feet
I love a clean and orderly house but hate to clean and organize

I am a Bad Friend Because.....

I am horrible about returning calls
I am pretty bad about texting too
I go into recluse mode and block out the world (friends and all)
I am either hyper needy or no maintenance and have no in between
Sometimes I stick both feet in my mouth at once
Often I speak my mind too fully instead of just listening and agreeing
I have a low threshold for BS which can make being friends a bit dicey at times

I am a Good Friend Because.....
I do listen
I try to be there when someone truly needs me
I will pray for anyone...anytime....for any reason
My heart is usually in the right place even if my actions sometimes say otherwise
I will have your back
I choose my friends wisely therefore my friendships last decades
I have good friends

I am Sad Because.....
I worry too much
I have a sick child at home today
I am very lonely at times
We are going into a mud slinging election year
I don't have my mom to turn to
My dad will never see me as anything but a failure

I am Happy Because.....
I have wonderful kids and step kids
I get to hear Z sing everyday
I get to hear David laugh
I have a job in this horrid economy (and it is not in aircraft)
I have the ability to make someone smile everyday.
Spring will be here in about 3 months
I have awesome friends (even though they take unflattering pictures)
I can write and blog and express myself

And finally......

I Did this Because.........
I can
I know you were dying to know more about moi!

Bring it On!!!!!

2011-12-30T09:49:00.000-06:00

It is December 30th.....2011! One more day remains of this year and once again I sigh in dismay as I have just finally gotten the knack for writing 2011 instead of 2010. Drat! It has been a year of growth for me. Amazing that in 2012 I will hit the big "50" and I am just finally learning a bit about myself. Better late than never I guess.

This time of year always fills me with such mixed emotions. I have this wild desire to race around and tie up all the loose ends remaining from the old year and yet race ahead and start planning for the new one. I saw a sign the other day that said: Never look back because that is not the direction you are going. How profound and yet with the close of the year....that is all I seem to be doing is looking back. Maybe I am trying to find out what worked and what didn't so that I hopefully won't be repeating past failures in the new year. There is also the possibility that I am having separation anxiety from the current calendar year and simply don't want to let go of what I know and am comfortable with. Hmmmmm

This year was about change for me. I, as usual, set goals for myself......and as usual....failed dreadfully with most of them. Much of this you witnessed right here in my blog. You got to see the good, the bad and the ugly.......the really, really ugly. While I did lose sight of some goals....I actually did achieve some other goals I didn't even know I had. It wasn't a terrible year and yet like all years.....it definitely had it's ups and downs. I wrote more and had some personal accomplishments, but at the same time.....planted myself firmly in my own way not allowing myself to accomplish other things. I grew a back bone where some where concerned and remained jelly in the sight of others. I stepped outside my box only to find that sometimes a box is okay if it has doors and windows and you aren't afraid to go beyond those walls from time to time. Of course.....you just don't want to dart out into oncoming traffic.....which is kind of what I did, but venturing out is a good thing. Life lessons....they were all life lessons.

I learned this year that it is okay to step back and regroup when life overwhelms you. I found myself on the brink of disaster and once again humbled beyond words and am still in the process of fighting back. I realized that time is flying past and where my kids are concerned I don't want us to just exist.....but to get to live some too. I have watched David hit further milestones and to some degree we seem to be beating the beast called seizures. We learned about Shriner's Hospitals and now have a visit scheduled for the new year. I have watched Z grow and mature and become an awesome young man (even though he has the ability from time to time to drive me to drink). I have gotten to see him perform and to continually go after his dreams and put behind him some of the painful past. His strength is amazing as is David's and most days I am in awe of the two young men who reside in my house.

This year I have been fortunate enough to meet some new friends, reacquaint myself with some old ones.....and sadly....lose a wonderful one. There has been laughter and tears and once again I have realized how blessed I am to have the friends I have and how much they mean to me. Over the course of my life I have cultivated some wonderful friendships. What is amazing is that some of those friendships have lasted decades and are still in tact. Time and space have not tarnished them a bit and whenever we are together it is as if no time has passed.Yes....I am truly blessed.

Another amazing feature of this year has been that at this stage of my life.....2011 held a few firsts too. Z had a first dance, a first time at karaoke, a first time where mother and son were in a bar together and a first job. David had some firsts too....the most important of which was starting 4th grade. And yes....I too managed a couple of firsts myself. I had my first dating experience as a 40 something woman and I got my first tattoo. It was also the first time since my late teens/early twenties that I dedicated myself to prolific writing and although I didn't manage 365 consecutive blogs.....I did manage to write A LOT!!!!

So someone asked me what my New Year held in store and what my resolutions would be. Well....being that I am not psychic, I have no idea what is in store for me.....and I rather like it that way. That way I get a new surprise each day. As for the resolutions???? Perhaps I should resolve to gain 30 lbs, be poor and never move from my couch. The way my resolutions go.....this would mean I would lose weight, get rich and exercise my heart out. As it is though....I think this year I simply resolve to let each day be it's own, to roll with the punches and to try and learn a little something with both the good and the bad.

Since this very well maybe my last blog of 2011 (unless I get to feeling sappy tomorrow), I would like to thank all of you who have read my blog throughout this year, all of you who have commented and all of you who follow me both here and on facebook. Some days....knowing that you guys were reading was the only thing that put excitement in my day. I hope that 2011 has played fairly nice with all of you and that 2012 brings each of you peace, joy, understanding, hope, happiness and a great big helping of love. So with this I bid a fond farewell to 2011 and to 2012 I say.......Bring it on!!!!! Happy New Year everyone!

RIP My Dear Sunny

2011-12-13T13:33:00.000-06:00

I cried last night. I cried a lot.....and I was not alone. Many whom I know also cried last night. The tears I shed were a mix of tremendous sorrow and tremendous joy. I lost someone last night....NO....the world lost someone last night whose quiet presence in this universe made it a much better place.

In about 2002 I finally had the time and the desire to become more computer literate and internet savvy. I was told the best way to use the internet to the fullest was to social network.....so I found a message board for my favorite local radio station and DJ. It was great fun but when said DJ left our area....I was once again just a very tiny fish in a huge internet pond. I was lost. That was when the creator of the original message board invited me to another board he had founded which was based on politics. I was pretty leery of this, one.....because I really knew very little about politics and two....because I knew very little about politics. He talked me into trying it out and once there.....I never looked back. Why? Mainly because of a young girl I met there. Her name was Sunny. At the time.....Sunny was in her late teens or early 20's and far more politically in tune with the world than I was. She also knew her way around political message boards much better than I did and had the etiquette (what little there was) skillfully mastered. When she could see that I was flailing (which at first was often), she would quietly message me and show me how to fix whatever it was that my words had damaged or gotten me into. She was my message board guardian angel and we just seemed to hit it off from there.

Possibly what bonded us even closer was the similarities in our personalities. She was a devout Catholic as am I, and she was politically conservative and extremely pro-life. Sunny loved babies and worked tirelessly to quietly and respectfully end any and all atrocities to human life. She was one of those people that regardless of which side of the fence you were on politically or morally....you still couldn't help but ~~like~~ love Sunny. We had also had a similar past dealing with premature babies and pro-longed NICU stays. Like my David who had experienced such a difficult start to life, Sunny had a baby sister born in 1997 whom had also started life precariously and had spent about the same amount of time in the NICU as David. They brought Nicole home in December of 1997 but sadly lost her some months later. You could tell the way Sunny spoke of her sister that there was such a bond there even all these years later and maybe that is why we so connected. Whenever David was ill....I was sure that many prayers would be going directly from Illinois to God's ears courtesy of Sunny and her family.

Sunny in her own little way was a very funny girl. I have seen her take on some really dyed in the wool liberals and put them in their place with only a few words. She never seemed to hold a grudge though, nor did they.......which is a bit difficult in the political arena. Minutes later she would be talking to the same liberal about her photography or school or something else completely removed from politics. In all of the things in Sunny's life....you never had need to question where she stood on a subject from the removal of communion rails in the newer Catholic churches...to which political candidate she was standing behind. And she didn't just talk the talk....she acted on her beliefs and openly and actively supported what she believed in .

After the political boards became way too political for me, I took a hiatus from the computer. When I came back I joined facebook and low and behold....I found Sunny. Within a short period of time, I found myself not only friends with Sunny but also her sister and her parents. It was easy to see where Sunny got both her inner and outer beauty as well as her kind heart and strong stance both morally and spiritually. They are truly a lovely family and they loved their Sunny!

In recent years Sunny started having heart problems. As I recall it started with having trouble breathing and I know that she was a bit miffed from time to time as she had to change her diet and change her lifestyle quite a bit. I noticed in her posting that at times you could see a sadness as she was making frequent trips to doctors offices and ER's. I finally messaged her mother and asked what the "real" situation was. (Sunny was not big on complaining.) Here is part of what her mother told me:

"She doesn't like to talk about it. She has Idiopathic Pulmonary Hypertension (PVOD). She will need to have a heart/lung transplant. She is one of 200 people in the world who have this condition. Because it is so rare there hasn't been any research on this disease. No one knows how she got it or what to do for it. There are other types of Pulmonary Hypertension which aren't so rare and there are therapies for those but not for PVOD. She doesn't get out much, and she gets out of breath easy. So much of the time she sits in the "Lazy Boy" with her feet up and surfs the net and is bored."

I was shocked! On top of this....Sunny's insurance dropped her and then they had to find insurance that would accept her and then she had to wait to be treated because of her pre-existing condition. Before she could ever even see a transplant doctor or get on a transplant waiting list all of this had to be in place. Then....it would likely be five years before she was eligible for a match. Sunny and her family all knew that the prognosis was not a good one and the outcome could be dire...but they refused to give into fear and they trudged ahead.

Sunny continued to spend her days in the Lazy Boy working on her laptop, visiting with friends on facebook and her other favorite sites, watching her beloved dogs Coco and Ali and taking pictures out her window.

Sunny's pictures were wonderful. It was as if she was not just taking a photo but somehow capturing the essence of what she was seeing. It also seemed that the furry creatures (often squirrels) who would reside outside her window knew that she needed some entertaining and they would almost always strike a pose for the cutest pictures I have ever seen. Whether she was using her lens to capture a beautiful Cathedral, her wonderful family or the animals in nature who seemed to call her friend.....her photography was captivating.

While facebook seems to be the common ground for people to vent and whine (I should know...I do it enough myself), seldom did you ever see Sunny complain. The few times when she did mention her health....you knew things might be taking a turn for the worse and when this last week she talked openly about how badly she was feeling....I couldn't help but wonder what this meant for her overall health. After I learned she was in the ER and then later admitted....I had a horrid feeling. I prayed with all my heart and yet I knew that her body had been through so much. How much more could it take?

When I heard she was gone.....I cried...and cried...and cried. Someone asked....how many tears is enough to ease the pain? I obviously haven't gotten there yet. I couldn't help though....to feel a bit joyous for her too. Sunny loved God above all else and I know she dashed into His arms with a smile on her face the moment of her death. He father posted that she was now with her little sister and.....I cried some more. It was true....that little sister that she so loved, I am sure got many hugs and kisses last night. I cried not only for the fact that I will never get to see a new Sunny photo or see a Sunny post about something that meant a lot to her or getting a Sunny message that said she would be praying for me, but I cried mostly....for her family. They lost someone so special and no parent should outlive their child.

Sunny was one of those rare people that God only graces this earth with ever so often. She was fragile and strong, gentle and tough, and she left an indelible mark on every life she touched. And she touched many. She made me want to be a better person and emulate the good that I saw in someone so young. She made me smile so often and she showed me how to speak like a lamb and be heard like a lion.

My dear Sunny was not only a wonderful friend but she was also a fan of my blog and when she felt like it she would send me little notes on blogs she liked. So today Sunny....this blog is for you. It is for all your kindness, generosity of spirit and determination. It is for taking the time to help an internet confused lady not trip over her words, for praying my son out of the ICU several times and most of all...for being the sweet and wonderful friend you are. God definitely picked the finest from His garden last night and like The Little Flower St. Therese that you always reminded me of.....you will forever bloom in our hearts. RIP my dear Sunny!

Ghost on the Canvas

2011-12-07T11:11:00.000-06:00

I know I am aging myself, but I grew up in an era where variety shows were the best reality tv going. You could weekly watch Johnny Cash take the stage and say "Hi. I'm Johnny Cash." We could also weekly hear Moon River crooned as Andy Williams and his family and friends entertained us along with shows from Perry Como, Dean Martin and many others. At Christmas time we could always count on specials from Perry Como, Bob Hope and my yearly favorite.....Bing Crosby. It was a simple time with perceived simple values where music reigned king in my home and my parents never had to worry about what I was watching on tv because there were only three stations and in our house....only one tv. Of all my favorite variety shows though...the one that had me sprawled out in front of the tv and begging my parents to turn it on every week, was always the Glen Campell Goodtime Hour. I simply adored this man and my parents were at a loss as to why.

Even at my young age, I knew the pureness of Campbell's voice and he could lull me with songs like Wichita Lineman and Gentle on My Mind. Perhaps the reason though that I was so fascinated by him was that to me, he looked very much like my dad (albeit a slightly younger version). My parents were going through and had been going through a horrific marriage breakup for several years and my dad was not at his best as a father or a husband, but when I saw Campbell on stage....his physical resemblance was close enough that in my mind he was the perfect father figure I wished I had.

Perhaps because of my emotional attachment to this man and the fact that his voice was like no other..... I have been a fan since the late 60's. I have followed him through 45's, LP's, eight tracks, cassett's, CD's and now itunes. In every stack, mix tape or play list I have ever had....Glen Campbell has had a place. Galveston and Southern Nights have woven themselves into the tapestry of my life and have attached themselves to some wonderful memories.

Yes...I know that Campbell's perfection was only in my mind and I watched as he sped out of control and hit a wall during the Tucker years....the years of booze and pills and bad choices. And I forgave him as we all forgive those whose talent eclipses their life and their art becomes intertwined with their ego causing one or both to crash and burn. Sadly I was probably more forgiving of this man and his bad choices than I was of my real father figure. Of course my real dad could never make me smile like RockaDoodle did.

Through the decades I have remained a loyal fan and have introduced my son to this voice. While Z see's only a slight resemblance to his grandfather he, like me......appreciates the beautiful gift which Campbell possesses and the way his songs can stir the soul.

Not long ago....a friend of mine who is a classic country dj was talking to me about the different cc stars and Campbells name was brought up. He then told me that Campbell had been diagnosed with alzheimer and with this diagnosis was embarking on a farewell tour. I felt sucker punched at the news. I know....ridiculous being that stars fall from the entertainment sky all the time. But as you can well imagine....for me it was different....because emotionally his face and his voice connected with me back in the late 60's and through the years he had remained a part of the soundtrack of my life. I was legitimately sad.

A couple of weeks ago I happened to turn on my tv (which coincidentally now has somewhere in the range of 200 channels and I was watching on one of our 3 home tv's) and I saw a tribute to Campbell. I hadn't seen the man in years and amazingly....to me...he still looks like my dad. Campbell sat in the audience and watched as the different stars accompanied by his song writer Jimmy Webb played one Campbell hit after another. The camera would pan to him and you could see the joy in his eyes that he had touched so many people and that now they were paying tribute to his life of work. After all....isn't that what every true artistic being wants....to touch someone with their work? It also struck me as tragically sad, for maybe not tomorrow or even next week.....but someday very soon, he won't remember that night. He won't remember Gentle on My Mind or the Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour or all those singers who paid tribute to him. I won't lie....there were tears.

So this morning I turn on CMT and low and behold who do I see but Glen Campbell. He has a new song out and I was mesmerized. Not only did the words of his song touch me (his voice still has the ability to capture me) but the video was beautiful. So beautiful in fact that again....yes....there were tears. Why all the emotion? I think in some strange way it is because he is emotionally tied up with my father and my feelings for and about him. Maybe too my mind still remembers Campbell as a young man and the video captures glimpses of that man while also reminding us that youth was fleeting and has been replaced by time, age and in his case.....some hard living. Still though it was amazing. This man who has such an awful disease is not going down without a fight and I for one would expect nothing less.

Here and Now

2011-12-01T08:53:00.002-06:00

It feels a bit strange being back. The writer in me though....can only go so long without exploding into an eruption of my own thoughts and words....so it was time. It has been a strange existence recently. I am trying to figure things out and I am learning that even at my age....most answers still allude me. Maybe all of this uncertainty and yes....frustration are because I am racing to the half century mark and I still in so many ways feel like I am barely legal. It is a strange place to be in life and yet I know that at some point and some age we all have to sort out who we are, where we have been and ultimately......where we are going from here.

This last year has been one of seeking, trying new things and trying to find out where and even "if" I fit in anymore. I am here to say that I have no more answers now than I did Jan. 1, 2011. I simply have more miles and more stories.....most of which you all have already read or heard about. Maybe though I have some different perspective.

I have always seen myself through others eyes; my parents, my boyfriends/husband, my kids and my friends. In doing so I have (I believe) tried to emulate who they think I am. Some believe me to be someone I am really not which is a bitch to try to emulate when you have no clue and are faking it, and some see me somewhat closer to who I am. However......since I am not really sure of who I am......it all gets a bit confusing at times. This year I have rebelled against who certain people perceive me to be.....only to find that maybe they are not so far off the mark. On the other hand....I have tried with all my might to be the person that others envision me to be only to find that I am not even close and what is worse.....I can't even fake it. It has been a disappointing time for me and very unsettling.

Along with the skewed perceptions of myself....I have also developed a different view of others. It is obvious that others play this game too. I have learned that some are the people they are to me.....because they see themselves as the person I want or expect them to be and that isn't always good. It is pressure for everyone all the way around. It is like I suddenly see things and people through such different eyes. Now if I could just take the blinders off and see myself.

The world and the people in it can be rather funny in an ironic sense. If we have something good in our lives (love, spouse, kids, good job, etc) we seem to want the same for everyone around us. On the opposite end of the spectrum....if we are sad, miserable, unhappy, out of love, divorced, etc......we seem to want to spread the misery. I have people of both natures in my life and recently I have felt very pulled both ways. I know so many that are truly happy in their lives and because they care they want the same for me. They especially have honed in on the love and spouse thing. I listened and I tried. REALLY....I tried. Maybe it was all the trying. It just didn't work. So many seem floored that I could be a whole decade without a man in my life. It is almost as if I am doing something wrong or unnatural by not being on the prowl and filling my bed and my life with a new man. The reality is.....I am about quality not quantity and just anyone will not due. It has to be right and trying to make it happen just doesn't work. I have been dealing with the fallout of trying to make it happen for months now and I have learned my lesson. Mr. Right is out there. I may already know him or he maybe someone just on the horizon, but whatever the case.....we will find each other and know it.....when it is the right time....not at some contrived, forced time. I am honestly good with that....and I sincerely hope that everyone else is too.

As for the unhappy people in my life trying to share the wealth. I have bought into that too. I have allowed others to make me feel as miserable as they are. I have been brought down so low that I would have to look way up to even seen the curb. The blame is not completely on them. I am very responsible for who I allow in my life and how much control I allow anyone to have over me. Sadly I have been weak enough that my boundaries have not been in place and I have not enforced anything. People can break you if you allow them to and some have come close. I am fighting to regain myself and to implement the line that no one will be allowed to cross.

Sometimes finding yourself is a solitary journey which means you must isolate yourself in order to get to the heart of the matter. I have been doing this....partly because I really don't want anyone's perception of who they "think" I am spilling into my journey and partly because I have been a real whiner on this journey and I don't want anyone's lasting impression of me to be this whiny, pathetic person that I tend to be at times right now. Who I am now is not who I will be (hopefully) when I get this all sorted out. So for everyone involved.....temporarily closing myself off is a necessity. I do however appreciate all who check in from time to time and I am trying to emerge a bit and socialize in those minutes when I feel stronger.

I have relearned what I have always known.....writing is my passion. It keeps my soul in tact and my head from exploding. It also (according to my children) makes me a nicer person and detracts me from their every move. I thought NOT writing for awhile might help to declutter my mind and help me to get centered. All it really did though was give me a whole lot of emotions with no outlet and made me feel as if I was artistically and emotionally suffocating. I also realized what several writer friends of mine had told me all along. I was writing my blog more for others than I was for myself. In some ways I was selling myself and even my readers out by trying to commercialize myself and my blog. It wasn't me and in some ways helped lead me to where I am today. So now my blog is going to be possibly more sporadic, unregimented and completely written on emotion and whim. Sometimes that is the best reading and for now...the only healthy way I can write.

So for all of you who have worried and/or wondered.....I am fine. I am just dealing with, fighting for and trying to make my way through life just like everyone else. I have no idea where this journey is going to take me or how things are going to look when I get on the other side of all of this. All I know is....for here and now, this is who I am, how I am and where you will find me when my thoughts overwhelm me and the world gets too much............

Some Days Just Suck!

2011-10-28T10:55:00.000-05:00

Some days just suck! No matter how hard we try to change the course of events....things just go from bad to worse. Z is having one of those days as we speak. He is learning that sometimes bad days have a domino affect and getting things back on track is almost impossible....therefore....you just have to go with it.....ride the storm out....and pray that when all is said and done....you can laugh at both the situation and yourself.

So far Z's day has gone like this: He tried out for a musical part in the Christmas program and in his words..."he bombed worse than anyone ever." Now I sincerely doubt that is the case, but I pointed out that never has he bombed. He is used to applause and ovations. Every high has a low and we don't learn from the high's. We learn tons from the lows. While he and I both know my words are sage and come from a place of deep knowledge....that doesn't help when both your ego and your spirit feel tromped on.

Next he gets chewed out from the office because he parked in the wrong place in the parking lot. Okay....to put it bluntly those ladies in the office are..........! Nope, I am going to take the high road, but they have made no bones about the fact that they don't care for Z nor do they care for me. Guess what? The feeling is mutual, but one in particular has gone out of her way on more than one occasion to be down right nasty to both Z and I. Yeah....working with kids and their parents is her calling! But I digress. This is Z's first week driving and I know that in his cautiousness.....he is trying to park strategically so that when he leaves school he has the path of least resistance. Still and all though....he needs to learn to pay attention and read signs and know that VISITORS PARKING is actually for the visitors. Instead of saying please move your car though.....they in Z's words.....yelled at him. Now were they their usual nasty selves or did Z just feel yelled at because he already was stinging from the earlier mishaps? I would say it could go either way.

While he was moving his car though....he called me for some words of encouragement and possible ideas on how not to have the entire day tank. I told him it was just one day and he would get through it. He had his doubts but said he was going to do his best. Poor kid....it just wasn't in the cards for him.

About 20 min. ago I got another call from him. His day in fact did go from bad to worse. First of all when he came back into school after moving his car he was given the third degree by those ever so sweet office bi....errrr....ladies asking him why it took him so long to move his car. He said he had a call from me. (A small lie but definitely understandable in light of events.) They then told him that better NOT happen again. Nice to see their brooms are up and running in time for Halloween. (Grrrr) While this didn't help the situation.....he is so used to their attitudes.....it really didn't phase him that much....however.....the next event really was what seemed to sink the entire day to it's lowest depths.

This morning at our house was crazy and Z was very focused on his audition today so apparently.....while he was getting ready for school.....some things slipped through the cracks.....like putting on a belt. Z has taken a growth spurt of late and in that spurt he started losing weight. None of the pants that fit when school started....fit now. So as he was walking through the commons during passing period............yeah you guessed......his pants dropped. Now don't get me wrong....Z is not above dropping his pants in the commons for a laugh, but that is in HIS time. It doesn't feel quite the same when you have already had the day from hell and it is only 9:30 a.m. and you had no plans of showing your boxers that day. Thank God they were clean! There were laughs....lots of laughs but Z felt instead of laughing with him....they were laughing at him. Truth be told, the kids probably thought it was a joke and secondly the same kids that would have laughed had it been a joke were laughing even though it was a totally unplanned skivvy show. Needless to say....that final phone call was frustration and resignation all at the same time. I couldn't help but snicker momentarily at the mental picture.....he on the other hand neither appreciated my snicker nor did he find any humor in the current situation. I told him to laugh it off. He really didn't appear to be in a laughing mood though. I understood. I told him things would get better and to just hold his head up and get to his next class. Not sure if that was what he was looking for.....but he sounded okay when he got off the phone. (Hope the office ladies didn't see him....Grrr)

So why the blog about such a horrible day? Well....because as a parent this was hard on me too. No...I am not making this about me, I am saying that no parent wants to see their kid have such a rotten day. No parent wants to get that call from their kid hearing the underlying "please make it all better," and know there is absolutely nothing they can do to change things. And no parent is without having a few sucky days of their own to pull from...so they can both sympathize and empathize with this kind of day. I know that Z left the house with such hope this morning only to feel like the day beat him up and left him bruised and battered...and all before mid morning even hit. I heard the disappointment in his voice and I could hear the frustration as his day continued to sink further and further into the abyss of high school hell. And yes...I wanted to make it all better......but the fact is....this is life and some days are just gonna suck! Some days are gonna be full of failed auditions, nasty office ladies and pants falling down in a crowd. But it is those days that give us a true life education, teach us humility and make us not take ourselves too seriously. Nothing happened today that is going to change the world, cause irreparable damage or even probably be remembered come Monday. However Z learned some very valuable lessons today. He learned that no matter how talented you are or think you are.....not every audition is going to be your best work or get you a part. If you are a strong person, believe in yourself and your talent....it is those "fails" that make you re-evaluate your performance, make you work harder and make you give your very best every time. If you don't know failure....then you can never appreciate success. He also learned he needs to pay attention and read signs and that some people are just never going to like you or be nice to you. You can let them define you and how you feel about yourself....or you can realize that in most cases......the problem is not you at all....but some issue that they them self have. Finally he learned that everyone loses their pants, wears two different shoes, has a boob pop out or farts loudly at some inopportune time in life. It happens to all of us. It almost seems to be a cosmic joke that keeps us humble and gives God and the angels a chuckle. How we react to these little faux pas is a character building exercise which teaches us to cope with life and all the little unexpected things that tend to happen. Fun? No! But then again the really tough lessons seldom are.

So I hope and yes even said a couple of prayers.....that Z's day improves. Knowing Z's mother....and I do know her well, we will be looking for the humor in all of this as soon as possible. Yeah....some days just suck! What else can I say?

Learning to Pray

2011-10-23T09:31:00.000-05:00

Okay....for the most part, I guess I am back. Life is too short to shove aside that which I love and we all know I love....love....love blogging. Things have settled in my world or maybe I just stopped obsessing about the things that I have no control over. You will probably see me jumping between my three blogs a bit as the other two blogs haven't gotten much love as of late. They are my way of balancing my life and focusing on all that encompasses my world.

Yesterday I spoke of changes in the 51 weeks I have left this year. Well today was a doozie. Z drove by himself for the very first time. I let him drive to a later Mass after I got home from early Mass. Tomorrow he begins driving to school and work. My stomach is in knots.....but I know....I can't be my mother. My mom was a tad bit on the over protective side causing me to hit a lot of milestones a little later than most. I don't want to do that to Z but at the same time I have not wanted to rush him into something he wasn't ready for either. I hate this tightrope that I seem to walk, but as parents there are no hard and fast rules.....so we just take it one milestone at a time/one kid at a time. It's too bad I am not more of a drinker!

This morning Father spoke of changes that are going to occur in the new missalette starting in late November. He explained them and the reasoning for them but I think I tuned him out when he said the word "change." I know life is about change but I am not a fan of change in my church. When he said the word "change" I could feel myself turning into my mother and it didn't help that I was sitting next to my aunt. I am sure the wording will be fine and that I will adjust....I just don't understand why people constantly have to fix what isn't broke.

I spoke yesterday about wanting to learn to pray and I had several emailed comments on that. It appears that I have been able to front my ability to pray for years and have actually done a really good job of it. I was told by several that I had already achieved the "learning to pray goal." In truth though....I don't believe I have. I do way too much asking and not nearly enough thanking. The first words out of my mouth to God are seldom thank you and are often......"I need this or please do that." And being that as I have gotten older I see God as Father in the parenting sense.....I think of my own parenting. When a child comes to you constantly asking the same thing over and over again and you as the parent know that what they are asking for is not good for them, in their best interest and could have dire results.....it gets old and and as parents it can tend to push our anger buttons. Now I know God is slow to anger but according to what my mother used to say....."Lisa...you could drive a saint mad," then I am sure after 49 years of my constant asking.....I am bouncing on God's last nerve. Maybe before I pray and ask.....I should do a quick refresher on what I have, who I have and what I should already be grateful for. And being that God is not deaf and He has heard my needs more than once.....perhaps I should assume that whatever I am asking for is either 1) not in my best interest 2) it is not the time...or 3) my needs will be met in a completely different way. Also....there is a distinct possibility that if I start showing more appreciation for the many wonderful gifts I have already received.....I might not be so needy in the future.

It is kind of like going to the store. Sometimes we already have all we need in the pantry, but we forget to take stock....therefore we think we are still in need and thus try to by more. I know it is a strange analogy, but it does fit. It has happened on more than one occasion that the things I "thought" I needed....I already had. They were sitting right in front of me and not until I opened my eyes and took stock did I realize it. God ALWAYS gives us what He knows we need. Sometimes though....we don't see it or we think we need something different. Bottom line is....... He is always right and when we fight against Him is when we usually end up really shooting ourselves in the foot. Just like kids. When we know what is best for them and they take it upon themselves to do something different....often they end up getting into real trouble which then in turn we as their parent are called upon to help them out of.

So this is why at 49 I am learning to pray. I am learning to ask for only what I truly need, learning to be truly thankful for what I already have and trying always to remember that when I put things in God's hands.....there is no safer place for them to be. This lesson will definitely keep me a work in progress for many many years to come.

Happy Sunday everyone!

Before I Turn 50

2011-10-22T14:38:00.000-05:00

So I was thinking. Today it has officially been one week since I turned 49 years old and I only have 51 more weeks until I hit the magic 50 years old. That is right....in just 51 weeks I will be half a century old. WOW! For a lot of years it seemed that life was moving right along and I was moving with it. I was married, having kids, working and loving life. Then.... the bottom fell out and everything changed....it seems that a good portion of the last decade has been spent in a mechanically functioning but not really achieving or accomplishing mode. I guess that is why turning 50 is so much on my mind......even when I just turned 49. It dawned on my today that there is much I want to do and accomplish before I hit that new mile stone in my life and much I have let fall to the way side in the last decade that I would like to catch up. Thus came the idea for today's blog. What I Want to do Before I Turn 50!

Before I turn 50........

I want to lose at least 25 lbs.
I want to complete just one unfinished project
I want to have my house completely clean from top to bottom and everything in between all at the same time
I want to truly forgive someone who up till now I couldn't
I want to tuck the past away and only see the here and now
I want to learn to pray
I want to dance
I want to smile at least once every day
I want to kiss someone special and feel 16 again
I want to walk in the rain
I want to travel some place wonderful and new
I want my kids to have no doubts how special they are to me or how much I love them
I want to spend time with friends and appreciate what each one brings to my life
I want to laugh until I cry because I don't do nearly enough of that
I want to take some classes
I want to teach a class
I want to touch someone with my writing
and
I want to make a difference and leave my forties knowing that I didn't just merely exist...but that I actually lived!

Yeah...I know....a pretty lofty "want" list for just 51 short weeks. Doable? Who knows but the longest journey starts with just one tiny step and my tiny step is this blog. While I will always be a work in progress.....life is about learning and accomplishing and I intend to do some of both. Even though have no unrealistic ideas that 49 will be a cake walk.....I have a pretty good feeling that it just might be a great ending to a not so great decade and a wonderful beginning to a brand new one. I guess only time will tell but right now....I would put money on me taking a pretty good bite out of that list!

Change

2011-10-18T09:24:00.000-05:00

Strange to be back on the computer again. I haven't done much even on facebook in several days. I feel a great big disconnect in my world and I have no idea why. It was as if I woke up the day after my birthday...a different person. I don't feel the same, look at the things the same or even desire the same things. I feel very alone.....but not the least bit lonely. I feel extremely irritable.....but not at all angry. I feel like I need to step outside my box......but I don't feel boxed in at all. Not sure where all of this came from, but I do know that there was not a want, but a need to blog today. I felt as if a lot of emotions were coming to the surface and I needed to put them in their place. The hard part was turning on my computer. The device which I am usually attached at the hip to.....I had almost a repulsion when thinking about actually having to use it. Strange after the years long, daily affair I have had with it.

Today there is no topic and no theme to my blog. Today is just my thoughts and emotions running wild and coming out....as they come up. This is much how my blog originally started way back when, so I guess I have gone back to the basics. Again...I have no idea what is going on inside me. I don't even recognize me right now. Literally I feel as if I woke up someone else on Oct. 16th. All the things I thought I wanted.....thought I needed.....thought I felt, are gone. I feel this determination for something, but I am clueless as to what. My sleeping hours are short but restful. My waking hours are long and full. It seems I am piling a great deal on myself, maybe testing myself to see what I can accomplish. I actually have been accomplishing. I have some directions but where it is leading I have no idea.

I suddenly have quit worrying about the unimportant things. I don't care what people think or say about me (which I really didn't before....except when I did) and I don't feel the need to be heard anymore. That is huge because that is the crux of who I am. Perhaps I have felt so out of control for so long and truly without a voice.....that I have needed to be heard. Maybe this blog is my need to be heard or maybe....it is just my way of screaming into a pillow at the top of my lungs? Again...no idea. I feel as if a part of me if fighting to keep my head above water, while another part is swimming beautiful with no regard for time, distance or depth.

I know I spoke of determination.....and this is something that is so powerful inside me right now. I feel determined to accomplish. What? I am really not sure, but there is something and it feels like it is just within my fingertips. I will know it when I touch it, but until then......I keep striving with this unbelievable determination. Does this all sound strange to you? It does to me too!

In spite of all that I am feeling and the words that you are seeing.....I am good. In fact.....I am better than I have been in a very long time. Maybe the reason for this is because I don't feel like me. The me I had become felt faded, old and tired. I imagined myself as some kind of old flowered wallpaper that resided in an old lady's parlor. It was pretty and new at one time, but now it was just a vague reminder of the past. Now though.....I don't feel like that. I feel as if things are changing. I don't feel so faded. I feel as if the color is coming back and with it the fire that gives me those extreme emotions I have been lacking. I haven't felt happy in a long time, but happiness (true happiness) seems to be sneaking its way back in. I don't feel so tired now. I feel refreshed and ready to greet whatever my future holds and I don't seem to dread the bad but honestly am looking forward to the good which I know is there. The old....I cannot change. If we are lucky......we all get there, but I am not yet there. I still have much to see and do....many to fight with, laugh with and love. Age will come.....but old will always be just up over the next hill and I have many hills yet to climb before I get there.

So who am I now? I have absolutely no idea. All I know is who I was when I went to bed Oct. 15th and who I woke up to be Oct. 16th are two vastly different people. Will the new me remain? Will the old me come back? Only time and God will tell, but for now there is change and change is good. Right?

Riverside Cafe of Derby...A Fantastic Experience

2011-10-12T14:44:00.001-05:00

Okay...okay! I know I said I was on hiatus....and really....I am, but when something excites me.....I just gotta blog. Today I was excited. In fact I was so excited that it threw me out of my week long...."I want to take my toys and go home," funk. Well at least it put a band aid on it and made me want to take the time to blog.

So what am I so excited about? Derby has a new restaurant. For those of you who are scratching your head and wondering what a Derby is and why a new restaurant is so exciting....I will tell you. Derby is a small town just to the south of Wichita. It is quickly becoming the gateway town to the town I live in. It is where I work, have doctors and do most of my shopping. Now Derby has been full of fast food for many years and has one truly outstanding home grown pizza place, a great home grown bar/burger place and recently with the expansion of Derby....we have been inundated with many chains such as Applebees, but Derby has lacked a really great down home, comfort food type of restaurant. Well I am pleased to say...no not even pleased...let's say ecstatic....no ecstatic isn't even strong enough. Let us say OVER THE MOON....that Derby now has a FANTASTIC new home town restaurant called Riverside Cafe of Derby.

I had heard from several friends that it was there. It is on the main drag which is K-15/Baltimore in the old Post Office strip mall. You can see the sign from the road, and although I knew it was there....I really figured it was just a flash in the pan type place. Perhaps I should pick up a Wichita Eagle from time to time and actually read. If I had....I would have known that Paul and Heather Cohlmia had opened this fabulous little place (3000 sq. ft. of little) in September and it has been doing land office business since. Maybe the reason for it's success is the fact that before Derby, the Cohlmia's opened the original Riverside Cafe in Wichita, on West 13th (in Riverside) and with it's success then opened another one in Wichita on Woodlawn in the old Livingston's building. From that success they decided upon Derby as their next spot. Lucky us!!!!!! By the time it made it to Derby...it was a household name amongst the connoisseurs of fine down home comfort food. Again....perhaps if I ever ventured beyond the borders of Derby....I might have known all of this. The fact that I didn't though....made today a wonderful surprise.

Z had more tests this morning...yet again and because of the tests, he couldn't eat before we left the house. By the time the tests were through....he was starving and there is little to eat up by Via Christi St. Francis, so we made our way back to Derby, dropped off a prescription and decided to try out this new little restaurant that everyone was raving about. To see it from the outside, you would think it would be small and I was expecting maybe a little soda fountain type place with a couple of tables. Boy was I wrong. Now mind you....we walked in at 10:15 in the morning....and the place was busy. It has a nice ambiance of restaurant, soda fountain and friendly gathering place. It is meticulously clean and you get to seat yourself...something I like very much as I like to put myself strategically to watch people. Yes...I am a people watcher. Almost the moment you are comfortably seated in either a booth or at a table.....your drink order is taken and you are handed a menu, and believe me....this is SOME menu. They serve breakfast all day and have everything from appetizers to desserts and salads, burgers and full meals. It is the meals that really get you though. Talk about comfort. You can have ham and beans, chicken and noodles, goulash and swiss steak and this is just the beginning. Every comfort food you can think of was there and if you couldn't find what you were looking for on the menu....all you had to do was look on the back chalk board wall where everyday of the week offered three palate pleasing choices. I was drooling before I even ordered. Honestly.....I almost couldn't decide what to order. I wanted it ALL!!!

Z ended up settling on 1/3 pound hamburger with fries and I got the hot meatloaf sandwich. Honestly....the key ingredients here were the french fries and the meatloaf. A place is only as good as its fries and if you can make a good meatloaf.....then everything else is a piece of cake. The fries were wonderful. They were not greasy, nor were they wimpy. They were simply perfect. And as for that meatloaf....oh yum. It was about a 5-6" slice of meatloaf over two slices of white bread covered in brown gravy. It was also served with "real" mashed potato's complete with chunks of potato. It was to die for.

There was little conversation going on between Z and I as we were much too busy snarfing. Once done though I asked Z what his opinion was as if I didn't get a hint from the speed and accuracy in which he chowed his bruncheakfast. He let me know that this burger surpassed all others and being the burger snob he is.....he will likely never eat a burger from anywhere else. The fries he guarded like a pit bull and after my first taste I was no longer allowed to even gaze upon them. They were his.

The experience....and yes I say experience because that is what it really was. You simply don't expect to find something this wonderful in a town of fast food and chain restaurants. But the experience was amazing. After eating I just sat there looking around and planning my next visit back. I was so impressed that I even asked to speak to the owner and let her know that this blog was in the works. A place like this needs to be cherished and supported as Derby is now one lucky little town to have such a culinary establishment and I guarantee I will be dining there whenever money permits. And speaking of money....the menu is very reasonably priced. A family can enjoy a wonderful meal and not break the bank or have eaters remorse afterwards.

So you see....good food and a great atmosphere can do wonders for a broken spirit and this morning....thanks to Riverside Cafe of Derby and the wonderfully friendly staff....my spirit was soaring. To all the locals....do yourself a favor and give this place a try and for anyone not local that decides to travel down Derby way....the Riverside Cafe is a must try.

Not Goodbye......Just.......See Ya Later

2011-10-11T12:14:00.000-05:00

Well...if you are tuning in to read about dating life in Lisaland...sorry. Today there are no updates. Partially because I have done nothing to have updated and partially because life is back throwing curve balls again. It appears that I am going to have to pull my fragmented brain together and focus on some immediate issues that need every thought process I have available. This means things that usually work better in fragments may temporarily fall by the wayside. Blogging happens to be one of those things.

Right now....life is requiring my full attention and as much as I would really like to run and hide....I have to meet it head on. This means I am going to have to use all of my mental and physical resources and there will be little time left for much else. Of course....we all know that blogging has become my therapy, so who knows...you maybe hearing from me sooner than later....just so I can vent, but the topic days will be on hiatus for awhile.

I am a bit sad about this as I set a goal for myself of daily blogging and I have done a pretty darn good job up til now. Please know that I am not going anywhere....I will definitely be back. I just need a little real world adjustment in Lisaland. Wow....this last week of my 48th year is looking to be a doozie. Please all who read...if you would....keep me and my little world in your thoughts and prayers and keep an eye out....because I will return.

This is not goodbye...only....see ya later.

Shrimp and Brownies....Yum!

2011-10-10T19:36:00.000-05:00

Oh my word. Today has been a Monday of epic proportions. In fact....today has been a Monday that even other Monday's fear. Trust me....later in the week I have some wonderful "rant" material. Today though.....we will do what we do best on Mondays....and that is talk food.

Again this week I have some guest recipes. One is from an old internet friend and another is from a new internet friend. The first one comes from a gentleman who I met years ago back when I used to frequent political message boards. This man was always a gentleman even in the face of those who were less than respectful. He earned my respect early on and was always a favorite of mine. After I quit the boards though...I lost track of this dear man until he showed up on facebook and little did I know....he is quite the chef. Today is one of Greg T.'s recipes, Tequila Lime Shrimp with Peppers.....and it sounds absolutely delicious.

The second recipe comes from a new internet friend who follows my blog. J'nelle is the young mother of three and only in the last year has she been really learning to cook. Her favorite thing to do is take something that is considered a "convenience" food and tweak it to give it a homemade flair. J'nelle's Caramely Delicious Brownies sound like the perfect end to a perfect meal and so easy too because she uses a box brownie mix.

So without further ado....let's get these recipes started!

Tequilla Lime Shrimp with Peppers

1 LB. Jumbo shrimp (26-30 per pound)
1/2 coarsely chopped green bell pepper
1/2 coarsely chopped red bell pepper
2 coarsely chopped Annaheim chili peppers
1 finely chopped Jalapeno
1/2 cup diced white or red onions
1/2 cup sliced ripe olives
2 sticks thinly sliced fresh celery
1/2 LB. thinly sliced mushrooms (Button, Portabella or Shitake)
1 can diced tomatos, drained
1/2 cup finely minced fresh cilantro

2 to 3 tbsp olive oil
3 cans Campbell's Cream of Shrimp soup
1-1/2 cans milk or Half-n-Half
1/2 cup fancy shredded Pepper Jack cheese
1 LB. your choice of pasta (penna, mosticiolli, spaghetti, fettucini, etc.)
1 cup crushed tortilla chips (Nacho Cheese Dorritos works nicely)
1 pkg premium quality taco seasoning mix
2 tsp Spanish Chili Powder
2 or 3 cloves fresh, finely minced garlic
Salt and Pepper to taste

Saute seafood in olive oil until shrimp are pink and nearly done, drain and save oil, set seafood aside. Saute vegetables with garlic in olive oil only until onions are opaque and peppers and celery are still firm. Add soup, milk, sauteed seafood and spices to vegetables, bring to a boil, then reduce heat to simmer for 15 minutes. While simmering, prepare pasta. When pasta is done, drain and serve on large plates sprinkled with cilantro, tortilla chips and cheese with soup mixture ladled over the top.

This is great recipe which feeds 6 to 8 people. Serve with cold beer, white wine or your favorite soft drink.
Don't expect leftovers, this one is very tasty and fattening.

Caramely Delicious Brownies

Your favorite packaged boxed brownie mix
caramel ice cream syrup
1 pkg semi-sweet or milk chocolate morsels

Prepare brownie mix per directions and put in backing dish or pan, but before baking, squeeze caramel syrup and pool three or four places in the batter. Then take a knife and swirl the caramel throughout the batter. Bake according to directions. When done while still hot, pour the package of chocolate morsels over the top of the brownies and then cover the dish/pan with foil for 15 min. After 15 min., remove foil and morsels will be melted. Take a knife and cover evenly. Let cool another 15 min. and serve. They are so gooey and delicious....not to mention very easy!

Well there you have it....today's recipes and I would like to thank Greg T. and J'nelle for their wonderful recipes. If you would like to be a guest on My Favorite Recipes please email me, message me or facebook me and let me know. Who knows....you could be next!

Here's hoping that your day has been better than mine and that what is left of it is fantastic. Happy Monday everyone!

Rain and Tears

2011-10-09T17:45:00.000-05:00

Today the rain is fitting, for I feel like crying. There is a sadness in me. Not sure where it came from...or why it is here. Maybe I just need a good cry. Tears welling up in my eyes but not going anywhere....don't count. Perhaps I just need to cry until I can't anymore and then I will feel better....although I have no idea what I would cry over. Things are basically decent now.

Maybe I could cry over getting ready to turn another year older? No....I am really not sad about that. Living to see another birthday is a good thing. I am thinking though....that maybe part of my sadness. This weekend a friend of mine's husband lost his brother. It was an accident and he was still fairly young....58. And trust me, from my vantage point of life....58 is still young. I went to school with this friends husband and he and his entire family were wonderful. I know this is a crushing loss for them. I hate the suffering that loss brings about.

This was not the only loss this weekend. The town and my church lost a lovely lady. She was the mother of another guy from my class. She was the mom of 13 kids and a military wife. While I never got to know her on a personal basis....she was always wonderful to me. She knew my name and would always seek me out at church events or if she saw me out and ask me about my family and how I was doing. She was a little lady whose smile could light up a room. She was a tireless worker at church events and not a Sunday went by that she and her husband weren't at Mass. The thing I found so special about this lady and her husband was they way they seemed to cherish each other. Often times I would see them in church holding hands and he would look at her as if she was a young girl and he was falling in love. It was always awesome to watch such love and devotion after so many years. In recent years.....she began to fail and her mind began to go and yet he was ever her protector, always at her side and still looking at her as if she were the most beautiful girl in the world. When I heard today that she was gone....I couldn't help but think of him and the loss he must feel after 63 years. Yesterday....he lost the love of his life.....the most beautiful girl in the world....and yes....I shed a tear.

So the rain continues to fall and I can hear it gently hit the earth through my open windows. It is refreshing the earth and cleansing the atmosphere..........and making me want to cry. Maybe I will just give in, let loose and then.....move on. May Max Nichols and Margaret Armstrong rest in God's gentle presence and may their families be given the thoughts, prayers, love and strength to get through this tremendously sad time.

Here's hoping that your Sunday is not quite as melancholy as mine and that you have a peaceful and happy day. Happy Sunday everyone!

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

2011-10-08T16:52:00.000-05:00

I know that if you are under 25 and I say...."when I was a kid...." your eyes are going to glaze over and your mind will wander. It is not until you reach a certain age and a certain level of maturity that you realize wisdom and age walk hand in hand for a reason. The main reason is....experience. All the old sayings like, youth is wasted on the young in fact are true. Not until you live.....do you understand. More than that ....the younger you are....the wiser you think you are and the older you get....the more you realize just how much you have left to learn.

Okay....this is rant day and I am sure you are wondering where I am going with this. So let me start by saying.....when I was a kid my parents taught me many things. One of the important ones was...you respected adults. It didn't matter whether those adults where your parents, grand parents, teachers, neighbors or the mailman. If they were older you called them Mr. or Mrs. and ma'am and sir. In public especially, you were expected to show manners.......not talk back and hold your tongue regardless of what was said. To this day I still say ma'am and sir and I still call my elders Mr. and Mrs. In my job too I notice that I have far more patience or maybe it is far more respect for those older than myself....... than some of my younger co-workers seem to.

So what is my rant already???? Young people and their level of disrespect for their elders. Again...when I was growing up, what was expected of me.....was expected of most. Kids would never dare call another friends mom or dad by their first name. They would never think to back talk a teacher or answer without a ma'am or sir being attached. So what has happened to our kids and grand kids? Suddenly we have a generation of kids who find disrespect not only acceptable but the norm. I realize that maybe with the changes in the world, more homes having both parents working and other social changes that maybe the emphasis of elder respect has been glossed over, but the level of disrespect in my opinion is really alarming.

In the last week alone I saw several situations where kids in their teens and early twenties showed total disrespect. One case was a young man driving down the road. He was in one of the newer mustangs. He looked to have been all of about 17 and he cut a woman who was probably a little older than myself off. She had kids in her car and she had to slam on her brakes to avoid an accident. He just laughed and flipped her off as he spun around her. REALLY? The next was going into the pharmacy. Two young men in their early twenties walked up to the door and first of all....stepped ahead of an elderly lady with a walker. Rather than step ahead and hold the door for her.....they walked ahead and let the door close on her as she was trying to enter. I grabbed it just as it was about to hit her walker. Again...REALLY? Then there was the young lady who was with her mother and wanted her computer fixed. It was determined that the issue was the young girls fault from misuse. The mother told her that they would bring it back to get it fixed when the girl could pay for it on her own (apparently she had a job). The girl was immediately angry and told me to go ahead and fix it. The mother looked embarrassed but held her ground and said "no...you are paying for this." The girl became enraged and said "this is f#%@ed up. You can be such a b#$%&!" She then grabbed the computer and slammed it shut further damaging the already damaged hinge. She then side swiped her mom with the computer and stomped out.....leaving mom red faced and apologetic! It was a bit embarrassing for me too. What is going on with kids? Did the basics of respect both for others and themselves skip a generation?

Z constantly comes home and tells me stories of how kids talk to teachers with no worries of repercussions or punishment. He has told me how other kids talk to their parents, grand parents and other adults showing zero respect as if they were some how entitled to act this way. Z on the other hand knows if he goes to someones house he better address parents as Mr. or Mrs., he better say "please" and "thank you" and he better be respectful at all times. The same goes for teachers, neighbors and anyone who is older. He knows if it was ever reported to me that he was ever anything but respectful.....life as he knows it would end.

I guess many kids today aren't taught the fundamental aspects of respect. I learned this a long time ago with Man Childs friends, so with Z's friends.....I make sure that they the understand the rules where I am concerned and in my home....up front. They know what is and what is not acceptable in my home, that four letter words are not to be used here, that if they mess it up....they clean it up and that my word is law. Cross me and you don't come back. It is as simple as that. So far....I have had no problems. Well....just one. It never fails that when Z brings a new friend home....they always ask Z what they should call me. Apparently no one (but Z) calls anyone's parents by Mr. or Mrs. anymore and I don't want his friends calling me Lisa, so Z just tells them to call me Mom! So far that has worked and all involved are okay with it.

So again I ask....what has happened to kids respecting adults? I know this may sound old fashioned, but darn if I don't feel that I deserve some respect. Okay...so maybe this wasn't so much a rant and more of an unhappy observance on the human condition. At any rate...the verbalization of my dissatisfaction is complete and I will wish you all a good day. Happy Saturday everyone!

Motherhood For Dummies.......The Greatest Job on the Planet

2011-10-07T09:32:00.001-05:00

So as I was going to bed last night....I was thinking about my kids. Yes...it is true that they can drive me crazy sometimes, make me wonder about my parenting skills and single handedly keep Miss Clairol in business, but there is much more to them than just their minor indiscretions. With all five kids, at least one time or another in their young lives, they have made me really proud to be a part of their lives. They have amazed me, put me over the moon and made me whisper a prayer of thanksgiving to God that He put them into my life. It is those moments that make all the other stuff just disappear from thought. It is those moments which make motherhood so worth while.

When the two oldest came into my life, they were coming off of step mother #1 and it hadn't been the best of experiences for them, so they had every right to be leery of this new woman. In fact...with the knowledge I had of their past experience....I firmly expected a long breaking in time, followed by an even longer acceptance time. To my surprise...none of this came to pass. In fact....it was just the opposite. On our first meeting....I was prepared for the very worst, but what I got was two kids who were very polite, very accepting and very loving. They welcomed me with open arms and never once seemed to confuse their past situations with the present. The true test though.....came when they came to stay with us for several weeks in the summer for the first time.

Again I prepared myself for them missing their mom, their home and all that they knew and were comfortable with. While I know there was some homesickness involved.....they gave me the greatest gift a step mother could ever have. They treated me like family. They acted like kids. They argued with each other, got frustrated with me, their dad and rules. They made friends, lived life and every night before they went to bed....they hugged us, kissed us and told us they loved us. We talked, we played games, we went places and we were a family. The best part was when they left.....there were tears all around. We were a family and since I didn't try to be mom....fully aware that they already had a great mom....they welcomed me in and gave me a special place all my own. How could you not be proud of two exceptional kids with such generosity of heart and spirit? Sean and Tiffany.....I love you beyond words.

Man Child....although he has probably given me the most gray hair of all, has had his shining moments. His best moments came when David was born. MC was left to take care of the home front and Z, while his dad and I frantically tried to spend every waking moment with David. MC was 15 and we were in the process of moving the day I went into labor with David....so he was left to do much of the unpacking and also he had a 4 year old brother whom he took care of. At the time he was homeschooling, so he was doing his class work, taking care of the new house, taking care of Z and coming to the hospital whenever he could. During that time.....not once did he ever complain. He had the weight of the world on his shoulders and he handled it not like a teenager, but like a man. Quite honestly....had he not been there to help like he did.....Tim and I would have been much more stressed than we were...and as it was....we were at a breaking point. Looking back and knowing all that he did....I realize that at 15 most kids would not have been able to handle what was thrown on MC and get through it without once single ounce of jealousy or complaint. He was simply an amazing kid and I am not sure he knows just how much his efforts helped to keep our family in tact.

Z! Oh what can I say about Z? Z can take me from zero to crazy in 2.2 seconds. He can make me laugh harder than anyone and make me angrier than just about anyone. He is really an amazing kid, but at times....he truly shines brightly. I think my proudest moments with Z are right now. Yes....he has done some extraordinary things in his young life...not the least of which is surviving the death of his father, but now....I see him growing. It is as if he is finding his place in life and all his past experiences are making him this wonderful young man. I am especially amazed when I see what a champion Z is for David. Z gives David the perfect amounts of helping him to achieve, guiding him to learn and then just down right roll on the floor rough housing and brotherly attention......so that David never feels different with him. David always knows that Z has his back and so does the rest of the world. Through Z....he has taught his own friends to respect, love and cherish David and he makes sure that the rest of the world see's David not as a child with special needs.....but merely as a special young man! To watch Z with David often brings tears to my eyes. They are brothers to the fullest extent....but more....they are best friends. Z's patience and understanding along with his respect and love for his younger brother show a maturity beyond his years and this makes me proud beyond words. He truly is an amazing kid.

And my David. He survived! That was his first huge hurdle and every day....ever since.....David has had hurdles to climb and he not only climbs them....but often he clears them. It appears that no ceiling is too high for him and no fences can corral him for he fights to exceed all expectations and keep going. With him....normal childhood milestones have become huge events and we keep celebrating these events as he continues to succeed and exceed. For all the pokes, prods, surgeries, seizures, bumps and bruises he has had in his young life....he has rarely shed a tear. In fact he tends to face these obstacles with a fighting spirit. Sometime he actually comes out swinging, while other times he merely sets his face to a steely glare......showing the needle, the hurdle and the world that he will not be defeated. David continues to fight and win and he makes those around him want to do the same. He makes me want to be the best I can be for him......because each day.....he is the best he can be for us. David is a blessing I never knew I needed, but God did. God knew that I needed this young man to guide me, show me what life really has to offer and see what real beauty was all about. Never a day goes by that I am not grateful and that I don't learn something from this exceptional young man. David is a gift and he teaches me daily. I am one lucky mama.

No....motherhood is not easy. It has no instructions....each child is different....and you don't get do overs. The best you can do is resign yourself to the fact that some days you will get it right and others....you will get it oh so wrong. Your kids are going to drive you to the brink sometimes; make you cuss, make you cry and sometimes.....even make you drink. Then though...there will be those days when they shine and you will know without a doubt.........motherhood is the greatest job on the planet.

Well..those are my motherhood words of wisdom for this fall Friday. Here is hoping that your day is wonderful, beautiful and full of joy. Happy Friday everyone.

I Like Donating Life

2011-10-06T13:39:00.000-05:00

Ahhh Thursday and To Like or Not to Like!!!! Today's is easy as I have been thinking about it for several days. Why? Because my mind works in many strange ways. When I look at something or someone...sometimes it sets off a chain reaction that makes me think of something else...which then makes me think of another something which in the end.....really has nothing to do with what I was originally thinking about. Yeah...I know! Scary!

You ready to hear the train of thought that got me to today's Like? Here goes. The other day I was at Walmart looking at iPod's (RIP Mr. Job) and as I did I was thinking that I was too old to be looking at "toys". This got me to thinking of Z...who should have been the one standing there drooling over these shiny, musical play things. For some reason at this point I wondered if he had taken his sophomore school pictures yet and what his school ID would look like this year since his hair is blond and short instead of long and black. This got me to thinking about his drivers license and wondering if he changed his appearance drastically like that if he would have to get a new license with a picture of how he currently looked? This then made me wonder if he had signed the back of his license to be a donor. From there I was thinking about someone who had once told me if you want to be a donor....never sign your license but put it in a living will. If you sign your license then they might let you die and use you as a donor when they could have saved you. I then thought....what a bunch of bull. Which then made me think of Tim (my late husband) who had NOT signed his license but had discussed his decision to be a donor with me...and upon his death I gave the go ahead for him to be a donor. Had I not been there though.......well that is kind of what this blog is about. All of this thinking just standing there in Walmart. Think how deep I might have gone had I been in a library. But I digress.

So today....I like (love) donors. We all know that all we have to do is sign the back of our drivers license and upon our death...if our organs are viable.....we can be donors. What does it mean to be a donor? It can mean a second chance at life for someone or at the very least....a chance at a better life for someone. Whether it means a compatible heart or liver, or cornea's, bone or skin, these are all life changing donations for someone in need. And what does it mean for the organs to be viable? It means that major organs such as heart, liver, lungs, kidney's etc......have to be harvested while they are still living and healthy. Often the donor is put on or kept on life support until said organs have been removed. Other donations such as skin, bone and cornea's can be removed and used within a certain amount of time after death.

It is obvious what use the major organs can be to someone. They can literally save a life and add years that someone might not have had otherwise. Other donations though such as bone, cornea and skin might not be life saving but could definitely be life altering such as helping someone to see again, walk or move properly or start repairing damage from a burn or accident. In a certain way...the donor literally continues to live on through others. What an amazing gift.

In our situation, Tim had not signed his drivers license. I have no idea why, but he had said on more than one occasion that he wanted to be a donor. I knew those were his wishes. When I came home to find Tim, he had been gone for several hours. The major organs were no longer viable and so I assumed his being a donor was out of the question. When the coroner finally came though....they asked me if he was a donor. I said yes but I had no idea he had at that point....anything donatable. I was wrong. We donated skin, bone and his corneas. In a way....it felt as if Tim had done so much for so many in life.....and now....even in death he would continue to help others. It was one of the few things that helped me to survive the nightmare of losing him.

On the day of Tim's funeral after everyone had left....I got a call. It was a young woman whom I only casually knew, but she knew of Tim's death. She had ties to the local organ bank and although she was not suppose to tell me....she let me know that Tim's cornea's had been transplanted that day into a man....just about Tim's age.....who would now be able to see thanks to Tim. I cried! My beautiful, wonderful husband was living on and continuing to help others. It was amazing and helped to make one of the worst days of my life...just a little better.

Blessedly, I nor my family has never needed any sort of organ donations.....although David and I both went through blood like a couple of vampires after he was born. I hope though...if the need ever does arrive, someone as caring and wonderful as my Tim has either singed their drivers license or made their wishes known loud and clear, so through them....life may continue for others. If you have any questions....or would simply like to know more about organ donation head on over to Organ Donation America and learn what donation can mean for both you and others.

So there you have it. Today....I like organ donation and now you know a little more about the really scary inner workings of my mind. Hope you have a great day and Happy Thursday everyone!

160 Acres...and Me

2011-10-05T12:10:00.003-05:00

Here we go again. It is Wednesday and I am struggling. What to say about me????? Well...today I thought I would share with you a place that holds me so tightly and to this day I can tear up thinking about it. I actually had put this place to the back of my mind until the other day when one of my cousins brought it up. I immediately went back to a time and a place which in it's own way....was integral in making me who I am today.

The family which I come from is different in many ways. My mother was the youngest of eleven children and her family grew up dirt poor post WWI through the 1950's. During that time, the world changed immensely but some things never changed and one of those was their home. They lived on 160 acres of dry, red Oklahoma clay. The house had started out as part of a log cabin and as the years went on and the family grew, additions were put on. In it's final stages, the house had a large kitchen, a small enclosed back porch, one (1) small bathroom with only a shower, sink and toilet, a living room and three bedrooms. There were little coal heaters and no air conditioning what so ever. In the winter the house was so poorly insulated that ice formed on the inside of the windows and the wind blew through the unsealed cracks. In the summer windows were open leaving the house prey to Oklahoma insects (centipedes, scorpions, assorted spiders and other flying beasts) and the ever present Oklahoma red dirt dust that flew every time the wind blew. Through all it's constructional frailties....this house was a fortress and held this family together sending each of the children out into the world with either a college degree, military service, marriage or all the above. In those walls the family was a tightly knit unit....but because of their upbringing or maybe the desire to get beyond those 160 acres there was no reuniting for holidays, birthdays and not a lot of reunions when I was growing up. Still...in all our minds, that plot of land with the little house, barn and run down out buildings was a connection we all had.

I remember as a very young child making the trip from Kansas to Oklahoma was exciting for me. It meant climbing in my aunt's teal Pontiac station wagon (she also lived in Kansas) with my mom, brother and cousins and making the 2 1/2 drive to visit my grandpa. (My grandmother sadly died when I was two). The trip always took much longer than the 2 1/2 hours as we stopped at Nickerson Farms for breakfast and spent lots of time looking at their bees which they kept and then of course milling through the gift shop was a must. Once on the road again....there were always bathroom breaks (hello...they were traveling with at least 4 kids at any given time). This was always so exciting and fun for me. Once we got there though.....there was always avoiding Grandpa's dogs (Bruno or King or whichever dog was currently residing with him). None of his dogs ever seemed to like kids so we had to be cautious. Then we would spend time in the old house freezing or suffocating (depending on the time of year), nosing through old pictures, snooping in drawers and entertaining our selves in the back bedroom while the adults laughed and visited in the kitchen.

It was always a thrill for us kids and regardless where in line as a grand kid you fell...you remember.... Grandpa going out to call his cows in from the pasture to eat. Grandpa would yell "Boss...Boss!" and the cows would come running. The barn they came home to was a huge old thing that "I" was never allowed to go near because of creaky boards, snakes and assorted other possible horrors that my mother was sure lurked there, but my older cousins that were more farm savvy than myself loved the place. Man how I longed for just one afternoon sitting in the barn loft looking out over the farm. In my mind....I would have even braved the snakes.

Even on the hottest afternoons, sitting out under the huge trees that grew in Grandpa's yard...you could always find a breeze and many was the time we all shared that yard. Again....Mom was not too trusting of us kids being allowed to roam freely on the vast acres that constantly beckoned us to come explore. Her cautionary nature did not see kids running and playing in the fields....it saw a road (though not busy) in one direction, a canyon in another and Grandpa's bull in yet another. Mixed in were farm vermin right and left which about put Mom over the edge as her father and siblings ribbed her over her extreme caution. At the time I felt suffocated but now....doing it by myself and being solely responsible for the young lives God entrusted me with.....I sort of understand Mom's phobias a bit better.

As I grew older, my Aunt Margaret moved out to the house to help take care of Grandpa and to be in the one place she loved more than life itself. Going to the house then was much more pleasant. Aunt Margaret redid part of the house, the furniture was more comfortable and the bathroom no longer creeped me out. By this time the dogs were friendlier and it seemed that either we came to the farm more or the rest of the family did.... as it was the place to get together and hang with cousins I rarely got to see and get to know aunts and uncles who until now were just names. It also seemed that the older I got the longer our visits were. I think it was quite possibly Mom's realization that "home" really was where the heart was at and that her fathers life was winding down. It was at this time that I became so in tune to the house and the farm. Many an afternoon I spent sitting in the front yard at the picnic table writing. I tried to imagine the farm alive with kids and animals. In my mind I pictured the garden, the pig pens and the lilac bushes that Mom always talked about. I also thought of my Grandpa when we weren't all there.....sitting in the front yard waiting for the dirt to roll up on the old dirt road signaling a visitor or just a passerby. Was he lonely or was he content with the memories of his life?

I also spent a great deal of time trying to imagine the grandmother that I never got to know. My older cousins would talk of her and I sat jealously by listening to their stories wishing I had seen this woman, touched her over worked hand or heard her gentle laugh. My mother spoke of her mother is the most wonderful way and from time to time would break down in tears missing her and wishing that she still had her mama to turn to. Again....I understand this far better than I wish I did. One evening I wrote an amazing story (amazing to me anyway) sitting in that old farm kitchen and trying to imagine that little lady (she was 4'11") bustling about and taking care of her family. The story was about her, seeing only me and her perception of who I turned out to be. At the time I was still in my late teens and had yet to really become anyone....but I knew in her eyes....if she had been there.....I would have been special....just like all her other grand kids.

As I became a young adult....the farm became my refuge. My grandfather died on my 21st birthday, but my dear aunt stayed there keeping the place comfortable and welcoming for all who wished to visit. Often I would just get in the car and drive. In a strange sort of way....even though I had never lived there....it was home to me. The barn was now gone as a tornado had damaged it beyond repair along with many other buildings. Also gone was the bull. I was well aware of the canyon and the road....so I was now free to roam those acres that had once been forbidden to me. I would walk that farm and the pasture knowing that not one spot of ground was foreign to me, for at some point my mother, her siblings, my grandparents and assorted other relatives and trodden every inch of that land. It was a part of me....but what was more....it was a part of all of us. Every Dougherty/Etier that came from the union of Ray and Grace ....it was a part of us, and it was an amazing feeling. It was ours!

Later....Aunt Margaret began to go down hill and she could no longer live on her own. My mom and aunt brought her to Kansas and the farm lay empty. The house though checked on by other local relatives regularly could easily fall prey to anyone who knew the family situation. It was decided that the farm would be sold and the house and its contents auctioned off. When I heard this.....I cried. My husband had no idea why a piece of property could hold such emotion....especially one where I had only visited but never lived. He had no idea that the house and the farm held so much of who I am and where I came from. He didn't understand the bond I had with the house, the land and the memories. It was one of the most overwhelming feelings I had ever had to that point.

The day of the auction....we were all invited. We could bid on anything we wanted. Tim offered to take me, but I couldn't. I hadn't been there since Aunt Margaret was there....and I couldn't go back and see the house empty. I preferred to keep my memories in tact. From what I understand....many of my cousins felt the same.

After the auction....the new owners eventually raised the house (a landmark since the early 1900's) and put a new home on the land. The 160 acres were also a thing of the past as the land had been sold off in parcels. Now....so I am told....it is just a little house on a little piece of land...in the country. In just a short period of time....all signs of the Dougherty place were gone. I have no first hand knowledge of any of this as I have not been back since 1994. I have though talked to my cousins about the farm. Their memories, like mine are a mix of Grandpa standing in the yard and calling the cows, the dinners around the kitchen table, the summer afternoons in the yard and the knowledge that we would always have that farm......until we didn't.

Yes....this place was special to me. It was a part of me and I have unimaginable sorrow that my own children will never know the place. It was a blessing though to have such special times with family and to be so connected with so many to a little 160 acre farm in the red dirt of Oklahoma. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything....and now........you know a little more about me!

Hope you have a wonderful and memorable Wednesday. Happy Wednesday everyone!!!

Dating 101 or How to Find a Man in Lisaland....Need vs. Want

2011-10-04T12:54:00.000-05:00

And so begins another behind day in Lisaland. Actually it began hours ago and I am just now having the time to blog. So this month is filled with a lot of strange emotions for me. For one...my birthday is this month and this is the last year in my forties (go ahead....you do the math). In some ways I feel better than I ever have and in some ways....not so much. My journey this year...and of late (the whole dating thing) has taught me some interesting things and lucky you.....you get to read while I sort out my crazy brain in this blog. Here goes!

I have learned that deciding to date again and "needing" to date again are two vastly different things. There is a whole world out there obsessed with needing someone in order to be whole. I am already whole. I don't need someone to make my world...I simply need someone to compliment it. I have discovered that I am a very strong woman....I don't need to be held up or taken care of. I am very competent (there are a few of you who can shut up right now!). I can pay my own bills and see that my children and myself are taken care of. I can make the easy decisions and the really hard decisions and when life turns upside down (as it tends to from time to time) I am capable of setting things right again. I can look in the mirror and know that the person looking back has proven time and again that she can do it on her own and for the most part....does it quite nicely.

So once you know the difference between deciding to date and needing to date, that makes the whole experience much easier. Since there is no need I can now concentrate fully on the wants. I want a man who is a man. I want a man who wants a real woman and isn't trying to relive his youth with some unattainable and unrealistic version of a twenty something fantasy. I want real. I want hard working, hard playing and hard loving. I want someone who loves my kids not because he has to....but because he wants to. I want someone whose world gets better when I smile and who gives me butterflies whenever I think of him. I want the hand holding and the kissing. I want the laughter and I want someone there who lets me know that just because I can do it all by myself.....doesn't mean I have to.

Yes...I know.....this is some pretty deep thinking for a Tuesday...especially when I am running behind, but it is what it is. So now that I have come to these realizations.....some very definite decisions have formed. With all that I have discovered that I do want....what I don't want or need are dating sites. I simply want nature to take its course. I firmly believe that if it is meant to be....it will be and it won't be when I am running after it. It will happen...as it always does, when I least expect it and from someone that I never saw coming. And honestly isn't life great like that? There is nothing better than the good surprises life affords you when you quit waiting for life to happen and start making it happen yourself.

Never fear....I will still keep you updated on the possibilities.....the thoughts and the self education that I continue to obtain, but I am afraid the dating sites and all that goes with them will no longer have a place in Lisaland. And on that note....I hope your day is bright, wonderful and heading in a positive direction. Happy Tuesday everyone!

I Hang My Head in Shame

2011-10-03T08:52:00.002-05:00

I had six emails and three fb messages asking me where I was yesterday. Thank you folks...it is nice to be missed. I was dealing with another brutal headache yesterday. It was my worst one so far and I could barely look at the computer, let alone type. I just gave it up for the day. Yep...that is right. I missed a day of blogging. It is my first one since the middle of February. I hang my head in shame. Thankfully today I feel a bit better, but still know that little headache sucker is lurking. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and am hoping I can get to the bottom of this. Three weeks is way too much to time to be dealing with this stuff and when it cuts into my blogging.....not just NO....but HELL NO!

This week in My Favorite Recipes....I am sharing recipes from some friends. One is from a friend who I have known for years. She is the epitome of home cooking. Her recipes are highly sought after....and to actually have her make those recipes for you....is to die for. I dearly love my Marni and I love....love...love her recipes. I am sure you are too are going to make Marni's Chicken Enchilada's a family favorite.

The second recipe if from a friend who is very dear to me and whom I had the pleasure of seeing again at Old Settlers this year. She and her husband played a big part in my life when my husband Tim was alive and I don't honestly think anyone has ever made me laugh harder than she does. Along with her skills at making me laugh.....she also is a wonderful cook as her recipe for Robin's Crockpot Cheese Corn will be a testament to.

The final guest recipe (yes I am treating you to three this week) is from a woman whom I have only recently gotten to know through facebook, but who has lived in my small town for many years. She is a busy IV nurse and she spends much of her time traveling but obviously she isn't too shabby in the kitchen as her recipe for Donna's Chili Stew sounds like a winner to me. I had every intention of trying it this weekend, but of course.....we all know how that worked out for me. Donna also has a blog which I would love to read of. If you would like to become a Donna fan....you too can visit her blog and show her some love.

So without further ado....let's get these recipes started.

Marni's Chicken Enchilada

Whole chicken.....boil and pick meat off....(or like me I just use chicken breast)
2 cans of Cream of Chicken soup
1 can of Rotel Tomatoes (this is where you can make it mild or really spicy)
... Shredded Cheddar cheese (as much or as little as you want)
3 cups of rice

Mix the soup, rotel, and pieces of chicken together.......cook the rice

Layer
rice........chicken mixture....cheese.....again

bake 350 for 30 minutes or until heated through. Serve with sour cream.

Robin's Crockpot Cheese Corn

40 oz frozen corn

small can chopped green chilis

lrg jar of cheese whiz w/ jalepenos or mexican velveeta

16 oz container Sour Cream and chive dip..

put all together in crockpot and cook on low for 3 hours or high for 1 hour and a half..

Donna's Chili Stew

2-3 lbs beef stew meet in 1 inch squares
2 Tbsp brown sugar
1 ½ tsp salt
1 ½ tsp ground Mustard
1 tsp paprika
½ tsp chili powder
¼ tsp pepper
1 lg onion- chopped
2 10 oz cans diced tomatoes
& green chilies
1 15 ½ oz can ranch style or
chili beans-undrained
1 15 ¼ oz can whole kernel
corn- drained
Place beef in 3 qt slow cooker. Combine
brown sugar, mustard, salt, paprika,
chili powder and pepper, sprinkle
over beef, toss to coat. Top with
remaining ingredients. Cover and
cook on low for 6-8 hrs or until
the meat is tender.

Well this is some good fall fare if you ask me. If you try these and like them....let me know. I will pass your praise onto the cooks and who knows....maybe they will guest again. And as always....we would love your comments and feel free to send me some of YOUR recipes and who knows...you may be one of our next guest cooks. Also....didn't think to mention this before, but if you send a picture of your dish, that would be truly awesome.

Here is to a wonderful Monday. Happy Monday everyone.

If That Was My Kid........

2011-10-01T18:00:00.000-05:00

Another busy day in Lisaland. I am still working on making myself feel physically better. The headache is gone for the most part, but there are still remnants that keep rearing their ugly head and make me cringe thinking that it is going to be back in full force. So far...it just comes and goes.

Well, I was called on the carpet last week by several who felt that I had "woosed" out of ranting. Apparently to some....my full on ranting is not only appreciated but also looked forward to and when I hold back or don't rant....then there is some kind of cosmic disappointment. So not to disappoint anyone....here is today's rant.

We have all been in a store at some time and heard/seen/and heard some more.....the child who screams incessantly while mom tries to shop. For those without children, you can see the dirty looks given to both child and mom and you can just read the thoughts going through their ever so judgmental minds. "If that was my kid I would........" To them I ask......just WHAT would you do? You have a two year old who decides in the store to suddenly have a melt down because you said "NO!" to soda. You have a weeks worth of groceries to get and you are not relenting on the soda...so what do you do? Do you stop the grocery shopping and completely rearrange your already overfilled busy schedule just so you can take your child away from judgmental eyes? Do you give your child the soda so that they now know anytime they want something in public all they have to do is throw a fit and they will get it? Do you pick your child up right there in the store, spank him in front of everyone so that even more judgmental eyes will be on you and yes.....risk having the cops or SRS called for child abuse, OR.....do you tune your child out knowing that eventually he will tantrum himself out and finish doing what you have to do?

Any parent with kids has experienced a situation such as this and we all know that even the best of kids has a melt down from time to time and they are never in the convenience and privacy of our own home. On the contrary, they are in church just as Father is getting ready to give his sermon and you tell your child he can't jump off the pew, or at the doctors office when your child suddenly realizes where he is at and why, or.....in the grocery store where the shelves are filled with lots of goodies and Mom is saying "No!". It is not enough that we have a child who is turning red in the face, screaming and getting louder by the second, but now....we also have at least one pair of eyes on us letting us know that we are quite possibly the worst parents on the planet because our child chose this moment in their presence to become possessed by the terrible two's.

This last week I saw not one....but two cases of this and in both cases a poor mom was obviously made to feel crappy because of intolerance from what sure seemed like people who had never had kids but felt it was their place to judge those that did. The first incidence happened in one of our local grocery stores. I had run there for lunch to pick up a salad. A young mother had her daughter with her and had turned her back to check something out on the shelf. I watched as the little girl became enthralled with something she could not reach so she decided to try and stand up in the child seat. As she started to do this, I began to walk closer in order to catch the little girl or warn the mom or something. Just as the little girl got to full standing the mom turned around and grabbed her. She scolded the little girl and sat her down. The girl then started reaching for what had originally grabbed her attention....an end rack with a picture of Barbie on it. The mom said "No!" and immediately the little one burst into loud inconsolable tears screaming "Bobbie! Bobbie! I need's Bobbie!" The mother told her to hush but the little girl was having none of it and the tears and screams continued. Another woman, very well dressed was standing close by trying to read the labels on the boxes she was looking at. The young mother also was trying to read labels giving side glances to the child making sure she was no longer trying to stand. Periodically the child would let out a louder than normal scream for "Bobbie!" and then go back to her sobs and heart broken cries. The well dressed woman you could tell was getting very agitated. Another lady also reading labels parked her basket close by and soon the well dressed lady said very loudly and very rudely......"I need to know which of these has more fiber in them but I can't even hear myself think let alone concentrate on what I am reading. I think I will just be telling the manager I will take my business else where if this place is turning into a ghetto Walmart." The young mother never looked up but turned a bright shade of red as her daughter continued to mourn her lack of Barbie. The other lady looked shocked and walked up to the young mother putting her hand on her arm saying....."I've had kids. I've been there." She smiled at the mother and the little girl who immediately stopped crying with the distraction of this stranger talking to her mother. It was now the rude ladies turn to turn red. She looked at me as if to look for an ali in all of this and I just glared at her. She then swung her basket around and hurried off in the other direction. I smiled at the young mother and her now quiet child and walked off......wondering how some people find it so easy to be so rude?

The other incident happened today. I was actually in Walmart. There was a woman with three kids. One was about two, one was little more than a newborn and one was bout five. The two year old of course was having a major melt down. I could hear the child long before I saw the situation. The child was upset because the new baby was in "his" seat. He wanted to be in the part of the basket that the baby was in. It was pretty obvious that there was a little unrest in this family with the new arrival. The poor mom was trying to calm the uncalmable and even the older brother was trying to distract him, but neither was having any luck. The two year old in his tantrum was hitting the baby seat and the mom was trying to adjust it while keeping the tantruming two year old from falling over the edge of the basket. People were stopping and staring and one lady said loudly to the guy she was with, "Why don't these people keep their crying f***ing kids at home?" But with all the stares.....no one lifted a finger to help this poor mom. I pulled my basket up next to her (blocking the rude woman in) and asked the mother if I could help her. She looked apologetic and relieved all at the same time. I reached for the baby seat so that she could quiet the two year old and keep him from toppling forward. Much to my surprise, this mom did yank him out of the cart and swatted his behind right there in front of everyone. Immediately there was silence from everyone including the child. She told him she was going to put him back in the cart and he was going to sit down and behave and that was it. He did as he was told. Mom then took the baby seat from me and readjusted it all the while thanking me for my help. The rude lady watching the whole scene said to the guy...."did you see her hit him?" The guy said, "No...I saw her spank him. There is a big difference. And it worked because now he is quiet. " I turned to the mother and said, "if more parents spanked their kids, I think the world would be a better place." The mom smiled and the lady I had blocked in huffed and shoved my basket so she could get out. Again....what are people thinking?

So I ask those of you who read this. The next time you are in the presence of a child's melt down, first of all....don't just assume it is bad parenting. Kids are kids and even the best parents kids will throw fits from time to time. Second....don't judge. Don't sit there and tell yourself that if it were your kid you would__________, because chances are if it were your kid........you would be doing just exactly what that poor parent is doing. You would be wondering how you could shut the child up short of muzzling him/her and wishing that all those judgmental eyes would stop staring. And finally.....if this child annoys you, walk away. If the parent spanks the child.....don't call it abuse (it is actually called discipline). And if the mother looks like she is going to drop the baby in her arms or the two year old is about to topple head first onto the ground.....it is perfectly okay to step in and help disaster be adverted.

You know it would be great if people remembered that no one is perfect, parenting is tough and sometimes we can all use a little more help and a little less judgment. So there you have it folks.....my rant for the day. Here is hoping that what is left of your Saturday is wonderful and stress free. Happy Saturday everyone.

Motherhood for Dummies.....The Prayer

2011-09-30T10:22:00.001-05:00

I have often stated before that as parents...it is a learn as you go process. There are days that you breeze through, but for everyone of those days, there are ten more that you simply survive. Children are the greatest gift we can ever receive, but they are also a whole lot of work. From the moment we conceive them....until the day we die.....they are work. They are are not just an eighteen years sign-on. They are a lifetime sign-on as once they are ours, we never stop wondering, worrying and for many of us.....praying for the best for them. Never is there a night that goes by that before my head hits pillow....God doesn't hear from me.

All of this really got me to thinking. Back many, many, many, many.....well you get were I am going with this.....years ago, I had a college writing teacher who assigned us to write a prayer. Back then God and prayer were not dirty words even in college, but the assignment I remember was daunting as I was not very good at the whole prayer thing. I think it was probably too much thinking outside the box for me and probably also...not enough life experience to appreciate the power that prayer held. I have no idea where that prayer is, what it even said or what kind of a grade I got on it, but this morning the assignment came back to me. It occurred to me that there needs to be a parenting prayer. Okay..I am sure there are already lots of them out there, but I decided to try my hand at a Lisaland Motherhood version. So here is my assignment....many years over due, but with a whole lot more experience and life to pull from.

Motherhood for Dummies Prayer

Here I lay me down to sleep
I pray my children's souls that You will keep
Please give me strength
for sleepless nights
And give me courage
through teen year fights
Please help me Lord
to ease their pain
And in times of struggle
to not complain.
Please help me remember
my own young days
And know the difference
between truly bad and..... just a phase.
Help me to guide them
and teach them to pray
Let them know faith
and from You never stray
Please give me the strength
to let them stumble and fall
and give me the wisdom
to help them learn from it all
So dear Lord,
patient and kind
Please help me through motherhood
cause I'm flying blind!
Amen

Okay...so it wasn't Eliot or Plath, but I think the Man Upstairs might listen. After all it is from the heart and full of life experience. Here is praying that your Friday is struggle free and full of joy. Happy Friday everyone!!!!

I Do Not Heart Politics

2011-09-29T14:14:00.000-05:00

Today is like or not to like day. I choose not to like. Perhaps it is because I feel really awful. A 36 hour blinding headache will do that for you. Maybe it is also because several people chose to visit my dreams last night that I am not a fan of. They caused issues in my dreams just like they do in my real life....imagine that!

So what do I not like today? I do not like politics. I especially do not like them going into a presidential election year. Politics used to be a way for two separate belief systems to express themselves and for the country to vote in the person they felt best for the job. Now a days though....politics has become a way for us to forget that regardless of our views....we are all still human beings. Democrats/liberals use politics as a way to call those who believe differently racists, religious nuts and elitists. Republicans/conservatives use politics as a way to call those who believe differently liars, unAmerican and socialists. It has become a school yard game of nastiness and hate and in it, we are teaching our young people to do the same.

When politics comes into play, it seems that we forget that people are more than there political beliefs. A friend and I were talking the other day. I told this friend that I have friends that range from the most dyed in the wool liberals to the most conservative of the conservative. When I speak to them or hang around them, my first thoughts about them are not their political affiliations. My thoughts are about who they are, how they have affected my life and how they fit into my world. The friend agreed saying that they didn't even know the political affiliation of most of their friends and didn't care. In the last decade they have been in zero political conversations with these people because they don't see friends as republicans or democrats, but as merely friends.

I make no bones about the fact that I am conservative. I am all that conservatism is about....and more. I am all for small government, lower taxes and the government not giving indefinite hand outs to those who refuse to work. I am pro-life, pro-gun and pro-God. However......I am not against gays in the military or gays marrying. I believe the war should end and our soldiers should be brought home. I believe that those in need should be helped, but should also be taught to help themselves. I believe in free enterprise and free speech. I believe our borders should be closed and illegals should be treated as criminals and not be given more benefits than even our own citizens are. I believe that animals should be protected, but not put above human life. I believe we should produce our own gas and oil and quit relying on the middle east. I believe that charity begins at home and instead of constantly giving other countries hand-outs and aide (natural disasters are not included in this) that we should be helping our own. I believe that government should slash their own paychecks and quit spending. I believe that we should be focusing on spending only that which is necessary and cutting back on or cutting out altogether that which are not an immediate need. I believe that ALL government offices should have term limits and that president should be a term of respect, not a term that we as a people are embarrassed to utter. I stand when the flag goes by, I am proud that my children not only know but still recite the Pledge of Allegiance and I firmly believe that we are all "one nation under God." So does this make me a liberal Republican, a conservative Democrat, a liberal conservative or does it simply make me a human being with my own thoughts and beliefs that yes.....they are part of who I am, but not the sum of all that I am?

I am sure my democrat/liberal friends could jump in here and tear me apart for any number of my beliefs and my republican/conservative friends could do the same. But I would hope that those of you who know me, know that while yes I do live my beliefs and am not afraid to back them up, also know that I don't disrespect those who believe differently than I do. I don't shut others down who respectfully express different opinions than I have and that I am always willing to listen and maybe even learn. That is what makes me not a political ideology......but a human being.

I have many friends with many strong political beliefs. I love you all regardless of where you fall politically. I just ask a favor of you all. This year, when you are standing on your political principals, please ask yourself when you start to throw the political mud 1) is this the time and place 2) am I helping my cause or simply making myself look narrow and ignorant 3) why do they believe the way they do? Could a little respectful education turn them around? 4) if I dive bomb them with my beliefs as if I am the only one who is right.....am I changing the world or their mind or am I just perpetuating what they already believe about me and 5) I am not talking to a lesser species.....I am talking to another human being and they deserve the same respect that I myself desire.

Life is too short to be angry and politics makes people angry. It makes people look at others negatively and tends to classify people in ways that never should be. If you speak out....speak with respect and conviction. If you are sure of where you stand and what you stand for, then you don't need to insult, belittle or bash someone else to prove your point. All you have to do is hold tight to what you know are truths. The rest will take care of itself.

So there you have it. Today's dislike. Now I think I will go back to nursing my headache. Hope you all have a pain free Thursday!

A Bona Fide Miracle

2011-09-28T09:58:00.000-05:00

Normally I am pretty unconcerned with the comments on my blog. I feel like it is everyones right to have a say and I don't believe that everyone likes me or my blog and therefore....I don't feel that everyone has to appease me and make me think they do. However today.....I am asking that anyone who comments, if you comment to please be kind as although today is about me....it is more about my son who deserves nothing but happiness, joy and yes....kind comments. Tomorrow you can feel free to return to your regularly scheduled comments. :)

Today...even though the story is about me.....it was a no brainer, for on this day eleven years ago, I was blessed with an amazing miracle. I was blessed with David. He came into this world fighting and for the better part of five months....he lay between life and death. I had never known that someone could be beyond critical, but that was the state of David's life for what seemed like forever. I have told the story of David many times and if you would like to read it....here it is. Today though, I am going to share with you what David did for me.

Before David was born we were a typical family. We all had separate lives that every once in awhile intersected, but that is how we survived. I took care of the kids, Tim worked and the kids had their lives which whenever possible....did not include the entire family. When I found out I was pregnant, we were all overjoyed as I had months earlier suffered a very early miscarriage that had left me reeling. We were really hoping for a girl this time but when we found out it was to be another boy.....I was secretly relieved, as I had already raised or help raise several boys....so I kinda knew what I was doing. A girl I think might just have terrified my very existence.

This pregnancy was different than the rest. This one wiped me out. My bed and I spent a great deal of quality time together as I would work around the house for half an hour and lay down for an hour. My body felt done in. The upside was my then four year old Z and I got to spend a lot of time together. When Mama laid down, Z was right next to her. I never watched so much Sesame Street and Barnie in my life. The blessing was....it is still a time that both Z and I remember fondly as "our" time.

I was an average mom at the time. I was busy working two jobs and helping Tim cater. I managed to give the kids what they needed, but going above and beyond didn't happen much as there simply wasn't time. I took a lot for granted: kids crawling, walking, running, and eventually being independent. Life went by in such a blurr there was seldom time for me to think about blessings or be very grateful for what I had. I was just trying to get through the days and not fall on my face from exhaustion. Little did I know that my life would soon turn inside out and never.....ever.....be the same again.

When David arrived.....his life and mine were in grave danger, which explained the doctors and nurses standing around laughing and joking with me one minute and frantically getting me ready for surgery the next. Suddenly Tim and Z were being shoved out of my ER room and I was face to face with the head of the neonatal unit and her telling me that "if" my child survived he would be in her care. Twenty-seven weeks was so early and his chances were at the time....about 30%. Little did I know....nor am I sure would I have cared at that moment....but my own chances weren't very good either as I was bleeding internally and my hematacrit was 5 and going down. Poor Tim must have been terrified knowing that he could lose both his wife and son in a matter of minutes. It was something he never would talk about.

After David was born, it seemed like we were living in hell. After being given blood....I was up the next day walking back and forth to the NICU whenever they would let me. This was the first time I had heard the term beyond critical and I was afraid to leave his side. I was in love, terrified, and determined.....all at the same time. I was constantly cautioned that I was overdoing but I didn't care. If I was going to lose him....which I refused to do....I was going to be by his side. For those of you who do not believe in God, the power of prayer or faith.....I challenge you to go through a situation such as this and hold onto those non-beliefs. Because that time, in all of it's hell.....was wrapped in more blessings and miracles than anyone can imagine. It was such a unbelievable time that the neonatoligist a woman of pure science, who made no bones about her atheistic beliefs....told us the day that we walked out of the hospital with him....that David was a bona fide miracle. Her exact words were....."too much went on with this case that was unexplainable and never should have happened. It is obviously that some Higher Power had a hand in your sons life." It was a WOW moment.

In those months waiting for him to turn a corner, waiting for him to breathe on his own, waiting to hear his little voice.....I found my family again. We stopped going in different directions as we were all now headed in one. We were all there for David. We all remembered that God gave us the greatest gift of all.....prayer and we used it to the fullest extent. I learned that my faith waned with exhaustion and fear, but Tim's burned with a fire I didn't know existed. He told me...."you have had all the faith in this relationship so far.....now it is time for me to have the faith for both of us." I saw a father that grew from this experience. No matter how tired he was after he worked his second shift job, he would head to the hospital and spend time with his child. And before he headed to work the next day....he was there again. The love and respect I gained for this man during this time was beyond belief.

My children were also amazing during this time. None felt slighted or jealous that mom and dad had to spend time at the hospital. Man Child stepped up to the plate and watched Z, kept the house clean and spent time at the hospital with me whenever he could. Z would always welcome me home with a hug and kiss and ask me how Baby David was doing. They were so good and I was so blessed.

During those months...... I was shaken to my vary core. I spent so much time on the NICU roller coaster ride. Things could change so quickly from bad to good and good to bad, we never knew what each day would hold. I learned to pray like I never prayed before. I learned that there are somethings in life that you simply have no control over. I learned that I did not pick out my husband....that God had picked him out and that God knew I would need him and no other man during this time in my life. I learned that faith is something that is not optional when you go through something like this, and I learned that God had blessed me with everyone and everything I needed to survive this time in my life.

The first five months of David's life set the stage for everything in his life to come. The fact that he survived the worst has made everything else.....acheiveable. Watching David grow I have learned to appreciate the things in life that I had always taken for granted. The normal milestones have become major accomplishments and I now see life through very different eyes. Davids birth was the beginning of many changes in my life. But David's life brought a strength to my life that I might not have had without him. I can honestly say that David changed my life in so many ways and brought me so many blessings that I never dreamed possible.

So today.....eleven years later.....I would like to wish my little man David, a very happy birthday. Thank you my wonderful son for all that you have brought to my life and all that you continue to bring. The doctor was right....you truly are a bona fide miracle and your mama loves you more than life itself!

Dating 101 or How to Find a Man in Lisaland.....Dating Site Crazy

2011-09-27T09:07:00.001-05:00

Last week was an eye opener to me about the dating world. This is definitely not my mothers dating world. Heck...it isn't even my dating world. It is this strange place in the online world where scary people spend their time lying, trying to "hook up" (not actually date) and feel the need to send complete strangers pictures of their genetiles. Yeah...that is the week I had.

You know I have lived in the town I live in for the better part of 30 years. I have heard over and over that you can't find love where you live. Well, maybe not be at least in this town I know what I am getting. You know the guys that work hard, the ones that work too hard and the ones who don't work at all. You know the bikers, the bullies and the bullsh!tters. You know the ones who are really good and the ones who are really bad. You know the liars, the cheaters and the schemers. You know the sinners and the saints....and yes....my town has them all. But at least here....you know what you are getting. It is a whole new world on dating sites.

I belonged to three (3) dating sites for 9 days 13 hours 25 minutes and 15 seconds.....and then I was done. Now mind you, one of the sites was just an average site, one was the site where supposedly they checked you out right down to your blood type and asked you literally hundreds of questions and one.....was a Christian site. In those 9 days I had the date from hell, I had emails asking me information on my financial status, asking me if I was willing to have sex on the first date, asking me if I was willing to have a threesome with him and another supposed member, asking me if I was into bondage, and one asking me if I would do it with another woman so he could watch. Sadly....this was not even the worst of it. I also received two pictures of two different men's penises (neither of which I would have been putting on display), another picture which Guiness Book of World Records should be notified about, and a full frontal picture of a guy who obviously thought a picture of his nude body was an ice breaker to get to know me. In between all the fun dates, pornographic pictures and inquiring emails......I also got blasted by women from every directions. Apparently dating sites are dog eat dog....and the b!tches (trust me I don't use the word lightly) wanted these dogs for themselves. I got called every name you can imagine. I was told by some women to stay away from certain men (they were already someones property) and I was even propositioned by a woman. I guess the "searching for a man" alluded her. It was a crazy world that this small town girl had no idea she was getting into.

Now I went into this thing fairly open minded and I do realize that these sites are only moderated to a point. If you get an interesting picture or message from someone, much like facebook you can report it, but undoubtedly little is done as two of the pictures were sent from men who had been members for over a year. I seriously doubt I was the first woman on the site who was given a peek at their goods. Perhaps if I was really desperate in finding someone, I would take the time to sift through all the crazies on there to find the ones who aren't. I am sure there are perfectly nice people there....but I don't have the time and after my 9 day stint....I don't have the desire either. The funny thing was......that before I started this whole internet dating thing....I had several people encourage me and tell me of their great experiences. Since though....I have had numerous people tell me of similar experiences as mine. Two people I know were even stalked by would be suitors....one ending in an arrest. In my life....I have my own kind of insane chaos.....I don't need full on crazy to add to the mix.

Needless to say.....internet dating is not my thing. I am not sorry I tried it though. I did learn a lot and it was a good way to move forward in this whole dating thing. And no....I haven't given up on dating. If anything it has made me more determined to find someone who is only Lisaland crazy and not full tilt dating site insane. I am still confident they exist. My next big adventure will be the shooting range. Now more than ever it seems.....I have reason to take out my aggression with a firearm and ammunition. I still am in search of a good support group although my chosen group may have changed. Do they have a support group for those that have been traumatized by dating sites? Just askin'!

So here is hoping that this week is much better than last and that all of you have a truly wonderful Tuesday!

Fall Flavors

2011-09-26T06:08:00.000-05:00

I have high hopes for today and this week. Hopefully it will be good all the way around. It has to be good....after all I am getting a new tile kitchen floor. I can't wait. I am so sick of the peel and stick linoleum floor I am currently treading on. Don't get me wrong....it has served it's purpose admirably, but after 5 years....I am in desperate need of a change. I am also getting some rewiring done so that I can hook up another oven. This is going to make cheesecake baking at the holidays much easier and much more efficient. I will soon be set.

So today is recipe day here in Lisaland. With the onset of fall, I thought I would share two yummy cool weather desserts. I am also going to start something new next week. I am going to start sharing the recipes of my readers, my friends and other bloggers. If you are a blogger, I will share your recipes and a link to your blog. If you are a reader or a friend I will share your recipe and as much or little info about you as you would like. I know everyone is getting tired of just hearing about what I cook and besides......we are almost at the end of my repertoire. So please, email me or message me on fb and give me your recipes and I will be sharing them with the world (okay....the Lisaland world).

I am a very sensory type person and one thing I love in the fall is to smell fall. To me fall smells like apples, peaches, cinnamon and pumpkin. And there is nothing I like better than to propagate those smells with a little homemade (well sort of ) goodness. Fall always reminds me of my mom. Every year late summer and fall we would go to the local orchards and pick several bushel of peaches and apples and then Mom would spend two entire days baking about 50 pies. She would bake them until they were just about 30 min. from being done, then she would cool them, wrap theme in saran wrap and foil and put them in the freezer. Then whenever she needed a pie she would pull one out and bake it for about 30 min. and it tasted like fresh. We used them all year round and she gave them as gifts. It was quite a good idea. The best part though was that for 48 hours....our house smelled like heaven.

While I do not have my mothers culinary ambition, I don't mind making a pie from time to time and I absolutely love cobbler. So today I am going to share with you my favorite apple pie recipe with a store bought crust.....sorry....I don't do crusts and then my favorite peach cobbler recipe with a little help from Bisquick. Yeah....I am not much of a scratch girl.

So my apple pie is one that Tim and I came up with. Of course he always made his own crust but as I said, I am substituting Pillsbury ready made crust or whatever kind of crust you like. So here is:

Tim's Caramel Apple Pie
1* Pillsbury ready made crust (top and bottom)
approx. 8-10 granny smith apples peeled and fairly thinly sliced
1/2- 3/4 cup sugar
1/4-1/2 cup loosely packed brown sugar
1 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1 bottle of ice cream caramel sauce
1Tbsp. butter/margarine melted
2-3tsp. sugar

In a bowl mix sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg together. Then poor the sugar mixture over the apples and thoroughly cover. Let apples sit in sugar for 30 min. to an hour.
Put a bottom crust into a 10" pie plate. Pour apple mixture into the crust. The apples should be piled high inside the crust. Pour the caramel sauce over the apples. (Amount is however much caramel you like). Cover apples with top crust. Crimp edges. Cut slits in top of crust and brush melted butter over top. Sprinkle 2-3 tsp. of sugar over top. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 to 55 min. If edges start getting brown cover with foil or a crust cover. For best cutting let cool an hour, but can be served hot with ice cream and covered with caramel sauce. Fall just doesn't get better than this.

In this recipe, fall is at it's finest when the smell of peaches and nutmeg mingle while this tasty little cobbler is baking. Again....I short cut a bit with Bisquick but the finished result is so good!

Peachy Peach Cobbler

1 cup Original Bisquick baking mix
1 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 cup butter or margarine, melted
1 cup sugar
1 can (29 ounce size) sliced peaches, drained (you can also use about 6-8 fresh peaches...peeled, pitted and sliced) If you use fresh peaches use about 2 cups sugar and let peaches set in sugar for for about 20 minutes so they can get juicy.

Stir together Bisquick, milk and nutmeg in ungreased square baking dish, 8x8x2 inches. Stir in butter until blended. Stir together sugar and peaches; spoon over batter. Bake at 375 degrees for 50 to 60 minutes or until golden. This is delicious served hot with ice cream and whipped cream or at my house we like it hot with a little milk poured on it. However you like your cobbler.....you are guaranteed to love this.

Oh yeah. You gotta love fall. I know I do and just the thought of all that fall holds is putting me in a great mood today. Here is hoping your day is an awesome one! Happy Monday everyone.

Jesus

2011-09-25T15:04:00.000-05:00

A new week. I am very grateful. This last week was full of ups and downs to the point that I didn't know whether I was coming or going. Strange week to say the least. I decided to make some important changes and now I think I am good to go. One thing that kept going through my head this week was....things are so crappy....I must not be praying enough.

Once again Father was psychic or he had a little angel on his shoulder as his sermon hit me squarely today. I always am afraid I don't pray enough. And I am always afraid that when I am extra fervent about my prayers, it is usually when I am in need. My prayers are often a ~~little~~ lot self serving. It makes me feel like much more of a taker than a giver. Father started his sermon with the movie Citizen Kane. All through the movie/story the word Rosebud is mentioned and finally on Kane's death bed....his last words were Rosebud. While I won't spoil the story for anyone who hasn't seen or read it, the bottom line is Rosebud meant something to Kane. In fact it meant so much..... that it is what his last thoughts were about. So Father asked.....what will be our last thought and words be?

I have heard of many and have known a few whose last thoughts and words were Jesus/Lord/God! That is who they were thinking of and hoped to soon be seeing. It was there final thought, final word and final prayer. Father went on to say that just the word Jesus in a respectful thought or tone was a prayer in itself, because to say it....we at some level are thinking of Him. It is where are our heart, our mind and our lips combine to utter His name with reverence. Of course there are those who choose to go another route and utter His name in anger with selected expletives attached to His name, but said in reverence and with respect.....the word Jesus alone is a prayers.

So Father went on to say.....if we think we are too busy to pray, just a simple utterance of His name and we are praying. And he said we should get used to this simple prayer as it maybe all we have time to say in our last moments. The sermon was both educational (to me anyway) and thought provoking. Something so simple as one word, spoken from the heart can be just as effective and important as a whole litany of words simply recited without thought.....or a bunch of words asking for what we think we want....but have no real idea what we need. Jesus....it covers everything. I think I will be praying a whole lot more often now.

My email was full this morning of readers who felt as if I copped out yesterday by not actually writing a blog and resurrecting an old one. To those of you who felt slighted....my apologies. However......even though I am a blogging maniac of sorts.....there are still those days that life seems to spin out of control and the time to do what I want as opposed to the time to do what I need....slips away. I didn't though leave you empty handed and I was told by two people that they didn't even know any blogs of mine existed before 2011. Surprise! If you would ever like to read my older stuff......just click on From Beginning to End and Back Again......... at the top of the page and it will open you up to all my previous blogs.

Well....tis time for me to get some important stuff done. I hope this finds you all happy and healthy and that today starts a wonderful new week for you all. Happy Sunday everyone!

Out of the Vault

2011-09-24T15:25:00.000-05:00

Amazingly....today I am pretty rant free. Maybe it is because I have been pretty much ranting every day this week or maybe it is because I am beyond tire. Imagine that....I am too tired to rant. Who would have thunk it?

Since I am neck high in dirty laundry, dirty dishes and dirty bathrooms I decided today might be a good day to step into the vault and resurrect an old blog that was a rant before I ever "officially" started ranting. So today I give you To Healthy to Insure. I hope you have a wonderful Saturday....and I promise to be back in full rant form next week. Happy Saturday everyone!

Motherhood For Dummies....The Dating Game

2011-09-23T10:03:00.000-05:00

As I was getting ready this morning, I was thinking to myself. You know....no matter how many decades of motherhood you have under your belt nor how many kids you have raised, there will always be things that come up in the world of parenting that you wish you had an instructional manual for. Or...at the very least....a guide book. I have been doing this mother thing for a long time now and once again....I am stuck. My quandary this time? How do you be a mom and date? Yeah....I know, this week in blogs seem to be referencing my dating life (or lack there of) a lot. However, it is a very real and valid issue. Especially in this day and age.

I remember a time....in my life time in fact, that parents having to date and juggle children was almost a non-issue. Divorce was not prevalent and a lot of people chose not to try again after widowhood. Only in more recent decades has multiple marriages and dating with kids become a "thing!" And I must say, my own mother did not set a very good example for me. My parents divorced when I was in the 3rd grade and Mom never dated again. Heck. Mom never had a social life again. She made myself and my brother her entire life and not one move did she make outside our house that we weren't attached at her hip. I have no idea whether it was because she didn't want to go through the hurt of a relationship again or if she felt that she owed it to us kids to give us as "normal" a life as possible. Whatever the case, I didn't get my post break-up dating finesse from my mother.....which maybe explains a little (or a lot).

Now don't get me wrong. I have been a single mom and dated before. Back when it was just Man Child and me, I was very young and I did date then. Much of that was because a) I was very young and b) my mom sent me out the door with the security that she was always available to babysit (because she had no life of her own.) Also, I had my priorities pretty skewed back then. I was too young to realize that Mom was not suppose to be "helping" me raise Man Child. I was suppose to be raising him on my own and quite possibly sacrificing some of life's pleasures such as an active dating and social life. My how times have changed. I am an old single mom now and the rules as well as the life style have apparently changed.

Now......I don't have "help" doing a lot of things, much less raising my kids and making sure I have an active anything! So how do you do this thing? In the last few months....it is has been the first time in 10 years that I felt I might be ready to put myself back out there. My friends I think.....believe I am more ready than I am, but they are right....I should be out there at least making the effort. And since I don't have the luxury of a nanny or a close by grandparent, often my socializing options are limited. This is the very reason I broke down and tried the whole on-line dating thing. So many people seemed to have success with it and the convenience of getting all the preliminary dating garbage out of the way before you actually had to leave your house seemed somewhat appealing. Strangely, my on-line dating experience doesn't seem to emulate anyone elses I have heard of. Mine has been like stepping into some convoluted episode of the Twilight Zone....or perhaps one of the many levels of hell! I am sure I have done something wrong....but at this point, I really don't care. It is not working out at all. However, one question has been asked of me several times by several of those who claim to want a chance with me and that is......Are you always going to put your kids first? Huh??? Really??? And this from guys who say they themselves have kids. I am floored at this question.

Perhaps there is a double standard here. Maybe I am being unfair just because of social norms. It is quite obvious to get the reaction that I do that these guys either only raised their kids part time, or their kids are grown and working around their schedules is no longer an issue. However when I point out that I am first and foremost a primary/only parent and that David does now and most likely will for several years to come need me above an beyond what most kids need, my stock in the dating world seems to plummet. WHY? Or maybe a better question is.....what am I doing wrong....short of abandoning my children so that I can have a social life, what are the rules to this game?

Now I am sure single/divorced/widowed dads have some of the same issues, but since I can't speak for them and only myself, it appears that most men get the better end of the deal in this whole thing. Where kids are concerned...it shouldn't be this difficult. If I were dating a guy with a kid(s) first of all I would be fully aware that a certain amount of flexibility would be necessary to make things work. You never know when a child is going to get sick, hurt or have a melt down which will make all previous plans (no matter how long planned for, how much the non-refundable deposit is, nor how badly you needed out of the house) null and void. Also I know that when you are a single parent....especially if you are a single parent, all sporting events, music recitals and parent teacher conferences take presidence over a social life. And finally I realize that very few dates are going to be just him and I. Many are going to involve him, I and variations of our children. That is just the world of dating with kids. To fight it is futile and if you have a guy with kids who doesn't play by these rules with his own kids.....you know he won't play by them with yours. Simple as that. And sadly....most that I have run into don't.

So again I ask....how does this work? I have kids. My kids are now and always will be my priority. With their dad....it was easy because they were his priority too. Now though....no one but me apparently sees them as a priority. So all things are contingent upon what is going on in their world before I can commit to anything (including a date) in my world. Am I being ridiculous not just dropping my kids with sitters or leaving David with Z all the time so that I can go find me a man? Am I out of line or simply out of my mind thinking that a guy is going to come along who realizes how important raising kids is and understands that even if I wanted to, I couldn't drop everything on a whim and be with him if David is sick or Z had a music event? Why can't there be some guy out there that would say, "I will just head on to your house, pick up some burgers and help you take care of David," or how about "Do you mind if I come with you to Z's concert? I would love to see him perform?" Where is that guy and honestly....does he even exist?

Sigh....this whole motherhood dating thing is tough. Again...instructions would be nice and short of that, advice from someone who has been there and survived to come out on the other side not stark raving mad would be wonderful. More and more to me...this seems like a lose lose proposition. If I don't make my kids a priority just so I can date....that makes me a bad mom and if I do make my kids a priority and insist that my dates do too....or at the very least respect the fact I do.....then that makes me an undesirable date. Where is the happy medium? Oh this dating game is tough one. Too many twists and turns and crazies on the side. I am not sure that this is a game I can win. However...I have not given up yet and we will just have to see what tomorrow brings.

So here is hoping that your life handbook has better instructions than mine. Happy Friday everyone!!!

I Choose to Like

2011-09-22T12:19:00.000-05:00

Thursday? Already? No....really. Why isn't it Friday yet? What a week. So To Like or Not To Like? There was so much about this week that I just really did not like. In fact, if I tried to type it all.....I am pretty sure I would end up with a massive case of carpal tunnel. Bottom line though....nothing horrific happened this week in Lisaland. So in actuality....I have much to be grateful for and I am. I decided then, instead of spouting off about what I have already blogged about daily, that I would choose to like. Maybe I need to focus on something that make me happy and the things that I am just down right grateful for. So enjoy your Thursday as you get to find out.....just what I like today!

I like Sonic Route 44 diet cherry vanilla sprites. The waitress the other day called it "sunshine in a cup," and really that is a pretty accurate description.

I like shoes....especially heels. I like them in all shapes and colors because shoes are just happy apparel.

I dearly love to listen to Z sing and watch him perform. I never knew I could feel such pride or be touched in such a way as to watch my son touch others with his talent.

I can't explain the pure joy I feel when I hear David laugh. Not just laugh, but one of those huge belly laughs that is so contagious that everyone else follows suit. To know where he came from and where he is today.....it is simply one of the best feelings I have ever felt.

I like roses. I actually LOVE roses. I am especially fond of yellow or orange roses. Give me a rose with a combination of both colors....and I am in heaven. The look and the smell just brighten a room.

I like thunderstorms. I like low rolling thunder with flashes of lightening and soft soothing rain. It always touches my soul and makes me smile.

I love spending time with my friends and laughing with them. I have many friends from many different chapters in my life. There is nothing better that spending time with them and just laughing until we cry. It doesn't matter whether it is playing cards, painting a room or going out and having fun. I just love laughing and love love love my friends.

I like ice cream in the winter and chili in the summer. Yeah....I am crazy. Have we not already established that?

I like pigs. No....I LOVE pigs. I love everything from pig stationary to pig cooking utensils. I even like those huge pigs at the zoo (but only at a distance).

I like front porches and front porch swings.

I like rainbows and storm clouds.

I like planning events and working in the community.

I like to dance (even though no one wants to see it) and sing (even though no one wants to hear it.)

Most of all though.....I like to blog and I like/love/adore my readers.

I would say I am just one pretty lucky girl. And I would like it very much if you all.....had a wonderful Thursday!

My Crazy Life....Literally!

2011-09-21T13:30:00.000-05:00

Let me preface any words you read here with the fact that I am exhausted. My eyes as well as my thoughts are a bit bleary, but I am actually too tired to sleep........so I blog. To top it off....Wednesday's are my hard blogging days because I have to come up with something about "me!" Hmmmmm.

Well today in fitting with the night I have had (another story for another day), let me tell you a little about the crazy that is my life. Perhaps I should start by saying that I come from crazy. Yeah....I know that every family has a little crazy in their lives, but mine is special crazy.....because after all....it is mine. The crazy that I am talking about are incidents and episodes throughout my life that stand out as extraordinary, off track and yes.....and actually pretty strange. Honestly there are quite a few.....so I will to do this in parts. Today....here is part one!

As I said....I come from crazy. My mother always had the weirdest things happen to her. When she was young she was very beautiful and a nurse to boot. She was also single and lived with some other nurses in a dorm type area that was basically singles apartments. One day her and her roommates came home to find the police swarming their complex. Apparently the girls who lived next door (three stewardesses) had all been murdered during the day while the rest of the complex was at work. Weird....yes! Stranger yet, two nights later mom was on her way to work to work the night shift. She stopped off for gas just as it was getting dark. Thank goodness for full service at the time as the attendant threw her door open and yanked her out just as some strange guy went darting out the back car door on the other side. The guy likely saved her life. Down right crazy though......was the next week mom and her roommates came home to find their bathroom painted blood red with paint left dripping all over the tub, toilet and sink. Who it was and how they got in was left a mystery but by weeks end, their apartment was without tenants. So are you starting to see the crazy which I speak of?

As a very young child, mom and I were home alone. I was barely walking so I don't remember the happenings of this day....I only remember the story. A man came to our apartment and told Mom he was selling magazines. He had no samples, no paper, no nothing. Mom said she wasn't interested and tried to shut the door. The man stuck his foot in the door and proceeded to try to shove his way in. At just that moment the mailman came around the corner (apparently a big burly guy). Seeing what was going on, he asked the guy his business and the guy said he was trying to sell Mom magazines. The mailman said that he knew that Mom already received plenty of magazines....so he just needed to move along. The man did and the mailman waited until Mom locked up. For over an hour the "salesman" waited across the street just looking at our apartment and smoking cigarettes, until finally he left. That night Mom turned on the TV to watch the news and low and behold who was on it? Our salesman friend! He had murdered a woman a few blocks down in the middle of the afternoon and her husband had come home and caught him. Weird? Oh yeah!

Then we lived in a house in Wichita. The house was completely surrounded by cedar trees and at night could be fairly hidden from the street. One night after my mom and dad had split up, my mom was rocking my little brother in the living room. I was laying on the floor in front of her and all the lights were out. We had a huge widow that peered out to the side of the house. As I lay there watching my mom rock back and forth, suddenly the room was full of light. Someone was shining a huge flashlight in the window. Within a minute or two the doorbell rang. Mom answered through the locked screen. There was a man dressed in dress pants and a collared shirt standing there. He said he was from the WPD and was just checking peoples windows to make sure they were locked. Mom slammed the door on him and called the WPD to see if they had plain clothesed police in the area. They did not. In fact they had no plain clothesed officers anywhere at the time. They sent an actual officer out to investigate. Upon investigation they found diamond rings, watches, and money in money clips in our cedar trees by the window. They belonged to people three blocks over who had been burglarized in the last week. Was the fake officer and the stolen goods connected? We may never know. Weird? A little.

It was in that same house that as a child I was taking a bath in the hallway bathroom. It was only Mom and I and my baby brother there. As I sat there in the tub a black shadow went past the doorway. You could see the shadow on the wall. It stopped and remained motionless but was the definite outline of a person. At first I thought it was Mom, but then I heard her in the kitchen making supper. The shadow went slowly past the door. No person seemed attached to it and I felt really creeped out. Then within seconds it was back and again....it stopped and remained motionless. I knew something was weird and I held my breath. Then the shadow seemed to move forward as if it was coming towards me. I let out a scream that I am sure the neighbors heard. At that moment......the shadow honestly turned to almost a dust and evaporated. Mom came running from the kitchen to find me screaming hysterically in the tub. I told her my story and I am not sure to this day she believed it, but I know what I saw....I just have no idea what I saw!

Creeped out yet? Then there was the time when we moved to New Mexico to live with my aunt. We had gone to a rodeo one evening and it began to storm, so we ended up leaving and coming home early. When we got home, we were welcomed by the front door standing part way open and muddy foot prints going throughout the house. Who? What? How? It is still all a mystery.

Then when we moved back, one night we were at home. We had gone out and came home to our backyard faucet running and water everywhere. Mom figured it was kids and we went in for the night. Then just a little after dark my brother who was about four came flying up the stairs yelling "Ghost....ghost!" Mom was trying to find out what was going on and he kept saying that there was a ghost in the window downstairs. About that time the doorbell rang. Two police officers were at the door saying that the neighbor had called the police saying that earlier they had seen someone on our front porch and that they had just seen someone going around our house. The police insisted on searching the house and searched every nook and cranny. They then questioned my brother about "the ghost." Apparently whoever it was, was outside the window and looking in, wearing a white shirt and smiling at my brother beckoning him to come to the window. Instead my brother ran. Nothing was found but the old familiar creepies were with us all.

Then there was the day that I was held after school because I had not finished my math in the allotted time. Damn that math....it always got me in trouble. So when I left to walk the block and a half to my house.....there was hardly a soul around. It was cold and dreary and winter so the days got dark early. As I was walking a car pulled up next to me with a man wearing a hat. That is all I remember, but he wanted me to get in the car. I immediately knew he was no one I was suppose to get in a car with and I began to run......screaming my lungs off. As I ran he tried to drive his car up onto the sidewalk so I darted into the street to the other side. He then swerved the car to that side as I darted back. Finally my house was within sight and I screamed loud enough my mom could hear. She came flying out the front door and saw the car chasing me. She ran out and grabbed me.....and he gunned his motor and drove off. We later learned that I was one of several kids this had happened to. Same man, same hat and same car. Strangely....he was never caught.

Shall I go on? Naw....not today. I will save the rest of the stories for another crazy day. Have you had a few crazy stories of your own? Have any you want to share? If so......that is what the comments are for. I look forward to hearing your stories too. So ends part one of my crazy life. I bet this is a side of Lisaland that you didn't know existed. Ya skeered yet?

Here is hoping that you have a crazy good Wednesday. Happy Wednesday everyone!

Dating 101 or How to Find a Man in Lisaland......Jumping on Frogs

2011-09-20T11:22:00.000-05:00

Let the games begin! And they have. This week I jumped into the dating world with both feet....and landed squarely.......on a frog! Ewwwwww So last week on facebook I announced to the world that I had been asked out on a date. I had 30+ posts of people telling me to "go for it!" Never being one to back down from a challenge....I did just that. Oy

First a little back ground. He was a "gentleman" and I used the term loosely, that I met on a dating site. He expressed interest right away and appeared to follow my blogs (on the dating site) closely. He continually sent me dating site roses, teddy bears and cups of coffee. How could a girl not swoon over an imaginary rose and cup of coffee? He messaged me constantly telling me about himself and asking very pertinent questions about me. He is 50, owns his own business, not bad looking. He is divorced with two grown kids, loves backyard bbq's, travel and wants to spend forever with that special someone. Although cheesy......the words in the messaging we did sounded right. Anyway, I still wouldn't give him more than my first name and although he gave me his phone number, I refused to give him mine.

He really wanted to go out and asked me about six times before I said yes. Now imagine....this all happened in a weeks period of time. He wanted to wine me and dine me Saturday night where "the possibilities were endless," his words...not mine. I said how about we just start out with coffee or breakfast (I don't take a lunch where I work. ) So he agreed to breakfast yesterday. Low and behold, David spiked a temperature Sunday night and had a mini seizure. Yesterday morning he was still running low grade and not acting right, so David became my #1 priority and Mr. Wonderful went to the back burner. I called him and told him the situation and he acted pretty unfriendly about it all. I apologized and said we could reschedule but he was pretty much a jerk. I said fine, my child's health overrides any extracurricular plans I might have and if you can't live with that then we aren't a good fit anyway. End of conversation. I was absolutely fine with that.

By about 10 a.m. he was messaging me and apologizing for his rudeness. He said that you just never know on dating sites what you are getting into and he just figured I was looking for an out and that is why he was so upset. I could kind of understand it and he asked that if David were better tomorrow (today) if we could try again? I told him I would think about it....which I did. After about five more messages from him, and six more imaginary roses, I said yes. WHAT? I like roses....even imaginary ones. So we decided we would meet this morning. Lord what was I thinking?

We met and he looked just like his picture. He immediately hugged me and tried to kiss me on the lips. I dodged and he got my cheek. Hmmmmmm. Then I sat in the booth and he tried to sit right next to me. PERSONAL SPACE here buddy! Have you never heard of it? I told him I would prefer he sat across from me so I could see his face. He begrudgingly moved. He made that pouty "uh" sound like Z does when I make him do something he doesn't like. Really?

So his first words to me are....."you are so beautiful! Run away with me right now!' Huh? I just looked at him. I tried to divert the conversation and ask him what he did. He then came back with...."It doesn't matter because after today my only job in life is to make you happy!" What???? Was this guy for real? He looked normal enough. In fact he was actually pretty nice looking, but he really needed to stop talking. Still trying to divert....I asked him about his kids. At first he looked like he didn't know what I was talking about, and then he said that they were both grown and had their own lives and that he had really had very little contact with them over the years. When he did though, they were more like really "cool" friends than parent and kids. Really "cool" friends? Dang....the waitress hadn't even taken our order yet and I wanted to leave. Then he came off with so more Rico Suave crap and I started to run out of patience.

You know me and my lack of filter. Finally I couldn't help myself and I said...."this can't be who you really are. Why don't you stop trying to impress me with the fake you and start trying to impress me with the real you." This was as he was reaching across the table to grab my hand and I kept a death grip on my cell phone. I actually think he was going to kiss it! Ick! He looked as if I had slapped him (which I was really thinking about doing). First he tried to play it off as.....this is just who I am. I think I gave him a look that said....yeah right. Then he said, "I thought you wanted a gentleman." I said...."I believe I said....I want real. Not some guy trying to pretend he is some Don Juan." He immediately changed. The bravado was gone and he said okay...."my name is____________. I own my own business. I don't see my kids because the ex turned them against me. I have had three really bad break ups. I think most women are liars, bitches and whores and are gold digging witches. Your profile made you sound different....so I thought I would give you a chance." Hmmmm and all this time I thought I was giving him a chance. At least now he was being honest....I think.

So he asked me if I was going to give him any information about myself such as full name and phone number. I dodged. I asked him if he was a Kansas native. He dodged and then said....."was your son really sick yesterday?" It may have been a valid question....but it pissed me off. Or maybe he was just pissing me off. I said that yes of course he was and told him a little about David and why I was so worried. Then he did it! He said......."don't they have institutions for kids like him? Why isn't he there?" I know the look on my face must have said it all. He tried to back track and said, "well I mean doesn't he tie you down and make it so that you can't have any fun?" He is lucky that my filter chose just that moment to work or maybe I was too angry and dumbfounded to just shoot from the hip. Whatever the case.....when I recovered from the shock of his words I said, "you don't know me and you assumed right off the bat I was lying. You don't know my son and you assume he should be in an institution instead of at home like every other kid. You think that meeting someone for the first time and making a complete ass out of yourself with a bunch of fake bull is endearing and you call women in general liars, bitches and an assorted laundry list of other names and you think any quality woman would want you? Well you are nothing but a jackass and I am leaving." Apparently I was a little loud as the lady sitting on the other side of the glass partition said, "It doesn't sound like they'll be going on a second date!" Was she ever right. I have no idea how he looked or what he thought as I left, all I know was he was definitely not Mr. Right.

As I got in the car....I started laughing. You have to know that if this kind of a first date was going to happen to anyone....it was going to happen to me. That's okay though....what is it they say....you have to kiss a lot of frogs (or in my case jump on a bunch) before your find your prince. Well in this case.....I think I squished a frog and probably left him feeling a little demoralized. Or quite possibly, with the way he was....he just added me to the long list of liars, bitches, whores and gold diggers and is now moving on to his next conquest. Do you really think someone would actually fall for his smooth trash talk? Who knows? All I know is he has now been banished from my dating site possibilities and I think I will take this whole dating strangers think a little more cautiously. At least though...I broke the ice and tried. I am sure it will get easier and I will get wiser, but to all my fb friends who told me to go for it.....I am not speaking to any of you. At least not for a good hour anyway! :)

So here is hoping that your Tuesday has no frogs and no smooth trash talkers. Happy Tuesday everyone!

Taste of Home Favorites

2011-09-19T06:12:00.002-05:00

The weekend turned out well. My house is in ruins, but then again, when is it not? The boys and I did a nice staycation and did some things we don't normally make time to do. I did a great deal of writing this weekend for some different projects and I think I am actually ready for a new week. Today will start some interesting twists and turns and I will keep you posted on my new ventures and how they are going. While today is suppose to be warm and sunny....this weekend was anything but. It got me to feeling really fall like and looking forward to some of my favorite cool weather meals.

One of my all time favorites is a recipe I got years ago from my most favoritist (don't judge me) magazines....Taste of Home. I have cooked from TOH for years and never found a recipe that I didn't like. This particular one came from a section they used to have called Men Who Run the Range. The recipe is called Jim's Potato Soup and it is the best potato soup I have ever eaten. To make it even yummier I put just a touch of sour cream on top, along with some shredded cheese and chopped green onion. It is absolutely the essence of comfort food and perfect for those chilly fall evenings.

The second recipe, also from TOH is a twist on meatloaf. While I love my mom's meatloaf, Lil' Cheddar Loaves are a close second and whenever we want something a little different, I pull this recipe out. The cheese and the tangy sauce that goes on top kick regular meatloaf up quite a few notches. Both recipes are easy and made with ingredients that most of us keep on hand. Yes I know....these recipes aren't overly healthy, but then again....you can't eat healthy all the time.

Jim's Potato Soup
1/3 cup diced celery
1/3 cup diced carrot
1/4 cup diced onion
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 quart milk
2 chicken bouillon cubes
2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon seasoned salt
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
6 medium potatoes, peeled and cooked

In a 3-qt. Dutch oven or kettle, saute celery, carrot and onion in butter until tender. Stir in flour until smooth. Gradually add milk; cook and stir until thickened and bubbly. Add bouillon, parsley, salt, seasoned salt and cayenne. Simmer for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally. Cube half of the potatoes and mash the other half; add all to the soup. Simmer for 20-25 minutes or until heated through. Yield: 8 servings (2 quarts).

Lil' Cheddar Loaves

1 egg
3/4 cup milk
1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese (4oz)
1/2 cup quick-cooking oat
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon rubbed sage (optional)
1 lb lean ground beef
2/3 cup catsup
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons prepared mustard

In a bowl, beat the egg and milk.

Stir in cheese, oats, onion, salt and rubbed sage.

Add beef and mix well.

(It will seem runny at first but will thicken up as you mix.) Shape into 8 equal sized loaves (oval/egg shaped) and place in a greased 9X13X2" baking dish.

Sauce: Combine catsup, brown sugar and mustard.

Spoon over each loaf so they are all covered in the sauce.

Bake uncovered at 350 degrees for 45 minutes or until meat is no longer pink and a meat thermometer reads 160 degrees.

Well, here's my recipes for this week. Hope you like em' and as always, I would love to hear your comments and even see a few recipes from you guys. For now though, I gotta say Happy Monday and I am outta here.

Staycation

2011-09-18T09:31:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a crazy day. Depending on your idea of accomplishment, I either did very little or quite a lot. By days end....it really seemed like very little to me, but I did get some important stuff off my plate. My issue right now is....I am somewhat unmotivated. Blah I have taken on a couple of new projects along with this whole dating thing and I am working to prioritize and get a good working schedule. The good news is, the busier I am, the more I usually accomplish and the better I usually am. Let's hope this continues to hold true.

So on the home front.....the boys and I are currently in the midst of a stay-cation. For those unfamiliar with the term....it became a fashionable way to vacation when the bottom originally fell out of the economy. A stay-cation is usually a mini vacation in your own city or state. We are currently hitting some sites that we don't usually get to see or have never been to in Wichita. Yeah...over 40 years in the Wichita area and there are still a good many things I have not seen and done. Going to try and start changing that. It is all part of one of my new projects. It is a bit soggy today....but I don't see that stopping us at all. It is cool but not the least bit cold and both boys are raring to go. Oh...and I get to learn to work a GPS. This should make for good times had by all.

Since this day is full of busy-ness, I decided to bite the bullet and we all went to Mass at the same time this morning...... and by we-all...... that means I took David too. I have never taken him to the Villa for Mass before just because I didn't want him to be disruptive to those poor elderly people, but today, if we didn't all go together, we weren't all going to get to go. Since it is only a thirty minute Mass and thanks to a bag of Goldfish crackers, he actually did pretty well. This really might be the way for us all to get to go to Mass as a family from here on in. I liked it.

This morning I didn't feel that Fathers sermon was so much directed at me personally as it was a general sermon to all. It was about "why me?" Usually I try not to say "why me?" I try to have a pretty clear understanding of the fact that no one gets through this life without pain, hurt and sadness but that they are all balanced out with joy, love and happiness. We all get our fair share of both and to dwell on the bad, makes you lose time with the good. I know that instead of "why me?" we are suppose to say "why not me?" But I am not quite that good yet, so I say nothing and move on.

Father talked a bit about St. Maximilian Kolbe. His death was a direct result of standing up and taking the place of someone who was scared and afraid when he was chosen for death. He began to cry out "why me?" and because of this, St. Kolbe offered to take the mans place. Because of the time and the place of this situation...and internment camp during World War II, it wasn't fair that any of these people were put to death. It wasn't fair that St. Kolbe had to stand up and give his life so that someone else might be saved, but then again.....life isn't always fair. Perhaps we should remember that it wasn't fair either....that Jesus had to suffer and die a horrible, torturous death so that we could be saved. Nor is it fair that even after making such a sacrifice there are those who still choose to blaspheme Him, disrespect Him and most of all deny Him. I guess what I am trying to say here is......get used to it....life is not always fair in our eyes and God never promised us fair or easy in this life.....only in the next. Words I will try to remember the next time I have a bit of a pity-me moment.

This upcoming week looks to be fairly promising. There are some exciting things on the horizon and I am looking forward to both having fun and being productive in the days to come. Z is feeling much better after being started on meds. We finally got to the root of his issues. After being poked and prodded and drained of large amounts of blood, the verdict is that he does not have an auto-immune disease nor does he have hepatitis. He does however have some thyroid issues which we are going to an endocrinologist to get these under control and he has abdominal migraines. Until Z....I had never heard of such a thing. Migraines yes....but abdominal migraines....no. The scoop is.....they usually occur in kids who a) have a parent who has had migraines or b) who has been through a great amount of stress (i.e. family, bullying, etc.) Ding...ding...ding! Z is lucky enough to have both. I have suffered with migraines since I was very young and we all know that Z's life has been nothing but stress since he was 5 years old. Apparently head migraines start in the head and as they progress cause nausea and stomach pain. Abdominal migraines though start in the stomach with pain and nausea and then move to the head. The end result for both is severe headache, nausea.....sometimes vomiting and sometimes low grade fevers. They have put him on meds that he gradually has to increase over time until he has a therapeutic level in his system but after about three days he started feeling better. Also....they still have no clue why he tested positive for mono not once but twice, once at the ER and once in the doctors office but his Epstein Barr shows he never had mono at all. I guess he is just a medical mystery....but as long as he is feeling better, I am okay with that.

So today I am good. We are ready to complete our stay-cation, we have been to church and I have a new GPS to play with. I am looking forward to a great day. Hope yours is great too. Happy Sunday everyone!

And a side note....yesterday I was so busy with me, I forgot to mention that it was the birthday of a very special lady. Yesterday was Ruth Poteete's birthday and this was the first year she got to spend it in heaven. Ruth I thought of you often yesterday....as I do many days and I have no doubt that your day was truly blessed. Happy Birthday dear lady. You are greatly missed!

Harshing Your Mellow

2011-09-17T11:44:00.001-05:00

It's good old rant day. I am sure there are many rants boiling up inside of me, but today I feel a bit mellow. It is true fall outside. It is cool and rainy and ever so often you can hear that glorious rolling thunder. I honestly think that today I am too......dare I say......at peace to get too bent out of shape over anything. Not too worry though, I still have a few unresolved issues that I will cover here.

Although I am not very rantish today.....here are the things that have and do piss me off on a regular basis. I am sure next week I will be back to my old gritchy self and be ready to elaborate on one or more of these. But until then.....just know that these are what reside in the mind of ME and keep me in need of hair color, aspirin and antacids. So here are my rants:

T-Mobile: Once you were so good, now you just make me want to throw the phone each time I talk to a representative. And don't even get me started on my bill.

T-Mobile phones: Granted, this looks like it should fall under the T-Mobile rant, but trust me.....the phone issues I have are a rant all to themselves. With my newest phone, no one can hear me when I answer my dang phone. A little frustrating if someone is calling me with an emergency! Grrrrrr

Dillons Grocery (part of the national Kroger chain): I love to get your salads at lunch. In fact...some days that is the best part of my day. Obviously others feel the same. So explain to me why at lunch time you only have one or two checkout lanes open to support both large quantity shoppers and the lunch time crowd? It would be nice to actually be able to buy my lunch and eat it....in my hour allotted time.

Dating sites: Who monitors these things? Does anyone monitor these things? Those of faint heart or just easily intimidated or embarrassed would be running for the hills before they even were fully accepted on the site. Luckily I am none of the above.....but the sites still piss me off.

Men on dating sites: Again....this should fall under the dating sites umbrella....but again....this is an entity all it's own. Some of these guys are stupid scary. Judgmental? Not if it is true. Some of these guys go out of their way to put their worst foot forward. Others, refuse to put either foot forward, and others just tell the most transparent lies I have ever heard. While interacting with these guys is interesting (and by interesting I mean......in most cases scary), I think it is good practice for the real world, but I have my doubts that Mr. Right is hiding anywhere amongst the profiles I have come up against.

Lawn Mowers: Yes....I have three and not a one works. Now it has been implied to me that it could be user error, but I simply refuse to believe this. I blame it fully and solely on the fact that lawn mowers in all forms are evil and they have but one desire in this lifetime: to make me have to pay to have my lawn mowed. I hate lawn mowers.

Certain agencies who are suppose to be advocates for kids with special needs: I am sorry but unless you are willing to get off your ever widening back side and carry through on what you claim you can and will do, you are worthless. Also, giving false information just so you don't have to fill out paperwork is also unacceptable. However....being able to terminate your services and turn you into your superiors while you are on vacation......tremendously satisfying.

People who lie and make false claims in order to get a product free from me: Without too much elaboration, I put out a product. I put out a good product which reflects me and I have only had one complaint on it. It has been from the same person over and over again.....and yet amazingly they still come back. Also amazingly the (apparently unsatisfactory) product is never returned to me and from what I understand is consumed right along with the free one I replace it with. Hmmmm, sound a little fishy to you? It does to me too. Am I being taken advantage of? Oh I think so, but no more. No free replacement unless proof of unsatisfactory product. This should stop the game playing! Again.....grrrrrrrrr

And finally.....reality TV: I know I have touched on this before.....but I have to say....REALLY? Granted, we could all turn off our TV's and walk away, but we won't and our kids are growing up on this stuff. In what reality should the likes of Snooki and the other crazies in the cast of Jersey Shore be stars? And not only are they stars, but kids emulate these people. Here in Kansas....YES Kansas.....I have seen overly fake tanned girls with the Snooki poof and foul mouth. I have seen little white Kansas boys again overly fake tanned trying to look like Guido juice heads from Jersey. WHY? If they are anything at all like their show depicts, there is not a full brain between this entire group of 20 somethings and their life is nothing more than being outrageous and shocking the public to keep their name in lights. Is this really what we have come to as a country? When they talk about the dumbing down of America.....they just have to be talking Jersey Shore.

Okay....so there you have it. It is my non-rant Rant....where I actually ranted just a little about a lot. Hmmmmmm So here is hoping that you are enjoying your Saturday as much as I am and I certainly hope that I didn't harsh your mellow! Happy Saturday everyone!

Motherhood for Dummies....The 16 Rule

2011-09-16T06:49:00.000-05:00

It has been a week for oh so many reasons. I am tired and I am so completely happy that it is Friday. So in today's blog.....I am actually asking for input. Usually I don't second guess myself much. Okay....to rephrase.....usually I don't second guess myself to other people much, but right now I am.

Last night, talking to an acquaintance....I was call old fashioned and told my ideas on childhood relationships were antiquated. Granted....these were some of the nicer things I have been called this week, but these hit a nerve with me. The reason for the comments? A conversation on when is a good age to let your kids start dating. When I was growing up....the rule in my house was 16. My mother was firm on that rule as I was grounded for a lengthy amount of time when I got caught kissing a boy in my basement at 15. Yeah...THAT was a memorable first kiss. I was allowed to go out in groups, have kids to my house in groups, but I was not allowed to actually go on a one on one date until the magical age of 16. I remember even back then this being a source of contention between my mother and I as I don't believe any of my friends were made to follow this rule. Back then it seemed unfair, but as I have grown older I have seen the wisdom in such a rule.

My children too have grown up with the 16 rule. Even Man Child had to wait until he was 16....not that it really mattered. He never had the money to take anyone out anyway. Now we have Z. Z is 15 and he has had a couple of serious (serious for a 15 year old) girlfriends. Yeah...I broke my rule, but with the breaking came some stiff rules about where they could go, who they could go with and strict adherence to curfews. The first time I watched my baby walk out the door with a girl (and an older one at that) I felt like a failure as a mom. I felt as if I had broken some supreme rule and let generations before me down. Did I do it right?

I still think the 16 rule is a good one. Goodness knows that even at 16 for the most part....today's kids still have a long way to go in maturity, but if you press too hard, they will rebel. I did and when I did it was not just a little....but I went wild. As a parent I now get the fact that parents (especially single parents) feel so protective of their kids and once those kids walk out that door, we are powerless to ensure their safety. We can arm them with a cell phone, pepper spray and body armor and they can still be vulnerable to some kind of danger. That is why we have to do our jobs as parents inside our homes.....so that when they walk outside our home.....they are not only physically prepared, but also mentally. Knowledge is power.

But back to the 16 rule. As I was discussing these very thoughts with my acquaintance I was laughed at as old fashioned. I was told that NOBODY followed such a rule anymore and that kids were far more mature in today's society thanks to TV, sex ed classes and the internet than they ever were when I was a kid. When I asked what age they felt a kid should start dating, 12 or 13 was thrown out there. WHAT???? I thought they were kidding! They were not. I was floored. That is still a baby by my standards. Okay....maybe not a baby, but way too young to be on a one on one date alone. When I was 12 I think I still thought boys had cooties. I know darn good and well dating them hadn't crossed my mind at that time. What the heck is happening to our kids innocence? Why are we allowing them to grow up so fast? Am I really old fashioned and antiquated or is this just part of the break down of the family unit in today's society?

Okay....Z has been out on some dates and so far so good. Soon he will be 16 and although he still seems so young to me, I feel and hope that he has a good head on his shoulders and he is as prepared as I can make him.....short of riding along in the back seat of the car. However....I am still second guessing myself. Did I let Z start too early? So here are my questions for anyone who cares to chime in. Is 16 an antiquated age to start dating? What age is too young? Should boys be given a different age than girls? If so....why the double standard? Do shows like Teen Mom and The Secret Life of the American Teenager dissuade kids from growing up too fast or do they actually promote the glamor of it? Who truly thinks a 12 or 13 year old is mentally or emotionally mature enough to date? All answers are welcome. It is probably too late for me to back track at this stage, but you never know who will be reading the blog. Your answers may actually help someone else.

Okay....so do good mom's second guess themselves? Probably not, but EPIC mom's discuss their kids dating life in a blog. Z just rolls his eyes and moves on. He is used to life with mom the blogger. lol

Here is hoping that your Friday is just as EPIC as I am. Happy Friday all!

I Heart Blogging

2011-09-15T10:36:00.001-05:00

So it is a true fall morning here in Lisaland. We are apparently out of summer now and my only hope is we actually have a fall and don't dive into a cold winter like we did with our "hot" summer. Anyway...since it is a beautiful cool morning, you may want to snuggle back with your cup of coffee and blankie and enjoy reading my To Like or Not to Like. Or like most of my readers....open my blog tab and then sneak peaks at it before the boss catches you. Yeah....that's how I roll too!

Okay, so again a Like. Today may look like gratuitous self-promotion....which it is, but it is also about what I love above all else (other than God and my kids). What might you ask would that be? Why BLOGGING of course! If you know me at all, and by now like it or not...most of you do, you know that I don't just like blogging....I LOVE blogging. There are not enough heart emoticons on the planet to express how much I love blogging. Since I decided at the beginning of the year to make a goal of consistency and stick with it....this is the only thing I have been able to stay consistent with. Maybe because I can take blogging anywhere, do it anytime (yes....my boss loves the dedicated employee I am *snicker) and my mind is always thinking of new blogs..... is why it just fits so well into my life. Blogging is also probably the only reason I haven't become homicidal or pulled all my hair out this year. It is a wonderful way to self medicate and better yet....share those self-medicating issues with the world.

Something some of you may not know is, this isn't my only blog. I actually have two more tucked away and gathering dust. Today I am pulling them out of the cobwebs, dusting them off and re-introducing them to the world. Neither of them are every day blogs and likely never will be. Both of them are less about "everyday" life and more about a specific subject. The first one I would like to introduce to you is: Life With the Incredible Mr. David. This blog is all about my youngest son who is special needs. As you can see...it goes dormant for long periods of time because when I do write in it....it is usually very emotional and difficult for me. I am usually inclined to blog there when health issues are rearing their ugly heads and I am feeling lost and alone in a world that I am still trying to find my way through. Now that this is back out and dusted off....perhaps I will start writing more about the world of special needs and my little guy who seems to break most stereo types and continues to raise the ceiling on his capabilities. I would be thrilled if you took the time to read this blog and even more thrilled if you decided to follow it. I promise to keep it better updated and you too can know the joy that is my David.

Okay...switching to the other end of the spectrum is my other blog. This has been jokingly referred to as my bitch blog, as that is what it seems like I always do. This blog TMI (Too Much Information About Weight Watchers, My Life and Me!) was a little blog I started when I decided to get serious (sort of) about my health. I learned quickly that unless I was accountable to someone....I would never make it. So I decided to be accountable to the blog world. This takes you on the journey of my weight loss, lack of weight loss, bad habits, learning good habits and saying good bye to old friends like Ranch dressing and Dt. Mt. Dew. (Side note....Dt. Mt. Dew and I are seeing each other again...but only casually!) This blog while touching on serious subjects is very tongue and cheek and is meant to share with people that are going through similar life changes and let them know that they are not alone and that there is humor in everything. Again....reading and following would make my day.....and I know you are ALL about making my day. This is a blog that I REALLY need to get back to and hope to make a start on that immediately.

So here you have it. My likes for this week. Apparently what this boils down to is.....I LIKE me. I hope you do too. Have a beautiful fall Thursday. Happy Thursday everyone!

Road Rage Anyone?

2011-09-14T06:09:00.000-05:00

Wednesday already? Can it really be? Wednesday's are always difficult for me to come up with things to blog about, so I went to the one who probably knows me best and has some fairly decent stories on me....Z. I bet you thought I was going to say Thiry. Ohhhhh noooooo! Thiry is bound by a confidentiality contract. She could tell you things....but then I'd have to kill her. So Z was my go to guy. I asked him....what is something I could tell about myself. Without missing a beat he said "road rage." Huh? I feigned innocence but I knew what he was talking about. He said...."tell about your massive road rage." Hmmmm....massive eh? Well he has a point.

Okay....while I do cuss some, I try to keep it to a minimum and where the stronger words seem to have creeped out the older I have gotten, I really try to watch it. However, put me behind the wheel of a car....and all bets are off. I seem to become this deranged psychopath with a strong affinity for the F bomb. I think this is why Z keeps headphones in and David starts pointing at the DVD player the minute we get in the van. They know that the first time someone cuts me off, drives too slow or tailgates me....the gloves are off and the mouth goes into full throttle.

I have no idea where this comes from but since the day I got my first license....this has been my life. My parents absolutely refused to ride with me when I was younger and my friends will NOT let me drive them anywhere. Although come to think about it....it may not be my road rage them keeps them from letting me drive. Hmmmmm.......But I digress. Honestly....I have tried to stop the rage, especially when I get behind someone who is 108 years old going 20 mph in the fast lane in rush hour traffic. I try to tell myself to shut up and remember that someday I too will be 108 going 20 and be cursed at like a sailor. But then as I pass him he only moves from his hunched over position and removes his two o'clock hand....long enough to flip me off with his 108 year old finger and I am pissed all over again. TRUE STORY! That actually happened about a month ago. I was so shocked I almost drove off the shoulder. So apparently road rage has no age limits. Good to know!

It really is bad though and when we are on trips and I get lost (which I always get lost on trips) Lord help everyone in the car with me and anyone with their window down. When we got lost in BFE while traveling to MO in June, the curves were so tight and the speed limit was 25mph. I was already a bundle of nerves knowing that if we wrecked we would likely go over the edge and be eaten by gators. (There are gators in MO....right?) Then some idiot, probably a local, got on my bumper and road it for miles. He wanted to pass but there was no room for me to scoot over and the curves were one after another with no way to see far enough ahead to pass. At times it didn't seem like you could have gotten a piece of paper between our bumpers and all the while...the inside of my car was turning blue. A couple of times the words that flew from my mouth even I needed to look up. Z was blushing before all was said and done and David had his hands over his ears. It was not one of my finer moments and the guy whose panties were in a wad trying to pass me......had the nerve to flip me off as he finally passed. What is with these people? I believe that 15 mph is a perfectly respectable speed when you are scared and on curves like that. Obviously Mr. Pedal to the Metal did not agree.

So why do I have such road rage? I have no idea. Tim and I rarely used to fight....but when I drove... he and I went at it. He had his own brand of road rage, but he was a novice compared to me. Whenever we would go somewhere....the kids would always beg for Dad to drive, because when Mom drove....she would get mad and then her and dad would get into a fight and she always ended up flipping someone off. Tim used to say that I was the sweetest girl God ever put on this planet, until I got behind the wheel and then I became just pure evil! I would have been really mad at him had this not been true. I really think I just become possessed. Z hates having his friends in the car....although I do my best to bite my tongue and not open my mouth when anyone else is in the car, but even then.......sometimes it just can't be helped.

Someone asked me one time what I would do if in one of my little road tantrums someone stopped and confronted me right then and there. At the time I was asked this....I probably would have shut my mouth and likely apologized. Now a days though, with my filter being broke and all....I would probably just get myself shot.

I really do have some respectable qualities....qualities that I wouldn't mind passing onto my children, however my demeanor behind the wheel of the car is not one of those qualities. I was scared to death the whole time Z was in drivers ed. I just knew that I had passed on my driving dis-etiquette to him. I was holding my breath waiting for THAT phone call. Luckily, at least for now....this particular quality seems to have missed a generation. Let's hope it stays that way.

So now you know the truth. I have an evil side. Like you probably didn't already suspect as much. bwhahahahaha Here is hoping that you have a wonderful Wednesday. Happy Wednesday everyone!

Dating 101 or How to Find a Man in Lisaland.....No Fat Chicks!

2011-09-13T09:40:00.000-05:00

And so begins another foray into the fascinating love life of....ME! Wow! Don't I wish! Actually...I am listening folks...I really am and I am not just sitting back doing nothing. Well, I am kind of sitting back, but I am not doing nothing. This weekend I said what the_________ (you fill in the blank) and decided to do something I was whole heartedly against. Drum roll please..........I joined a dating website. Okay....I actually joined two. They are both free and within five minutes going into this thing I was frantically wondering what I had gotten myself into. What is this cyber dating world and why do so many people lie??????

First I decided that if I was going to do this, I was going to be completely honest and completely me. This may not have been my best idea. Completely me appears to be too much for some. The fact is though, if I am going to find someone.....I want them to be right for me! The real me! Not the me I pretend to be to get a man! Besides....pretending takes too much energy and I am a bad liar at this stage of the game. I would forget what lie I told and get caught and it wouldn't be pretty at all.

My first thirty minutes in, I was inundated with new suitors. Some appeared okay....some were iffy and some you just knew where not real. I did sit back and browse and look over future prospects carefully. Then one of the sites had me start answering "match" questions. Good Lord....300 questions in....I stopped. They say the more you answer, the better chance of finding true compatibility. At 300 I was still only about 85% compatible with anyone....and I didn't want to answer anymore questions. For goodness sake, they were asking math questions. MATH! If I have to know math to find a man then I will be freaking single for the rest of my life!

I did after awhile start learning the lingo and the "real" meaning behind some of the match categories though. If there is no picture it means: 1) I hate the way I look or 2) I am running from the law. On body types, fit can mean: 1) I am so in love with my muscles that there may not be room in my life for you or 2) you can use my ribs as a musical instrument. A few extra pounds can mean: 1) I drink beer and it shows or 2) I have to pay for two seats on a plane. When they say self-employed it can mean: 1) My job is living off the government i.e. welfare (most of these guys work harder at not having a job than they ever would actually going to work) or 2) I just invented the newest gadget on the market and am just waiting for it to take off. When they don't put income in, it usually means 1) I make nothing and I want you to support me or 2) I make a lot and I don't want to support you. So you see, you have to read between the lines on these profiles and sometimes it is scary.

Here is the kicker though and why I may actually get kicked off my first ever dating site. Yesterday I pissed a lot of people off. You know we have discussed in the past that I have no filter on my mouth anymore. I tend to speak or in this case type, before I actually think how it will sound. Yesterday was one of those times when I should have maybe thought first since I had only actually been a member of the site for about two days and some of those on there had been there literally years. In my defense, some things just need to be addressed and discriminating to me in any form is not acceptable. Okay...maybe I really have no defense, but here's how it went down. So I was going through reading profiles trying to get a feel for the guys who are out there. All of a sudden I found one, then another and then another where right in their profile they say "NO FAT CHICKS!" Really???? These guys were nothing to brag about themselves and one guy was even large, but they put that in their profile? WTF! This could not go unaddressed. Even if I were a size 2 I would find this offensive and steer far away from them. This is just crap. So...it just happens that this particular site has a blog and believe me....I made real good use of it. Here is my blog from me .....to them. (There is a bad word or two involved....so please be aware!)

NO FAT CHICKS.....How about NO SMALL D*CKS?

You know what I keep seeing from these 40+ guys? "No Fat Chicks!" Followed up by...."No offense I just like a nice trim body!" The hell you say. Well I like a real man. Not a judgmental, narcissistic ass. And have you seen most of these guys? They are shooting for the moon...believe me. They want a hot bod as arm candy. Forget that she could be the knife wielding loon who rips to shreds his clothes or stalks him for the next 6 months when things go south. And trust me....they will go south if all he is basing his match on is looks.
Nope...we don't want the down to earth, caring "fat" girl. We want a great big dose of great looking crazy.

There also seems to be a lot of 40+ guys looking at girls 18-30. I have to laugh. Guys, there is probably one of several reasons those girls would date you. One....too make her daddy crazy. Two....to use your money to go out with her "real" boyfriend. Three....to get your house, your car and the clothes off your back in the divorce settlement, and four.....because she has daddy issues and you are old enough to be her daddy.

At the 40+ stage of the game....shouldn't we be a little more into realistic and a little less into fantasy? Perhaps I need to redo my profile and maybe it should read: "No small dicks." At least with an overweight woman, what you see is what you get. A guy with a small dick...well sometimes that catches you by surprise a little later in the game. Or maybe it should say: "No men with hairy backs." Mow that thing once in awhile. How about "no men with macho idiot mustaches?" Yeah...I want to kiss you and know what you had for lunch. Oh I know...."no bald men." If I can't run my fingers through it...then you must be defective in some way.

I think I have made my point here. The fat chick maybe a work in progress and the woman of your dreams...but you will never know because you put boundaries based on nothing but looks. That could totally be your loss man.

My profile reads: "I want Mr. Real." Mr. Real could have a few extra pounds, could be bald, hairy and sporting a mustache. He could be short, tall or have a limp. Whoever he is though..."he will be real."

I sport a few extra pounds and am in the process of shedding them. I look good though. Perfect? No...but for my age, I look good. Six months from now I will look even better, but on the inside I will be just the same: caring, loving, a bit sarcastic and one hell of a catch. Sadly though, some of you with boundary issues will never know that. And you know what....I am good with that. Are you?

Okay....needless to say I was barraged by a lot of hate mail. Funny though, most were from young men....30 and under. Most of the older guys loved it and of course....you know all the women loved it. But boy, those younger guys were angry. I was told everything from I just needed laid to I just needed to leave that I was being judgmental. Really? Me judgmental? I didn't put boundaries on who I would allow my heart to love. So....here is where it stands. I have made the effort. I have even talked to a couple of guys. No one has me hearing love songs yet, but at least I am no longer just talking about doing something I am now actually being proactive. And no....I really make no apologies for my little blog outburst yesterday, because you all know that that is just who I am and I want someone who accepts me just that way.

Here's hoping that your Tuesday is as sunny as mine. Happy Tuesday everyone!

Easy and Quick I Got You Covered

2011-09-12T06:02:00.000-05:00

It's Monday again. Wow...it seems like it was just Friday. Where did the weekend go? This weekend was the source of some new adventures for me. Not sure what I think yet. Will let you know soon though. Think Z maybe on the way to recovery. Most of his test came back and after going to both the Infectious Disease doctor and the neurologist on Friday, they think that they have come to a diagnosis. We have to wait until the last of his blood work is in, so we are still waiting. I am so tired of waiting.

I apparently caused a stir in this weeks Rant on my blog. I don't know whether they think I am too political or not political enough. Along with all the comments on the blog, I got at least half as many more in both my email and fb messaging. I hit some nerves and many did not agree with me. I think those that did agree did not understand why I tolerated remarks from those that didn't. It is called free speech and as long as the comments stay within certain limits.....they are welcome. You don't have to like what I say or agree with it in the least. However, you must respect my right to say it. That.....and if you find me too offensive....you don't have to read my blog. This is a concept that a few do not seem to grasp. My blog is NOT mandatory reading for anyone. It kind of makes me laugh.

So today we are onto My Favorite Recipes. Amazingly you all really seem to like Monday's around here. Have I ever let you all in on the secret..... that I am really not that great of a cook? Truth be told the recipes I use as standards are pretty much fail proof. My culinary skills are average at best. The real cook in the house is Z and one of these days I will invite him to be a guest blogger and share his delicacies.

Today's recipes are once again easy and fairly quick. Both can be prepared ahead and served later. The first is one that I came up with but it closely follows most pasta salads. I call it simply....My Perfect Pasta Salad. It is made with tri-color pasta and as an added convenience bottled Italian Dressing. I always like to make it the night before I plan to serve it so that it's flavors have nicely blended. My kids are crazy though and love it as soon as it is put together while the pasta is still warm. It makes a great side dish for any meal, especially those summer bbq favorites. It is also a great dish to take to family reunions, church dinners or pot lucks. It is just one yummy salad.

The next recipe is another concoction that I put together after reading several different recipes. It is my Easy Cluck-n-Rice casserole. Cute name...right? This is another comfort food dish that is wonderful and easy on a cool fall night. It can be put together the night before and then baked when you are ready to use or baked the night before and reheated the next day. Either way it is great and it makes for great lunch leftovers the following day. Whether you are looking for the perfect side or an incredible main dish....I got you covered this week.

My Perfect Pasta Salad
1 box or small bag of tri-color spiral pasta cooked and drained according to directions
1 bottle of you favorite brand Italian Salad Dressing
I med red onion diced
1 med. cucumber peeled and chunked
1 med. tomato chunked
1 small can black olives drained
1 TBSP Parmesan cheese

In a large serving/mixing bowl add pasta, onion, cucumber, tomato, and black olives. Mix. Then add 3/4 of the bottle of Italian dressing. Mix until all ingredients are completely covered with dressing. Cover tightly and refrigerate over night. Before serving add the rest of the Italian Dressing to re-moisten salad and then sprinkle the top with Parmesan Cheese and serve. Goes great with bbq, roast or any meat main dish meal. Just don't plan on any leftovers.

Cluck-n-Rice Casserole
3 cups rice white or brown cooked according to directions
1 med. can mushrooms drained
1 sm. chicken boiled and meat removed from bone and shredded or diced (can also use canned or frozen diced chicken)
2 cans cream of chicken soup
1 small package of frozen chopped broccoli
1/4 cup of milk
Season Salt
Pepper
Panco bread crumbs
Margarine or Butter
1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese

In a large bowl, combine rice and chicken. To that add the soup and milk. Mix thoroughly. Add mushrooms and broccoli and mix. Add Season Salt and pepper to taste. Move to a large casserole dish and sprinkle the top with the Panco bread crumbs (plain crushed potato chips work too). Dot the top with margarine or butter. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 min. Remove from oven and cover top with cheddar cheese. Bake another 15 min. or until the cheese is melted and bubbly. This dish is hearty and filling and needs only a veggie/salad and biscuits or rolls to make a complete meal. This seems to be a family favorite whenever I give out the recipe.

Well....it is time to get out there and start another week. Here is hoping that your Monday seems more like a Wednesday and that your week is full of wonderful things. Happy Monday everyone.

Forgiveness

2011-09-11T10:38:00.000-05:00

It is Sunday, but not just any Sunday. Today is the 10th Anniversary of 9/11. It was one of the most tragic days in the history of our country and I still remember it like it was yesterday. There was shock, disbelief and it literally took me a while to understand what was going on. I had just lost my husband a little over two months before. My mother had just had a lung removed and we were at of all places.....a nail salon. Mom was still in fragile stages of after surgery recovery.....but her nails were her focus. I sat in the car with my five (5) year old and my eight (8) month old listening to the radio. As they broke into my station with a Special Report....I listened as they said they had word that a plane had just hit one of the twin towers of the World Trade Center. It was surreal and unbelievable. I remember wondering how a plane could go so off course. Within minutes they reported yet another plane hitting the other tower. It was slowly sinking in that this was no off course plane and no accident. This was deliberate. I pulled my children close to me in that van and just listened. The disc jokey on my station was coming on between reports. He sounded shocked, bewildered and little scared.....all feelings I was feeling. All feelings our country was feeling. We were listening/watching something that we were helpless to stop. There was nothing we could do......but pray.

Shortly my fragile little mom came walking from the salon. Her face was more ashen than usual and her eyes were red with tears. As she got in the car she said, "Do you know what they have done to us? Did you hear?" The they was anyone with the audacity to strike this country in that way and us was our country. She had been watching the whole thing on the the salon TV inside and she looked as I felt.....devastated. We just sat there in the parking lot, looking at the kids, looking at each other and neither of us knowing how to proceed. The reports kept coming in of the destruction. The towers were burning and starting to collapse. People were everywhere. The first responders were there but at this point....there was little that could be done. The damage was deliberately executed and our country was watching as terrorists had hit their marks.

As the day progressed and we learned of the Pentagon and victim numbers started to come in, for the first time in my adult life....I felt terror. I came from the end of the error where we still did air raid drills and my mom cautioned us about the Communists, bombings and the many and vast threats to our country. As I grew though....we were in peace time and those threats seem to fade. Communism became a word of the 1950's and 60's and bombings were things that happened in far off middle eastern countries that we just read about in books or heard about on the TV. Fear of terrorism would not revisit my life until the 90's when Timothy McVey decided to bomb the
Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building. Even then though....although shocking, that was a home grown terrorist. He was someone angry with his own country. Why this made it easier or less fearful I am not sure, but to me it did. On 9/11 though....it was as if all those early childhood fears I had of bombs being dropped and bad men (Communists) taking me from my family came flooding back. It felt as if there was no where to hide.

I know that everyone has their own memories of that day....and ten (10) years later, those fears are still very real. We know that as a country.....we have many enemies and there are plots right and left to destroy us. Thoughts of "just how safe are we?" and "not if but when it happens again....will we be prepared?" often fill my mind and my heart. I feel great anger for those that took away my safety and my security and even more anger to those in my very country who don't feel the need for tighter security, tighter borders and a restriction on illegals and those with visa's into this country. I guess you could say that after 9/11 I turned into a very angry American.

Jump ahead to today and I am in Mass this morning. I arrived to find that my beloved Fr. Mike was not saying Mass today. Today.....we had the honor of the Bishop. I have been to many of his Masses and I love them. He is direct, too the point and he usually gives a good measure of humor to go along with the serious side of things. This morning he was not humorous. This morning he talked of forgiveness. He said that Jesus said we must forgive not just seven (7) times but 77 times. Meaning we must continue to forgive. Why? Because we can not ask of God for ourselves what we refuse to give others. Forgiveness. It sounds so simple.....but for many of us....it is one of the hardest things to do. Especially if we feel that it is not deserved, not warranted or not really appreciated. Over the years I have had several cases where I have found it really difficult to forgive. In this last year though....I have been able to let go of most of those issues...yes, forgive....and then move on. Currently, there is only one person that I am still keeping outside the forgiveness circle and with this person, it is not so much about forgiveness, for I believe I have forgiven......I just can't forget and allow the same thing to happen yet again. This whole forgiveness thing is a work in progress for me.

Now let us take it to a much larger scale. How do we forgive those who hate us as a country? How do we be Christlike and forgive those who don't even know us but would like to see us all tortured and killed? How do we forgive people with that much hate in their hearts? Can that be forgiven? I am so afraid if forgiveness is the test to obtain heaven.....I just might fail. I don't know how to forgive a faceless sect who wish my children dead, my family dead, my friends dead and my country dead. I don't know how to forgive those who spit in the face of my God and blaspheme his name, and try to take Him out of our schools, our Pledge of Allegiance, and ultimately out of our country. I don't know how to forgive those who seem to be hell bent on leaving my children and grand children with debt they can never come out from under and leaving so many of my family and friends jobless and in some cases.....ultimately homeless. How do I forgive politicians who lie, steal and cheat those who put their faith and trust in them? How do I forgive the disrespect of human life from the unborn clear up to the aged? How do I forgive destruction, waste and hate? Is it even possible? And then I remember the Bishops words this morning. We must forgive to be forgiven and God forgives all.....no matter what the sin, issue or crime. No matter how big or how small. All we have to do is ask.....and it is forgiven. Can my heart be that open? Can I be that kind? If I were a betting person.....I would say the odds are against it, but it is looking like I must try.

So I ask....if I forgive am I saying that I accept? And isn't acceptance of the unacceptable wrong? So perhaps there is a line here that I am not seeing. Maybe the fact is....there is a difference between forgiveness and acceptance. I guess you can forgive someones actions without allowing them the opportunity to do it again. Right? I am so spiritually confused this morning. Of course...where forgiveness is concerned....I have always been like a pit bull on crack. I have trouble letting go and moving on. But I do know that a lack of forgiveness can lead to hate and hate is the most soul killing of emotions. So I guess I best get to finding some ways to forgive. Damn!

Well....here is wishing you all a wonderful Sunday and hoping that while we each in our hearts may find our own ways to forgive, let us hope that we never forget this day, the survivors, the ones lost and all those who came to help. May God bless them all!