A couple of weeks ago, on a Sunday, I made a facebook post that started something like...."So...I was sitting in church and I was thinking about...." The post went on to discuss an issue in our local community and some ideas I had about the issue. It was true. I had been sitting in church and while I was there, that is apparently where God was directing both my mind and my heart. I thought little about it all, until the following week when several times I had people mention my facebook post and then follow it up by saying with a laugh...."Now we know what you are thinking about in church."
You might be surprised where my mind goes as I sit in the quiet of the church and just hand my soul, heart and mind over to God. It is as if he un-clutters my cluttered brain and leaves room for perhaps what He thinks is important and what He thinks I should be focused on. Well, this morning I went a little early. I have really been needing a
As I sat there asking for help and guidance as I always do, I also asked for strength. If you listen to those around me, you would think I was strong enough to lift a MAC truck. I got my assumed "strength" card the moment I became the mother of a special needs child. Suddenly the whole world seemed to think that because I was given the gift of David, that somehow I became this strong and capable woman. That could not have been further from the truth and honestly, in the beginning when people would say that to me, I hated it. I was neither strong nor capable and every time someone said that to me, I felt like a complete and utter fraud. In my brain, far from strong and capable, I felt like someone who had been given a child that came with no manual, who had special needs and I had no idea at the time what the extent of those "special needs" might be or what I needed to do to keep him happy, healthy or even alive for that matter. Add to that the fact that he was not a text book case of anything, I had doctors that refused to put a ceiling on his abilities (bless them for that) and I had a mom that was truly in denial about the extent of his disabilities and far from strong and capable, I was simply a mixed up mess.
Time moved on though and I listened, learned and made a million mistakes and eventually we found our new normal. Yes....we went through the development of seizures which were terrifying, ER visits, hospital stays, weird health issues that even the doctors were stumped by and shunt malfunctions. We had surgeries and near death experiences....but somehow we came out of it each time....dare I say stronger? Perhaps more educated and more capable.
People would still come up to me with apparent admiration and again tell me how wonderfully strong they thought I was. By this time, I no longer felt like such a fraud, but the whole "strong" thing still made me cringe. It was as if they thought I was some amazing person doing some amazing things, when all I was really doing was living my life and taking one day and one crisis at a time. So now when people would applaud my strength, I had learned to simply say, "I am living my life just like everyone else. You do what you have to do to survive."
Now a days, David is almost 18 and he and I have his life pretty much down to a science. Truth be told, he is the easiest part of my life now and I always jokingly say, "David is the least special needs of the family." I say it jokingly but it is not a joke. There are large stretches of time when David just lives his life, happy and out loud and he gives me no need for worry or stress. The worst thing for me where David is concerned is lifting him. It is very hard on my back, but that is not his fault and we deal.
Looking at life right now, just because David's health is good and life where he is concerned is pretty much a cake walk, doesn't mean that there aren't other things in my world that bring me to my knees on a daily basis. Pretty much this whole year has given me many times where I have wondered if I was going to make it through this thing or the next. There have been many occasions where I would almost be afraid to open my eyes in the morning, afraid of what fresh hell was going to be thrust upon me....and yet through it all this year and currently, I still stand.
Much of my life currently and the situations that compel me to yank my hair out by the roots or worry me into high blood pressure and an entire carton of Chunky Monkey aren't too public. I hold them close to my heart and pray constantly that I can find a way daily to make it through without losing my mind. That being said, the other day I was talking to someone about David and once again, someone "complimented" me on just how strong I was. It was this compliment that came to the forefront of my brain at church this morning.
I went over all the things that I was currently going through and how many times I had literally begged God to make me as strong as people actually thought I was. Yes, of course I could always use the physical strength to lift David's 92 lb body from place to place, but more than that, I have been begging for both mental and emotional strength. I wanted the strength that would make plow through each day, regardless of what it brought me, even if at times I was simply doing it only one second at a time. I wanted the strength that regardless of how crappy, worried or insane the day or people in my world were making me, that I could still find it in myself to smile and help others without bringing them down to my emotionally fragile level. And most of all, I wanted the strength to still be the mom David deserved and not just the mom he got and that I could continue to make a difference in the world and live God's will day to day. After all, I was pretty darn sure after doing it "my way" all these years with little to no success, His way had to be a heck of a lot better.
I believe it was at that moment that something occurred to me. I am strong! No, I am not bragging or putting myself above anyone else, I am simply recognizing for the first time, one of my own God given qualities. It also occurred to me that the next time someone says to me, "You are so strong. I admire your strength." Instead of feeling the need to give a wordy response, all I need to do is simply say...."Thank you."
Yes, once again this morning, in the quiet of God's house, He brought me where I needed to be and helped me to recognize that this one prayer that I have been asking for help with over and over had in fact already been answered. It just took me sitting there silently and listening, to hear and understand what God wanted me to hear. "You are strong." I am strong.
And so now.....you too know what goes on...on a Sunday morning....sitting in church....inside my head. As I said, Church Pew Confessions of an un-Cluttered Mind. Happy Sunday you all!
