AAUGH!

Those of us of a certain age undoubtedly remember the cartoonist Charles Schultz and his beloved though bedraggled cartoon character Charlie Brown. Try as poor Charlie might, he was always thwarted by fellow character Lucy, every time he tried to kick the football, landing flat on his backside always exclaiming...."Aaugh!" Still though, it never stopped him from getting up, dusting himself off and trying again. Hope always sprang eternal with old Charles and so far in this new year, 2024, I feel as if I have stepped into his ever hopeful shoes, as I lie here for the umpteenth time flat on my derriere. 

To say that this year has given me a run for my money would be an understatement. I feel as if God has said, "Now we are really going to see what you are made of." Honestly, He really didn't need to test me. He could have just asked and I would have simply told Him. Mush! I am made of mush! There is no consistency, no flavor, no nothing. Apparently though, He wants me to dig a little deeper. Aauh!

Since the stroke of midnight that brought in this new year, I have seen the inside of not one but two different ER's, two different hospitals, learned my son had osteomyelitis, learned he might possibly lose his leg, have gone through three surgeries with David, had to watch him be in extreme pain, learn all about wound vacs, sweat through the placement of a PICC line, learn to give IV meds through a PICC line, become a 24/7 nurse, find myself in pain that I had not experienced since childbirth, find out that I had a perforated colon and that I was damn near septic, do my own stint in the hospital, and then as a follow up act, come down with a viral infection that dropped me to my knees. Every time I was up, I landed squarely right back on my backside. Aaugh!!!!!!!

There is much that I contemplated about writing today. Aside from the joy ride of the last paragraph, there are other more personal and even emotionally painful things that have gone on that have left me emotionally raw and in moments, devastated. A part of me wanted to just lay all of that out right here and right now, but honestly, the story is still unfolding, and more over, I don't even have the words to process or make sense of any of it currently. Let's just leave it at, I am seeing people through different eyes, and I am standing back, to allow God to work so I don't try and step on his toes. Aaugh!!!

In the midst of all of this, I have asked God to let me know what He wanted from me. Apparently there are lessons aplenty. 

Sometimes, I have found over the years, that with David, I forget he is special needs, i.e. more fragile than the average human. When he is doing well (which is more often than not) life is normal. I don't spend a lot of time stressing or worrying about him. However, when his fragility rears its ugly head, it is never in a small inconspicuous way. No, it is always big, grandiose, and very unexpected. This abscess, resulting in the infection, which resulted in his osteomyelitis is one of these fragile moments. Of course the whole thing caught me off guard and gave me stress and worry that will remain with me for awhile to come, but in the midst of it all, some very important lessons were brought home too. 

The first and most important lesson in all of this was how much David means to me (and to so many others.) He is not your average kid and because of this, no matter how good my efforts have been in the past to keep him well, healthy and safe, now that he is an adult and his body and system are changing, I have to double down on those efforts, pay closer attention and educate myself whenever possible. 

The second lesson I have learned is the power of David. Oh, I have seen it a million times but in the last couple of months it has been awe inspiring. David carries a power of joy within him. Even in his worst moments, there is a light that touches others. When he was in the hospital this time, because he is now considered medically an adult, he was on adult floors. The first floor he was on was the cancer floor until they needed the bed, and then he was transferred to the Neuro/Trauma floor. As you can imagine, neither floor exuded much joy.....until David showed up. On both floors, the nurses loved him and as he felt better, his joyous sounds and laughter seemed to penetrate through any darkness that existed. Even nurses who didn't have him on their shift would come in to visit and get a shot of the joy David oh so willingly shared. In fact, the nurse supervisor of the Neuro/Trauma unit said that if he ever had to be hospitalized again, to ask that he be admitted to their unit. They needed the joy. 

This same joy has touched his home healthcare nurses that come out to see him weekly, as well as the staff at the infectious medicine doctors office and the wound care clinic. As he goes through the doors clapping and laughing on arrival, the front desk people are always happy to see him and of course know him by name. Amidst the severely sick and wounded, David is a breath of fresh air that staff and other patients as well seem to enjoy and appreciate. 

It occurred to me the other day, that if each of us just gave half the effort to love life the way David does, and to share that love the way he does, this world would be such an amazing place. As it is though, it is David's super power and nobody does it better than him. However, maybe this episode was God's reminder to me, not just to appreciate the amazingness that is David, but to also take a page from his book and up my game where it comes to joy, love and the sharing of both. 

Lesson understood. 

Possibly one of the biggest lessons I have learned throughout all of this is about me. I have spent the better part of the last 20+ years feeling that it was my responsibility to take care of everyone and everything, solicited or unsolicited. After awhile, I got so good at it (is good really the word?) that kids, adults, and even the dogs just let me do it. At some point in time, everyone in my world quit fully taking care of themselves, and allowed me to take over. Sadly though, with great power comes great consequences. The obvious enabling aside, I have worn my mind and body down to dust and are those I "helped" really any the better for it? 

When you are so busy planning, directing, and implementing everyone elses life and needs, there is little time left for things like eating right, sleeping, giving myself time to heal when I'm sick, or even getting to know who I am at this stage of my life. Well, hold on to your hats because I got to come face to face with who I currently am and she ain't pretty. I am a woman who has a hole in her colon and needs a colonoscopy (don't think that doesn't terrify me in light of my brother) and has the back of a 90 year old. I have learned that just because I paint an "S" on my chest, it doesn't mean that I am superwoman, in fact I have no idea who I am. I also realized that I no longer want to be in control of anything but myself, and maybe when necessary David. It also occurred to me that anything my adult children are going to learn from me, chances are, they already have (bad habits/traits and all), it is time they go out and start implementing them and stop allowing me to guide their course. I am done accepting the credit for the fails. It's time they put on their big kid pants and find their own way. 

I also became very aware that to want, need or expect help from others in most situations is a master class in futility. Everyone has their own lives and regardless of where you "think" you fit in others lives, the cold hard truth is that you are born alone, you die alone, and everything in between you usually find yourself doing alone. This is not a complaint, but more a realization that I seem to have to relearn over and over throughout my life. The fact is, most times, I am good alone. I am used to alone and I am pretty darn proficient at alone. It is only when others start acting as if I need help or tell me they are going to help (and in a moment of weakness I buy into it), that I start getting the need/want thing twisted. 

This is not to say that I don't have people around who care about us and who aren't willing to help if the need is crucial, but the bottom line is, my life, my needs, etc, don't trump everyone elses needs, families and lives. No one should drop everything they have going on at the drop of a hat for me. I think the sore point though comes when at times, the ugly frustration pops up when I realize that with those closest to me, I often give till I have nothing left to give, but when my need is there, they have nothing to give straight out of the shoot. That is when I have to slap myself into perspective and remember that what I gave, I gave freely without strings or conditions. Just because I gave doesn't mean that I am owed anything from anyone. I made my choice to give and they make their choices too. That is simply life and life ain't always fair. Aaugh! 

My body is in fact very much need of rest and healing right now. My mind is anxious and I need some peace just all the way around. This point was driven home to me this last weekend. 

Last summer, I bought tickets to go see the musical Wicked in OKC for Willow and Zach and I. It was a combined birthday gift for both Willow and Zach. This last Saturday was the date. Of course the Monday before I ended up in the hospital with the perforated diverticulitis. I was in until Wednesday and sweated every second wondering if I would make it to OKC. By Wednesday when I was released, in true ME fashion, I came home gangbusters, getting out of the hospital and immediately cleaning and cooking before my overnight bag even hit the floor. I spent the next two days cleaning and assuming that I was all healed, not once thinking about what my body might be going through trying to recover from such an infections. On top of this, my grandson was not sick sick, but obviously he wasn't 100% and he was sticking to me like glue, sitting in my lap every chance he got. I think for this particular virus, he was patient zero. 

Saturday morning, the big day, I woke up coughing. FOR REAL????? Nope. I had too much invested in this day. I was going even if it killed me. By the time we got home, I thought it might. I will never regret the trip, the musical or the time I got to spend with two people I lover dearly, but by the time the play was over and we were headed to the car, I nearly cried thinking about the two and a half hour car ride home. My head hurt, my body hurt, I was coughing so hard it caused me pain, and I literally wanted to crawl into the fetal position and pass out. I ended up back in the ER with a 103 temp. It was only then that I realized I really was an idiot and that I might have caused more damage to myself by pushing so hard to do it all. Luckily (if you can call it luck), I had done no extra diverticulitis damage. Instead I had dehydrated myself to dust, and I had a viral infection that my already weak body was having a heck of a time fighting off. I could literally feel both the doctor and the nurses eyes roll to the backs of their heads as I told them of the stupidity of my week. Aaugh!!!!

So here I sit. I am still fighting this nasty viral beast, but I think I am getting better. I do find myself concerned about the upcoming colonoscopy and its results, but for the moment my colon has to heal enough to even do the colonoscopy, so it is just a waiting game. All prayers appreciated. 

David is healing so well that the wound vac is off and we are in the last stages of his wounds healing. Soon it will just be ticking the clock down until he is off his antibiotics and then this particular chapter of 2024 will be closed. Thank God. 

As for the rest, I think sometimes God whispers to us what He wants us to know and the direction He wants us to go, but when we (ME) are too busy jumping in and out of our own lane, trying to control the whole world and everyone in it, and listening to our own wants and desires, I simply don't hear Him. That is when He hits me upside the head LOUDLY, and I have no choice but to listen.....and learn. I think that is what these last two months have been about. 

Yes God! I am listening. Aaugh!

 Until next time.......

Toxic Family Traits

I believe I have mentioned before that although I post a great deal about David, there is much that goes on in my world that I never speak socially about. I say this here and now for two reasons. Right now there is a lot going on in my world and it is giving me B-I-G feelings and emotions, because of this, I may find myself blogging more. Yes, it is my therapy. 

The second reason I mention this is because when you live in a home with numerous people, sometimes there can't help but be drama and even trauma. It at times makes me crazy, frustrated and down right cranky, but if I pay attention, sometimes I learn things. Sometimes it is about others, sometimes it is about myself and sometimes it is a combination of the two. The last few days have been the latter. 

Now let me introduce you to myself. Well actually, lets go further back and let me introduce you to my mother. My mother was an amazing woman, but she was not a saint. Like all of us human beings, she had her quirks and issues. One thing though is that my mom didn't have the time or patience for anything that she considered inactivity or nonsense. Translated that means, if you were laying around looking lazy, you needed to get up and do something. Nothing was solved by doing nothing. And nonsense was anything that wasn't productive and/or healing which could be anything from a breakup with a boyfriend to simply being in a bad mood and having a bad day. If she or I fought, then we immediately had to get to the bottom of the problem and fix it then and there, even if it took all night. If there was a problem, then it had to be discussed, put into perspective as to how much of a problem it was and then fixed so we could move on. 

I never really thought much about any of this growing up and never did I think about the fact that I was given no time to process a situation. All I knew was that there was no time in my moms world for nonsense, and pretty much, everything was nonsense. 

My mom conducted her own life the same way. The only time I remember her not sprinting through one of her own problems was when she fell and broke her leg, ankle and foot and she was afraid she would never walk again. Even then though, she only allowed herself two weeks of a pity party and then she immediately put her situation and her leg into perspective, and then was on her way to fixing it. Within a few short months, she was up and walking and doing what the doctors feared she never might. So this is how I was raised and honestly, I knew no other way. 

Looking back on my mom now, I think this way of dealing with life was the only way she could survive. She was a single mom raising two kids. She was always busy and always dealing with something and my dad always let her know that if anything happened on her watch, it was her problem. I think she was under tremendous pressure and thus, she had no time for laziness or nonsense. 

I guess it only makes sense that some of this transferred to me and how I deal with things. I know that I have always tried to be a fixer in relationships and in life, so if there was a problem I was determined to fix it. How do I fix things? With words of course. Lots of words. Even with my friends when I was young, if there was a problem, I was either on the phone trying to talk it out, or I was penning a note baring my soul and trying to get to the bottom of the issue. My husband was much the same way which at times resulted in some long talks and late nights. 

With my kids, whenever there was a problem, just like my mom, I always wanted to get to the bottom of it immediately. I gave no time for decompression or thought. I would instantly be trying to find out the who, what, where and why of it all, and to "fix" things. Sometimes they would talk, but for the most part, I just unwittingly made the problem worse as they were both the kind of humans who needed time for thought and process and sometimes, just to be mad. I truly didn't understand the mind set of holding onto the negative any longer than necessary and that would frustrate me. I am sure, looking back that many fights we had could have been resolved much sooner or avoided altogether if I had simply not needed to fix things. 

Having 20/20 hindsight now, I am sure that my need to fix everyone and everything around me, resulted from what I saw and learned from my mom and was later exacerbated by the death of my husband. I couldn't fix his loss, so I went into overdrive trying to fix (and maybe control) everything else (including the feelings and emotions of my kids). 

It wasn't until my son became an addict and I went to Al-Anon, that I saw the negativity for both my kids and myself that trying to fix everything was causing. I was standing in the way of any true healing that they themselves could do by trying to force immediate conversation and not allowing them to feel, process and heal in their own way. Once this all sunk in, for a long while I was able to focus on myself and the things that needed fixing in my own world, and leave the rest of the world alone, It was downright peaceful for awhile. 

Over the last couple of years though, my need to fix has reared its ugly head again. I will say it is nowhere near where it once was, but it is bursting through the surface again, and let me just say, it is still not as helpful as I think it will be in my mind. Why am I doing this again? My guess is that there has been a great deal of stress and the catalyst I believe was others drawing me into their issues and looking for me to fix them. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with other adults, in most cases, those adults hold their own fixes for their situations. Often the answers and fixes aren't easy or pleasant so they draw others in looking for faster, less difficult fixes, which almost never work out and I end up getting the blame. Sadly though, "fixing" and words to do so by, are like crack to me. It doesn't take much and I can jump into another's issue just by hearing the simple words, "What do I do? How can I fix this?" And in the last couple of days, I didn't even need to hear the words. I simply jumped in. 

Let's face it. None of us is perfect. We all have our flaws and less than stellar traits, but trust me when I say, nothing can shine a blindingly bright light on those traits quicker than your own child. After three attempts at "fixing" in the last couple of days, my fixing was thrown right back in my face, only guess what? In his vision of his not so saintly mother, he didn't consider what I was doing as trying to fix anything. He considered it bullying, pushing and not allowing him to process or if necessary, not even think about the situation. 

WHAT? You have a problem and you don't think it into the ground and then fix it?! Apparently that is the case with a lot of people, especially of the male species. He then ended it with the real zinger. He informed me that part of his issue was that he pushed too and he bullied "to fix things" with issues in his own life and it was a terrible trait. He said he was just like me and it was my fault he was because that was the way I had raised him. WHOA! 

What do you say when their words sting clear to your core and yet you know that there is a lot of truth in what he says. I did raise him like that, because I was raised like that. I envisioned myself as a "helper" for a good many years, but the fact was, my help was at times, anything but. In fact, perhaps this particular trait of fixing that I had forced down their throats was more toxic than anything. OUCH!

This has made me step back and reevaluate a bit. Just like when I first realized this in Al-Anon years back, his words brought me right back to the realization that I can't fix anyone but me and everyone is in charge of their own problems. I have to let them figure things out for themselves. Oh and it also dawned on me that I might need to hit a meeting every now and again. 

So the point of all of this? I know that I am not alone. I know there are lots of us brought up a certain way, that proceed in life the way we were taught, only to find out that what was our norm, is viewed as someone elses toxic family trait. It is a kick in the pants to realize it, but actually in this case, as I have processed it today, it has actually taken some pressure off me. In this moment, I no longer feel that because they live in my house, that it means I have to step in and fix things. Their problems are theirs and if I stay focused on me (and David of course), maybe their problems will be fixed by them in a much quicker and healing fashion. Whatever the case though, we all have problems and finding our own solutions and fixes is what makes us stronger and grow as human beings. And maybe, my son has found his own realization in his own behaviors and will not repeat this toxic trait with his own kids. We can only hope. 

Until next time...........

Conversation

I have this friend that I have known most of my life. In some ways, she and I are as different as day and night and in others, we are connected at the soul. Our lives have had many parallels from our early penchant for finding trouble, to finding ourselves pregnant within months of each other more than once, to suffering loss on a large scale. Maybe it's because of this that she and I can have long philosophical conversations and really listen to each other when others (even those who love us dearly) may find both us and the conversations on the quirky side or even downright crazy. It's okay though, because we both know what we know and believe what we believe, and neither of us is asking for anyone else's opinion or approval. 

After having a lengthy conversation with her yesterday, the first in a long while, I kept thinking about our conversations over the years. As our lives have grown and changed, so has the content of what we talk about. When we were young, it was boys and parties and yes, a lot of mischief. Later it was spouses, kids, jobs, school, and all that these things entailed. Now, at this season of our lives, we still talk about our kids and now our grandkids, but we also talk about our losses and how they affect us. We talk about God, what is out there after we are gone, and all the things in the universe that we don't know and more importantly, don't understand and simply cannot wrap our heads around. These are conversations we have never had before because we had no reason to. We were young and invincible and so were our families.....until they weren't. 

It is a simple fact that the longer you live, the more you will feel loss as those around you leave this earth. I myself have been losing people that affected my life since I was 12 years old and I simply don't have enough hands to count the losses on my fingers anymore. With those losses, it seems that some hit us differently than others. It is not a comparison in the depth of our love for them, but perhaps there are those that we simply are connected to differently. Maybe our souls are more intertwined with some than we realized, and their loss takes us to emotional places we never dreamed possible. 

Both my friend and I have incurred some very painful loss in the last few years and hers has taken her on a journey of incomprehensible pain. It has also changed her and maybe even woken her up to how big and mysterious the world is. In trying to understand her loss, it has opened her up to thoughts, possibilities, and even beliefs that she had never really entertained in the past. From my vantage point, I have also seen that with loss, she grew closer to the one she lost and she has come to know that person (her child) far better than she even did in life. This in itself is painful and beautiful and it has brought her to a place where she now sees the world much differently. Thus fodder for many of our conversations over the last couple of years. Because of this, she has opened me up to realizations that I had never really thought of before. 

Prior to her loss, my friend questioned or maybe simply didn't fully believe anything spiritual, and honestly, like the rest of us, she was too busy surviving in this world to really pay much attention to really experiencing it. Now though, she is acutely aware of all the things we humans tend to miss on a daily basis. There is such beauty we don't see because of the blinders we wear. There is also so much we fill our lives with that really means nothing in the big scheme of things. I think one day the most profound thing she said to me was, "Lisa, the only thing that matters in this world is love." Now as long as I have known this girl, she has never once before prophisized about love, and yet, I know she now believes this to her core. 

Due to the mother who raised me and my upbringing, I have always had a firm foundation of God, faith, and my own spirituality though at times it may struggle a bit, it is usually fairly on point and has gotten me through more trenches than I would like to remember. Through the years I have told my friend my beliefs and where I stood and while she never discarded my beliefs, she also never saw things as I did. We were good with feeling differently, but it also sometimes limits the conversation when you know the conversation can only go so far and you seem more like a preacher than a friend. Now though, our conversations can actually be endless. 

Together, we have discussed God, heaven, religion, spirituality, and all the things out there that we can't even fathom. Yesterday we even talked about extraterrestrials. We were talking about Area 51, the incident at the Florida Mall, and the possibilities that if these things could be real, what that might mean in the big scheme of things. She said she felt funny talking about this stuff to others as people look at you sideways and some even find it a slap in the face to God. It kind of shocked me as my mother's words came to mind. My mother had her own legit experiences with the ET world and she told me one time that we were pretty egotistical to believe that just because God created us and "our world" that there wasn't more out there that He also created. After all, He is God and perhaps this world is all He felt the need to share with us. Like any parent, maybe He didn't feel the need to make us privy to all His creations, only the ones that He felt necessary we know about....at least for the time being. Honestly, it made sense to me. After sharing it with my friend, it made sense to her too. 

Other conversations we have had, have taken us into the sensitiy of children. Coming into this world with an open heart and spirit, I do think they can be sensitive to things that we as adults have shut out of our minds. Children don't know that they "shouldn't" see things, while as we grow older, the world tells us many things "aren't" possible, but aren't they? I've had my own "unexplained" experiences as a child that have stayed with me my entire life, and I have watched other children experience things that there is simply no explanation for. Again, this is not a disrespect of God, but the belief that God can do anything, and perhaps because children are so innocent and open, He allows them to experience things such as this to widen their views and with a purpose to mold who they will become. 

We have also talked about reincarnation which I can't really get my head around, but it is definitely an interesting concept and conversation, as well as Heaven and hell and people who have died (for minutes) and come back and what their experiences were. We have shared podcasts about all these topics, as well as thoughts about the paranormal and even ghosts. Yes, death can bring on a lot of questions, and some very interesting conversations if you allow it. 

Through all of these conversations, I have realized that time and circumstance have brought my friend and myself closer together. We talk about the weird stuff, the hard stuff, and the really painful stuff. She has also made me more aware of the world around me. I find myself picking my battles more carefully and realizing that most of the stuff we, as humans fight over, is just that.....stuff. In a week, month, year, etc, most of it will not matter and actually probably does not matter now. I also have found myself having such mixed views of others. While so much of what goes on in the world right now is sheer ridiculousness and people on a whole make me avoid humans at all costs, I do also try to view people through the lens of walking a mile in their shoes. I try not to make instant judgments on what I think of someone and I try harder to see deeper than just the surface. I am doing my best to make kindness my "go-to" even when I feel anger or anything but kindness. Most of all though, I am trying hard to cherish the moments I have with those I love in my own life. I try to appreciate the sound of a full house and my grandkid's laughter, the cold outside, even when it makes me aggressive, the sound of the rain, the time I get to share with my own kids, and the moments I have that are quiet so that I can listen and pray and maybe even hear beyond the regular hum of life. 

Yes, this particular friend, as with all of my friends, has a special place in my world. She has reminded me that life is short and we have to open our eyes and see its beauty and take in all that is given to us. She has also brought home the fact that sometimes the worst has to happen to us for us to be able to see things we never would have otherwise seen. She has helped me let go of all the stuff that clutters my mind and heart and most of all, she reminded me of what matters most......love!

Until next time......