I Am the Enemy

Well...we are coming down to the wire of another presidential election year and things seem to be getting quite heated. On facebook peoples political passions are starting to boil over and friends of differing view points are getting unfriended. You have to wade through tons of political pictures, sayings and insults just to get to regular postings and on both sides the claws are coming out. I am not a fan of any of it. I realized after watching the vice presidential debates (which I knew was a bad idea to start with) that my own political passions were pretty heated, so out of respect for my tv and my childrens ears.....I decided THAT was it! No more debates. With fb and the ever present media though....I feel as if I watched it all anyway. Sigh!

I have tried very hard to keep my political opinions to myself of late...for several reasons. One reason is that the last couple of times I have voiced a political opinion in my blogs...I have had people from both sides (liberal and conservative) try to hand me my tail. The other reason is...that THIS election seems to have taken on a much stronger role in peoples lives than in past elections. People seem to be more angr err...passionate about this election than in past elections. A friend posted on fb the other day that people don't get so wound up about subjects like this, unless they care. It made sense. Apparently there is a whole lot of caring going on right now. In the past couple of weeks I have seen long time friends coming to blows over this election, people unfriending anyone on their fb page who is of another political belief and families becoming divided. But this isn't just happening in fb land, this is happening all over our country. Why?

The last time I remember our country being on the same page was after 9/11. Not just liberals were attacked and not just conservatives were attacked. We as a country....we as Americans were attacked. That destruction was aimed at Americans and we became united against an enemy. Many who now make outcries against the war seem to forget that at the time....America wanted to fight. We wanted to feel safe again and yes....we wanted justice.

As the years and the war continued on....many who had originally been for the war started turning away from it. We saw more and more soldiers being deployed or redeployed and fewer and fewer coming home alive. We saw too many funerals and in our lay opinions not enough progress to justify our losses. It was a big political point during the 2008 campaign and election and many felt Bush had had his chance and we needed something new. When Obama promised change....that's all it took. It also didn't hurt that his election would make him the first African American president. It was a heady mix of promises of change and the possibility of making history that made the election exciting....even for those who voted against him. People like myself....who didn't vote for him were willing to sit back and let him prove himself. He promised to fix health care, to bring our troops home and to bring in jobs and lower the deficit. I will admit....I was interested and I was willing to give him a chance. So I watched.

I have to say that after four years in office....I feel lied to. Do I think Obama went into office intentionally lying? No. I don't think it is very often that anyone goes into a new job deliberately lying. However....he has done little of what he promised. Now I know if you are an Obama supporter that your blood pressure is starting to rise and you are getting angry as you read, but in my opinion he has lied or misrepresented all that he promised he would do. Yes, he passed a healthcare bill. It was a bill that not even congress knew fully what was in it. Nancy Pelosi wanted it passed and said....then we would all find out what was in it. Who signs or passes something without knowing just what you are signing and passing? This healthcare bill is starting to take affect and my family is first hand living proof why it is not a good bill and does not have the best interest of America at heart. If you are only someone who needs check ups and preventative care, or a woman wanting reproductive care (abortions, birth control, etc)....it is fine. However....if you are a woman with a chronic illness, a woman with special needs or a woman over 65.......Obamacare is not quite so accommodating. Of course that goes for men too....I was just trying to make a point. What has already started with our new healthcare system is that doctors office visits are becoming twice as long as they were before. Your wait time in the waiting room has gone up, your doctor in your room time has gone up, but your actual doctor/patient time has gone way down because the whole time they are with you....they are filling out computer page after computer page. If you go in through the emergency room....your primary care doctor is no longer the final word in whether you are admitted or not...it is the hospitalist who decides. Forget your history....it is what they see without knowing history that counts. If the hospitalists does not sign off on the admission....insurance will not cover it. What was once covered for those with special needs, chronic illnesses and life threatening illnesses are becoming less and less covered with the assurance that soon (2014) much above and beyond preventative care will be covered less and less.

Obamacare will also likely do a number on the economy and jobs. Soon all employers will be required to cover their employees. Many small businesses who currently help to boost the economy will end up going under because they can't afford mandatory healthcare coverage. It will throw the unemployment numbers way up once again. It will ultimately take healthcare choice out of our hands and put it into the hands of the government....a place that ultimately could have tragic results for many. While not a lie....he did pass Obamacare.....its passing didn't help the country in my opinion.

What about our troops? I find it strange that troops still deploy constantly and soldiers are still coming back in body bags. His promise was to bring them home. What he actually did was just relocate them from Iraq to Afghanistan. What makes this particular promise worse is that not only are these soldiers still standing strong and fighting for their country....but every time there is a congressional issue on the Federal debt....the military salary is threatened. Obama has threatened to cut military salary in order to get congress to agree but never has he threatened to cut congressional salaries...or his own. No....he goes straight to the military and that I find pretty unforgivable. So there we have it...a lie. Our soldiers still fight and die and continue to deploy. Did he intend to bring them home? Likely he did. Did he succeed? No.

What about jobs? Since Obama took office....unemployment has stayed high. Not until just recently have the numbers gone down and the current administration is calling this a win. The reality is....people are falling off unemployment. They are not working....they are simply no longer eligible to be counted. In his four years in office...many corporations throughout this country who provide thousands of jobs have either gone under or relocated to other countries. Layoffs have run rampant and small business has all but become extinct. Again...another lie. Deliberate? No....but a pattern is developing.

And the national debt. I believe he promised to decrease our debt and get us on our feet again. Instead...he raised the debt almost 5 trillion dollars during his term. This was more than Bush raised it during his two terms. Because of this our country lost its triple A credit rating. Currently this is the legacy we have to leave to the next generations. Another lie. Was it intentional? I certainly hope not but many feel it was/is. The best way to topple a country is from within.

Yes...I feel lied to. I also feel that this administration has caused many divides in the American people. It is an "us against them" mentality. I feel that Obama's speeches often perpetuate the divide. Seldom have I ever heard him try to bring together all sides and often I have heard him make snide political remarks about the "tea partiers" or others who he seems to feel are...."thems." As a president it is your job to unite a country and yet Obama cannot even unite congress on the things that count. It is this division that has been allowed to grow and fester that I believe is the reason people have become so angry with one another of late. We no longer see each other as fellow Americans.....we simply see ourselves as "those for Obama" and "those not for Obama." What is worse is....my worry about what happens after the election?

What if Obama wins another term? Many feel that we have raised our debt as far as we can. We are running out of money, our troops are still in Afghanistan and many are heading into another year jobless. Will the dam eventually break and people start taking a stand against the president? Will states try to sucede from the country? Will we find ourselves in a civil war?

On the other hand...if Romney wins...what then? Will there be an outcry for a revote? Will there be rioting? Will people refuse to give Romney the chance in 2012 that Obama was given in 2008?

It all makes me sad. I believe that these last few months have changed people. I have seen it personally and through social media. I am very afraid that we may not go back to being united as family, friends or country.....regardless of the outcome. No longer am I me...I am now a Republican, conservative....and in some eyes (including family and friends)....that makes me the enemy.

Breed Discrimination: It's All in the Raising

Well...I have many things I should be doing today in order to be a productive human being...so naturally I decided to blog. Yep! That sounds about right! Actually....what spurred this blogful moment was a post on fb I saw that said "PETITION: Get "i hate pitbulls" facebook page removed! It really got me to thinking. I was the person who really didn't like Pitbulls not that long ago. My prejudice came from heresay and a healthy respect for any dog larger than my own little less than 25 pounders.  Doberman's, Chow Chow's and German Shepherds topped the list. In more recent years Rotweillers and Pitbulls also joined the list. According to many...these breeds are just inherently mean, brutally attacking at will and leaving a path of death and destruction in their wake....and yet millions of families with children still seem to have these dog breeds....and survive just fine. Hmmmmm

After doing some research...along with some personal experience...this is what I have come to find. All of the above breeds are big dogs. Their sheer size can be intimidating and their build is strong. They tend to grow large quickly and often what would be considered harmless puppy play in a small dog...takes on a sinister act in a larger breed. Dogs such as Chow's, Rot's and Pits are solid dogs. They are lean and muscular and in play could hurt someone of small stature, but not out of aggression. That is why if you are going to own a large breed dog you must take responsibility for that decision. Train that dog and teach him/her not to jump on people and to listen to commands. Dogs are easily taught if you put the work into them but just like an undisciplined child...if not directed...they will direct themselves and that can prove destructive or even dangerous to them and those around them. The blame for those acts then does not fall on the dog....but on the owner. 

Some of these breeds like German Shepherd's for instance also can become territorial or one person/family dogs. In these cases the dogs are fiercely loyal to a certain property, person or family and can see outsiders as a threat. Again...proper training is the answer. Make sure your dog listens to commands and obeys them. 

What about dogs that are trained specifically for protection in mind? In this day and age...I don't blame anyone for taking whatever security measures they feel will keep them safe. That being said...it is up to owners to warn the public that they have a dog(s) who are trained for protection. Then....if Joe Public sees a BE WARE OF DOG sign and still decides to take his chances....the fault then becomes his. A good owner of a guard dog will take necessary precautions to keep their dogs safe as well as visiting guests whom the dogs might view as a threat. With proper precautions both dogs and humans should remain safe. 

As for picking on breeds as dangerous....I say breed has little to do with a dogs aggression. Size and weight can be a factor...if there is a fight in who might win, but I have seen 3 lb. Chihuahua's that are more aggressive than a 100 lb pit. While there are reports of Pits, Rots, Chows, etc. going after and killing people....I have also heard of a Pomeranian killing a newborn while it slept, poodles going after kids and mixed breeds of no particular breed affiliation taking a bite out someone they perceived to be an enemy. 

Dogs of any breed can be aggressive, mean and even deadly if the circumstances are right. An injured dog can be very dangerous. A hungry dog can go after someone as well as a dog who senses aggression from a human or feels that he himself is in danger. There are also those dogs who are abused or taught aggression from their owners. This is why Pitbulls have such a bad reputation. Because of their size, build and weight....someone decided they made perfect pawns in dog fighting. They are starved, beaten and given positive reinforcement for bad behavior so that they will be at their meanest, fightingest best. It was a "sport" where hundreds of thousands of dollars changed hands across the country. These dogs were ready to attack and kill anything that got in their way because that is all they ever knew from puppy on up.....and because of this they gained the reputation for being killers. Literally thousands of Pitbull puppies were bred for the soul purpose of being killers. These dogs didn't stand a chance. 

Media gives these large breed dogs ten strikes right off the weening. Every time one of these dogs attacks, maims or kills someone it is front page news. But for every dog like this....there are ten who are good family dogs, protective of those they love and are playful and fun loving. On the other hand for those breeds we consider "safe" there are one in ten of those dogs who will attack, main and kill. Most of how a dog acts and reacts is based on how it is raised.....again....not unlike our kids. 

The final turn around for me happened quite recently. While my head told me all the facts about dogs and what does and doesn't make them vicious...my heart still held fear, especially having David in the house. My older son decided he needed a dog and asked me to go with him to find one. I told him we would go to the Humane Society....but my one stipulation was "NO PITBULLS!" After looking for almost an hour....he kept coming back to this one 3 month old.....you guessed it....PITBULL. We chose several dogs to sit in a room with and see how they behaved. One...a black lab went in the room with us...laid down and refused to interact with us at all. The second....a cute little mixed breed Sheltie looking guy never stopped moving. He jumped in Davids lap, jumped over his head, jumped in Z's lap, jumped from Z to me and then literally tried to climb the wall. His nails dug into all of us and left David with a face scratch and decidedly displeased attitude. After that with my older son giving me his version of "puppy dog eyes" I finally said bring in the Pit. I hate to say it but within seconds he won my heart. He was 3 months old and about 25 lbs. He cautiously made his way around to each of us licking us and saying his doggie "Hello's!" When he came to David he sat in front of him and then gently made his way into his lap. Instead of tossing him in the floor which is what we all expected he would do....David began to pet him saying..."Oooooo" Davids version of "I like him!" At that moment we were all won over. We named him Vic!

Since bringing him home....he seems to have acclimated well. My son worked with him right off the bat and he says he has had only a couple of accidents in the house. He goes to the door whenever he has to go out. He gets along well when he visits with my dogs and he mastered commands of sit, stay and in the house overnight. He is an amazing dog and he loves with all of his puppy heart. He loves to be held and and to snuggle and he shares his affection with everyone around. You would be hard pressed to look into his expressive little eyes and see any sign of aggression or a killer....but then again....he is being raised with love and he is giving as good as he gets. 

Now don't get me wrong...I know there are those that have been hurt and even killed by dogs. I also know there are cases where the dog was solely to blame as the victim was totally innocent, but I would bet if those cases were thoroughly checked out....in more than half of them there would be extenuating circumstances as to why that dog became aggressive. 

There will always be a rogue dog or two....just like humans, who are mean for no reason and set out to hurt and kill, but they are not the norm and certainly that is not a reason for breed discrimination. I urge you before you judge an entire breed by the few...educate yourself. Learn and teach your kids safe behavior around all breeds of strange dogs and most of all...don't judge a breed by it's size, weight or media hype. Otherwise you might just be missing out on the greatest addition to your family ever.

Memories

It is that time of year again...when the clock feels the need to move me another year forward. I have been contemplating that of late. Birthdays have never really bothered me until the last couple of years. Oh...and there was that year that I turned 28. It nearly killed me...but I honestly can't remember why 28 freaked me out so. These last couple of years though...I can feel my body start to tense up in September. I seem to grow horns and become this bitch-like creature who is trying to fight the unfightable. Apparently the complete futilness of it all makes me even more unpleasant than normal. If in fact that is possible.

Today though...I was thinking about the positives of turning 30 (shut up...this is my blog and I can pretend to be any age I want!) The biggest positive I came up with...are memories. The longer you live the more you have. The only downside is....after awhile the memories can get jumbled. You forget details and sometimes you get actual memories mixed up with stories you have heard over the years. For the most part though...memories are what keeps us attached to the past...good and bad, and to other people...again both good and bad.

Yes...sometimes our memories aren't all pleasant and there are those things we would just as soon forget. Luckily...our mind has a unique way of overriding the unpleasant with the more pleasant and those are the memories that usually pop up when thinking about a certain person, place or thing.

I was letting my mind wander this morning and I was thinking about the furthest memory I have. I believe it was my 2nd birthday. I don't remember a lot but I do remember standing in front of my cake with Little Bo Peep on top and blowing out my candles. I remember Christmas too....lot's of Christmases in fact. My mom always made sure that no matter what....Christmas was special. She would start decorating before Thanksgiving and leave it all up until mid January. Our house always looked like the North Pole as every space in our house and on our lawn was alive with the Christmas spirit.

One memory I have that for some reason sticks out vividly as a really good memory was when we lived in New Mexico. I had a love/hate relationship with that place. I loved it because of the weather and we lived with my Aunt Margaret and I hated it because I felt torn away from everything that I knew and all my family and friends in Kansas. I went to a school that I actually kind of liked though. I think one of the main reasons for this was because right on the edge of the school property was a little building. It was about 6 foot wide and 8 foot long and on either side running length wise were shelves lined with candy. A little old man ran it and everyday after school he was opened for 30 minutes. Occasionally, Mom would send me with $.25 and literally...that would by you a ton of candy. Most candy back then was a penny or two for a penny. I could walk out with enough gum, licorice or jelly beans for a couple of weeks. To me the place was magical. For one....whoever heard of a candy store right outside your school? And then there was that feeling of being in the 2nd or 3rd grade and having the independence to make your own selections amongst the many choices. I have never since seen such a place. Today's huge candy stores with all of their color and choice will never be as exciting to me as that little 6 x8 building full of penny candy.

Another fun memory for me in NM was the one and only time I saw a May pole dance. In KS we had done May baskets for May Day which is traditionally May 1st, but never had I heard of or even seen a May pole. It was something the kids had worked on for months and a tradition for that area at the time. They had huge poles installed on the playground which the rest of the year were nothing but big poles. However....on May 1st, those poles were alive with colored streamers as the kids danced in and out and around causing a woven pattern on the pole. There are very specific dances that go to this ceremony and each kid knew their moves perfectly. I had come to late to be a part of the dance so I got to stand out and watch the spectacle. It was amazing and something I will always remember.

Yes...memories are special and I have had so many wonderful times over the years and so many special moments, and all are connected with a lasting memory that will always be mine. In fact many of these memories are what spark this blog and each memory gives you a little window into who I am and how I became this age obsessed mess. I think the whole memory thing came home to me this past weekend too. It was amazing to get so many people together...many whom had not seen each other in years....but we were all pulled together by our memories. Whether we ran in the same social circles, were rich or poor...the fact is, each of us walked the same halls. We could all still close our eyes and know exactly where Mr. Canfield's room was, we could remember taking the breeze way as a short cut, the heat of the classrooms on the old side of the building on a hot spring day and the smell of the school on chili and cinnamon roll day. Some of us had mutual memories of racing back from Derby during open lunch, having Mr. Gifford teach us history or skipping out on Yearbook Class to hang out in the gym. Whatever the memories though...that building; the sites, the sounds and the smells were apart of all of us and even after all these years....talking about them was as if we had never left.

I guess in the big scheme of things...turning another year older isn't all that bad. The times and events keep happening and the new memories are made and saved for days like today...when I need a reason to remember what is important, why time has to fly and how I got to be....me!

Is There Going to be a Blog?

So I have decided that 2013 is going to be down right boring, because there is almost no way that it can top the speed and sheer velocity of events that 2012 has had....and we are only to Oct. 1st!!! Since January I have been to St. Louis a multitude of times, I was laid off, I have baked hundreds of cheesecakes, David had life changing surgeries, I almost lost David and I have been to more parties and events in the last 4 months than I have been to in the last 10 years. I would have to say though....it has been all for the good and along the way...while staying close to those I dearly love....I have also met new faces and gotten closer to some who have been there all along.

Yes...this is leading up to the big event of the weekend....my 30 year reunion. It was more fun than I have had in many...many...many years. I have to say that I had a pretty wonderful group of people to celebrate with. The funny thing was that when I started school in 1976...I really didn't like any of them!!!! Trust me....it was ME and not them. I had moved here from another town and had come off a horrible 7th grade year. No...lets say a non-existent 7th grade year. I had spent the better part of 6 months going in and out of the hospital missing school, family and life. I was sick and miserable and by the time they found out what my high fevers and horrid, constant flu-like symptoms were....I had missed too much of my 7th grade year to ever get caught up. (We lived in an oil town and they found out that I was highly allergic to the petroleum in the air. I still can't drive through the town without getting a horrid headache and nausea.) So when we moved to Mulvane...I was forced to do my 7th grade year over and I was older than most of my class. I felt as if it was beneath me to be going to school with these "little" kids. I was over that in about a week and today....I wouldn't trade these "little" kids for the world.

This weekend was for me the most relaxing and laid back time I have had in very long time. My class was never big on the fancy or pretentious. Fancy and pretentious are a lot of work and none of us ever wanted to work that hard! We were more the impromptu kegger people than the dress up and party type, so we decided early on to make this event simple and for the most part.....easy. Friday night we began with a trip back to the high school football field to watch the homecoming game against one of our bigger rivals....Rose Hill. The game was good (we won!) and we got to enjoy all the improvements made to the field. After the game we went to the home town bar (I tell you...we are an easy to please group). Some who were not going to be able to make it Saturday showed up Friday and some of them even ended up coming out Saturday too. Most of us closed the bar down and we had a great time.

Saturday we had a bbq catered by.....the class!!! One of my classmates offered her house and land for the party. Another classmate offered her husbands skills with a smoker and bbq and the rest of us filled in with side dishes and desserts. We had a dj, a fire pit and perfect weather. We couldn't have asked for anything more. We decorated with memorabilia that classmates had saved through the years and the memories were in place. We ate, we laughed, we danced and we had a wonderful time. I think it was decided that in all about 50-60 out of our class of 120 showed up for at least one or all the events. We also had teachers there! It was amazing to be able to talk to someone who early in his life and career made such a huge impact on who you are today. We had some awesome teachers! It is also a little strange talking to these teachers as your peers rather than your teachers....even at our age. Sorry folks but forever to me...they will have Mr. or Mrs. in front of their names for in my opinion that is the respect they earned.

I was a little uncharacteristic this weekend for I did a lot of dancing...not good dancing...but dancing none the less (I am not a dancer). I just didn't care..it was fun and the jello shots could have possibly been a factor too. I laughed until I hurt and I talked until I was hoarse. There was video for those classmates who couldn't attend but keep in touch through facebook and there were pictures...lots and lots and lots of pictures. There were also a couple of people who asked me the all important question...."Is there going to be a blog about this?"

After not making it home before 2:30 a.m. both Friday and Saturday night...you could imagine my amazement when I was awake before 7 a.m. on Sunday. I headed back out to the scene of the crime....errrr....party where a handful had spent the night and another classmate had brought his grill out to make everyone breakfast. Once again...those remaining sat around the fire pit eating pancakes, eggs, sausage/bacon and hash browns and talked on old times and the events of the last two nights.....just a little longer. It was the perfect end to one of the more perfect weekends I can remember.

You know, to most everyone there this weekend...it was a really fun time, but to me...it was a little more. It was a coming together of people I had spent time with day in and day out for years. We weren't all close growing up (we had our cliques) but like most small town schools...we all knew each other. We walked the same halls, had the same classes and for the most part shared the experience of growing up in Mulvane. Our memories of teachers, incidents and each other are unique to us..... and what I realized is that I missed these people for better or worse. This weekend for me, was also a time that made even the worst times of this  year and beyond.....become only flickering moments in the really big picture. No matter how hard times get...there will on occasion be weekends like this...filled with good friends and great fun...and lots of great memories.....and somehow these times always make the difficult ones much easier to deal with.

It was a great weekend and one that will likely take me the better part of a week to recover from...but well worth every second. Now it's back to the real world and life...and who knows...maybe even some new events on the horizon?! And in answer to the all important question.....of course there was a blog!

 

MHS Class of 1982

I can't believe that September is in its last full week. It seems like just yesterday the kids were getting out of school for the summer and here we are.....well over half way through the first nine weeks of a new school year. As of late...it has started to really feel like fall too. We have gone from 90+ degrees during the day and only getting down into the 70's at night to 70+ degrees during the day and getting down into the 40's at night. Of course with weather change comes sneezing, sniffling and coughing. It has hit Z the worst...but still we muddle through.

For those of you that read all my blogs, a couple of you seem worried since I have been posting more in Do I Look Like a Celery Kind of Girl? Apparently to some From Beginning to End....is your favorite and there was fear that this one would be abandoned for the other. Not to worry. Trust me...I have enough verbiage and wisdom for all my blogs. None will be left in the dust.

As I woke up this morning, it dawned on me that I am just days away from my 30th class reunion and I couldn't help but wonder how time had gone so fast. It really doesn't seem that long ago, because I can still close my eyes and find myself right back in the halls of the old MHS. I can smell the lunch room and Mike Coffey's Bruit. I can hear Bio Joe saying "Jacques this is my class not yours so quit talking to Poteete!" I can hear the bustle of the commons and the stillness of the library. I see Mrs. Jaax, Mr. Mason and Mr. Gifford....all who impacted my life in such a major way. I can hear the pep rally cheers, the class yells and see the athletes dressed in their game day best. So how is it possible that 30 years has passed since I walked those halls and left it all behind only to fade to memory?

I feel very blessed to have been a part of the Mulvane High School Class of 1982. Although I am sure we had some rocky times....for the most part all I remember are the good. It is for this reason that I look forward to seeing familiar faces and catching up on three decades worth of careers, marriages, kids and grand kids. As it goes in a lot of small towns....many of us who couldn't wait to flee this place 30 years ago, have gradually migrated back to raise our families here. Some I see often and others just as rarely as if they lived a thousand miles away. Others did move away to make lives in other places only to return on rare occasions. Sadly too, we have lost members of our class over the years and I am sure when conversations of the old days come up....their presence will be greatly missed.

Yeah...it is hard to think of 30 years passing so quickly when it feels like little if any time has passed at all. Then I look in the mirror and I wonder if the face staring back even resembles the girl I was all those decades ago? There are more lines on the face, more pounds on the body and more experience in life....but the wonderful thing is.....the heart and the mind still find themselves on occasions in Mr. Mason's creative writing class, running to the office for a hall pass during Mrs. Jaax yearbook or having lunch in the commons with my friends. So here's to the MHS class of 1982 whom in our hearts will remain....forever young.

Warren

I am still trying to recover from a 2 week migraine that comes and goes. Sigh! I sit here on this Sunday afternoon and listen to the noises in my house. Z is playing music, David is watching Spongebob and I am wrestling with trying to process the events of the last couple of weeks. It has been a strange and sad time.

I always tell my kids that life throws you enough unexpected curve balls that you have no control over....that you have to make good use of the things you do have control over. In other words....don't make things more difficult than they need to be. Recently...the curve balls have been flying. The last couple of weeks I have felt like the rug has been pulled from me emotionally and I have lost all sense of balance.

A little over a week ago I got the call that my cousin Warren had suffered a major stroke. I was shell shocked and gut punched all at the same time. The funny thing is...Warren and I had not seen each other since 1989 at his dad's funeral. In reality I had not known him for years, but immediately all the memories of childhood came rushing back. Warren's  family and mine were very close mostly because of proximity and also because our mothers who were sisters. were very close. Warren was the 4th child and 1st born son of their family and he was about 5 or 6 years older in age than I was. The greatest times in my life were going to their house...mostly because I was the oldest in my family and had no siblings to look up to and because the rules seemed different at their house. When you have five kids as opposed to two....things are much looser or at least they seemed that way at their house.

To Warren....I am sure I was the gawky little cousin who was a pain in the neck. I was always clamoring for attention and trying to follow him and his brother Mark around. To me....Warren and  Mark were the older brothers I never had but so longed for. When at the their house I was treated as an equal in both the good and the bad. Warren's favorite thing was to wait until his little sister Susie and I were watching tv and then sneak up behind us and scare us. He was ornery and as I remember.....at times a bit cocky and...... I adored him. Although I am sure when he knew my family was coming over he probably wanted to run for cover....he never showed that. I never felt unwanted or unloved over there. To the contrary....I felt at home.

Growing up my mother instilled a sense of specialness in me for belonging to the family I did. She never let me forget that coming from the Dougherty line was something to be celebrated and respected and I felt that way too. I was at the young end of my 40+ cousins but I always felt so special and such a part of something so big when I was with my cousins and being so close to Warren and his family just made that specialness even bigger.

As happens...Warren grew up and moved out on his own. Although I still spent a great deal of time with the family....I didn't see him as much. When I did though...I remember him being handsome and smart and very funny. Warren went to college, started a family and eventually moved away. The times I got to see him were less and less. In 1989, Warren and his siblings lost their father. It was a tragic time and one of the funerals in my life that truly had a resounding effect on me. I was not at the time aware that this would be the last time I saw my cousin for if I had known this I would have been mourning more than one loss that day.

Through the years my information of Warren and his life came through stories and second hand accounts. He had done well for himself as I knew he would (he was always smart to me) and apparently he never lost his sense of humor. He was the father of two remarkable kids and grandfather to a darling little boy.

Five years ago Warren found that he had what everyone in my family lives in fear of. He was diagnosed with colon cancer. When I heard I (like the rest of our extended family) immediately flooded heaven with prayers for his recovery. They were heard and he did have a full recovery. He was given five years to live, laugh, love and appreciate all his life had to offer. I kept telling myself that one day I would see him again....maybe it would be at a family dinner or possibly a family funeral, but one day I would see him. I guess it was not meant to be in this life.

Warren's stroke left him on life support and after all of his tests and many prayers from far and wide, the prognosis was there was no hope and the difficult decision had to be made by his family what to do next. On Friday at about 2 p.m. he was taken off life support and he died about 4. When I got the call I was sucker punched for a second time. I had so held out hope that he would be the miracle that someone needed to see. God had other plans. I have complete faith though, that Warren did not leave this earth one second before his time and that before he left he had accomplished everything he was suppose to. As I hung up the phone....memories flooded my mind of the Warren I used to know....... him scaring me and Susie and thinking it was so funny, seeing him and my cousin Mark at our grandfathers funeral and thinking they were the two handsomest men I had ever seen, seeing Warren on his wedding day and most of all...hearing Warren laugh. I remembered him walking to the pool with us, going to grandpa's with us and my mother teasing him when he was a teen about his long hair and him saying, "oh Aunt Janey," with that crooked grin he had. I also have no doubt that when he left this earth....he was not alone for his dad, his sister, his grandparents and many aunts and uncles were there with him walking him into the arms of Our Lord.

So as I sit here thinking about all of this....I realize that I will see Warren again someday....maybe not in this life but definitely in the next. So for now I say....RIP dear Warren until we meet again.

The Breaking Point

A friend asked me today what was going on and if I wanted to talk. I really did...but there were just no words. I know you probably find "no words" coming from me quite comical...but honestly that is how I felt. I felt completely drained of everything...yes...including words.

I knew eventually that I would hit a breaking point and when I did....that all hell would break loose. I was not wrong. Since January I have been going at full tilt trying to make everything okay for everyone. I have tried to be super caregiver, super friend, super planner, super mom and now I have added super student to the list and the bottom line is...I am not super anything. No this is not self pity talking here. It is self realization. I have run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to please and placate and sometimes I think the person I tried to please and placate the most was myself. I was trying to prove that I could do it all, that I was this person that other people seemed to think I was. The truth is though....I have never been that person and if you don't believe me, just ask my kids.

Oh yes....my  kids. Perhaps I should put a disclaimer here before I continue. Mainly because in the mood I am in....things could get ugly. The disclaimer: I DO love my kids. I have always loved my kids, but honestly there are those days when I do not like them one little bit. The truth be told...I am sure the feeling is mutual. In fact...I am getting told that more and more. In all fairness to my kids...they have been through a lot in their lives. Their normal was shot the day I went into labor with my youngest (David) almost 12 years ago and it has never been the same since. Much of what they have dealt with just pure and simply sucked, but they seem to forget that they were not alone....it was not picnic for me either. Since that day sometimes they have gotten the mother they needed and sometimes they have just gotten a mother holding on by a thread and barely able to function. Thus is the price paid when you suddenly find yourself doing it alone with no set of instructions or road map to guide you through.

Over the years my children have challenged my authority, my patience and most of all my sanity. My oldest fought me at every turn, disrespected me and my home and somehow was amazed that he was no longer welcome. And then....as all kids pushing buttons do...he turned it around and suddenly it was all my fault and I was a horrible parent. Being stuck between single parent guilt and wanting to help my son....I caved on several occasions which opened us back up for a repeat of fighting and disrespect. Of course once again it was all my fault and I heard just what a horrible person I am. The constant worry, trying to do it right and never succeeding in anyone's eyes has taken me to my limits and caused me at times to become a hard and much colder person.

Now I am dealing with the 16 year old. Honestly....I have heard so many people talking about their 15/16/17 year olds and telling horror stories about how they talk and act and I was truly happy that I wasn't dealing with that. Don't get me wrong....he was not up for sainthood by any stretch but he was really a good kid. Suddenly though....he has changed. He is angry at me and it seems that the more I try to do for him...the angrier and more hateful he gets. I know that many would say that these are red flags for drug use and alcohol abuse in teens. Trust me....it has all gone through my head. I think though....the issue is that he really has decided he hates me. Yes...I said "hate!" 

Yesterday I was sick...really sick. It had been coming on for over a week but I had fought it with school and trying to get ready for a back to school party for said 16 year old. Now before I go further....let me say that the 16 year old has been a major help with his little brother over the years. He has picked up a lot of slack that in most situations another parent would do. Not a day has gone by that I have not been grateful for this and so now that he has turned 16, I have tried to give back. I have tried to take everything off of him so that he can enjoy being a teen. At any rate yesterday because I was sick and irritable I called him on something and it didn't set well with him. It went from me telling him to do something to him telling me that I had no control over him and from there it just got worse. Before it was all said and done he had told me in detail just how much he hates me. My heart is truly broken. It changes a parent to hear that. It makes me wonder why I try. It also makes me see him through much different eyes.

Am I a perfect parent? Is there such an animal? Like most parents on any given day...I do the best I can with what I am given. I have never done drugs, I rarely drink or go out. I make sure my kids have everything they need and as much of what they want as I can give them. I try to listen when they talk, be there when they need me, to support them through everything they do and to help them however and whenever I can. My kids ALWAYS come first which is why I am probably still doing this all by myself, and I have fought for and right along side my kids, for their grades, their dignity, their health and yes even their lives.....but today....today I feel like giving up. I feel as if they see me as someone to walk on or walk over with no respect for who I am or what I have tried to do for them. I feel that I  am worth more than fights and name calling. I am worth more than being used with little given in return. I am worth more than doing it all by myself just to be told I am hated. Yes...I think I have hit the breaking point.