Rainy Day Thoughts

Well....here we are stuck in doors on a rainy Sunday. It is not quite time to start Sunday dinner....so what better time to catch up on my thoughts. So here is me being randomly random on a rainy Sunday in May!

Pray for Nicky

Still praying for little Nicky Pena. He is a distant cousin whom I have never met...and yet I feel tremendous passion for and closeness to his family's situation. I have been there.... and needed every prayer possible for my son to live. They need this now....for no parent should ever have to watch a child die and no child should have to suffer what Nicky has had to suffer. Maybe the world needs to see a miracle....or maybe Nicky's cure would be the miracle that would profoundly touch and change the heart of one person. Whatever the case.....if it be God's will....let little Nicky receive a miracle!

A Mosque at Ground Zero

A mosque on Ground Zero???? Really??? Who thought this would be a good idea? I almost have no words or understanding for the thinking behind this. How is this a good thing? We lost lives because of radical Muslims and their complete hatred for America and Americans. Now I don't believe that the radicals represent the entire faith....but to put a mosque in the place of the most horrific slaughter of Americans this country has ever seen...is in my opinion unconscionable. This is a slap in the face to both the victims and their survivors....not to mention the rest of America. This also will cause more unrest and more of a division between true peaceful Muslims and Americans and cause a greater divide amongst American's in general. Why cause more problems when they simply aren't necessary. Could it be that a divided America is what is being sought after?

Graduating

School is almost out for the year...which means many will be graduating and starting their way in the world. You know....the funny thing is....with the economy the way it is, and the job market in such peril, those heading out of high school/college into the big world....have no idea what they are up against. No one has yet convinced them that because the world says they can't.....then why even try?! No one has yet ruined their confidence and because of their naivety.....they just might make it!!!! Oh to be young and fearless again!

Because I Said So!

I think I lost my mind yesterday.....yet again. My 14 year old wanted to do something that I, as his mother felt he shouldn't do. I didn't feel it was safe, and my mother's intuition literally screamed..."NO!" So my answer to his request was ...."No!" He then came back with the dreaded question....."but why?"

Okay...I was busy, tired, and preoccupied all at the same time...so the parents stock answer...."because I said so," came out of my mouth. And you all know what his counter was......"but why? Because I said so isn't a reason."

Suddenly I snapped. WHY do they always do that? WHY can't "because I said so..." be enough????

So I backed my little teenage offspring up against the wall (I am sure my eyes were ablaze with crazy)....and here is what I said:

"Because I said so," is not good enough for you???? Well how about because I am your mother?! I am older than you, lived through more than you, been hurt by more than I hope you ever will, and made the mistakes I am trying to help you now, avoid. Because what you are wanting to do is potentially dangerous and I do not relish spending what is left of my weekend in the ER, the hospital, or worse planning your funeral. Because I pay the bills, give you a place to live, a bed to sleep in and all the video games your heart desires. Because in this house it is a dictatorship....not a democracy.....and because believe it or not, I love you beyond all measure....and don't want you to do something to yourself that could potentially negatively effect the rest of your life." (At this point...I saw a slight lip tremble).

I continued: "So now let's be clear on something....the next time I say "Because I said so...." know that there are many, many good reasons behind what I say and why I say it....but because I am your mother....."because I said so"...should be more than enough reason for you."

When I finished....there was a tear in his eye. Not sure whether it was because he was moved by my emotional yet slightly crazed response, or just afraid of the of the glimmer of insanity in my eye. Whatever the reason though....the original request was dropped.....and I haven't had to say "because I said so," in over 24 hours!

Well....I have rambled long enough. Now it is time to get the dinner going. So I will leave you with this little diddy I remember from kindergarten!

Rain, rain
go away
Come again
another day
Little Lisa
wants to play
So.....rain, rain
go away!

Living in the Alley.....Tornado Alley That is

Well here we are in the midst of another tornado season....right smack dab in Tornado Alley. Spending my entire life in this region of the country, tornado season brings on many emotions. You can't help but get a little psyched when the season approaches because with tornadoes bring a certain amount of electricity to the air (and I'm not just talking about the lightening). There is an exhilaration brought on by the thought of an approaching storm. The air is humid and the sky often gets a certain look of haze about it. You can feel deep down inside that everything in the atmosphere is turned upside down and totally unstable. Maybe it is all this excitement and instability that draws people towards these huge monsters of destruction...instead of away from them?! I have no idea but I can tell you after the exhilaration dies down and the reality sets in that this beast could be headed your way....my thrill level goes from 10 to -60 as I find the lowest most secure place in my house and crouch in fear with my children.
In all my years in the Alley..... I have lived through many near misses, a few...too close for comforts, and a couple....I never want to go through that again's! It all comes with the territory though. As a very young kid, we didn't have a basement and one particular summer during the 1970's it seems we spent every single evening running to the neighbors basement as tornado sirens blared all around us. Back then the time between the sirens going off and the tornado actually hitting was a very narrow window. Early warning was about 2 minutes and when you are packing up valuables, kids and pets to make a mad dash across the street, it is absolutely no fun. After that summer, we moved to a new house with a basement and from then on....any house we lived in had to have a storm shelter of some sort.
Back in the 1970's as I said, there was almost no such thing as an early warning.....although we did have the sirens to tell us that the tornado was about to hit us, and we did get the yearly public service 30 minute broadcasting of what to do during a tornado. This was always broadcast at the end of March or the very beginning of April....just as tornado season began. I can't speak for anyone else....but the 1960's made film always used to scare me to death. Every year we sat and watched as the film showed a perfectly sunny day with people out going about their business....and then within minutes, the sky's were black and the tornado was upon them. Great public service announcement showing that a tornado could come out of a clear sky and be on you within minutes....and no early warning! Luckily....that film was phased out in the late 70's and tornado forecasting became more precise with better warning times.
Tornado season in Tornado Alley usually begins at the end of March and lasts until mid June. During that period of time, seasoned vets of the Alley know the difference between a run of the mill storm and the feeling in the air that comes with a possible tornado. It is definitely a feeling like no other.
Many years, even though we are smack dab in the middle of the Alley....we can go through a whole season only seeing dark clouds, maybe some rough storms, and a sprinkling of hail. In fact we can go for several seasons like this and this is not good. We tend to get lax in our observance of storms and even more lax in our reaction times to take cover. Then we end up with disasters like the 1991 Andover, KS tornado which wiped out most of the town and killed 24 people, or the Haysville, KS tornado in 1999, which killed six people and then went on to destroy Moore, OK and kill 43 more. People simply forget the strength of these unbelievable forces of nature and the destruction they are capable of, leaving them vulnerable to the worst.
In 1991, I and my then boy friend were headed to Andover to see some friends as the storm began to form. As we were driving we followed the wall cloud and watched as the tornado literally picked up pieces of the town and tossed it into the air causing debris to fly everywhere. After the storm fragments of homes, furniture, toys, etc were everywhere. We saw a blanket wedged through a tree and were astounded as we drove from farm to farm seeing one spared and another destroyed. It was a devastation I never wanted to witness again. But I did.
In the Haysville tornado, it hit late afternoon, early evening. My family and I did not realize the storm was even forming until it was on us. We lived in a town SE of Haysville and the storm was heading directly at us. At the last minute it veered and hit Haysville head on as well as parts of SE Wichita. The devastation again....was unbelievable. It was like a bomb had gone off. Streets were unrecognizable because all landmarks had been destroyed.
Then in 2004, right at the end of tornado season....a storm hit my hometown. It had been a lot of years since I had been as scared as I was that night. Tornado's were dropping and going back up in the clouds and then dropping again. Sheets of rain were falling and the sky was a steel gray. I knew that what was going to happen that night would not be good. I was right. My town was spared, but not outlying farms and homes. It wasn't until the next day that I realized that one of those homes hit was a dear friend of mine. The tornado had formed over her house and come down on top of it. She and her youngest son had run for cover in the basement under the stairs. The house and all its contents were sucked up and spewed back out all over farm fields for miles. Luckily....she and her son were spared. That same tornado took out a saddle club and the house next to it as well as the house across the road. (The above picture is the tornado that did the damage).
Again there was so much devastation and this time it was too close to home, for this was in my back yard and had happened to a very close friend of mine.
So here we are yet again in the midst of tornado season and yesterday the local as well as national weather forecasters were on their toes. Our atmosphere was set up just like it was in '91. People who remembered that year took the forecast seriously and they were not wrong. Fortunately for my part of the Alley, we were spared. Only a few quick moving storms with a couple of tornado's that taunted us, but did not damage us. Our temperature had just not gotten warm enough to cause the unstableness needed for the storms. However, south of us in OK was a different story. The tornado's hit as they seem to do, with a vengeance. Once again property was destroyed and tragically four lives so far have been lost....and months of repairing and rebuilding are left for the survivors.
So that is life here in the Alley. We know that three particular months out of our year are potentially deadly. There is an understanding with Mother Nature, that property can be lost and at times...even lives can be the price for living here. And yet few leave. I know I probably never will. After all....every place has it's problems. The coasts have hurricanes, the SW and W seem to have their share of earthquakes, and we have our ravenous storms. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes deadly, but always exhilarating. So yeah....I don't see me leaving anytime soon...because I really love it here. In fact....I think I will just stay right here in the Alley....Tornado Alley that is!

Post Mother's Day Meanderings

So...at first glance....my Mother's Day sucked!!!! It was a day I would wish on no one filled with cleaning up backed up sewage off my basement floor. And if your wondering....the smell was staggering. Mix that smell with straight bleach and you have the feeling your nostrils are being burnt by chlorinated poo!!! Needless to say, by the time I had Sunday/Mother's Day dinner ready, none of us found food any too appetizing.
I really was feeling sorry for myself (a spot I only rarely vacation at) but felt pretty justified in yesterday. With the sewage and a few other not as big but just as unsettling things happening, I was preparing myself for a real pity party. Then some friends from facebook whether knowingly or unknowingly set me real straight, real fast.
First of all, at the same time I was going through my little fiasco...my aunt was preparing for a mastectomy (wish I was there), a cousin of mines little grandson was found to have a tumor on his brain stem and several others on his spine, and another friend of mine has found a lump in her breast and is waiting to find out if it is cancer or not. So in the big scheme of things....cleaning up a little sewage really isn't a big deal.
I then had a fb friend tell me that motherhood is not perfect, so why should a day honoring mother's be perfect? Motherhood is messy, stressful, sometimes heart wrenching, and always rewarding....but NEVER perfect. So why wouldn't Mother's Day reflect motherhood? And at the end of the day, my kids were there, we all pitched in and got the place cleaned up, everyone was happy (as happy as you can be cleaning up poo that is), we were healthy and I really had no major complaints.
So when I finally hit my pillow last night, I was exhausted, but no longer did I feel the least bit sorry for myself. Instead...I felt very blessed. My basement was clean (which it needed anyway) and for the most part....in the big scheme of things...all was right in my world. So....as Mother's Day go....mine really wasn't all that bad.

Things My Mother Taught Me

This was a piece I wrote in memory of my mom a while back. I know it has been read by many of you before....but try as I might...I have not been able to come up with words that say how my heart feels about my mother...better than this. So on this...my 7th Mother's Day without her....I share this once again.

She was beautiful in every way and she was wise...far wiser than she was ever given credit for. She always marched to her own beat and could be your best friend or your worst enemy....it just depended which side of her you were on. She was a flawed human just like the rest of us....but somehow those flaws made her more vulnerable, more approachable, more Mom. She was a force to be reckoned with and she more than once brought fear into the hearts of my friends....but most ended up loving her and those that didn't....they still had a healthy respect.

My mother taught me many things and today...on Mother's Day....I would like to share some memories and lessons from a woman gone too soon.

She taught me that children are a gift and no matter what....we must always love them. I learned this from personal experience as she always considered me a gift and loved me through good and bad.....and sometimes I was very bad.

She taught me that we are not owed anything in this life and to expect this will only cause us heartache and pain. It is when we work for things we are truly rewarded. This has proven to be true so many times in my life.

Her favorite saying no matter what horrid thing happened to us was...."offer it up." Translation: God offered up His only son for our sins....so we can offer up our pain and suffering to Him. If I skinned my knee....she would kiss it, bandage it, and then tell me to "offer it up." If I failed a test and was upset about it she would say...."offer it up." Even when I was older and I was hurt by things that a kiss and bandage would no longer fix....she would listen and then tell me...."offer it up." Mom always felt that if you must suffer (and we all must) that if you offered it up....your pain would not be in vain. Guess what my children now get to hear????

Mom taught me that you are never closer to God or your own thougths than when you work in the garden. There is a peace and serenity there that can't be matched anywhere else. That is unless you run into a copperhead snake....but that is a story for another time.

She taught me that I would never truly be able to love someone else if I couldn't love myself. If you can't love yourself....then how do you expect anyone else to love you? It took me a lot of years and an awful relationship...but finally I learned to love me....and everything else fell into place.

Mom taught me that faith is essential in life and that prayer moves mountains. I was taught from a very early age to pray not on my terms but on Gods. All prayers are answered....just not always in our time or our way. My little David is living proof.

I learned from Mom that if one is good....then five are better. This may not have been one of her better life lessons...but if sure has been a fun one....especially where shoes are concerned. I mean really can you have too many shoes? Mom had 150 pair when she died....and many still live on in my closet today. Thanks Mom. :)

Finally and more importantly....Mom taught me how to die. Mom had five primary cancers before she died, she went through the loss of a lung, 3 other surgeries, and both radiation and chemo and never once did I hear her complain. Every time anyone would ask how she was doing she would always say, "if it doesn't get any worse than this....then I'm doing pretty good." You can bet Mom was doing a lot of "offering up." She never lost faith that whatever happened next was "suppose" to happen and she used every second of her life to enjoy what time she could. And finally......when the end came....she showed us that she had lived life on her terms and that she would die on her terms. She left this world with more class and dignity than anyone I have ever known.

Mom taught me that life is for the living. Death is inevitable but not to be dwelled on. She made sure that she taught me to let go of the sadness and to only hold on to the good....to the lifetime of memories.....and so Mom...that is what I've done. Happy Mother's Day.

Waiting For the Other Shoe to Drop

So it is going to be a bit difficult to write this post without sounding like a whiner....but really...I'm not! The fact is...in the last decade I have had one crisis, loss, tragedy, problem, and down right bad day after another. It started in 2000 when my youngest son was born prematurely and had a five month roller coaster stay in the neonatal unit, followed by finding out my mother had lung cancer (this was her third cancer) on the same day that my husband suddenly died of a brain aneurysm. Then we had mom's radiation and chemotherapy, followed by her death. Then we almost lost our home. Then we did lose our home and moved to the home I grew up in (and don't think that didn't cause some head-in-the-bag hyper-ventilating moments). Then I had issues with my son. He had drug issues, and behavior issues, and "I hate my mother" issues. Then the stress of it all caused ME health issues. And then there were the money issues brought on partly by my health issues and the resulting bills. We also had the health issues of my youngest son......and the multitude of trips to the ER, the stays in the hospital and the numerous times his little life was in danger of ending. Then my older son began having health issues which were followed by almost a months worth of hospital stays. I then began dealing with creditors constantly harassing me over unpaid bills which were unpaid because I couldn't find a job that was willing to let me take off at the drop of hat if my youngest son got sick.
Amazingly....I did eventually find a job that was willing to work with me, only to find myself in a job with a bipolar CEO (my diagnosis...nothing was ever officially proven) and an administrative clique that would rival even the nastiest high school mean girls. Because I was unwilling to bow down and take the character assassinations they were doling out to all those they considered "beneath" them....one stooped to the level of calling me out as a mother. All hell broke loose and I quickly ended my employment. Then there were more children's health issues, more hospital stays, more unpaid bills, more bill collector calls, my father's failing health, and once again the possibility of eventually losing my home....and no possibility of a job that would be willing to work with my situation. Now I know all of this sounds pretty gloomy and dark....not to mention like something out of a bad soap opera....but this has been my life. Now, I guess this is the part where I should follow up and say....there have been blessings mixed in with all of this. There have been happy times and I have gotten to know who my friends truly are and realized that I have had some friends all along that I didn't even know were there. But the fact remains I have issues with trust. Not really with trusting people (although that last job did put some peoples motives in question)...but my real trust issues are with LIFE! When you have a stretch of life where you have a consistent assault of issue ridden years, it is very hard not to spend your time looking over your shoulder and waiting for the next illness, death, piece of bad news....or basically waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I went to a therapist for a while who told me that I had what was called...post traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS) and her advice was for me to relax. How could I possibly relax when the other shoe could drop at any moment? Stupid woman!!!! But actually the PTSS did make some sense to me, although I knew that the "relaxing" thing probably wasn't going to happen.
I did however take a step back and start paying more attention to the world around me. There were many people who had it so much worse than I did and often times they did not appear to have the "what next?" attitude. And to be quite honest...I had been brought up by a faith filled mother who had given me enough verbal adages and life examples to get through anything. I know that God never gives me anything that I can't handle (although I am pretty sure at times....He has me confused with someone else) and I also know that if you pray you should have enough faith not to worry and to know that God will handle it all. Alas though...I am human....so I both pray and worry.
Today I woke up and it was a good day. We are all currently healthy and things seem to be going in a good direction (with the exception of a non-immediate family member or two). I still have piles of bills that glare at me monthly and a special little stack that will most likely only get paid if the government gives ME a bailout....but for today....things are good. I simply have to come to terms with the fact that I really have no control over tomorrow or even later today...and that God in His infinite wisdom is not picking on me or giving me more than I can handle.
But you know...even if life stays a steady course for awhile and there are no swarms of locust, natural disasters, or hospital runs....old habits are hard to break. So if you see me looking over my shoulder and sweating a little.....you will know it is just me....waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The National Day of Prayer

The National Day of Prayer has taken a beating this year. It has been debated, dissected, and turned into a media dream. Why this year? Why now more so, than any year since 1952? Especially, when it appears that more than ever before we as a country need some uniting?
I know that the old church vs. state argument stating we need a secular government is the first thing that is screamed out by opponents....but the National Day of Prayer is not a law....merely an observance. No one is being forced to pray and no particular religion is being singled out. It is also not merely a Christian observance. Anyone who prays can take part and for those atheist who stomp their feet and cry fowl.....they can meditate...unless of course thinking good thoughts about and for your fellow man and your country is against their own personal beliefs.
What I am saying here is this: This country is in a world of hurt right now. We are having major floods in the south as well as the oil spill in the gulf; we have homeless, jobless people running around; abuse, neglect, and so many other forms of human disrespect. We are in a recession with layoffs and foreclosures happening all around us; and a country divided by political unrest. Wouldn't you think that a day where we all prayed, meditated on or even just wished for some help, some unity, some common ground would be a welcomed change? Or is a united country NOT the "change" that is being sought?
And there has been much controversy and rumor over President Obama's part in this NDP. Rumors have flown that he was canceling it, forbidding it, etc. This does not happen to be true. He has supported it in the past....he has just said he will not take part in it this year. My question....WHY? Why would the leader of a country which is starting to visibly divide and is so full of misunderstanding, intolerance, and racism (from all sides)....not take this day to unite this country? Why instead, would he use it as a tool to further divide. And his very actions by "not taking part" are showing that division in this country is perhaps what he is trying (very successfully might I add) to achieve.
Well....I have done some thinking about this whole situation and I have decided this: prayer is stronger than any man, any group, any weapon, and any naysayer. So I will pray today and with my prayers and the many prayers and good thoughts of others.....we will be heard. I will pray for my country, my fellow American's, our men and women serving their country and all those including you Mr. President who chose not to observe this day.....because as our Pledge of Allegiance so eloquently put it....we are One Nation Under God!

Let "5" Save Your Life!

Five is a good strong number. Very distinct and easily recognized and remembered. Why my fascination with "five" you ask? Because the number five could save your life if you are a woman or it could save the life of someone you love. Now you think I'm crazy....right? Trust me...I'm not!
Today is May 5th and today and on the 5th day of every month.....if you gave yourself a breast exam...you might just save your own life. And if you reminded those around you....you might help to save theirs. It is proven that through regular self breast exams...a woman becomes familiar with her breasts to the point that if there is an abnormality....she can detect it almost immediately. It is also proven that early detection is the key to fighting and winning the battle against breast cancer. And since this horrid disease is one of the leading causes of womens death, isn't a little prevention worth it?
Why do I care? Because number one I am a woman and number two I have watched this disease afflict and even kill family and friends of mine. I myself have found a lump thanks to regular self exams and thankfully it was nothing, but I knew my breasts well enough to feel the difference and detect it immediately. It could have been the difference between early detection and losing my breast....or worse.
Please don't think it can't happen to you or those you love....because my family is living proof that it can.
So if you are a woman....or there is a woman in your life that you love.... please remember "five" and on the 5th of every month, check yourself and be the best friend or family member you can be and remind those you love to do the same. After all....it takes such little effort and it can have such enormous results. So please...."Let "5" Save Your Life!"


This is dedicated to: Mary (my mother), Ruth and Grace (my aunts), Pam (my cousin), Andrea (my friend), and all those who have had to fight the battle against breast cancer.