The Alarm

Today I heard.......my alarm go off. It was the signal that summer was over and the school year was beginning for one of my offspring. The other one starts tomorrow. It is so surreal as it seems only a few days ago, I turned off my alarm for summer to begin. Now it is over. Maybe it has been the really strange weather we have had this summer or all the projects, but it feels like summer really never kicked in.

I know there are many parents that count the seconds until school starts in the fall. They can't wait to have the house back and some form of order restored to their day, even if only for a few hours. I however have never been one of them. On the contrary, I thoroughly enjoy my kids. I love the laid back summer time where schedules for the most part are thrown out the window (my basement is proof of this) and we just relax. I like the noise, the commotion and the constant activity that is in the house when they are here. Sadly we didn't actually get to do all the things I had hoped to this summer but we did laugh a lot, work a little and have a lot of fun together. There were a lot of cherished moments and wonderful memories made.

Now as I prepare to put David on the bus and spend the day in a last ditch effort trying to get all the finishing touches on the school year, I admit that I am a little sad. Maybe even more than a little. There will be no more leisurely breakfasts and no more hearing at least two tv's going throughout the house. There will be no more hearing Z singing from dusk til dawn and no more midweek movie marathon days. My days will be without David following me throughout the house asking me "Where'd ya go?" and without Z's amazing lunchtime salads. I know the dogs feel it too as they seem to be just a little uneasy knowing change is upon them. I guess it is upon us all.

David will be starting 6th grade this year and Z will be starting his senior year. It is all going by so incredibly fast and there is simply nothing to do but hold on for dear life, grab every special moment I can and hope that through it all, I have managed to get it right at least part of the time. I guess that is what most parents do.

Yes, today I heard.....the alarm go off. Not just any alarm but the alarm that said summer is at end. Next stop is school, fall and a downhill slide to the holidays. I know that for the next nine months I will hear that alarm many times over but I think it is safe to say, that none will make me feel quite the way that the sound of that alarm made me feel today.

Death, Mortuaries and Funerals

So we will try this again and see how far we get. To Like or Not to Like...... Today I am going for a Not Like! Yesterday I went to the mortuary to say goodbye to a family friend and neighbor of many years. I was struck as I walked through the heavy ornate doors and felt the stillness all around me. The silence was barely broken by tentative whispers from other rooms and in that moment I was very aware of  just how much I hate mortuaries and funerals. Perhaps it is because I have been to my fair share over the years and none of them come easy. Maybe it is the finality of it all. Whatever it is, I would rather do just about anything than go to a mortuary or funeral, but as we all learn as we get older....there are just those that if we can, we must say our final goodbyes to.

Maybe this all effects me so because the first deceased body I ever saw was my grandfathers. I knew he had been sick because he lived with us and was bed fast, other than that though, I had no real understanding that with his kind of sickness (stage four testicular cancer) he was not going to get well. Even when I woke up one morning and his bed was empty and my parents told me that he had died during the night, I still did not understand the concept of death. It wasn't until I walked into the mortuary with it's dim lighting and the heavy scent of flowers in the air that I realized that things would never be the same in my life. As the mortuary attendant pulled back the sliding door to the room where my grandfather's casket lay, I could see the top of  his face. I walked carefully in only to suddenly realize that what was laying in the casket was no longer him. This shell was all that was left and it terrified me. Even being bed fast grandpa always smiled, laughed and was animated. He was full of stories and laughter and now, he was simply still. Never would he smile or laugh on this earth again and all of this was just more than my young mind could fathom. I remember digging my heels firmly into the floor and shaking all over. As my father tried to push me forward (I don't think he had realized the level of my trauma) I stood firm to my spot. When he finally did get me to move, it was backwards and over him. I darted from the room half screaming, half crying and full on terrified. Needless to say, I didn't end up attending that funeral, but the mortuary visit is still as vivid to me today as it was all those years ago.

Since that time, I have lost many people from my life and I have attended many visitations, rosary's and funerals and each time a part of me feels just like I did that day as a little girl. The worst probably for me was the funeral of my 6 week old daughter who died of SIDS. The loss itself was traumatic but nothing prepared me for the viewing and funeral. I wasn't sure I was going to survive it all. I obviously did but it remains a deep scar on my heart and I am not sure that I could ever attend the funeral of another child.

As I said, there have been others. Many others in fact and they simply don't get easier. The pain that fills the air, the tears and so many people walking around trying to say the right thing when deep down everyone knows at that moment, there simply is no right thing. It is just awful. The end result is always the same. The body we see and bury is just a empty shell. The person we loved, knew and called our own is no longer there. Often the body doesn't even resemble the person anymore because what made that person...... left and moved on the moment of death. Reconciling the person we loved to the shell that remains is almost impossible. I truly hate it. 

The only thing that has gotten me through some of the funerals closest to me (those on my mom's side anyway) have been family. My mothers family is huge and no matter how sad the funeral or how great the loss, the family gathering post funeral is always amazing. As strange as that sounds, it is true. My family mourn by remembering. As we all sit around, that is when the memories pour forth and the stories begin. Then there is always laughter. Sometimes there is laughter until there are tears. Or maybe the laughter is simply covering the tears. It has been my experience though, that when the stories are flowing as well as the laughter, then that is the moment we all begin healing and I can't help but feel that the one we lost is looking down and both laughing and crying right along with us. It is an amazing feeling.

I have given it a lot of thought over the years and I somehow think that the old Irish Catholic idea of a good and proper wake might still be the way to go when someone leaves this earth. The body would be brought to the house in it's casket and put in a room where everyone could come pay their last respects. Meanwhile in another room, one heck of a party would be going on. There would be stories told of the deceased and memories shared, along with a toast or 20 to the person for a life well lived and a quick and peaceful journey into heaven. No one in attendance would have a choice but to grieve and then to also begin healing. It would certainly be better than a cold and dimly light mortuary with all the silence and heavy floral smell. After all, shouldn't the whole process be about celebrating the persons life here on earth and their new life in heaven? The mourning is for ourselves and our loss...not for them. They simply don't need it!

The bottom line is, death and ultimately funerals are inevitable in life. It doesn't mean I like them and aside for the need of burial, I am not even sure I really understand them. I guess it is closure for those of us left behind. Ultimately though, if anyone is listening.....I am all in favor of bringing back the Irish wake. If I have to say goodbye....I would much prefer to do it with a few tears, a toast and some wonderful memories that leave me with a smile......until we meet again!

A Really Good Week

So I have been firmly and repeatedly chastised by my mentor for "teasing" her with only two posts on my new daily blogging journey and also for making my new daily blogging journey only two posts. Yes, she said as much to me. I didn't really see the difference but apparently she did and felt I should be doubly admonished! As I told her, looking back on starting the daily blog the last week or so of summer and just as school was starting, perhaps was not one of my better decisions. However that being said, I have to follow up by saying that I am incredibly proud of myself. The last time I was trying to do a daily blog, if I missed a day, I beat myself up ruthlessly about it. This week though, I just went with the flow and realized that when life let loose of me, the blog would still be there. So this was a win for my mental health/OCD but a loss for my dedication! Thus the chastisement. Apparently my mental health is not that big of a deal to others. Sigh!

I will likely be doubly in trouble today, as although I am blogging....this will without a doubt be a blog that is  all over the place (it is the weekend thank you very much) and I am mentally catching up. I will do better in the future though....I hope!

My next door neighbor of nearly 40 years died this week. He had been ill for a very long time and sadly bed ridden for a lot of that time. When I got the call of his passing, I was not shocked but I was very sad. Another hole has been left. It seems like such a hugely important part of my town is slowly dying away both figuratively and literally. It makes me sad and makes me want to hold on to people that much tighter. If only a tight grip could prevent the inevitable. RIP my dear Mr. Harlan.

Speaking of holding on....I would say that is what I have been doing this last week. That is part of the reason that I have not been available to blog. Well that is as good excuse as any....right? While in one aspect Facebook has disheartened me quite a bit this summer, in another it has given me a happy place where I can combine my love of home town, history and people. Sometime ago (we are talking years), I started a group on Facebook called: You Might Be From Mulvane if............... It was a page, like all those sorts of pages where people could put their unique memories to their unique home town. Somehow this page survived the whole Facebook group makeover and it has lived on with people here and there adding their thoughts, memories and some pictures along the way. From time to time I would find internet pictures of our town and add them, but there was always a part of me that wanted more for me and more for my town. I wanted a way to unite the past with the present so that the past, those who created this town and those who influenced us along the way would never be forgotten but rather their legacy passed on to the newer generations.

In the last week my town has been gearing up for back to school, the 30th Class Reunion of the class of 1983 (they were the class under me) and Old Settlers, our yearly town celebration. One night while looking through the Mulvane page and taking a walk down memory lane, I decided that the page was due for some much needed love. Once that decision was in place, another former Mulvane grad contacted me and let me know that he had years worth of Mulvane High School yearbooks and pictures on disks that I could have. I was over the moon. I spent two days adding pictures to my beloved page and as the saying goes...."If you build it....they will come." They did! Suddenly the page which maybe saw a handful of visitors per week before, now had people rushing to join the sight and others commenting on the pictures, sharing the pictures and adding their own.....along with many thoughts and memories on growing up in the town that I call home. It has been amazing. What was more amazing though was that I had people thanking me for helping to bring the page to life. It has actually been a joint effort by everyone who has participated and it has also been a humbling experience which has been filled with joy and taken my mind off the things in my life which don't always put me into such a happy place. It has really been a good week. 

So this upcoming week, there may or may not be more blogs. I am still trying to work on the basement, I have yet to buy school stuff, my house needs cleaned, I have cheesecakes to bake, I am still on the job hunt, school starts Tuesday and Old Settlers is this coming weekend which means I am on vacation from Thursdayish through Sunday.  So as you can see, I really need to prioritize and since I now know that I can miss a day of blogging when I am suppose to be blogging daily......and not have a complete melt down, well we will just have to see how everything falls into place.

It is a beautiful Sunday morning here in the South Central part of Kansas. There is no rain and the temps are cool, especially for a mid August morning. Mass is over, blog is just about finished and I am ready for  about anything this day has to offer, other than Sunday ER trips. I am not up for an ER trip! That being said, I wish you all a happy, healthy and blessed Sunday!

Today I Heard........

Tuesday. If in fact today is actually Tuesday. Yesterday I spent the better part of the morning thinking it was Tuesday, only to find out it wasn't. This would have been okay had I not decided to proclaim the wrong day to facebook. Yes, it was a bit embarrassing when I realized that apparently subconsciously, I had tried to skip Monday altogether this week. Sometimes I amaze even myself and usually not in a good way.

So today is Tuesday. I have checked my calendar and everything. This means that today I have a new topic to blog about. This topic I thought a little strange and wondered how I would work with it, until yesterday evening. So for the foreseeable future, the Tuesday topic will be: Today I heard...... See what I mean by strange, or perhaps interesting would be a better term. Well here we go.

Today I heard (okay...actually yesterday), that a lady from both my town and my church died. She was in her 90's, so it really should not have been a shock, but it was. When I heard, it felt as if I had been gut punched and all the air was knocked out of me. Why? Because this was no ordinary 90 something lady.

The lady I speak of, her name was Loretta. Loretta was a fixture in my small town for many years. She and her late husband had raised their kids out on the farm and then later in life moved into town. She had been a staple in our little Catholic church and if memory serves me, I believe she once told me that she and her husband had been one of the families who helped build our original church.

When I was young, I must confess that I was not fond of Loretta. She was fairly tall, rather stern looking and very direct. She was a no nonsense type of person and had very little patience with any form of said nonsense. It wasn't until I was a grown woman that I realized that behind that directness was a very kind heart. After my husband and mother died and we moved back to town, Loretta was one of the first to seek me out. In her gruff way she let me know that should I ever need anything, she would be the one for me to call. Her reaching out to me was both surprising and comforting.

Next door to me lived a very good friend of Loretta's named Mrs. F. Mrs. F. was a lady who had for years been a neighbor to Loretta out on the farm and then once widowed, she too moved into town. Mrs. F. was in very poor health and my elder son would mow her yard and help her with odd jobs and Z would go over and keep her company. If ever I couldn't find Z I would know he was sitting in Mrs. F's kitchen talking her leg off and regaling her with all our family secrets. Loretta appreciated the fact that the boys reached out to her friend and told me so often. When Mrs. F left this world, Loretta was the one who found her. I knew it was hard on her as I stood in the yard with her waiting for the ambulance to arrive. She refused to get sentimental though. Instead she said, "She had a good life and this was the way it was suppose to happen. She just sat in her chair and went to sleep." It was this direct Loretta that I had grown to love.

Loretta always went like a house a fire. You would see her either coming or going in town. She was always at daily Mass and then she had her group of friends she would meet for coffee. She always stood pencil straight and walked like a person on a mission. It only took a quick look at her face to know what she might be thinking about any given circumstance and she was never shy about conveying those thoughts. One day I was talking to her and I said something about how important she was to our church community and that I hoped she would be around for a very long time to come. She practically glared a whole through me as she said, "Now why would you wish that on me? Practically everyone I know is dead. What do you want me to stick around for?" Then she asked if I knew how old she was. I didn't. To me Loretta was ageless and I had never really thought about her as any particular age. At the time she was 88 years old. I was shocked. I honestly thought she was in her late 60's or early 70's. When I told her that, she laughed out loud.

One Sunday morning I went to Mass at the Villa (a little chapel off the nursing home we have in town). It was a Mass Loretta attended fairly often. As I was getting ready to leave after Mass, Loretta grabbed my arm and pulled me aside. She told me that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer and that she was going to have surgery. Then in a very direct manner she said, "I need prayers." I knew better than to show sympathetic emotion, so I simply said okay. Within a very short time, she was back to church and back to herself as if nothing had ever happened. Knowing better than to ask too much, I simply walked up to her after Mass one Sunday and asked, "You okay?" Her reply was a curt, "Yes!" and all was right in the world again.

Of late I noticed that Loretta didn't go from kneeling to standing quite as easily as she used to and there was just the slightest slump in her normally straight back. In fact, it occurred to me not too long ago that 90+ years....and many of those spent on a farm, were hard on even the toughest body. Eventually age would take its toll, but it was obvious that Loretta still maintained the upper hand. In fact just a couple of weeks ago I saw her sitting in her pew at church along with some of the other older widowed ladies of the parish. She still looked and acted like Loretta.

So last night as I was looking at facebook, our church page notified us that Loretta had passed away yesterday morning. I had to read it several times for it to sink in and then my mind began racing, trying to think if I had heard she was ill or having problems. I had not. So I contacted another lady in our parish hoping she would say it was all a mistake. It was not. She had been having some very recent health issues, but not life threatening ones, so her death was unexpected for everyone.

I know Loretta had a good long life and that she likely was very happy to go when God called her. For myself though, I am incredibly sad that I never got to tell her what knowing her meant to me. Of course Loretta didn't go in for all the sentimentality and likely she would just have given me the look that said, "I know, so there's no use in you saying it," but still, I would like to have told her anyway.

There is a generation in my town that is quickly leaving us. They were strong, hardworking and they helped make this town what it is today. Loretta was among those.

So, today I heard....that a one of kind woman, with a stern demeanor and the kindest of  heart and spirit left this world, but not before she left her one of a kind mark on me, our church and this town. RIP dear Loretta. You will be sorely missed.

On Any Given Monday

Welcome to the new blog. Or is that the revamped blog? Was that a fragmented sentence? Sorry. At any rate, welcome to my first blog topic in quite a while. So what is the topic for today and on any given Monday in the near future? Drum roll please.................To Like or Not to Like. Apparently my opinion on things I like and/or dislike is something that shows that I have a certain way with words and also proves to have a modicum of entertainment value.Yes, I said modicum.

According to many close to me, I am not shy about my opinions. I am especially not shy when it comes to my dislikes. I find this funny because for many years I was a rather shy and non-confrontational person. Then at some point in my life, it was as if a switch was flipped and I became this person who if pushed would take someones head off without blinking twice. Neither the shy me nor the beheading me are me's that I am especially proud of. I keep thinking that there has to be a happy medium between the two and hopefully someday I will find it.

All this being said, tis true....I have little problem expressing my happiness or my displeasure with things. The thing is though, right here and now I can't think of any one thing that really has me overly happy or overly mad. Perhaps I am just too tired at this moment to have any heightened emotions one way or another. Since nothing extreme comes to mind I do however, as always have my lists of things I like and dislike. It seems those babies grow with each passing day. So as not to disappoint, I decided to go with happy thoughts and hit a few likes.

I like hot weather....when it is cold. When hot weather hits however, I am really not a fan.
 
I like rain. I like the the sound of it with windows open as I drift off to sleep. I love the way it smells and feels. Rain seems to renew me just as it does the earth.

I like heels. No, I love heels. I am 5'1" and heels for me are not just a want, they are a need and the higher the better. In 4" heels I am actually average height and I am still shorter than most people I know!

I like drive-ins. Going to a drive-in brings back so many wonderful memories from the past. As a young child I would wear my pajama's to the drive-in and we would picnic in the back seat. As a teenager I would go with a group of friends and we would pull down tailgates and bring lawn chairs, and let's not forget date nights at the drive-in where you never actually saw the movies. Yeah....I like drive-ins. Sigh!

I like sitting on the front porch after dark in the summertime. I like listening to the sounds of the summer evening and smelling barbecue grills, listening to kids in the distance and hearing locusts singing back and forth to each other. There is just something about a summer evening on the porch that gives me an inner peace and in that moment, makes the world seem right.

I like watching lightening. I am not talking about those intermittent flashes that come with your run of the mill thunderstorms. No, I am talking about the great big bolts that dance across the sky as the thunder cracks and the air sizzles. It is an unparalleled mixture of beauty and fierceness that never fails to stir me and always leaves me longing for more.

I like taking trips with my kids. I love the laughter, the songs and the conversations that come from those trips. Those are special moments and ones we possibly wouldn't share if not for having to make those long car rides and I treasure every second.

I like walking into a hospital ER and seeing familiar faces. No matter how bad the situation that brings you in, there is comfort in the familiarity of people who know you and your situation and they know what to do without a lot of talk and explanation.

I like those once in a blue moon movie days, where the kids and I hang out in pj's, veg out and watch one movie after another. Those days are the best.

I like cooking dinner and sitting down together as a family and eating. I love the conversation and the togetherness that comes from these meals. They are memories in the making.

I like hanging out with friends I have known for years. I like the history and the stories that can be told and retold from that history. I like laughing with them until we cry and sometimes.....crying with them until we laugh. Having friends like that is nothing short of amazing.

I like history. I like reading about the past, learning about the past and doing what I can to pass that history on. To move into the future, we must first know our past.

And finally....I like sleep. Not just sleep mind you, but the act of going to sleep. I like laying my head on a cool pillow and feeling my body relax. I like allowing my mind to drift and feeling myself slowly fall out of consciousness into complete relaxation. To me, it is simply the best part of the day.

So there you have it. My first topic blog. No, there was no berating of a new found foe, nor abundant praise of new found treasure. There was only a few positive words about the world currently around me. Fear not though, I will get rested up and someone will either make me over the moon happy or tick me off to a boiling point and you can be sure that you will hear all about it, on any given Monday!

Grammar Sucks

In case any of you were wondering, the drought here in Kansas appears to be over. At least that is what all the water standing on already saturated ground seems to be saying....and still it rains. All I can say is that if it is up to my family to build the next ark, fuuuget about it! We can't even get a room in our basement completed, so I am pretty sure an ark to save the world (or at least Kansas) is out of our skill set.

How do you like the new blog look? I was finally, after months and months of trying, able to change my backgrounds, fonts, etc. Thank you Google helpers (they run blogger) and also thank you Z for all your help. I would like to blame blogger for the issues and at first it really was an issue with blogger, but more recently it has been an inept user and not blogger at all. My apologies for all the nasty comments I have left both Google and blogger. I hate admitting my imperfections!

So the look of the blog is not the only thing about to change. To J'nelle, a faithful blog reader who has asked me numerous times over the last year or so, "When are you going back to daily topics on your blog," you will be overjoyed to know that as of tomorrow, they will be back. The rest of you may have mixed feelings about this, as do I, but there is a reasoning behind it and I will now share it with you.

Out of the need for employment this summer, I decided that a job could and should be one you enjoy and I enjoy nothing more than writing. That is when I realized it was time to seriously look into the world of freelancing. I honestly thought with the world being on the internet that finding freelance work might be easier than it was 30 years ago. Perhaps it is, for someone who has not forgotten everything they learned in grammar school about grammar, but I have had to face some harsh realities about my writing skills. The most important reality is that I am lazy. My feedback seems to be that my content is "good" but my editing, punctuation and general understanding of sentence structure are greatly lacking. Potential employers seem to find my own twist on grammar and the English language not to their liking. Go figure!

Lucky for me though, one of those who critiqued me rather harshly also decided to take me under her wing. I am not sure if she is a writer herself, a teacher or just someone whose eyes are offended by poor grammar and run-on sentences. At any rate she sent me a very long and detailed email in which she stated that she had taken the time to read or at the very least skim, my entire blog. She picked out several posts in which she said there was great emotion and the content was, (in her words) "quite excellent," but the grammar, sentence structure, etc where highly lacking. Much of the rest she said were, "at times enjoyable," but often times "very incohesive" (is she making up words?) In other words I think she meant my thoughts are all over the place. I wanted to say, "lets see where your thoughts are when you are 50, menopausal and running yourself crazy," but I refrained. 

She said some of her favorite parts of my blog were when I blogged about topics. She said my thoughts were more cohesive (she seems fond of this words and its variations) and it appeared my audience (you guys) seem to enjoy them a great deal according to my comments section. She said they also opened me up more and let my readers take a peek at who I am not only as a writer but as a person. All this being said though, she felt that my laziness in grammar detracted greatly from the actual content. However, what I lack in sentence structure I apparently make up for in my words, so she would like to mentor me. Yay me! No seriously....yay me! I have been writing lazy for so long that I actually need someone to help me edit and correct grammatical errors. I always thought that one day I would be a writer and I would have someone around who would edit and do those corrections for me. Apparently that is not the way it works, so I need to learn.

So here is how it is going to work. She has given me a list of five topics and she would like me to assign a topic to each day. These topics are what she would like to see from me based on what she has already read in my blog. The topics she has chosen, she believes will show different sides of me, different skills in my writing and possibly ultimately open up doors for me in the writing community. She will be reading my blog daily and if she finds a topic not working or not showing her what she is wanting to see in my writing, she will have me change it up. Finally, she feels I need to be writing something everyday. Her words, "You have a natural ability with words, emotion and basic content. You simply need to work on grammar and hone those skills to be able to take your work to the next level and be an employable writer." I am good with the writing everyday, but it appears that I will be doing it for free for sometime to come. I guess I am still going to need a day job. Have I mentioned that grammar sucks?

Since I am not sure what topic I am going to assign to each day yet, I will let the topics be a surprise for you all. Start reading tomorrow though to find out what Monday is. Also, as always your comments are appreciated and if you aren't currently following me on blogger....please do. I have a feeling that the more followers I have on here the more enticing (employable) I will become to would be employers.

So until tomorrow, hope you all have a dry and happy Sunday!

As A Matter of Fact....I Do Still Blog!

Why as a matter of fact.....I do still blog. I guess I have been on a blog vacation of sorts. Actually, I have been both mentally and physically otherwise occupied. Yes, the blog ideas have tried their best to clutter my mind, but other things have shoved them out. Today I decided to take some time and organize. My plan is to organize my thoughts, my paperwork and maybe my freezer. As plans go though, by the time my thoughts are organized and spread out all over this page, there will likely be no energy left to organize anything else. Baby steps girl! Baby steps. 

This summer took on a life of its own with me mentally. Thoughts, feelings and emotions have reared themselves this summer. Some are good and some have been really rather dark. The older you get the more you realize just how little control you have over some processes in your life.....the grief process for instance. I think they get it right to some extent about the steps to grief and grieving, but they leave out the part where "everyone is different" and that the process isn't completed in just the span of a few months. Sometimes it takes years and sometimes it takes a lifetime. What really sucks though is that grief can blind side you. Just when you think you are home free, a picture, a song or even a smell can make you feel like the whole process never took place and you feel that you are back at square one. Yeah, I've been there a bit this summer. I'm better though.....at least for now.

I also have come to some conclusions about myself, people and life in general. There are things I have control over and there are things I don't. There are times when taking a stand is not only the right thing to do, but also very necessary. There are also times when speaking out does nothing but cause more issues than already existed. I can't control the world. It is far too vast and way too far out of my skill set, so I must put the world in Gods hands. I cannot control my country or its leaders. I can vote, I can educate myself and I can speak out when necessary but again, there comes a time when one has to realize just what their limitations are and weigh the good against the negative. Again, the rest needs to be handed to God. As for people, I continue to get schooled in people regularly. I found out recently that I am in some ways very naive about the human population. I am not alone in this as people like myself use Facebook and other media sites with the incorrect belief that somehow they are safe. We put out personal info, pictures and way too much info on ourselves and then we somehow are surprised when people use all of this to attack us and our families. Not all people are moral and ethical. Not all Facebook friends are our friends and sadly, even some we know on a personal level who stand as both family and friends are not what the words suggest they should be.

I would like to be angry, and I was for a while about some of the people who have shown their true selves to me this summer, but after thinking it through I realize the real blame lies with me and not them. They did nothing to me or my family that I myself did not allow, whether it was in the cyber world or in person. It was a great lesson in trust as well as an eye opening experience into what people will say and do when they are hiding behind their computers. Lesson learned and I move on.

I also found myself extremely humbled this summer. It is humbling to know that maybe as a woman in my home on my own turf I am queen of all my kingdom and usually in great demand. After all, I am the only one who knows how to change out toilet paper, where the laundry room is or how to load a dishwasher, but when I step out that front door....I am just another someone. You would think that all my years in various jobs, working in the home and doing everything from daycare to domestic service, along with my years of blogging, writing and expressing myself to the world would find me some kind of work that would provide for my family and give me a sense of purpose. Of course this all needs to be on my terms (working from home)....but come on, am I asking that much???? Apparently I am. What I have found is that my blogging has gotten lazy along with my punctuation, spelling, editing and it seems at times that I have a fairly poor general understanding of the English language. Don't get me wrong....there are jobs out there where you can work from home, but it seems that first you must put your time in on the job. Being told for the umteenth time that you are simply not employable is no fun to hear. It is also no fun to take the criticism from writers. I know I have done it for years, but when I am at a point where I am trying to learn from said criticism, it gets a little a lot humbling. Sigh!!!!

Aside from all of my mental, emotional brain clog, there has been a lot of physical stuff too. No not health or anything like that. Physical as in home repair. Z (or should I say WE) took on a project this summer that in theory sounded like a week or two deal. Here we are in the second month and I am kind of over the whole home repair thing. Unfortunately it doesn't matter how over it I am as there is still much to be done. Z decided to actually put up sheet rock walls in his room, along with a new floor and ceiling. Before, it was just cement walls, cracked and curling 1970's linoleum over cement and ceiling tiles with pool cue holes in them. Thanks to a friend of mine Z has pushed forward even though I think he realized somewhere about week two that he might be in over his head a bit. In the midst of all of this a few other repairs have been done such as light repairs, a new door and David's room no longer has a Z head size hole in the wall. All of this along with cooking, cleaning, organizing, rearranging, decluttering and running every which way has kept me physically busy and usually fairly exhausted.

So as you see, blog ideas haven't stood much of a chance in my overused brain in the last couple of months. Now as I look at the calendar I see that school is just a couple of weeks from starting and I find myself wondering how the time has gone so incredibly fast. It seems that just the other day the kids had their last day of school and we were wondering what to do with the 12 weeks in our future. As summers go though,  this one wasn't horrible. A lot seems to have been accomplished and I feel a change in me. Maybe it has been the life lessons about people and trust. Maybe it has been the humbling and realization of where I stand in this world. Maybe though....it has been the combination of it all and the feeling that this summer has not been wasted. Whatever the case, it has been a very busy summer and one I don't think I will soon forget.

Oh, and yes.....I do still blog.