Friday, April 15, 2011

Torn and Alone

The end of the week finally made it. It is truly a beautiful sight and yet.....all is not well. Yesterday David's nose was a little runny but last night he was full on congested. All night long his nose was so full that he just tossed and turned. I also think there is ear involvement as he keeps grabbing his ear and rubbing it.  I saw the writing on the wall yesterday evening and and went ahead and  advised work that I might be late as I needed to get David into the dr. this morning. It is days like this that I struggle. I hate feeling pulled in different directions and knowing that no matter what decision I make....I am letting someone down. Sometimes it is just hard doing it....when you're doing it all by your self.  If there was someone else helping me to carry the load then we could switch off  staying home when the kids are sick, but when you do it by yourself....your choices are limited. Every mothers instinct inside me is telling me that David needs to go to the dr. and then come home and go to bed. Yet my adult instincts tell me that I don't want to let my work down either. And I know beyond any doubt that if I have to call in because of David.....I will be told "no problem and I hope he gets to feeling better" and yet I just hate doing it. I hate feeling like I am letting my work down but I hate even more thinking that I am letting David down. My kids will always come first, but my job is so important to me and I just feel stuck. The only upside to all of this least we aren't dealing with seizures right now. The major downside though is....I have to watch him carefully in case his temp would spike or we could be dealing with a febrile seizure and none of us wants another one of those. Ahhhh....the rose that is not without its thorns.

Well....our temperatures have nose dived again. I think I heard highs in the 40's today with rain. That...matched with 50+ mph wind gusts out of the N, and it is going to make for a not so pleasant day. That will help to exasperate Davids condition I am sure. It also has the potential to put me in a less than happy mood. I know this is typical April in Kansas weather....but I am so done with any kind of remotely cold weather....and the wind is kind of getting on my nerves a bit too.

David is lying in bed looking at me and making me feel so guilty right now. You know, I honestly never blame anyone for my being alone. I actually never have. I don't blame God as I  know and honestly understand that there is always a greater purpose in what happens whether we can conceive it at the time or not. And I certainly don't blame Tim....because I know if it had been his choice, he would still be here dealing with the day to day stuff we call life, right along with me.  Knowing all of this though doesn't keep me from feeling very alone sometimes. Most of the time I do fine, but sometimes.....when I am sitting in a hospital room or ER and waiting to hear what the problem is this time, or on days like today when I need to be both with David and at work and there just is no good answer, or when I work and work and still the ends don't meet at the end of the month...those are the times that it is truly hard and I feel truly alone. What I wouldn't give for Tim to be here and to  hear his famous words...."Things will be fine. I am here for you and we will get through this together!" Yes...things will be fine. However....I must do it alone. And yes.... I will get through this....just like I have gotten through everything else in the last ten years....on my own!

Well, I know I seem to be kind of low today....even though it is Friday. I will do my best to make the day a better one, but before I depress everyone further....I think I will simply end this here. So for now I think I will just wish you all a happy and healthy Friday! Stay warm until we blog again.

Your Photo Here.............(Day 24)

Spud and his sick boy!

Today's picture is my poor sick David with his ever faithful companion Spud, the corgi/shepherd mix. Spud is a rescue dog whom someone found roaming the streets when he was about 9 mo. old. The Humane Society had no idea of his background so he was handled carefully. However, the minute I saw him, there was a connection. They said he was pretty shy and not as friendly as some of the other dogs they had available, but he seemed to feel a connection with us too.

After we brought him home, within a week he was terribly sick. He got to the point where he could barely move and was throwing up constantly. I ended up having to take him to the animal ER. Yeah....I know, even my dogs end up in the ER! What we found out was that he had Parvo and the chances of his survival were slim and none. After a vet stay of several days with lots of anti-biotics (resulting in a $500 bill) the verdict was...that he would live.

David took to Spud immediately, something he had not done before with other animals. He would rub his hand along Spuds fur and let Spud lick him over and over again. Spud seemed to understand Davids specialness and was gentle beyond words with him. Together they would lay side by side watching tv or sit quietly on the couch. And Spud always cuddled up behind David's legs at night.

In past months Spud has chosen to sleep downstairs with Z, but whenever David is sick....Spud is always there, and last night was no different. Spud refused to go downstairs and when I woke up this morning, David and Spud were together....Spud sleeping curled up as close to David as possible and David holding Spuds paw. It was kind of an awesome site.

I guess every boy needs a dog and every dog needs a least that's how it goes in my house. Happy Friday everyone!

1 comment:

Melissa said...

Wow, I have no idea what it must be like to be forced into single-mom-dom. I have a friend with 3 girls who lost her husband about 6 months ago and I have no idea what she goes through. What amazing ladies to be able to survive and function like you do.