Here and Now

It feels a bit strange being back. The writer in me though....can only go so long without exploding into an eruption of my own thoughts and words....so it was time. It has been a strange existence recently. I am trying to figure things out and I am learning that even at my age....most answers still allude me. Maybe all of this uncertainty and yes....frustration are because I am racing to the half century mark and I still in so many ways feel like I am barely legal. It is a strange place to be in life and yet I know that at some point and some age we all have to sort out who we are, where we have been and ultimately......where we are going from here. 

This last year has been one of seeking, trying new things and trying to find out where and even "if" I fit in anymore. I am here to say that I have no more answers now than I did Jan. 1, 2011. I simply have more miles and more stories.....most of which you all have already read or heard about. Maybe though I have some different perspective.

I have always seen myself through others eyes; my parents, my boyfriends/husband, my kids and my friends. In doing so I have (I believe) tried to emulate who they think I am. Some believe me to be someone I am really not which is a bitch to try to emulate when you have no clue and are faking it, and some see me somewhat closer to who I am. However......since I am not really sure of who I am......it all gets a bit confusing at times. This year I have rebelled against who certain people perceive me to be.....only to find that maybe they are not so far off the mark. On the other hand....I have tried with all my might to be the person that others envision me to be only to find that I am not even close and what is worse.....I can't even fake it. It has been a disappointing time for me and very unsettling.

Along with the skewed perceptions of myself....I have also developed a different view of others. It is obvious that others play this game too. I have learned that some are the people they are to me.....because they see themselves as the person I want or expect them to be and that isn't always good. It is pressure for everyone all the way around. It is like I suddenly see things and people through such different eyes. Now if I could just take the blinders off and see myself.

The world and the people in it can be rather funny in an ironic sense. If we have something good in our lives (love, spouse, kids, good job, etc) we seem to want the same for everyone around us. On the opposite end of the spectrum....if we are sad, miserable, unhappy, out of love, divorced, etc......we seem to want to spread the misery. I have people of both natures in my life and recently I have felt very pulled  both ways. I know so many that are truly happy in their lives and because they care they want the same for me. They especially have honed in on the love and spouse thing. I listened and I tried. REALLY....I tried. Maybe it was all the trying. It just didn't work. So many seem floored that I could be a whole decade without a man in my life. It is almost as if I am doing something wrong or unnatural by not being on the prowl and filling my bed and my life with a new man. The reality is.....I am about quality not quantity and just anyone will not due. It has to be right and trying to make it happen just doesn't work. I have been dealing with the fallout of trying to make it happen for months now and I have learned my lesson. Mr. Right is out there. I may already know him or he maybe someone just on the horizon, but whatever the case.....we will find each other and know it.....when it is the right time....not at some contrived, forced time. I am honestly good with that....and I sincerely hope that everyone else is too.

As for the unhappy people in my life trying to share the wealth. I have bought into that too. I have allowed others to make me feel as miserable as they are. I have been brought down so low that I would have to look way up to even seen the curb. The blame is not completely on them. I am very responsible for who I allow in my life and how much control I allow anyone to have over me. Sadly I have been weak enough that my boundaries have not been in place and I have not enforced anything. People can break you if you allow them to and some have come close. I am fighting to regain myself and to implement the line that no one will be allowed to cross.

Sometimes finding yourself is a solitary journey which means you must isolate yourself in order to get to the heart of the matter. I have been doing this....partly because I really don't want anyone's perception of who they "think" I am spilling into my journey and partly because I have been a real whiner on this journey and I don't want anyone's lasting impression of me to be this whiny, pathetic person that I tend to be at times right now. Who I am now is not who I will be (hopefully) when I get this all sorted out. So for everyone involved.....temporarily closing myself off is a necessity. I do however appreciate all who check in from time to time and I am trying to emerge a bit and socialize in those minutes when I feel stronger.

I have relearned what I have always known.....writing is my passion. It keeps my soul in tact and my head from exploding. It also (according to my children) makes me a nicer person and detracts me from their every move. I thought NOT writing for awhile might help to declutter my mind and help me to get centered. All it really did though was give me a whole lot of emotions with no outlet and made me feel as if I was artistically and emotionally suffocating. I also realized what several writer friends of mine had told me all along. I was writing my blog more for others than I was for myself. In some ways I was selling myself and even my readers out by trying to commercialize myself and my blog. It wasn't me and in some ways helped lead me to where I am today. So now my blog is going to be possibly more sporadic, unregimented and completely written on emotion and whim. Sometimes that is the best reading and for now...the only healthy way I can write.

So for all of you who have worried and/or wondered.....I am fine. I am just dealing with, fighting for and trying to make my way through life just like everyone else. I have no idea where this journey is going to take me or how things are going to look when I get on the other side of all of this. All I know is....for here and now, this is who I am, how I am and where you will find me when my thoughts overwhelm me and the world gets too much............