It is 12:30 a.m.! I am exhausted and I am also having one of those WTF moments. Now I usually try to express myself (especially on my blog) without profanity....but every once in awhile....profanity is the only way to express yourself. Thus the WTF moment/day/few days.
This year, I have been happier (despite all the little speed bumps that life likes to throw at me) than I have been in literally years. That is not to say I haven't been upset, scared or down right pissed off from time to time, but in terms of the big picture....I have been truly happy. That is why I was thrown off the other day when I just completely felt out of sorts. Everything made me want to cry or get mad or simply just go back to bed and quit. Every time these waves of melancholy hit me, I would try that much harder to fight them with another load of laundry or cleaning out a closet or God forbid....mowing my yard for the second time in a week. Still I just couldn't shake the disenchantment with everything that I was feeling. Then....as I was double checking an appointment for David and realizing that it wouldn't work, I also realized the date on the calendar and I fully understood why I was feeling the way I was. July 2nd!
For those of you who have read my blogs in the past....you probably guessed my melancholy before I have even explained, but for those of you who are new to the craziness that is Lisaland....you might be just a tad bewildered. July 2nd of every year starts a three month stretch that is filled with emotional hills and valleys and it never fails to knock the breath out of me (some years harder than others). In the last couple of years even being physically oblivious to the actual calendar date has not kept the emotional reality from creeping in. It is like the date and this period of time are somehow imprinted on my psyche and whether I am physically aware or not somewhere deep inside my emotions just know.
On July 2, 2001 I came home from taking my mother to a doctors appointment in which we found out she had lung cancer.....and found that my husband was dead due to a brain aneurysm. It was the day my life changed profoundly and irrevocably forever. Everything I thought I knew, everything I felt and everything in my world turned inside out and never since that day have I been the same.
The years I spent with my husband Tim....from the moment we met until the last moment our eyes locked and I told him that I loved him and said goodbye (not having any idea it truly was goodbye) were the greatest years of my life. We were poor as church mice, worked our fingers to the bone and between us raised five kids....and never was there a day that I didn't feel like the luckiest girl alive! Together we had job losses, injury, a miscarriage, teenagers, little ones and a baby that we lived on the edge of our seat for five months wondering if he would live or die....but what held us together was love! Every pain, loss or trial was met with an enduring faith in God and each other and as much humor as we could muster at any given moment. Our dates were walking through the Walmart isles or sitting together on the front porch watching our kids play. It didn't matter whether we were in a large group or just the two of us (which seldom was the case)....when we were together....all we saw was each other.
The day I lost Tim....I literally lost not only my best friend, but a huge part of my heart and a major part of my world. Everything in my life went from being on course to being in a strange sort of limbo where I had no rule book and something no one in my life had ever prepared me for. The walls caved in and for a VERY long time I ran on auto-pilot. It was so bad that other than a snippet of memory here and there.....the first couple of years after he died....I have almost no recollection of. I closed into myself and suffered a pain that I never even knew was possible. I had not signed on to do kids, a house and life alone...and yet that is how it was.
Jump ahead 11 years. Only last year did I decide that I might be ready to move ahead with my life. The thought of dating and leaving widowhood behind although terrifying....was at least now a thought. The doors that I had slammed shut the second my five year old came running to me on that July 2nd day.....telling me that "Daddy was dead," were only just now slowly starting to creek open. While the dating thing is still in its infancy and I am not actively seeking dates, I am not adamantly opposed to the thought like I have been in the past. And this year....as I have said....I have been truly happy and that has been a first since that day. Still though...apparently the imprint of past pain never fully goes away or at the very least the statute of limitations does not run out after a mere 11 years.
Don't get me wrong, I feel no self pity....because even to this day I still feel like having Tim in my life (even for a short time) made me the luckiest girl ever. And even knowing everything I know now, if I had to do it all again....I wouldn't change a thing or miss a second. As I said though, it is a three month stretch for me. July 2nd he died, Aug. 10th is our anniversary and Sept. 20th is his birthday. It can be a tough time. Some years are better than others and some years simply suck. I am hoping this is not a sucky year!
I know I have no time to shrink back into myself and although the occasional tear is allowed...a flood is simply unacceptable. At least I know that my drifting off course emotionally was not without purpose and I am now also quite aware of what date the summer has progressed to. When I wake up in the morning (or in a few hours to be precise), and post this blog.....it will still be July 2nd. But hopefully by then...with a little sleep and a little prospective this day will no longer be a WTF moment or a WTF three month stretch!