Holding

Dear Mentor.....please look the other way as today's blog is likely to be one of those that drives you to the brink and then shoves you over the edge. I didn't blog the first of the week, mainly because I was confused on what day it was both Monday and Tuesday, so I thought I might do a little catch up today.

I have been pretty introspective and soul searchy of late. Life has had more questions than answers and sometimes even the answers confuse me. I have felt like I was in a holding pattern for a while now. Holding for what? I am not sure. I look around and see much progress in many ways, but then I dig a little deeper and there is still so much that needs to be done. This is not a metaphor but reality. This covers my house, my yard and my physical and emotional life. And now I am simply holding.

My basement looks like a disaster area. It drives me crazy. I know remodeling is a work in progress, especially when you can't work on it daily, but my skin crawls every time I walk down to the laundry room. The floor is in different stages of destruction, the drop ceiling is open, I can see wires and vents and I am just over it all. The fact is though....I have at least another month until there is even a semi-finished product. Arrrrggggghhhh

The rest of my house is picked up but not clean. I have no time to clean most days as I am too busy running myself or the kids to this doctor or that one. I hope that by the end of September my doctors visits will be down to only the kids and only occasionally at that. So far in the last month I have had an MRI, a CT, had enough blood taken for three people, taken Z to the cardiologist and I have been to a specialist in breast cancer and had my yearly all-over check up. In the coming weeks I have to see a thoracic surgeon, an endocrinologist, the eye doctor, the dentist and I have to take David to Shriners. Now this is just what I have scheduled to date. Who knows what is going to branch out from these appointments. Hopefully nothing. I am pretty much ready to be done with doctors at this point and I am sure when all is said and done....they will likely feel the same about me.

Part of my introspection has made me realize that a portion of  my holding pattern may in fact have nothing to do with health issues or doctors at all. It may have to do with the passage of time. Fall is my favorite time of year, but this year it is very bittersweet to me. This is the last fall that Z will be in high school. It has really hit me just how fast time is going. Somewhere in my head he is still that little tiny first grader so excited and a little afraid to start to school. He was so small and had been through so much and I just wanted to hold him and protect him that day. Now he is a senior and on his way to becoming an amazing man, but I am not sure I am ready to let go of the little boy. Sigh It doesn't help that David is also a teen now and shaving to boot. My kids aren't little ones anymore and I am feeling time racing. Fear not though....I do know the cure or at least the band-aid for much of this emptier nest feeling. I am slowly but surely adding things for myself to my plate. I am starting to involve myself in things outside my little home world.

Of late I have taken on a couple of part time jobs. One is home based and the other is based on my time and availability. Yes, prayers are being answered. I am also working towards a normal workout routine again and I am also working on the plans for some outside events. One has to do (as I wrote in an earlier blog) with reviving the Dragging Douglas tradition. We are starting small and working our way forward. So as you can see....I am trying hard to stay busy, positive and not let time or circumstance keep me in a holding position for long.

Please don't think that what I am saying here means that I am sad, down or depressed, because I really am not. If anything I am just holding still and carefully choosing my next move. I am tired of jumping from the frying pan into the fire and I really am ready for whatever the next chapter of my life offers. So bring on the fall and the doctors visits which hopefully hold some peace of mind. Bring on the basement, dry wall and paint. Bring on the senior year with all its last first times and bring on my baby shaving. Life is about moving forward whether the road is high and curvy or low and smooth, sometimes though.....we must stop for a minute and hold, look around, decide and then.....let the journey continue on.