Today's blog comes with a warning. I have no clue in what direction this is headed or what is going to slosh out from my brain, flow through my fingers and end up on the page. I think it is pretty safe to say that by the end, we are likely to all be surprised!
*Monday's are normally my "like" or "not like" blogs. Today however, I think there maybe a little like, possibly a smidge of love, a whole lot of don't like, some possible wants and maybe even a hate or two. Really though, who the heck knows what I might decide to unload? Again....WARNING!
I know I have expressed vehemently in both the past and the present, how much I really don't care for Monday's. Well, this week....Monday is so unbelievably welcome, as it means this last weekend is over! Now don't get me wrong, it didn't all suck, but the insight and perspective I ended up with after the last 48 hours was literally exhausting. It all started with a friend coming over Friday night. She and I had actually not really talked in several months so we thought WOW....what a great time to catch up. Poor girl. She had no idea what she was in for when she innocently asked, "So....what's been going on?" The last seven months came pouring out and I am very sure by the time she left she was good with waiting to see me another seven months!
My weekend continued on with me spending the better part of Saturday and Sunday, doling out sage advice to 18 year olds. Well, it sounded sage coming out. Who knew 50+ years of life experience would come in so handy and be so disregarded by those barely out of the womb? Don't correct me. Those 18 years went by fast. In my book....that's barely out of the womb! Doling out advice....sage or otherwise....always proves to be time consuming, exhausting and invariably makes my me wish my mother was still around so that I could apologize to her for being a dumbass all those years ago when I too thought I was too smart for sage advice.
On a more positive note, a big part of Davids back yard project was completed on Saturday. We now have a completed pool and deck. We capped the completion of the project off with a tween pool party that I had promised to a young girl who had spent part of her summer helping with the project. We had the pool, the fire pit and we tried the projector out for the first time. There were a couple of bugs and we learned that old pool liner puts off toxic fumes if you try to burn it in the fire pit. All in all though, the party went well.
Yesterday, when I wasn't doling out advice, I was laying on the couch sneezing, hacking, aching and feeling like crap. Not sure whether it was too much advice, too much toxic fire pit or just too much perspective on my life. Whatever the case though, Sunday wasn't one of my better days. I found myself about 3 o'clockish, longing for Monday. That's when I knew that this particular weekend had worn out its welcome and it was definitely time to move on.
So today it's Monday. Here is where all that stuff I warned you about in paragraph two* comes in. Perhaps it is a combination of what came to me this weekend, this summer and quite possibly even as far back as Dec. 31, 2013. Well....here goes nothing......
I hate doing it all alone! I didn't sign on for this.
It is no fun being a half century old and feeling like the only thing you have going for you is advice that no one else appreciates and won't.......until they too are a half century old.
I like having goals. They direct me and sometimes even motivate me.
I hate having goals because when life steps in and my goals become non-existent...I fail. I am not a fan of failing.
I like the show Extreme Weight Loss. I like watching people make goals and keep them.
I really like a new drink I discovered.....Apple Jacks. Jack Daniels and apple juice. Yummy....and no, I am not drinking one as I am typing this.
I don't like that my car tags are due in three days and I can't afford to get them.
I don't like getting tickets because I don't have my car tags.
I like the Disney show Good Luck Charlie. It makes me laugh and sometimes I need a good laugh and I am not above watching the Disney Channel to get it.
I don't like that I will be starting August financially short and overdrawn. As overrated as bill paying is, it is still a requirement to live.
I love that Disney brought back Corey and Topanga for Girl Meets World. Yes, there maybe a Disney theme developing here.
I like time by the pool not thinking.
I like doing dishes by hand and listening to music because once again....there is no thinking.
I don't like bedtime, because that's apparently when I do all of my thinking.
I love my blogs. They keep me sane.
I don't like to always have to be the one to make things "okay" for everyone else. It simply is beyond my skill set.
I hate doing it all alone!
I want someone to step in and make everything alright for me for once. Is that really asking so much?
I love my family....immediate, extended, blood and framily and there is nothing I wouldn't do for any of them. I just wish some of them felt the same.
I want David to walk and talk and have an amazing life.
I hate that I can't give him more.
I hate being judged as a daughter, sister, mother or person. Walk in my shoes and then we'll talk.
I don't want to be rich, but caught up would be terrific.
I am thankful for all who have been so kind to David over the years. I hope someday to pay it forward.
I hate that my mom is no longer here and that I am without her sage advice.
I hate having bills and no money.
I hate not having a job.
I hate that no one has discovered my amazing writing skills and hired me on the spot!
I hate that I am not good at more.
I love home grown tomatoes and homemade bread.
I miss my husband.
I miss our house.
I miss our family back then.
I miss sharing it all.
I hate doing it all alone!
I hate always being the strong one.....when I am anything but strong.
I hate to cry.
I like to laugh.
I like to cook.
I like to read.
I love to dance like nobody's watching.....even if they are.
I love to sing like I can....even though I can't.
I love to hear Z sing. He actually can!
I love to hear David laugh.
I love sitting around the fire with my friends and forgetting about advice, money or the fact that not all those I love are with me.
I love knowing that each time I fall, I get up stronger.
I love that I am smart, determined and that my words can be both gentle and powerful and sometimes both at the same time.
I hate doing it all alone!
I love having the faith to know that there is a plan bigger than mine, better than mine and that things will eventually all work out.....even if I'm doing it....all alone!
So there you have it. Yay.....it's Monday?! And apparently, I am feeling a bit alone!
I love that you are not afraid to bare your soul in your blogs. I think that is the mark of a true writer. You let us see deep down inside. Even the things that aren't so pretty. I think that is why so many identify with you and your blogs. You say what we all feel sometimes but are afraid to say out loud ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI know you well and I know who you are and the life you have lived. I also know that there are few out there who would willingly trade places with you.
Once you told me that you knew God chose you for this journey. You didn't know why or what he saw in you, only that he chose you. I think he saw strength and someone that no matter what crosses they were given to bare would never give up or give in. I feel that soon, very soon there will be great blessings that you never even dreamed of coming your way.
Thank you for sharing this blog on a Monday. It gives us all a better understanding of you and I'm sure it makes many more grateful for what they have in their own lives.
This was beautiful and most of all, I am grateful and blessed to get to call you friend.
We all need someone there for us at times to make everything okay for us. It makes me sad that you don't have that but I am never sad long because you turn around and once again make your life, warts and all, look fairly easy. I love your blogs. Especially the gritty ones like this. Keep them up.
ReplyDeleteYou are never truly alone.
ReplyDeleteThis too shall pass.
Prayer moves mountains.