The Drug Life, The Thug Life, My Kids Life...A Mother's Story

It is believed that by the time our kids graduate high school that 60-70% of them will have tried drugs and/or alcohol. Of that number over 40% will develop a problem with one or both. A still scarier thought is that 40% of the kids that try these substances will have started using them in middle school.

Here are more facts. It doesn't matter what your income, where you live or how solid your family structure and life are, your kid can be susceptible to the influence and use of drugs. Granted there are life situations and financial demographics that make some kids more susceptible, but to say "my kid would never" would be both false and delusional on any parents part in the world we live in today.

To tell this mother's story, I would first have to tell a bit of the story of her child. The child was brought up in small town America. The family structure was strong brought up in faith and the child was taught right from wrong, good morals, ethics, love and compassion. The child though, like many in our current society was dealt their fair share of bullying and a healthy dose of loss and upheaval losing their father at a young age.

By high school, this child was fighting to find an identity, a place to fit in. By their senior year, they had found marijuana. Marijuana was a drug that this child's father always cautioned his kids about as he himself had delved into the world of drugs in a much different time in life. He had always talked to his kids about drugs as he had gone through recovery and was living proof of the toll they could take on every aspect of ones life and his greatest caution was always of  "weed"  saying that it was a gateway drug. None of them fully understood the true meaning of that until many years later, long after he was gone.

The child started feeling like they were fitting in, but the truth was, they started to change. What had once been a fairly good (not perfect but good) kid was now being replaced by someone who was becoming secretive and foreign to their family. Grades began dropping and there was even a concern about their ability to graduate. Sadly, all of this was happening under the family's eyes but not recognized for what it was.

Once graduated, this child's transformation continued. They started running constantly. No longer was home and family important. All that was important was being gone, hanging with friends and suddenly the friends that had always been around, started changing. New faces began to appear and the mother started seeing more and more negativity in her child. The once easy going, funny and basically sweet kid was turning into a rage filled monster at times. This child started becoming someone the mother no longer recognized. Then it happened.

The mother started hearing stories and along with her gut telling her that things weren't right, she started investigating. She started trying to catch the child up in stories, which started getting easier and easier and she started asking questions to anyone and everyone. Finally, one day she asked the right question to the right person and the answer was stunning. The world METH came into the picture. The mother wasn't even sure what meth was and had to start researching. Then after the child had used an excuse to be gone for several days, she found the child holed up in a house high from meth and learned that this had become the child's drug of choice.

This was only the first episode for the mother to see her child high, come down after months (or longer) or use and then go through the withdrawal and then the clawing up out of the depths of meth hell to try to regain their life. This continued on for another two years until the mother finally could take no more and after feeling like she had exhausted all resources and efforts finally had to kick her child out of the house and in some ways, out of her life. This is where she learned that the only thing scarier than what is going on in your home with an addict is what is going on in your child's life/an addicts life outside your home.

Today, this mother is once again hoping for her child's recovery. Hope and her faith are all that she has and this is her story.



I grew up in a squeaky clean world. I was small town and I knew nothing of drugs. The worst thing my friends and I did back in the day was some underage drinking. Yes, there were drugs, marijuana, LSD and in the 80's cocaine was the drug of choice,  but drugs back then were nothing like today.

My mom was an intake nurse for a mental/rehab hospital in the late 80's and 90's and I remember all of the staff had to take classes on the "new" drug called methamphetamine that was starting to hit the streets of  our area. It was being brought in by both bikers and gangs that were moving in on our little midwest utopia, from California. The nursing staff were already starting to see more and more people coming in hooked on this street drug and mom and the other staff were highly alarmed at the rate in which this drug was taking over their patients.

When I met my husband, he was four years clean. He had gotten caught up in the drug world in his home state and had eventually left it and come to our state where he finally got clean. He had begun with weed and eventually moved on to coke and then began free basing it. Meth had only just come on the radar when he decided to get clean, but I remember in a conversation with him at some point, him talking about meth and how deadly he knew it was going to end up being. Because of his experiences, he spent a lot of time talking about the dangers of drugs and constantly told the kids, don't even start with weed because it is a gateway drug and before you know it.....it will turn into something you can't control. He died before he could see how prophetic his words would truly be.

Moving forward, I did my best to raise my kids and to keep their fathers words in mind. Unfortunately, with my lack of drug knowledge and the ever changing world of drugs in our schools, on our playgrounds and the glamorization of it in music, tv and society in general, I had no idea that my small words were not nearly enough to fight this huge monster called "the drug world." 

The first lesson I learned about drugs and my ownership of what was to come was that I was an ENABLER. An enabler is someone in a drug users life that makes it easy for them to do what they do. Whether it is giving them money, giving them too much freedom or giving them the excuses to do what they do. Making it easy for them to use is enabling and I was doing that long before I knew that drugs were even an issue. Sadly, I had been enabling my kids since the moment their dad passed away as I had felt so guilty that they were having to go through life without their dad. Somehow I got it into my head that I had to spend the rest of my life making their dad's death up to them and truly I think I believed that God left them with the inferior parent. Because of this, I spent all of my time, tying to "fix" anything broken, painful or out of place in their lives, thus....never allowing them the ability to stand on their own two feet and fix things for themselves. Looking back, I made the perfect breading ground for what was to come.

When the child started to change, I chalked it up to years of bullying and being lost and not knowing who they were. I also blamed their current relationship and the "stress" of life. I blamed everything except the child and their choices and I tried desperately to make excuses for things that were becoming more and more inexcusable. Funny enough, I spent a great deal of time watching Dr. Phil and seeing kids on his show which were doing, acting and saying the exact same things as my kid and yet I did not recognize what was looking me right in the face. My kid was into drugs! Denial is a powerful thing.

I eventually learned my kid was smoking weed. I despised it, and I fought against it with everything in me. I hated the smell and the way my kid was when they were high, which was happening more and more, but I had no idea how to stop it. I sent my kid to a therapist, who after seeing them one time and who I am sure was not made privy to the fact that the kid was smoking weed, put the child on Zoloft. Within a few days of taking Zoloft, the kid flipped out. I have no idea what all was behind this, but the kid went off the Zoloft and never went back to the therapist after a rather hateful phone conversation between the two. After all of this I told myself, well....it's only weed. Heck, I knew people my age that smoked weed and they functioned just fine and had productive lives. I hoped that if I just rode this out, that eventually it would just become something the child would lose their desire for.

Now this is where my husbands prophetic words of marijuana becoming a gateway drug come into play. I now don't think that he was referring to the effects of the drug becoming the gateway, but more the lifestyle. There is very definitely a lifestyle that comes with the use of any drug whether it is weed, pills, coke, meth, heroin or any of the stuff. It has to do with the people that start coming into a persons world. Yes, when you smoke weed, there is that "weed crowd" but there are also those who watch that crowd and who carefully and methodically pick out those who are susceptible to the selling and dealing and possibly moving on to more. Money is often the main persuader and with it, a certain amount of bad boy/girl notoriety as well as a constant supply of your drug of choice. Once they have you, you literally are sucked into a world  that comes with dangers, destruction of  relationships, family and in many many cases, ultimately death.

My kid was ripe for the picking and between their own issues of self worth, not knowing who they were as a person, my enabling and the people they were slowly letting in to their world, as Dr. Phil always says, "You don't ask why they are doing it, you ask why not."  My kid went from weed, to trying other drugs such as LSD, Ecstasy and other assorted "party favors" to meth and in no time, meth was their drug of choice first snorting, then smoking and ultimately shooting.

The drug world quickly enveloped the kid and soon any non-drug using friends from their past were gone. My kid only sought out "drug friends." I had the chance at one point to go through their phone and messages and social media. It was an enlightening albeit, terrifying experience as I saw a pointed and methodical attempt of this child to weed out (pardon the pun) anyone in their friends list who was not in the drug life. People they had known in high school and in everyday life were flat out being asked if they did or wanted drugs. Many messages went unreplied to and many of the old friends fell off the childs social media while many many "new" friends started appearing. This child whose circle had always been fairly small suddenly had lots and lots of new names and faces in their social media and most of those faces were not faces you would bring home and introduce to your family.

Suddenly the child was very involved in CraigsList, letgo, MeetMe and other buy/sell and social media sites as I soon learned where those heavy into the drug trade like to hide out in plain sight. Everything about the child was changing and suddenly I was seeing a rage and anger emerge that literally blind sided me. The kid who had always been fairly level headed and reasonable was suddenly unreasonable and volatile. Still, regardless of how verbally abusive or vile the child got, I tried to make excuses. I tried to find reasons for the behavior and gave chance after chance for the child to start fresh.

It didn't help that the child still had others in the dark also and was being given a steady stream of cash from family members that I begged on more than one occasion not to. Even though I was still heavily in denial about the true nature of what was going on in the childs life, I was smart enough to realize that the bad behaviors were partially being fueled by money and when all of the realities of both how much money had been handed to the child and what the child actually did with the money finally came to light, it was obvious that it was a miracle that the child was still alive.

The rest of the childs story is the childs alone to tell and someday maybe they will tell it. Hopefully their story is not only a cautionary tale, but also one of hope and ultimately success in coming out of the hell of the drug world and finding a new and better life. But again....that is the childs story. This is a mother's story.

As a mom of a child in the drug life, there is nothing but a long succession of days trapped in your own hell. From the start, even before you know what the facts are, you know something isn't right. You see the changes in a beautiful child that goes from positive to negative quite quickly. You see anger and rage and you hear things come of your childs mouth that you never dreamed possible. It gets to the point that you can't take them out in public and soon the neighbors hear the screaming, the yelling and all the hell you are living with starts to seep out and over. It as if all the good, the compassion and the caring that once resided in your child are gone and replaced by a vileness, lies and complete lack of empathy for anything. The lies though, they are the worst.

As a parent, you bring your child up with honesty and when you do this, often you don't question at first when the tides start to change. Even when stories don't always add up, you make excuses or unwittingly give them outs and chalk their dishonesty up to mistakes or misinformation. Eventually though, the lies get bigger and your gut literally screams at your brain to wake up and pay attention....something isn't right. Usually by this time, your child is pretty deeply involved in a world you know nothing about. In the end, you become lied to so much that the child could tell you the sky is blue and you would have to check to believe it.

I never wanted drugs in my world. I made a choice long ago that drugs were not what I wanted and even though I was very naive to what the drug world was like, I knew it was not something that I ever wanted touching my life and especially not the lives of my kids. When your child gets involved though, you have no choice and in some ways, your life becomes as ensconced as theirs. When they say that drugs don't just happen to the user but also the family, it is true. As a parent, you dive in and try to do anything and everything you can to save that child, which affects everyone in the home and family. You find yourself spending hours, days and weeks doing whatever you can to "fix" their habit, their life and their world....only to realize that 1) you can't and 2) so many other people and things in your life end up suffering because you spent so much time and effort trying to fix something you had no control over. This is devastating for a parent who feels they should be able to fix anything for their kids.

One of the hardest things on me was the people in my world who had begun to see what was going on and who were getting sick and tired of me allowing the child to continue to be abusive, destructive and spiral and me not take a stand. I was becoming a victim in my own world and victims are appealing to no one. Even those not privy to what exactly was going on with the child, were seeing that the childs behavior (whatever was behind it) was taking a decided toll on me and that I refused to "fix" my own situation, still enabling and denying and making too many excuses to count. My own friends were starting to back away from me and the situation, feeling helpless and powerless to do anything and refusing to watch the impending train wreck they knew was coming. Also, other family members who did know what was going on, were getting increasingly frustrated with me to the point of anger. They knew that short of out and out lying to them for the sake of the other child, I was evading and avoiding the truth to protect the child. They too saw what this was doing to me and they too were backing away in order to protect their own world from the fallout that they knew was coming.

I was in a place where few knew what was really going on and most I just didn't talk to. I became wrapped up in my own world feeling more and more lost and alone because I couldn't fix what was going on and I really had no one to share it with. Many was the time I wished that my husband was here to help us. I knew I was totally inadequate to fight this battle alone.

Now if you are wondering what lengths I went to, to get the child help, I'll tell you. I went to every length I could find. What I found was that there was no real help to be found in our local area as far as inpatient facilities go. Most local inpatient facilities require insurance which most addicts don't have. The very few that don't require insurance have waiting lists months out. It was frustrating to know that the few times the child would get so sick of the drugs and wanted help, that inpatient, which is what the child needed, was not an option. I had the child in everything from medical intake stays at the hospital in the hopes of getting an inpatient bed medically....only to be released in a matter of hours saying the child wasn't "bad enough" physically, to detox facilities where the child was offered more drugs, to out patient programs where the child refused to go because no one was there forcing them. Granted, I am not making excuses for the child as I know some of these options might have helped had the child been truly serious about getting help, but the life kept pulling the child back.

"The Life." Yes, I have learned it is very real. The life along with the drugs have a powerful pull. It is a world that is equal opportunity and doesn't care about your financial station in life, your color or your background. It takes on anyone and any lifestyle and leaves them all the same way.....broke, broken and addicted. Whatever the original appeal of the life is, it eventually loses it's appeal and like my child sucks the life out of them and everyone in their world who attempts to care. As a parent, the knowledge that your child has spent time in drug houses, with the worst of the worst kinds of people whose goal it is to keep your child addicted and in the life and even being homeless and sleeping on the streets, is heartbreaking to say the least.

I have seen my child go from small town kid to street addict in just a few years. I have learned drug terminology, drug usage and seen the end results of a 3-4 time a day shooting up addiction. I have  seen a side of life and the world that have forever changed me. The world I never wanted to touch me or mine has invaded us all and left us with scars I am still not sure I will ever heal from.

Over a year ago, I finally had to take the steps and kick the child out of my home. The child had become too toxic, too unpredictable and too damaging to our world,  and I prayed and hoped at the time that this sink or swim moment might turn their world around. Unfortunately the habit and the desire for what they thought "the life" was all about pulled them even deeper into this dark and destroying world. Add to that others who were just as ensconced but who tried to play both sides of the world, drug my child even further in all the while giving the family false information on the child feeding enough lies and deception to keep the kid out of the good graces of the family but not revealing how bad off the child was.

The life has apparently lost it's appeal and the addiction has taken a toll. The child broke and came to the family for help. I am mom. I am trying to help. Others are less receptive and completely distrusting of even this cry for help. The child remains at a distance from the family and out of the home, while I as mom, try every outlet to help the child find help. The sad part is, the child tells the stories of their addiction, the last year and all they have been through.....but the doubt lays heavily on my mind as to the true mindset of the child. I find myself questioning every word and wondering every second that I don't physically have them in my sights what they are doing and if I am once again being lied to for some unexplainable and methed out reason.

The child says they want a fresh start, a new beginning.....a life that doesn't include drugs. I am sick, unable to eat, to sleep or to focus on anything. Over the course of this disease, it has caused me to not only kick the child out of my home and my life, but to also mourn them as the child I once knew ceased to exist long ago. Now, this child is back and I have seen glimmers of the child I raised, the child before drugs and the life, but then I have to ask myself, is what I am seeing real or is it an act? Is my mind trying to play games with me only to fall back into the vicious cycle of lies and deceit and toxic destruction or could this possibly be real? It is a hell that is taking it's toll on me mentally and physically. And then again.....as a parent....when your child begs for help, do you ignore the cry or do what you can to help....within limits?

God knows that I want my child back. I want my child whole and healthy and since the past cannot be changed, I want these years of hell to have something positive pulled from them. I want my child to want to be clean and to be strong enough to fight for their life, because I can't want it for them and I can't make it happen for them. Only they can. I want my child to come out on the other side of this strong, healthy and with a new appreciation of life, family and most of all themselves. I want my child to be able to take all the the things they have learned and finally know who they are as a clean and sober person. That is what I want. What counts though, is what my child wants and sadly, my childs words mean little now. I have to see action.

I am tired. I am hurting and yes.....I am angry! I am angry that my child never thought more of themselves or this family than to take this road. I am angry that I enabled, denied and simply couldn't see what was right in front of my face. I am angry that this "life", this world of drugs and addiction exists and that everyday, some new person gets pulled into it. I am angry for the affect his has had on my home, my family and on myself. I am angry that I can drive downtown  and see hundreds of homeless and know that most of their stories are not that much different than my childs. I am angry that I couldn't do more and that my child didn't and I am angry that the necessary resources to help those that want the help just aren't always there.

So why would a mother write this? Why air her dirty laundry and put this out there for the world? Because for every child like this child, there are thousands more out there. Some haven't hit the life yet. Some are still lost and looking and as a parent, if you see anything out of the normal, don't be afraid to ask the questions, look through the phones and social media and get your child some help before it's too late. If however, you, like her, suddenly find yourself in a situation that was buried under enabling and denial and your kid is in, get help for yourself. Learning how to handle the situation can sometimes help you to help them. If this helps one person, one addict, one family member or friend...then that is why she writes this.

This story still goes unfinished. Don't get me wrong, I still hold out great hope for this child that  they still  know right from wrong, have a moral compass and empathy for others. I hope that this child has found their rock bottom and is ready to start climbing back up to a healthy life and if you are a praying person, I ask you to join your prayers to mine and pray not only for this child but for anyone's child who has fallen prey to the life. Hopefully in the end, this story will have a happy ending.

If you or someone you know is going through addiction with a friend, family member or yourself, please contact the National Helpline for Addiction. It can put you in touch with local resources and agencies.