Some years I remember to close out the year with a "so long to the year" blog and some years I don't. This year I remembered and made time to do just that. While this wasn't a stellar blogging year, I did better than some years but this year, I actually did more "living" than blogging.
My 2018 started with the flu then amped up to the fight of my life when I learned my son David and I might lose our house. I had to look at family differently and realize that family doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. It was a truly sad and trying time, but in the end....it all worked out. People keep saying "you saved your home," but that is false. My friends, neighbors, community and complete strangers saved my home, I just humbled myself to a groveling position and spent four months praying and literally begging for a miracle. I got one and in that four months I changed so much. I found what it was really like to be embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't support my family and keep a roof over our heads. I learned what it meant to humble myself as low as I could possibly go and have to rely on the generosity of others to save my son and I. I also learned how much people around us love David and that there is still real kindness left in the world. Most of all though, I learned forgiveness. It was a huge lesson all the way around.
In April, David went through his scariest surgery to date and hopefully his last major one. He had rods put into spine from neck to pelvis due to his scoliosis brought on by his cerebral palsy. Previous to this surgery, I thought his hip surgeries were the worst thing he had gone through, but the verbal prep for this surgery scared me to death. We were told it would be at least a 6 hour surgery with at least 48 hours in PICU and then 7-10 days on the peds unit. David and long surgeries usually are a bad combination so when we went in that April morning, I was prepared for the very worst. His surgery was over in an hour and a half, he was in PICU over night and we were home from the hospital in 4 days. Everyone was shocked at how easy and quick his recovery was. He was even able to do a week of school before school was out. Yes, God was very good to us.
While time between April and July was pretty mundane, I was able to accomplish a lot on my house and I had a new found pride in it and love for it now that is was truly our forever home. Then in July the rug was pulled out from under me when I realized my middle son was a full on meth addict and not just using, but shooting up. My world once again was turned upside down and inside out and I had no idea how to correct it. I spent several weeks trying to fix, manipulate and control my son and his addiction until the day that I realized that I was running on fumes and if I didn't do something drastic, "I" might not survive his addiction. July 28th I found Al-Anon and my world took a decided change for the better.
Since July, I have found new focus and a peace that I don't think I have had in a very long time. I found a way to love my addicted son and not enable him and I have found a much healthier way to look at my entire world.
Life hasn't been exactly easy since July as there have been custody court dates with my older son and frivolous PFA's thrown in to keep us all on our toes. There was learning a friend wasn't really a friend and finding out that I had been stolen from and had my trust shaken to the core. Still though, I was learning how to handle it all and that some things I just simply had to let go of.
In August, David started back to school again and my granddaughter started kindergarten. Life was moving on and I was moving forward. I continued to grow emotionally and spiritually and I was learning how to mind my own business and focus on what I could control....ME!
When November rolled around, I started a new blog....To Hell and Back an Al-Anon Mom's Story. It was my therapy and a little bit of service too. I tried to keep my attachment to it under wraps as it was as much my son's addiction story as it was mine and I wanted to be respectful.
In December, my son publicly posted on facebook that he was an addict and was trying to find his way into recovery. At that point I was free to post my new blog as my own.
Christmas this year was monetarily a frugal one as our gift was our home and this was the first time for me to pay property tax. That being said though, knowing that the money wasn't there for gifts gave me the opportunity to be creative and rather have a tree full of gifts, I only gave a few gifts that were special and from the heart. This year I gave of myself and gave gifts such as babysitting for special nights out, helping on projects and just being there as a mom and grandma whenever I can. It occurred to me that my family won't remember the expensive toy or game that I might have bought them after I am gone, but they will remember the story I read to them 100 times over or the time I spent with them on projects and shared time. Having a Christmas like this gave me so much less stress and so much more time and I truly found joy in Christmas this year.
So here we are, December 31, 2018 and a new year is quickly coming in. This year as I say goodbye, I don't feel the usual regret of what wasn't accomplished or what I should have done. No....this year I look back and feel like even through the worst of times this year, there was joy. There was a renewed sense of self and new found respect for the kindness and generosity of others. I learned so much about who I am and I know that I still have a lifetime of stuff yet to learn. This was a year of faith, priorities and acceptance like never before. It was a year that I will never forget and that I will forever be grateful for.
Going into the new year, there are no big resolutions or self promises. Instead, I am going to head into the new year just as I am leaving the old one.....one step at a time.
So good bye 2018....you were one of the good ones,
Happy New Year everyone. See you next year!
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