The Art of Being Nice.... as a Facebook Admin

 

You know, we hear a lot about being kind and I think that any more kindness is huge, especially after everything we have all been through in the last few years. What we don't talk much about, however, is just being plain old nice. 

Yes, there is a difference between being kind and being nice. When you are kind, it usually has to do with specifics, but being nice should be a day-by-day, minute-by-minute thing. An example is social media. From time to time I see people reach out and be kind, especially when a crisis of some sort has occurred, but what I don't seem to see a lot of, is people just being nice on the regular.  

I am an admin on quite a few Facebook pages with varying themes and issues. Two of the pages I admin are local pages for my hometown. Now one of those pages runs like a dream. In fact, in all the years I have admined it, I can count on one hand with fingers left over, the times anyone has gotten out of line or been rude on that page. On the other hand, the other local page is often a free-for-all of adults trying to outdo themselves with rudeness, hatefulness, and downright disrespect. Literally, someone can say "the sky is blue," and you will have dozens of comments arguing and contradicting over what color "they" think the sky truly is. Add in a twenty-something kid or two who are bored and like to troll for his/her own amusement, and we have had some pretty interesting moments in this group. It has been going on for years. 

Now don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, because I dearly love this group and it can be downright hilarious at times watching fully grown adults (no kids are allowed for obvious reasons) name call each other, over talk each other, and finally resort to all kinds of playground nouns that at times would make a sailor blush. In the beginning, I used to try to have some rules which for the most part, toned the behaviors down, but about two years ago, I got tired of trying to tell adults how to behave properly. I mean goodness knows, if their mama's and daddies couldn't teach them how to behave, then common sense said, my rules didn't stand a chance. 

The group page has somewhere close to 5000 people, and since we are a small town and I have lived here for well over 40 years, I either know everyone on the page personally or at the very least, through their longtime interaction in the group and trust me, this group has a little bit over every kind of human  residing in its little microcosm. Over the years, I have had some form of interaction with almost everyone in the group, and saying this, there is absolutely not one person that I can honestly say, I don't like. This brings me to the purpose of this blog. 

Last night in said group, there was a bit of a dust-up, funny enough, started by me, in a truly innocent way, that ended up hitting one of the group members wrong and then by extension, one of her friends. Before it was all said and done though, I tried to put myself in the offended person's shoes, owned my part which I was still a little foggy on, apologized, and then moved on. Of course, this is never the end of anything in this group. For the next hour or so, I had numerous people messaging me and letting me know how they felt about the whole thing. Turns out, no one else seemed to feel that I posted anything rude, which eased my mind a bit, but if one perceived it as rude, then I as admin did what I needed to calm the waters and promote momentary peace.  At any rate, it was a long night and this morning I found a funny meme with a smiling face mask, being pulled off the exhausted face of Jane Jetson (don't ask, just look her up), with the caption, Me after a long day of pretending to like people. My own comment was "I really do like all of you (most days)," with a sarcastically smiling emoji. It was a joke of course and most took it the way it was intended, but there is always one whose perception is just a little bit different........

One person, of course, took it as me being two-faced I guess and was not afraid to bring that to my attention. I was on the treadmill at the gym when I read it, and I laughed so hard I nearly fell off the dang thing and caused several to look and see if the wheezing I was doing was cause for alarm. It never ceases to amaze me what people can read into things, but then again, that's what makes us all unique I guess. 

One thing for sure about being the admin of a lively, outspoken group is that you must have extremely thick skin. Blessedly I do, thanks to my upbringing and my dad's "nicknames." I am pretty dang hard to upset, offend or make mad, but it is not because some in this group have not tried. Let's just say that the whole me liking everyone in the group is not always reciprocated.....and you know what? That is perfectly okay.  

What others think of me is seldom an issue. What God might think of me, what my family thinks of me (most of them anyway), and what I think of me, are all I worry about. That being said though, if someone is so angry at me or my words that they come after me, then I usually try to dig a little deeper and find out why. No, not because I want them to like me, but because most people are angry and hateful because they don't feel listened to or respected and thus they lash out. While lashing out, they give no real details other than to tell me I am "rude", "hateful" or some other equally sweet adjective. So then I start asking them what they think about the subject at hand, or maybe explain my own words a little more carefully. This lets them know that I actually care about what they think and feel and whether they like me or not,  I really do care what they think about the subject at hand. I believe this is called being nice and I have taken crap for that too. 

When I talk to people in everyday life, whether it is social media or face to face, I always try to communicate in the same way that I myself would wish to be communicated with. I try never to be aggressive and always to be respectful because, in my experience, people tend to shut down and quit listening after the first f-you. I also try to listen before I speak, because little fun fact, my opinion is not always right and if I listen before I start running my mouth, then I might just save myself from embarrassment and another public apology. This, however, does not always mean that when I do speak that I will agree with them, and I will likely tell them that, but I try hard to do it in a way where they can hear me and understand that I simply feel differently. Oh, and just because I don't agree with someone, doesn't mean I don't like them. Liking someone and agreeing with them are not mutually exclusive. I find that many adults have not quite grasped that concept yet. 

There are also cases, where I speak my mind, maybe even bluntly, with no intended disrespect involved. Just because others don't agree, doesn't mean I will change my stance to appease them, but it also doesn't mean I will insult or belittle them for feeling differently. 

The hardest thing though is when I post something and someone reads something insulting or "rude" into the post that was never intended. It would be nice to think that those in the group have known me long enough to know that rude and hateful just aren't my thing, but that is never a given. It then does me no good to say, "I didn't intend to be rude" because let's face it, perception is all that matters. It then becomes a bit of a tightrope to navigate the waters between the perceived and the intended. It usually always ends up with me apologizing for their perception. 

Now don't get me wrong. I am no saint and there have definitely been times that my fingers have typed faster and more aggressively than my brain. For the most part, though, I realized a long time ago, that if you want to be talked to with respect, then you show respect. You also don't have to like everyone you come in contact with, but why be hateful just because someone else is not your cup of tea? Because of this, I try to put myself in other's shoes and maybe see things from their point of view, even if I don't agree with them. I will never name-call, or insult and I try to speak only after I have listened. I do all of this because if I want to see change, then I have to be the change. Some days I am better at it than others. 

As for my beloved group. Yes, I say beloved, because, to me, they truly are. The group has quiet ones that seldom post but always read, cranky oldsters, twenty-somethings who think that their trolling is absolutely the funniest thing, gossips, gripers, and nosey old souls who simply show up for the drama. Each and every one of them has made me smile at one time or another, and all of them are good-hearted and generous, even if their group posts don't always indicate it. The quiet ones will always just show up when they know they are needed, the cranky oldsters will give you real-world advice, the twenty-something trolls will mow your yard, pull your car out of a ditch or help bail water in a flood. The gossips will always make sure that if someone is in need, then everyone knows and shows up to help, the gripers will gripe until something gets done, and the nosey old souls will make sure that we are all safe. I find something wonderful about each of them and they are why I love being the admin to the group. 

I guess what I am trying to say is, it is possible to be a Facebook admin and be nice. It is also possible to post in general on Facebook and be nice. It is possible to disagree with someone and be nice and it is quite possible to just be a nice human being on the regular. 

May you all have a wonderful weekend and a very Happy Easter. Until next time.......