Toxic Family Traits

I believe I have mentioned before that although I post a great deal about David, there is much that goes on in my world that I never speak socially about. I say this here and now for two reasons. Right now there is a lot going on in my world and it is giving me B-I-G feelings and emotions, because of this, I may find myself blogging more. Yes, it is my therapy. 

The second reason I mention this is because when you live in a home with numerous people, sometimes there can't help but be drama and even trauma. It at times makes me crazy, frustrated and down right cranky, but if I pay attention, sometimes I learn things. Sometimes it is about others, sometimes it is about myself and sometimes it is a combination of the two. The last few days have been the latter. 

Now let me introduce you to myself. Well actually, lets go further back and let me introduce you to my mother. My mother was an amazing woman, but she was not a saint. Like all of us human beings, she had her quirks and issues. One thing though is that my mom didn't have the time or patience for anything that she considered inactivity or nonsense. Translated that means, if you were laying around looking lazy, you needed to get up and do something. Nothing was solved by doing nothing. And nonsense was anything that wasn't productive and/or healing which could be anything from a breakup with a boyfriend to simply being in a bad mood and having a bad day. If she or I fought, then we immediately had to get to the bottom of the problem and fix it then and there, even if it took all night. If there was a problem, then it had to be discussed, put into perspective as to how much of a problem it was and then fixed so we could move on. 

I never really thought much about any of this growing up and never did I think about the fact that I was given no time to process a situation. All I knew was that there was no time in my moms world for nonsense, and pretty much, everything was nonsense. 

My mom conducted her own life the same way. The only time I remember her not sprinting through one of her own problems was when she fell and broke her leg, ankle and foot and she was afraid she would never walk again. Even then though, she only allowed herself two weeks of a pity party and then she immediately put her situation and her leg into perspective, and then was on her way to fixing it. Within a few short months, she was up and walking and doing what the doctors feared she never might. So this is how I was raised and honestly, I knew no other way. 

Looking back on my mom now, I think this way of dealing with life was the only way she could survive. She was a single mom raising two kids. She was always busy and always dealing with something and my dad always let her know that if anything happened on her watch, it was her problem. I think she was under tremendous pressure and thus, she had no time for laziness or nonsense. 

I guess it only makes sense that some of this transferred to me and how I deal with things. I know that I have always tried to be a fixer in relationships and in life, so if there was a problem I was determined to fix it. How do I fix things? With words of course. Lots of words. Even with my friends when I was young, if there was a problem, I was either on the phone trying to talk it out, or I was penning a note baring my soul and trying to get to the bottom of the issue. My husband was much the same way which at times resulted in some long talks and late nights. 

With my kids, whenever there was a problem, just like my mom, I always wanted to get to the bottom of it immediately. I gave no time for decompression or thought. I would instantly be trying to find out the who, what, where and why of it all, and to "fix" things. Sometimes they would talk, but for the most part, I just unwittingly made the problem worse as they were both the kind of humans who needed time for thought and process and sometimes, just to be mad. I truly didn't understand the mind set of holding onto the negative any longer than necessary and that would frustrate me. I am sure, looking back that many fights we had could have been resolved much sooner or avoided altogether if I had simply not needed to fix things. 

Having 20/20 hindsight now, I am sure that my need to fix everyone and everything around me, resulted from what I saw and learned from my mom and was later exacerbated by the death of my husband. I couldn't fix his loss, so I went into overdrive trying to fix (and maybe control) everything else (including the feelings and emotions of my kids). 

It wasn't until my son became an addict and I went to Al-Anon, that I saw the negativity for both my kids and myself that trying to fix everything was causing. I was standing in the way of any true healing that they themselves could do by trying to force immediate conversation and not allowing them to feel, process and heal in their own way. Once this all sunk in, for a long while I was able to focus on myself and the things that needed fixing in my own world, and leave the rest of the world alone, It was downright peaceful for awhile. 

Over the last couple of years though, my need to fix has reared its ugly head again. I will say it is nowhere near where it once was, but it is bursting through the surface again, and let me just say, it is still not as helpful as I think it will be in my mind. Why am I doing this again? My guess is that there has been a great deal of stress and the catalyst I believe was others drawing me into their issues and looking for me to fix them. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with other adults, in most cases, those adults hold their own fixes for their situations. Often the answers and fixes aren't easy or pleasant so they draw others in looking for faster, less difficult fixes, which almost never work out and I end up getting the blame. Sadly though, "fixing" and words to do so by, are like crack to me. It doesn't take much and I can jump into another's issue just by hearing the simple words, "What do I do? How can I fix this?" And in the last couple of days, I didn't even need to hear the words. I simply jumped in. 

Let's face it. None of us is perfect. We all have our flaws and less than stellar traits, but trust me when I say, nothing can shine a blindingly bright light on those traits quicker than your own child. After three attempts at "fixing" in the last couple of days, my fixing was thrown right back in my face, only guess what? In his vision of his not so saintly mother, he didn't consider what I was doing as trying to fix anything. He considered it bullying, pushing and not allowing him to process or if necessary, not even think about the situation. 

WHAT? You have a problem and you don't think it into the ground and then fix it?! Apparently that is the case with a lot of people, especially of the male species. He then ended it with the real zinger. He informed me that part of his issue was that he pushed too and he bullied "to fix things" with issues in his own life and it was a terrible trait. He said he was just like me and it was my fault he was because that was the way I had raised him. WHOA! 

What do you say when their words sting clear to your core and yet you know that there is a lot of truth in what he says. I did raise him like that, because I was raised like that. I envisioned myself as a "helper" for a good many years, but the fact was, my help was at times, anything but. In fact, perhaps this particular trait of fixing that I had forced down their throats was more toxic than anything. OUCH!

This has made me step back and reevaluate a bit. Just like when I first realized this in Al-Anon years back, his words brought me right back to the realization that I can't fix anyone but me and everyone is in charge of their own problems. I have to let them figure things out for themselves. Oh and it also dawned on me that I might need to hit a meeting every now and again. 

So the point of all of this? I know that I am not alone. I know there are lots of us brought up a certain way, that proceed in life the way we were taught, only to find out that what was our norm, is viewed as someone elses toxic family trait. It is a kick in the pants to realize it, but actually in this case, as I have processed it today, it has actually taken some pressure off me. In this moment, I no longer feel that because they live in my house, that it means I have to step in and fix things. Their problems are theirs and if I stay focused on me (and David of course), maybe their problems will be fixed by them in a much quicker and healing fashion. Whatever the case though, we all have problems and finding our own solutions and fixes is what makes us stronger and grow as human beings. And maybe, my son has found his own realization in his own behaviors and will not repeat this toxic trait with his own kids. We can only hope. 

Until next time...........