Toxic Family Traits

I believe I have mentioned before that although I post a great deal about David, there is much that goes on in my world that I never speak socially about. I say this here and now for two reasons. Right now there is a lot going on in my world and it is giving me B-I-G feelings and emotions, because of this, I may find myself blogging more. Yes, it is my therapy. 

The second reason I mention this is because when you live in a home with numerous people, sometimes there can't help but be drama and even trauma. It at times makes me crazy, frustrated and down right cranky, but if I pay attention, sometimes I learn things. Sometimes it is about others, sometimes it is about myself and sometimes it is a combination of the two. The last few days have been the latter. 

Now let me introduce you to myself. Well actually, lets go further back and let me introduce you to my mother. My mother was an amazing woman, but she was not a saint. Like all of us human beings, she had her quirks and issues. One thing though is that my mom didn't have the time or patience for anything that she considered inactivity or nonsense. Translated that means, if you were laying around looking lazy, you needed to get up and do something. Nothing was solved by doing nothing. And nonsense was anything that wasn't productive and/or healing which could be anything from a breakup with a boyfriend to simply being in a bad mood and having a bad day. If she or I fought, then we immediately had to get to the bottom of the problem and fix it then and there, even if it took all night. If there was a problem, then it had to be discussed, put into perspective as to how much of a problem it was and then fixed so we could move on. 

I never really thought much about any of this growing up and never did I think about the fact that I was given no time to process a situation. All I knew was that there was no time in my moms world for nonsense, and pretty much, everything was nonsense. 

My mom conducted her own life the same way. The only time I remember her not sprinting through one of her own problems was when she fell and broke her leg, ankle and foot and she was afraid she would never walk again. Even then though, she only allowed herself two weeks of a pity party and then she immediately put her situation and her leg into perspective, and then was on her way to fixing it. Within a few short months, she was up and walking and doing what the doctors feared she never might. So this is how I was raised and honestly, I knew no other way. 

Looking back on my mom now, I think this way of dealing with life was the only way she could survive. She was a single mom raising two kids. She was always busy and always dealing with something and my dad always let her know that if anything happened on her watch, it was her problem. I think she was under tremendous pressure and thus, she had no time for laziness or nonsense. 

I guess it only makes sense that some of this transferred to me and how I deal with things. I know that I have always tried to be a fixer in relationships and in life, so if there was a problem I was determined to fix it. How do I fix things? With words of course. Lots of words. Even with my friends when I was young, if there was a problem, I was either on the phone trying to talk it out, or I was penning a note baring my soul and trying to get to the bottom of the issue. My husband was much the same way which at times resulted in some long talks and late nights. 

With my kids, whenever there was a problem, just like my mom, I always wanted to get to the bottom of it immediately. I gave no time for decompression or thought. I would instantly be trying to find out the who, what, where and why of it all, and to "fix" things. Sometimes they would talk, but for the most part, I just unwittingly made the problem worse as they were both the kind of humans who needed time for thought and process and sometimes, just to be mad. I truly didn't understand the mind set of holding onto the negative any longer than necessary and that would frustrate me. I am sure, looking back that many fights we had could have been resolved much sooner or avoided altogether if I had simply not needed to fix things. 

Having 20/20 hindsight now, I am sure that my need to fix everyone and everything around me, resulted from what I saw and learned from my mom and was later exacerbated by the death of my husband. I couldn't fix his loss, so I went into overdrive trying to fix (and maybe control) everything else (including the feelings and emotions of my kids). 

It wasn't until my son became an addict and I went to Al-Anon, that I saw the negativity for both my kids and myself that trying to fix everything was causing. I was standing in the way of any true healing that they themselves could do by trying to force immediate conversation and not allowing them to feel, process and heal in their own way. Once this all sunk in, for a long while I was able to focus on myself and the things that needed fixing in my own world, and leave the rest of the world alone, It was downright peaceful for awhile. 

Over the last couple of years though, my need to fix has reared its ugly head again. I will say it is nowhere near where it once was, but it is bursting through the surface again, and let me just say, it is still not as helpful as I think it will be in my mind. Why am I doing this again? My guess is that there has been a great deal of stress and the catalyst I believe was others drawing me into their issues and looking for me to fix them. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with other adults, in most cases, those adults hold their own fixes for their situations. Often the answers and fixes aren't easy or pleasant so they draw others in looking for faster, less difficult fixes, which almost never work out and I end up getting the blame. Sadly though, "fixing" and words to do so by, are like crack to me. It doesn't take much and I can jump into another's issue just by hearing the simple words, "What do I do? How can I fix this?" And in the last couple of days, I didn't even need to hear the words. I simply jumped in. 

Let's face it. None of us is perfect. We all have our flaws and less than stellar traits, but trust me when I say, nothing can shine a blindingly bright light on those traits quicker than your own child. After three attempts at "fixing" in the last couple of days, my fixing was thrown right back in my face, only guess what? In his vision of his not so saintly mother, he didn't consider what I was doing as trying to fix anything. He considered it bullying, pushing and not allowing him to process or if necessary, not even think about the situation. 

WHAT? You have a problem and you don't think it into the ground and then fix it?! Apparently that is the case with a lot of people, especially of the male species. He then ended it with the real zinger. He informed me that part of his issue was that he pushed too and he bullied "to fix things" with issues in his own life and it was a terrible trait. He said he was just like me and it was my fault he was because that was the way I had raised him. WHOA! 

What do you say when their words sting clear to your core and yet you know that there is a lot of truth in what he says. I did raise him like that, because I was raised like that. I envisioned myself as a "helper" for a good many years, but the fact was, my help was at times, anything but. In fact, perhaps this particular trait of fixing that I had forced down their throats was more toxic than anything. OUCH!

This has made me step back and reevaluate a bit. Just like when I first realized this in Al-Anon years back, his words brought me right back to the realization that I can't fix anyone but me and everyone is in charge of their own problems. I have to let them figure things out for themselves. Oh and it also dawned on me that I might need to hit a meeting every now and again. 

So the point of all of this? I know that I am not alone. I know there are lots of us brought up a certain way, that proceed in life the way we were taught, only to find out that what was our norm, is viewed as someone elses toxic family trait. It is a kick in the pants to realize it, but actually in this case, as I have processed it today, it has actually taken some pressure off me. In this moment, I no longer feel that because they live in my house, that it means I have to step in and fix things. Their problems are theirs and if I stay focused on me (and David of course), maybe their problems will be fixed by them in a much quicker and healing fashion. Whatever the case though, we all have problems and finding our own solutions and fixes is what makes us stronger and grow as human beings. And maybe, my son has found his own realization in his own behaviors and will not repeat this toxic trait with his own kids. We can only hope. 

Until next time...........

Violence Begets Violence?

I live in a small town and there are many wonderful things about small towns. The downside is, everything and everyone are under a microscope. People usually know what you are doing before you do. It is just the nature of the beast.

One thing that our small town has that it seems every town has, large and small....is a bullying problem. I know I have talked about this before, but since the problem seems to continue, I guess it is worth more than just a mention.

Our school district, like many districts anymore, has a zero tolerance policy on bullying. I believe it goes something like, if you are "caught" bullying, you are suspended and if the act is heinous enough, possibly even expelled. Zero tolerance. Except...it's a wishy washy policy that often times the bullied is the one who ends up suffering the consequences while the bully skates by, free to bully another day. How....you ask?! Because bullies aren't stupid. They know the school policies so they bully under the radar of staff and administration and unless staff and administration actually "see" the act, apparently nothing can be done. There is also the little talked about fact that at times, staff and administration are also the target of bullies and once this happens, well you can imagine. The inmates start running the asylum.

There is a Facebook page in our town where people can discuss town issues. One issue that seems to constantly stay at the forefront of discussion is bullying. It is sadly happening from kindergarten right on up through high school and parents are frustrated that administration is not listening or doing anything about this. We have kids bullied to the point of trying to commit suicide and still the problem remains and ever growing issue. Why? I have my theory, but first I want to discuss the bully vs. the bullied.

The bully is a kid that regardless of how popular, good looking or smart they are, feels insecure and not at all as the world see's them. Because they feel so horrible about themselves, they feel the need to go after others and they get some perverse satisfaction out of making others feel as horrible as they do. The bully is a kid who has everything except what he/she craves the most.....attention. They go after that attention anyway they can with the attitude that any attention is better than no attention at all. Add to that, many of these kids have parents that live by the mantra..."my kid would never" when in reality their kid is not only doing it but is also the ring leader, and you have a kid who knows they can get away with anything. And finally, the bully is a kid who has never been taught that others matter. They are not empathetic in the least and quite probably are one of the most shallow, self involved, narcissistic individuals you will ever meet. They feel entitled to act anyway they choose, they are two faced and hold no relationships close to them. They don't have friends, they have followers and they are cunning enough to know when, where and to whom they can put on the charm, whether it be teachers, parents or anyone else they are trying to manipulate. They lie as easily as they breathe and they have no remorse for their negative actions regardless of who gets hurt or how they hurt them. It is not a pretty picture and I bet as you read this, you know at least one person that has one or more of these qualities. You know a bully.

Now the bullied. The bullied is someone who is viewed as weak. In reality though, the bullied is usually a rule follower who believes that IF they follow the rules, they will be taken care of. In other words, they believe that if someone bullies them, that if they go to their teachers or principal and tell them what is going on, that the issue will be taken care of. They have been brought up to believe that you don't or can't fight back so you must sit back and wait for someone to take care of or save you. When they do tell what is going on and nothing is done, then they are viewed as a "snitch" and usually they become an even bigger target. Eventually they just give up and quit telling.

Sadly, anymore with the internet and social media, bullying is no longer just a school yard issue. Bullying follows kids wherever they go whether it be Facebook, twitter or Instagram and what is said about them is forever out in the internet world. Kids are not emotionally equipped to handle this kind of personal terrorism, so it is no wonder so many kids choose to kill themselves when they are harassed day and night and no one listens.

So with all of this going on in our little town and all across the country, I asked a question on Facebook today. I asked:

"If a kid were bullying another kid and being sneaky about it around adults or authority and the kid kept the bullying up...do you think the bullying would stop if the bullied kid suddenly punched the kid and knocked them to the ground telling them that if it happened again, they would end up on the ground again?"

I wanted to know if people would be honest and if people felt that standing up to a bully might stop at least some of the bullying kids now face. The answer overwhelmingly was YES, kids need to stand up to a bully. Some of the answers came from people who had been bullied themselves and many came from parents who felt that regardless of the consequences, i.e. possible suspension, that their kids needed to stand up and fight if necessary to stop themselves or others from being bullied. Among these answers, there was one who said, "No...violence begets violence."

Honestly, I was surprised that there weren't more that felt this way, but since I was asking for opinions, I respected the fact that among all those that felt the complete opposite she spoke up and said No! And truthfully, I do in a way see where she is coming from. We live in a world where every news cast, every paper and a majority of the headlines that come into our news feed all have to do with violence of some sort. We live in a violent world and I am sure, to her, this sounded like more violence. Unfortunately, sometimes in this world in order to survive, you have to fight fire with fire.

So now my theory. I know you were sitting on the edge of your seat just waiting for it. Okay...my theory is this:

We have become a world where we expect "someone" from our parents, to our teachers, to our government to take care of us....regardless of our age or circumstances. We have become a weak society and because of this, we forget that we actually hold a great deal of power.

When I was growing up, my parents taught me that if someone bullies you, you have every right to fight back. Teachers and principals used to live by this standard too. I remember telling a teacher one time when I was about first grade that a boy had pinched me. She looked at me and said...."Go pinch him back." The boy was standing right there and I did pinch him, right in front of her. You know what? He never pinched me again. You know why? Because he knew that I would pinch him back and most bullies will not mess with someone that fights back. They prey on the weak.

I think if more parents empowered their children and taught them to first use their words to fight back (I have talked myself out of a few bullying situations) and then if that doesn't work, to literally fight fire with fire, there would be a whole lot less bullying. That empowerment and confidence then stays with them their entire life, and that is so important because we all know that there are going to be bullies all throughout our lives whether it be bosses, spouses or just abusive people in our world who see us as a weak and easy target. We have to teach our kids that the world is not going to protect them, it is up to them to stand up for themselves and yes......sometimes fight.

Bullying in our society has gotten way out of hand and a zero tolerance policy is only as good as the people who enforce it. I say, teach your kids to stand up for themselves. Will this get them suspended? Possibly, but the likelihood of them getting bullied by that kid again when they get back in school became much less.

Words hold a lot of power and sometimes they are all that is necessary to get you out of a bad situation. Other times though, a bully needs to be shown that you are not afraid and that they hold no power over you. If that takes a punch in the nose, then so be it. It is not the end of the world and more than one punch in the nose has been the start of a long and lasting friendship.

Man in the Mirror

It is Friday the 13^th! Since I am not in the least bit superstitious…..I have no real worries on this day.  However…I hear Mulvane High School may have a problem. Apparently they have been inundated with…………..Zombies! Normally I would ignore such a crazy rumor…BUT last night I saw them with my own eyes! They were fantastic. MHS is putting on their spring theater production of Night of the Living Dead. Parents of the cast and crew were treated to their very own night and I must say……I was not disappointed. I was also rather impressed with my own personal zombie. He seemed to get into the role quite comfortably complete with undead movements and low guttural growls. He did good! They all did in fact! If you don’t have anything going on tonight or tomorrow night and are in the mood for a little scary/campy fun…..you really need to head to MHS and see Night of the Living Dead!!!!!

Okay…..moves soapbox to center stage and jumps up on it! I am mad! No….I am beyond mad! I am angry and frustrated and I guess ultimately disappointed. I am going to pose the same question to you that I posted on fb. The question is: Have you ever been bullied? As a kid? As an adult? Or how about this....have you ever bullied? Now all that replied (and there were quite a few) were adults. Most everyone who replied had at one time or another been bullied. Some were bullied as kids in school, some at home and some as adults in the workplace. ALSO….many admitted that they too had bullied at least once in their lives. If bullying is put into perspective and definitions are put into place….I would almost bet those numbers would go up.

Someone once told me that bullying was subjective and that people chose to be offended or not. I was really rather shocked at such a simplistic statement and had to wonder if in fact this person was not a lifelong bully himself. Granted….we can choose how we allow someone or something (even bullying) to affect us, but bullying is in my opinion a little more defined than that. Also….there have always been bullies. You are always going to run into people that are so unhappy and so insecure in their own skin, their own life and their own sexuality that they have to pass that unhappiness and insecurity along to others. But today….it just seems like bullying has taken on a whole new life of its own….especially in the schools. And while I have a pretty good understanding of where it comes from and why…..I have to ask….when are we going to take steps to make it stop?!

I live in a small community with many people I have known for decades. I was bullied in school. Middle school was the worst of it. Back then bullying mostly consisted of name calling, backstabbing and gossip amongst the girls and pushing and shoving amongst the boys. In most cases a girl would hate you and talk about you behind your back and call you names to your face one day and by weeks end….she would have moved on to someone new. The guys often times would push and shove and maybe call a name or two until one or the others teen hormones boiled over. Usually there was a fist fight and then by weeks end the boys were buds again….the fight was forgotten and life moved on.  Only once do I remember a situation getting out of hand. There was a girl who was both a jock and popular. She hung with our version of the “cool” kids and she seemed to have her place in the social stratosphere of school. I have no idea what set it off or why her friends turned on her….but they did with a vengeance. This poor girl was so ostracized that she turned to my social group for comfort (and believe me…..as social groups go....I am sure to her we were a huge step down the ladder.) We accepted her….heck we accepted everyone. Our world though….was not hers and her previous social group were not happy with her finding solace anywhere…so they bullying continued. Finally it got so bad that this girl was to the point of at least threatening bodily harm to herself. This is where our gym teacher stepped in. I remember her calling all of us girls in and reading us the riot act over how this girl was being treated and how we treated each other. Apparently the message took, because by days end our group had lost its newest member as she happily was welcomed back into her old clique....and the bullying never seemed to get out of hand again. Don’t get me wrong….there was still gossipy stuff, and girls stealing other girls guy fights, and even a little nastiness from time to time….but never again was the line crossed by our girls where someone was pushed so far. Reading my fb answers though…..some of the people who were in different classes than myself, but still at our school, ended up with a much different experience. Many felt bullied, humiliated and cast out by their fellow students their entire jr. high and high school years. My question here is….why didn’t someone step in and stop this? Why didn’t just one teacher (not unlike our own gym teacher) stand up and say ENOUGH! Why didn’t another student stand up and say STOP! Do teachers feel that boys should be able to handle it better than girls? Do teachers feel that kids need to work these things out for themselves….or are teachers simply afraid that if they step in…..that they too will be bullied?

Of course....if you have read my blog for any period of time....you might surmise that this particular subject stems from experiences at school....that Z has had. While this year has been much better than his middle school experiences....the bullying is far from over. In middle school Z was bullied to the point of being in tears every day he had to go to school. And the bullying went much farther than just a little name calling. Practically every day of school Z was threatened, shoved, pushed, called a fag, hit and made fun of in some way. One kid told him he wished Z were dead and another started a rumor that Z killed his dad (Z's dad died of a brain aneurysm when Z was five.....he was alone in the house with his dad when it happened!) Z was at the end of his rope and much of this was happening and he wasn't telling anyone.....not even me. Finally it came to a head and he just exploded. When I realized what was happening....the school and I collided.  And here is where the schools stand:1) Over half the kids that are bullied in school never report it and if it is not reported....nothing can be done. 2) If the teachers/principals don't see it happen.....then it becomes one students word against another and sides cannot be taken. Therefore....if a kid reports another student bullying them....and that student denies it, basically nothing can be done unless the bully is seen or caught by others. This means the bully gets off scott free and the kid who was being bullied usually gets bullied twice as bad for telling. Great system....huh? Sadly though....with the way the world is today.....I kind of understand it. 

I ended up pulling Z out to go to Eschool (online school) for a year and a half...and life went on. Z actually thrived in his school work because he didn't dread doing it every day and he could actually spend his time on school work and not worry about who was lurking behind every corner or who was going to go after him physically or verbally. 

This year (his freshman year) has been much better for Z. He chose to go back to school and he has become friends with alot of kids. He has excelled in his passion of music and theater and has done his best to find his place in the big world called high school. His hs classification is probably theater geek or music nerd which he wears proudly. Unfortunately even in the somewhat matured world of hs.....bullying is alive and well and apparently Z is once again a target. He says rarely a day goes by that he is not called a fag or assorted other names. And he has spent more time in the office fending off false stories that have been started about him than he has actually spent in class. Practically the whole theater crew for their newest production was ready to kill him because a couple of young ladies who do not like Z went and told everyone he was walking out on the show. Even the teacher/director was mad until Z finally was able to explain to everyone that he in fact had never said or thought that. The final straw was the other day when Z went to school and he had kids coming up touching his face to see if he was bruised or beat up. For some unexplainable reason some kid that Z rarely even talks to came to school with a broken hand and said that it happened when he beat the sh!t out of Z in the hallway at school. He went so far as to say that "the whole school" saw it and that Z's face was beat to a pulp. Needless to say.....Z's face was fine and no one had really seen it happen....thus the curiosity with Z's face. Again....Z spent time in the office explaining that he hadn't even talked to this kid....let alone been hit by him. But the wildfires of gossip are burning brilliantly at MHS and because Z denied it happened....now the kids is threatening that it will in fact happen before school is out! Please!

Z has about had it....as have I. I AM ANGRY! After talking to the principal at the high school....who I like and think she has a pretty good handle on things.....one thing became abundantly clear: Hands are tied until kids speak up and kids are not going to speak up as long as they feel threatened, feel that they are going to be treated even worse if they do speak up.....and as long as bullying is accepted by the majority! And this goes above and beyond school and into the real world. Any place in life where bullies reside whether it be school, work, home, etc.....as long as there is acceptance...there will be no change.

So here is what I told Z. First of all you have to define bullying. When asked what he thought bullying was, he said....being mean to other kids, calling names, lying about them and starting rumors about kids. I agreed and added: any time someone threatens another person, physically or verbally abuses another person, lies about or gossips about another person and finally....anyone that stands by and watches someone else bully someone and does nothing about it.....that is bullying! Z immediately realized that as bullied as he has been....he has also done a bit of bullying himself by gossiping and yes....watching someone else get bullied and doing nothing about it. 

Z and I decided that from this moment on.....stopping bullying cannot be left up to the principal or the teachers. It has to start at the student level. How do you start and what do you do? One person has to say NO! I will not allow you to bully me or anyone else! It has to be said loud and it has to be said often! If one person has the courage to stand up then maybe another one will and another one, until maybe one day the bullying will stop. It only continues because it is accepted. The minute it quits being acceptable....then it will dwindle away. These kids need to learn to respect both themselves and others and they need to treat as they want to be treated. If not....they are going to continue a pattern of abuse and bullying throughout their lives. It will follow them into the workplace and their home and they will pass it onto their kids and as we have seen....each generation seems to be getting worse.

How's this all going to pan out? I am not sure, but last night....I took my own advice and decided to start being the change I wanted to see in the world. I stopped a family bully dead in his tracks by first pointing out that his behavior was that of a bully and always had been and that I would no longer tolerate it. To my shock and amazement....he backed down. He had never before seen himself for the bully he was and I think he was shocked to his very core. Today....Z went to school prepared to be the change. He is not shy and he is tired of the abuse. I have no doubt if bullies were present today....they were called out!

There are bullies in all walks of life. We all know at least one. Maybe we work with them, go to school with them or even live with them. Maybe they know full well they are a bully but continue on with their bullying ways.....because they are allowed to. Maybe though....they don't always realize the effect their actions have on others. Maybe they don't realize they are bullies. And maybe it was never made clear in our lives or maybe we simply forgot that standing by and watching bullying without making an effort to stop it.....is nearly as bad as the act itself. Whatever the case maybe.....isn't it time we took a stand and taught our kids to do the same? All we have to do is say: No! I will not be bullied...nor will I allow anyone else to! Who knows.....those words could be the key to one less bully in the world...and a world with one less bully has got to be good! 

So I am now jumping off my soapbox and ending this. I think I will end my blog today with a song that pretty much sums up how I feel about my part in all of this, Z's part in all of this....and yes....even your part in all of this. I leave you with Michael Jackson and Man in the Mirror. Happy Friday!

****** sorry for the late posting! Blogger has been down a good portion of the day!