Racism, Murder...and White Privilege

I believe that I have stated before, that on my facebook page, I have many different friends and family members as facebook friends. Many of those friends and family hold far different views of everything from politics to views on the world, than I do. Because of this, there is often interesting debates/arguments on my personal fb page by those who don't always agree with my views. Sometimes I engage in the debates and sometimes I just take a pass for my mental health, but I always read each comment. It never fails though, after a heated discussion, there is always someone who will message me and ask me why I don't just unfriend those who are passionately opposed to my viewpoint. The answer is because, I always learn something from them. Yes, there are those who get a bit over zealous and get irritated because I refuse to let their view be mine, but truthfully, I have no stupid fb friends and therefore, I don't have to agree with what they have to say in order to learn from them.

The reason I bring this up is because one of those fb friends that I tend to butt heads with on occasion is one of my first cousins. She and I are close to the same age, but our lives have been vastly different. Other than our mother's being sisters and having some of the same blood coursing through our veins, we have very little in common and yet I find her so very interesting. She was born and raised in New York and that alone makes her view of the world, quite different from this Kansas girl. She is educated and very well traveled and she has seen and done things which my little mid-west heart could only dream of. She is every bit as liberal as I am conservative and at times, that makes us the epitome of oil and water. The funny thing is that I can post all day long about my immediate family, the weather or stupid memes that I find amusing and I hear nothing from her, but the second I post something political or with a viewpoint about something going on in the world (COVID-19, impeachment hearings, the George Floyd murder....you pick) and she usually has posted a comment before my fingers have even left the keypad. I had a friend tell me that they thought her rather rude to only comment on my opinion and not my actual life. On the contrary though, I take that as a huge compliment. She obviously finds my opinion or beliefs, at least interesting enough to comment on. Let's face it, other than my outspoken opinions at times....I'm just not that interesting. 

So yesterday, I made a post about George Floyds murder. Well, I didn't really say much, it was just an article about Officer Derek Chauvin and the other three officers who were fired because of their actions in the case. Now naturally, I think Chauvin and his crew deserved not only to be fired but to be tried and convicted of Mr. Floyds murder. I think this was a despicable act by a police officer(s) that held power over the public and chose to use that power in such a horrendous way. Being from the mid-west though, aside from the fact that I see this as murder, I may have also seen the whole situation in a different light than say someone from Minnesota......or New York. 

After reading about both the arrest and murder and also the victim and the police involved, I saw more than just a case of racism gone very bad. I saw a case of bad cops, who had consistently been bad cops, but who had never been held accountable for their actions. Everything I read, indicated that these men had been reported multiple times and still they had no record, no reprimands and worse, they were still on the streets. At the very least Chauvin should have been fired long ago and likely should have been in jail for his part in another "on the job" murder...and those officers who stood and watched Mr. Floyd's murder should be held just as accountable for his death as the perpetrator. There is obviously a problem within the Minneapolis PD that needs to be addressed and maybe now it will be. So yes, there was likely racism involved, but there was also some internal MPD problems that were allowing bad cops to slip through the cracks with bad behavior, and had theses been addressed sooner, maybe George Floyd would be alive today.

Yes, racism is all over the place and I hate it, but my direct knowledge of it is absolutely non-existent, so maybe that is why jumping to this situation being an act of racism was not my first thought. And this too is why I guess I have always had a problem with the term White Privilege. It always felt to me that this term in and of itself was a bit racist to whites. Yes, I believe that racism is not just towards blacks. Racism flourishes among all races and colors. That being said though, blacks do seem to take the brunt of the hate and disrespect. All in all though, I guess I just never really understood  the term White Privilege. I am white and yet I have never particularly seen myself as privileged. I have always felt that I had to work hard and fight for everything I had and I never saw much privilege in that. Along with that though, my attitude towards blacks has never been one of fear, disrespect or hate either. In fact, I am not much of a color person. I am more inclined to see how someone is through the expressiveness of their eyes, the kindness of their smile and the generosity of their soul which together gives an amazing view into their character. These things mean something to me....skin color does not.

So, my post had not been up long when I saw my cousins name pop up in fb notifications. I wondered before I looked. Surely this would be a topic that her and I, could agree on. After all, how could you not see the video and see it for any less than a murder? Perhaps here is where I should throw in that maybe one way my cousin and I are similar is that we both are very verbal human beings that can be very expressive when we have a point to make. Yeah, there is that family resemblance. To be honest though, when I first saw her comment, I saw the words "White Privilege" and being that it was almost midnight, I decided to leave the post and come back tomorrow (which is now today), when I would likely be more rested. Low and behold, the first thing that popped up when I opened fb today was her comment(s), so I grabbed my coffee and began to read.

Now she began with a nod to Colin Kaepernick's kneeling and racism being the justification for such an act. Honestly, she and I obviously hold very different views on this and we both have our own reasons for it, but that is another blog piece for another day. She then though, started talking about white privilege and after reading her words, for the first time, it made me look at the term "white privilege" a little differently. Perhaps it is where she lives and her personal experiences that she sees white privilege as she does. While I know racism exists even in small town America, I am sure the extent is much greater in New York and other more urban areas in the country. This is maybe why I have never thought too much in depth about WP and all that it implies. My cousin however, took this particular post to spell it out for me.

Granted, the post she made was a copy and paste, but the sentiment struck a chord with me. Racism is alive and well even all these years after a war was fought to end slavery and the racist ideas and attitudes that went with it. White Privilege is also a very real thing. As a white person, I may not have a lot of money, a nice house or a new car, but even if I am a white person living on the street, I do have certain privileges that those of color do not have. No matter what I do, whether it is walk in a nice neighborhood or even hold a gun in my hand, chances are that my actions will be viewed differently than that of a person of color. I can do most anything without anyone giving me a second glance, but people of color are often not afforded that luxury or respect.

Driving a nice car, walking into a convenience store at night, knocking on a door to ask for help when your car won't start, jogging and even going out bird watching.....all normal acceptable things for white people. Sadly though, these same normal activities can get a person of color scrutinized, questioned, arrested and even killed because of the color of their skin and nothing more. Pure and simply, my privilege is that I can do just about anything and no one thinks a thing of it, but those of color must constantly be thinking about what they do and how they do it, so as not to cause suspicion, for so many in this world view people of color as synonymous with criminal, illegal, dangerous, killer......and the list goes on and on. I guess there is something to that whole WP thing and all it takes is a minute to try and put yourself in the shoes of a black person to see this.

My heart goes out to Mr. Floyd's family. His death was senseless and even though I do believe that the issue in this case goes way beyond just racism, I do think that blacks have a reason to be angry. Mr. Floyd's death was not a singular incident and having to fear going out on the streets because of your skin color is horrific. I do not agree with all of the looting and destroying that has been going on in protest of Mr. Floyd's death and after reading about him, I don't think he would be happy with it either. If anything, the riots and looting are taking away from the real issue at the center of all of this and those taking part in it are destroying their own communities and the lives, livelihoods and businesses of innocent people who had nothing to do with Mr. Floyd, the police or the murder.

As I said, I don't understand racism. I believe that God created us all in His image and if we take into consideration where Jesus was born, it is a pretty definite assumption that His skin was much darker than those of us with WP. Until the day we see each other as human beings and celebrate that which makes us alike rather than fight about what makes us different, there will be more Mr. Floyds dying and more Chauvins spreading hate, disrespect and even death and how does that help anyone?

So....my cousin. She and I will likely always be miles apart in our world views. Her heart will beat blue and mine red. What also will not change is that we will both remain passionate on what we believe and speak our minds whenever we feel it necessary. We see the world from our own very different and very distinct vantage points and who is to say which view is right and which view is wrong? At the end of the day though, we are who we are and with an open mind and open heart, we still might have much to learn from each other.

Dear Cousin....thank you for my lesson in white privilege. It is not one I will soon forget.  

The Other Side of the Moon (In Memory of Jerry Newhouse)

I have said before, I come from a large extended family with many cousins, second cousins and so on. As a family, we are close when we are in the same space, but when we pack up and leave that space, we go back to our separate lives. Don't get me wrong, we care about each other and through social media, we keep in touch but through distance and years, the opportunities to share space only come along sporadically. This has always been the way we have done it, as all of us are scattered all over the country, but with time and age, I am starting to realize what we all might be missing.

Yesterday I got a text from the daughter of one of my first cousins. It let me know that my cousin Jerry Newhouse, had just passed away. My heart sank as it felt as if someone had just squarely punched me in the gut and taken all my air away. His death was not unexpected as he had been battling cancer off and on for several years. In the past weeks he had grown weaker and his cancer had grown stronger making the prognosis inevitable. Still though, we hoped. We prayed that there would be a turn around....that final Hail Mary play. It didn't come.

I spent the rest of yesterday thinking about my cousin and how he had touched my life. This was something I had been doing a lot of lately.

Growing up, us first cousins saw each other seldom. Since Oklahoma was home base for all our get-togethers and reunions, those were about the only times we got together. There was always the initial awkward, getting reacquainted time and then within minutes, we were all best buddies....playing in the yard, taking walks on the road or just hanging out by the barn. We bonded, we hung out and then we said good bye until the next time. Some of the kids would visit each others homes during the summer and some of us became avid pen pals, but sadly.....that was the extent of our closeness growing up.

In the late 1970's, my grandfather became ill and was hospitalized. It was touch and go for awhile and my mom decided to pack my brother and I up and go to Oklahoma City where my grandfather was hospitalized. We ended up staying with my aunt and uncle and their three boys in the city. I remember feeling a bit out of my element at first with all these boys. Their youngest son was younger than me and the other two boys were older. The house was filled with "boy" stuff and I had no idea what I was going to do. Immediately though, my cousin Jerry who was about nine years older than me made me feel at home. He gave me free reign over the family record player and introduced me to the group ABBA. With nothing else to do, I played that record a million times over. He and the other boys teased me constantly in a good natured way and in the evenings they sat around and taught me how to play a multitude of card games. What could have been an excruciatingly uncomfortable time for all of us, turned out to be a lot of fun. As Grandpa became stable enough for us to go home, I felt really sad to be leaving these cousins behind. Knowing this, Jerry came up to me as I walked out the door and said, "We have decided to make you our honorary sister." I can't begin to tell you how special that made me feel.

After that, I saw Jerry and the boys from time to time at the occasional reunion and family funerals. Then about 1992, I decided to head to Oklahoma for a few days. Life was closing in and I was confused about many things and I simply needed a change of pace. I stayed in my Grandpa's old house on the farm with my aunt. There was something about that farm that just made me feel at peace. Although I had never lived or grown up there, it felt like home.

At the time Jerry was the judge in the little town of Hinton and on hearing that I was at the farm, he came out for dinner after court. We laughed and talked around the table until Aunt Margaret shooed us outside so she could clean up. I remember us sitting on the picnic table in the yard and him asking me point blank what was going on. I had not said anything about anything being wrong and I was caught off guard by his directness. It caught me by such surprise that the words just came flying out. I sat there and told him what I was going through, what I was feeling and my inability to get my life figured out. I felt about ten years old as I fought back the tears all the while wondering what he must be thinking of me. Then as direct as before, he said to me, "Okay, you know what the problem is, now how are you going to fix it?"  He was direct, but there was no judgement and no disrespect.

The question silenced me. All the words stopped. Then he put his arm around my shoulder and said, "As your honorary big brother, I say you have the answers to your questions. I have every faith that you know exactly what to do and where to go from here. You just have to believe in you." Those words were the first time I really felt like someone saw me as an adult and had faith in my ability to act as an adult. He didn't try to give me answers. He knew that deep down, I already had them. I didn't figure out all the answers that night, but his words definitely gave me the confidence to put myself on the right track.

He then talked a little about what was going on in his life. Like all of us he had hit rough patches and yet he was weathering the storms well. Then out of the blue he said, "See the moon?" It was an amazing moon that night. It was full and it illuminated the dark country sky. Looking up at it, he continued, "Do you ever wonder what is on the other side of that moon?" Honestly, I had never thought about it. He continued, "It is beautiful. How can we have any real problems when we get to look at something like that?" We sat there for awhile just looking up and then he said, "Someday I will know what is on the other side and if it as pretty as it is here tonight." Those words stuck with me and seldom have I seen a full moon that I haven't thought of Jerry saying that.

After that night, we did keep in touch by phone on occasion and email from time to time. When his mom (my aunt died), I went to her funeral and visited his dad once when he was sick. When Tim died, I spoke at his funeral. I remember looking into the faces of those who were there to honor my husband and there sat Jerry. It touched my heart.

In the last few years, we have communicated some by email but most of our communication has been through his daughter as she did social media and he did not. I kept up on his health through her and he kept up on my life through my blogs.

His health began to start declining about two years ago. Then his daughter became engaged and it became his mission to walk her down the aisle. That beautiful day came for both of them and he got to give his baby girl to a man who he knew would love her and take care of her. It was a day that I know gave Jerry both great joy and great peace.

Since that day, the cancer in him progressed. For awhile he tried to aggressively fight it with surgery and chemo. The doctors then told him that best case scenario he had just a few years. From that point it quickly went to months, then weeks and then days. In the last few weeks as he was released from the hospital and able to go home under hospice care, he and I texted. I sent him pictures and he would reply when he was up to it. We knew it was coming. I was bracing myself and yet all the while, trying to get comfortable in denial, but the reality won out.

Today I read his obituary and I realized that there was so much I didn't know about this man. He was a lawyer, a judge a VISTA with Americorps and a social worker. These last few years he had been helping those in need. I couldn't help but think as I read it, that he had been helping those in need most of his life. As his last contribution to this world, he was leaving his body to science for cancer research. That made me cry.

So this cousin who had such an effect on my life not once, but several times over the years....is gone. I wonder if he knew how he had helped me and what being his honorary sister meant to me? I don't think I ever told him. I truly regret that.

Now, tonight as I look up at the moon, I am listening to ABBA and thinking of you. I am smiling through tears, because I know, now you know......what it looks like....... on the other side of the moon.