I Promise

As I write this, it has been exactly one week almost to the minute that our world got flipped upside down and inside out. Yes, it has been one week since I was given a letter of eviction from my brother and told that our home was no longer our home. It has been the longest, shortest, worst, most amazing week of my life.

Truly, I didn't know that 7 days could speed by like this, but looking back and realizing that most of my days ran into each other because there was no real sleep and that each waking moment was filled with strategizing, begging, hours on the phone and of course blogging made some of those days feel like time had stopped and I was living in slow motion. I won't lie, this whole thing was a pretty severe gut kick that knocked me down pretty hard for a moment. Only in the last 24 hours have I been able to even start processing any emotion other than the urgency to fix all of this.

My emotions are pretty raw in a way, but then again, there are people in your life that you really expect nothing of. They kind of play on a loop in the background of your world and are only there because of familial or emotional ties....or worse....guilt. If they surprise you and do something positive, kind or generous you emotionally re-evaluate their presence in your life and pull them to the foreground. However, if they do something that is negative, hateful or damaging, you still re-evaluate their presence in your life, but in some cases, you move them completely out of it. It is here that I am currently stuck....evaluating and re-evaluating certain relationships.

I still feel like I don't have a complete picture of what went on last Saturday. Other than the obvious....we got evicted, I feel like I am lost. It is kind of like walking in late to a movie with a very complicated plot and trying to figure out what you have missed. Everything in me tells me there is more to the story than I know.

While my brother and I have always been two very different people who saw the world and people with very different eyes, I would never have thought him to be sneaky or deceitful and although he does have a rather dark sense of humor, I never saw him as a cruel individual, especially towards family. I still don't, so that is why I am baffled at what felt like a sneak attack where this eviction is concerned. Why was I not included in any conversation about the possibility of this house being sold? Why was I not given an opportunity with more than a 25 day timeline to find a solution, make a plan or pray for a miracle? Why was I evicted and not just talked to? None of it makes sense. I keep thinking there has to be more to this story that will make me understand why he/they felt the need to treat me in such a way. There has to be something that I am missing.

And my dad..... My gut is literally screaming that something is wrong here. I don't know what but again, to think of him other than as a dad with the best interest of his kids and grandkids in mind is really hard for me. Granted, he has not been tremendously emotionally supportive....ever, but he has helped us out over the years financially when things were rough and of course allowing us to live in the house.  I just can't see him just evicting us without a conversation and some advanced warning regardless of the situation. My mind can go to some pretty dark places trying to come up with possible scenarios that might make sense and I have had to just shut it down and quit looking for answers where he is concerned.

So last night, as I was on my seventh night of little to no sleep, I made a deal with myself. Too much is going on right now to drive myself crazy trying to figure out the whys and wherefores of  all of this. I am sure that before all is said and done, I will probably know more than I care to. Right now, I have to stay focused and stick to the business of saving David's home. This in itself is going to take every ounce of my mental and physical capacity to even come close.

The next couple of weeks are going to be tough. This is a fight that I wasn't prepared for and I am having to go in blind as this whole process is out of my wheelhouse. Still, I don't back down when it comes to David and we may not win, but it won't be because I didn't put every ounce of my heart and soul into the battle. I truly don't want anyone in this situation hurt anymore than has already happened, but I didn't put this situation into motion and in order to fight this fight, I have to fight this in a way that gives me the possibility of the best outcome for David's future. What I won't do is fight dirty because that makes me no better than those I am fighting against.

And yes, I said this week had also been the worst and most amazing too. The worst is probably pretty self explanatory, but there has been so much amazing too. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that so many people would be willing to fight right along with us. I have been overwhelmed at the generosity of my community, friends, family and strangers. The outpouring of love and prayers and the willingness of people to come together and help David keep his home is amazing. Sometimes the worst things have to happen, in order for you to see and appreciate the best. This week we have had a hefty does of both and no one will ever know how grateful we are to be witness to such kindness and generosity of spirit, of community and of humanity.

So along with promising myself that I would keep my focus on what is important and not on what I have absolutely no control over, I also promised myself that I wouldn't let this break either I or David. I promise to remain strong, to fight with dignity and fairness and to never, ever forget to be grateful for my blessings and to pay all of this forward every single day for the rest of my life.

I promise!

It's Simply a Faith Thing

Isn't it just like me? You don't hear from me for nearly a year and now suddenly, it's two days in a row. I promise that it is my intention to blog more in 2018 and more so, that they won't all be about this disaster I am currently dealing with. No....really!!! I have other life disasters that I can talk about! But today....I am processing and still need the writing therapy to get me through all of this.

This weekend was so surreal. Saturday I spent the day trying to understand how family can be so cold. No...not just family but MY family. It just was not sinking in. Yesterday I kept fluctuating between being sad, being angry and trying like hell to be understanding. My friend Marni's words kept going through my mind: There are 3 sides to every story. Your's, theirs and the truth. So what is this particular truth?

My first reaction upon hearing the news was to feel complete and total sorrow for both my dad and brother. I kept thinking how hard this must be for them to have to do this to me. I think I even apologized to them for having to go through such a thing. I remember thinking that because it must be so hard for them, that I had to handle this all with as much class and dignity as possible. Mostly I did not want my dad to be upset as his health isn't great and honestly even with our pasts....I couldn't for a moment think that either of them would deliberately do something like this to me. More over I couldn't fathom that they would do this to David. Hmmmmm I think I managed getting out of there with class and dignity...or at least my version of the two.

Then yesterday....... I didn't sleep much Saturday night, even as hard as I tried to shut my mind down. I prayed a lot and tried to imagine a positive end to this particular chapter of our story. Sleep was not my friend. So yesterday my mind began questioning what was truly behind this situation. Was this really a completely innocent action taken with the sole purpose of giving my dad financial peace of mind? If that was the case then as hard as this all is, it was understandable. BUT, why not include me in on the process and possibility that turned quickly to reality.... that my home was at stake? Why not give me a heads up and let me know that dad felt his living arrangements and financial security were in danger and therefore selling my house might ease that worry? I surely could have helped find other options and helped to ease that worry and not lose my home in the process. Was this whole thing then premeditated with the full intention of not only taking my home but causing me the absolute most stress while doing so? Can people, especially family really be that cruel? I still don't want to believe it, but at the very least, this whole thing was done in a very disrespectful, underhanded and humiliating way. It truly wasn't fair.

What was that? Life ain't fair. Yes, that is glaringly obvious.

Before I went to bed last night, I found myself starting to get angry at the unfairness of it all.Then I remembered that everything has purpose. There is purpose in this. Perhaps I need to appreciate things more and be more grateful. Perhaps I take things for granted too often. Maybe I need to realize that I need to give more, be kinder and not be so trusting of people (even family). Whatever the lesson is, I decided that I could be bitter or be busy. Bitterness takes you to a negative and unhealthy place pulling you down and backwards. If I get busy trying to fix things and improve my circumstances then I don't have time to be negative. All I have time to do is move forward. That is my choice.....busily moving forward.

Today I have been a bit overwhelmed. I hit the ground running but I have felt myself and my attention pulled in so many ways that focus has been hard to achieve. I have however been extremely busy. I have so many questions and so many things I need to check out and find out what my rights are and how I can continue to not only move forward but to also keep our home. It is truly a lot. Blessedly though, I am not doing this alone. My community, complete strangers and other wonderful family members and friends have stepped in and stepped up. Tonight is a community meeting to help plan a fundraiser. I am also told there have been many emails and calls to the Ellen show and the calls, texts, fb messages and donations we have received have been amazing. It just goes to show that blood doesn't have to be shared to be considered family. I don't think that I could be more grateful or more humbled right now.

So I move forward. I will likely never know the true motivation behind my "eviction" but I also can't sit around and worry about it either. All actions good or bad have consequences and this situation will be no different. As for me, I simply have to keep busy, be positive, fight like hell and learn everything from this experience that I am suppose to. I know everything else will eventually take care of itself. It's simply a faith thing!