Change Is On It's Way

Well....they headed off this morning....and I realize that the number of times I would kiss them good-bye and send them on their way to their  first day of a new school year, were growing fewer with each passing year.

My house had excited early risers who were dressed without being told to get ready a zillion times, and attitudes were excited, happy, and READY for the first day. Of course...next Monday I am sure will be a different story, with snooze alarms being hit over and over again, gripes and grumbles as they are told for the 3rd, 4th and 5th times to get dressed, and general irritation and panic as one realizes he did NOT get all of his homework done and we can't find the other ones leg braces. All will soon again be normal as the count down for Christmas break, then Spring break and finally summer is on again.

Now though....my house is washed in silence. Even the dogs seem to sense the day and realize that change is upon us. Two new schools, new teachers, new friends, and new experiences. Today is full of possibilities and promise for a wonderful new year. For me though....it is also full of a little sadness that my two little boys have turned into two big boys and are both racing to become young men. If only they realized that when you reach a certain age....the frantic rush to grow up turns to a panicked wish that time would just simply stand still and let you catch your breath.

I was almost sure as I waited on the porch for David's bus this morning that I felt a breeze beckoning change. Is it too early to smell the musty fall smells or hear the already falling leaves crunch beneath your feet? Well maybe a little, but with the break in the heat, and school starting.....there is no doubt in my mind.....that change is on it's way.

The Dream

As I was out driving this morning, I was admiring all the farm land around me and remembering my dream from the time I was very young....to live on a farm. I always had it pictured in my head....the old white farm house with the more than ample front porch and a wonderful porch swing in which to enjoy the warm summer evenings. Yep....that was always my dream. Maybe it was because I was indoctrinated with  shows like The Waltons and Little House on the Prairie, or maybe it was because there was something about farm life that meant family and comfort to me. I really don't know...I just know that was my dream.

Funny that I would have such a dream, being that I was born in a huge city. I only lived there a year or so....so obviously no city notions stuck with me. I then moved to what was back then no more than a big town (but has since grown to be considered a city). Apparently...it was still too big to entice me. Finally....before I hit jr. high....we moved to small town America. It is your typical, everyone knows everyone elses business, kind of town, fresh with a one stop sign Main st, and graduating classes small enough that everyone knows everyone.

Still, small town life wasn't farm life and I used to be jealous of all the kids who got to go home and feed whatever it was they fed, bail hay, and play in the barn. Now mind you....my mother had a garden 1/3 of the size of our 3/4 acre back yard....and I literally hated working in it, but somehow I thought I would make an awesome farm girl?! Hmmmm Those that know me well are probably laughing their hind quarters off as we speak.

As I grew older....my dream grew stronger and I tended to hang with and party with a lot of farm kids. No one could party and have fun like they did. I later realized that they played so hard because they worked so hard, but all I knew was wherever they were....that is where I wanted to be. And their families always seemed so down to earth. Again....a later realization was that you couldn't run a successful farm without certain life skills and those life skills just naturally poured over into their family lives. They all lived, loved, worked and played hard. That was what I wanted.

Needless to say, it wasn't long before I grabbed one of those farm boys as a boyfriend. He was a dairy farmer and his family had about 140 head of cows who needed milking 3 times a day. I soon found if you dated anyone in the family or married into the family (especially where the boys were concerned) you helped out. My guys job was to take care of the cows, milk them, and clean the barn.....did I mention 3 TIMES A DAY?! So most of our dating life consisted of cows. I was a trooper though and I worked my little fingers to the bone. I could herd cattle, feed cattle, help deliver calves, take care of calves, and milk cows....3 TIMES A DAY!  We milked at 4 a.m., 11 a.m., and 4 p.m. and for a year.....I spent every weekend, at least a couple days during the week and every holiday, playing dairy farm queen.

Now I know that anyone who knows me is just in hysterics thinking about ME working on a farm....and well you should be. I am sure I gave my guy and his family hours of story fun for years to come. Like the time I was walking through cattle pen after a hard rain. My boots were too big and the ground was covered in mud and cow crap. There was myself, my guy, his dad and two of his brothers...along with me trying to herd the cattle towards the barn....and as always the graceless freak of nature that I am.....my boot slipped and I fell face first into the muddy mixture that I was walking in. And do you think anyone helped me up??? Oh no! They were way too busy laughing! It took me years of showers to overcome that experience. And there was the time when I was feeding the calves in their individual pens. I had stepped over the fence and given the little guy his food, when I dropped something on the ground. So I bent over to pick it up and that little mother#$%^&$ turned around and kicked me right in the butt. I went flying over the fence right into my guys dad. Needless to say.....he was amused.....I was not! And let us not forget the time that I was trying to heard the cows to the barn for milking at 3:30 in the morning. I was only about half awake and I was walking along smacking the cows on their butts guiding them towards the barn. Suddenly my guy grabbed me and we both went flying over the corral fence. As I looked up I was facing a very angry and very ill tempered bull. Apparently in the midst of all my butt slapping.....I had mistakenly slapped his butt too. I hadn't even realized it.....thank goodness my guy saw it and realized what I had done....or you might not be hearing this story right now....because apparently....bulls don't like to have their butts slapped.  Again.....my antics got a big laugh from everyone......but me! And then there was my all time Lisa should not be a farm girl moment.

When you bring the cows into the barn they go a few at a time and follow each other into individual gates where you then attach the milking machines to them. Most of the cows this does not bother and they act just fine....but you always get one who doesn't want to get with the program and I had Miss Bossy Bitch. (The bitch....I added). Every time I would bring her in....before I could get her gate shut....she would try to kick me. She would haul that back leg back at me and try to leave a mark and I had to be fast....or she would have. Daily we would give each other the evil eye and she would make a snorting sound just before she would try to high kick her way into my upper thigh. It was a ritual.....and every time I would call her names and then laugh at her unsuccessful attempt at hitting her mark. Then one day....I was not fast enough. Before I could shut the gate....her back foot came flying back and nailed me squarely in the thigh right above my knee. It hurt so bad that it brought tears to my eyes.....and as if to celebrate her victory....MBB gave a little snort that almost sounded like a laugh. Oh I was angry. So much to her surprise (and mine too) I just hauled out and kicked her back. I kicked with every ounce of energy I had and she let out what was almost the equivalent of a dog yip. She knew I meant business. And that day.....Miss Bossy and I came to a truce. She never tried to kick me again....and I never kicked her back. Needless to say though.....yet again, I had an audience who found the whole incident extremely funny. Sure....they could laugh. They didn't have a hoof print on their leg.

My guy and I later broke up. Maybe I just realized that dairy cows and I would never be any closer than...a glass of milk. I did however learn first hand that farm life was all the good things I had imagined....and also a lot of hard work, effort, prayer, and sometimes disaster that I hadn't. So that was my last farm experience. But I digress.

So as I was out driving this morning, I was admiring all the farm land around me and remembering my dreams.....and I thought to myself, how lucky am I to still live in an area of the country were farms are still abundant and farm life is still a staple of a community. Will I ever get my farmhouse with the porch and swing? Who knows.....maybe not, but for a little while....I did get to live my dream....sort of!

I Got Nuthin'......But This!!!!!

I sat down to write...thinking that I really had something to say today. But as I have sat here and my day has taken all sorts of interesting turns....and it is not even noon yet, I am going to have to go with....I got nuthin'!

Well....maybe that is not true. I was thinking about Memorial Day....and what it means and then I got to thinking about the Pledge of Allegiance. Yes...my mind was wandering. The other day I had a fellow question whether I even knew what the Pledge of Allegiance meant. Well...yes I do, but from our conversation....I am not sure he did. But in case someone doesn't know.....here is the Pledge of Allegiance...with my understanding of it's meaning attached. 

The Pledge of Allegiance

I pledge allegiance to the Flag
(I pledge my heart, my soul, and all that I am....and that I will never turn my back on or deny it, because it is
not just a piece of material....but a symbol of freedom earned with the blood, sweat and tears of those who have served, fought for and died for this country)

Of the United States of America
(a place where we stand together...united in freedom and peace)

and to the republic for which it stands
(a government who receives it's power from the people....NOT the other way around and a government who stands behind the people....not in front of them)

one Nation under God
(one Nation...our Nation...recognizing that God is our higher power)

indivisable
(shall not be divided)

with liberty and justice for all
(meaning all legal citizens of this country deserve the same rights, respect and personal freedoms granted to them under the Constitution of these United States.)

So what is not to understand?

Well...enough with my ramblings. I must get back to my curvy day, but not without wishing you all a safe and enjoyable Memorial weekend and a request to remember the men and women who have served and died so that we may continue to live in peace and freedom. God Bless You All!

Happy Memorial Weekend!

In His Mother's Arms

Kind of stuck in the poetry loop. Still bringing over the old stuff.

My words

cause reaction

I say “I love you…

and always will”

His face glows

with a tinge of pink

and his eyes

can only see  the floor

I step close

to touch his chin

He winces

steps back

As if…..

some unseen force

pushes his body….

away.

He nervously

taps his foot

as I force his eyes

upon me.

I gently

pull him close

and feel

his stubbled chin

against  

the smoothness

of my face

Then…suddenly

a tear falls

upon my cheek

and his head rests….

 on the firmness

of my shoulder

For a moment……

he is….

but a little boy again

Resting safely…..

in his mothers arms.

©2009

LisaMarie

My Poetic Soul

More of my older stuff I thought I would bring over. While poetry is not particularly me forte....it definitely can be both cathartic and soul cleansing.

Lost

He was there
and I was here
and we talked.
We laughed,
we shared
and most of all...
I remembered.
A long time ago
when I was young,
and he was young
we were together.
He got me and I got him
until it was gone.
I don't know why
can't even really remember when
But he did.
He hurt and I didn't.
Not sure why or even how
it just was no more.
Now he is here
and we talked,
but only for a moment
Then he was gone....
and I hurt and he didn't.
Not sure why or even how
it just was no more.
Was it me? Or maybe him?
Was it time or circumstance?
Could we have been together again?
We will never know.
I just know.....
I lost a friend.

© 2009
LisaMarie

 

Me

You think you know me

and who I am

but I am very sure

you don't

You think my smile

is happiness

when it really

just masks my pain

You think I am strong

but I am not

and the days

they crush me

one by one

You think my words

are clever

but they are

just words

slipping from my mouth

with no particular

direction

You think my tears

are but a myth

and never touch my face

but deep inside

they drown my heart

and flood my very soul

You think that I am

who I show the world

my life an open book

but you don't know

the inner me

the one who hides

so well

You think you know me

and who I am

but I am very sure....

you don't!
©2009

LisaMarie

Much Better Than Me

I look at his little legs
so small
with the swollen knees
which cross with every
assisted step he takes
I see the smile
always the smile
that ignores life's pains
and welcomes
each new experience
They say his brain
doesn't understand
can't learn like us
and will never be
like yours and mine
But I watch him
laugh at Spongebob
See him
gently pet the dog
Feel his
little arms
hug my neck
And feel his
childish lips
kiss my cheek
I would say
he understands
and he has learned
far more than most
for he grasps
the important things
in life
He knows
how to
laugh and love
and show gentleness
to all living things
So I really think
that makes him
much better than....
me!

©2009 LisaMarie

The Letter

This is a piece I wrote awhile back....but thought I would share here.

A writer I know and who’s work I have come to respect (Amy Wood)….wrote a similar piece as this a few days ago...and bravely placed it for the world to see.  She said it took her 40 years to write it but she finally did it....and I got the feeling that it gave her a sort of peace and relief all at the same time. I felt inwardly challenged to do the same.  So here is mine…almost 47 years in the making. Thanks Amy!

Dear Little Girl in the Pink Dress,

I see you standing there with your brand new white doll carriage. I am not sure why you are going to remember this day and even this year for the rest of your life….but you will. Most don’t remember their second birthday but you will. You will remember your mommy telling you to blow out the two glowing candles on your cake and you will remember the excitement of the doll carriage. You will also remember your babysitter of that year, her foul smell and her ugly boys. You will remember being coerced into eating things that weren’t really food, being stuck in hot water, and sadly……being touched by those ugly boys in ways that no two year old should have to experience. Try to always remember that you did nothing to deserve this and you were never a “bad girl” because it happened.

When you are six, please don’t fight your mother when she wants to brush your long, thick hair. This is only going to cause her frustration and you are going to end up going from having long, beautiful hair….to the ever popular and not so attractive pixie cut. This is going to set you up for a lot of teasing and some very negative feelings about yourself….that will last for years to come.

Six is not going t be a great year for you…so try to take it in stride. On that day when you just can’t hold it anymore…..PLEASE don’t be afraid of the teacher.  Just get up and go to the bathroom….otherwise you are going to be teased mercilessly and that wicked witch of a teacher is going to be the one leading the charge.

Finally that year….try hard to understand that mommy’s and daddy’s fight and it doesn’t matter how good you are or how bad you are….your actions have nothing to do with their problems. Don’t take what is going to be their life time of issues on your little shoulders. They are simply not meant to hold such weighty problems as infidelity and adult immaturity.

When your brother is born, your mom is sick and your dad is gone….don’t take your mothers short temper as a sign you are bad. She really has no intention of sending you to boarding school…she is just sick, tired, and at her wits end. She never signed on to raise two kids on her own.

When you are in jr. high, don’t believe it when your dad tells you “you will never amount to anything.” Believe it or not….in many ways….you are already a better person than he is.

Please don’t fall in love in the 7^th grade. That is going to come back to haunt you time and time again….and believe me when I say….it will end badly.

Don’t let your dad play you and your brother against each other. He is setting you up for years of resentment towards each other and causing a rift of distrust that may never be healed.

When you get to take the magical trip to Mexico with the Spanish class…enjoy every second, take in every site, and appreciate every detail for you will most likely never get to go on such a trip again...
..

When you get to high school…you need to pay close attention. These are actually going to be some of the best years of your life. Cherish the friends you make and especially hug that tall red headed boy as much as possible. He isn’t going to be around forever.

Appreciate every minute you spend with your mom. You will learn as time goes on that you never really learn everything there is to know about her…..and not everyone’s mom stays up all night talking to them whenever teenage crisis’ hit.  Hug her whenever possible and never tire of hearing her tell you she loves you.

In your senior year….think twice before you take that first drink of alcohol. It may loosen you up and make you more social then….but it is going to be the root of many bad choices in the future.

When you are chosen as a sr. prom queen candidate….enjoy it.  Don’t let it be lessened because some boy tells you “they had to choose the girls they did……….because they were at the bottom of the barrel.”

On graduation night….try to keep your emotions under control, because if you don’t….you will drink way beyond your ability to function…and you are going to end up passing out. When you come to…you are going to find yourself in the process of having your innocence stolen while two others watch and then you are going to be dropped off at your house…..humiliated, bruised, and scarred for years to come.

In the late summer before you go to college….don’t let your heart lead. Just because you hear the word’s “I love you,” doesn’t mean you should give in. If you do…it will end badly.

Don’t go to college away from home just because your parents think you should…otherwise you are going to major in partying, carry your secret shame with you, and end up with more issues than before you even left.

When at college….don’t fall for that boy who is so different from all the guys you have ever known. When you find out that you are pregnant and were pregnant when you came to school….you are going to cause problems for both you and him and get caught up in a situation that once again…..does not end well.

Think long and hard before you put that baby up for adoption. She is going to be a regret you never let go of….and when she dies without being adopted and you have to bury her…..you are going to go through pain you never knew you could feel.

Please don’t go back to college in the summer of ’83. Yes you are in love….but after what you have been through…..regardless of what you two think, it is just never going to work out. By Christmas of ’83 you are going to have your heart broken and you are going to end up back at home.

Please, please when you are out dragging Douglas….don’t talk to the hot guy in the car. This is going to be the start of something that leads to a very dark period in your life. You may just be talking to pure evil.

When he hits you the first time and you actually see stars…..run, don’t walk to the door. This is not going to be the last time this happens and in the end….you will be lucky to get out with your life.

Cherish the life that comes from this dark time in your life. Don’t let your parents make you feel that you are too stupid and too inept to raise this child. You’re not….you just need a chance.

You are going to have some guys come in and out of your life in the next few years. Don’t discard the good ones and navigate towards the bad ones. You really do deserve a good guy.

When you meet the really hot guy at the bar who looks good and even smells good….be cautious. While you are going to spend the next few years having adventures and having some wonderful times….he is going to have even more issues than you and there will never be a long term future. Enjoy the good times though….and hang on to the happy memories….for he won’t be in this world forever.

That night when you begrudgingly go to the bar…..do go with your instinct on this unusual guy you meet. He is a keeper!

Live, love and laugh as hard as possible in the next few years. It will be over….way too soon.

When your youngest lies between life and death….draw your strength from the man beside you. Keep your faith….your son will live to bring joy to your life that you never dreamed possible.

On that particular morning….kiss your husband good-bye with all your heart. Tell him you love him and give him that extra hug before you leave. This will be your last time to do this….but he will know he is loved before he takes his last breath.

Take every moment you can on those trips to radiation and chemo with your mom. Talk about her and get to know her. Her life is slipping away and soon you won’t have those special moments anymore. Open your eyes to the truth…..and tell her what she has meant to your life.

When you are left alone with your kids and you are doing it all on your own…..don’t let your heart drop out of you when your 16 year old tells you…”I wish you had died instead of dad,” he is just a mixed up confused child, trying to deal with his loss.

Know that all the nights you stay up worrying where he is, what he is doing, and if you are going to get a call from a hospital, the police, or worse yet the morgue….you and him both survive. You do get a call or two….but again….you DO survive.

In the end….you will survive his teen years, children being sick, children having seizures, your dad still telling you that you will never survive when he is gone or amount to anything, your brother telling you and your kids what a lousy mother you are, health issues, and doing it all on your own.

You will grow, you will forgive, you will learn, and most of all….you will have no regrets…for you will know that each and every one of these experiences….made you who you are today….and you are just pretty okay with that!

Love,

Me

Gritchy Monday

Monday! Usually just saying the word evokes a sigh, a mutter, or even in some....a tear. Monday gets such a bad rap. Someone once said...."the only difference between Monday and Friday is the beer." Actually...maybe I said that. At any rate, is that really fair to Monday?

Perhaps in order to give Monday a fair shake we need to put Monday into a different perspective. Maybe we need to look at Monday as the beginning of a brand new week....full of wonder and possibilities instead of the ending of fun and relaxation. We aren't really losing anything when Monday comes around....in fact...we are merely building towards more fun and relaxation. Right?

Okay...I tried. I admit it. Monday's suck! Now all that is left...is to wait for the beer.

~~~~~~~

Today I am gritchy. I have this distinct desire to snark my way through the day. I have already found myself growling at those around me and even an hour workout did nothing for my less than sunny demeanor. What is wrong you ask? I think it is the weather. It is hot and muggy and the barometric pressure I bet is all over the place.

I can't decide whether I have an actual migraine coming on....or if my head hurts just because of pure meanness. It is just one of those days where you want to thumb your nose at the world and then bitch slap anyone who has the audacity to give you attitude. Because believe me....there is only room for one attitude today....and that is mine.....and boy it ain't pretty!

~~~~~~~

And since I am in.....lets face it.....a VERY gritchy mood....lets talk Lindsay Lohan. This girl irritates me on my best day.....today, she just makes me want to scream...."ARE YOU STUPID?????"

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100524/ap_en_mo/us_lindsay_lohan  This girl wonders why the judge won't give her leniency and let her go to TX to film a movie. Come on Lindsay...you are a train wreck and the judge is probably doing you a favor. At the rate your going....the only real head line you are going to make is: Lindsay Lohan dies from:_________________. You fill in the blank...drugs, alcohol poisoning, or  her own stupidity.

It appears to me that her bad behavior and an unwillingness to act like a professional instead of a spoiled teenager has already killed her career....perhaps she should take note of this and make some changes. Sadly I hold no hope for her.

Guess she will be going the way of  what's her name, and that other what's her name....oh and let us not forget....that other what's her name!

~~~~~~~~~~~

So guys....I guess this is the best you will get from me today. I promise to try and do better.....tomorrow.