Thoughts and Prayers, and a Crisis of Me

 Let's just get down to it today. 

I dreamed about this piece last night (or at least the theory of this piece), and I woke up thinking about it this morning. It has continued to play in my head, so I would say that is my sign to put it on paper. This is the first time in a long time that this has happened, so hold onto your bloomers if you plan on going along for this ride. I have no idea how deep this will go or what all will come out as I type, but I do think it might trigger some, in content alone. I guess I will then preface this with Sorry! Not sorry! 

So grab a cup of coffee, brew a pot of tea, or get yourself a Dr. Pepper, and let's get this blog piece started!

Last night I was doing some research and catching up on current events. Even I, Non-news Nancy, am not oblivious to world happenings. Don't get me wrong, I try to be. Truly I do, but sometimes the happenings are just too big and yes, even too scary to ignore. In this case, I really hold no fear, more astonishment, and disbelief, as the world is changing and I feel that humans are currently their own worst enemy and will be their own downfall in both this world and the next. 

I am going to begin with "thoughts and prayers." Do you want to trigger someone who has little to no faith? Post on social media, or say in front of someone lacking, that your thoughts and prayers are with someone struggling, grieving, or hurting and you will see a literal outpour of emotional gibberish on "What good are prayers when this person needs money, or a cure, etc, etc." I can't even count all the times that I have been chastised for posting this and literally belittled for doing so little to help someone who is suffering or in need. Does it bother me? No! I mean, I might feel a twinge of sadness for the chastising persons' lack of perception, self-control, and faith, but other than that.....let them feel justified in their convictions. My thoughts and prayers are with them too. 

Having said this, I do wonder if the statement you are in my thoughts and prayers is just words to some, or if they back them up with actions? No judgment one way or another. Just curiosity. After all, the statement does seem to have become quite the norm on social media posts, where loss, pain, and/or suffering is the topic. We all want the poster to know that we are thinking of them and in some cases, maybe saying we are praying is just what we think they want to hear. I sincerely hope not, because if every "thoughts and prayers" comment were true, then how awesome would that be?

When I say "You are in my thoughts and prayers", I try hard to mean every word of it. In the moment that I read the post, I say a prayer then and there asking that God's will be done for the person or family involved. I try not to stop there though. Each and every time I think about that person or family throughout the day or sometimes for many days, I renew that prayer. So when I make the statement, I try to make it absolutely factual and not just calming words in the moment. 

I know to some this sounds like nothing, especially if the person posting is in need of money, or food, or is in terrible pain or grief. I have even flat-out been asked just what I think prayers will do for this person. Sometimes I take the time to explain that I learned about 23 years ago, the true power of prayer.

 When a doctor looks at you and tells you that your child is within hours of dying and the medical community has done all that they can you become frozen in disbelief. When he follows it up with, "If you pray, then put it in God's hands. His hands are far safer than any doctors." It is at that moment that you realize that you could be a gazillionaire and it would not matter. Money, a casserole, or nothing else was going to save my child. That is when my heart became so heavy that it dropped to my stomach and made me hit my knees in prayers. My husband and I begged everybody in the vicinity to do the same whether they prayed or not....and they did. We also called family and friends and begged them to pray and every time our family crossed their minds, to pray some more. Here we are 23 years later, and that child not only survived but thrived and is still going strong. In fact, we were assured as we took him home from the hospital, by another doctor who believed far more in science than God, that David was a bonafide miracle and that there was simply no way he should be going home on no meds, and no oxygen. No one had to convince us. 

And that my friends is why you all are in my thoughts and prayers. Prayers are more powerful than any other human act a person can give. In fact, prayer is dare I say, the greatest gift someone can give another human being... Perhaps I will delve into this more in another piece on another day.   

So back to world news. Oh yeah.....humans are f-ing up the world!

We seem to have forgotten or some may never have realized that all we have didn't just appear one day. It was given to us by our Creator (I call Him God) and He gave us some very simple rules to live by in order to keep and maintain this world and in gratitude, just what did we go and do? We deny Him and His rules. We mock Him and we make it seem as if humans created God rather than God creating humans. What is worse is in the name of religion, we put human ideology and interpretations into God's own words. 

We have removed God from all places, including some churches, and replaced Him with self-serving ideals, greed and the desire to please and serve ourselves rather than to please and serve Him. We give ourselves all the glory and God none of it. Instead of reading God's word and following His teachings, we paraphrase and manipulate until we hear the message that is easiest on our ears and the one that fits in with our own wants and desires. Anything is wrong if we claim it to be in the Bible and if that is our agenda, just as anything is right if we manipulate and reword God/Jesus's teachings to make it seem that whatever we want or do is not only acceptable but also Biblical. Playing God is not a good look for anyone but God. 

Now we sit with a war in Isreal and a social media full of people who have been previously shut down and shut up speaking out about everything from our current world following Biblical prophecy to child trafficking and the evil one and his followers alive and well and growing in numbers......right before our very eyes, should we choose to open them. 

Okay, so I am not a conspiracy theorist, but I am also not stupid. I am of the mind that this world is very big and there is much we don't know. I have also lived long enough to know that not everything is what it seems, but then again, some things are EXACTLY what they seem. Some of the stuff that is currently being talked about has some pretty compelling "facts" to go along with the stories. It's hard not to question the validity of some of the things that are being discussed. Moreso, there are many people who you would not think to be wild and out there backing up some of the things we are hearing. So what are we supposed to believe and how are we supposed to react? To further confuse the whole conundrum, with the onset of AI, we can't even go by the old adage, "I'll believe it when I see it." The fact is, just because you see it, doesn't always make it real anymore. 

Don't even get me started on AI and man's desire to create what can actually and no doubt will actually destroy him down the line. Yes....we humans are just fantastic creatures.  <heavy on the eye roll>

Then there is me. In the last couple of years, I have been suffering from a crisis. I don't want to call it a crisis of faith, because I have never lost my belief in God, my faith, or the belief in the power of prayer. I guess then, it is a crisis of ME! I have become one of those humans who has become so frustrated with other humans in all facets of life (including religion) that it has been too easy for me to take steps back and reexamine literally everything. 

I have begun to question so much about our world and the human aspect of it all that it has made me not like other humans very much. Are things really getting worse, or do all people my age pass that judgment. OR have things been getting progressively worse over time and that judgment for each generation has been correct? We have become a world of haters and hypocrites who can't view the past for what it was, and accept it for those times and how the people of those times viewed things, acted, and reacted. Instead, we want to put today's values and viewpoints on a people and time where today's values have no place. Thus, we want to ignore and/or cancel the past, totally forgetting that without the past in all of its triumphs and faults, we can't learn and thus make a better tomorrow. Another human failure. 

With all the questions I have been pondering, I have not remained faithful in my religion and that has been something that has literally eaten a hole in my soul. Now don't get me wrong, I was born a Roman Catholic and I am still a RC, but like anything else, the human aspect of it all, yes even the church bothers me. I have become so frustrated with people who call the Church home and yet try to bend and twist the Church's teachings to fit their way of thinking and believing. Why? What is this all about? If the Church doesn't suit your sensibilities then maybe you are in the wrong church, but quit trying to make the Church human run, when truthfully it is God's church in which we are to serve Him and His word, not Him serve us and what we want. 

If it's a self-serving church you want, perhaps you are looking at the wrong end of the spectrum. 

In all of my questioning and soul-gouging, I have been waiting. I have tried to listen quietly and hear what God might want of me personally. I have asked in prayer and even talked to Him as a father to a  daughter. What does my father want of me? Last night, I think the answer hit me. 

As I was watching videos about the world and all that is wrong and evil with it because of self-serving humans, and as I worried (a little) about AI and the deception that it could bring to this already deceptive world, I asked myself, how will I know? How will I be able to tell true goodness from true evil? After all, the evil one hides in plain sight in our world whether it is in our music, our schools, our government, and yes, even our churches. So how will I know if I am doing right or wrong, following the good or the bad? Then it hit me, GO TO CHURCH! Follow not the humans, but the word of God. Pray every day for guidance and the ability to avoid that which is not of God. But then there was one more thing that hit my heart like a ton of brick. We ARE in end times. We have been since day one and how we follow God's words and teachings is going to be the determining factor of our eternity.

 Miraculously, at that moment, some of my Confirmation teachings came back to me. (For those wondering, in the Catholic church, Confirmation is one of the seven sacraments of our faith at which time, we become a soldier of Christ. You can't receive this sacrament unless you are old enough to understand what the church and your faith are all about). Words like "Love your neighbor as yourself for the love of God," hit me pretty powerfully. "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Light," also played over in my mind. After sleeping on all of this, this morning, one other thought kept dancing around, "Be not afraid." These were my favorite words of Pope St. John Paul II. I have loved these words so much that they are literally tattooed on my arm. 

So how am I to go forward? I am going back to church.....God's church. I am going to receive the sacraments every chance I get, and even though the human aspect of things is what has bothered me, my job is to follow my faith and first and foremost do as God commanded. I will love my fellow man as if they are my own flesh and blood because they, like myself, are created by God. I cannot change any other human, but I can change myself, and perhaps through that, others might see and find something in me that helps to change them. I will do my best each and every day to show kindness and compassion, find the good and positive in the world (something I have been struggling with) live all of God's commandments, and live to serve God and not ask God (even in prayer requests) to serve me. His will not mine. I will do all of this without fear and have complete faith that by following God, He will lead me to where I need to be. 

WOW!!! I'm going to be pretty busy just worrying about my own soul and loving others regardless of their souls. Remember, Jesus didn't hang out with the self-professed "holy" ones. He hung out with the broken and bad. Many of those later became saints. Little fun fact, many saints were sinners first. 

See, I told you I had no idea where this was going or how deep it would get. If you felt triggered by anything I said, maybe ask yourself why. I don't typically talk about God this much but today, I think this is what He wanted and this is what I needed....not so much God in general, but my relationship with God and the hypocrisy which I have been feeling towards my fellow humans. 

We do live in a crazy world and without a path, just where might we end up? Who knows how this all is going to end and what we might find out along the way, but perhaps, the upside in all of this, at least for me, is that my crisis of me, may just be at an end. 

Today I fast and pray for peace for Israel and for each of you, you all remain in my thoughts and prayers. 

Why?

So, I have been torn of late being on Facebook. It is truly hard to scroll through the comments and feel as if the world as I once knew it, has been pulled from under my feet. I question, "Is it me who has suddenly lost my way, or is it the world?" It brings to mind many questions that I thought I used to know the answer to, but now I am not so sure. What used to be yes or no, right or wrong or a definite "this" over "that," now all seems muddled in political correctness and what people "want" over riding what is actually "right."

As an adult with some years without political correctness, social media, the race card or the "Me Generation" influencing my every movement, thought and every waking hour, I think I have the ability to see how skewed and upside down this world has become. However, for those who were born with a cellphone in their hand and social media giving them their opinions, they have nothing to compare the atrocities of today to, therefore....what I find appalling, they simply view as their status quo. It scares me, and not just a little bit.

This generation has the ability to have knowledge in the palm of their hand and at the click of a button, but they have no ability to think. We have become a mob mentality society and we have lost our common sense. We are appalled to the point of ruining someones life for killing a lion in Africa, but we have no issue with human babies being aborted up to the 9th month right here in the United States and their organs being sold for money. Why?

It is okay to say that black lives matter, but it is disrespectful and racist to say that white lives matter too. Why?

You are a homophobe and practically black balled if you post a Straight Pride photo on your Facebook page, but applauded and held in high esteem if you wave a rainbow flag. Why?

Christianity and Christians are losing their rights and in many cases being persecuted for their beliefs. Clergy are being told what they can say and how they can say it so as not to "offend" others. Yet, satanists, Muslims and atheists are not held to these standards. Why?

A black person kills a white person(s) and it is pretty much business as usual. However, a white person kills a black person and the media is all over it. Black leaders band together and black communities begin to riot and tear up everything in their view. Why?

We spank/discipline our children and we risk SRS involvement and losing our kids, and yet true child abuse victims run through the system over and over and ultimately are returned to their abusive situations until they finally end up dead. Why?

When did it become okay to disgrace, defile and destroy the American flag? What's more, it is acceptable to put pictures of such behavior on social media. Why?

The examples go on and on but the question remains the same. Why?

Why are people no longer treated equally regardless of race, creed, color or sex? Why do we seem to value animal life above human life? Why is it wrong for a person to work hard and take care of their family, but okay for those who can work but don't, to live off the government at tax payers expense? Why is it okay to ignore the Constitution, our soldiers and our Vets, but okay to take care of those living illegally in our country? Why is it okay to openly worship Allah, satan or bash Christians, but God's name is found to be offensive? Again I ask why?

Since I have laid out the why's, I will end this by asking two more questions and leave the answers up to you.

So...how are we going to fix this? And....when are we going to say.....enough is enough?

What If I Were to Tell You About..........

What if I were to tell you about.....a great movie that I went and saw; that it was amazing and a must see for everyone? Chances are your interest would be piqued. Even if you had already seen the previews for it or heard others speak about it, if I were to dedicate a blog or a portion of a blog to that film, regardless of what you thought you might already know about it, you might actually take the time to go see it. You certainly wouldn't be upset with me or offended that I dedicated a blog to it and in fact, you might even share the blog so others could be informed about said movie. If you do go and see this movie, then by the time you are finished, you have enough real information to make an informed decision on where you stand with the movie. You are no longer basing your idea of the movie on a 45 second preview, or on what you may have heard about it or even on my opinion. You are actually informed about this movie!

What if I were to tell you about......an amazing restaurant that is both economical and has the best food ever? Again, you might be interested enough to try it out. Maybe someone else said they went and the wait staff weren't great or their steak was a little over cooked, but because I am dedicating time and effort in the expression of my opinion.......you might decide to just try it for yourself. In the end, like with the movie, you will have full first hand information to make an educated decision on whether this restaurant is now a family favorite or a never to step into again establishment. When all is said and done, all you have lost is a couple of hours and a few bucks. What you have gained though, is enough real information to make an informed decision.

So what am I getting at? Today in Mass, Father spoke about next week at our church, we would begin having classes teaching about the Church. These classes don't mean you are obligated to join, they are simply information on the Church, it's teachings and practices. Then Father spoke about a study done where people who did join the Church or I assume, any church for that matter, often ended up doing so, because someone simply asked them to come, learn and make a decision for themselves. How simple is that?

Now I am not one to push religion down anyone's throat. I am of the firm belief that a relationship with God is a personal thing, however, if I love God, love my church and both God and my church make my life a better place, then not unlike my appreciation for a good movie or a great dining experience, why not tell people? Perhaps just one person might read this and go to an informative class on the Catholic church. I am sure everyone has their opinion on the Church, but what if you don't have all the information to make an educated decision about it? What if your neighbors "bad experience" growing up Catholic, the media's hype or plain old misinformation aren't the real story? Maybe being a Catholic or even believing in God aren't for you, but can you really make that decision without having all the facts......because maybe you are actually missing something that could turn your life around and make your world a much better place?! Bottom line is, you will never know unless you are informed.

So today I take a page from Father's sermon and I invite you to become informed. If you live in my town, check it out at St. Michael's next Sunday at 9:30 a.m. If you live elsewhere, check out what other churches have to offer in the form of information. You have been asked, so what do you have to lose?

Now.....what if I were to tell you about...... my church and my God? 

God's Word, Man's Interpretation.....A Stream of Consciousness Blog

The other day I was reading one of my favorite blogs and that day she chose to write a stream of consciousness post. I tucked the idea away thinking first....how cool and second....I'm going to do that when the time is right. Well, today seems right. Here is just excerpts of what I have seen and apparently committed to memory this week about God, religion, the Bible and all things religious/spiritual. Here goes.....

In the beginning.....there was God...omnipotent, strong, generous. Then there was man...singular, dual, weak, selfish. God good, the devil bad and the apple eaten. Sin created. God and false gods. Ten Commandments. Jesus. Jews and Christians. The Bible. Gods word, mans interpretation. Israel. Prophets. Saints. Catholics, Protestants, Buddhist, Muslims, Jews. One God...many names. One faith...many religions. Religion without God. God without religion. God without Jesus. Love, hate, compassion, tolerance, acceptance, faith. Love the sinner, hate the sin. Gods word, mans interpretation.

In the name of God we love, hate, fight, curse, kill. We believe, don't believe, mock, shame and degrade in the name of whatever we choose to believe. Christians hate Christians who are not Christian enough. Others hate Christians who are too Christian. Christians mourn atheists and atheist refuse to acknowledge Christians or God. Muslims hate Christians. Christians must die. Jews ignore Jesus and Scientologist worship themselves.

Jesus began Christianity and man began religion. Religion equals church. Church is for believers, the weak, sheep, lions, hypocrites, the faithful. My soul is renewed, restored, born again, lost, never had one. Preachers, priest, ministers, clergy, scandal, respect, dead. Gods word, mans interpretation. Christian bashing, gay bashing, bullying, hate crimes, color, race, hate, acceptance, tolerance, "What would Jesus do?"

Angels, saints, sinners, repentance, forgiveness. Prayer, faith, despair. Lost, lonely, in need. "God are you there?" Unanswered prayers. God's time. Man's will. God's will. Man's ego. Heretic, false god, people of faith. Bible equals...reasons to love, reasons to hate. Gods word, man's interpretation. Evil, good, God without religion, religion without God.

God, Jesus, Mohamed, Buddha, Allah....... In the name of_________I kill, I hate, I judge. Tears, sadness, prayer. I love, I pray, I have faith. War, evil, Holy War. Chips, 666, end of times. Faith. Prophets, bombs, I believe. My God, your God, no God. Are you there God? God is alive. God is dead. God never really existed. God's word, man's interpretation.

Heaven, hell. Sinners, saints. Love, hate. Prayer, mockery. Belief, non-belief. Religion, spirituality, no religion at all. Faith, faithlessness. Good, evil. God, satan. I worship.....self, ego, my grilled cheese, God. A simple God, a complex man. God's word, man's interpretation.

I believe.

I Got Nuthin'......But This!!!!!

I sat down to write...thinking that I really had something to say today. But as I have sat here and my day has taken all sorts of interesting turns....and it is not even noon yet, I am going to have to go with....I got nuthin'!

Well....maybe that is not true. I was thinking about Memorial Day....and what it means and then I got to thinking about the Pledge of Allegiance. Yes...my mind was wandering. The other day I had a fellow question whether I even knew what the Pledge of Allegiance meant. Well...yes I do, but from our conversation....I am not sure he did. But in case someone doesn't know.....here is the Pledge of Allegiance...with my understanding of it's meaning attached. 

The Pledge of Allegiance

I pledge allegiance to the Flag
(I pledge my heart, my soul, and all that I am....and that I will never turn my back on or deny it, because it is
not just a piece of material....but a symbol of freedom earned with the blood, sweat and tears of those who have served, fought for and died for this country)

Of the United States of America
(a place where we stand together...united in freedom and peace)

and to the republic for which it stands
(a government who receives it's power from the people....NOT the other way around and a government who stands behind the people....not in front of them)

one Nation under God
(one Nation...our Nation...recognizing that God is our higher power)

indivisable
(shall not be divided)

with liberty and justice for all
(meaning all legal citizens of this country deserve the same rights, respect and personal freedoms granted to them under the Constitution of these United States.)

So what is not to understand?

Well...enough with my ramblings. I must get back to my curvy day, but not without wishing you all a safe and enjoyable Memorial weekend and a request to remember the men and women who have served and died so that we may continue to live in peace and freedom. God Bless You All!

Happy Memorial Weekend!

Things My Mother Taught Me

This was a piece I wrote in memory of my mom a while back. I know it has been read by many of you before....but try as I might...I have not been able to come up with words that say how my heart feels about my mother...better than this. So on this...my 7th Mother's Day without her....I share this once again.

She was beautiful in every way and she was wise...far wiser than she was ever given credit for. She always marched to her own beat and could be your best friend or your worst enemy....it just depended which side of her you were on. She was a flawed human just like the rest of us....but somehow those flaws made her more vulnerable, more approachable, more Mom. She was a force to be reckoned with and she more than once brought fear into the hearts of my friends....but most ended up loving her and those that didn't....they still had a healthy respect.

My mother taught me many things and today...on Mother's Day....I would like to share some memories and lessons from a woman gone too soon.

She taught me that children are a gift and no matter what....we must always love them. I learned this from personal experience as she always considered me a gift and loved me through good and bad.....and sometimes I was very bad.

She taught me that we are not owed anything in this life and to expect this will only cause us heartache and pain. It is when we work for things we are truly rewarded. This has proven to be true so many times in my life.

Her favorite saying no matter what horrid thing happened to us was...."offer it up." Translation: God offered up His only son for our sins....so we can offer up our pain and suffering to Him. If I skinned my knee....she would kiss it, bandage it, and then tell me to "offer it up." If I failed a test and was upset about it she would say...."offer it up." Even when I was older and I was hurt by things that a kiss and bandage would no longer fix....she would listen and then tell me...."offer it up." Mom always felt that if you must suffer (and we all must) that if you offered it up....your pain would not be in vain. Guess what my children now get to hear????

Mom taught me that you are never closer to God or your own thougths than when you work in the garden. There is a peace and serenity there that can't be matched anywhere else. That is unless you run into a copperhead snake....but that is a story for another time.

She taught me that I would never truly be able to love someone else if I couldn't love myself. If you can't love yourself....then how do you expect anyone else to love you? It took me a lot of years and an awful relationship...but finally I learned to love me....and everything else fell into place.

Mom taught me that faith is essential in life and that prayer moves mountains. I was taught from a very early age to pray not on my terms but on Gods. All prayers are answered....just not always in our time or our way. My little David is living proof.

I learned from Mom that if one is good....then five are better. This may not have been one of her better life lessons...but if sure has been a fun one....especially where shoes are concerned. I mean really can you have too many shoes? Mom had 150 pair when she died....and many still live on in my closet today. Thanks Mom. :)

Finally and more importantly....Mom taught me how to die. Mom had five primary cancers before she died, she went through the loss of a lung, 3 other surgeries, and both radiation and chemo and never once did I hear her complain. Every time anyone would ask how she was doing she would always say, "if it doesn't get any worse than this....then I'm doing pretty good." You can bet Mom was doing a lot of "offering up." She never lost faith that whatever happened next was "suppose" to happen and she used every second of her life to enjoy what time she could. And finally......when the end came....she showed us that she had lived life on her terms and that she would die on her terms. She left this world with more class and dignity than anyone I have ever known.

Mom taught me that life is for the living. Death is inevitable but not to be dwelled on. She made sure that she taught me to let go of the sadness and to only hold on to the good....to the lifetime of memories.....and so Mom...that is what I've done. Happy Mother's Day.

The National Day of Prayer

The National Day of Prayer has taken a beating this year. It has been debated, dissected, and turned into a media dream. Why this year? Why now more so, than any year since 1952? Especially, when it appears that more than ever before we as a country need some uniting?
I know that the old church vs. state argument stating we need a secular government is the first thing that is screamed out by opponents....but the National Day of Prayer is not a law....merely an observance. No one is being forced to pray and no particular religion is being singled out. It is also not merely a Christian observance. Anyone who prays can take part and for those atheist who stomp their feet and cry fowl.....they can meditate...unless of course thinking good thoughts about and for your fellow man and your country is against their own personal beliefs.
What I am saying here is this: This country is in a world of hurt right now. We are having major floods in the south as well as the oil spill in the gulf; we have homeless, jobless people running around; abuse, neglect, and so many other forms of human disrespect. We are in a recession with layoffs and foreclosures happening all around us; and a country divided by political unrest. Wouldn't you think that a day where we all prayed, meditated on or even just wished for some help, some unity, some common ground would be a welcomed change? Or is a united country NOT the "change" that is being sought?
And there has been much controversy and rumor over President Obama's part in this NDP. Rumors have flown that he was canceling it, forbidding it, etc. This does not happen to be true. He has supported it in the past....he has just said he will not take part in it this year. My question....WHY? Why would the leader of a country which is starting to visibly divide and is so full of misunderstanding, intolerance, and racism (from all sides)....not take this day to unite this country? Why instead, would he use it as a tool to further divide. And his very actions by "not taking part" are showing that division in this country is perhaps what he is trying (very successfully might I add) to achieve.
Well....I have done some thinking about this whole situation and I have decided this: prayer is stronger than any man, any group, any weapon, and any naysayer. So I will pray today and with my prayers and the many prayers and good thoughts of others.....we will be heard. I will pray for my country, my fellow American's, our men and women serving their country and all those including you Mr. President who chose not to observe this day.....because as our Pledge of Allegiance so eloquently put it....we are One Nation Under God!

The Power Over Control

Okay....so I admit that I am just the teensiest bit controlling. Fine....I would control everything from the weather to Jay Leno's monologue if I could, but in my defense.....it is not completely my fault. I come from a long line of control freaks...so I believe that I am genetically inclined to this behavior. It is one of my more "un"lovable qualities and one that believe it or not...I spend a great deal of time working on. Believe me....it takes a lot of time and energy to try and control everything in your hemisphere....and when it comes to having the last word.....you just know that is gonna be something I have to have. As much havic as this little flaw imparts on my personal life.....it is nothing compared to what it has done to my spiritual life.

"Let go and let God," was my mothers favorite saying. She too loved to control all in her kingdom....but somewhere along the way, she learned that somethings are completely out of our human control....and more importantly....you simply can't control God. I too am fighting to learn these lessons. I am finding that the older I get....the less control over anything I really have....(although I am still quite good at demanding the last word), but in all things that really count....the only true control I have is the control God allows me.

My spiritual education about just how little control over things in my life that I really had....began with the premature birth of my youngest son. As he lay between life and death day after day...I realized that I had zero control over whether he would live or not. All control was out of my hands....the only one in true control was God.

When I came home to find my husband dead....there was simply nothing that myself or any other human for that matter could do to change this situation. Once again....God was in control....and I was a control freak....with absolutely no control.

Finally.....I think the realization of how little control I really have in this world came to me when my mother was sick. Cancer turned my mother from someone who had to control every situation.....to someone who could easily...."Let go and let God." She became a true child of God.....happily turning her illness, her life, and her heart over to Him....and willingly accepting His will for her....not the other way around. For me....it was another spiritual life lesson that once again brought home the fact that....there was absolutely nothing about the situation that I could control.

I think it was just a short time after my mothers death....when I was feeling very "out of control" about life in general....that I began searching for something that would return my world (and control) back to me. I spent some time doing some major soul searching and looking for an answer(s) that I may have overlooked. Finally...after much searching and even more praying.....one day in a quiet one on with God it came to me. In all these situations where I had felt so totally devoid of control....I had something much more important. I had power. I always had the power right there at my fingertips....I had the power to pray. I had the power to let go of all that was out of my control....and like a child....let God handle it all. (Thus my mothers lesson in learning to be a "true" child of God.) I think it was then that I realized that where control does nothing more than fill your life.....power actually fills your soul....and when you have power....then you really don't need control.

If I am completely honest....control still tries to rear its ugly head in my life on a daily basis.....especially when my son goes without a belt and I can see his underwear, when it rains on my picnic....or when Leno isn't funny, but I have also learned that I have the power to ignore my sons fashion choices, to bring my picnic inside, and to turn off the television....and more importantly I have learned that I have the power through prayer....to turn it all over to God. Don't get me wrong....I still have the "last word" issue....but I am merely a work in progress....so for now.....we will be satisfied with baby steps.

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