Getting Old...Ain't for Sissy's

How is it that most days I feel like I am about 20, give or take an ache and pain or two, but the person in the mirror looks so much older. And it is not that wise, aged well look that stares back at me. It is that scary...."who let your grandmother out of the psych ward look" that graces my mirror.
I saw a bumper sticker once that said...."Getting old.... ain't for sissy's!" I laughed...but had no idea of how true this would be.
In the last few years, everything that had been strategically placed up north, has drastically slid south. My natural hair color is now gray, my skin is becoming translucent and I have the eyesight of a blind person. And apparently AARP has seen me up close as my mailbox is inundated with their literature. Their motto must be "AARP...for those who are 50....or just look that way!"
My children laugh at me, as I now creek when I walk. I have bones and joints popping and cracking that I didn't even know existed. I am still strong however, and can carry my almost 60 pound son....moving him from his wheelchair to the floor or helping him in and out of the car. And I was very proud of this. In fact I was so proud that I was bragging to my dr. about this and all he could say was...."keep that up and you are going to end up with the bladder of a newborn!" I cringed. There went my last grasp at youth.
What is sad is my actions are becoming more and more that of a older person. I have the little 7 day pill container and every morning I take more pills than an addict. There is of course my thyroid pill, my pill for reflux (tell me that's not an older persons pill), my allergy pill, aspirin and fish oil for my heart, red yeast for my cholesterol, calcium w/vitamin D for my bones and B12 so I have the strength to take all the other pills.
I also have the older person attitude. You know the one where you go around telling everyone to put a sweater on because....YOU are cold. And somehow all my stories now start with....."back when I was a kid"......and as they should....my children run for cover.
I don't know when all this happened. It seems just like yesterday I was standing around rolling my eyes when my mother tried to dispense her words of wisdom.....now I AM her. My body used to make it's own estrogen; my hair used to have a color; and I used to not care whether anyone wore a sweater or not.
But alas....time has marched on and my maturity is starting to show. I guess I have earned my bottled estrogen, my bottled hair color, and my oh so many bottles of pills. Maybe all that is left for me to do is sit back, relax and put on a damn sweater!

Poor, Poor Political Me

I am NOT political. I have stated it before and I will probably go to my grave screeching those words. I do in fact though....know when I became piqued by the idea of politics. It was about the same time I discovered message boards. I had joined one that my then favorite radio disc jockey had started. It was local and it was a lot of fun. I was enchanted and many an evening I would stay up past my bed time laughing and joking with my new friends from the message board. Sadly though, my favorite disc jockey was to move onto greener pastures and a much larger market, so my new found friends and I disbanded....until one day when I received an email from the creator of the old radio message board. He invited me to another board which he ran. This one was a politically conservative board (which at the time I suspicioned that I was politically conservative)...so I tried it out. At first...it just wasn't a good fit at all. I realized then and there....I was politically illiterate. I could no more carry on an intelligent conversation with these people than the man in the moon. And what was worse was....these were not "think tank" or political analyst type people. These were average citizens: housewives, blue collar workers, with maybe a lawyer or engineer thrown in the mix just to keep it interesting.
These people knew their politics. They read the paper, watched the news, and were not just up-to-date, but up-to-the-minute on what was going on both domestically and abroad. I was astonished. This was a world that I didn't even know existed.
While my first instinct was to turn and run...because I knew that I was never going to post a word and make myself look a fool with these people...instead I stayed. I became interested in how another housewife might see the world around her or how the blue collar worker viewed the president as opposed to say the lawyer or engineer. So I started reading...and as they posted links...I read different articles about what was going on in the world of politics. Before I knew it....I was actually learning. Still though....I knew so little and I was so afraid that my words on any political subject were so unintelligent....that I still refrained from posting....until one day. I was reading through the different topics and the responses....when I came upon one about abortion. Now abortion I do know something about, but in my naive little mind....I never connected it with politics. For once I was not afraid to post and I did. It opened the door to literally thousands of more posts and more political education than I could ever imagine.
Soon....I not only became intelligent enough to carry on a political conversation....but I also became intelligent enough to defend myself even when up against the staunchest liberal attack. Best of all....I knew what was going on in the world and could carry on a conversation about politics that even surprised me at times.
Soon I was even infiltrating liberal websites defending conservative thoughts, beliefs, and values. Several times I was kicked to the curb before I even opened my mouth (after they found out I was conservative), but other times I was allowed to stay so that I could be made an example of . It turned out though....I was not an example they wanted the rest of the world to see, so often my posts were either deleted or removed so others could not see them. However....I actually made some liberal friends along the way. There were a few who I never actually turned into conservatives....but they did respect my views and at the end of the day....we were able to agree to disagree. (Believe me....you don't find that with many liberals).
One day though, I woke up and I could no longer fight the good fight, or argue politics any further. While a learning experience full of new and interesting people, it was also a daunting task. You learn as you go to ignore unintelligent name calling, or child like abuse and behavior....and you never take it personally because most of us all want the same things. The problem however is often how differently we feel those things should be obtained. I just couldn't fight the same old pat liberal arguments and the same talking points over and over again. So I just left the message board.
It felt so good to not feel the need to defend myself, my beliefs, or my rights....especially since I was not a political person to begin with. For a while (a year or so....to be precise) I happily avoided the news, I turned the channel when anything heavier than The Big Bang Theory came on.....and I was in a state of bliss.
Then the world changed. What was promised was distorted or not carried through with at all. We were dealing with bailouts, a country on the verge of bankruptcy, forced health care insurance, and a president who saw nothing wrong with mocking the American people who disagreed with him. I was shocked and ashamed that I wasn't paying more attention. I had friends out there physically standing up for what they believed in and trying to save our Constitution and the rights of all of us, while I was hiding in a blissful....but very unrealistic state.
So I did the only thing a non-political woman like myself could do. I started writing. I started speaking out through my computer. Slowly I am working my way back to the message board and on the way....I am letting those who care to read what I have to say...just how I feel about the country I live in.
Why am I doing this you might ask? Especially when those who know me know that my plate is full to overflowing as it is. Because I have kids. What happens today, right now....is going to affect them tomorrow. Decisions that are being made locally, at a state level, and at a federal level are going to be my kids future and I owe it to them to make sure that future is a good one. I don't want my kids suffering the unnecessary debt of ridiculous bailouts, nor do I want them forced into health care insurance that will end up costing them more than their parents ever dreamed of paying. I want them to have the same American dream that generations before them have had and I want everyone of their Constitutional rights in tact.
Does all of this make me political? I don't know. I have had some, more educated than I say... yes. I still want to say NO! All I know is that as long as the change does not appear to be working.....I will have to speak up and speak out. Oh poor, poor political me!

Wow....It's Been Awhile

Dear Blog...
Please forgive me....but I actually forgot about you. Nice to know that you were willing to patiently wait for me. Life has continued on since last we talked. The boys have grown as have I and we are now in the midst of another spring.
We have a new addition to our family by the name of Ayden and soon he will be celebrating his second year with us. Yes, I am a proud aunt...although I rarely get to see the little tyke.
I was a grandmother again last year.....but only for a short while, then we found out it was a lie, told by a young girl who either wasn't sure who the dad was, or was rolling the dice trying to pick who she felt would be the best. At any rate....it was heart breaking and I wanted a do over...letting my heart be broken yet once again. I survived....we all survived, but I still think of the little girl who was a part of our family and loved by all for those few months.
It is now 9 years since my husband left us and 8 years since Mom has been gone. I miss them both terribly, but blessedly I don't usually have the terrible missing feeling for both of them at the same time. Sometimes I just really need my husband, and others....I feel like a little girl again and really need my mom.
The kids are growing, getting older and becoming the individuals that they are. My oldest two (my husbands from another marriage) are experiencing the joys of adulthood. My beautiful daughter has seen her share of sorrow and fought through those nasty little curves that life seems to throw at us all from time to time. She has suffered, but I know she will prevail for she is strong like both her father and her mother and she will come through all of this a stronger woman and the sun will eventually shine in her life again.
My son....he now has beautiful twin daughters. He too has felt the struggles...most of it starting with the loss of his dad. But he is learning to be a good man....and a strong man. He is learning how to share in a relationship and most of all how special little ones are and how important it is to not just biologically be a dad....but to truly be a father.
I am really proud of both of these kids although I can take no credit for the wonderful individuals they have become....for that belongs some to their father....and a great deal to their mother.
My biological oldest...I have no idea about. He is somewhere, doing something and I have no idea about any of it. I realized this year after our 1000th battle and him not knowing what he wanted and me not being able to read minds.....that the day I lost his father....I also lost him. I can't fix whatever broke inside him that day and the resentment he has for me being here and his dad not.....is impenetrable. I have tried in every way I know how for so many years and I have cried more tears than anyone will ever know. The fact is....the little boy/the young man....that I once knew died the day his father did and all that was left for me to do was to mourn him....for that person is never coming back and the one that is here is not someone that I can let continue to try and control and hurt my family. I never in a million years thought I would say this about a child of mine....but he is gone. The person he has become is a stranger to me and one I find it very hard to feel for. It is the person he used to be that remains in my heart. Heartless for a mother to feel this way....absolutely....and perhaps this gesture in my life is my ticket to hell, but it is also the only way that I can maintain sanity on this earth....or any kind of peace within my family.
My youngest two continue to grow and even thrive. Again....being broken myself....I am not sure how much credit I can take for their thriving....but it is a miracle to watch.
The oldest of the two is no longer a boy....but turning into a man. He is beautiful and talented. He has my creative heart and his fathers strong will. There is nothing this young man can't do and to watch him with his little brother often brings tears to my eyes for he never sees him as disabled....just as his little brother. And he handles him with the perfect amounts of gentleness, kindness, and good old brotherly love. It is an amazing joy to watch. I can say without a doubt that the sky is the limit for this young man. Anything he wants in life....he can achieve....because he is a doer, but he knows how to do it with a great amount of humanity.
Finally my little guy. He is no longer little! He is now 9 almost 10 and ready to not only move up a grade, but change schools altogether. I have much pride mixed with large amounts of anxiety....but not him. He always seems ready for whatever life tosses his way. I, like my older son do not see a disability when I look at this little one.....I only see my son. But occasionally, others try to bring me down to their reality of his disability and for a moment or two I glimpse him as they apparently see him....but then he does something remarkable....and he is back to being just my son....capable of doing anything and taking on this big old world on his terms. However....I never lose sight of what a miracle he is or how he has so profoundly changed my life.
So as I said....life continues on. We ride out the storms and rejoice in our victories....no matter how large or how small they are.
Well Dear Blog.....I am sorry it has been so long since we have had the chance to catch up. Maybe now I can stay in contact better....but if not....I know that you will remain here....steadfast and patient......ready for me to return with an update that takes us from "beginning to end....and back again!"

Veterans Day....Every Day

I didn't post this on Veteran's Day for a specific reason. I don't believe that just one day a year should be the only time we think about these brave men and women...and honor them. I think that every time we see "our" nations flag flying....we need to remember that without them...this flag...which represents our freedom may not be flying. Every time we verbaly chastise someone in office, speak our mind about a law, or protest for a cause....we need to remember that without them....these things might not be our right to do. Everytime we step outside our homes, drive to work, and come home to our families....we need to remember that without them....these things which have become a way of life without a second thought could all be gone. So I say to you who have done so much, for so many without asking for or receiving much in return....thank you. Thank you for putting your lives on the line so that my life and the lives of my children are safe. Thank you for realizing that freedom isn't free and that some things are not only worth fighting for....but in some cases....also worth dying for. Thank you for doing an unacceptable job, in unacceptable conditions....knowing that some will use the very freedom you are fighting for to disparage both you and this country....and never miss a beat. Most of all...thank you for helping to give my children and I a place to call home that is free from fear and terror.....while you suffered both to give us that. So no....yesterday alone should not be the only day we honor these brave individuals who put our lives before their own. In my humble opinion....each and every day should be Veteran's Day.

Cmom©2007 all rights reserved.

Erma Bombeck.....My Hero

I was going through some books the other day....when I happened upon a book by one of my all time favorite authors.....Erma Bombeck. I sat and read a few pages and found myself once again getting lost in the life of one of America's original domestic godesses. I always thought of her as a cross somewhere between my mother and my aunt. Her antics, her thoughts, and her views on children are what I experienced at both home and every family reunion I ever attended. In fact....at one time....Erma was my all time hero. Anyone who had the ability to turn the everyday and mundane into humorous fodder for the masses deserved some kind of an award in my book. For years she was my inspiration and I wrote frantically hoping to be the Bombeck of my generation. Unfortunately though....life happened and my writing fell so far to the back burner.....that it was hardly recognizable. One day...a few years back....I dusted off my pen and paper and thought I would write to my idol and let her know what an influence she had been on my life. For someone who always found something to say about everything....I suddenly found myself without words. How do you tell someone they are an inspiration to you? How do you tell them that whenever you were sad you picked up their books and they helped you find the joy again? How does a 30 something woman say....."Erma Bombeck....I want to be just like you when I grow up?" Saddly....when the words finally came...it was too late. Erma Bombeck had died....and with her death....came the reality that this woman was a one of a kind. Never again would the world truly see that The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank or fully understand just how much she really lost ....in the Post Natal Depression. I felt the need to tell her family just what this woman had meant to me.....so I sent this note.


Dear Bombeck Family:

You have my deepest sypmapthy and sincerest consolensces on the loss of Mrs. Bombeck. I know that you have all lost a wife and mother.....but I just wanted you to know......I lost a hero.

Sincerely......

So with all this being said...I thought I would share some of my all time favorite Erma Bombeck quotes:

Cmom©2006 all rights reserved.

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

I have never gone to the bathroom in my life that a small voice on the other side of the door hasn't whined, "Are you saving the bananas for anything?"

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-rearing, they are unemployed.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the Tv set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.

Who, in their infinite wisdom, decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies and the sand out of our belongings.

Mother's words of wisdom: "Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!"

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.

Most children's first words are "Mama" or "Daddy." Mine were, "Do I have to use my own money?"

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?"

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you a re served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there's a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.

Poetry Anyone???

I have the heart of a lion but the soul of a poet. Words mean a great deal to me and making them mean something to others too....is one of the best parts of my life.



I KNEW I WAS LOST………

I knew I was lost…
when I was forty, sitting in my high school algebra class.
I knew I was lost…
when I was at an important meeting,wearing only my underwear under my coat.
I knew I was lost…
when I was twelve again and my mother was alive and brushing away my tears.
I knew I was lost…
when I reached across my pillow
And touched my husbands beautiful, sleeping face.
I knew I was lost…
when I woke up…
And it had all been but a dream.

Cmom©2006 all rights reserved.

TO DO LIST

I let the dog out,
I let the dog in
I dropped off the laundry
By the way,
here’s your pin.
I went to the store
They were out of your brand
I went to the school
Your son’s failing band
I sent in our taxes
I hope they were right
Oh…and I’m having an affair
Don’t expect me tonight.

Cmom©2006 all rights reserved.

PAPERTRAIL

Shows promise and ability to excel...
Said the faded piece of paper
A report card dated 1978.
Good worker, gets along well with others, goes above and beyond.
Yet another faded piece of paper proclaimed.
Job evaluation dated 1995.
Cause of death…heroin.
Final piece of paper stated.
Coroners report dated 2004.
The paper trail of my sister’s life.

Cmom©2006 all rights reserved.

LIPSTICK

He asked for my lipstick
straight faced as a judge,
while applying my own
his words made me smudge.
“Any special color”, I asked,
cautiously hiding a smile.
“Cherry red’, he countered
Or possibly ‘Berry be guile’
It goes with my heels,
And won’t clash with my skirt.
Nothing too bold,
I won’t be labeled a flirt.”
“Your heels, your skirt?
Are you joking”, I asked.
“Oh no not at all,
I’m just becoming unmasked.
I’m a man in a cage
With two kids and a wife.
I’m living in hell
Yes this is my life.
I have to break out
Be who I am.
Your lipstick will help
Make it ‘Very Cherry von Dam”.
“You are crazy”, I muttered,
And gave him the gloss.
What could I say…
I mean he is my boss?

Cmom©2006 all rights reserved.

GARDEN OF PAIN

The rose gardens’ smell
intoxicates and fills the senses
And the beauty is beyond words.
He talks to me and I to him.
We share our thoughts our feelings
For a moment we are family,
Just Dad and I.
I fall under the spell and let my guard down.
The shoes come off,
And I take the first steps into the garden.
I become entranced by the beauty of the moment.
I breathe deeply and sigh gently.
It is a world like no other.
Suddenly though, reality takes over.
Step…“You are worthless.”
“Ouch,” the blood begins to ooze.
Step…”You will never accomplish anything.”
“Ouch,” the pain begins to grow.
Step…”I don’t know why you were ever born.”
“Ouch,” the wounds go deeper with each step.
The sad reality…..
The moment of beauty is not worth the depth of pain.

Cmom©2006 all rights reserved.

MY ROAD

The straight and narrow
A path well worn
But I chose the other
And faced much scorn
The signs said “Stop”
I moved ahead
The signs said “Slow”
And away I sped.
Everyone said,
“Life is not that hard.
Just follow the rules
And stay on your guard.”
I always laughed
Threw caution away
Rules were just one thing
From which I would stray.
Now looking back
I can certainly see,
The roads I have taken
Often came with a fee.
If given the chance
Would I change the before?
Oh no, not at all,
I wouldn’t be me anymore.

Cmom©2006 all rights reserved.

The Power Over Control

Okay....so I admit that I am just the teensiest bit controlling. Fine....I would control everything from the weather to Jay Leno's monologue if I could, but in my defense.....it is not completely my fault. I come from a long line of control freaks...so I believe that I am genetically inclined to this behavior. It is one of my more "un"lovable qualities and one that believe it or not...I spend a great deal of time working on. Believe me....it takes a lot of time and energy to try and control everything in your hemisphere....and when it comes to having the last word.....you just know that is gonna be something I have to have. As much havic as this little flaw imparts on my personal life.....it is nothing compared to what it has done to my spiritual life.

"Let go and let God," was my mothers favorite saying. She too loved to control all in her kingdom....but somewhere along the way, she learned that somethings are completely out of our human control....and more importantly....you simply can't control God. I too am fighting to learn these lessons. I am finding that the older I get....the less control over anything I really have....(although I am still quite good at demanding the last word), but in all things that really count....the only true control I have is the control God allows me.

My spiritual education about just how little control over things in my life that I really had....began with the premature birth of my youngest son. As he lay between life and death day after day...I realized that I had zero control over whether he would live or not. All control was out of my hands....the only one in true control was God.

When I came home to find my husband dead....there was simply nothing that myself or any other human for that matter could do to change this situation. Once again....God was in control....and I was a control freak....with absolutely no control.

Finally.....I think the realization of how little control I really have in this world came to me when my mother was sick. Cancer turned my mother from someone who had to control every situation.....to someone who could easily...."Let go and let God." She became a true child of God.....happily turning her illness, her life, and her heart over to Him....and willingly accepting His will for her....not the other way around. For me....it was another spiritual life lesson that once again brought home the fact that....there was absolutely nothing about the situation that I could control.

I think it was just a short time after my mothers death....when I was feeling very "out of control" about life in general....that I began searching for something that would return my world (and control) back to me. I spent some time doing some major soul searching and looking for an answer(s) that I may have overlooked. Finally...after much searching and even more praying.....one day in a quiet one on with God it came to me. In all these situations where I had felt so totally devoid of control....I had something much more important. I had power. I always had the power right there at my fingertips....I had the power to pray. I had the power to let go of all that was out of my control....and like a child....let God handle it all. (Thus my mothers lesson in learning to be a "true" child of God.) I think it was then that I realized that where control does nothing more than fill your life.....power actually fills your soul....and when you have power....then you really don't need control.

If I am completely honest....control still tries to rear its ugly head in my life on a daily basis.....especially when my son goes without a belt and I can see his underwear, when it rains on my picnic....or when Leno isn't funny, but I have also learned that I have the power to ignore my sons fashion choices, to bring my picnic inside, and to turn off the television....and more importantly I have learned that I have the power through prayer....to turn it all over to God. Don't get me wrong....I still have the "last word" issue....but I am merely a work in progress....so for now.....we will be satisfied with baby steps.

Cmom©2007 all rights reserved