Sad

Well, I did intend to get back to my past today, but I'm still just not feeling it. In fact, I am actually feeling so much, that telling my story of the past just isn't where my brain is. 

Before my brother's death, my emotions were already in an upheaval. At times, my home life can get strained with all the personalities residing here, to the point we can severely grate on each other. Truth is, we had been actively grating for the last few months, and in the midst of it, I knew Andy's time here was waning. I found myself wondering after each text or conversation if that might be our last. I jumped every time the phone rang and if his or Gail's name came up on my phone, I literally had to take a breath before answering. In hindsight, my emotions were already preparing me for the inevitable, even though I tried to carry on as if the reality simply weren't real. 

When Andy died, it unexpectedly shook me to my very core. The very thoughts and emotions that I thought I had tucked away or avoided, came rushing out and it felt like the biggest sucker punch I had ever had. I felt so off balance and maybe because he was the last of our original four (other than myself of course), losing him made me feel like an abandoned child. 

For days, my mind could not allow me the last view of my brother's face as he died; tired, worn out, and ready to move on from the pain and suffering he had felt in the last six years. The only face I could see in my mind's eye was the little boy that I grew up with. I saw the blonde hair, blue eyes, and sweet smile. I heard his voice laughing, joking, and talking to me like we used to as kids. I heard him singing to Rockin' The Paradise, and I saw him painting. I watched his 13-year-old self behind the wheel of a car on Greenwich as Berty and I sat back holding our breath and hoping he wouldn't drive us all into a fence, and I remembered the hug I got the first time I came home from college. Never before had there been such a hug. My brain simply wouldn't allow the current reality, only the best of the past. 

The day after Andy's passing, I found out that I was going to be a grandma again. My son's girlfriend had found out the day Andy died. I couldn't help but wonder if he had orchestrated this from his new home. Something so wonderful and so exciting though, I couldn't even get my head around. I sat dumbfounded and almost unable to comprehend the news. It was not the reaction they were hoping for and it certainly wasn't the reaction I would normally have given, but in the moment, it was all I had. And yes...I spent the next couple of days profusely apologizing for my lackluster reception of their amazing news. 

I went through the following days, the funeral included, in a fog. I felt and still do feel to a certain extent as if I'm in a dream that I will wake up from and that Andy and I will still be kids with our whole lives ahead of us. Then reality hits and I am all too aware that there will be no waking up from this one. 

In the course of all of this, my youngest son David, who has cerebral palsy and a multitude of other diagnoses, suddenly developed a lump that was hard as a rock on the back of his leg. A trip to the ER told us that he had a deep abscess which was drained while we were there, and we were sent home with a 21-day supply of antibiotics. By week's end, however, the abscess had filled back up and rehardened. We were back to the ER and once again, the abscess was opened and drained, this time to a much larger extent. 

Now back at home, I have to use my non-existent medical skills to keep the abscess, cleaned, changed, and free from infection which is no small fete as I live with two six-year-old walking petri dishes as well as three dogs who love nothing more than to lick David every chance they get. Add to this the stress that he was supposed to have surgery to replace his VNS which is a device that controls his seizures and its battery life has almost run out. He currently can't have the surgery until all the infection is gone from his body and we don't know exactly how this will affect his seizures if the battery runs out before he can have the surgery. Needless to say, my nerves are a raw mess with the impending possibility of causing a complete emotional implosion. 

It was on our second trip to the ER, that I found myself wondering why I wasn't handling all this medical stuff with David better. I usually do doctors, ERs, and hospitals without even batting an eye. Why was I not sleeping and spending most of my nights checking on David, walking the floor, and sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop? Why did I have moments of feeling like I couldn't breathe and other moments where I was so incredibly angry that I had to go to my room and not talk to anyone for fear of exploding in a tirade with no real provocation? Why was my tongue just oozing with sarcasm (much more than usual) and why did I have to force myself into cooking, cleaning, and putting up Christmas decorations? Why? Why? Why? Then it hit me as I watched the surgical resident digging inside David's incision feeling around for the abscess and causing blood to flow onto his newish Spongebob pants. My stomach was churning (not because of the blood), my head was pounding and my emotions felt like they were currently residing in my ribs. I was sad. I was completely and undeniably sad. In fact, I was so sad, that my mind and body were reacting as if this sadness was their new permanent residence. I was in that deep cavernous emotional spot, where it felt like no matter what the days and weeks held, they were somehow going to err on the side of negativity and feed into this deepening abyss that the last few months and weeks had created. What's worse is, that this was not my first rodeo with the feeling of abject sadness where my body remained constantly rigid and ready for that other shoe to hit the ground and bounce over and over again. 

It was a little over 22 years ago when I had experienced this phenomenon for the first time and back then it had lasted several years. This was not just a passing emotional time for me. This was sadness and anger moving in bag and baggage to stay a while and all I could think was......Not today satan, or sadness or emotional wreckage, or whatever this is. Not this time. I have way too much in my world to just give in and give over my peace and serenity this time. It was at that moment that I emotionally slapped myself hard and pulled myself up by the bootstraps. If I knew nothing else, I knew that I was not honoring my brother by falling apart and I couldn't fix anything if I just let sadness, grief, and frustration consume me and pull me under.

So today I write all of this. Will anyone read it? Will anyone care? Does it even matter? Of course it does...to me, and by putting words to all of this, perhaps it will release some of this sadness and help me to move forward. 

I can't control others, not even the sometimes overwhelming individuals that reside with me, but I can control how I react to their words and behaviors and what I am willing to allow for myself. I can also look for ways to honor Andy. He was not an ostentatious person, so quiet acts are how I will proceed. As for David, he will always keep things interesting and keep me on my toes. That is just who he is and each time we are met with seizures, sepsis, kidney stones, and abscesses, it is just a reminder of how strong he is and how strong he has made me. It also makes me realize that with every one of life's speed bumps, David touches someone's life (whether it be a doctor, nurse, or fellow patient) and leaves a lasting mark that only he can leave. Nothing happens without purpose. Absolutely nothing. 

So once again, I have opened my personal wound and let it bleed out on paper. There is a certain amount of relief for me, and maybe, whoever reads this, will find something in all of this that touches a chord for them. 

No matter who you are, life is going to throw out some unexpected crap, that blindsides you and leaves you wondering....WTF? That is just life, but mixed in with all of the crap, there are also wonderful things like new grandbabies, beautiful grandchildren, memories of a blonde-haired, blue-eyed little boy, and the joy and laughter that a special young man brings to my life daily. 

Yes, I am still sad, but I am aware I am sad and this time, I will take that sadness and create something beautiful, that only such sadness can create. 

Until next time......

Just Built Different

There is a mantra that those in their late teens, and early twenties like to currently throw around. It is, "Nah. I'm just built different." This last week and maybe for the last couple of decades, this seems to be a pretty good description of me, my life, and my view of the world. When I compare myself, from my beliefs to how I do things, sometimes even in my own home, I legitimately feel like I am a completely different being from most of those around me. 

Okay, maybe this sounds a bit dramatic, but the fact is, anymore when I give my opinion (solicited or otherwise), share my beliefs, or even when I just converse with others, it is very hard to wrap my head around the vast differences that become glaringly evident. Even when I really try to understand the thought processes of others, and how they might possibly get from point A to point Z in their beliefs, I am often left baffled and wondering if we are even living on the same planet. 

A perfect example of my "built different" theory is never more plain than when I see a "Karen" video or really any video where someone's first thought is to video rather than take action. I have no understanding of any person who makes it their mission in life to dominate, overtalk, or demand that others cater to their wants without regard for anyone else, or for those who just wish to dictate, direct, and decimate when things don't go their way. What is more, Karens are not limited nor is any one sex, ethnicity, country, or age group free from this diseased personality. My only question though is why? 

When did we as a world decide that we would allow another human being to stand in front of us and cuss us or anyone else out and do nothing more than pull out our phones and videotape? When did disrespect over a business's rules, a messed up fast food order, or someone taking a parking space, become acceptable behavior? When did businesses, airlines, and fast food workers decide that they can discriminate on any level for any reason and belittle, deny service, and spew hate to customers, not for business reasons such as theft or true abuse, but merely for personal reasons, such as complaining about bad service or a wrong order? Did we all lose our minds and forget that we are all human, we are all going through something, and that kindness goes a lot further than nastiness and egging on an already volatile situation? Also have businesses big and small, forgotten that customer service is a real thing and without customers, you have no business? 

When it comes to people who feel entitled to discriminate without reason, scream obscenities without a filter, and try to push their will and agenda ahead of others, I simply don't get it and I certainly don't get that to many, the first reaction to viewing one of these situations is to be pulling out a phone and capturing the moment on video. I am definitely built different. 

This also goes for seeing someone hurting someone else, either physically or verbally. My first reaction in such a situation is certainly not going to be to pull out my phone. My first reaction would be to step in and say or do something. In my humble opinion, many people who are the aggressors in these situations do it so openly for one basic reason. Because they can! They know that most people aren't going to do anything more than watch and record and they don't give two figs if their picture is posted all over YouTube and TikTok. In fact, for many of these narcissistic personalities, this is modern-day street cred. However, if someone steps up and steps in, often like most bullies, they will at the very least back off a bit, and sometimes, because they are confronted, will stop altogether. 

In this weird world and time we live in, we seem to forget the power that we actually hold in these situations. In many cases, all it takes is for one person to step up and that alone will break the grab my phone and video societal trance we seem to gravitate towards, and others too may follow suit and step up. There is strength in numbers, but even one person taking a stand against a bully or an abuser, can change the course of events and maybe even save someone. 

Here is the sad thing though. I said this exact same thing to someone the other day and they looked at me as if  I might need committal papers. I was told that you can't get involved with situations like this. It's too dangerous and it's not my business anyway. WTF??? First of all, it's no more dangerous for me than it is for the person being abused, and two, my involvement was forced the moment the abuse happened in front of me. What is wrong with people? Have we lost our sense of right and wrong and most of all, our humanity? Yep. I'm built different. 

Recently a poll was taken, asking moms if they would put their lives on the line for their kids and even willingly die for their kids in a desperate situation. Do you know that an astounding number of mothers had to think about this question before answering, and some even openly stated that they would not in fact put their children's lives above their own in a desperate situation. I was literally stunned. Now of course, none of us knows how we would actually react in a situation where life, death, and seconds counted, but I would really like to think that if my children, or any child for that matter, were involved,  I would put their lives above my own and do my best to make sure that they came out of the situation safely. To even question whether I would do everything I could to save them or not, is unbelievable to me.....so again.....built different. 

This last week, I had several people question my beliefs on and my handling of death. As many of you know, my brother passed away last week after a long battle with cancer. What I learned, or maybe already knew but the point was driven home further is that all deaths and grieving processes are not created equal. It is different losing a parent from a spouse or a child from a sibling. How they die, whether it is sudden or a prolonged process also affects how it is handled and processed, but one thing is definite, regardless of preparation, you never know how it will hit you until the moment it happens. 

The absolute sadness I felt as I stood there knowing that my brother was gone and that our last conversation, was indeed our last conversation and where we had left our relationship is where it would stay, hit me so profoundly that it was like getting sucker punched and having all the air leave my body. 

As siblings we had spent a lifetime of both closeness and estrangement and to my disbelief, my grief was questioned by a couple of people who were simply mere acquaintances and really didn't know either my brother or I. Luckily I am of an age that I felt no need to justify or explain my emotions, nor I am sure, could I, even if I had wanted to. My question though, who is so bereft of human compassion that they would feel that my grief was their business or their right to judge?

To further cause me to create an impassible boundary with non-essential humans in my life, my actions and reactions following my brother's death and about death, in general, were brought into question. The fact that I chose to remember humorous and funny moments and share them with a smile and even laughter was found suspect, as well as my belief that my brother and I have not said good-bye, but merely until we see each other again. This seems to have caused a bit of a stir among those who strongly believe that death is the end. It has even been suggested that I live in a delusional world of fairytales where I see death as a beginning and very much plan on seeing not only my brother but all I have lost, at some point in the future. 

To all of this though, I have to wonder, why does anyone care about my grief and how I handle it or my belief system where death is concerned? How does this become anyone else's business and why would anyone feel the need to chime in their unsolicited opinions about any of it? Why does any of it matter to anyone but me? I would never think it my business or my place to tell anyone how to grieve, how to process or how to believe in such a situation, and yet apparently people have gotten so comfortable in judging and throwing their opinions wherever they choose, that they feel it is their right and privilege to do so. NO! I am apparently just built different. 

Okay, so this was a bit all over the place, not unlike my emotions and the activity of this last week. Perhaps you will have to cut me some rather generous slack this week and try really hard to follow the dots that connect my own point A to point Z. I guess this is part of the joy of coming along for the ride in this blog. You are apparently going to get all the feels and messiness that go with it all. 

I have been in a weird place this last week and this is where I come to dump it all. Next time we will head back to the past again where I am a little more sure-footed and more pragmatic than emotional, but for today, the here and now is where my emotional wounds are oozing (sorry for the visual), and hopefully, the healing is just beginning.  And....if you have stuck with me through this entire ride, maybe like me, you are just built different too. 

Until next time........

Dying of Fear

Today got me to thinking. I woke up and realized that 25 years ago today, a tragedy occurred that changed our country and the lives of everyone in the Alfred P. Murrah Building in Oklahoma City forever. The homegrown terrorists, whose names I will not even mention in this blog piece, at 9:02 a.m. on April 19, 1995 set off a bomb outside the federal building which injured approximately 680 people and killed 168 people including children in an on-site daycare. People could hear the bomb go off for miles and when the dust cleared, the devastation left behind had us all staring at our TV's in shocked disbelief. Our quiet spring morning had been disrupted and destroyed by domestic forces who wished to destroy and terrorize with the one goal of causing paralyzing fear and devastation. Their efforts while dedicated did not have their desired effect. Yes, they caused devastation but they also brought about something they could never have imagined in the people they hoped to debilitate with fear.

On that day, they brought about a strength and fearlessness that most of us never knew we even had. First responders and everyday citizens alike, bolted into action on a search and rescue mission while others stood by helping in anyway they could. People from across the country jumped in their vehicles and headed to Oklahoma so that they could offer their services in anyway possible. Those that couldn't be hands on, had hands folded in prayer as we watched the grueling footage of rescues and recoveries. We saw tiny bodies, bloodied and bruised being pulled out of the wreckage and we saw faces of family members, pale, tear streaked and waiting for word on their child, parent or spouse.

In all of it's devastation though, instead of filling us with fear and immobilizing us to run, hide, do nothing and hunker down in perceived "safety", it made us strong. We stood strong for those who had lost their lives that day, for those who had lost people they loved that day and for the state of Oklahoma who was suffering a loss that no state should ever have to endure. We stood strong against terrorism and those who tried to strike a blow against our country as a whole. We were all Oklahoman's that day, but more importantly, we were ALL Americans and we had a long history of standing up and fighting. Fear was not on the agenda...even with the realization that there were those in our own country that hoped to make us fear, make us weak and take us down from within. Were others out to get us? Was travel safe? Were Federal buildings, arena's or large gatherings even safe anymore? We had no idea but NO ONE was going to force us into fear.

Yes, today.....it all came back to me. So that is why I am switching gears and bringing us to the here and now.

Let's talk COVID-19. We are in week 3 or 30 (who can remember at this point) of all but "essential" businesses, schools and people being on lock down. Social media is still flooded with fear and mainstream media is still flooded with inaccurate mortality rates and fear mongering. It appears that gone are the people of 1995 or even the people of 2001, who refused to allow fear to rule them. Instead we have been replaced by an over reactive people who have traded common sense for fear and who refuse to listen to facts preferring a bought and paid for media who can't keep their stories straight. What is worse is that a majority of the people are all too easily ready to trade their constitutional rights for a perceived "feeling" of security in the guise of complete government control. We are no longer strong and fearless, we are weak, scared and ready to be picked off by our enemies. We are not Americans, we are a sad people gearing up to repeat the history of atrocities we swore would never happen again. Wrong....it's happening.

So we spend a lot of time speaking of "essential". Who decides essential? Call me crazy, but in our own way, aren't we ALL essential? Isn't every business whose income that provides a home, food and necessities for a family essential?  Isn't every business who has a payroll that provides for other families essential?  And isn't every business who pays taxes and helps to keep the economy up and running essential? So who has the right to say that you or your business is not essential? Constitutionally....no one, especially not those in government who smile while "hunkering down" and eating ice cream bars while their own actions are systematically destroying the country.

Now let me ask you, after you have come out of hiding, what happens when we finally realize that there are many viruses and flu's which we have REAL numbers on that are far deadlier as a whole than COVID-19? Have we set a precedence that we just never let our lives, our businesses or our economy go back to normal? Do we just remain in the security of our homes, with our hoarded toilet paper.....until we as individuals can no longer afford our homes and the government can no longer afford to continue stimulating the people with government checks?

I have got to ask, when the fearless Americans with common sense and a love of their constitutional rights left the building and these scared, frightened little pod people took over their bodies? This country and the world even, have survived illnesses and diseases much worse than COVID-19 and most without any vaccine to cure them. Bubonic Plague, Cholera, Dysentery, Yellow Fever, Scarlet Fever, Tuberculosis, Polio and yes....the Flu. They all have been contagious, miserable and even deadly and yet the world continued on. Economies didn't fall to the diseases and people built up immunities for many of these diseases while others we were lucky enough to find vaccines for and wipe them out completely. In most cases when these diseases hit, people had enough common sense to quarantine "the sick," or the exposed for the a specific number of days and then life went on. So what is the deal with us?

Someone told me the other day that the problem is that no one wants to die. Huh? Like it or not....that  is happening.....for all of us. None of us gets out a live, but what kind of life do we have if we have to live it in fear and hiding out from COVID-19, the next virus or the flu? The truth is, in the last 25 years, we have had far more deadly diseases run through our country and yes, there were casualties, but never have we over reacted to the point we are at now. Do you ask yourselves why?

The truth I believe is that this whole Corona situation became a very convenient political ploy in an election year. I think a ruined economy and a fearful people are going to have a big effect on a presidential election. I think that there were those who felt they were losing their political holds and COVID came on at the perfect time to make a public with a short memory focus on fear rather than facts and to put all of their thoughts and energy into a virus rather than to what was going on in congress just a few short weeks before. Let's face it, for some, COVID-19 basically erased the slate of  unjust and unconstitutional indiscretions for many. So yeah, there are many in congress relishing this virus, it's effect on the American people and the paycheck they are still collecting while everyone else is worried that they might not be able to pay their bills.

Come on people, surely you haven't lost every ounce of common sense you had and surely we are smart enough to know when we are being played by people we elected. Luckily, some people across the country are starting to wake up and realize that our own congress and heavy handed governors have the potential to be far more dangerous than any virus out there. They are protesting and demanding their constitutional rights, as they and their families rely on them being as essential as anyone else. How are government is handling these protests should be a wake up call to all of us. And here is a question, do you think any citizen of any "free" country ever deemed that their government would take over and they would lose their freedom, their rights and even their lives? Did it happen anyway? You all know the answer and THAT is what should scare you.

Guys, I am not saying that COVID-19 isn't real, isn't contagious and can't kill. However, so is the flu. So are diseases like Polio, mumps and measles that many "choose" not to vaccinate for. And yes, there will be deaths. There will always be deaths because.....people die. But as I said before, even more people may die because of lock-downs. Has it ever occurred to you that mental health crisis and suicides are on the rise during all of this? Addiction relapse is happening at an alarming rate and abuse in families is also rearing it's ugly head. People are losing their jobs, their businesses and in some cases they can't even go for a drive without police deeming them non-essential and arresting them for violating lock-downs. People are starting to feel the constraints of government controlled fear and they are dying or killing because mental health is getting dangerously low. Also the fear that many are carrying because of all of this....have you looked into the devastation that fear and stress can cause on someone's body? The stress from continued reminders by the media that we should be afraid can cause both mental and physical issues that can lead to life long health issues and yes....even death. And finally, what about those people who "follow the rules," and don't leave their homes. What do they do? Many lay around, eat, don't exercise and yes....are getting depressed? What do you think that is doing to peoples health and how many people are going to have life and health altering issues because of this?

Hero's don't run and American's don't hide. They never have. We are strong, we use common sense and we certainly don't play Chicken Little, and yet here we are. COVID-19 is not the first contagious and life threatening virus we have faced down in our history and it won't be the last. What it is though, is the first virus we have allowed to scare us into submission and have allowed to destroy our economy, our way of life and our mental health. And it is the first we are willing to hand over our free will and our constitutional rights for.

I for one am not afraid. I never have been. Yes, I might get it and yes.....I might even die from it, but if I die, I won't go out in fear, because I will know that my last days, weeks and months were not lived in fear. They were lived in strength and joy and I am pretty sure that my 1995 me and my 2001 me, would be very proud. Can you say the same?  I hope so, because too many right now are dying of fear.

The Power Over Control

Okay....so I admit that I am just the teensiest bit controlling. Fine....I would control everything from the weather to Jay Leno's monologue if I could, but in my defense.....it is not completely my fault. I come from a long line of control freaks...so I believe that I am genetically inclined to this behavior. It is one of my more "un"lovable qualities and one that believe it or not...I spend a great deal of time working on. Believe me....it takes a lot of time and energy to try and control everything in your hemisphere....and when it comes to having the last word.....you just know that is gonna be something I have to have. As much havic as this little flaw imparts on my personal life.....it is nothing compared to what it has done to my spiritual life.

"Let go and let God," was my mothers favorite saying. She too loved to control all in her kingdom....but somewhere along the way, she learned that somethings are completely out of our human control....and more importantly....you simply can't control God. I too am fighting to learn these lessons. I am finding that the older I get....the less control over anything I really have....(although I am still quite good at demanding the last word), but in all things that really count....the only true control I have is the control God allows me.

My spiritual education about just how little control over things in my life that I really had....began with the premature birth of my youngest son. As he lay between life and death day after day...I realized that I had zero control over whether he would live or not. All control was out of my hands....the only one in true control was God.

When I came home to find my husband dead....there was simply nothing that myself or any other human for that matter could do to change this situation. Once again....God was in control....and I was a control freak....with absolutely no control.

Finally.....I think the realization of how little control I really have in this world came to me when my mother was sick. Cancer turned my mother from someone who had to control every situation.....to someone who could easily...."Let go and let God." She became a true child of God.....happily turning her illness, her life, and her heart over to Him....and willingly accepting His will for her....not the other way around. For me....it was another spiritual life lesson that once again brought home the fact that....there was absolutely nothing about the situation that I could control.

I think it was just a short time after my mothers death....when I was feeling very "out of control" about life in general....that I began searching for something that would return my world (and control) back to me. I spent some time doing some major soul searching and looking for an answer(s) that I may have overlooked. Finally...after much searching and even more praying.....one day in a quiet one on with God it came to me. In all these situations where I had felt so totally devoid of control....I had something much more important. I had power. I always had the power right there at my fingertips....I had the power to pray. I had the power to let go of all that was out of my control....and like a child....let God handle it all. (Thus my mothers lesson in learning to be a "true" child of God.) I think it was then that I realized that where control does nothing more than fill your life.....power actually fills your soul....and when you have power....then you really don't need control.

If I am completely honest....control still tries to rear its ugly head in my life on a daily basis.....especially when my son goes without a belt and I can see his underwear, when it rains on my picnic....or when Leno isn't funny, but I have also learned that I have the power to ignore my sons fashion choices, to bring my picnic inside, and to turn off the television....and more importantly I have learned that I have the power through prayer....to turn it all over to God. Don't get me wrong....I still have the "last word" issue....but I am merely a work in progress....so for now.....we will be satisfied with baby steps.

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