I won't lie.....it is probably a combination of nerves and feeling awful after no sleep last night but.... I am scared sh**less (and not just figuratively). If I hadn't had the pain in my side for all these months I probably wouldn't be as concerned....but I am! I really am! Luckily....with a colonoscopy.....I will have results before I walk out the door. Now if I remember those results or not.....that could be a whole other issue. Guess that is why they insist on people having drivers with them after these things. So someone can actually hear the results and remember it.
Many things are going through my sleep deprived mind this morning. A young man the age of my older son from my little town is in the hospital fighting for his life. He used fb to hint at a tragedy that was to come and then his poor mother found him in the aftermath. My heart is breaking for all involved. If only he could have understood that even from the darkest storms....rainbows appear. It makes me so incredibly sad!
I also....for whatever reason....have been contemplating memories. Memories of a time when tv went to bed for the night just like we did. The broadcasting day always ended with the American flag waving to our National Anthem and if you were up.....you stood up and put your hand over your heart and then it was followed by a high pitched buzz and then the "Indian Screen" which stayed in place until broadcasting resumed the next day. There were no late night infomercials, no 24 hour weather radar, and no Nick at Night. There was just the Indian Screen.
Finally I am thinking about the "what if's. " What if I find out that today's procedure shows something? What if my life changes drastically from that moment on? After all...it would not be the first time that I have lived through drastic change....but I think the key word here is....."lived!" I can't help but wonder how a cancer diagnosis would change my life, the life of my children and me as a person? I truly pray that I am not faced with having to find that out.....but I know that I am not special and that everyday hundreds of thousands of people are faced with finding out that cancer is their new way of life....I just don't know how they deal. How I would deal! In a few short hours I will know the results. Will it be old life or new life? I have to say.....the old life.....with crazy teens, seizures, insane dogs, a dirty house and all that goes with it......are looking just pretty darn wonderful right now. God....I think you know my vote.....if my vote counts.
Well...it is time to get this whole thing started. So I leave you with one of my favorite new songs and I hope someday to be able to ask someone: You Gonna Kiss Me or Not? Here's Thompson Square!