I have mentioned several times recently both in conversation and with written word, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again......expecting different results. I think I might also have mentioned that YES.....I am probably very much insane.
I don't have the issue of repeating my negative actions in any area other than with my children. It appears that in all other walks of life (for the most part) I have learned my lesson and try not to repeat my mistakes. However...with my children....time and time again I find myself doing the same thing over again. I won't say that I "expect" different results......but each time......I am hopeful that things may take a better turn than the time before.....and each time.......I am proven to be one insane individual.
I am currently living with yet another attempt at "hopeful insanity." The details yet again I will not bore you with......mostly because this time.....I don't come out looking so good. Anyone who hasn't learned from their repeated attempts of giving second, third and 55th chances not only looks bad to others.....but should also be wearing WELCOME across their forehead! The first step is admitting it......right?!
Okay.....where was I? Oh yeah, anyway.....while in the midst of my hopeful insanity, He Whom I Will Not Name....suggested to me ever so impolitely yesterday that I (me) had a sh!tty attitude. What??? Me???? Having an attitude that is less than pleasant anytime? What the heck was he talking about? He went on to say that he felt he could not carry on a conversation with me because my attitude was not sunny and glowing all the time. Hmmmm. Really?
Now I know that I have absolutely no need to explain myself or my actions to anyone. Especially not someone who has proclaimed to be a "grown ass man" many times over the years but still cannot manage to pay his own bills or find a ride to work. Still though....he caught me off guard and I began to feel the need to explain why perhaps sunshine was not always illuminating from every orifice of my body. Damn.....immediately by me trying to explain myself he realized I might be feeling guilty about my lack of sunniness and thus he went on to elaborate on how crappy my attitude was....telling me that "everyone has problems" but why is it okay for me to have an attitude about them. Damn again......he was using my own words towards him towards me and taking them out of context. The boy was good.
The whole time he was talking I was trying to think of exact incidents where I had been truly sh!tty recently. I really couldn't think of any. Upon relaying this to him.....his reaction was that of total disbelief followed by....."you really don't remember how sh!tty you have been?" It was about this time that the sarcasm (which I speak fluently) began flying off my tongue. Was I being sh!tty when I gave him a ride because he wrecked his car and now has no transportation, or perhaps it was when I was feeding him because he has no money for anything except for paying fines, or no maybe it was when I "gave" him a cell phone and am paying the bill so that he has some form of communication?! His reaction to all of this? "See....there you go again being sh!tty!" Arrrrrrgggggg
The internal hemorrhaging that I seemed to by pass the other night.....well I think it began last night. What does it mean when your head throbs and you have pain in your chest? Oh yeah....it means you have KIDS!
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