A Good Place

Interesting times in Lisaland! I have been two full weeks without employment and I have worked harder in those two weeks than I have in the last two years. I have had amazing energy (God given I am sure) and I just hope that I continue to be this energized for the next several months. Maybe right now my energy comes from a feeling of real purpose....something I haven't really envisioned myself having for a very long time.  Truthfully....I haven't felt like this since before Tim died and after David was born. After he was born I willed myself to have energy so that I could give it all to David so that he would live. I remember being just hours out of a C-section and up walking to prove to the staff that I was capable of getting to the NICU under my own power. From there it was sitting by his bedside and refusing to close an eye because somehow I felt if I were there watching him....he would live. Once home.....I focused on David (so did Tim) and we willed him to continue growing and to remain strong. Once Tim died though....I think my energy just left. Even when I was driving Mom back and forth to the doctor, radiation and chemotherapy....I remember feeling as if my energy was zapped. When she died....it was as if she took the little that was left of my energy with her.

Since all of that.....I have felt drained. It sucks to feel drained for an entire decade but I just felt weighed down. Now though....I feel different. This feeling has been coming on for awhile but now it is as if I have lifted the heaviness and feel an airy calmness. I have been hopping out of bed early (5, 4, and sometimes even 3 a.m.) and I hit the ground running often still busy at 9 or 10 at night. It is a different kind of running too. I have always hit the ground running but much of the time it was running in circles. Now though...it is running with a purpose. The Cheesecakes for David  has taken off and the orders have been amazing. They have also been time consuming between baking them and delivering them. The first few days all I did was bake and deliver and there was little time for anything else. Finally I got into a rhythm. I have always been a better morning person than any other time of day, so I get up early and get the major baking and plating done before the kids are even out of bed. By the time they are up....I can give them my undivided attention. After they leave....then I can deliver early and be home in time to actually get other things accomplished.

So far I have David's recovery room almost ready. I have my home office/pantry/sewing room cleaned, gone through and actually usable. I also have my kitchen cleaned from top to bottom, the fridges cleaned out and I have made great headway on getting all the paperwork and details ready for Davids surgery. I guess David is my priority again and his surgery is the catalyst for all of this. It has made me feel different in a good way and it has been a long time since I could say any of this.

Life is in a good place right now...and I am.....dare I say.....HAPPY?! That is something I have strived for for a very long time but now I am actually starting to feel. Perhaps it is the mentality that I now have that Shriners and this surgery were put in my life for a reason. It is like someone (God) has said...."here is this that I am giving to you, but whether you like the journey to get there or not OR whether you understand it or not.....have faith that I know what I am doing and you will be fine." I have done just that. I have handed it all over and have faith that every good or bad thing that happens between now and the time David has gone through his full recovery....is just part of the journey.  Feeling like someone else is in complete control and that I am just along for the ride takes all the weight off me and makes every day a more productive one.

I think the boys have noticed the difference in me. My house is not so stressful because I am not so stressed. When Momma is stressed in my house....everyone is stressed, and I have been stressed for years. Even Z commented that everyone's stress levels seem to be down. It appears that Z handles his stress just like I do. However....when I lead by example and de-stress....he seems to be following suit. The only thing that makes me a little sad about this new me is....I haven't really had time to blog. I have faith it will come though....as last week I didn't have time to do anything but bake and deliver and this week.....I got a ton of other things done along with the baking and delivering. It was all just about prioritizing and organizing my schedule. I also haven't been able to fit working out into my schedule but that will come too. It is all still just a work in progress.

Time is flying and soon it will be surgery time. It was kind of a shock to realize that David's last day of school before his surgery....will actually be his last day of school this year. It made me a little sad, but I know that this surgery will give David the best chance at independence possible. Before we know it...summer will be here too. Things just seem to be spinning in a whirl wind...but I apparently work better this way than when there is calm. Perhaps it is because I have no time to worry or dwell on the what if's that usually never even come into play. I like this life right now and I am content to have 16 hour days when I know that I am doing it all for a good reason and my kids are the best reason I can think of.