2014....Thank You

So here I sit on this last day of 2014 and I am reflecting. Of course I cannot reflect properly without being in my pajamas with my hair uncombed and a cup of really good pumpkin flavored coffee. Check! Check! AND check!

It is not lost on me that at this exact time last year, Z and I were sitting in the surgical waiting room at St. Louis Children's Hospital, praying that David would be undergoing his last hip surgery and that 2014 would be the year he walked. He has walked. He is doing well and hopefully, our prayers of that day will continue to be answered.

This last year has presented my family with a lot of hard times running the gamete from physical to emotional. We have upped our ER/hospital frequent flyer miles, I have had to use my "outside" voice on a few people in several situations and I have had to spend a great deal of time fighting against the machine. There have been tears, frustration and at times I have even wished for those little kid days where I could just pull the covers over my head and hibernate until.........

Yes, this has been a really tough year and in some ways it has remained that way right up until this very minute. I posted on facebook the other day that I was kicking 2014 to the curb and never speaking of it again, because on that day.....that was all I could think to do to move forward. Then someone posted, but what about the good memories?! It stopped me in my tracks. There were good memories!!!! In fact, there were some amazing memories. More over that, once again.....I was put in the position to see the extraordinary kindness of others. While 2014 had some rather sucktacular moments, it also was filled with the generosity of others. That is what I choose to focus on.

In 2014, I literally had to beg for help. It was at one of the lowest points in my life. Amazingly though, people who had their own struggles came out of the woodwork to help my family. Some who helped knew me and were in fact, close to me, while others only knew me from fb and still others didn't even know me at all. Because of them, my family was able to survive. Then there were those who gave of their time and skills. The summer was filled with individuals who worked all day and then spent their evenings in my backyard so that David could have a pool to do his therapy in. It was no small task and there were several weeks where these individuals had 14-16 hour days because they went from work straight to my house and stayed until late digging, building and giving David the pool and deck of his dreams. It was a success all the way around, as in no time after starting his pool therapy......David was kicking and strengthening his legs and yes....walking with his walker.

So.....it occurs to me as I sit here typing, that in retrospect, I have a great deal to be grateful for and that 2014 had many more bright spots than I originally gave it credit for. I think rather than dwell on the tears, I will just focus on the events and people that helped us, made me smile or flat out changed my/our lives for the better. To all of you who helped us, even in the smallest way......I thank you. For all the people who flooded our lives and made sure we didn't have to face the difficult times on our own.....thank you. To those that built us up, had a kind word or were just there to listen when all I had were tears and inaudible sobs......thank you. For those of you who laughed with me, sat around the fire with me and maybe even shared a drink with me......thank you. To all of you who prayed for us......thank you. To the doctors and nurses who fought for David, worked with David and helped to make sure that David had the best of medical care on each and every ER/hospital stay.....thank you. To the EMS who have earned their own frequent flyer miles coming to my home this past year and transporting......thank you. For those who labored in my yard, showed up at the drop of a hat to fix things and who helped me to save what little money I had......thank you. To all of you who helped us financially.....thank you. To my old friends who never left me, my new friends who this year has brought me and those that don't even know us but lended a hand anyway.......thank you. For my church family, my biological family and my hand picked family......thank you. To those who have bought cheesecakes and who continue to buy them knowing that is my income......thank you. For those who continue to be there for us and check up on us......thank you. You all know who you are and I hope you know that you have made 2014 a better place for my family and I because of your presence. Thank you!

I guess that 2014 held much more than just a few tears. After all.....I/we are still here and I am sitting in my pj's drinking pumpkin coffee and blogging about the positives. I would say that is a pretty good ending to any year.

Before I finish this final blog of 2014.........I would like to wish you all safety tonight and a wonderful.....peaceful......joyful, New Year! See you in 2015!

A Little Ragey and My Inner Bitch

So I woke up this morning feeling rather ragey! According to my spell check, ragey is not a word, but since that is an emotion I am feeling.....Queen Lisa of Lisaland now proclaims it to be one. So, I woke up feeling ragey!This led me to think about the kind of day I was about to have and made me wonder if my inner bitch would be rearing it's ugly head. I then began to think about another time in my life when I was considered anything but a bitch. In fact, I was so anti-bitch that I had "people pleasing doormat" scrolled across my forehead. Yes.....I have a large forehead.

Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when I was so eager to make the rest of the world happy, that I never could say "No" or even express an opinion that hadn't already been given to me. Perhaps it was after a lifetime of being undervalued, walked on and taken advantage of (willingly of course....after all....I was a people pleaser), that my doormat self had a psychotic break and my inner bitch appeared.

Like all newly gained super powers, it took some getting used to. At first I was not just ragey, but in fact, a raging bitch 24/7. I had pleased people so long that I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. I didn't even know what I liked in this world. I had spent so many years liking what my parents liked, what my friends liked and what various boyfriends liked, I had developed no real likes of my own.

It also occurred to me that the sweet, always agreeable me had been a bit much for the rest of the world. Maybe this is why I became an ultra bitch overnight. Soon though, I realized that ultra bitch was a bit much too, so eventually I learned to dial her back. Trust me, that was a work in progress with the loss of people, jobs and a bit of self-esteem along the way.

Eventually, I found a happy medium of sorts and was able to keep the bitch at bay unless absolutely needed. As my kids were growing up, the nicer part of my personality prevailed and only on rare but necessary occasions did my inner bitch show her face. I do recall however that the couple of times my children were witness to this full on persona....they weren't sure whether to be proud or horrified that their usually affable mother could be so ummm....errrr....unpleasant. Usually after their witnessing of this slightly darker side of me, they were really well behaved for a period of time. I guess I will call that a bitch perk.

As my kids have gotten older, I have gotten older and the world has turned on its ear, my bitchy persona seems to be slipping out more and more. Don't get me wrong, I have complete control over it these days as it is a finely tuned weapon that I still try to reserve for only those I feel are most deserving. I have also learned that both the kinder, people pleaser me and my inner bitch me can co-exist and even work hand in hand in most cases.

The kinder me will give most people and situations one, maybe two chances to fix a situation. The less pleasant side however, draws the line there. If things haven't changed at this point, then likely they won't......without a little persuasion. I usually only bring out my persuasive attitude when I am dealing with people and situations having to do with David, telemarketers who refuse to respect the no-call list, insurance companies of any kind.....and the cable company. These are my nemesis and they must be made to pay for their evil doing. Yes, there is a reason that certain people will see me on the street and avoid eye contact and there is a reason that when I call the cable company I am immediately connected with a supervisor. Another bitch perk? You be the judge!

In retrospect neither doormat nor ultra bitch are very flattering descriptions of a persons character. Neither wins you true friends nor a very satisfying life. As time has gone on, I can't say I miss the doormat me very much. I did however try to hold onto the kindness that went with that period of my life. The inner bitch of me though, she has proved herself to be an asset in some crucial situations. She is an effective tool for showing people how deadly serious I am where my son and my internet, phone and tv service are concerned.

There is a happy medium there where I believe the best parts of the two personas can exist. I can be kind, easy going Lisa by day and in a moments notice....don the black cape, throw on the UB t-shirt and become Ultra Bitch when necessary. I am good with that.

So there you have it. A little more about me and a view into the strange and sometimes scary inner workings of my thoughts. And to think.....this all started because I woke up......a little ragey!

Remodeling My World

I love my blog and I especially love my readers and their comments. As usual, on Monday's blog I received a couple of on blog comments and then several outside the blog via Facebook messaging and email. It was overall deemed a positive if not humorous blog by all but one. The one, possibly a PETA affiliate was highly upset that I would promote eating elephants or any other species with a face. It just goes to show, you can't please everyone, but I stick by my analogy. After all, it wouldn't make any sense to say something ridiculous like......eating a two ton Buick. Yes.....I am in fact rolling my eyes right now.

So Monday I talked about repairing my house and doing a bit of remodeling in my world. It has been on my mind for a long time and I have done stuff here and there, but I am craving change right now and looking around, there is not a room in my house that couldn't use some change. Some of the change is merely cosmetic and some of it is major necessary, down in the dirt, get my finger nails broken kind of change. My house also may or may not have a few issues like asbestos in the popcorn ceiling which I am NOT going to touch and asbestos in the basement tile floor which I am going to seal over.

I have one room project in the basement which is in mid remodel and I am going to finish it in 2015 along with the rest of my house. I am not sure about my electrical and I am sure my plumbing is a mess but over the years, both have been tweaked here and there. All in all, there are some big jobs, but for the most part, it is a lot of elbow grease, paint and repair.

My mother always taught me as a child, that if you were going to clean a multi-level house, you always start at the top and work your way down. That is how I intend to repair this beast too, with the exception of possibly working on the basement room as my skills increase. Funny little side note......I put a HELP WANTED ad on fb for my local friends, to see if anyone wanted to teach me some mad carpentry skills. Sadly, the line was short for takers. Short as in non-existent. (Sad face). That is okay though, because I have not given up and if all else fails, I will YouTube my way through it all, but come on....does anyone really want to see the fall out from that???? NO!

I will be starting upstairs in Davids room. It will be his belated birthday and Christmas gift. His room will need a good paint job and his floor will have to also be painted. We have hardwood floors throughout the house and they were put in when the house was built. They however, were never sealed but instead covered with carpet. The people prior to us (years ago) had pets in the house who thought just about every room in the house was a toilet. Because of this.....when we pulled up carpet several years ago, we learned that these beautiful, original floors were deeply pet stained. Since I do not have the money for my floors to be redone, I am looking into painting the floors.

Davids room is going to be a Spongebob theme with Spongebob colors and I plan on painting his floor to give it a sandy, beachy kind of look. The walls will be the Spongebob blue and I am going to have someone paint the Spongebob characters around the room.

Since our house has dormers, in David's room there is a built in desk between the wall and the dormer. I plan on removing that desk and either A) building a bed with storage underneath or B) making it a covered bench for him to crawl up on, look out the window and again.....have storage underneath. Yeah, this is out of my carpentry skill level, but I bet I can learn!!!! This is going to be my January project.

Yes, there will be before and after pictures. Yes, I would love any suggestions. Yes, I still need paint supplies, tools, building materials, an artist and a carpentry teacher, but other than that.....I am golden!!! Seriously though, if you are looking to unload any of this stuff and/or you have any Spongebob stuff you need gone......I'm your gal!!!

Well, there you have it. The projects are soon to begin again. I just have to survive the holidays first! I predict that my Wednesday blogs in 2015 are going to be interesting. So for now, see you later and have an awesome hump day!

P.S. No elephants were harmed figuratively or literally in the writing of this blog. They were however nibbled on a bit! (Grin)

Eating the Elephant

My life is changing....for the better I think. After 50+ years, things seem to be coming together and life lessons seem to be sinking in....to a point anyway. I am now living my life as if there is a giant elephant that I must eat. Yeah, bare with me. I promise this analogy will make sense in a minute. Here goes........You can't eat an elephant all at once and my particular elephant is a couple of tons. So how do you eat said two ton elephant? One small bite at a time. See.....aren't you glad you stuck around for the analogy explanation?!

Okay, so my elephant is all facets of my life and every day, I am trying to take a bite. Some days those bites are tougher than others.....literally, and other days those bites are much more palatable. Whatever the case though, this elephant is going down!!!!

One piece of this whole change thing, is my home. My home was built the year I was born. I have lived here a good chunk of my life and although it has many issues both structurally and cosmetically....it is my home and I love it. Quite honestly, even if I won the lottery tomorrow and could afford a huge new home, I think I would stay right where I am and just remodel. Sorry neighbors. You seem to be stuck with me! Of course the remodel would likely cost more than a new house, but did I mention I love my home? Because of this, I have a plan for 2015. It is NOT a resolution...it IS a plan and trust me, the two are very different. 

My plan for the new year is to remodel (within my non-existent budget) and refurbish my home. I am going to once again do it a bite at a time and in the process, give myself and my children the home we both need and deserve. The only problem I can see with this plan is.....I have no clue what I am doing. While YouTube videos and How To books are helpful, I am much more of a hands-on learner. If someone shows me how to do something, I am golden, but videos and books fall short in my learning curve. That is why I am going in search of a handy-person/teacher. That's right, I'm gonna find someone to HELP me eat that damn elephant. 

I figure if I can find someone with mad carpentry/electrical/plumbing skills, a kind heart and the willingness to teach me how to repair my home myself, then I should be in good shape. I am sure as people read this they already have their hands in the air, jumping up and down and saying, "Pick me!" In case though, that is not the case, then I am patient (don't laugh) and I can wait for this person to magically appear in my life with tool belt on waist and hammer in hand. As long as they appear before Jan. 1st!!!! Perhaps I should write Santa about this........

So you know, this whole thing is going to be another major adventure in Lisaland. Hopefully not quite the adventure that say David's surgery and recovery or the whole pool/deck thing were, but an adventure none the less. Yes, don't worry, I will be bringing you all along for the ride. How could I not? 

Well, I must be off. After all, I have an elephant to eat.....oh and a teacher to find! Happy Monday everyone!

The Give and Take of Change

In my ever advancing years, I have actually picked up a bit of wisdom/knowledge along the way. One of the things that I have learned is that everything has a give and take, all actions have consequences and most importantly.....we must own our choices regardless of the outcomes. Possibly though, the most important piece of knowledge that I have become aware of is......you are never too old for change. 

Sometimes change is forced upon us through no fault of our own. That change is not always what we immediately view as positive and therefore, we fight it tooth and nail. Other change though, can happen deliberately or inadvertently through our own actions. If you change jobs mid career and start down a whole new path, that is deliberate change. However, if you go out with a questionable boy, he takes you to a convenience store and robs it and you end up in jail for a couple years as an accessory to the crime, then that is inadvertently. You know you went out with a questionable boy (your choice), but you never saw the robbery or the jail sentence coming. In either case, there are lessons to be learned and if learned and learned well, it is a stepping stone into the future.

Of late, I have finally been making the changes that I have only been talking about for years. The changes are coming in all forms; physical, spiritual, emotional.....you name it. Through these changes, I am learning more about myself and recognizing things that I never saw before. Some work in progress lessons I am learning are: God is always there and I certainly don't give Him the respect or the recognition that He deserves, I can lose weight and be healthy at the same time, my voice doesn't have to be loud to be heard and finally.......there are things worth fighting for and things that simply suck the life out of you. You have to know the difference. I have also picked up on a few other things about myself too. I have a very creative brain with many thoughts and ideas always swirling at once. It can make for a very chaotic thought process at times. More sleep and less stress seem to help it. I have two speeds; lazy and obsessive compulsive. Neither work for me so I am working on a third speed that allows me to meet somewhere in the middle that will not drive myself or my family crazy. Wish me luck!  And finally, I have learned that time really does have a healing quality that nothing else in this world has. I am thankful for that.

Yes, it has been a lot to learn in just a few short months, but I was always much better at cramming to learn than stretching it out over time. Contrary to what we are told in school, those quick and compact lessons seem to have a more lasting affect on me than their slower counter parts.

Don't get me wrong....life is not perfect and we still struggle, pray and try to give back whenever possible, but I am not a victim and I am no longer allowing self pity and frustration to be the key players in my life. I am trying to own and take control of my life, redirecting myself into a better path. I am trying to use my powers of creativity for good and I am finally getting confident enough to believe that possibly I can even sell my ideas and creativity to others in the form of businesses. Anyone need their laundry done? How about a phenomenal cheesecake? No.....I really do make phenomenal cheesecakes.......and I own that!!!!

My new found life and changes keep me going in many different directions and unfortunately......sometimes all at the same time. I am still new to all of this and trying to find the balance that allows me time to grow, time to lose, time to get and stay healthy, time to take care of the people and things I need to, time to help others and yes.....even time to blog, is not always easy. As we slide into the final months of this year, the year that quite frankly started out as one of my worst, I find myself looking forward to the holidays. I know that the momentum will only pick up and chaos is likely to ensue from time to time, but I think I am totally capable of holding my own and embracing sugar plums and decorating while running to doctors and redoing the basement. Yeah...I got this! (nervous laugh)

My life is my own now. Yes, it affects other people too but, my choices are mine as are their consequences. I know there will be accomplishments and failures ahead as well as happy times and not so happy times and wins and losses, but the important thing is, that I am learning and I am changing. It is all part of the give and take of change and becoming self aware......and honestly, I am finding myself eternally grateful for it all. 

Birthdays and Such

So today is about birthdays and such. Okay....well....my birthday. You see, the other day, I turned 52! Like my weight, that is a number that I seldom admit to. It seems though in the last few months, I am no longer hiding behind numbers, fears, anxiety or anything else that has in the past held me hostage. Now....I just roll with it all.

This year was such a different birthday because it just sort of came and went. In the past I would have been filled with anxiety, sadness, expectation and then the inevitable let down that it was all over and all I had to show for it was more grey hair and the thought that I had used up another year of my life. WOW! For someone who never thought of herself as a negative person....that just screams negativity.

As I said, this years birthday just came and went. My day was spent taxiing children to appointments. By 5 p.m., after lifting David and his wheelchair in and out of the van numerous times, all my body wanted was a comfy place to lie down....and that is how I spent my evening, lying down in front of the TV! The day held no pomp and circumstance. I got a few birthday calls and many birthday wishes via Facebook....and quite frankly.....that all just made my day. There is something special about knowing that another human being on the planet, takes a few minutes out of their own busy life and acknowledges you. Yes, I know Facebook prompts birthdays, but just because it is there doesn't mean you have to take the time to comment. People did though and it touched me.

It was funny. As I found myself driving back into Wichita for the third time in one day, I couldn't help but be truly grateful. I was grateful knowing that all my kids and grandkids were healthy and happy. I was grateful that I had a roof over my head and a car that could get me back and forth and most of all....I was grateful that I was healthy enough to lift my 80 lb son in and out of the car as well as his wheelchair. At 52, it was not lost on me that middle age is here and although, I have dreaded it, I know feel very blessed to be a part of the over fifty crowd.

Life has changed a lot for me in the last year. I have had my world turn inside out and felt like I was at the end of my rope so many times....and yet here I still stand. This time last year I was a ball of mixed emotions both excited about and dreading Davids upcoming surgery. After the surgery it was months of hospital and ER adventures. Z went through his nightmares. Financially we have come close to the brink numerous times. We have survived backyard construction, the start of school and and a few unexpected and unwelcome situations......and yet the family has remained in tact!

Through all of the ups and downs and uncertainty of the last year.....somewhere along the line, I quit fearing everything. My voice has gotten louder and I have even lent it out on occasions. I have fought numerous battles and won....and most of all, I finally realized that I am just as important as anyone else in my life. Because of that, I had to start taking care of me. Amazingly, it has not been as hard as I thought it might be.

I don't know if this has all been brought on by true wisdom, or simply trial and error, but whatever the case, I am now becoming more comfortable with who I am and how I feel about me. I finally faced the real me and decided to embrace what I liked about myself and change what I didn't. There is something very empowering about that.....and at the same time, terribly intimidating to some of those around me. Perhaps they should fear the 52 year old me. (snicker snicker snicker)

Yeah, I am now another year older. It's really not that bad. In fact, if things keep heading in their current direction, I might even go as far as to say.....52 seems to have the potential for being one of my best years so far. 

A Kansas Girl

 Photo by: Robert Baker

Life is a whirlwind, but I am busy and quite happy. The only thing missing is this right here! Today I decided to take a few minutes and do a little blog therapy since blogging has been shoved aside of late for silly little things like responsibilities, appointments and the necessities of daily life. Balance is the key and like all keys, I have lost it. I have said a prayer to St. Anthony to help me find it and hopefully like all my other keys, this one will turn up too. If the St. Anthony part threw you, not to worry. It's a Catholic thing. (wink)

So years ago, I was privileged to spend the early part of December in Florida. As I boarded the plane in St. Louis to leave, it was cold, sleeting and they had to de-ice the plane before we could take off. I was dressed in about 10 layers of clothing, trying to stay warm and as we landed in the Sunshine State, I was so thankful for those layers as I began to de-layer myself right there in the airport. Just a few hours earlier it was in the teens with a bitterly cold northern wind blowing and white sleet all around us. Now though, it was in the high 70's, a bit of humidity, sunshine and palm trees all around us. It was then and there that I decided that I could easily be a Florida girl. The only things stopping me from packing my bags and relocating were....money (I was also a poor girl) and more importantly........Fall.

It was glorious to spend seven days in that beautiful state and I loved that it was December and I was wearing shorts. The days were very warm and the nights were comfortable. We even got a thunderstorm very reminiscent of our Kansas spring storms. It was amazing, but very heavy handed with what amounted to only one real season. As much as I love the warm and balmy, 365 days of the basically same stuff might be a bit of overkill. When I finally got back to Kansas and the proper 20 degrees, cold and ice, it somehow just felt right. That is when I realized I was a season girl.

Kansas takes a lot of ribbing for it's flat plains and it's distinction for being non-distinctive to those who have never been here, but say what you will, it is also one of the few states that enjoy true seasons and the individual beauty that each season brings. Most states are pretty unbalanced having only one maybe two actual seasons. However, step into Kansas and regardless of the time of year, you are stepping into a season.

While most of you who know me or read my blogs know that I favor some seasons far more than others and you also know that I am not at all a fan of winter. That being said, I do however appreciate winter for its season and for what it brings to the table in the big scheme of the seasons. Kansas winters can at times rival our northern brothers in cold and ice. Throw in our notorious winds and the wind chills can make frostbite an inevitability if you are outside too long. The only thing we don't share with our northern kin is our snowfall amounts. Usually we don't get more than a foot to two feet in a season.....and that is just fine with me. By the time spring begins to show itself, most of us Kansans are ready to bid a not-so fond farewell to winter.

Spring is one of my two favorite Kansas seasons. From the first signs of new life pushing up through the ground, the warmer days and the subtle change in the air, I shed my winter sulk and begin to enjoy this new season. My favorite part though.....our famous Kansas storms. There is nothing that invigorates me more than the first storm of the season. There is something about the heat, humidity and the electricity (both literally and figuratively) in the air that stirs the blood. Maybe it is the sense of possible danger that looms behind every roll of thunder and every lightening strike or maybe it is just the cleansing you feel as the storm moves on, but whatever it is, Kansas storms are special and they make me long for them the other nine months out of the year.

Kansas summers are full of heat, humidity, wheat fields, blue skies and they are what every Kansas child dreams of in the long cold months of winter. Our temperatures can at times rival our warmer siblings with temps soaring as high as a 110, but it is seldom a dry heat as we have the humidity of the genteel south too. Because of this combination, there are days when 95 degrees can feel more like a 105 and be quite dangerous too. All in all though, this weather makes for long leisurely days by the pool and many endless outdoor evenings looking up at the stars.

However, the best time of the year (only rivaled by spring) and the main reason I will only ever be a Florida girl in my mind, is because of Fall! Fall in Kansas is special to me. There is something so wonderful about that feeling, when you know that the summer heat has finally broken and the days cool to the 60's while the nights cool to a chill. There is true beauty as the  leaves begin to turn and on certain days, the sky is such a deep blue against a sun whose heat becomes less and less that it is cause for amazing spiritual joy. The colors dazzle with their reds, violets, oranges, yellows and browns and your steps crackle as the leaves dried and brittle crunch under your feet. There are football games, bonfires, mittens and coats. Most of all, there are mornings like this.

The rain is drizzling outside my window and their is a chill in the air. Looking out the window, I watch as the world prepares for the changing of the seasons and the trees and plants prepare for a long sleep, I feel happy. It is a warm slipper, pumpkin latte, cozy blanket kind of day. It is a curl up, read a book and blog kind of day. It is a warm house, apple cider, pot of chili kind of day. It is a Kansas Fall kind of day.......and one of the many reasons that I love my home.

Yes, the upcoming winter will be too cold. Snow will drive me to distraction and next summer I will curse the heat, but at the end of the day.....I am a Kansas girl and Kansas is where I think I'll stay.

Happy "Fall" Monday!

Grief, Guilt and Parenting

I can honestly say that there is nothing in this world I love more than being a parent.....most of the time. In fact, next to being a writer, being a parent was the only other thing I ever wanted to be growing up. I always saw myself as a mom, writer or not. However, I learned early on and am still learning to this day......parenting is a lot easier in theory than in acutality.

As a kid growing up and being one of only two children, I was always very envious of the kids that came from big families. I had a lot to be envious of as in my town, five kids in a family was considered small and anything below that....well your parents just weren't trying hard enough. I always imagined and dreamed that I would have a very large family with lots of commotion and chaos. Eventually through marriage and a yours, mine and ours scenario, I got my five kids and all the chaos and commotion I could ever dream of. Back in the day, in our little 3 bedroom, 1 bath, 900 sq. ft. home with the older four kids, I considered my life amazing. We fought for space, bathroom time and of course, the kids just fought to fight, but in the strangest of ways, it was the absolute happiest time in my life. Then it all changed.

In 2001, the happiness turned to grief and my parenting changed forever, Suddenly I was doing it all alone. The oldest was married, the next one was living back in MO with his mother ready to graduate high school and it was just the youngest three and myself. We now had a bigger place with room to spread out and the chaos and commotion were slowed to the more and more often angry outburst of teenage grief and defiance at an unexpected and unthinkable turn in his life. The dad he had loved, relied on and basically begun to emulate was  snatched from his life and all he was left with was.......me. Harsh? Yes, but at the time......that is how we both felt.

A strong parent would have taken this life change by the horns and established dominance, guidance and security for the kids from the get go. I however, was anything but strong. I was reeling from my own loss and trying to comprehend and process the fact that everything I had known and dreamed of, was gone. My world was inside out and I knew that if I wasn't capable of processing all of this at my age, these kids.....especially the teenager.....had to be spiraling out of control. I learned that he was not alone, for back in MO, a similar situation was also occurring. This loss was more than any of us could take and we were all losing ourselves in the grief.

I was able to pull myself together enough to realize that like it or not, I was the parent, albeit the only parent, and I couldn't emotionally or physically jump ship. I owed it to these kids to give them the best life I was capable of giving them, I just had no idea how that life would look. So I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and muddled my way through unpaid bills and no insurance or means of support, a special needs child with no handbook, a traumatized five year old who had been alone with his dad as he died and after he died for several hours and a teenager who lost a part of himself as he lost his dad. Had we all been characters in a story, I could have made this a learning experience where each character grew because of the tragedy and in the end there would have been a happy ending, but we were not story characters. We were flesh and blood and quite honestly all I could manage to do was get through the days sometimes just hanging on minute by minute.

As a parent, when something bad or damaging to the family happens, it is instinct to want to protect the kids. We parents also take on a lot of guilt over these situations whether the damage is our fault or not. In this particular situation, the fault was not mine, but the guilt over these kids being in pain and me being helpless to fix the cause of their pain was all mine. I wanted to make everything okay for everyone and so I began to bend over backwards being way to permissive and way too giving of all the wrong things. I was trying to fill an emotional hole with all the non-emotional things and the result was long and lasting disaster.

You know, I watch Dr. Phil sometimes and I see the programs where the "good kids go bad" and I watch Dr. Phil just go after the parents for all of their bad parenting choices. Yeah, there are those parents who choose drugs and alcohol over their kids and when he goes after them I find myself cheering him on, but then there are the others. There are those parents who fail their kids not because they are bad people or they don't love their kids, but because life throws curve balls and these kids don't come with hand books or contingency plans for when life gets muddy. We as parents are human and most of us don't wake up every day thinking of ourselves or how we can make our kids life miserable. On the contrary, most of us wake up every day with the idea that we are going to be the best parent we can be. Our parenting decisions may not all be stellar, but every decision made is with love and with us trying to make the best choices possible....even if there is no obvious good choice to make. I think sometimes Dr. Phil forgets that. Parenting is on a learning curve for most of us and not all choices are cut and dry.

My choices and how I raised my kids changed dramatically after July 2, 2001. I was neither the same person nor the same parent after that and my kids were not the same kids. In that one day, the four older kids aged years. It was the aging that only grief and trauma can cause. I had a five year old who lost his innocence of childhood and a 15 year old who completely lost his way. I was raising these kids in my own grief and guilt and trying to figure out where to go from there.

In the years that followed, I lost and gained control so many times. My kids became my world and all I had left and so my heart was soft for them. Add to that, the fact that they were boys and I was mush. It was not good parenting and too much was excused. When I did come down hard, there was rebellion and with no family support to back me up, mutiny was attempted on more than one occasion. I spent a lot of years trying to hold my own against the simmering rage that became the life force of these boys who not only lost their dad, but also their way.

Quite honestly, there were many days that I felt like I as not enough. I was not enough of a person or a parent for these kids and I know there were times when they wished that I was not the parent who had survived. It made me wonder too. If Tim was here and I was not, would things be vastly different? Would these boys be better off? Perhaps the fact that Tim was a man and therefore far more dominant than myself.....maybe that would have made a difference in their lives. Maybe though, the loss and the grief would have still been there for all of them. Maybe the anger and the testosterone would have erupted in negative ways. Who knows and wondering about the "what ifs" is futile.

If I were on Dr. Phil, I am sure I would receive the tongue lashing of all tongue lashings and in the end we would establish on national TV what I already know in the quietest places of my heart......it is my fault. I gave in and let guilt guide me instead of standing firm. I said yes, when no was the answer. I yelled when anger and frustration were all that I felt and I taught my kids which buttons to push to manipulate me. My boundaries were vague and my choices though made out of honest effort and love....in hindsight were at times....questionable. If I was given a grade card for parenting, my graduation might be at risk. However......

Through all my failings as a parent, I have never not been there for my kids. I have always looked on my children as a gift and I have fought like a protective mother lioness for each and every one of them. My children have always known that no matter what they did, they could come to me. I have yet to disown any of them and when things are darkest, they do still find their way back to me. I have always listened to my kids. It didn't matter whether it was about their day, things that bothered them or the person they had a crush on. I have fought for these kids and I have also made them take responsibility for their actions. I have done my best to teach them how to clean a house, do laundry and cook. Some excelled more than others on these fronts. I have also tried to teach them how to love, have compassion, empathy and respect.....and some days have been better than others.

So this weekend was a mixed bag of parenting blessings. One kid went off. Anger, frustration and growing pains took the lead for him and my parenting fails were more than evident as I had to wing it, deflect and remember that I have actually had better parenting days. It was hard not to let this child and his emotional storm not define me as a parent or a person. The counter balance to that though, was I got to see my older son succeed. I watched him with his own child and I saw the love, the compassion and his pure joy at being a parent. I wasn't sure if this was because of how I taught him to be as a parent or how I taught him not to be as a parent, but whatever the case, he is a really good parent and for that, I am so proud of him.

The thing though, that tipped the scales this weekend and made it end on a very positive note, was David. Yesterday he celebrated his 14th birthday. The child who was not expected to survive all those years ago, is now a full fledged teen and celebrating his birthday was a joy. I look into his eyes, see his smile and watch him continue to learn, grow and move forward in life and I am thinking that with him, I may just finally be getting the hang of this whole parent thing.

I love my kids....all my kids....the ones I gave birth to and the ones I gained through marriage. There have been times that I was the parent they all deserved and other times, I was simply the parent they got. Bottom line though, I have always given them the best I had to give on any given day. I have always loved them with my whole heart and I have never stopped trying or given up on them as kids or myself as a parent. The circumstances and cards that life has dealt me, were not even on my radar all those years ago when being a parent was my hearts desire. Through it all though, the good, the bad and the unexpected.....the grief, the loss and the pain, I am still here and there are those subtle signs....that I might just have done a few things right!.

Rock On!

Life is running at a crazy crazy speed right now. I am doing more time in my car than I am at home and trying to find the time to do anything in between sleep and running is not easy. The piles of dirty clothes in my laundry room are a testament to my hectic schedule and my lack of motivation in my seldom acquired down time. However, all this drive time does give me time to be in my own head and think. Some call this dangerous.....I call it....creativity in the making!!!! (cue the hand wringing and the sinister laugh....bwhahahahahaha)

So as I was driving David to early morning physical therapy this morning, I was trying to plan in my head what I was going to attempt to accomplish today. Chores were dancing through my sleep deprived head as my playlist played in the background as the musical backdrop for the day. Suddenly, More than a Feeling, by Boston came on and all thoughts of work went out of my brain and straight out the car window. I was in the moment and that moment was 1978! 

In 1978, I was a 9th grader. While the details are a bit foggy, I believe the English classes had library for 30 or 45 minutes per week. Usually it was quietly checking out books, periodicals and magazines and quietly reading for whatever time we had left. However, because we were 9th graders (the seniors of the junior high set) for one month, we were allowed on library day to bring our favorite albums and play them while we book browsed and read. How cool we thought the librarian was that month. I brought nothing because my record collection contained, John Denver, Barry Manilow and about a thousand 45's that my mother would indiscriminately pick up at garage sales. To be fair, I had an amazing although under appreciated selection of music. Everything from Elvis to Smokey, the Byrds, the Turtles and the Monkees. What I wouldn't give for that collection now. But I digress.......

At that time, my music tastes had never been cultivated past my 45's or my mothers old time favorites....the Platters, Johnny Mathis and Andy Williams. I was however, a radio junkie, but at that point in time, most radio was pop and nothing more extreme. If you wanted to hear the Doors, Pink Floyd or even Heart, you had to hit a more alternative or even underground station. I did not really come from an underground family, so my musical education was pretty much stuck back in the 1960's and 1970's pop. That all changed though, in that library.....in 1978. As I sat there listening, feeling oddly excited, I heard Boston's.....More than a Feeling and it was love at first listen. For the very first time, and from that moment on, I was outside the musical box that my mother and my 45's had previously created for me. The excitement and the music were no longer contained and now.....there was no turning back.

Over those next few weeks, I was introduced to Styx, Grand Illusion, Kansas, Leftoverture and of course, my beloved Boston. I was lulled into a new world of rock where the music literally took me out of myself and changed how I felt in that moment. I began to see music much differently after that and my taste in bands and singers began to evolve from Cheer up Sleepy Jean to Carry on My Wayward Son. There was something about these bands that made me feel like I was someone else. They transported me and brought me back with their strong rhythms and amazing vocals. I never wanted the music to stop.

Of all the bands though, Boston captured me heart and soul. More than a Feeling, was my go to song. It was my get away from the world and find myself song and many was the time I would hide myself away, turn on my album and just listen. It was a mixture of the words and the music blending together and dare I say, healing my ever maturing mind. It was a trip far more mind expanding to me, than any drug could ever have been and to this day, that song can pull me back to 1978 and make me feel just like I did that very first time hearing it in the library.

To be quite honest, junior high sucked for me. Yeah, for most of us I guess, but for one month in one class in 1978, junior high rocked! Literally! It opened my eyes and my ears and set the stage for me to love other groups such as Aerosmith, Judas Priest and Rush. Yes, all it took was More than a Feeling.....and a little rocker heart was born. A little secret???? That heart still rocks on today!

Happy Monday!

One of "Those" People

Every town has at least a couple of those people. You know the ones. They quietly stand out and work behind the scenes helping to make their little part of the world a better place. No small town is complete without them. Well Tuesday, my town sadly lost one of those people. I can honestly say without exaggeration, that in some ways, he was one of the greatest men I have ever known. I was not alone in this feeling. In fact, if Facebook comments are any indication, he was one of the greatest men that many in our town had ever known.

Tony Rico and his wife Mary, were well known in our community and especially in our school district. Mary, for as long as I can remember worked in the school cafeterias, and her lunches were legendary. Tony worked around the schools and was always doing amazing things for both the district and the kids, however, Tony's presence in Mulvane started long before his days working at USD 263.

Tony was born and raised in Mulvane and lived here until he did a three year stint in the Army in the Pacific during WWII. Afterwards, in 1947, he came back and married Mary Gonzalez, the love of his life. Together they had six kids, three boys and three girls.

While his kids were growing up, Tony worked on the railroad, served as a law enforcement officer in Mulvane and finally in 1957 he went to work for the Mulvane school district, where he stayed until his retirement. During his time in the district he held many positions including bus driver and resident artist (a non-official title I am sure).  At the time, all of the school buses were numbered and it was difficult for the younger kids to remember or recognize their particular bus numbers, so Tony painted each bus with a different cartoon character. Where kids might have trouble remembering they were on bus 9, they could always remember they were on the Mickey Mouse bus. For years, Mulvane was known to other towns around, as the town with the cartoon character buses and trust me, the kids loved those buses.

Tony was a phenomenal artist and his artistic skills were not just bus worthy. His talent adorned school megaphones, year book covers, murals, prom backdrops, our school mascot and an amazing picture of Iwo Jima that hung for years in the entryway of the old high school.  It was said, that from time to time, Tony would gift a student with one of his works of art. Rumor has it that many of those recipients still cherish those gifts to this day. Aside from the schools, Tony's artwork also found it's way into homes, Mulvane businesses and also St. Michael's church. He was a very talented man and he was wonderful about sharing his God given talent with others. Because of this, his work still lives on today.

After word of Tony's death was made public, someone on FB asked people to post their favorite memory of Tony. As you can imagine, there were many many comments, however, the common memories that seemed to pop up were his amazing artistic skill, his kindness, the passing out of bubble gum to the grade school kids and his love of music.

For many years, he was a fixture at the grade school and was well known by all the kids. I believe he worked as janitor and pretty much a jack of all trades around the old building. All the kids knew Tony and he went out of his way to make each and every child in his building feel special. One thing he was especially known for, was always carrying bubble gum.  A kid considered himself very special if Tony walked up to him on the playground and gave him a piece of bubble gum. It could absolutely make a good afternoon.....a great afternoon! It was these little moments of kindness and generosity that made this man so special to our community.

I am told that Tony was a member of several bands throughout the years, but the one that I remember watching him play in, was The Powder River Band. They played an old country swing style and Tony's most memorable song was "Tiny Bubbles." The band always played at our annual town event, Old Settlers and on occasion, the school kids would be lucky enough to be treated to an in-school performance. This man and his band were something that a small town kid remembers forever. Tony didn't just perform at Old Settlers though. In 1989, he and Mary were chosen as Old Settlers King and Queen. It was a well-deserved honor. Not surprisingly though, this was not the Rico's first town recognition. In 1978, they were chosen as Outstanding Citizens of Mulvane. I can't think of a more fitting title nor a more deserving couple.

While the town adored him, Tony's devotion went beyond the town and schools. He was also very devoted to his church. I was blessed to be able to attend weekly mass with Tony and his wonderful family for many years. In fact, if not for Tony and Mary and a few other families from Mulvane, my church, St. Michael the Archangel Catholic Church, might not be here today. The story that I remember hearing from Mary many years ago, was that the nearest Catholic church was about 6-10 miles away and these families felt that Mulvane needed it's own Catholic church. They petitioned the diocese to allow a church to be built in Mulvane and after much effort, it was finally okayed, so in 1948, the Rico's and the other families built the original church from the ground up. Once the church was built, Tony, Mary and their kids, were always very active in it. St. Michael's was very special to them and everything they did for the church was done with great love.

I have found, that for every person that remembers Tony, there is a personal story attached. My Tony story is two fold and happened years apart. The first part was about 29 years ago, when I found myself pregnant and unmarried. Back then, it was a much bigger deal socially, than it is now. My mother was humiliated and she felt that it was much better that I "stay in" out of the public eye, which included not going to church while I was showing. Once my son was born though, Mom was fine with me going back to church. I on the other hand was a little nervous as no one had seen me in months and now I was going to church with my newborn. I was pretty sure... people were going to talk! On my first Sunday back, I remember trying to make myself and my son as tiny and unnoticeable as possible as I sat there in the pew and I am sure I looked as nervous as I felt. Suddenly though, I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked behind me to see Tony. He had the kindest look in his eyes, that I had ever seen. He smiled at me and said, "Welcome Back and God Bless that little one." I immediately teared up and all I could do was smile through the tears. That tiny act of kindness, put my heart at ease and made me feel like I was home. I doubt Tony ever knew what that meant to me, but it truly meant the world.

The second part came 17 years later after I had just lost my mother. To be honest Mom's funeral was a blur to me. I am sure that Tony and Mary were there as they seemed to be at most of the parish funerals but to say definitely.....I can't. However, the following Sunday after Mass as I was walking to my car with the kids in tow and still reeling from losing Mom, Tony and Mary caught up with me. Mary hugged me with tears in her eyes and then Tony took my hand and said, "She is with God and she is happy." Then without another word, they walked away. I almost cried because it was as if he knew what I needed to hear at that moment. Such a random act of kindness that again, meant more to me than I am sure he ever knew.

Yes, Tony was one of those people. He helped to give this town art, music, a church, kindness and the feeling that when you were in his presence, you were with a truly good man. He was a man of great humor and a man of great faith and he lived that faith daily. Someone said that there was just no adjective good enough to describe Tony and I have to say, that I agree. He was a one of a kind man, and Mulvane was very blessed to have him.

Tony died on Tuesday after being ill for some time. Since he had lost his beloved Mary, two years earlier, he had gradually gone down hill. He was 92 and he left behind his 6 kids, 28 grand children, 15 great grand children and he had 2 more on the way.

Tony Rico was never rich and he never had the trappings of what we think of great men having, but everyday, he quietly went about life, loving God, taking care of his family, his church and his town. It simply was who he was and with his kind ways and generous spirit, he made Mulvane and the world.....a much better place to live.

Thank you Tony. RIP

A very special thank you to Ody Rico for permission to use the above photos.

Snowtember?

I like.....fall mornings with the windows open and a beautiful breeze darting through my house. The change of seasons has been interesting this year. Much like the change from winter to spring, the change from summer to fall has been a bit bipolar. Our neighbors to the far north of us in Canada are already feeling the cold bite of winter and calling this Snowtember?! Come on...it's not even Halloween yet!

I love the cool crisp mornings. The coolness is beginning to force its way in and causing the gradual turning of the formerly green leaves to brilliant reds, yellow, oranges and even some rather attractive browns. The anticipation of all the fall color, Halloween and the smell of pumpkin, spices and all, makes me want to curl up and read a good book and helps to ease the pain of having to close my long awaited pool. Sigh.....

I have heard and God forbid I should repeat it, that winter is to be a bit of tyrant this year. More snow, more ice, less warmth and less sun and a dare I say.....longer winter. This does not please a girl who likes snow and cold about as much as she likes having a root canal. Have I mentioned I hate root canals? Okay....give me one good snow, a roaring fire, the kids out of school and a bowl of amazing chili and I am good. After that....spring better be just around the corner.

So you can't fight Mother Nature. Heck....you really can't even argue with her. The best you can do is prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Today I will enjoy the cool breezes and the gentle changing of the season and continue to hope that Snowtember is a long way off!

Happy Monday! 

I Really Think I Did Good Today!

So I was sitting here about to write a rather scathing piece on some recent incidents where both my religion and by extension, myself, were verbally attacked. I was geared up due to the fact that I have a headache and I am not in the best of moods. Suddenly though, one word came to mind which turned both my mood and the direction of my blog, completely around. That word? PRAY!

If your head hurts, you're in a mood and you feel ready to verbally blast the world...pray.

If you are experienced or a just a beginner....pray.

If you are standing up, sitting down, lying back, hitting your knees, taking a walk or in your car....pray.

If you are scared, happy, sad, joyous, lost, lonely, upset or mad....pray.

If you are out of home, out of a marriage or out of a job....pray.

If you need money, friends, family or help....pray.

If you are hurting yourself, hurting others, hurting the world or the world is hurting you....pray.

If you are using, addicted or detoxing....pray.

If you are healthy, sick, struggling, fighting, working, playing or just listening for an answer....pray.

Pray for your kids, your family, your husband, your wife, your parents, your grandparents, your friends and most of all....your enemies.

Pray for our country, our world, our soldiers and our leaders.

Pray for our churches, the faithful, people who have never found faith, people who have lost faith and people who need faith.

Pray for the sick, the dying and the abused.

Pray for those being persecuted for praying and pray for Israel.

Pray for those who are always there, those who show up and those who never leave your side.

Pray for those traveling and those coming home.

Pray for doctors, lawyers, clergy and politicians.

Pray for happiness, health and peace.

Pray for me.

Pray for you.

In other words, no matter who you are, where you live, how much money you make, how poor you are, how sick you are, how great you think you are or how nonredeemable you think you are. God gave you the gift of prayer.....so use it.

It can be as intricate a prayer as a Novena or as simple a prayer as "Please God...help me." You can list your needs, trust Him to know your heart or simply thank Him for your day. All prayers are heard and all prayers are answered. Ask and you shall receive. 

So there you have it. The word for today is PRAY. Do it now.....do it later and..... do it often. And after going back and reading this totally unexpected and inspired blog....I just have to say, I really think I did good today!

Happy Sunday everyone!

Using Your Power for Good

So Bayville, OH has become notorious for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge that went horribly bad, with a 15 year old autistic boy who thought he was doing something to help others. Instead, bullies used this boy to pull an awful prank. I am sure if you have even caught a glimpse of the news in the last week or so, you know how this turned out. If not.....here is the story. It is ugly, sickening and the kids who did this have been caught. I have as yet to hear what their outcomes are, but I am hoping that the punishment fits the crime, or at the very least is something that will stick with them for a long time to come.

Today's blog though is about the aftermath of this story. Upon hearing about this horrible prank and at the time the culprits had not been found, Drew Carey and Jenny McCarthy, both actors with clout and money in Hollywood, offered to put up a reward in hopes that the offenders might be found. It is a common practice in cases where the police are at a stalemate as to who the guilty parties are. We live in a greedy society and the possibility of money for information can make mothers turn on their children and wives turn on their husbands. Sad but true. So both stars offered money for information on who was behind this "prank." Carey is from Ohio and I am sure ashamed that such a story would come from his home state. Perhaps his reasons for doing this were because he wanted to show the world that Ohio was much better than what these little punks had shown it to be. McCarthy's reasons for doing this were much more personal. She herself has an autistic son and I am sure it was not lost on her that there but for the grace of God.....that could have been her son. I totally get that.

Some say the reward for information worked. Others say that the police and the school knew all along who these kids were and that they simply had not made the information public. Whatever the case, they were found. Will they be brought to justice? In this crazy mixed up justice system....who knows? I hope so. So I guess this should be close to the end of the story. All that is left is for some sort of punishment, wrist slap or verbal reprimand to be given......and life goes on....right? 

Apparently not, So there is this online publication called Salon, and one of it's writers was not happy with the way the story was going or perhaps she like some of her fellow writers, needed to make waves in calm waters. Her attempt at making waves was a little piece called.....Vigilante justice on the Internet: Drew Carey and Jenny McCarthy's dumb stunt, by Mary Elizabeth Williams. When I saw the headline, I admit, I was sucked in. After all, we are used to Hollywood types not always using their brains and doing truly dumb things with their celebrity status. It went through my mind, what have they done to make this situation worse? The answer is....nothing. Williams in my opinion, went after them because at the time it was a high profile story and she needed her 5 seconds of fame and to cause a stink.

So on further inspection, Salon is a left leaning magazine, which is fine. I read left and I read right and then I come up with my own conclusions on the truth. It is called thinking for myself. However, after doing some reading in the publication, it appears that Salon and their readers are in my opinion, people who like to rebel rouse and cause discord without real purpose. That is what this piece definitely was. Williams was on a diatribe about the vigilante's of the internet (huh?) and the danger that could be brought about to "innocent" kids with this reward being offered by Carey and McCarthy, and how horrible their act of kindness was. WHAT??? Yes, I had to read it several times for it to truly sink in what Williams was saying. She had more concern and empathy for some imaginary kid (s) that might be mistakenly identified as the culprits of this prank, than she did for the real victim. In fact, she barely mentioned the victim. It was all about the "possible" victims. She spent an entire piece verbally backhanding Carey and McCarthy over contrived nonsense.

It was quite obvious that Williams was likely at a deadline and had no real story to write, so she pulled this one out of her as....errr, the sky. That deadline must have been very close too, because she obviously didn't really think it through or do much research on what was going on with the investigation. No....she just went after the star power involved, doing her best to insight her own vigilante unrest against the two all the while condemning them for their offer of "real" help.

First of all, Williams would not have looked nearly as much like a poop disturber had she mentioned the victim a bit more and shone light on the tragedy of what he went through, instead of how awful it "might" be for some alleged, imaginary, misidentified person. It made her look ridiculous. And do we really want to talk about vigilante justice? Okay, this is going to sound racist, but it is not meant that way. It is meant as an observation of what is currently going on in the world. IF this young autistic boy had been black and this had happened to him, then yes, I have no doubt Reverands Jackson and Sharpton would be perched in Bayville, with media from around the world and there is every possibility Bayville would be in shambles right now. HOWEVER, this is a white boy. No one is going to go vigilante over a white boy....even if a reward is offered for his bullies. That is just the way it is. Another fact is, no one died in this situation. It was a horrible thing that some stupid, callous, teenagers thought would be funny. It was awful, but it was hardly worthy of vigilante justice. It was worthy of the culprits being found and appropriately punished, but an offer of a reward hardly made people (other than maybe the victims family) want to go after these idiots and tar and feather them.  I mean....come on!

So here is my take on this whole thing. Carey and McCarthy both have God given acting talent and that talent has earned them the resources to be able to help in a situation like this. They did what they could to help bring justice.....fair justice to a young man who was not just humiliated and embarrassed thinking he was doing something good for a charity, but humiliated and embarrassed all across the internet. They are not the first to offer money as a reward for information and they certainly didn't try to insight people to go after vigilante justice on behalf of the victim. They tried to help. 

On the other hand, we have a writer, with a God given talent to write. Williams herself could have used her high profile status to help out and bring the culprits out of the woodwork. Sometimes knowing the world is talking about you and stories are being written about what you did, can smoke people out even better than a cash reward. Williams could have done that. She could have written a piece that might have caused these kids or some of their friends to turn them in. But no! Instead she chose to go after the two high profile people that were actually trying to help. That tells me that Williams was neither moved by the original story nor did she care about the victim. She was interested in headlines and trying to make a name for herself by in-sighting imaginary vigilante justice. She was trying to create a problem where none really existed. Unfortunately, by showing more concern for an imaginary individual than for the true victim, she showed her true colors and her transparent end game.

Williams used her First Amendment right to go after a headline and obviously to hopefully insight people for the possibility of a bigger story. I am using my First Amendment right to call BS on both Williams and a publication that is that desperate for a headline!

So today, I say kudos to Carey and McCarthy for reaching out and using their gifts to give back and help out. Yes, there is such a thing as using your power for good. To you though Ms. Williams, I say "Shame on you!" and I don't think that needs further explanation!

Happy Saturday everyone!

I Cross My Heart

One night in October, many years ago, I sat in a smokey bar in a little town not too far from here and watched as my then boyfriend Tim, prepared to sing in the finals of a karaoke contest. I had almost not gone that night because I was really not feeling well, but he and some of our friends who were also attending talked me into going since it was after all.....the finals.

After arriving, I felt much better and watched as the bar filled to standing room only. Tim loved to sing and he loved karaoke and he went every chance he had. This particular contest had gone on for several weeks and tonight would crown the winner. Tim paced and seemed excessively nervous about something that just came naturally to him. Since he had not clued me in on his song choice, I tried to imagine what he might be singing to cinch the win. I figured he would go with something Garth Brooks as that is the type of song he loved and that he did so well.

When Tim's turn came, he walked to the stage without giving me a second glance. Hmph! For this I came out tonight? He had pretty much ignored me all evening. A friend of ours grabbed a video camera to commemorate the night and I stood by not knowing whether to be irritated or to cheer him on. Suddenly the music started and I was surprised to hear George Strait music. Tim sang George at home a lot, but I had never heard him sing it at karaoke. The song was "I Cross My Heart." The moment he began to sing, his eyes locked with mine, so much so, that I almost became uncomfortable as everyone else began to look at me too. Tim was a showman and he could make everyone in the room feel like they were apart of his performance, but that night, it was obvious that his performance was directed at me.

I love George and I dearly love that song. I watched as Tim sang and moved through the crowd, never losing contact with my eyes. I began to feel so strange over the whole thing that I sat down, but for some reason, I couldn't unlock eyes with him either. Finally, as the song was about to come to an end, he came up to me and with all eyes in the room on him and I, he got down on one knee and pulled out a red velvet rose. He then asked me if I would marry him. I was so beyond shocked that I just sat there a moment before answering. When the words finally came, they were "YES! YES! YES!" In the velvet rose, held the most perfect engagement ring. I was the happiest girl in the world. It was fitting that George had a part in that moment.

My mother never really commented on actors or stars much. In fact, Robert Taylor was the only one of star power that I ever really knew made her heart beat faster. That was, until George Strait came along. From the moment he hit the country music charts in the early 1980's, my mom was hooked on that man. I am not sure whether it was his smile, his rugged rancher good looks, his voice or the whole package put together, but she was smitten.

Mom loved George's videos and when the movie Pure Country came out, she was over the moon. She would always say, "If I was just a little bit younger...." When Mom finally broke down and got a desktop computer, the first thing she wanted was a picture of George as her screen saver, and when she retired from the hospital, one of her fellow employees presented her with her very own VHS copy of Pure Country. It showed they really knew my mother's heart. Sadly Mom never got to see George in concert and she only got to watch her copy of the movie a couple of times, but the joy she got from seeing his face and listening to his music, was beyond compare.

So last night I finally broke down and watched George Straits final concert which I had recorded when it first came on a week or so ago. I am a huge George fan and I have even seen him in concert, but for some reason, I had put off watching this concert. It surely wasn't like me. However, five minutes into the concert, I realized why my subconscious had been putting it off. George's music is timeless and every song holds a memory. I immediately went back to that October night when Tim sang that song, George's song....just for me. I remembered all the times we had two stepped to his music and the times Tim had grabbed me in our living room and slow danced me around the room to George's songs. My heart filled clear up to my eyes as the tears began to trickle down my cheek.

Then the song, "I Can Still Make Cheyenne," came on. It was one of my Mom's favorites and for a moment, she was there with me. I could see the smile on her face as she listened to him sing and I could almost hear her say, "If I was just a little bit younger...." Yes, the tears overflowed as George sang and I sat there remembering two people I loved so very much and who I lost just a year and a half apart. So George went on singing and I went on crying and when it was all said and done, I was really glad that I had not put this concert off any longer. It was cleansing as his beautiful voice and amazing songs took me back to places in time that I would not trade for the world.

So to you George Strait, I give you many thanks for all the years of memories that your songs have provided. I thank you for those moments that I hold dear in my heart and for the soundtrack that your music has provided for my life. And truly......I Cross My Heart, that you have in me.....a fan, until the end of time!

Cat's, Crime and Some Other Weird Stuff

So as I was sitting here thinking about all the things that I  currently like and don't like. Once again, I was at an impasse on what to blog about. I am not really overly passionate one way or another about anything today, so........ you guessed it, another like/dislike/hate and maybe more, blog. Sorry! This is what happens when my keel is evened out!

I have learned, much to my surprise, that dare I say....I like cats. PLEASE....do not mention this to anyone in my house. It would totally ruin my street cred as a bad ass and it might put the idea into someones head that our current cat needs a friend. Sorry kids....I'm a one cat woman. Others need not apply.

I really dislike having to be super careful about locking my doors. I can barely remember to shut them, so locking them is on a whole other level of things I forget to do. Yes....I do realize it is 2014 and no one is exempt from crime, but come on! I basically live in Mayberry. Apparently though, Mayberry has developed a bit of a seedier side since the days when Barney Fife carried a gun without ammo and Otis the drunk, was the only criminal element around. Yes, it's crap! Time to lock the doors and arm the sling shots. You dog hating cat burglars, I'm putting you on notice....so you just go ahead and make my day!

Okay...so after much thought, I have decided that I am okay with change....as long as it doesn't require me to do anything to achieve it. When I actually have to work for that change.....I'm really not much of a fan. So yes, I will change, but no, I won't like it! Happy Marni?!

I love our current warm...not hot, end of summer days and our beautifully cool evenings. It makes for fantastic times around the fire pit drinking and eating s'mores. No! This is not an addiction! I can quit anytime! Honest I can! Sigh....thus the need for the above change! Blah blah blah

I hate the predictions for above average cold and snowfall this year. I hate winter and except for the first snowfall.....I hate snow. I do like fires, s'mores and alcohol, however, it is hard to have that in the middle of snow....and change. But I digress......

I love Diet Mt. Dew!!! It is like an old friend wrapping me in mellow warmth and telling me I just won the lottery. Tis' true. I love the diet Dew just that much. Sadly, after tonight....the Dew and I are once again parting ways. Perhaps this time.....for good! It is with tears in my eyes and great sadness in my heart, that I write this. Others tell me it is for the best. They are dead to me. That being said, I am breaking all ties with diet Dew and hope that in the future, if it sees me in the store.......it will simply turn the other way as I walk by. Sniffle...snort.....sigh!

I hate that this is the last/final/never to be seen again season of Sons of Anarchy. I hate to admit it, but it truly is one of my guilty pleasures. I have so few. I think it gets me in touch with my inner biker chick. You know the one. The cute biker chick  with the cool dew rag, beautiful long braided hair and tight little leather jacket, delicately adorning the back of some ruggedly handsome bikers bike. What? No....you're right. I'm not the Jema....kick your ass, don't cross my ass, I will kill your ass type. On second thought, maybe I should just have my inner biker chick put down. She wasn't doing me much good anyway.

I love the fact that tomorrow night, Sons of Anarchy is back on. Yes, it is a bittersweet love, but love none the less. I also love me some Jax! Yes, I am old enough to be his mother! Don't judge me! Also....don't call or text me between 9 and 10. 'Nuf said!

So there you have it.....my likes/dislikes and some other weird stuff, on this glorious Monday morning. Now...aren't you glad you came along for the read?

What If I Were to Tell You About..........

What if I were to tell you about.....a great movie that I went and saw; that it was amazing and a must see for everyone? Chances are your interest would be piqued. Even if you had already seen the previews for it or heard others speak about it, if I were to dedicate a blog or a portion of a blog to that film, regardless of what you thought you might already know about it, you might actually take the time to go see it. You certainly wouldn't be upset with me or offended that I dedicated a blog to it and in fact, you might even share the blog so others could be informed about said movie. If you do go and see this movie, then by the time you are finished, you have enough real information to make an informed decision on where you stand with the movie. You are no longer basing your idea of the movie on a 45 second preview, or on what you may have heard about it or even on my opinion. You are actually informed about this movie!

What if I were to tell you about......an amazing restaurant that is both economical and has the best food ever? Again, you might be interested enough to try it out. Maybe someone else said they went and the wait staff weren't great or their steak was a little over cooked, but because I am dedicating time and effort in the expression of my opinion.......you might decide to just try it for yourself. In the end, like with the movie, you will have full first hand information to make an educated decision on whether this restaurant is now a family favorite or a never to step into again establishment. When all is said and done, all you have lost is a couple of hours and a few bucks. What you have gained though, is enough real information to make an informed decision.

So what am I getting at? Today in Mass, Father spoke about next week at our church, we would begin having classes teaching about the Church. These classes don't mean you are obligated to join, they are simply information on the Church, it's teachings and practices. Then Father spoke about a study done where people who did join the Church or I assume, any church for that matter, often ended up doing so, because someone simply asked them to come, learn and make a decision for themselves. How simple is that?

Now I am not one to push religion down anyone's throat. I am of the firm belief that a relationship with God is a personal thing, however, if I love God, love my church and both God and my church make my life a better place, then not unlike my appreciation for a good movie or a great dining experience, why not tell people? Perhaps just one person might read this and go to an informative class on the Catholic church. I am sure everyone has their opinion on the Church, but what if you don't have all the information to make an educated decision about it? What if your neighbors "bad experience" growing up Catholic, the media's hype or plain old misinformation aren't the real story? Maybe being a Catholic or even believing in God aren't for you, but can you really make that decision without having all the facts......because maybe you are actually missing something that could turn your life around and make your world a much better place?! Bottom line is, you will never know unless you are informed.

So today I take a page from Father's sermon and I invite you to become informed. If you live in my town, check it out at St. Michael's next Sunday at 9:30 a.m. If you live elsewhere, check out what other churches have to offer in the form of information. You have been asked, so what do you have to lose?

Now.....what if I were to tell you about...... my church and my God?