BLM and Defunding the Police Part One

There is so much going on in the world today. Just about anything from the upcoming election to COVID-19 is a good topic to put under a microscope and really look at and talk about, but today, I want to talk about Black Lives Matter (BLM), more so about the literal and not the group and about Defunding the Police. This blog post will be part one and focus on Black Lives Matter.

Please remember, these are my thoughts and opinions and you are in no way obliged to agree. 

Let's start with the term black lives matter. They do you know. They always have, but in our current world, BLM has taken on a new militant meaning and to mention that any other lives might also matter is condemned as hate speech. So for the purpose of getting a few of my opinions and thoughts out there, I am only going to discuss the literal term black lives matter along with a few facts.

The term BLM, as I stated above, has taken on a militant stance against the police and law enforcement. Much has to do with racial profiling and the deaths of black individuals by police. It is not however, just about black people dying or racism in police departments. Black lives matter, because they are human lives. They are men, women and children of all ages and it is not just about their mortality, but also about the quality of their lives, the opportunities they have, their livelihoods and the character of black African Americans.

Have blacks had an easy time in American history? No. It's a simple answer. They were taken from their homes and brought to the United States for one purpose....to be slaves. They were used as field labor, house maids and sex slaves. Many were treated with less dignity than a farm animal and their lives were viewed as expendable because they were seen as property and not as humans. Did black lives matter back then? To much of the North they did, but even back then, not all blacks were treated equally.

In the mid 1800's there were approximately 180 slave owners who themselves were black. Most if not all had also been slaves but had been freed and became more prosperous than those who were still owned. The sad part is that of those 180ish black slave owners, there were black men like William Ellison, a former slave who had prospered and soon realized to continue in prosperity, he needed slaves to help him. Unfortunately, coming from a slave background himself, did not make him a kind and benevolent slave owner. While he was likely more compassionate than his white counterparts, he still made sure his slaves knew he was the master and he kept his distance from those of black skin who worked for him. Did black lives matter to him? Good question.

As time went on, even post Civil War race relations remained tense, especially in the South, and blacks and whites were segregated in every way possible. It pretty much stayed this way until the late 1950's and into the 1960's when the Civil Rights Movement became political, humanistic and spiritual for both blacks and many whites who were realizing that skin color meant nothing. It was the character of a human being that mattered.

The Civil Rights marches of the 1960's did have their moments of anger and frustration, but they were a proud time for black Americans. Men and women dressed in suits and dresses, held their heads high and walked the streets proclaiming that they would no longer sit at the back of the bus, have their children going to segregated schools or be treated like second class citizens because they were black. There were eloquent, history making speeches made by Dr. Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers and other prominent black figures of the day and people were listening. Change was coming and the blacks of the 1960's were being heard, not because they were rioting and destroying, but because they were the change they wanted to see. Was it easy for them? No and many lost their lives for the cause, but at the end of the day, they fought for peace, unity and equality...and they were beginning to win the fight.

Race relations have always had their highs and lows and quite frankly, there are people of all colors that hold prejudice in their heart regardless of how far the rest of the world comes. There are fringe instigators of all colors that will continue to keep race an issue and a tool of division because that is who they are. But they are a minority of any group, not the majority. Unfortunately, sometimes the minority of a group puff themselves up so big and become so loud, that we forget just how small they really are and give them undo credit for being much bigger.

In 2008, the first black president was elected into office.....President Barrack Obama. Not only was he black, but he was also mixed race and part white. On paper, he should have been the greatest unifier our country ever had as he had some understanding what it was like to be on both sides of the color spectrum. In 2008, racial tensions were not that high, but by the time he left office, they had taken new heights. Instead of uniting we were a nation divided by color in a way that had not been seen since the 1960's. It was also during his presidency that the group BLM was founded. It became a time when there was a huge uprising of rioting, killing and destroying by blacks in black communities. A match had been struck and rather than be a peacemaker, the President whether it was intentional or otherwise, fanned the flames of rage and the country exploded.

Now here we are in 2020. We are literally sitting on a powder keg that if it goes off, could put us into the throws of another civil war. How? Why? I have my suspicions, but lets deal in facts. George Floyd.

George Floyd was a black man with a history of drug abuse, theft and holding a pregnant woman at gunpoint. He was not a saint, but he was a man and he died a cruel and unnecessary death at the hands of police in front of many many witnesses. It was the spark that set off a "war" that will likely make future historians look back on us and shake their heads.

In the wake of George Floyds death, he suddenly became the martyr for the BLM movement. He was not squeaky clean and he had been on the wrong side of the law, but within days, his criminal history didn't matter, only his death did. Since then, cities have been destroyed, communities have been destroyed, historical monuments have been destroyed and the lives of police have been put in danger in a way never before seen. Gone are the days of class, pride and eloquence in protesting and now we are in full on blood in the streets rioting. Why? Because BLM! Now this is where I say that yes, I support the lives of blacks but I do not support the movement/organization of BLM because I find it hypocritical.

I have been told by those that are black and those that support BLM that one of their main goals is to push back on police. They want police held accountable for all the black lives they have taken in the past and they demanded justice against the police officers who were involved with Floyds death, but when the officers were arrested, that was not justice enough. They shout "black lives matter" everywhere they go and they want the focus on black lives....so let's put it there and ask some questions.

The number of blacks killed by police in the United states is not as high as the number of whites. But let's take everyone but blacks out of the equation. Is there racial bias in the police force? I am sure there are bad and racist cops that have no business being cops, but those are the few. So in 2019, 235 black people were killed by cops. How many of those black people were criminals? How many of the cops involved were black themselves? How many of the "victims" fired on cops first? How many of them had killed others or would have killed again? Yes, those black lives mattered but rather than blame 235 deaths on police, I can't help but wonder how many of those 235 brought their deaths on by their own actions? We don't have white laws and black laws. We have laws and we have a majority of cops who uphold those laws to protect people of all colors. When the choice is made to break those laws, the consequences are not the law breakers to choose.

Then I have to ask, if black lives matter, then why is the focus only on black deaths caused by police?  According to the Chicago Tribune, in 2020 alone, so far 432 people have died in just Chicago. Of that number, 308 have been black and have ranged in age from less than a year old to elderly. The most black fatalities take place on the South and West sides of the city which are predominantly black and were black on black killings. They are mostly gang and drug related, and this is just one city this year. City's like St. Louis, Atlanta, Los Angela's and New York have their own similar statistics. So....if black lives truly matter to the BLM movement, then why aren't they focused on these numbers? Why aren't they out there walking through the streets of their own neighborhoods and demanding better from others in their communities, because I promise you, for every black life lost, they were someones child, parent, aunt, uncle, grand child, spouse or friend and their lives mattered immensely to those who loved them.

Some more questions. If black lives matter to the movement, then why did the movement allow their protesters to go into black communities and riot, destroying businesses and homes and stealing from the very communities that they live in? Do only those dead by cop, lives matter? What about the very much alive black lives, who no longer have a place to live, shop or work, because the BLM movement destroyed it all? Does the black mother with three kids not matter, now that her home is burned out? Does the black grocer who has spent his life building his business to watch it destroyed and looted not matter? So which black lives matter? Shouldn't all black lives matter and not just the ones that you can sensationalize with an agenda?

And finally, if black lives matter, why are so many of the protesters white? Why are white kids who have no idea what it is like to struggle as a black person, starting to be the face of your movement? Why are you allowing white ANTIFA members who have no loyalty to the black community and who have their own agenda which has nothing to do with black lives, to instigate, deflect and take the focus away from racism and put it on furthering division and hate in our country?

In truth, black lives do matter to me. I want our society corrected so that all humans regardless of color are treated equally and with respect. The fact is we can't change the past, but we can make sure it doesn't repeat itself going forward, but it is not just white people that need to fix this.I don't want to think of a mother or grandmother, sister, brother, child or spouse of any color suffering over the loss of someone they loved due to senseless inter-community killings. Much work needs to be done on all fronts but facts cannot be ignored. Either ALL black lives matter or they don't and if you want true change.....you have to take responsibility instead of constantly placing blame and hiding behind a hypocritical movement, so that you can be the change you want to see.

So these are my thoughts, my opinions and some facts thrown in. There is much wrong in this world and nothing will ever change unless we all work towards that change. Change doesn't start with hate and nothing good ever came from hate. To change, we must listen, hear and take responsibility and then and only then will the world become a better place.

Part Two on BLM and Defuding the Police.....will be coming soon. 

Be the Change....One Need at a Time!

Well, July is winding down and this year so far has been something of the "you just can't make this stuff up," nature. I will admit that there has been much of 2018 that has been truly difficult and that I wasn't sure whether we would all come out okay or not. In some area's....that still remains to be seen, however....one thing that has stood out to me most about this year has been the kindness and generosity of the human spirit. Without this kindness, many prayers and the generosity of friends, neighbors and strangers, I have no doubt I would have crumbled long ago and that David and I would not be where we are today. We are beyond blessed and when this kind of kindness is bestowed upon you, you have no choice but to pay it forward. That is what I spend almost every single day thinking about and trying to do and even with that, if I lived to be 110 and continued to do this daily, I would still not half cover all that has been given to us physically, emotionally and spiritually.

If you remember on June 1, 2018, I told you that I was starting 100 Days of Kindness and encouraged others to follow suit. Well, we are now 55 days in and over half way through and I continue to daily do my best to be kind, help and encourage others in a positive way. Along with this, I am also working to bite my tongue (just because I can say something doesn't always mean I should), leave judgment to God (our judgments are seldom made with all the facts) and I am working towards being the change I want to see in the world.

One thing I have been painfully aware of for many years is that there is always need out there.....even in my small community. In this day and age, there are many single parents trying to make a living while trying to pay for childcare. Sometimes paying for the childcare takes over half the paycheck and there is little left over for food, rent, utilities and necessities. Or what about the elderly person who has lived independently all of their life and might still be able to if small issues like yard work, or maintenance issues were taken care of. Often though, living on a fixed income does not leave a lot left over for such "luxuries." Or what about the working poor who are everywhere. Both parents work and they make too much for medicaid or food stamps, but not enough to keep all the bills paid and the kids all fed. And the need goes on and on. Some of it glaringly obvious and some not so obvious, but it is there.

My community is a good one. I saw this first hand when we almost lost our home. Those that helped financially did so without a thought and those that couldn't helped in any way they could. There were many behind the scenes advising me with contacts, many praying for us and many helping to organize events. People wanted to help and they did in so many ways. Now I have people coming to me telling me they still want to help in the community. They may not have cash to throw around, but they have skills and know how and if there is a need, they want to know about it and help fill that need.

We are blessed to have many community organizations and groups that are willing to lend a helping hand in times of need. We have a Care and Share which is our small town equivalent of a Goodwill. Through Care and Share they also help those who have certain financial or other needs. They support the community beautifully and give when they can. We also have churches who have food pantries and who help to cover utilities in times of need for not only their own congregations but for the community at large and we have local groups that work tirelessly to give back to the community and fill a void when there is a need. Yes, we have so much but what we really have is our people.

Mulvane is full of good people who are always willing to lend a had when a friend, neighbor or even a complete stranger needs help. It is these people that make our community strong and help us to show the younger generations what it means to be a part of community that gives back. It is these people who I have decided to approach in the process of working on my 100 Days of Kindness.

A while back, even before my house fiasco ever happened, I had started a facebook page Mulvane....Community Gives Back. My intention was to have a page that was nothing but people helping people in the most positive ways possible. When there was a need, I wanted people to feel comfortable stating it and for anyone that could help to be able to address it. I wanted our community to be able to help each other.....one need at a time. Since that time though, I have become even more impassioned about the idea as I have realized and seen that there is great need even in the smallest community and this need comes from our friends and neighbors. We truly need each other. So that is why I am trying to find those out there that have talents and skills and asking them to give of these talents and skills to help those who need them.

It doesn't matter if all you can do is pick up sticks in a yard, someone who just had surgery may find that particular ability invaluable to them. Everyone can do something whether it is doing someones laundry, cooking a meal or cleaning a house up to having the skills to repair something electrical, fix plumbing or build a wheelchair ramp. There is also babysitting or sitting with an elderly person so a caretaker can have a break. Or maybe you know your way around the fog of insurance companies, healthcare or taxes and you might be able to help someone who needs that specific skill but doesn't have the finances to be able to pay for the help. There are a million and one ways, even in our small community to help each other and I am trying to bring both the helpers and the ones in need together.  Because of this, I have started another page Mulvane Gives Back Helpers and Handymen so that those with skills, talents and a desire to give back can make their presence and skills known.

This whole thing is not for for recognition, praise or financial gain for anyone who chooses to be involved. On the contrary, it is for one purpose and one purpose only.....to help our community. My hope is that eventually maybe Sally has a faulty light switch that she can't afford to have fixed and her need is known. John just so happens to be an electrician and he steps up and fixes Sally's light switch. In passing John states that his son is having trouble with math in school and needs help. Sally happens to be a whiz at math and offers to help John's son. And thus, the giving back and helping one another will just goes on and on.........

So this folks continues my 100 Days of Kindness. This is my way of giving back and being the change I want to see in the world. If you are a Mulvanian and care to join me in this community effort, please check out the highlighted links above. If you live elsewhere, then maybe you too can be the change. All it takes is one person to talk to another one and soon the idea can become a reality.

Be the change!

May the Best Be Yet to Come......

It is the official start of summer! Well, yesterday was anyway. I have spent many summers of my life in this house, but this summer is different. This summer I am no longer living in a house, I am living in a home. Mine and David's home.....and it truly makes all the difference in the world in how I look at this house, how I feel about this house and the time and effort I am putting into this house. I had no idea, especially since before this all happened I had always thought I considered this our home and that I took care of it as such. But now.....knowing that it is ours......well home truly has a new meaning for me.... and the way I view it and treat it are so so different.

I feel that there are many new things on the horizon in my life. I know these last few months have changed me drastically and I hope that it is for the good. The whole "if you can't be helpful then just be harmless" mantra keeps passing through my brain daily. All of my adult life I have been a person of action, but I am learning that sometimes action isn't always good. Sometimes my action or better yet...reaction to a situation, can be debilitating and enabling for others, thus causing the exact opposite affect I had hoped for with the action. I now truly understand the whole aspect of being "harmless". Sometimes the best way to help is to stand back, become very small and allow others to figure out their own lives, troubles and situations.

I never realized before now, just how egocentric it is to think that as an individual I can fix everyone else's problems thus depriving them of the life lessons they may need in order to become the people they are supposed to be. Again....a very humbling realization among a thousand other humbling realizations that I have been faced with of late. Granted, there are situations where in order to help someone you do have to go in, guns blazing and push until the situation either resolves itself or until it pushes back inciting a possible war. In many cases though, in fact in most cases, a much gentler approach of listening and letting others figure things out for themselves knowing that they are supported but still making the decisions and dealing with the ultimate consequences on their own is the best route. See....I am learning!

One of the things that I have had little time for over the last year or so has been what I truly love and that is....writing. I used to eat, sleep and breathe blogging and writing, but life has pushed it to the back burner and left me with little or no time and thus little or no outlet for my life. Well, I have decided to take back my life in several different ways and the first of those is to start blogging/writing again. In fact I have started with a writing challenge for myself. I plan on trying to spend the next 30 days blogging every day. I have no idea how this will work out but I do know that my writing skills need some therapy and exercise and what better way than 30 consecutive days of blogging?

I have learned that I have many new blog readers since February and so I hope that even though I am no longer fighting to save David's home, that you all will still come along for the blog ride and continue reading, commenting and sharing my blogs. Perhaps I can say the right thing at the right time to help someone or maybe entertain you a bit or maybe even give you a different perspective on something. Whatever the case, I hope you all hang in there in these next 30 days and tell me what you think.

So yeah, the lessons keep on coming which makes me very grateful for these last few months. I wouldn't be the me I am right now if not for all those good and bad moments that have made up 2018 so far.... and we are just now only half way through the year. May the best be yet to come.........

The Last Sunday in February

It is the last Sunday in February and according to the immediate/long term (next 15 days) forecast, winter seems to be over and spring time is well on its way. If my allergies are any indication, I would say the forecast seems correct.

So far this new year has been full and yet for some reason, I feel as if I have been standing still. Of course I haven't, although I try to be as lazy as I can every chance I get, but those times get fewer and fewer.

Mixed in with with the usual and the valiant attempts at laziness, there has also been much loss in 2016 for the world in general and also much closer to my own heart. Some have been expected and several have left a gaping hole and the ever present question.....why?! I hate loss.

Then there has been home.

Since David has done home bound school for the last few months, my house has felt small and closed in with equipment and school stuff scattered in the main living space. Add to the mix, more people than usual coming in and out, and it has been down right claustrophobic. Then in the midst of all the chaos, Z decided we needed a furniture rearrangement. He was feeling closed in too. Unfortunately, it was the wrong move at the wrong time. It just closed us in more. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your surroundings don't affect your mood. Luckily for all involved, home bound school is at its end and soon my house will no longer be doubling as a school. Even luckier is that I have worked very hard to keep my jovial persona.....even when I felt anything but jovial,

Speaking of school.....David starts back tomorrow. He will now be attending high school and my heart and head have so many mixed feelings and emotions about this move. It is what is best for him since his seizures appear to be under control and I know he is sick of seeing MOM all day everyday. We both need the break and he needs the socialization, but I have yet to even begin working through this move. It is huge in any parent/child's life, but especially so in ours. So instead of trying to put the effort into processing any of this stuff, I am rearranging furniture. There is also the loading up, cleaning out.....and of course.....blogging. That's all healthy.....right?!

Yes, my head has been full of "things" and as I sat down to write, I had no idea which of those "things" would jump to the surface and end up on the page. Lucky for you it was this. Some of the other things in my head are much darker and a lot less politically correct. So....your welcome!

Okay....so tomorrow starts a new normal for me, which will be interrupted by spring break and then in a blink of an eye.....summer. But for now, I am just looking towards tomorrow and the week ahead. There is much to do, much to organize and much to mentally process. My baby is in high school! It just doesn't seem possible, and yet here we are. Where has the time gone? Lord! I sound like my mother. Sigh........

Does this mean I am back to blogging? Perhaps. But just remember......be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it! Till we meet again. Happy Sunday!

The Give and Take of Change

In my ever advancing years, I have actually picked up a bit of wisdom/knowledge along the way. One of the things that I have learned is that everything has a give and take, all actions have consequences and most importantly.....we must own our choices regardless of the outcomes. Possibly though, the most important piece of knowledge that I have become aware of is......you are never too old for change. 

Sometimes change is forced upon us through no fault of our own. That change is not always what we immediately view as positive and therefore, we fight it tooth and nail. Other change though, can happen deliberately or inadvertently through our own actions. If you change jobs mid career and start down a whole new path, that is deliberate change. However, if you go out with a questionable boy, he takes you to a convenience store and robs it and you end up in jail for a couple years as an accessory to the crime, then that is inadvertently. You know you went out with a questionable boy (your choice), but you never saw the robbery or the jail sentence coming. In either case, there are lessons to be learned and if learned and learned well, it is a stepping stone into the future.

Of late, I have finally been making the changes that I have only been talking about for years. The changes are coming in all forms; physical, spiritual, emotional.....you name it. Through these changes, I am learning more about myself and recognizing things that I never saw before. Some work in progress lessons I am learning are: God is always there and I certainly don't give Him the respect or the recognition that He deserves, I can lose weight and be healthy at the same time, my voice doesn't have to be loud to be heard and finally.......there are things worth fighting for and things that simply suck the life out of you. You have to know the difference. I have also picked up on a few other things about myself too. I have a very creative brain with many thoughts and ideas always swirling at once. It can make for a very chaotic thought process at times. More sleep and less stress seem to help it. I have two speeds; lazy and obsessive compulsive. Neither work for me so I am working on a third speed that allows me to meet somewhere in the middle that will not drive myself or my family crazy. Wish me luck!  And finally, I have learned that time really does have a healing quality that nothing else in this world has. I am thankful for that.

Yes, it has been a lot to learn in just a few short months, but I was always much better at cramming to learn than stretching it out over time. Contrary to what we are told in school, those quick and compact lessons seem to have a more lasting affect on me than their slower counter parts.

Don't get me wrong....life is not perfect and we still struggle, pray and try to give back whenever possible, but I am not a victim and I am no longer allowing self pity and frustration to be the key players in my life. I am trying to own and take control of my life, redirecting myself into a better path. I am trying to use my powers of creativity for good and I am finally getting confident enough to believe that possibly I can even sell my ideas and creativity to others in the form of businesses. Anyone need their laundry done? How about a phenomenal cheesecake? No.....I really do make phenomenal cheesecakes.......and I own that!!!!

My new found life and changes keep me going in many different directions and unfortunately......sometimes all at the same time. I am still new to all of this and trying to find the balance that allows me time to grow, time to lose, time to get and stay healthy, time to take care of the people and things I need to, time to help others and yes.....even time to blog, is not always easy. As we slide into the final months of this year, the year that quite frankly started out as one of my worst, I find myself looking forward to the holidays. I know that the momentum will only pick up and chaos is likely to ensue from time to time, but I think I am totally capable of holding my own and embracing sugar plums and decorating while running to doctors and redoing the basement. Yeah...I got this! (nervous laugh)

My life is my own now. Yes, it affects other people too but, my choices are mine as are their consequences. I know there will be accomplishments and failures ahead as well as happy times and not so happy times and wins and losses, but the important thing is, that I am learning and I am changing. It is all part of the give and take of change and becoming self aware......and honestly, I am finding myself eternally grateful for it all. 

To Grudge or De-Grudge

With the New Year upon us....I am trying to develop new attitudes (because apparently it has been established that mine is sh!tty), new ways of thinking about old issues, and most of all...letting go of much of what stresses me on a day to day basis. Why? Because that day to day stress is why I am blogging at almost 12:30 a.m. instead of sleeping.

As I said in my New Years blog....my only resolution this year was to let God lead, so I am not sure if this new attitude...etc. stuff is happening because I am turning things over to God or if by turning things over to God....this is all happening. Confusing isn't it? Yep....this is what goes through my mind when I should actually be sleeping.

One part of the attitude change (I am sure you will be hearing about more parts later) is the the letting go of past hurts. If you ask me straight out if I held grudges or was mad at anyone.....I would lie through my teeth and say...."no of course not." It wouldn't be a deliberate lie....it would simply be a "at the moment" lie....meaning at that moment no grudges or anger would come to mind. However....give me a sleepless night or have someone who at some point in my life I feel has wronged me, turn around and tick me off again.....and believe me...the anger boils and my grudge holding becomes something legends are made of.

Luckily....there are only a handful of people that I can honestly say have offended me in my life to the point of grudge holding and out of those....only a couple of those people do I hold grudges that might be therapy worthy. I can also say that in my past I have held more grudges than I currently do and whether it was because of prayer, disinterest, or just the fact that with the passing of time I simply can't remember what happened or why I was mad.....those grudges are no more and I am at peace with the people they concerned. Sadly though....there are still those that I have as yet not been able to let go of.

Probably the worst grudges I still hold are those involving family.....and one member in particular. This person truly knows so little about who I am now as opposed to many years ago when this whole thing started...and honestly from my adult perspective in the here and now...I could care less what this persons opinion of me is.....until they open their mouth to speak ill of me. Then I care. It makes absolutely no sense and I can go for months and even years and never think about the anger....and then all it takes is one careless word from this individual and my anger shoots to the surface and every past unkind word or action this person ever pushed in my direction feels as raw as if it happened today.

Family are not the only ones who have the hidden wrath of my grudges. There are a few men from my past who have caused me pain and who if they crossed me today might not like the results of those actions. Again....I never dwell on the past.....but in weak moments I can still lie awake at night and plot uncarried out revenge on those who I feel deserving.

Finally one individual I hold a horrible grudge towards is someone who used to be a friend. There are not a lot of people that I have high amounts of respect for or that I look up to. This person I did. One day though, it was as if the world changed and this person unloaded on me, my children and everything about my life. When it happened I confronted the situation head on and was apologized to profusely. Because of the regard I held for this person....I did let it go, but it happened again. Again my child was drug into it as was how I lived my life both physically and spiritually and this time if felt like a total and very personal attack. Again....I dealt with it head on....but I felt as if it fell on deaf ears. To make things worse....I was discussed by this person to many people (not that any of them cared one way or another) but I did. Now....every time I see this person, I want to declare war and have an all out verbal battle in front of the world. Mature....right? I think the reason I have such anger towards this individual is because I thought so highly of this person and believed them to be somebody or something they weren't. Maybe my anger is more at my own naivety than at the actual circumstance.....although the actual circumstance was pretty crappy.

There are a few others who whether they realize it or not (most do) that I hold grudges of varying degrees towards. And what is bad is I feel petty and immature feeling this way....not to mention how I must sound, but it is simply the way I feel. My late husband always used to say, "you are gonna feel the way you feel....until you don't feel that way anymore." In theory this is true, but in reality.....I feel like I need to push the process of NOT feeling this way anymore along.

I am not sure just how to de-grudge myself. I know it has a lot to do with letting go and forgiving. I am just not sure how to do either of those things in these particular situations. I guess this is just something else that I need to allow God to take the lead with....but for me....that is just so much easier said than done. But that doesn't mean I won't give it the old college try. After all....it would be such a nice feeling not to feel anger towards anyone.....even if they did act or say something that was unkind or hurtful.

Yes....forgiveness would be a wonderful thing. But then again.....without my grudges, whatever would I do at night without my revenge to plot???? Oh yeah......sleep!

Change Is On It's Way

Well....they headed off this morning....and I realize that the number of times I would kiss them good-bye and send them on their way to their  first day of a new school year, were growing fewer with each passing year.

My house had excited early risers who were dressed without being told to get ready a zillion times, and attitudes were excited, happy, and READY for the first day. Of course...next Monday I am sure will be a different story, with snooze alarms being hit over and over again, gripes and grumbles as they are told for the 3rd, 4th and 5th times to get dressed, and general irritation and panic as one realizes he did NOT get all of his homework done and we can't find the other ones leg braces. All will soon again be normal as the count down for Christmas break, then Spring break and finally summer is on again.

Now though....my house is washed in silence. Even the dogs seem to sense the day and realize that change is upon us. Two new schools, new teachers, new friends, and new experiences. Today is full of possibilities and promise for a wonderful new year. For me though....it is also full of a little sadness that my two little boys have turned into two big boys and are both racing to become young men. If only they realized that when you reach a certain age....the frantic rush to grow up turns to a panicked wish that time would just simply stand still and let you catch your breath.

I was almost sure as I waited on the porch for David's bus this morning that I felt a breeze beckoning change. Is it too early to smell the musty fall smells or hear the already falling leaves crunch beneath your feet? Well maybe a little, but with the break in the heat, and school starting.....there is no doubt in my mind.....that change is on it's way.