Thoughts and Prayers, and a Crisis of Me

 Let's just get down to it today. 

I dreamed about this piece last night (or at least the theory of this piece), and I woke up thinking about it this morning. It has continued to play in my head, so I would say that is my sign to put it on paper. This is the first time in a long time that this has happened, so hold onto your bloomers if you plan on going along for this ride. I have no idea how deep this will go or what all will come out as I type, but I do think it might trigger some, in content alone. I guess I will then preface this with Sorry! Not sorry! 

So grab a cup of coffee, brew a pot of tea, or get yourself a Dr. Pepper, and let's get this blog piece started!

Last night I was doing some research and catching up on current events. Even I, Non-news Nancy, am not oblivious to world happenings. Don't get me wrong, I try to be. Truly I do, but sometimes the happenings are just too big and yes, even too scary to ignore. In this case, I really hold no fear, more astonishment, and disbelief, as the world is changing and I feel that humans are currently their own worst enemy and will be their own downfall in both this world and the next. 

I am going to begin with "thoughts and prayers." Do you want to trigger someone who has little to no faith? Post on social media, or say in front of someone lacking, that your thoughts and prayers are with someone struggling, grieving, or hurting and you will see a literal outpour of emotional gibberish on "What good are prayers when this person needs money, or a cure, etc, etc." I can't even count all the times that I have been chastised for posting this and literally belittled for doing so little to help someone who is suffering or in need. Does it bother me? No! I mean, I might feel a twinge of sadness for the chastising persons' lack of perception, self-control, and faith, but other than that.....let them feel justified in their convictions. My thoughts and prayers are with them too. 

Having said this, I do wonder if the statement you are in my thoughts and prayers is just words to some, or if they back them up with actions? No judgment one way or another. Just curiosity. After all, the statement does seem to have become quite the norm on social media posts, where loss, pain, and/or suffering is the topic. We all want the poster to know that we are thinking of them and in some cases, maybe saying we are praying is just what we think they want to hear. I sincerely hope not, because if every "thoughts and prayers" comment were true, then how awesome would that be?

When I say "You are in my thoughts and prayers", I try hard to mean every word of it. In the moment that I read the post, I say a prayer then and there asking that God's will be done for the person or family involved. I try not to stop there though. Each and every time I think about that person or family throughout the day or sometimes for many days, I renew that prayer. So when I make the statement, I try to make it absolutely factual and not just calming words in the moment. 

I know to some this sounds like nothing, especially if the person posting is in need of money, or food, or is in terrible pain or grief. I have even flat-out been asked just what I think prayers will do for this person. Sometimes I take the time to explain that I learned about 23 years ago, the true power of prayer.

 When a doctor looks at you and tells you that your child is within hours of dying and the medical community has done all that they can you become frozen in disbelief. When he follows it up with, "If you pray, then put it in God's hands. His hands are far safer than any doctors." It is at that moment that you realize that you could be a gazillionaire and it would not matter. Money, a casserole, or nothing else was going to save my child. That is when my heart became so heavy that it dropped to my stomach and made me hit my knees in prayers. My husband and I begged everybody in the vicinity to do the same whether they prayed or not....and they did. We also called family and friends and begged them to pray and every time our family crossed their minds, to pray some more. Here we are 23 years later, and that child not only survived but thrived and is still going strong. In fact, we were assured as we took him home from the hospital, by another doctor who believed far more in science than God, that David was a bonafide miracle and that there was simply no way he should be going home on no meds, and no oxygen. No one had to convince us. 

And that my friends is why you all are in my thoughts and prayers. Prayers are more powerful than any other human act a person can give. In fact, prayer is dare I say, the greatest gift someone can give another human being... Perhaps I will delve into this more in another piece on another day.   

So back to world news. Oh yeah.....humans are f-ing up the world!

We seem to have forgotten or some may never have realized that all we have didn't just appear one day. It was given to us by our Creator (I call Him God) and He gave us some very simple rules to live by in order to keep and maintain this world and in gratitude, just what did we go and do? We deny Him and His rules. We mock Him and we make it seem as if humans created God rather than God creating humans. What is worse is in the name of religion, we put human ideology and interpretations into God's own words. 

We have removed God from all places, including some churches, and replaced Him with self-serving ideals, greed and the desire to please and serve ourselves rather than to please and serve Him. We give ourselves all the glory and God none of it. Instead of reading God's word and following His teachings, we paraphrase and manipulate until we hear the message that is easiest on our ears and the one that fits in with our own wants and desires. Anything is wrong if we claim it to be in the Bible and if that is our agenda, just as anything is right if we manipulate and reword God/Jesus's teachings to make it seem that whatever we want or do is not only acceptable but also Biblical. Playing God is not a good look for anyone but God. 

Now we sit with a war in Isreal and a social media full of people who have been previously shut down and shut up speaking out about everything from our current world following Biblical prophecy to child trafficking and the evil one and his followers alive and well and growing in numbers......right before our very eyes, should we choose to open them. 

Okay, so I am not a conspiracy theorist, but I am also not stupid. I am of the mind that this world is very big and there is much we don't know. I have also lived long enough to know that not everything is what it seems, but then again, some things are EXACTLY what they seem. Some of the stuff that is currently being talked about has some pretty compelling "facts" to go along with the stories. It's hard not to question the validity of some of the things that are being discussed. Moreso, there are many people who you would not think to be wild and out there backing up some of the things we are hearing. So what are we supposed to believe and how are we supposed to react? To further confuse the whole conundrum, with the onset of AI, we can't even go by the old adage, "I'll believe it when I see it." The fact is, just because you see it, doesn't always make it real anymore. 

Don't even get me started on AI and man's desire to create what can actually and no doubt will actually destroy him down the line. Yes....we humans are just fantastic creatures.  <heavy on the eye roll>

Then there is me. In the last couple of years, I have been suffering from a crisis. I don't want to call it a crisis of faith, because I have never lost my belief in God, my faith, or the belief in the power of prayer. I guess then, it is a crisis of ME! I have become one of those humans who has become so frustrated with other humans in all facets of life (including religion) that it has been too easy for me to take steps back and reexamine literally everything. 

I have begun to question so much about our world and the human aspect of it all that it has made me not like other humans very much. Are things really getting worse, or do all people my age pass that judgment. OR have things been getting progressively worse over time and that judgment for each generation has been correct? We have become a world of haters and hypocrites who can't view the past for what it was, and accept it for those times and how the people of those times viewed things, acted, and reacted. Instead, we want to put today's values and viewpoints on a people and time where today's values have no place. Thus, we want to ignore and/or cancel the past, totally forgetting that without the past in all of its triumphs and faults, we can't learn and thus make a better tomorrow. Another human failure. 

With all the questions I have been pondering, I have not remained faithful in my religion and that has been something that has literally eaten a hole in my soul. Now don't get me wrong, I was born a Roman Catholic and I am still a RC, but like anything else, the human aspect of it all, yes even the church bothers me. I have become so frustrated with people who call the Church home and yet try to bend and twist the Church's teachings to fit their way of thinking and believing. Why? What is this all about? If the Church doesn't suit your sensibilities then maybe you are in the wrong church, but quit trying to make the Church human run, when truthfully it is God's church in which we are to serve Him and His word, not Him serve us and what we want. 

If it's a self-serving church you want, perhaps you are looking at the wrong end of the spectrum. 

In all of my questioning and soul-gouging, I have been waiting. I have tried to listen quietly and hear what God might want of me personally. I have asked in prayer and even talked to Him as a father to a  daughter. What does my father want of me? Last night, I think the answer hit me. 

As I was watching videos about the world and all that is wrong and evil with it because of self-serving humans, and as I worried (a little) about AI and the deception that it could bring to this already deceptive world, I asked myself, how will I know? How will I be able to tell true goodness from true evil? After all, the evil one hides in plain sight in our world whether it is in our music, our schools, our government, and yes, even our churches. So how will I know if I am doing right or wrong, following the good or the bad? Then it hit me, GO TO CHURCH! Follow not the humans, but the word of God. Pray every day for guidance and the ability to avoid that which is not of God. But then there was one more thing that hit my heart like a ton of brick. We ARE in end times. We have been since day one and how we follow God's words and teachings is going to be the determining factor of our eternity.

 Miraculously, at that moment, some of my Confirmation teachings came back to me. (For those wondering, in the Catholic church, Confirmation is one of the seven sacraments of our faith at which time, we become a soldier of Christ. You can't receive this sacrament unless you are old enough to understand what the church and your faith are all about). Words like "Love your neighbor as yourself for the love of God," hit me pretty powerfully. "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Light," also played over in my mind. After sleeping on all of this, this morning, one other thought kept dancing around, "Be not afraid." These were my favorite words of Pope St. John Paul II. I have loved these words so much that they are literally tattooed on my arm. 

So how am I to go forward? I am going back to church.....God's church. I am going to receive the sacraments every chance I get, and even though the human aspect of things is what has bothered me, my job is to follow my faith and first and foremost do as God commanded. I will love my fellow man as if they are my own flesh and blood because they, like myself, are created by God. I cannot change any other human, but I can change myself, and perhaps through that, others might see and find something in me that helps to change them. I will do my best each and every day to show kindness and compassion, find the good and positive in the world (something I have been struggling with) live all of God's commandments, and live to serve God and not ask God (even in prayer requests) to serve me. His will not mine. I will do all of this without fear and have complete faith that by following God, He will lead me to where I need to be. 

WOW!!! I'm going to be pretty busy just worrying about my own soul and loving others regardless of their souls. Remember, Jesus didn't hang out with the self-professed "holy" ones. He hung out with the broken and bad. Many of those later became saints. Little fun fact, many saints were sinners first. 

See, I told you I had no idea where this was going or how deep it would get. If you felt triggered by anything I said, maybe ask yourself why. I don't typically talk about God this much but today, I think this is what He wanted and this is what I needed....not so much God in general, but my relationship with God and the hypocrisy which I have been feeling towards my fellow humans. 

We do live in a crazy world and without a path, just where might we end up? Who knows how this all is going to end and what we might find out along the way, but perhaps, the upside in all of this, at least for me, is that my crisis of me, may just be at an end. 

Today I fast and pray for peace for Israel and for each of you, you all remain in my thoughts and prayers. 

Peace and Purpose

So as I was sitting in church this morning and it occurred to me that taking an excursion through my brain right now, would not be for the weak of heart. Trying to focus on the peace and serenity of the moment was futile as my brain furiously raced from one thought to the next. "I must save David's home! How can I save David's home? God please help me! If you worry....why pray? I must give back! What can I do to give back? There are so many other people whose need is as urgent if not more so than mine. Oh Lord, how do you manage all the need? PLEASE GOD...I need a miracle!" Yeah, it was a chaotic mess of feelings, emotions and the world closing in all at once....and then....there was peace. 

As I sat there listening to the story of Jesus curing the leper, the true and complete knowledge that all things are possible through Christ, hit home. My manic brain was at rest and the clutter was parting ways. I looked around at my church and the many faces, some familiar, some new and I realized that this too was my home. The moment that thought hit me, then a new and more important thought hit. It was as if I knew that my situation was going to be absolutely fine. I was not alone and that through my own determination, the generosity of those around me and much much prayer....all would be fine. BUT this gift must be paid forward.

I have seen in my later years that kindness and generosity above all else are crucial in this world. When all you have to do is turn on the tv or surf the web to see ignorance, hate and selfishness and see what it is doing to not only our younger generations but our world in general it is pretty clear that something has to be done. For awhile now, I have been working on this in my own life and trying to encourage others to do the same. So how do I continue to do my best to spread kindness and pay forward the generosity that is being shown my family? It hit me in church like a ton of brick.

Not trying to leave you with a cliff hanger here, but until I have this fully formed in my head and know how I am going to proceed, I won't share the details. However, let it suffice to say that from this moment forward, everything in this process of saving David's home will be a learning experience, committed to memory and saved for a time when the lessons can be used to help others.

I know there are those who hate organized religion and that is their choice, but for me today was a game changer. Being in God's home was the first time that my brain wasn't plaguing me with the swarm of questions, frustrations, whatifs and yes....fears. I was given peace, my brain was decluttered and I may have just found some crucial purpose in all of this.

And yes, I ask you all to continue to pray for us as the time is growing shorter and this week is likely the week that we will get a lot of answers and clear cut plans. I ask you also to please keep sharing David's YouCaring page and his t-shirt page as we have an astronomical amount of money that has to be raised in a very short amount of time. Finally, I ask one other favor of all of you. This week, please go out there and do one small act of kindness in David's name. Something tells me that this might just be a game changer in our fight to Save Davids Home. Thank you in advance for your kindness.

#savedavidshome #fightfordavid 

What If I Were to Tell You About..........

What if I were to tell you about.....a great movie that I went and saw; that it was amazing and a must see for everyone? Chances are your interest would be piqued. Even if you had already seen the previews for it or heard others speak about it, if I were to dedicate a blog or a portion of a blog to that film, regardless of what you thought you might already know about it, you might actually take the time to go see it. You certainly wouldn't be upset with me or offended that I dedicated a blog to it and in fact, you might even share the blog so others could be informed about said movie. If you do go and see this movie, then by the time you are finished, you have enough real information to make an informed decision on where you stand with the movie. You are no longer basing your idea of the movie on a 45 second preview, or on what you may have heard about it or even on my opinion. You are actually informed about this movie!

What if I were to tell you about......an amazing restaurant that is both economical and has the best food ever? Again, you might be interested enough to try it out. Maybe someone else said they went and the wait staff weren't great or their steak was a little over cooked, but because I am dedicating time and effort in the expression of my opinion.......you might decide to just try it for yourself. In the end, like with the movie, you will have full first hand information to make an educated decision on whether this restaurant is now a family favorite or a never to step into again establishment. When all is said and done, all you have lost is a couple of hours and a few bucks. What you have gained though, is enough real information to make an informed decision.

So what am I getting at? Today in Mass, Father spoke about next week at our church, we would begin having classes teaching about the Church. These classes don't mean you are obligated to join, they are simply information on the Church, it's teachings and practices. Then Father spoke about a study done where people who did join the Church or I assume, any church for that matter, often ended up doing so, because someone simply asked them to come, learn and make a decision for themselves. How simple is that?

Now I am not one to push religion down anyone's throat. I am of the firm belief that a relationship with God is a personal thing, however, if I love God, love my church and both God and my church make my life a better place, then not unlike my appreciation for a good movie or a great dining experience, why not tell people? Perhaps just one person might read this and go to an informative class on the Catholic church. I am sure everyone has their opinion on the Church, but what if you don't have all the information to make an educated decision about it? What if your neighbors "bad experience" growing up Catholic, the media's hype or plain old misinformation aren't the real story? Maybe being a Catholic or even believing in God aren't for you, but can you really make that decision without having all the facts......because maybe you are actually missing something that could turn your life around and make your world a much better place?! Bottom line is, you will never know unless you are informed.

So today I take a page from Father's sermon and I invite you to become informed. If you live in my town, check it out at St. Michael's next Sunday at 9:30 a.m. If you live elsewhere, check out what other churches have to offer in the form of information. You have been asked, so what do you have to lose?

Now.....what if I were to tell you about...... my church and my God? 

God's Word, Man's Interpretation.....A Stream of Consciousness Blog

The other day I was reading one of my favorite blogs and that day she chose to write a stream of consciousness post. I tucked the idea away thinking first....how cool and second....I'm going to do that when the time is right. Well, today seems right. Here is just excerpts of what I have seen and apparently committed to memory this week about God, religion, the Bible and all things religious/spiritual. Here goes.....

In the beginning.....there was God...omnipotent, strong, generous. Then there was man...singular, dual, weak, selfish. God good, the devil bad and the apple eaten. Sin created. God and false gods. Ten Commandments. Jesus. Jews and Christians. The Bible. Gods word, mans interpretation. Israel. Prophets. Saints. Catholics, Protestants, Buddhist, Muslims, Jews. One God...many names. One faith...many religions. Religion without God. God without religion. God without Jesus. Love, hate, compassion, tolerance, acceptance, faith. Love the sinner, hate the sin. Gods word, mans interpretation.

In the name of God we love, hate, fight, curse, kill. We believe, don't believe, mock, shame and degrade in the name of whatever we choose to believe. Christians hate Christians who are not Christian enough. Others hate Christians who are too Christian. Christians mourn atheists and atheist refuse to acknowledge Christians or God. Muslims hate Christians. Christians must die. Jews ignore Jesus and Scientologist worship themselves.

Jesus began Christianity and man began religion. Religion equals church. Church is for believers, the weak, sheep, lions, hypocrites, the faithful. My soul is renewed, restored, born again, lost, never had one. Preachers, priest, ministers, clergy, scandal, respect, dead. Gods word, mans interpretation. Christian bashing, gay bashing, bullying, hate crimes, color, race, hate, acceptance, tolerance, "What would Jesus do?"

Angels, saints, sinners, repentance, forgiveness. Prayer, faith, despair. Lost, lonely, in need. "God are you there?" Unanswered prayers. God's time. Man's will. God's will. Man's ego. Heretic, false god, people of faith. Bible equals...reasons to love, reasons to hate. Gods word, man's interpretation. Evil, good, God without religion, religion without God.

God, Jesus, Mohamed, Buddha, Allah....... In the name of_________I kill, I hate, I judge. Tears, sadness, prayer. I love, I pray, I have faith. War, evil, Holy War. Chips, 666, end of times. Faith. Prophets, bombs, I believe. My God, your God, no God. Are you there God? God is alive. God is dead. God never really existed. God's word, man's interpretation.

Heaven, hell. Sinners, saints. Love, hate. Prayer, mockery. Belief, non-belief. Religion, spirituality, no religion at all. Faith, faithlessness. Good, evil. God, satan. I worship.....self, ego, my grilled cheese, God. A simple God, a complex man. God's word, man's interpretation.

I believe.

Sunday.....The Way it Should Be!

I love Sunday! Yeah, I don't just "like it" but I truly love it. Well, actually I love what in my head I believe Sunday should be.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I was friends with two sisters who came from a family of 12 kids. While my friends were second and third to the youngest....they had many older brothers and sisters. Every Sunday at their house was Sunday dinner. Yes, they were a Catholic family (no surprise I am sure) and the parents and the kids left at home would usually go to 11 a.m. mass. Then by 12:30 they were home and the rest of the family would start coming over. Everyone usually brought a covered dish and that was supplemented by fried chicken and dessert. While the food was always amazing (I still have recipes that I begged for back from those days) it was the family, the noise and the being together that made it so special.

As if there weren't enough people running in and out of their house on Sunday's with kids, spouses and grand kids, there was also an open door policy for friends and I was lucky enough to fall into that category. At least I think there was an open door policy. If not....I apologize now for spending just about every Sunday there for several years. At any rate, there always seemed to be room for one more and everyone was treated like family, no one went away hungry and usually in the summer time, there were still people there until 9 or 10 p.m. at night. Or again....maybe I just stayed too long. Whatever the case though, I lived for and loved my Sundays back then. My own home life at that time wasn't nearly as much fun and being that there was only my brother and I and most of the time we weren't speaking, Sunday was my day to be a part of something to me that was rare and special.

I never forgot those times. They stayed with me and I always wanted that for my kids. I wanted a day where we could unite as a family and spend the day unplugged and just talk, laugh and remember that those with us whether related by blood or not.....were family. At times I have succeeded at this better than others. I have always been the one to take in my kids friends and feed them and make them feel a part of our family, because I always remember how much I needed that and how great it felt when it was done for me. Other times though....well you know my story. Not everything always goes as planned in Lisaland.

It occurred to me on Saturday as we worked late into the evening on the pool and backyard and then we sat around talking and laughing and sharing stories, that I want that again. I want potluck dinners, an open door policy and family, friends and framily coming and going, laughing and talking and looking forward to that one day a week when we can all be together. I want pool time, bbq's and board games. I want music, laughter and sitting back full, happy and in the midst of amazing company. I want Sundays!

Well.... there you have it. I love Sunday's the way they should be. God first, family second and good food, good friends and lots of fun to follow. So just so you all know.....when the back yard is done and the pool is finished.....there will be an open door policy on Sundays in Lisaland. Bring your suit, your favorite dish and be ready for Sunday....the way it should be!

Last Night

Last night took me back about 20 plus years. It was just one of the nights that you didn't see coming....and yet I had a blast.

What started out as the same old Saturday was immediately redirected when a friend called and told me she just needed to talk. Being the friend I am......I suggested the bar. (When referencing the bar....I am talking about our little home town bar, where we know everyone, the food is good and you can actually hear yourself talk.) So upon deciding to meet at the bar that evening, my day immediately took an up turn and  gave me something to look forward to. Mind you....I don't get out to town much!

So first I went to church, then I went to the bar (don't judge me.....at least I went to church!) Now this friend I met up with is someone I have known more years than I care to admit.....especially when I only care to admit that I am 28. She and I have been through more, seen more and caused more trouble than most people ever dream of. There is a reason my mother didn't  want me to hang out with her. Now a days though....we are a little more responsible and mature.....after all, between us we have 10 kids, 4 dogs, 2 cats, mortgages, student loans, and underwear older than most of the people who inhabit bars these days. Still....if push came to shove and she and I were left unsupervised and to our own devices for very long....I am sure a spark from the old days might show itself. Actually she would spark...I would just smolder and then fizzle, but you know what I mean.

As I said....we went to the little home town bar, where we had dinner and talked. There is nothing like bar food. It is comfort food at its finest and as always we laughed and talked and then laughed a little more. All the while though....a friend of hers whom she goes to school with kept texting her and asking her to go to another bar for a birthday celebration. Finally....she gave in and told me I was going too. I didn't put up much of a fight....because as I said.....I don't get out to town much.

I must admit though, I did feel a twinge of anxiety because even though I only like to admit I am 28....I am a bit older. A BIG bit older and my vision of bars is a bunch of 20 somethings running around, listening to music I don't relate to/and or understand the lyrics too, looking at me like someone just let the dinosaurs in. Still and all...it was an adventure and after chasing kids and cleaning house all day...this girl needed an adventure.

The bar we went to was one that neither of us had ever been to, and as we pulled into the parking lot the first thing we saw was a tattoo parlor. Now most women of our age would have avoided the tattoo parlor and maybe even have avoided the bar too.......being that it was so close to the parlor....but not us. The first thing out of both our mouths was....."Lets get a tattoo!" We were on a mission. We both have virgin skin....it maybe the only thing on us that can carry that title....but nary a mark has ever marred that which God gave us. That was all about to change......or so we thought. Both of us were more than ready for the change that a tattoo would bring us even where her thoughts of being presented with divorce papers after wards and my thoughts of being shunned by my children and all polite society.....we simply didn't care. Sadly....they were closing shop as we went in and for whatever reason....they didn't want to stay open and put tattoos on two women old enough to be their mot....errr older sisters. Damn! I was so close to being the bad girl I always knew I was. All that was left for us to do was go drink!

Walking into the bar....it brought back memories of the bars we used to go to. It had that same dark, mysterious, you don't know what is going to happen feel about it. We were greeted by my friends school friends, and much to my surprise...the bar was packed and only about a handful were under 30. The rest were our age or older. To make things even better....there was a live band playing, whose band members were also of a certain age and they played 80's rock. Ah yes.....I was home! What was a ahhhhhh surreal moment soon became an OH SH!T! surreal moment when while looking at the drink menu....I suddenly realized that we had walked out of the last bar.....and NOT paid our tab!!! Suddenly the bad girl who wanted the tattoo became the really bad girl who had waited until she was an adult to unwittingly try her first experience at dining and dashing. We both about flipped. Ronnie and Ora Lee....we will be in there Monday to pay our tab in full!!!!!!!!!!

Once we talked each other off the ledge over our new found crime spree.....we actually settled in for a pretty good evening. The music was  good and the people watching was excellent. Some were funny.....some were just fun to watch.....and there were a few who were just down right scary. We did a "little" drinking, a little singing (be glad you weren't there) and a whole lot of laughing. It was just a fun night which ended with no tattoo's, no criminal record (as of yet), and lucky for me....no residual negative side effects the next morning.

All in all.....not a bad night for a girl who started the day doing laundry!