His blue eyes danced as the excitement of the house made him giggle. Today was a special day and the little blonde haired boy was so happy. He wasn’t sure but it seemed like a really long time since he had been this happy. The mom seemed a little stressed as she packed up the little one lying in the crib. He was still fragile and required a bag full of “stuff” every time he left the house. The blonde haired boy though, loved the little one and even though he was only 5 years old, he understood that the little life there in the crib, almost didn’t make it home.
The boy remembered the many days and nights that he and his older brother had to stay at home while Mom and Dad spent many long hours at the hospital. He remembered the tears in his mom’s eyes when he went to the hospital and they were all told by the doctor that his baby brother might not make it through the day. He was told to say goodbye, but he refused. Instead he reached in the clear crib where his youngest sibling lay and quietly whispered, “You’ll be fine. I talked to the Blessed Mama and she told me,” referring to a long talk that he had, alone in his room with Jesus’s mom.
The boy had been right. His baby brother had come home and in his eyes, that baby was perfect. Since he had come home though, life had been busy and this new little family member took a lot of care. The boy had long since realized that his days as the baby of the family were over and truthfully, it hadn’t really bothered him giving up the title as he never much liked being called a baby. He knew that the new baby had fought hard all those months in the hospital and he deserved a little babying and special treatment in his life, so Mom and Dad fussing over him really wasn’t so bad.
Today though, it was going to be different. Mom and the little one and the older one were all leaving and it was just going to be him and Dad. The boy could hardly contain his excitement. It was just two days until the 4th of July and he and Dad were going to get fireworks….together….just the two of them. He couldn’t wait and he giggled and bounced around as Mom finished packing up the baby and tried her hardest to motivate the older one out the door. Earlier, Mom and Dad had talked about the baby staying home and the boy had stood back breathlessly waiting for the verdict. He would have said nothing and would have shared the day with the little one, but when Mom said, “No….I’ll take him. You guys just need to go have some fun,” the boy’s heart nearly leapt out of his chest. It was going to be just him and Dad and he was so excited.
As Mom drove out of the driveway, the boy stood looking at his dad. He didn’t know if all dads were as great as his dad, but he knew his dad was the best. His dad was his hero. He had a loud booming laugh that rang through the house. He was smart because he worked on airplanes and the boy just knew you had to be really smart to do that. His dad had a beautiful voice and he loved to dance and the boy loved listening to his dad sing with the radio and then grab his mom and dance through the living room with her. Yes, he had the best dad in the world and now standing there looking up at him, he knew that today, this day was theirs…..all theirs and he couldn’t wait to get it started. This might just be his best day ever.
The boy’s dad grabbed him up and said, “How about we go get some fireworks?” The boys blue eyes began to sparkle. Spending time together AND fireworks!!!! This day was going to be so cool.
The dad took the boy back to the master bathroom and told him he needed to get in the shower. The boy quickly undressed and jumped in the shower. He scrubbed himself as quickly as he could and then yelled to his dad to help him turn the water off. The dad came walking back with a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes. The bathroom was the only room the mom would let him smoke in. He helped the boy out of the shower, wrapped him in a towel and sent him into the master bedroom where he had already laid the boys clothes out. “Now you stay in here and get dressed,” the dad instructed, “and I will take my shower. Then when I get out, I’ll get dressed and we will get our day started.”
Once again the boy could hardly contain his excitement as his blue eyes were clear blue sparkling pools. The dad was almost as excited as the boy. This after all was one of the first times in a very long time that it felt as if the family was starting to find its way back to a new kind of normal. Now, being able to spend this day with this little blonde haired boy who had stayed calm and cool during the last few months when everyone else was anything but, who had constantly told everyone that would listen that his little brother would be fine and who had welcomed his new sibling without envy or attitude….gave this dad pure joy. He planned to take his son and let him choose anything he wanted at the fireworks stand. Today, money didn’t matter. All that mattered was the two of the spending time together and making his little boy laugh and smile as much as possible.
The dad opened the ventilation window above the toilet and then sat down next to the toilet and proceeded to set his coffee next to him on the floor. The bathroom wasn’t huge, but he had found a comfortable spot between the wall and the toilet to sit, drink coffee and have a cigarette. He lit his cigarette and took a sip of his coffee. Mentally he was planning the day ahead and trying to imagine the boy’s excitement when he told him that he could have ANYTHING he wanted at the firework stand. He put the cigarette to his lips, took a long drag and……..
The boy was hurriedly drying off and trying to dress. He wanted to be ready as soon as his dad was out of the shower. He heard the clank of his dad’s coffee cup hit the floor and he could smell the smoke from his cigarette. He knew Dad wasn’t in the shower yet and that it would likely be a few before he finished his cigarette. The boy felt a twinge of disappointment that his dad didn’t get directly in the shower, but then again….he knew he never did. Then he heard a single word…..”Ouch.” There was another sound but the boy wasn’t sure what the sound was. Gingerly he pressed his ear to the bathroom door and tentatively said, “Dad?” There was no answer. The dad always answered. So the boy knocked. Still no answer. Confused, the boy opened the door.
The dad lay with his head between the toilet and the wall. He held a lit cigarette and his coffee cup sat on the floor by his side. His eyes were closed but there was a slight gurgling sound coming from his chest. The boy’s eyes grew wide as he tried to understand what lay before him. Then he knew, his dad was teasing him. His dad loved to kid around. He carefully walked closer to his dad, expecting at any moment that he would jump up and grab him, all the while laughing his booming laugh…but there was no movement. “Dad,” the boy said. Then more quietly, “Daddy.” The gurgling continued. Maybe he passed out the boy thought. Using the extent of his 5 year old knowledge, he picked up the now luke warm coffee cup and he poured the coffee in his dads face. There was nothing…not even the slightest movement. It was at that moment that the boy knew. He took the still burning cigarette from his father’s hand. He squashed it out in the ashtray next to his dad, just as he had seen him do it a million times.
The boy sat there. He touched his dad’s hand. It was warm and rough as always. At that moment, he knew that hand was the hand he loved the most in the world. He wanted with all of his heart for that hand to reach up and grab his. He wanted to feel the warmth and security of his own small hand wrapped deep inside his father’s big and safe hand. No!!!! He wanted his daddy to sit up and smile at him. He wanted to sit in his lap and feel those arms around him. He didn’t want his dad just to lay there, covered in coffee with that horrible gurgling sound going on. Then it stopped and the boy just sat there, his blue eyes now a steel grey as he continued holding his dad’s hand and watching his dad’s face turn from a pink to a grayish color. Slowly the warmth was leaving his dad’s fingers and the boy just wanted this to be a dream. He kept thinking that he wanted to wake up. He wanted to run into his mom and dad’s bedroom and hug his dad. He wanted to tell his dad about the awful dream and he wanted to hear his dad say, “It was just a dream. I am fine.” He wanted to get fireworks. He wanted to hear his dad laugh and sing and he wanted to watch his dad dance with his mom across the living room floor. Most of all though, he didn’t want to be there alone. His young brain was beyond full and he was trying to process the most unthinkable situation and it simply wasn’t possible. He was alone and suddenly he was scared.
The boy had never been home alone and this was the worst way to have that experience for the first time. Fighting back the tears he looked behind him and the family dog sat quietly, just watching. He obviously had no idea what to do either. The boy tentatively pulled his hand away from his dad. He knew this might be the last time he felt that hand, but waves of reality kept hitting him. He was alone, he was scared and he knew that his dad was gone. He looked at his father’s face, looking lifeless and colorless and he quietly whispered “Goodbye Daddy.” He then made his way to the dog. He buried his face in the fur of the animal and let out a sob. The dog whimpered sensing how devastated his little human was.
The boy, still scared, still alone and still not knowing how to handle the way his world had just changed, slowly walked to his bedroom. The dog followed. As the boy walked in his room, all the things he loved, all the things that made him happy and all the things that made him secure, no longer existed. He just wanted to feel safe and he didn’t know how to do that. The boy walked towards his bed and grabbed his pillow and blanket and then he got down on his knees and crawled under his bed. The space was small, but then so was he. The dog, knowing how much the boy needed him, got down on his belly and pulled himself under the bed too and lay his head on the boys stomach. Together they remained like this for what seemed like forever.
The boy startled awake and the dog whimpered at the boys’ sudden movement. For a second the boy thought it might all have really been a dream. Then he looked up to see the bottom of his bed and his heart sank once again. He had no idea how long he had been under the bed nor did he know when anyone would be home. Then the fleeting thought went through his head, what if they don’t come back? He knew deep inside they would, but what if they didn’t? He continued to lay there, the dog never moving from his side and the boy wondering one thing….Why?
Suddenly the dog whimpered loudly and backed out from under the bed. The boy lay there listening. The car door shut. Then another. THEY WERE HOME!!!!! The boy quickly rolled out from under the bed and rushed down the hall. He ran to the door and opened it just as his mom, with the baby and his older brother stepped in. A huge uncontrollable sob welled up and escaped his chest and then the words that he knew to be true, but the words he hadn’t been able to say finally came exploding out as
he grabbed his mom and held her tightly. “Mommy, Daddy is dead!” And as she looked into those eyes that had aged a hundred years since she had left that morning….she knew it was true.
he grabbed his mom and held her tightly. “Mommy, Daddy is dead!” And as she looked into those eyes that had aged a hundred years since she had left that morning….she knew it was true.
