Thinking, Planning and Hoping

 

I have some little birds that from time to time come and whisper in my ear, especially when it has to do with my blog and my writing in general. One of those little birds recently told me that I should really blog more about ME! I laughed. This is not the first time nor is she the first person...errr...little bird that has told me this. My pat answer is always, This entire blog is about me, what more do you want to know? The little bird then said, "You tell the world what you want the world to know, the world however wants to know the stuff you don't tell us. The stuff you hold close and don't want to let go of." My first thought was, honey, I am really not that interesting and I am definitely not that deep. However, I did keep thinking about what she said. 

This week I began reading a book, The Stories We Tell, Every Piece of Your Story Matters, by Joanna Gaines. Now I am a true lover of memoirs, autobiographies, biographies, and the like and I have always really liked Joanna Gaines. She just always seemed to have a midwestern flair, like if we lived down the street from each other, I might like to stand a while and chat if we were both working in the yard or taking the trash cans to the curb. She has a down-to-earth feel about her, although if who she is on TV is anywhere close to who she is in person (and apparently it is) she has a whole lot more energy than I do. 

After barely getting started on her book, I realized why she had that midwestern feel to her. She grew up just down the road from me in the little town of Rose Hill. Well, there you have it. Her town of origin aside though, her book, not quite a memoir or an autobiography, sits nicely somewhere in between full of self analyzation and deep personal introspection. I could literally go on and on about this book, but one thing stood out right from the beginning. She said that she questioned whether to write this book, even though she had decades of bits and pieces of her life, her feelings, and herself, written in notebooks and journals all over her house. She wondered if anyone would read, or more importantly, even care about a book about her. It wasn't until she was deep into the writing though, that she realized not only was this book cathartic to her, but even though we are all individuals, we still all have similar life experiences that by sharing our own individual stories, may actually help someone else who reads it. It struck a chord. 

As I continued to read, I kept thinking about my little bird telling me "You tell the world what you want the world to know, the world however wants to know the stuff you don't tell us. The stuff you hold close and don't want to let go of." Now I am definitely no Joanna Gaines. We have the commonality of proximity in growing up, her having a degree in journalism and me studying journalism (which is really not the same at all), and me having my life written down in notebooks and journals everywhere, but pretty much that is where it ends. She is much younger than I am, she has traveled, she has had her own TV shows and she is an influencer to anyone who loves shiplap and farmhouse style, and yet, so much of what she talks about, the emotions....those she has shared and those she bottles up, her fears, her dreams and her desires, resonated with me like I never dreamed possible. This woman's words were affecting me to my core. She was speaking words that I needed to hear, and maybe, just maybe, there was more to me than I thought. Maybe someone needs to hear my story too. 

I have been doing a great deal of thinking about this whole writing about me thing. I have asked myself a lot of questions such as, who would even read this? Is there a big audience out there for the story of a Kansas girl who is a stay at home mom and grandma, who cooks, cleans, likes to write, and attempts to be crafty on occasion? Do people want to hear about the saddish childhood I didn't even know I had until I was an adult? My shadow man experience? My daddy issues and my wild late teens and early twenties (trust me, by today's standards, I was pretty mild, but for then....)? Who really wants to hear about my heartbreaks, my missed opportunities, my inability to talk without cussing, and my fear of, well.....everything? What's more, am I brave enough to put myself out there in a world of bullying, hate, and cancel culture...where every word is dissected, misinterpreted, and evaluated out of context? 

There are lots of questions and very few answers. Did I mention that I fear everything? 

I actually don't know whether I could take on the time I would need to write a book per se. I do think though, that piecing my life together in blog style (my real deep down life, not just the one I usually choose to show), might be a bit easier and I have no doubt, greatly cathartic....at least for me. Others in my world may not find it as mentally healing as I would/will. 

Granted, there would be no book deal or possibility of earning from it, but then that really wouldn't be the point of writing it, at least not for me. If my goal is to possibly help someone with my words, then financial gain for doing so seems a bit self-serving and even a tad hypocritical. These stories have to be put out there with the desire to help me by clearing out my mind and memories, organizing them, and learning from them as well as redefining who I am as a human being. By doing this....the hard work, and yes, even the scary work, then maybe it will help others to find something that I have battled that resonates with them and helps them or makes a difference in their life. 

So there you have it. The little bird whispered. I listened. Joanna Gaines spoke, and I am thinking, planning, and hoping that if I write it, you will read it. 

Until next time.