The Horrible House

 

I have to laugh. I do listen to what people say as far as my blogging goes. Sometimes I politely smile and say, "Now that is an interesting idea," while other times I try to actually implement what is suggested. Recently I have been implementing, only to get told last week that my blog was a little darker than expected. Really? 

They were referring to the part about my actual life. I was rather shocked, as my life was like a day at Disneyland compared to many other people's lives. What were you all expecting? Did you think my life was special and I sprouted from daffodils and breathed sunshine and light breezes during my young life? Well, you would be wrong. So if last week felt a little too grey for you, then this week might really throw you off and make you look at me through different eyes. Sorry. Not sorry. It just simply is what it is. 

The first house my mom, dad (step-dad), and I lived in, was an "L" shaped ranch style house that sat less than a block from my grade school. It had three bedrooms, one and a half baths, a living room, a den, a galley kitchen, and a small dinette area. The half bath attached to the master bedroom which by today's standards was just an average bedroom and the half bath which had no tub or shower, held the washer/dryer hookups and doubled as our laundry room. The house also had a rather large front patio enclosed by a bricked fence and a huge backyard, surrounded by large cedar trees. The large living room was supposed to be a formal living room complete with a wall of floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out over the backyard. My parents didn't have nearly enough furniture to fill such a spacious room, but as both of my parents were antique collectors, we did have a turn-of-the-century sofa, a Lincoln rocker, and a small, 1920s sewing rocker in the room. The rest became my brother's play area and toy room after he was born. 

To say I HATED this house, even as a young child, was an understatement. Looking back, I think the reason I had such strong feelings about it was because of the emotional trauma I felt living there, but in all fairness, the house itself did not help. 

Now some might say, that because of all the turmoil in my house, Dad leaving, Mom pregnant and sick, and me feeling like an afterthought, this might have contributed to my negative feelings in that house, and they would likely be right. It might also be believed that I fed off the feelings of my mom, however, I never particularly was conscious of my mom's feelings on the house until we had long moved away and then she let me know that she hated it as much as I did. So now I wonder, were some of my emotional situations coming from feeding off her feelings? Quite possibly, but some were uniquely my own too. 

I am sure that some of my harsh feelings towards the house were because of my dad's constant comings and goings. Now in my recollection, I never once ever remember my parents fighting in that house. Obviously, they did, but they never made me aware of it. Because of this, it made it just that much easier for me to believe that his leaving had to do with me and me alone. The coat closet by the front door was the bain of my young existence. My dad wore suits to work, and this is where he kept his suit jackets. When my dad was staying with us, the closet was full, but when he was gone, it was empty. I learned early on to check that closet daily, in order to know what his home status was. 

I was also too young at the time to know about his girlfriend, so I always thought he was staying with my grandparents. That illusion though was shattered when I was about eight, and Mom, myself, and my brother were driving to the store and we pulled up right next to my dad and his girlfriend at a stop light. My poor mom had a lot of explaining to do that day, as my dad refused to acknowledge that he even saw us, although he looked right at us, and of course, I never asked him about the situation, only Mom. 

One of the traumas I suffered not in the house but directly related to the house, happened when I was about six. It was a cold, grey winter day and I had been held after school for some reason. When I finally headed out for home, the street was basically empty. I always walked the block to and from school, as my mom had a newborn, and most kids in the area also walked. As I was walking towards my home, on the opposite side of the street, I saw a car parked with the engine running but facing the wrong way for that side of the street. He was facing the direction that I was walking. As I had gotten down a ways from the school's front doors, the car slowly pulled away from the other side of the street and started coming directly toward me. I noticed that his passenger window was down and I wondered why on such a cold day. The strange thing is though, I no longer know what the man looked like. I remember at the time thinking he was older, but to a six-year-old, older could be twenty or fifty. 

In the minutes that followed, the man tried to get me to come to his car, speaking to me through his rolled down window and trying to coax me with the warmth of his car. I began to run and darted in front of his car (not a great move) screaming to the top of my lungs for my mom. Luckily my lungs were strong and my screams were piercing on this cold afternoon as it carried straight to my mom who was waiting at the front door to get a glimpse of me. The man in the car pulled to the other side of the street trying to follow me and obviously having no idea how close to home I was. His driver's side window was also rolled down as he kept saying, "Little girl. I just want to give you a ride. Little girl, I'll take you to your mommy." 

It was just about then that my mom came out and stood in the front yard. The sight of her was such a relief as I ran directly into her arms and the man gunned his motor and sped down the street and past my waiting mom. 

Long story short, I was not this guy's only attempt at child abduction that day. After leaving us, he went to a grocery store parking lot a few blocks away and tried to grab a child walking with his mom to the car. The mom turned just in time to see him. Whether he was caught or not, I am not sure, but he left a lasting impression of stranger danger instilled in me, as well as more reason to hate my current surroundings. 

Another situation that caused me lasting trauma, happened in my own backyard. It was here that I was molested by an older neighborhood boy. Because my backyard was so large, and my mom was always there to keep an eye out, a lot of kids of different ages came over and played there. This particular neighborhood boy played there because he lived directly behind us and my mom knew his mom. He was a mean kid though, who often hit me when my mom wasn't looking, knowing that I was too timid to tell on him. 

On the side of our house, we had cedar trees growing huge and thick, blocking the view of any neighbors. Between the house and the trees was about an eight-foot space out of view of windows or my mom's vigilant eyes. The boy who was about four years older than me, convinced me to go beside the house with him, immediately yanking down my pants and his. As he began to touch me, I began crying, scared, and having no idea what to do. Luckily my mom had looked out and not seen me, so she stepped out and heard me crying. She came around the house and caught him. I remember she was so angry and she sent me into the house and told him to pull his pants up and get home. It was a different time and I am sure that my mom was immediately on the phone with his mom, but aside from what, if anything his parents might have done to him, nothing else happened. He was forbidden from ever coming into our yard again and I was told never to go near him. That was the end of it, but the incident never left me, nor did the emotional scarring it caused inside me. 

After that, I hated those cedar trees. In fact, to this day, I hate ALL cedar trees. It made me realize how dark and closed off they made the yard feel. They turned a place that I used to like to play, into a place I dreaded going. There was however, a large covered patio that set just out the backdoor that had a picnic table, and from then on, I would play on the patio, but I refused to go anywhere else in the yard unless my parents were out there with me. 

My bedroom also scared me from day one. I was okay in it during the day, but at night, it was a source of complete terror for me. My dad was a stickler for no nightlights and doors closed. The dark always felt so thick and I always had the sensation that someone or something was watching me. I refused to allow myself to see anything that might be there, so I would immediately shut my eyes tightly and cover my head, regardless of how warm the house was. I would lie there sweating and barely able to breathe, motionless, until I would fall asleep. I was literally terrified every night I slept in that room. 

The thing that solidified my dread of that house happened when I was six or seven. I was taking a bath at night with the bathroom door open. While playing in the tub, I saw something go past the door. Thinking it was my mom, I said her name but there was no answer. Then I heard her down the hall in the kitchen. 

I went back to playing when I saw something dart past the door again. I could still hear Mom down the hall and there was no one else but her and I and my baby brother who was in his playpen, in the house. Once again I went back to playing until out of the corner of my eye, I saw something dark. The bathtub sat on the opposing wall of the door, so as I just sat there, frozen, I could see directly out the door. There in the doorway stood a tall, dark, shadowy figure of a man wearing a hat. His face was shadowed by the hat and he was more floating than walking. In fact, I don't remember much of what he looked like from about mid-chest down, except for shadowy black. As I watched, he began to move towards me. The bathroom was about ten feet long and he was slowly closing the distance between the door and me. I remained frozen until he was about two feet from me and then I let out another one of my signature ear-piercing screams. I heard my mom's feet running towards me and just as the figure got close enough to touch me, she was coming around the corner of the bathroom. The figure exploded into nothingness. 

I was hysterical and told my mom what I had experienced. She told me that I was being silly and that it was just my imagination. I knew it wasn't and because of that knowledge, I refused to take a bath there again without my mom sitting outside the door.

 It wasn't until I was much older that my mom told me that she did actually believe me that day. She said I was too scared to not have seen something and over the years, I had never changed my story. At the time though, she didn't want to make me more afraid by letting me know that there might actually be something there. Ohhhhh that house. 

There was also the time that I was sound asleep and my mom came and yanked me out of bed and put my brother and I both in her bed (dad of course was not there). She locked her bedroom door, went to the closet, and pulled out a gun. I had no idea we had a gun or that my mom knew how to use one, but we did and she did. She sat on the bed with the gun pointed at the door as she called the police. She stayed in this position until she saw the reflection of the police lights in the window and heard the knock on the front door. 

Apparently, Mom had been rocking my brother in the Lincoln rocker in the living room. The room was dark so she could get him to sleep, when all of a sudden, she saw the light from a flashlight coming through the big window. Someone was in our backyard. Mom froze and then within minutes, she heard someone pounding on the front door. She went to the door but would not open it. She peered out through the window and saw a guy she had never seen before, dressed mainly in black holding the flashlight. She said he yelled through the door using her name and saying he was a cop just checking everything out and that if she would let him in, he would check out the inside too. Needless to say, she made no sound and that is when she ran and got me, putting us in her room. 

The police assured her, that it was not a cop and that they would never be in our backyard without first being called and then getting her permission. They never caught the guy, but it was obvious that he had been watching our house, knew who my mom was, and knew my dad was not there. 

It wasn't long after that Dad moved back home for a bit. One night I was in bed and I kept hearing something outside my window. I started crying and Mom heard me. She looked out and saw nothing so she told me to go back to sleep. Under the covers I went, this time with my fingers in my ears, so I couldn't hear anything. The next morning, my dad looked outside and saw a bunch of stuff scattered over the backyard. When he went out to check it out, there were rings, necklaces, a small camera, along with some other items. 

My parents called the police, recognizing the jewelry held some value. Come to find out that there had been several break-ins in our neighborhood the night before and these were some of the items that had been stolen. The police figured that the thieves had cut through our backyard as the cedar trees would keep them out of view and they likely had dropped the items in the process. So I HAD heard something. 

My last night in that house came when I was about eight. I was in the third grade and school was not out for summer yet. Dad of course was not residing with us, and I was asleep when again, my mom came and pulled me out of bed. This time she handed me some shoes and told me to put them on and then she put my brother and me in the car, which was packed to the brim with our stuff. She locked the house door, got in the car and we took off. Once a ways down the road, she told me that we were going to stay with my Aunt Margaret. My Aunt Margaret lived in New Mexico. It was not even sunup as it was still dark, but by day's end, we would be in another state, another home and this would be the beginning of the end of a long drawn out dissolution of my family. At least I never had to step foot in that horrible house again. 

Little fun fact. The horrible house was on the market a few years ago and there were many realty pictures of it. Gone are the ominous cedar trees, the enclosed brick front patio, and the interior has been done to look light and airy. I couldn't help but wonder if the house held such darkness for me because my family was in such a dark period ourselves or was the house just that horrible? Did any other children residing there fear the night or meet up with what I later learned was a shadow man? I certainly hope not. 

That was not our last experience with the scary and traumatic in places we lived, but I never once have missed that horrible house and the emotional distress it caused me. Funny thing though, up until my dad's death last year, he proclaimed that house to be his favorite of all the houses he had lived in. Perhaps if he had actually lived there, either we would all have had a more positive experience, or at the very least, he might have seen it through different eyes. 

Thinking, Planning and Hoping

 

I have some little birds that from time to time come and whisper in my ear, especially when it has to do with my blog and my writing in general. One of those little birds recently told me that I should really blog more about ME! I laughed. This is not the first time nor is she the first person...errr...little bird that has told me this. My pat answer is always, This entire blog is about me, what more do you want to know? The little bird then said, "You tell the world what you want the world to know, the world however wants to know the stuff you don't tell us. The stuff you hold close and don't want to let go of." My first thought was, honey, I am really not that interesting and I am definitely not that deep. However, I did keep thinking about what she said. 

This week I began reading a book, The Stories We Tell, Every Piece of Your Story Matters, by Joanna Gaines. Now I am a true lover of memoirs, autobiographies, biographies, and the like and I have always really liked Joanna Gaines. She just always seemed to have a midwestern flair, like if we lived down the street from each other, I might like to stand a while and chat if we were both working in the yard or taking the trash cans to the curb. She has a down-to-earth feel about her, although if who she is on TV is anywhere close to who she is in person (and apparently it is) she has a whole lot more energy than I do. 

After barely getting started on her book, I realized why she had that midwestern feel to her. She grew up just down the road from me in the little town of Rose Hill. Well, there you have it. Her town of origin aside though, her book, not quite a memoir or an autobiography, sits nicely somewhere in between full of self analyzation and deep personal introspection. I could literally go on and on about this book, but one thing stood out right from the beginning. She said that she questioned whether to write this book, even though she had decades of bits and pieces of her life, her feelings, and herself, written in notebooks and journals all over her house. She wondered if anyone would read, or more importantly, even care about a book about her. It wasn't until she was deep into the writing though, that she realized not only was this book cathartic to her, but even though we are all individuals, we still all have similar life experiences that by sharing our own individual stories, may actually help someone else who reads it. It struck a chord. 

As I continued to read, I kept thinking about my little bird telling me "You tell the world what you want the world to know, the world however wants to know the stuff you don't tell us. The stuff you hold close and don't want to let go of." Now I am definitely no Joanna Gaines. We have the commonality of proximity in growing up, her having a degree in journalism and me studying journalism (which is really not the same at all), and me having my life written down in notebooks and journals everywhere, but pretty much that is where it ends. She is much younger than I am, she has traveled, she has had her own TV shows and she is an influencer to anyone who loves shiplap and farmhouse style, and yet, so much of what she talks about, the emotions....those she has shared and those she bottles up, her fears, her dreams and her desires, resonated with me like I never dreamed possible. This woman's words were affecting me to my core. She was speaking words that I needed to hear, and maybe, just maybe, there was more to me than I thought. Maybe someone needs to hear my story too. 

I have been doing a great deal of thinking about this whole writing about me thing. I have asked myself a lot of questions such as, who would even read this? Is there a big audience out there for the story of a Kansas girl who is a stay at home mom and grandma, who cooks, cleans, likes to write, and attempts to be crafty on occasion? Do people want to hear about the saddish childhood I didn't even know I had until I was an adult? My shadow man experience? My daddy issues and my wild late teens and early twenties (trust me, by today's standards, I was pretty mild, but for then....)? Who really wants to hear about my heartbreaks, my missed opportunities, my inability to talk without cussing, and my fear of, well.....everything? What's more, am I brave enough to put myself out there in a world of bullying, hate, and cancel culture...where every word is dissected, misinterpreted, and evaluated out of context? 

There are lots of questions and very few answers. Did I mention that I fear everything? 

I actually don't know whether I could take on the time I would need to write a book per se. I do think though, that piecing my life together in blog style (my real deep down life, not just the one I usually choose to show), might be a bit easier and I have no doubt, greatly cathartic....at least for me. Others in my world may not find it as mentally healing as I would/will. 

Granted, there would be no book deal or possibility of earning from it, but then that really wouldn't be the point of writing it, at least not for me. If my goal is to possibly help someone with my words, then financial gain for doing so seems a bit self-serving and even a tad hypocritical. These stories have to be put out there with the desire to help me by clearing out my mind and memories, organizing them, and learning from them as well as redefining who I am as a human being. By doing this....the hard work, and yes, even the scary work, then maybe it will help others to find something that I have battled that resonates with them and helps them or makes a difference in their life. 

So there you have it. The little bird whispered. I listened. Joanna Gaines spoke, and I am thinking, planning, and hoping that if I write it, you will read it. 

Until next time. 

COVID....Moving Forward and Leaving Behind

 

It is hard to believe that it has been a year since the great toilet paper shortage of  2020. It has also been almost a year since the country began shutting everything down and made masks the new accessory that goes with absolutely nothing. 

No, I am not going to be talking about whether to wear a mask or not nor am I going to talk about the politics of COVID, the misinformation, or even about what it has done to the economy. That is all in the past. What I am going to talk about though, is the here and now and what our world looks like going forward. 

One of the areas in this country that COVID and COVID precautions have done a number on are our schools. Schools across the country have shut down and gone to mostly online classes and kids have suffered. They have lost true socialization, they have felt confined and many have quit school because, with so many working parents, many high school kids have not had the daily motivation to keep going. Aside from that though, having no school has been hard on the mental health of kids. Kids were not designed to be on lockdown, as they are social beings. Without the social interaction and the ability to have time away from home and family, this causes big emotions in the already hormonal kids that can have side effects such as self-harm and even suicide. We are creating situations that we might not be able to step back from. 

In my town last year, we quarantined like everyone else and after spring break, our kids finished the year online. This school year, our school board did their best to stay within the state guidelines and to also give parents a choice of how they felt comfortable with their kids learning. Kids could either do a hybrid schedule, where kids went to school half the day and did online school the other half, or they could do full-time online. Most parents have been satisfied with the choice. Of late, though, with the new state guidelines and things beginning to open up a bit, many hybrid parents have been pressing to fully opening up the schools again. They don't care if the kids have to wear masks and wash their hands 100 times a day, they feel their kids need full-time school, and quite frankly, so do the parents. So, our school district has now offered a new option for the last nine weeks. Kids can go full days or online. The hybrid option is basically no longer on the table. Many parents are jumping at this. Of course, though, there are those parents who are NOT happy with the all-day option as they still feel, it is too soon and the heated "discussions" have begun. 

So this brings me to the point of this blog. What is next?

My biggest concern when all of the COVID stuff started was, the fear I saw. Suddenly people became immensely afraid and many would not leave their homes. Those that did could be seen wearing at least one mask everywhere they went and some wore two. Some even wore full-on medical respirators and these people were not satisfied just wearing a mask themselves. They vehemently insisted that EVERYONE wear one too. This caused numerous online and in-person battles and showed the worst sides of people in general. Fear never brings out the best in people and a good percent of the population was scared right down to their skivvies. People were legitimately scared of dying from COVID. 

I myself though, was a little put off because of the hypocrisy in the whole mask thing, as many of these terrified people, just a couple of weeks before the mask mandates began, were the same people in stores with hundreds of others, coughing, sneezing and buying up all the toilet paper. The only fear they had at that moment, was that they might not get 25 packages of Charmin. Then, the mandate came about, and suddenly they were too frozen with fear to step out their front door, and definitely not without a mask. 

Now here we are all these months later, and there are those who still seem too afraid to even think about letting their kids, back in school or God forbid, going without a mask. So I guess my question is, when will people find it truly safe to get back to normal? What will it take? Will it ever even happen?

Sadly, my guess is that there are those out there permanently scarred by the last year and their fear, now rules them. To walk out into the open without a mask is unthinkable and not unlike many in China, going forward there may be those who never go out without a mask again. It is sad, but that is a choice they are making and if it makes them comfortable, then who am I to say anything?

The problem is, there have always been germs out there and viruses that have the potential to kill indiscriminately. For years, the flu has taken hundreds of thousands of lives and still we ate in crowded restaurants, went to concerts and big events, shopped Black Friday, and gathered in churches and schools, running fevers, coughing on each other, and rubbing our germ-ridden bodies up against each other without nary a thought. We didn't expect others to wear a mask to protect our health, nor did we expect the government, restaurants, stores, or schools to protect our health. This was the world we lived in and going back to normal, likely means going back to some version of this. After this last year though, there are those, that I doubt will ever be able to handle going back to this. Their fear of getting sick will far outweigh their enjoyment of life or a return to normalcy. 

For others though, they may have complied with the health mandates when necessary, but every chance they got, they maintained as normal a life as possible. This meant tossing the mask when possible and going out whenever they could, wherever they could. Many of these people also contracted COVID, recovered, and went right back to life. These are the people that have been living for the moment when the mandates are over and they can go to a concert, sing in church and shop Black Friday like it's their job.

Now please don't think that I don't know that COVID is real and in many cases, it has been debilitating and even deadly. It has taken people's health and their lives. But even for those who have not gotten the virus, it has also taken a lot. It has made it so that those in nursing homes have not seen their families and some have died never getting to say goodbye. It has kept families apart and left many who have died, without funerals. It has closed down businesses and left people unemployed. It has left families homeless and allowed the spread of abuse, addiction, and suicide. And for many, COVID has taken security, peace of mind, and the ability to function in a world that 14 months ago had been our norm all of our lives.  

So what will our post-pandemic world look like? I can't speak for anyone else, but I know how it will look for me. Before COVID was ever a thing, I wore a mask when I was sick during flu season. I always washed my hands and used good hygiene and I used common sense when I was sick and stayed home. I also tried hard to avoid big crowds during heavy cold and flu times. I imagine that my future looks much the same. 

I guess I am different than most. I never feared COVID. I stayed in and quarantined during the times we were trying to "flatten the curve," and I wore a mask out and about, but if others didn't, I never paid much attention. That was their business. I did get COVID, even using precautions and although it wasn't great, I can honestly say I have been much sicker having the flu. Had it, God forbid, killed me though, my family would not have blamed non-mask wearers, the stores I went to nor anyone else. It would simply have been my time and COVID would have been the way. 

So I am sure, sooner rather than later, the mandates will slowly fall away and the majority of people will start digging for some small part of the norm they left behind. Others though will fight for their security and be very angry that others aren't doing the same. It will be a sticking point that likely won't soon go away. It will just be part of the mess that COVID leaves behind. 

So....I Went to Mass Today

So..... I went to Mass today. It was only my second time being in the church since the whole COVID-19 thing took over all our lives. The first time was was back in June, when it looked for a brief shining moment, like we might get back to something that looked like normal....but we didn't. 

No, I have not become a CINO (Catholic in name only). I have continued to hold onto my faith, pray like crazy and "attend" Mass on YouTube weekly, but currently, so much is going on in the world, that I decided I needed to head to God's home and the place where I feel His presence the most.

Now our town, though small, has many churches and my church, St. Michael the Archangel, has several hundred families that are practicing Catholics who attend. Those people are usually divided up in attendance in three different Masses each Saturday evening and Sunday morning. As happens with most things, people get comfortable with a certain Mass time and unless they have a scheduling conflict, that becomes the service they frequent. At any given service, the church is two thirds to completely full, with people arriving up to 30 minutes early to say the rosary before Mass begins.

Today, I decided to go at 11:00 a.m.  I was moving rather slow and so as I pulled up, it was about 10:45. My heart literally sank as I parked my car. There were only two other cars in the parking lot. I walked in and the church was all but empty with only three of us in the pews. I knelt down and almost cried. Is this where we were at? Have we become so fearful, that we can't even allow ourselves the sanctuary of God's house?  I prayed my rosary silently.

Within in the next fifteen minutes, more people trickled in and by the start of Mass, the church was less than about a third full (which 1/3rd full is the current recommended capacity for any public building). There was great sadness inside me as I sat there realizing how much the threat of this virus was taking from us and I couldn't help but wonder after this is all over, how many will have completely lost their faith, their way and some even their lives, due to the threat, the fear and the anxiety of COVID-19?

As I sat there, a warm comfort came over me. It is the same way I always feel stepping into this church. I feel a peace and closeness with God that I truly feel no place else. Every time I walk through those doors and into that church, I feel as if I am home. I had no idea how much I had missed not being there, or how much my heart, my soul and my mind needed to be there. Online Mass services may be allowed as a replacement for attending Mass during this "pandemic" according to the dioceses, but it is an empty experience compared to actually being there and being a part of the Mass in all of its beauty and soulful healing.

Suddenly, while praying, out of nowhere, I heard my mothers voice in my head. It was from a conversation that she and I had had many times in my life. She was a child of WWII. She knew that often faith and politics don't mix and thus, faith is discouraged if not destroyed as the rules of God do not always suit the rules of man and thus man tries to destroy the undestroyable....God. Often my mom cautioned me, that there could come a time in my life that "man" might try to force me to choose between God and the secular world. I might even be coerced into denying God to save my own life or that of those I love. She warned me that I must always choose God, for with God all things are possible and if death is the ultimate outcome (and lets face it, we are all going to die one way or another), then those that die choosing God have eternal life. It just all comes down to faith.

So then as I sat in the quiet with my rosary in my hand, it all began to make sense. Mom was not wrong. No, it wasn't some Hitlerish dictator standing over me demanding my allegiance to him and a subsequent denial of God and my faith, (as I am sure she often imagined), but it was still an attempt to force me to deny....or disregard my faith nonetheless.

Throughout the centuries, when things in the world became bad and nearly catastrophic, people of faith always found their way to church...the house of God. Here they knew that God was bigger than anything this secular world could dish out and they were protected by their faith and His grace. It was a faith that got people through famines, wars, deaths and even destruction of all that was around them. Faith in God and God's grace are a mighty armor and it can protect those that believe, from the worst fear to the gravest reality. If you have complete faith in God, then this world and the worst it has to offer are simply no match for the power of the Almighty. So by hiding in fear and not physically attending Mass, in a very real way, I was denying God and allowing fear to override my faith. In essence, I have been doing exactly what my mother warned me against. She was a very smart woman who knew what was coming, she just never could have imagine what form it would take.

The reality of today truly got me to thinking. While some have grabbed their faith and clung to it through all of this, many have found themselves worshiping at the feet of fear and with churches being deemed non-essential, people are losing their foundation in their faith and being drawn into chaos and the worst of secularism in our world. We are at one of the lowest points our country has seen in modern times with unprecedented issues and actions, from deception, to fear, to rioting, looting and murder in the streets. We are drowning in it all emotionally and many are succumbing to the devastation and negativity and losing emotional battles within themselves resulting in abuse, addiction and even death. The slippery slope that our churches closing put many on, is quickly turning into a landslide that people are losing their footing on and they are forgetting that all they need to do is reach up, grab hold and pray.

While I can't speak for others, their feelings or their faith, I can say that today brought me back to a place that I needed to be. I had allowed my sanctuary to be deemed non-essential, when in reality, it was the most essential part of my life. It is my place of peace, where in just moments I realized that no one but God is in control and in all of the chaos, He is allowing us to learn what is really important in this world. Perhaps we have to know fear, hate, unrest and abject sorrow before we are ready to appreciate our blessings, know that fear cannot walk side by side with faith, that hate never solved anything and that love is a powerful gift. Maybe God is allowing us to bleed a little before we can heal completely. I really don't know God's plan, but I do know that all I must do is ask and He is there. He holds me securely in His grace and never more so than when I am in His house.

None of us knows God's plan for us, nor the hour and design of our death. Those things, only God knows and I have no control over any of it. What I can control though, is how I choose to live my life going forward, and living in fear and robbing myself of my faith and that which is spiritually essential to me, is not living at all.  I need to refocus on the fact that God is bigger than any virus, any riot, any political party and anyone or anything in His creation.

Yes....a lot of lessons were learned today as I pulled myself back to a peaceful center. What a beautiful day to renew my faith and re-evaluate "essential."

So....I went to Mass today.

*As always, this is my blog and these are my thoughts, feelings and opinions. I in no way expect anyone to think, feel or express themselves as I do... just because I do. I do however, expect you to respect my right to have them just as I respect yours.

Maskers vs. Anti-Maskers

Happy "almost" 4th of July!!!!

Tomorrow we will be celebrating Independence Day. Well....in theory anyway. Most of us are feeling anything but "independent" and after what has been going on in our government and with the citizens of our country, many also find little to be proud of. Basically we have all lost our damn minds and if proof is needed, just look at social media.

So today, I am going to talk......masks...or what I like to call maskers vs. anti-maskers.  

In my state, our governor "mandated" that as of midnight last night, masks were going to be mandatory in public places. It was then pointed out that the governor did not really hold the power to "force" this decision, so it turned into she "highly suggested" that masks be worn in public places. In essence, she really can't "force" masks to be worn, but she did empower businesses to reject services to customers who do not wear masks. It also became a situation where since there was a great deal of blow back on the mask "suggestion" that the counties started deciding whether they would try to enforce the mandate or not. Our county decided that they would stick with "suggest" since the police had already made a statement that they would not be enforcing, arresting or even acknowledge calls that pertained to mask wearing. Can you blame them? We are in the middle of summer, the highest crime rate time anyway, and because of this mandate they are now going to be inundated with Karen Calls about people not wearing masks.

So where do I stand on the subject? Usually about 6 feet (or further if possible) away from people whether they are wearing a mask or not. I am not a fan of people right now....mask or no mask. I also do a lot of heavy sighing and eye rolling when I see the ridiculousness of what I see on the news and in social media with the maskers vs the anti-maskers.

I do kind of see this from both sides, as fear has been a powerful media tool in the pushing of masks and apparently fear leads a lot of peoples lives. Who knew?  On the other hand, I completely understand the desire to not want to have your face covered when it is 100 degrees outside. Especially when reputable sources on both sides, doctors, scientists and even the CDC have said one thing and then changed it time and time again in the last few months. What we know about this virus is.......we apparently don't know! What I know about this virus is.....I am not going to stop living my life nor am I going to live my life in fear. Like me or hate me.....I don't really care. I guess I am just a rebel like that.

So today I went to Walmart. I hate going to Walmart, especially the day before a holiday weekend. The stars aligned just so though, and today was the day I got to go. Now, I have not been wearing a mask much, but I do carry one with me, as I am not going to disrespect a business if they want me to wear one on their premises. If I don't want to wear a mask, then I don't need to do business there, but if I need their services, then I have enough respect to abide by their wishes.

I truly expected today, with the "suggestion" in place, that I would not be allowed in Walmart without a mask. I was amazed though at the hoards of people shopping along with no masks. Yes, there were slightly more people wearing masks than usual, but there were just as many if not more, without. Because I wanted to get in and get out without incident and because there were soooooo many people in the store, I did actually wear my mask going in. However, after about 10 minutes with the heat, humidity and so many people, I had to take my mask off. My glasses kept fogging up, I was getting a horrible headache and my mask was literally getting wet from the humidity....in the store. I gave up.

I did my shopping without incident and as I was leaving I heard an interesting conversation. The lady who stands at the exit was of course, wearing a mask and an older gentleman and his wife who were also wearing masks, walked up to her and thanked her for wearing the mask. She told them, your welcome but that it was mandatory for all employees to wear one. Then he asked why they were allowing customers to walk around without masks on. She told him that it is Walmart's policy, that they cannot refuse service to anyone whether they are wearing a mask or not and they cannot ask someone to put a mask on. Interesting. So that explained a lot. There are obviously some businesses worried about the economics of this whole virus thing.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not going to get into a knock down drag out over a stupid mask.If it is a business requirement I will do it without comment. If however, I have a choice, you are going to see my naked face every time. Sound funny? Maybe, but that is just me.

Is the virus real? Yes of course it is. There are though, I believe, many "facts" about this virus that are not real. I refuse to argue about it though. Why? Because I could argue with a wall and get further than I can with a masker. When someone acts based in fear, there is no getting through that barrier of fear and resistance and I am not even going to waste my time trying. Life is just too short. I am however, going to go on with my life as simply as possible. I will carry a mask with me and I will wear one where it is required to do business. Every place else, I will social distance, not because I am told to, but because I have always done that.

Bottom line, if you choose to wear a mask, I have no problem with that and you will get no argument from me on your choice...because frankly....it is none of my damn business how you choose to live your life. I also will not argue with you on my choice to wear or not to wear one, because frankly....it is my choice and none of your damn business how I choose to live my life.

I can think of no better way of ending this than with this video of the Star Spangled Banner. Perhaps you will learn something you didn't know.

Social Distance, Shelter in Place, Lock Down

In 1920, when the clock struck midnight that New Years Eve/Day, the world began to change. The year 1920, brought us prohibition, bathtub gin, flappers, shorter dresses and even shorter female hairstyles, while men took on a more dapper style with with wide lapels, pin stripes and fedoras. It was also the beginning of many Americans owning motor cars, radio's and telephones. All of these things changed everything about us, from how we dressed, to how we drank, got around, got our information and how we communicated. The world in fact seemed to be a bright new place in 1920, ushering in products and opportunities which would have a profound effect on our culture, jobs, homes and life in general for all the decades that followed. With WWI over and Henry Ford's advances in manufacturing with the assembly-line, 1920 set the decade up for what looked like unending fiscal and personal success. On the surface America was shiny, but like any year and any decade, there would be cracks in the facade and the shininess would fade. Still though, we were working our way into an unforgettable 20th Century.

Now, looking at 2020, the world once again changed on New Years Eve/Day, but into something far different than what we celebrated a hundred years before. As we said goodbye to 2019 and drove headlong into the new year and new decade, our world and our country were far from a joyous and exciting time and place. Going into 2020, we drug a lot of baggage from the past year that had been building far longer than the previous decade. We brought in political unrest, racial unrest, Constitutional unrest and a loss of morality, faith and humanity as we had become a world in which our own individual self-interest was our goal, we were our own gods and humanity was only an after thought as long as we were getting what we wanted. We had become a world where the only conversations we wanted to have were the ones in which we were agreed with and in which our opinions came out of the mouths of others. We had quit sharing ideas and growing in an effort to be the loudest voice with the only opinion. We were a world of fake news, fear mongers and power hungry, money driven leaders. Worst of all, because we the people had lost a sense of who we were, we became ripe for those who told us we needed to be taken care of, led and controlled for our own "best interest" and safety. We were blindly following those who cared nothing about any of those things, but only the power they could control us with.

Yes, this is what we ended 2019 with and this is what we entered 2020 with. Now, five months into this new year and decade and we seem to be losing ground, losing stability and losing our rights as free individuals in a free country. The worst part, no one is actually taking our stability and rights from us....we are simply willingly handing them over with the misconception that this will keep us safe. Welcome to 2020. My how a hundred years has changed us.

Much has happened this new year globally and much has happened in my life personally. It has all made me very introspective and emotionally frustrated. It is one of those times where I have to get it out or mentally choke on that which I find emotionally breaking. So here it goes:

As we came into 2020, we were still dealing with an unprecedented Presidential Impeachment where the news was fake and the "facts" were fluid, changing as the agenda saw fit. Of course in the end, it was nothing more than a gigantic waste of taxpayers money, congress did no actual work and the American people, regardless of which side of the fence they were on, were forced into the acknowledgement of just how little our elected officials actually cared about the good of the country as they were willing to raise the debt with a legal farce and attempt to destroy an economy that was struggling to get back on it's feet.

Once the impeachment charade was over, there was barely time for Nancy Pelosi to remember that her job entailed more than trying to impeach her nemesis, when we were hit with the Corona Virus (i.e. COVID 19). Now I won't rehash the onset of this virus, the stupidity of those who ran out to buy enough toilet paper to get through the decade or mass hysteria that ensued in the early days of this pandemic. After all, I have already written a couple of blogs concerning that and I am sure you all know by now how I feel about it all.

No, what I want to discuss on this blog is the here and now and the whole lock down, shelter in place, social distancing, killing our economy and making us all angry assholes thing.

For most of the country and I guess a good part of the world, it was at first suggested we "social distance." While the words were familiar, their term is now one that will go down in history as a key phrase to the 2020 pandemic. In my opinion, social distancing was nothing more than common sense and I took it to mean, if you are feeling unwell, don't go to work, don't go to the club, don't go to the store, don't go to school. You should stay home and take care of yourself, thus preventing the spread of your germs. Apparently what everyone else heard was: Run out and shop like there is no tomorrow. Breathe on everyone and become angry if you are not able to buy more than 100 rolls of toilet paper and 25 canisters of disinfectant wipes. I'm not sure how social distancing meant such different things to different people, but in no time, we were off and running with the spread of the virus running rampant.

Social distancing then went from use common sense, to now you all are going to shelter in place. This was the step where the government decided that we couldn't be trusted to use common sense, so they were going to get a bit heavy handed and start enforcing laws that didn't exist and spread the word that the government and not the people were in charge. Now in all fairness, the people did act a fool over the social distancing, so we basically handed them the authoritarian governmental grounding that they gave us. The shelter in place was the beginning of school closings for the year and a limiting of numbers of people who could gather in any one place. It started at 250 and gradually made its way down to 6. I was afraid I was going to have to start kicking people out of my house.

Finally, we went into full on lock down. I have hated this terminology from day one because it is subliminal terminology which brainwashes us into believing the government can legally control us in the guise of "protecting" us. Without written laws on the books they cannot, but that did not and does not stop them from trying to intimidate and over reach. Lock down is a term used in prisons as a means to control a population. In the last couple of decades, it has made its way into our mainstream thought processes as a term of "safety" in instances such as school shootings. The bottom line though....lock down is still a means to control a population and control us they have.

During this lock down, we have been forced (again...no laws on the books and completely unConstitutional) to shut down businesses, social gathering places and we even been prohibited from having graduations, funerals and church services. We have been forced to wear masks even though "science" tells us that they can cause more health problems than they solve and people have been encouraged to turn on one another and rat out their friends, family and neighbors to the "authorities"  if they "think" they are breaking non-existent laws. Meanwhile, our economy that was just about back on it's feet has all but tanked. Small businesses are dying, big businesses are losing ground and all the businesses that were gradually coming back to the United States in the last few years, may have to leave again, just to survive. And even though all of this started months ago, we are still being forced into government mandated restrictions based in nothing but their say-so. Blessedly, some are wising up and realizing we can't continue this crap indefinitely, but certain governors of certain political persuasions are dragging out the reopening states, business and the economy as long as they possibly can. Why?

While I have never been a conspiracy theorist, this whole situation would have any thinking person doing just that.....thinking. Never in history have we had a pandemic that has caused this kind of behavior from the leaders or the people. You have to ask yourself,  if  with the media we have, are we being given the actual facts? With the corruptness we have seen from congress, are the media being given actual facts? When you have medical professionals and scientists who can't agree on things as simple as the safety of wearing a mask and mortality numbers are not agreeing, you have to wonder just what the facts are? Yet we as a people, seem to cringe with each media report even when many of those reports have been debunked. We are so fear obsessed that we are throwing our rights out the door, for the promise of a little safety. We have gone from being the land of the free and the home of the brave, to the land of the controlled and the home of the afraid. You do realize that we are not the first people to be afraid of something. We are simply the first people to hand over our rights because of that fear.

Believe me,  I am not saying that COVID-19 isn't real and that it can't kill people. What I am saying is that COVID-19 has been a convenient excuse to cultivate fear and hysteria, to make the people dependent on the government, to pass legislation in bills that might not have passed otherwise (Nancy you naughty girl) and to conveniently change the rules of an election year and how we might possibly "be allowed" to vote. It has also set the stage to change how our children will be educated, how we shop and what will be available for us to shop for and even how we will be able to do business.....if many even have businesses left. It's all a little too iffy for me to fall into what the government would like me to believe. I have too many questions and there simply aren't enough accurate answers.

Now I know that there are those of you who have lived in fear since the moment you heard the word "virus." In fact, I know there are some of you that haven't been out of your homes except for extreme needs since March and you are extremely angry with those who do go out (unless they are deemed essential...another word I hate.) I also know that as you read this, you are already thinking of all the stats, articles and statements from medical professionals that you can argue back at me with. To you I say, don't bother. I have read so much on both sides and I really don't believe much on either side. I also am not going to argue this with anyone. These are my thought and my feelings.....and maybe they will be my undoing, but I refuse to spend my life as a prisoner of fear. I have social distanced, sheltered in place and even locked down. I am done. Now, like it or not.....from this day forward.....I'm going to live my life. Now where's my flapper dress and my automobile? I'm going to town......and ain't that the bees knees! ;)

Dying of Fear

Today got me to thinking. I woke up and realized that 25 years ago today, a tragedy occurred that changed our country and the lives of everyone in the Alfred P. Murrah Building in Oklahoma City forever. The homegrown terrorists, whose names I will not even mention in this blog piece, at 9:02 a.m. on April 19, 1995 set off a bomb outside the federal building which injured approximately 680 people and killed 168 people including children in an on-site daycare. People could hear the bomb go off for miles and when the dust cleared, the devastation left behind had us all staring at our TV's in shocked disbelief. Our quiet spring morning had been disrupted and destroyed by domestic forces who wished to destroy and terrorize with the one goal of causing paralyzing fear and devastation. Their efforts while dedicated did not have their desired effect. Yes, they caused devastation but they also brought about something they could never have imagined in the people they hoped to debilitate with fear.

On that day, they brought about a strength and fearlessness that most of us never knew we even had. First responders and everyday citizens alike, bolted into action on a search and rescue mission while others stood by helping in anyway they could. People from across the country jumped in their vehicles and headed to Oklahoma so that they could offer their services in anyway possible. Those that couldn't be hands on, had hands folded in prayer as we watched the grueling footage of rescues and recoveries. We saw tiny bodies, bloodied and bruised being pulled out of the wreckage and we saw faces of family members, pale, tear streaked and waiting for word on their child, parent or spouse.

In all of it's devastation though, instead of filling us with fear and immobilizing us to run, hide, do nothing and hunker down in perceived "safety", it made us strong. We stood strong for those who had lost their lives that day, for those who had lost people they loved that day and for the state of Oklahoma who was suffering a loss that no state should ever have to endure. We stood strong against terrorism and those who tried to strike a blow against our country as a whole. We were all Oklahoman's that day, but more importantly, we were ALL Americans and we had a long history of standing up and fighting. Fear was not on the agenda...even with the realization that there were those in our own country that hoped to make us fear, make us weak and take us down from within. Were others out to get us? Was travel safe? Were Federal buildings, arena's or large gatherings even safe anymore? We had no idea but NO ONE was going to force us into fear.

Yes, today.....it all came back to me. So that is why I am switching gears and bringing us to the here and now.

Let's talk COVID-19. We are in week 3 or 30 (who can remember at this point) of all but "essential" businesses, schools and people being on lock down. Social media is still flooded with fear and mainstream media is still flooded with inaccurate mortality rates and fear mongering. It appears that gone are the people of 1995 or even the people of 2001, who refused to allow fear to rule them. Instead we have been replaced by an over reactive people who have traded common sense for fear and who refuse to listen to facts preferring a bought and paid for media who can't keep their stories straight. What is worse is that a majority of the people are all too easily ready to trade their constitutional rights for a perceived "feeling" of security in the guise of complete government control. We are no longer strong and fearless, we are weak, scared and ready to be picked off by our enemies. We are not Americans, we are a sad people gearing up to repeat the history of atrocities we swore would never happen again. Wrong....it's happening.

So we spend a lot of time speaking of "essential". Who decides essential? Call me crazy, but in our own way, aren't we ALL essential? Isn't every business whose income that provides a home, food and necessities for a family essential?  Isn't every business who has a payroll that provides for other families essential?  And isn't every business who pays taxes and helps to keep the economy up and running essential? So who has the right to say that you or your business is not essential? Constitutionally....no one, especially not those in government who smile while "hunkering down" and eating ice cream bars while their own actions are systematically destroying the country.

Now let me ask you, after you have come out of hiding, what happens when we finally realize that there are many viruses and flu's which we have REAL numbers on that are far deadlier as a whole than COVID-19? Have we set a precedence that we just never let our lives, our businesses or our economy go back to normal? Do we just remain in the security of our homes, with our hoarded toilet paper.....until we as individuals can no longer afford our homes and the government can no longer afford to continue stimulating the people with government checks?

I have got to ask, when the fearless Americans with common sense and a love of their constitutional rights left the building and these scared, frightened little pod people took over their bodies? This country and the world even, have survived illnesses and diseases much worse than COVID-19 and most without any vaccine to cure them. Bubonic Plague, Cholera, Dysentery, Yellow Fever, Scarlet Fever, Tuberculosis, Polio and yes....the Flu. They all have been contagious, miserable and even deadly and yet the world continued on. Economies didn't fall to the diseases and people built up immunities for many of these diseases while others we were lucky enough to find vaccines for and wipe them out completely. In most cases when these diseases hit, people had enough common sense to quarantine "the sick," or the exposed for the a specific number of days and then life went on. So what is the deal with us?

Someone told me the other day that the problem is that no one wants to die. Huh? Like it or not....that  is happening.....for all of us. None of us gets out a live, but what kind of life do we have if we have to live it in fear and hiding out from COVID-19, the next virus or the flu? The truth is, in the last 25 years, we have had far more deadly diseases run through our country and yes, there were casualties, but never have we over reacted to the point we are at now. Do you ask yourselves why?

The truth I believe is that this whole Corona situation became a very convenient political ploy in an election year. I think a ruined economy and a fearful people are going to have a big effect on a presidential election. I think that there were those who felt they were losing their political holds and COVID came on at the perfect time to make a public with a short memory focus on fear rather than facts and to put all of their thoughts and energy into a virus rather than to what was going on in congress just a few short weeks before. Let's face it, for some, COVID-19 basically erased the slate of  unjust and unconstitutional indiscretions for many. So yeah, there are many in congress relishing this virus, it's effect on the American people and the paycheck they are still collecting while everyone else is worried that they might not be able to pay their bills.

Come on people, surely you haven't lost every ounce of common sense you had and surely we are smart enough to know when we are being played by people we elected. Luckily, some people across the country are starting to wake up and realize that our own congress and heavy handed governors have the potential to be far more dangerous than any virus out there. They are protesting and demanding their constitutional rights, as they and their families rely on them being as essential as anyone else. How are government is handling these protests should be a wake up call to all of us. And here is a question, do you think any citizen of any "free" country ever deemed that their government would take over and they would lose their freedom, their rights and even their lives? Did it happen anyway? You all know the answer and THAT is what should scare you.

Guys, I am not saying that COVID-19 isn't real, isn't contagious and can't kill. However, so is the flu. So are diseases like Polio, mumps and measles that many "choose" not to vaccinate for. And yes, there will be deaths. There will always be deaths because.....people die. But as I said before, even more people may die because of lock-downs. Has it ever occurred to you that mental health crisis and suicides are on the rise during all of this? Addiction relapse is happening at an alarming rate and abuse in families is also rearing it's ugly head. People are losing their jobs, their businesses and in some cases they can't even go for a drive without police deeming them non-essential and arresting them for violating lock-downs. People are starting to feel the constraints of government controlled fear and they are dying or killing because mental health is getting dangerously low. Also the fear that many are carrying because of all of this....have you looked into the devastation that fear and stress can cause on someone's body? The stress from continued reminders by the media that we should be afraid can cause both mental and physical issues that can lead to life long health issues and yes....even death. And finally, what about those people who "follow the rules," and don't leave their homes. What do they do? Many lay around, eat, don't exercise and yes....are getting depressed? What do you think that is doing to peoples health and how many people are going to have life and health altering issues because of this?

Hero's don't run and American's don't hide. They never have. We are strong, we use common sense and we certainly don't play Chicken Little, and yet here we are. COVID-19 is not the first contagious and life threatening virus we have faced down in our history and it won't be the last. What it is though, is the first virus we have allowed to scare us into submission and have allowed to destroy our economy, our way of life and our mental health. And it is the first we are willing to hand over our free will and our constitutional rights for.

I for one am not afraid. I never have been. Yes, I might get it and yes.....I might even die from it, but if I die, I won't go out in fear, because I will know that my last days, weeks and months were not lived in fear. They were lived in strength and joy and I am pretty sure that my 1995 me and my 2001 me, would be very proud. Can you say the same?  I hope so, because too many right now are dying of fear.

COVID-19 The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

So.....COVID-19, also known as the Corona Virus. Hmmm...... As if 2020 hadn't already been enough of a shit show (for lack of a better term), with the whole "impeachment that never was," played out on every media outlet that ever was. Before we could take a breath, here comes C-19. And the hits just keep on coming.

It has been awhile since I have done a "good, bad and ugly" blog on a person, place or event, but after days of "containment" (yes, there are likely going to be a lot of " " in this piece), I decided that I either blogged my feelings or I explode. I went for the least messy route.....I think.

Tis' true. We had barely gotten through the whole "Pelosi implodes and Four More Years," situations, when along came C-19. At first people were just looking at it as the usual election year virus (look it up if you don't believe me), but then within a very short time, it became a history making, unprecedented event that will go down as the proverbial "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times," modern day melodrama.

COVID-19 began in China. It's origins were traced back to the Wuhan Market, where the lack of cleanliness and the choice in "delicacies" was less than palatable or healthy. Bats, dogs, cats and other assorted domestic and rodent type meats are the norm there and apparently knowing that these animals can carry diseases not healthy for humans is not a deterrent to the people.  For many there, C-19 proved fatal and it all linked back to the market...or so they say. Apparently I am the only one on the planet who questioned how a country that is so technologically forward would allow open markets such as this. Hmmmm.......

People were suddenly glued to their tvs and phones as they watched C-19 spread from China to Italy to Turkey and then eventually penetrate our borders through international flight and cruise ships. Closed borders were looking a lot better as this virus began working its way through our coastal states.

So what is C-19? It has been described as anywhere between a bad cold or a light flu, to a full on pneumonia and for the elderly, very young or those people with weakened immune systems, it can be fatal. According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), the symptoms of  the virus are fever, sore throat and coughing.  The reason C-19 seems to be so alarming is because it spreads so quickly and easily. The symptoms can appear 2-14 days from exposure. The reality is (if you do the research and don't just rely on the media for your info), there are 8 billion people in the world per Google. According to CNN, as of today 1.2 million people have tested positive world wide and 65,000 have died. What these numbers don't tell you is the number of cases that have not been reported and documented (because of course....they can't because they aren't testing everyone with symptoms) and of those, how many have survived. Comparatively, according to Contagion Live, the CDC has reported over 13 million cases of the flu in this flu season alone. The flu can also be fatal to the elderly, the very young or those with weakened immune systems and according to a 2017 report from the CDC, 291,000 to 646,000 people die yearly from the flu.....and yet C-19 has basically stopped life as we know it and is well on it's way to crippling what just a few weeks ago was a thriving and healthy economy. Anyone but me wondering why?

So those are the facts, but most don't do the research. They rely on a news media who has been caught time and again falsifying, withholding and totally abandoning the truth for both financial and political gain. Because of our devotion at the alter of a corrupt media, people with normal common sense have allowed themselves to become fearful and reactive. If you need proof of this, then let's wander back a few weeks during the "toilet paper, Clorox wipes" hoarding spree.

We had been warned for several weeks prior, that C-19 was on it's way and that precautions would likely be necessary. Precautions such as....washing your hands for at least 20 seconds multiple times per day, coughing into your sleeve, staying home if you didn't feel well and avoiding crowds. All perfectly rational and common sense things....that most everyone ignored.

When C-19 hit the states, the government apparently became alarmed, and suggested that if we were not feeling well or had been around those not feeling well, that we might self quarantine. Those words must have translated to the masses as, "Quick! Buy toilet paper and Clorox wipes. They will no longer make them and we are all gonna die if we don't have them." For some this also became a money making proposition, buying up baby formula, diapers, wipes and essentials that most households need to function. With dollar signs in their eyes, almost overnight ebay and marketplace sell sites had rolls of toilet paper going for $10 a pop and formula for as high at $150/canister. Fear and greed had taken the place of common sense.

Still, people roamed freely hoarding toilet paper by day and going to concerts, bars, restaurants and fighting crowds of people for more toilet paper by night. It was ridiculous and for those of us who refused to give into the fear and mass hysteria and only buy what we always bought and no more, we found ourselves shell shocked when we stepped into the grocery stores. It was as if we had walked into a post apocalyptic world where once fully stocked shelves were empty and people were wildly running up and down the aisles grabbing what was left just to fill their carts. All I could do was shake my head and go home. People seemed to have no understanding that all of these products were still being made, but in their frenzy, they have caused a demand that supply couldn't keep up with. Even online shopping dragged to a halt as many items were sold out across the country and in some cases, even world wide. And still with all of this, people coughed, sneezed and went out running fevers exposing the world to a multitude of germs. At least their bottoms were clean.....I hope. 

The government then started making self quarantining less of a suggestion and more of demand as they banned groups of 200 or more, then 50 or more, then 10 or more. Then real fear set in when our Spring Break turned into....."you will not return to finish the 2019-2020 school year." Never in my life time have I seen or heard of such a thing, and yet here we are. Graduating seniors have no end of school awards or graduation ceremonies. There was no basketball, track, soccer, baseball or any other spring and possibly summer sports. Kids are left to do distance learning and parents are left to make sure their kids do it so they can actually finish out their grade. Finally the governor told us that we could not congregate with six or more people and I began to worry who I was going to have to start kicking out of my house.

Ultimately, we were given a "Stay at Home," order and currently compliance has been about 30%. This is not totally the fault of the people though, as certain jobs have been deemed essential....medical staff, grocery clerks, truckers, restaurant employees, fire, police, EMS and the list goes on much further than you might imagine. It's hard to stay at home when you are deemed "essential." Thank God I am not!

Through all of this, I have watched wide eyed and a little lot disbelieving. I thought politics made people crazy, but this situation has by far surpassed crazy. When you have people in  abject fear of a situation, they begin to lose their ability to be rational and this makes people reactive instead of proactive. Of course with C-19, we left proactive on the side of the road a long time ago.

A few weeks back I was talking to one of Davids doctors and we were talking about David being in the hospital back in October. He had spiked a 105 temp and had a hacky cough. They tested him for numerous things (but not C-19 because it wasn't on our radar yet). They treated him with the usual high powered anti-biotics and after a five day stay in the hospital, he was released to go home with no real answers as to what caused it all. The doctor now believes that he and many others had C-19 before we even knew it was in the U.S. I stated this in a Facebook post I made, saying that I thought this might be the case for David. I had one, I am sure well meaning person, come back at me on how ignorant I was, thinking I could diagnose my son with C-19. She had no idea this wasn't "my" diagnosis or assertion. She is a very intelligent person so I was more than amazed and a little disappointed at her own ignorance. Again, though....I chalked it up to how crazy this virus has made us all.

Please don't get me wrong, I do see both sides of this situation. I understand the almost incapacitating fear of  something you can't see or control. None of us likes to feel powerless and when you fall into the category of very young, elderly or having a weakened immune system or you love someone that falls within these categories, the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. Sometimes you can't help but react or over react just to feel some control. Add to that the news media produces nothing but negativity and fear mongering and many can't help but be anxiety and stress ridden and angry at everyone who isn't, viewing them as uncaring, rebellious, dangerous even and definitely part of the problem. Truly, I get it, but I also know that fear is as debilitating as any virus and the toll it takes on our minds, bodies and souls is just as deadly.

I also see the other side. There are many who view this as a convenient solution to topple a healthy economy. They distrust (with good reason) our news media and they are sick and tired of the doom and gloom on social media. Their lives have been disrupted along with their income, livelihood and security and they look at the actual numbers and see a much different story than is being played out 24/7 on every channel and every outlet. Most feel that "normal" precautions should be taken and many have even settled into the thought that self containment for two weeks to a month is doable, but dammit....they need toilet paper too as well as their normal weekly groceries and they see no reason to give into mass fear.

As in most cases, I don't think either side is absolutely right and I don't think either side is absolutely wrong. I think if we all just took a breath, paid attention to the REAL numbers, turned off the tv, put down our phones and took normal precautions, we might all just see this in a different light. I know without a doubt that we will weather this storm, but what damage might we have already caused in the midst of this chaos. Perhaps we have shown the rest of the world, our enemies included, that a good portion of us are a reactive and at times irrational people. In 2019 and 2020 we have already set some pretty dangerous political precedence's and now we are setting some dangerous socio-economic ones too. How long will we hold onto this distancing and the stay at home orders? How many of our small businesses will go under and some of our big ones too? How is this going to effect education? How many kids will simply not go back to school after this? How many will be adversely affected due to parents that don't insist on them doing their schoolwork and oversee them doing it? How many jobs will be lost because businesses can't afford to rehire? How many people will lose their homes because eventually even if  given a grace period, they will be expected to pay with a non-existent paycheck from a non-existent job? We have virtually stopped and set back the greatest nation in the world and we have to ask ourselves....was it really necessary or was it merely a knee jerk reaction? OR....was it something that none of us can even imagine?

So as I promised, I have given you the bad and the ugly, but believe it or not....there is also some pretty extra-ordinary good.

At the end of 2019, going into the beginning of 2020, we were a social media, celebrity obsessed world. We were busy, distracted and often times rather than socialize...even with our own families we chose technology and we handed our kids over to social media and video games like sacrificial lambs. We were self possessed, self absorbed and narcissistic. We were a world where fame was not earned but handed out as a participation trophy to anybody on YouTube, talented or not. Truthfully, we were a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah in very many ways. Then C-19 happened and a lot changed.

I was brought up to believe that something good always comes out of something bad and this situation is no different. Because we have been forced to self quarantine into containment, we have also been forced to spend time with our families. We get to see the kids our teachers have to deal with daily. We have gotten to see who is really "essential" in our world and who is merely hot air and decoration.

Since this containment, I have seen more people out riding bikes, walking and finding creative ways to visit and communicate than I ever dreamed imaginable. Families are actually getting to know each other and to do things together like playing games, cooking, crafts and simply watching movies together.

People have had to slow down and some I have heard, have even slept in a time or two as time means very little when you have no place to be. Suddenly our time is our own and we are working in the yard or garden, reading that book we have wanted to read or simply actually talked on the phone to people. We are writing letters, cleaning out closets and binge watching shows. We are having family meals and sitting on the porch waving at our neighbors as they walk by.

Communities are changing it up too. Restaurants are closed to dining, but they have curb side delivery and people especially in smaller communities are doing their best to support these businesses and keep them financially viable. Churches, which are also closed are finding new ways to reach their congregations and you can find services from any denomination online day and night. We are taking care of our bodies and souls.

My community decided to help lift the confinement blues and started a long forgotten tradition of  "dragging." Back in the day, we used to drag Main and Second which were intersecting streets. It was usually for teenagers with cool cars and nothing to do on a Saturday night. Well, currently we all are "kids" with some form of car that has nothing to do on a Saturday night. So with radios blasting and a reason for the girls to wear make-up again, my town is doing a Saturday night drag. We are social distancing with style and whole lot of fun.

Yes, as bad as this whole C-19 has been, in some ways it has been a blessing. It has made us step back and look at our lives, really see our families and realize what we loved about growing up and giving a bit of that back to our kids and grand kids. It has made us realize who really keeps our country running in tough times and to appreciate them more. It has brought out kindness in many and shown that even some of our BIG companies have a heart. We have seen a positive side to our world, our country, our cities and our small towns. We have begun to come together and fill a divide in our country that politics had created. We realized that the virus and the fear that goes with it has no political affiliation and does not discriminate by color, creed, ethnicity or financial status. We truly are all in this together and how we handle ourselves during all of this will be our legacy and show our kids and grand kids both our strengths and our weaknesses in times of trouble.

Me personally? Well, it has brought me closer to my faith. Perhaps it has been a multitude of life's lessons, or faith alone, but I have felt no fear during all of this. Fear has no room for faith and faith no room for fear. I have struggled to remember that my faith alone cannot change the world, so I try hard to be kind to others and empathize with their fears. As I said though, I have struggled and there continue to be life lessons daily for me. I am far from perfect and I still have much left to learn.....in good times and bad. 

So there you have it. My "good, bad and ugly," of C-19. Please don't feel you have to agree and please feel free to agree if you like. This blog post was for me......I didn't want to explode. So until next time....stay safe, stay happy, stay healthy and most of all....let's all do our best to be kind.



   

Church Pew Confessions of an Un-cluttered Mind.....Leap of Faith

I fully intended to blog on this yesterday, but I opted for an all afternoon nap instead and truthfully.....I don't regret a second of it. That being said, my Sunday blog has now become my Monday blog and with that.....I hope you are not too confused.

So as I was sitting in church yesterday, once again I was trying to give my heart, my soul and my mind over to whatever God wanted me to hear. It was a little harder yesterday as I was really tired. It had been a long week and my mind was pretty much mush. I was actually worried that it would be one of those times where Mass would end and I would not even remember being there. Yes....I was that tired. 

As Father began his sermon, I had no actual hope that my eyes would stay open and that I might not be drooling and snoring before it was over. I prayed that God would not let me do that and that I would catch my second wind. Ask and you shall receive. Father was barely two sentences into his sermon when I heard the words, "Leap of Faith." It jolted me out of my almost dozing state and immediately, my mind was off and running. Of course Father tied it into the readings and also about a beloved local Bishop that had just passed away. I did listen to the entire sermon but the whole time my mind kept coming back to "Leap of Faith." It struck a chord.

I started going back in my mind to all the leaps of faith that I had taken in the last couple of decades. Some it seemed like an unseen hand pushed me into the leap and others were situational where I didn't seem to have much of a choice.

The definition of a leap of faith is: an act of believing in or attempting something whose existence or outcome cannot be proved. Many times a leap of faith is prompted by a desperate situation where believing and having faith in the unknown are the only choices we have. If you can't go backward and standing still isn't an option, sometimes jumping headlong into the unknown is all we have.

As I thought about this, I realized I did just this when Tim asked me to marry him and I was terrified of what the future might hold for me as a wife and mother. I did it again when Tim died and I was left raising the kids by myself and my only option was to keep moving forward. And of course, where David is concerned with surgeries and his health, many of those times have been nothing more than a huge leap of faith. There have been other times too and truthfully, not all have worked out the way I hoped they would, but there again, in a leap of faith, the outcome is not guaranteed. The "faith" part is that you know that no matter how it pans out, something positive comes from it. It always does. 

This last year I have been faced with several leaps of faith that I simply did not see coming. When I thought I might lose our home, it was a huge leap of faith to trust in myself, my community, complete strangers and most of all to hand it all over to God and not look back. That may have been the first time that I handed something to Him and then didn't try to play tug of war with Him when I thought my way might be better than His.

Since then, there have been some much less public leaps of faith that I have had to take. They were desperate situations in which I had no choice but to leap and have faith and hope that wherever I landed and whatever the outcome, that we would all end up in one piece. The verdict is still out as I am still leaping and doing my best to have faith that God has got this.

I was fully coherent as I listened to Father and thought, how profound that he would be saying exactly what I needed to hear. Or was it? Perhaps it was all part of a greater plan. At any rate, as I contemplated all of this leaping and faith, it occurred to me that each time I had to forge ahead into the unknown, that each time I came out stronger. Sometimes battered and bruised, but always stronger. Then looking back on this year, I realized that I had pretty much let go of all control and all illusions that I had of control over anything......situations, people and sometimes even my own life. In doing so and in letting go and letting God, I had actually witnessed some pretty astounding miracles and also, that I was changing in ways I never thought possible.

Letting go and leaping into faith has made me stronger in my faith and thus stronger in myself. It has helped me to learn what is important and what is not and to not fight the losing battles, but to put my time and talents into the things where they are best utilized. I have also learned to be kinder to myself and not to have unreasonable expectations of either myself or others. WOW! And I was worried I might fall asleep in Mass.

As Father finished his sermon, it occurred to me that there is so much that I can do that I have never done. I have lived a lot of life out of fear....fear of failing, fear of falling, fear of having no true faith. In some ways it has been debilitating and has stunted my desire to find out more about life and most of all, more about me. This was all quite the startling and enlightening revelation on a quiet Sunday morning.

Before Mass ended, I made a pact with myself and with God. Today is the first day of October and coincidentally also the first day of my birthday month.  I decided that I was going to give myself the greatest gift I ever could. Starting today, I am going to try and take a "leap of faith" everyday. Well, maybe they all won't be momentous, but they will all pull me out of my world of fear and allow me to live outside the little box that I have created for myself. Each day, I will attempt to do something that I have either feared or never attempted before. Most attempts will undoubtedly be small, but some may surprise us all. And each day, I will make the effort to take the leap of faith and turn it ALL over to God with the greatest sincerity and to do everything I can to leave it in His more than capable hands.

Yes, I am changing. I feel it in small ways and see it in my actions and reactions to most situations and to those in my world. I am learning to forgive both myself and others and I am giving myself the gift of kindness on those days that feel anything but kind. Today and for the rest of this month, I will not fall back. I will not stand still. I will however, move forward taking a giant Leap of Faith!

Peace and Purpose

So as I was sitting in church this morning and it occurred to me that taking an excursion through my brain right now, would not be for the weak of heart. Trying to focus on the peace and serenity of the moment was futile as my brain furiously raced from one thought to the next. "I must save David's home! How can I save David's home? God please help me! If you worry....why pray? I must give back! What can I do to give back? There are so many other people whose need is as urgent if not more so than mine. Oh Lord, how do you manage all the need? PLEASE GOD...I need a miracle!" Yeah, it was a chaotic mess of feelings, emotions and the world closing in all at once....and then....there was peace. 

As I sat there listening to the story of Jesus curing the leper, the true and complete knowledge that all things are possible through Christ, hit home. My manic brain was at rest and the clutter was parting ways. I looked around at my church and the many faces, some familiar, some new and I realized that this too was my home. The moment that thought hit me, then a new and more important thought hit. It was as if I knew that my situation was going to be absolutely fine. I was not alone and that through my own determination, the generosity of those around me and much much prayer....all would be fine. BUT this gift must be paid forward.

I have seen in my later years that kindness and generosity above all else are crucial in this world. When all you have to do is turn on the tv or surf the web to see ignorance, hate and selfishness and see what it is doing to not only our younger generations but our world in general it is pretty clear that something has to be done. For awhile now, I have been working on this in my own life and trying to encourage others to do the same. So how do I continue to do my best to spread kindness and pay forward the generosity that is being shown my family? It hit me in church like a ton of brick.

Not trying to leave you with a cliff hanger here, but until I have this fully formed in my head and know how I am going to proceed, I won't share the details. However, let it suffice to say that from this moment forward, everything in this process of saving David's home will be a learning experience, committed to memory and saved for a time when the lessons can be used to help others.

I know there are those who hate organized religion and that is their choice, but for me today was a game changer. Being in God's home was the first time that my brain wasn't plaguing me with the swarm of questions, frustrations, whatifs and yes....fears. I was given peace, my brain was decluttered and I may have just found some crucial purpose in all of this.

And yes, I ask you all to continue to pray for us as the time is growing shorter and this week is likely the week that we will get a lot of answers and clear cut plans. I ask you also to please keep sharing David's YouCaring page and his t-shirt page as we have an astronomical amount of money that has to be raised in a very short amount of time. Finally, I ask one other favor of all of you. This week, please go out there and do one small act of kindness in David's name. Something tells me that this might just be a game changer in our fight to Save Davids Home. Thank you in advance for your kindness.

#savedavidshome #fightfordavid