The Flipside

 

As I have gotten older, I have amassed some knowledge about life, memories, thoughts, and feelings. While some of these things may be universal, it also may be that some are just personal to me. One of the things I have really come to understand though is.....everything has a flipside, a positive and a negative, a good vs. evil. 

When speaking about memories, I think this is more universal. Often when we look back, depending on how our pasts unfolded, we seem to focus on just the positive or just the negative, especially the further away that past becomes. If we hold deep-seated anger about the past, then often, the negative is all we remember, whether the negative events happened only once or if they happened hundreds of times. The same holds true for the positive. Someone could have had a horrific childhood, but their memory of that time, could be wrapped around just one or two positive events and their brain has literally blocked out all of the negative. This is why two kids growing up in the same house, with the same parents, siblings, etc can have such different overall impressions of their pasts and wonder if they even grew up in the same house after all. 

I have been writing about my past and this very thought process has been making me think much harder about my past than I really care to, but if I am going to give a clear and accurate picture of things and how they made me, well.....me, then a little thought and introspection are necessary. 

After focusing on the "horrible house," and looking through some pictures, other memories began resurfacing. In all honesty, what I wrote about the house was absolutely accurate (as I remember it from my childish viewpoint), but as I was writing it, I was also feeling a lot of anger. In truth, it was not a good time in my young life, but it was also the beginning of all the issues that I would have with my dad for the rest of our time together. 

At the time I was writing about the horrible house, my brother was in the last days of his life and even though I was trying to deny the fact, my heart knew. There had been so much time missed between my brother and me for many reasons, but most of them boiled down to my dad and his constant pitting us against each other our entire lives. My emotions were getting big and my anger was simmering and because of this, I think my focus in the past was on the beginning of what in a lot of ways was the start of our unhealthy family dynamic and the slow and gradual destruction of my sibling relationship. 

So looking back, I have been trying to refocus my view during the time at that house and see if anything positive came from it. Wouldn't you know it, with my anger if not somewhat gone, then tightly held in check, there were other memories and today that is what this blog is about. It is to remind myself that no situation is all good or all bad. There is always a little of both sprinkled in. Sometimes when you are focused on the anger, the negativity weighs heavier on your memory than the positive, but if you look hard enough, the positive is always present in one way or another. In other words, to tell a fair and balanced story, you must be fair and balanced with the facts. 

When we moved into that house. The house with a brick-enclosed front patio, the fireplace, and the big backyard, I am not really sure what I thought. It was the first "house" that I had ever lived in and bonus, it wasn't just me and my mom. We now had Bob, my new dad. We were going to be a family. 

At my young age, I am not sure how much I knew or understood about the world, but I did realize that most kids, especially in that day and time, had both a mom and dad living with them, and now I was one of the normal kids. I now had it all. I had the house, the mom and dad, and I also had my new dad's extended family. Through this marital joining, I gained a grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, and cousin. Suddenly this little girl who had moved a lot and spent a great deal of time with babysitters had a real home and family complete with bonus members. 

My grandmother did not welcome me with open arms. Looking back, I think the reason was that my dad was a mama's boy and she saw my mom and by extension, me, as a threat or at the very least, competition for the attention of her son. My grandpa on the other hand was the most amazing man I have ever known. He was a big man, who by this time was retired from the railroad, and I loved him and he loved me, the first moment we met. I would follow him around his yard as he worked and puttered and he would tell me the most amazing stories of his life. I definitely won the jackpot with him. 

My new aunt (May) was a tough nut to crack or figure out. In all fairness, her husband (Eldrid) had mental health issues from his time in the war. He had been one of those who had been in the Bataan Death March. He had survived the grueling march and the horrific torture that went with it, but the price of serving his country and undergoing such gruesome conditions was to spend a great deal of the rest of his life, in and out of mental hospitals. May, for all intense purposes became a single mom, raising their daughter, all the while dealing with his erratic behavior and hospital stays. 

May was a true Oklahoma beauty, but the situation that the war left my uncle in, caused her to rebel, be angry and if my recollections are true, become a little unstable herself. Mom and I came into the family when things were really rough for May, and to her, I am sure we looked like competition for her parent's attention, especially me, as I was told by both her and my grandmother on more than one occasion that I was NOT a part of the family. Her daughter Nancy was the only granddaughter. 

May was an interesting person right up until her death. Eldrid on the other hand, was a kind man for all that he had gone through. I wasn't around him a lot, but I do remember when I was, he was so kind and nice to me. I really liked him and to this day I can remember him picking me up and feeling like I was so high in the air as he was about 6' 5".  The memory still makes me smile. 

Eldrid and May had one daughter. Nancy was about six years older than me. Until I came along, she was not only an only child at home but also an only child in the family. I changed that for her and for both of us, being cousins became a bonding experience. 

Nancy was a quiet girl, who was artistic and studious. She read a lot and stayed pretty much to herself. When I came into the picture, I gained not only another ally in the family but also someone who doted on me and actually enjoyed spending time with me. We had great adventures and she constantly gave me stuff that she had either outgrown (like her original Barbies, with clothes, cases, and a car) or things she had made. One time she constructed an entire village out of cardboard. I loved that village and played with it often. 

At my house, just across the street and back a ways was a creek. Nancy would come and take me walking and we go to that creek. We would walk for hours and Nancy would talk to me about the rocks, the plants, and the insects we ran into. We even found crawdads in the creek. It was always fun to be with Nancy and she never made me feel like I didn't belong. 

The horrible house also afforded me something that I had never had before. I had my own bedroom. During the day, I would play for hours with Barbies, my village, and all my toys. I had learned early on to not only play by myself but to also enjoy it. Don't get me wrong though, there were also friends. 

My neighborhood had a fair amount of kids, I am sure the fact that we lived within a block from a school helped that along. For some reason, neighborhood kids liked to come to my house and play. I remember one little girl in particular, whose name was Ann. 

Ann lived a block or so away and somehow she and I became friends. Ann was a tomboy who liked to climb trees and play in the mud, but she was also a quiet girl. She never went anywhere though, without her beautiful Collie dog named Bambi. Bambi was an amazing dog and very well-trained. My mom did not allow dogs in the house, so when Ann came over if we went inside, Bambi would lie down and wait at the front door until Ann came out and then the two of them were off again. At the time, Ann was about 5 or 6 years old and she traveled the neighborhood at will with Bambi. I later learned that the true story of Ann was that she was an only child and her mom was sick. I believe I heard that she had Multiple Sclerosis. Ann's parents had gotten Bambi for Ann as a playmate of sorts, but Bambi ended up being her companion, babysitter, and protector all in one. For all of Bambi's gentleness, I would have pitied anyone who ever tried to hurt Ann. 

The horrible house is where I became a big sister. When I was six, my brother Andy came into the world. As stated previously, Andy's first year was a tough one for both him and my mom, but as he grew, I was in love with him. He had a jump seat that Mom put in the kitchen doorway. Andy would jump and jump and then let out belly laughs. I loved his laugh and I would egg his jumping on. 

I also spent a great deal of time in our big empty living room/Andy's playroom with Andy. He knew how to make every inch of space count with his toys, and boy did he have toys, but his favorite toys were always boxes, plastic bowls, and kitchen utensils. Boxes fired his imagination, the kitchen utensils were usually used for drumming on anything that would make noise, and the plastic bowls were.....hats of course. Those bowls ignited and fed a lifelong love of hats for him. He was a goofy boy and I adored him. 

One of my favorite things about that house was its covered back patio. It sat right outside our sliding glass doors connected to our small dining area. We had a big redwood picnic table, and my dad's charcoal grill also sat out there, and there was still room for added furniture if we had any. I loved that patio because I was close to the door should I need to run in (yes, I had fears and phobias at that young age), but the patio was also my special play area. It was my castle, my playhouse, or anything I wanted it to be. I spent hours on that porch. My favorite times though, were when it rained. On rainy days, I would take a blanket out and climb up on the picnic table, cover-up, and watch the rain. It was so calming and peaceful and it cultivated the love of rain that I have to this day. 

In the brief times when my parents were under the same roof, we were very much that late 60s and early 70s stereotypical family. My dad was a Westerns fan and just about every night of the week, there was some form of Western TV show on, so after supper, we gathered in the den around our portable 18" black and white TV (portable meaning it was on a moveable stand) and we would watch Westerns....oh and Carol Burnett. 

In the summer, Dad hosted barbecues and our house would be full of people drinking and eating, and being loud. On the daily, we ate every meal as a family and breakfast was always a ritual. Every breakfast was two pieces of toast and either bacon or sausage. One piece of toast was eaten with either peanut butter and honey or sorghum, and the other was eaten wrapped around the bacon or sausage. The only other breakfast we ever ate was the very rare Ralston and rolled oats. It was some kind of hot breakfast cereal that as I recall was really good but I have no idea what Ralston even is or was. 

In the horrible house, there were good times, new times, and new beginnings. We had holidays and celebrations like my 7th birthday party. I had a few girls over and my mom went out of her way to make that day and that party special. It was. To this day, I remember my little white sleeveless dress, white go-go boots, and my long hair adorned with a top ponytail. I felt so pretty and so special that day. It was an unforgettable memory for me. 

So yeah, that house was horrible, but it was also a place where memories were made and my family was grown. There were days when I was truly happy because my world was small and it didn't take much for me to feel happy. There were also moments when I was scared, unhappy, and angry, but I went with the flow and didn't allow the bad times to shut out the good ones. 

Nothing is all black and white and nothing is all good or bad. There are shades in between that time and current emotions can fade. Perhaps that is why I am finding all of this to some extent quite healing. I am forcing myself to really think about and delve into my own memories. I of course am allowing the knee-jerk memories that easily pop to the surface, but I am also making myself go deeper. I am trying to step outside the memories of a little girl while trying to also think as an adult and to put myself into my parent's shoes. 

I am asking the hard questions about my parents that begin with "Why?" and end with "Who were these people and did I even really know them?" It is easy to lose track of the fact that our parents were human beings and had lives before we even came into the picture. 

Yeah, this whole process gets me up in my feels quite a lot, but it also is making who I am and why I am the way I am, somewhat clearer. 

Thank you for continuing on this journey with me. While I know my life is probably of no great interest to anyone but me, I hope though, that there are things that you as the reader might connect with in your own life. 

My greatest hope for writing all of this, is one, to leave something behind for my kids. My kids know "Mom", but they don't know me, and probably will have no real interest in knowing "me" until after I am gone, and then the questions that they wish they had asked start to surface. Second, I am writing this for myself. I am hoping to find glimpses of myself in these stories and maybe even be able to give myself some grace along the way, for my less-than-stellar life moments. And finally, I am hoping that maybe my story resonates with some of you. Perhaps my experiences are not too far off from some of your own and maybe there is something in my story that you will recognize and maybe even get some healing from.

So.....I think I have said just about all there is to say about the horrible house; the good, the bad, and the ugly. For now, that chapter is closed. 

Until next time.......

Something(s) Positive

Let's be honest. The last year or so has been a sh!t storm of epic proportions. It wasn't just politics, or riots, or police, or criminals or COVID. It was actually all of it wrapped so tightly together that we didn't have a chance to breathe or get our bearings. Things got so bad at times, that we would continue to look for the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, only to find that each light proved to be just another train, ready to run us down and turn us inside out. In fact, I think quite honestly, even the most positive people in this world had trouble seeing past all the negative and finding even the tiniest grains of positivity, but it was there. In fact, it was here right in my little town, and that is what I am focusing on today. 

I know some of you are popping your anti-anxiety pills, putting on your masks and covering your heads waiting for the other shoe to drop reading this and wondering what positivity I can possibly be referring to as gas prices are rising, unemployment is off the charts and COVID is still knocking at our doors, but trust me, it is there and has been all along. 

Last year, at just about this time, I went for a walk in my community. I was frustrated at the time, as Spring Break had turned into a homeschooling nightmare (for me anyway), and by this time, everyone in my house had been doing their part to flatten the curve for a couple of months. We were literally ready to kill each other as we couldn't walk into another room without tripping over something or someone. The 24/7 togetherness was starting to take its toll. I needed some alone time and some positive reinforcement, and walks in my town of Mulvane, KS, usually gave me both. As always, my little community did not disappoint. 

I honestly think that it was on this day, that I can pinpoint the turnaround in my attitude. Until then, I had been so inundated with basic math that was stumping me and a very social, special needs young man who was feeling anything but social or special, seeing only my face day after day. I was turning into a very unpleasant person. 

The news media and social media were even further driving my and everyone else's mood into the ground as they were effectively playing  Chicken Little 24 hours a day. Well, fine! If the sky was falling, then I was going to be outside when it happened. So I was off to enjoy my little piece of the world that always seemed to give me a sense of peace and belonging, even in the worst of times. 

As I began my walk, I expected to see bare streets and a bit of desolation as this is pretty much what the news media told us was expected of us and to be expected outside our locked down homes. Amazingly though, as I walked through the neighborhoods, I started seeing some really positive things. I saw parents were sitting together on front porches, watching their kids play in the yard, and as I walked by, they would smile and yell, "Hello!" People were also out working in their yards and flower beds. Again as I walked by, they would look up and nod a greeting. These little acts of friendliness and socialization, actually made my heart soar a bit. People had their windows open and you could catch wafts of dinner smells coming through screens and sounds of families talking, cooking, and interacting. It was actually comforting, if not surprising, to say the least.

Toys filled front yards and bikes lay across lawn after lawn. You could smell the delicious smell of hamburgers cooking on the grill and all over you could hear kids laughing and playing. Amazingly too, I was not the only one who seemed to be needing some exercise and some outdoor scenery. I passed literally dozens of people out doing just what I was doing. There were parents and kids out walking, couples out walking, people out walking their dogs, and several, who like me, were alone and seemed to be enjoying just a little "me" time. 

In the moment, it dawned on me, that I was seeing a lot of smiles. In front of me, were parents interacting with their kids, and kids who had put down the game controllers and traded them in for bikes, basketballs, and soccer balls. It was then, that I remembered one of my mom's favorite sayings, Something good comes out of everything bad. Perhaps what I was witnessing was the good. Truly, that walk changed my outlook on the world and the negativity that I had been feeling. In some ways, it was a permanent change that went straight into my heart and still remains with me to this day.  

I think that with all the fear, stress, and frustration we had all been feeling all the past months, among the weeds, some flowers were starting to bloom. Families were starting to do things together because many parents were working from home. Meals were eaten together as a family and family game nights were becoming a thing again. Most importantly, it appeared that parents were becoming more in tune with their kids. It was almost like we had chosen to leave a bit of the technological world behind and step back into a world where life was just a bit sweeter and a whole lot simpler.

People were also getting in touch with their creative side as graduations, weddings and parties, were either canceled or put on hold. Parents were finding ways to celebrate their kid's big days whether it was in their driveway with a few close family members and recording it for the rest of the world to see, or whether it was doing drive-by caravans with signs, whistles, and music. It was so out of the norm and unconventional that it was a hit and many kids were asking for similar celebrations even post COVID. Now that is saying something!!!!

Also, in my part of the world and possibly in others too, dragging main streets or popular streets used to be a religion for teens every Friday and Saturday night. It was something we looked forward to and it was simple and fun. Well, my town and many other towns like it,  brought it back. It was something that could be done while we followed the rules, social distanced, and had some much-needed fun, at the same time. Yes, we actually found a way to be out in the open and socialize and still social distance. It was great! It was amazing and it gave the younger generations a peek into what their parents and grandparents called "fun" back in the old days. 

As for me, I decided to start trying some new and different things in the kitchen. Through the help of YouTube, I learned to bake a pretty decent cookie (something I had always failed at before) as well as trying my hand at a little Asian and German cooking. I also became a pretty prolific bread and cinnamon roll baker. This explains a lot about my newfound need for the gym.  

While I was doing all of this, others had put their long days of flattening the curve through lockdown, into gardening and because people had so much time on their hands, 2020 seemed to be a pretty spectacular year for tomatoes, cucumbers, and other assorted veggies. Unfortunately for them but fortunately for me, many of these gardeners found themselves with a surplus of this healthy and mostly green stuff. Thus, I was blessed to be gifted with mounds of it, so what did I do? I canned all summer and I truly began enjoying it. We as a family were also able to spend a lot of time in the pool and yard and the kids spent almost every waking moment outside. All in all, we had probably the best summer we had had in years. 

Funny, when the CDC or authority figures tell us we can't or shouldn't do something, how it just makes it all that much more enticing. I took notice that kids seemed to put their video games and computers away and instead opted for bikes and skates and yes, they even found neighborhood friends to play baseball, kickball, and other almost forgotten outdoor activities with. I mean after all....they were outside! Even some pools were open (not our community pool, but others were) and many kids found a little normalcy spending time doing what kids have done in the summer for generations. I guess we were making lemonade out of the lemons of a tough situation.

Looking back on the last year, yes, there was a lot of negativity and in some ways, the world that we knew pre-COVID, has changed forever. The last 15 months has altered not only how we work and play, but also how we do business and even go to school. It has affected jobs, livelihoods, education, and even family dynamics. Some of this change may prove to be permanent, while other things have slowly started finding their way back to what seems a bit more normal.

Viewing this all from a place of positivity, perhaps parents being able to work from home isn't such a bad thing as in many cases it has brought families closer and made parents more aware of their kids' actions and interactions. Also, parents having a birdseye view of who their kids are as students and what our teachers face on the daily is definitely an eye-opening, if not always a positive thing. I am sure by now, few parents are saying "My kid would never." Now they are likely realizing that not only would their kid do it but in some cases, their kid would be organizing it. Yeah, teachers don't get paid enough. 

We also have gotten to have a front-row seat for the very worst in people, but also we got to see the very best in people too. We have been given a unique opportunity to understand what a gift front-line workers are to our communities and we have been able to see kindness grow from the most unexpected places. We have also learned that regardless of what the CDC or government tells us, that there is no such thing as a non-essential worker and that without all workers, businesses tend to fold up, crumble and become non-existent. We are ALL essential. 

So whether it was learning something new, spending more time with our families, or just having the vantage point of seeing the world through a different lens, COVID was not all bad. It appears to be one of those really sucky life lessons that we never wanted, but we really needed, in order to open our eyes about the world around us and the people in it. 

Since that walk on that one warm spring afternoon in my little town, I have been much less angry and much more understanding that the one thing that affected us all (COVID), did not affect us all in the same way.  Whether we chose to mask up, hunker down, and take our cues from the CDC or whether we chose to handle it in a different way, at the end of the day, it has changed us all. Let us hope that going forward, we take the lessons learned (whether universally or individually)and continue to make positive changes both in our lives and in our own piece of the world, because....."No event or situation is ever so bad if you learn something from it." Yes, another momism. Your welcome. 

So until next time, stay healthy, stay active, and most of all.....work to make your piece of the world a better place. 

I "Have" To vs I "Get" To

I read an interesting Facebook post yesterday. To paraphrase it, it said something about life and perception and how we needed to look at things in our lives as "I get to" instead of "I have to." Then a friend commented that maybe that is why adults lose their passion about things, because as kids, we see everything as an "I get to," but as adults when the realities of the world sneak in and we have to adult everyday, our passion gets lost in the day to day responsibilities of "I have to." 

Have you ever noticed that the really truly happy people in the world live in what seems to be an almost child-like state of freedom? It is as if everything they do is joyful and exciting for them. To the rest of the world this attitude can be viewed as silly, unrealistic and down right irritating, but I am beginning to realize that this is an "us" problem and not a "them" problem. I really think that maybe they are doing it right because they are still viewing life as "I get to." They are going after their dreams and living their passions each and everyday and they are no doubt grateful for the opportunity to do so. They are not merely seeing the world through rose colored glasses, but perhaps they are seeing the world as it was meant to be seen. I truly believe that the negativity and feeling of "I have to" is man made and man is his own worst enemy.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying throw your hands up to the sky and say, "That's it. I'm done adulting for the rest of my life." What I am saying though is that maybe if we looked at our lives as gifts to be grateful for and really stopped and thought about what we have maybe the "I have to's" would turn into more "I get to's." To see the world as, I get to go to work and provide for my family says a lot. It says first and foremost that I am blessed to have a family and I am blessed to have a job. Not everyone is lucky enough to have those things. Because I do, I have the opportunity each day to love that family to the best of my ability and to take care of that family. Looking at it through those eyes makes our lives look more like we are living out opportunity instead of merely necessity. With opportunity comes gratitude and appreciation. With necessity can come ingratitude and a lack of appreciation. And if you aren't grateful and appreciative, you lose your joy and your passion for everything.

There is a common belief out there that we create what we expect. If we expect nothing good and  we view life as constantly a bunch of "I have to's," then we create negativity and a feeling of drudgery in our lives that keeps us feeling down, frustrated and even can push us to feelings of true discontent and anger. It is almost a self-fulling prophecy. We expect the worst and we get it. On the other hand, if we view each day as a gift and each task as a positive challenge then we can create that too. We can keep alive that child-like excitement of life and possibly re-ignite old passions and maybe even find some new ones along the way.

Since 2019 is still in its infancy, perhaps this is the way we change our lives and shake things up a bit. As I have already stated this new year, I am not making resolutions because those are expectations and when they are not met, they can take on the negative connotation of failure. However, changing my perception could possibly be doable, especially if all it means is looking at the world with just the change of one word. I will change "have" to "get" and maybe that will help me to see each task differently. "I have to pay bills," says it is a necessity and possibly an unpleasant task. "I get to pay bills," says that I have a home, a vehicle, food, electricity and I am lucky. Not everyone has them. Perception is everything in this world and right or wrong, how we perceive things becomes our reality. If we perceive something as negative, it will surely become negative. If we perceive something as good and positive, then it will surely become good and positive. It is really just that simple.

So today, I get to write this blog and reignite my passion for blogging, being creative and all things writing. I also get to be a mother and a grandmother. I get to take care of my house, do my job, run my errands and at the end of the day, I will be grateful because I didn't have to do any of it. I got to do it and that's just pretty great.

Until next time........