Just Built Different

There is a mantra that those in their late teens, and early twenties like to currently throw around. It is, "Nah. I'm just built different." This last week and maybe for the last couple of decades, this seems to be a pretty good description of me, my life, and my view of the world. When I compare myself, from my beliefs to how I do things, sometimes even in my own home, I legitimately feel like I am a completely different being from most of those around me. 

Okay, maybe this sounds a bit dramatic, but the fact is, anymore when I give my opinion (solicited or otherwise), share my beliefs, or even when I just converse with others, it is very hard to wrap my head around the vast differences that become glaringly evident. Even when I really try to understand the thought processes of others, and how they might possibly get from point A to point Z in their beliefs, I am often left baffled and wondering if we are even living on the same planet. 

A perfect example of my "built different" theory is never more plain than when I see a "Karen" video or really any video where someone's first thought is to video rather than take action. I have no understanding of any person who makes it their mission in life to dominate, overtalk, or demand that others cater to their wants without regard for anyone else, or for those who just wish to dictate, direct, and decimate when things don't go their way. What is more, Karens are not limited nor is any one sex, ethnicity, country, or age group free from this diseased personality. My only question though is why? 

When did we as a world decide that we would allow another human being to stand in front of us and cuss us or anyone else out and do nothing more than pull out our phones and videotape? When did disrespect over a business's rules, a messed up fast food order, or someone taking a parking space, become acceptable behavior? When did businesses, airlines, and fast food workers decide that they can discriminate on any level for any reason and belittle, deny service, and spew hate to customers, not for business reasons such as theft or true abuse, but merely for personal reasons, such as complaining about bad service or a wrong order? Did we all lose our minds and forget that we are all human, we are all going through something, and that kindness goes a lot further than nastiness and egging on an already volatile situation? Also have businesses big and small, forgotten that customer service is a real thing and without customers, you have no business? 

When it comes to people who feel entitled to discriminate without reason, scream obscenities without a filter, and try to push their will and agenda ahead of others, I simply don't get it and I certainly don't get that to many, the first reaction to viewing one of these situations is to be pulling out a phone and capturing the moment on video. I am definitely built different. 

This also goes for seeing someone hurting someone else, either physically or verbally. My first reaction in such a situation is certainly not going to be to pull out my phone. My first reaction would be to step in and say or do something. In my humble opinion, many people who are the aggressors in these situations do it so openly for one basic reason. Because they can! They know that most people aren't going to do anything more than watch and record and they don't give two figs if their picture is posted all over YouTube and TikTok. In fact, for many of these narcissistic personalities, this is modern-day street cred. However, if someone steps up and steps in, often like most bullies, they will at the very least back off a bit, and sometimes, because they are confronted, will stop altogether. 

In this weird world and time we live in, we seem to forget the power that we actually hold in these situations. In many cases, all it takes is for one person to step up and that alone will break the grab my phone and video societal trance we seem to gravitate towards, and others too may follow suit and step up. There is strength in numbers, but even one person taking a stand against a bully or an abuser, can change the course of events and maybe even save someone. 

Here is the sad thing though. I said this exact same thing to someone the other day and they looked at me as if  I might need committal papers. I was told that you can't get involved with situations like this. It's too dangerous and it's not my business anyway. WTF??? First of all, it's no more dangerous for me than it is for the person being abused, and two, my involvement was forced the moment the abuse happened in front of me. What is wrong with people? Have we lost our sense of right and wrong and most of all, our humanity? Yep. I'm built different. 

Recently a poll was taken, asking moms if they would put their lives on the line for their kids and even willingly die for their kids in a desperate situation. Do you know that an astounding number of mothers had to think about this question before answering, and some even openly stated that they would not in fact put their children's lives above their own in a desperate situation. I was literally stunned. Now of course, none of us knows how we would actually react in a situation where life, death, and seconds counted, but I would really like to think that if my children, or any child for that matter, were involved,  I would put their lives above my own and do my best to make sure that they came out of the situation safely. To even question whether I would do everything I could to save them or not, is unbelievable to me.....so again.....built different. 

This last week, I had several people question my beliefs on and my handling of death. As many of you know, my brother passed away last week after a long battle with cancer. What I learned, or maybe already knew but the point was driven home further is that all deaths and grieving processes are not created equal. It is different losing a parent from a spouse or a child from a sibling. How they die, whether it is sudden or a prolonged process also affects how it is handled and processed, but one thing is definite, regardless of preparation, you never know how it will hit you until the moment it happens. 

The absolute sadness I felt as I stood there knowing that my brother was gone and that our last conversation, was indeed our last conversation and where we had left our relationship is where it would stay, hit me so profoundly that it was like getting sucker punched and having all the air leave my body. 

As siblings we had spent a lifetime of both closeness and estrangement and to my disbelief, my grief was questioned by a couple of people who were simply mere acquaintances and really didn't know either my brother or I. Luckily I am of an age that I felt no need to justify or explain my emotions, nor I am sure, could I, even if I had wanted to. My question though, who is so bereft of human compassion that they would feel that my grief was their business or their right to judge?

To further cause me to create an impassible boundary with non-essential humans in my life, my actions and reactions following my brother's death and about death, in general, were brought into question. The fact that I chose to remember humorous and funny moments and share them with a smile and even laughter was found suspect, as well as my belief that my brother and I have not said good-bye, but merely until we see each other again. This seems to have caused a bit of a stir among those who strongly believe that death is the end. It has even been suggested that I live in a delusional world of fairytales where I see death as a beginning and very much plan on seeing not only my brother but all I have lost, at some point in the future. 

To all of this though, I have to wonder, why does anyone care about my grief and how I handle it or my belief system where death is concerned? How does this become anyone else's business and why would anyone feel the need to chime in their unsolicited opinions about any of it? Why does any of it matter to anyone but me? I would never think it my business or my place to tell anyone how to grieve, how to process or how to believe in such a situation, and yet apparently people have gotten so comfortable in judging and throwing their opinions wherever they choose, that they feel it is their right and privilege to do so. NO! I am apparently just built different. 

Okay, so this was a bit all over the place, not unlike my emotions and the activity of this last week. Perhaps you will have to cut me some rather generous slack this week and try really hard to follow the dots that connect my own point A to point Z. I guess this is part of the joy of coming along for the ride in this blog. You are apparently going to get all the feels and messiness that go with it all. 

I have been in a weird place this last week and this is where I come to dump it all. Next time we will head back to the past again where I am a little more sure-footed and more pragmatic than emotional, but for today, the here and now is where my emotional wounds are oozing (sorry for the visual), and hopefully, the healing is just beginning.  And....if you have stuck with me through this entire ride, maybe like me, you are just built different too. 

Until next time........

So, I Think David Has Angels......

So tell me....what do you believe in? 

You are probably scratching your head and wondering just what I am talking about, because of course, this question could have a multitude of answers, depending on what I am referencing. So, what am I referencing? Do you believe in ghosts? The supernatural? Hauntings and all that hauntings may imply? 

Now I know that there are those who are Christian and those of other beliefs too that feel like any or all the above are verging on a walk on the dark side, which is a place none of us wants to be. Sometimes though, things come into our lives that make us literally have to question, and wonder what else is out there in the world. Is all that is unknown dark and evil, or is there simply more out there than we can possibly imagine? Is it possible to reconcile a faith-based life with the unexplained? 

Now for those of you just tuning in, or those that don't know me, I was born and raised Roman Catholic (yes, Catholics are Christians). I have a very definite belief in good and evil and I was brought up believing in heaven and hell. To this day, I am still a practicing Catholic and I still hold tight to my beliefs. 

If you are not familiar with Catholicism, let me bring you up to speed. Catholics brought you exorcisms (the banishing of demons or demonic possession from those who have been possessed) and we have a pretty definite line drawn in the sand about good vs. evil, so it should not come as a shock that I was brought up with the following beliefs. To give you the Cliffs Notes: you...say your prayers, go to Mass, pray your rosary every day, say your blessing at meals and thank God for your food,  read your bible, and most of all......don't play with ouija boards. While that last one should pertain to just about anyone, my mom was a particular stickler on ouija boards. 

This should all make sense in the fact that all you have to do is look around to know that there is true evil in the world and if you open yourself up to it, you may live or die to regret it. This is including but not limited to ghosts, demons, ouija boards (my mom REALLY hated them), seances, and fortune-tellers. Being the good Catholic girl that I am, I, for the most part, stick to these beliefs. I have no desire to know the future and while there are a few faces that have passed that I wouldn't mind seeing, I don't think I would actually do well having a real-world conversation with them. 

Where ghosts and demons are concerned, I am not much into horror, so I seldom watch or read about them, with the exception of reading about the Warrens. They do in fact fascinate me. As for ouija boards.....never in a thousand years. So with all these beliefs firmly in place, what happens when unexplained things happen that you can't deny and you can't really find a reason for? 

When I was very young, long before I was allowed to watch anything scary or even really knew about the world of scary and creepy, we lived in a house in Wichita, KS. It was an L-shaped ranch surrounded by a row of cedar trees. I hated this house as much as any four-year-old to seven-year-old could hate something. The house always made me feel creepy and certain rooms, including my own, really made me feel unsafe. At night I would go to bed and pull the covers completely over my head, no matter how hot it was. It always felt to me like someone was right beside me, breathing and watching me, and I was terrified each and every night. When I would tell my mom, she would tell me that I was being silly. Then I had a run-in with a Shadow Man that I had no idea was a Shadow Man. Not until I was an adult did I know what I saw that evening, but it left a lasting impression, and once again, my mother told me that I was being ridiculous. 

Once we left that house, I never feared the unknown or unseen again. I never felt a presence or felt unsafe around anything that wasn't definitely human. That however doesn't mean that I haven't experienced things. 

The house I currently live in is also the house I grew up in for the major part of my life. While nothing scary ever happened, we did have the occasional interior door fly open or jars mysteriously moving forward and falling off shelves (no earthquake involved), but it was not particularly frightening and I don't remember it ever even giving any of us the slightest sense of fear. 

When I was in my late teens, I did go through about a year of night terrors. It was a night after night occurrence where I would have dream paralysis over the absolute most horrid nightmares. Finally, I would come out of the paralysis and find myself screaming to the top of my lungs. My screams were loud enough to wake the dead and very definitely everyone in my house, and always my mom would nearly break her neck coming up the stairs to make sure I was okay. Once awake, I was fine, but it was a really long year for all of us. 

Nothing ever seemed to happen after that. At times I would have vivid dreams of people I had lost and dream I was having conversations with them, but even in the dreams, I knew they were leaving again, and so they were rather sad and surreal, but not scary. 

When I moved back into the house after my mom and husband died, I did notice some things with my youngest who at the time was a baby.  David always seemed to see someone or something that I couldn't. Often he would laugh and smile and coo while reaching beyond me. His focus was either above me or beside me and whatever he was looking at, always seemed to delight him. 

One night after an instance of him reaching and cooing for some unseen "thing" I had a dream that my mom was there. She was sitting on the bed talking to me and I told her about David and how he was acting. She just laughed and told me that David was seeing angels and that the angels had come to watch over him and play with him. I don't remember any more about the dream, but from that moment on, I too believed that it was probably angels he was playing with, or maybe even his daddy. Whatever or whoever it was though, it did not worry me or make me afraid. In fact, it gave me a certain sense of peace. 

So jump ahead to recently. David had a spine surgery a couple of years ago and prior to that surgery, his room was upstairs across from mine, but following the surgery, I moved him downstairs. His room is now the room that was my mom's. I have always had an audio monitor so that I could hear him at night, but it eventually died, so about three months ago, I purchased a camera monitor that has both audio and video for his room. It is connected to my phone and I can keep an eye on him all night. 

One of the first nights I had it hooked up, I noticed that there were orbs in the air. They weren't constant, but sporadic. I kind of cringed thinking that it was dust in the air or on the camera lens. I figured it was time for a really thorough house cleaning, so I cleaned like it was my job and I cleaned everything including the camera. That same night, I noticed orbs flying for about ten minutes or so, and then nothing. During that ten minutes though, David was staring off where one orb, in particular, seemed to have been. He kept smiling and reaching out, very reminiscent of when he was a baby. I could also hear him quietly making an "oooooh" noise. I thought I had left his tv on, but when I went downstairs, it was off. Hmmm.

The next day, I spent literally two hours trying to recreate the orbs with dust. I trickled dust across the lens, flipped dust into the air and literally turned on the fan, and blew dust. The dust didn't really create orbs. What came from the dust was more like little floating spots. I was both stumped and sneezing by the time I was finished. The experiment seemed to prove futile, so I did not really think much more about it after that. 

From time to time, I would still see the orbs here and there, and a couple of more times, I saw David act like he was interacting with something or someone, but it didn't worry me. In fact, as crazy as I can get about things, it didn't give me any negative vibes at all. 

Then about a week ago, I was laying in bed, and David was downstairs asleep. I happened to look at my phone and on the picture, David's room was literally alive with orbs. Without exaggeration, there were so many that on film, they seemed to be lighting up his room. What was really strange though was, the mini blind hanging on the window above his head. The window faces a dark alley and the window was shut. Suddenly, I started to see the blind roll as if into humps, something a mini blind cannot do. It can go back and forth if the wind catches it or up and down if pulled, but it cannot move in a rolling motion, but his was and then as I watched, about twenty orbs popped out of the blind and moved in all different directions and then the blind was still. It was at that moment that I decided I should hit record on the video. I recorded two full minutes of orbs going up the wall and down the wall and up towards the ceiling. Most were leaving a misty trail behind as they flew by. As this happened, David slept peacefully, with no movement or stress.

To see two-minute video of orbs flying, click here. 

This video did not stress me or worry me as I didn't feel anything negative about it. I knew what I thought it was, but still, it intrigued me, and I was curious as to what others might think was going on, so I posted it to my hometown Facebook page and to my own personal Facebook page. As you can imagine, the comments started rolling in. Some felt it was dust or dust mites, others said bugs on the camera lens, and others also saw orbs. Many were fascinated by the mist that seemed to be left behind by the orbs and someone else commented that most of the orbs seemed to be of mostly the same size and shape, which they felt would rule out dust or bugs as few dust particles or bugs are the same size and shape. Regardless of the opinions on what they were, most seemed fascinated by them, and some even watched the video frame by frame to see if anything else might have been captured. 

About an hour later, I looked at my phone again. The orb activity had appeared to stop, which I found peculiar if it were dust or dust mites, so I decided to take another video. This time I recorded it for only one minute as nothing appeared to be going on and I was pretty sure nobody wanted to watch David sleep for another minute. I also posted this second video and no one seemed to have an explanation how all my dust, dust mites, and bugs had suddenly just stopped moving when the conditions in the room had remained the same. 

Watching the second video back though, I did see something a bit unusual. About 20 seconds in, in the corner, just above David's bed, I saw a burst of sparkly light that seemed to explode and dissipate almost like a firework. I have a feeling I know who that sparkly little firecracker was. 

One-minute video with no orbs.

After watching the video's I believe that what I was seeing were angels. Perhaps David's guardian angel felt lonely or maybe they were there because, in that period of time, David needed them. Maybe though, like many times before, they were just there to play. At any rate, though, they seem to give David no stress and I felt nothing negative while watching them. 

So what does all of this mean and how does this align with my beliefs? In my way of thinking, it means that there is far more to this world than we know and that since David and I have not brought on or invited any evil into our world, like as not, there is nothing evil in any of this. Now the Shadow Man? I think that had far more to do with that house we lived in than it did with me. I think that just being as young and impressionable as I was, I was just sensitive to whatever ugly was in that house. These orbs though are something different and I believe they/it align with my beliefs just fine. 

If you are religious or spiritual at all, then you know there are angels around us all the time, and many of those poor angels have saved our behinds on more than one occasion. So who is to say that from time to time they don't just show themselves (as orbs or whatever they choose) and remind us that they do in fact exist and that they are in fact with us....all the time? 

So yeah, I think David has angels, and you know what? I am just fine with that.

Until next time.....follow your heart, follow your beliefs, and....... never doubt the existence of angels.