Can You Say....Same Sex Marriage Manipulation?

So this week I wasn't sure whether to be amused, appalled or completely insulted as I watched Mr. Obama make his speech about same-sex marriage. I could actually only watch a brief bit of it as apparently my son David is not an Obama supporter and he screamed and cried until I turned the TV back to Spongebob. And there you have it....apparently at my house we would likely vote for Spongebob as president over the other possible candidates...that is if he were running! Fortunately, Spongebob is too smart for any of that....but I once again digress.

Mr. O's new found love for the gay community has been all over the news, the web, facebook and the streets. Halleluiah....the president loves the gays! To that I have to say....REALLY????? As I asked on facebook...has anyone looked at a calendar recently? That's right it's election thirty and Mr. O is campaigning his hind quarters off. Thus we have our new found administrative love affair with all things gay including same sex marriage. Does anyone else smell a manipulative rat???? How is it that in 2008 this same man claimed his belief was that marriage was defined by a man and a woman and when don't ask don't tell first came up.....Mr. O didn't want to talk about it and skirted the issue for as long as he could. Suddenly though...half way through an election year, he is now a full on supporter of gay marriage. Hmmmm! Sounds awfully coincidental to me.

Two things come to mind with all of this. First of all....if this is an actual 360 switch then who else but me is scared? After all...we are talking about someone who holds the highest office in the country and he is THAT wishy washy. I mean really....support gay marriage or don't support gay marriage but for pete sake pick a side and don't wait until it is time to try and get re-elected to start waving your rainbow flag. That kind of reeks of desperation...and if this man is this indecisive about such a huge issue that effects so many people....then what else is he going to take back? It is not his first indecisive stand and it should make us all wonder about his qualifications and how he will be if this country ever really needs a leader.

The other thing that comes to mind and this is what I think is closer to what is actually going on is.....Mr. O needs votes! How do you get votes? Make someone happy and they will like you. If they like you...they will more than likely vote for you. It is simple grade school playground dynamics. The gay vote is a big one and many have been fighting for the right to marry for a very long time. Now they are backed by the president! Or are they? I can't help but wonder if anyone but myself sees the manipulation here. Why isn't the gay community furious? Why aren't they insulted beyond belief? These people have fought for years for this and now it is being used as a bribe. Mr. O obviously thinks these people are not smart enough to see what he is doing which is a slap in the face to the community as a whole and to the efforts they have made thus far. And is anyone worried that since this man is so wishy washy that if he found he could get a bigger vote by not supporting them he might change his mind on the subject yet again? If we have learned anything from his four years in office it is that nothing is impossible if you choose to make your own rules!

I will be honest here....since obviously the president isn't. I really don't know where I stand on gay marriage. I believe I lean toward the fact that love is love and finding true love with whoever you find it with is wonderful and should be celebrated. Many will be angry with my saying this and tell me that the bible condemns homosexuality and gay marriage. Maybe it does...but this is where I personally stand on the subject. I was brought up in a small community where homosexuality was looked on as bad, a sin and even a disease. Still....I grew up with kids that where gay and their lives were miserable because they had to spend their time trying to be something they were not. They had to be the vision of "normal" that society believed in and not who they really were. This damaged a lot of lives and even entire families. What I took from all of this is: Why would anyone choose to be gay in a world where they are humiliated, ridiculed and ostracized? They wouldn't. It is not a choice. It is the way God (my God) made them.That being said...I don't want to know what anyone else does in the privacy of their own home. I don't want to see half naked people tossing their sexuality (gay or straight) in my face while marching down a street. I find it much easier to accept that which is not shoved down my throat and/or forced on me. Basically....I won't shove my heterosexuality (and all that implies) in your face if you keep your homosexuality (and all that implies) out of mine.

And as for my thinking on the morality and the religious connotations of all of this....I follow the Ten Commandments. They were put forth by God and given to Moses. They are timeless and fit into any society. They speak of lying, killing and coveting....but no where does it say you should not love because of sex, color or creed. And if we are going back to the bible and picking out bits and pieces that suit our beliefs...how about we go to 1 Corinthians 13:13 Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love. It doesn't give criteria for love....it just says "love!" 

So my final thoughts? If you believe in same sex marriage and you have fought for it...then be leery. Be very leery. What is being offered by Mr. O is not camaraderie or acceptance. What is being offered is manipulation and with this administration....that which is given can obviously be just as quickly taken away. Please remember that come November.

Ode to a New Bed

My back is sore
My neck is tight
I can't do this
Not one more night
The head is achy
The shoulders in pain
Another night on that mattress
and I'll be sporting a cane.
Yeah...I'm dragging it out
My poetry head
Because in case you're wondering.....
I need a new bed!

Sorry folks...that's all I got today! :)

The Cheating Game

The other day when I put a call out for blog ideas I received ideas not only from facebook and the blog comments but I also got a few fb messages and an email or two. Some were silly, some were off the cuff and some where a little more serious. So far...I have decided to do all that have been offered. I am really wanting to stretch my ability to write on a multitude of subjects and today's is quite the subject. I am going to write about one of the more serious topics offered me. I received an email on this topic and I found the email to be every bit as interesting as the topic. I chose this topic as it is one that I myself have had experience with, both growing up and in my adult life and I found the content of the email intriguing. Before I begin...here is an excerpt from said email:


"Please use 'cheating' as one of your topics......... I don't know why people cheat. I have seen it happen to many of my friends but I was really shocked when it happened to us. My relationship is not perfect but then whose is? It has lasted many years tho and I do not now or have I ever regretted my choice in choosing who I am spending my life with. Things are really good for us except for the fact that there is cheating going on. It has been going on for many years and it is now a cycle that seems to be uncapable of breaking. I think we both know what is going on and I think we both know that the other knows. It is unspoken so far but I feel that one day it will all come out and our lives will crumble. We have kids and I know our kids think we are one of the few in tact families still around. I will tell you that I know the cheating has not occurred with only one person. It is not a "love affair" situation. That is why I am confused. There have been numerous affairs over the years and there has been no time table for when they happen or when they end. There have even been overlapping affairs and funny enough we have been able to maintain love and respect for each other through it all. This is assuming that we both know what I think we both know and that what I think we both know is happening. Okay any way, could you please tell me what you think about all of this? Could you please tell me how you feel about cheating? I am not looking for you to fix this only to put it into perspective. Maybe we will both read this together and it will open up a conversation. Please though tell me how you feel about cheating and at the same time you can use it as one of your topics."

Wow! Intriguing....right? First let me say that I do not know the person that emailed me this. I don't even think they live in my part of the country and if I did know them....I would not be using it as a topic. Second let me say that I am not a therapist, an expert or anything close to either of those things. I am simply a woman with an opinion and that emailer and anyone else who reads this is how I am writing this. That...and it is interesting subject matter and I would like to hear other opinions too. So please feel free to comment.


Let me just say right up front......I have no idea why people cheat. I assume that there are as many reasons for cheating as there are people doing it. My first thought would be that somewhere deep inside there is unhappiness. Perhaps they married or got into a relationship too early, maybe one or both of the people in the couple changes over time or maybe they just fall out of love. To me I always thought that cheating was the beginning of the end for a relationship...in today's world though and possibly even in times gone by...if the cheater is good with spreading themselves around and the one being cheated on is okay with living in denial....then the status quo seems to continue on with neither party ever rocking the boat. I guess that is okay for some, but I could not and would not do it.

The emailer made the statement "There have even been overlapping affairs and funny enough we have been able to maintain love and respect for each other through it all." As I read this I had to question that statement. They have been able to maintain love and respect for each other through it all? How is that possible? How do you love and respect someone and then cheat on them? And it doesn't sound as if it was once, but many times over.  How do you take from the person you are bound to and give someone else that intimacy and parts of yourself that only your spouse/significant other should have and still claim respect for them? In my opinion (and that is what you are asking for) that shows no respect. In fact...it shows such a lack of respect for your spouse, your relationship, your family, the person you are cheating with and most of all....yourself.

As I said...there are probably a zillion reason why someone chooses to cheat. I am also sure that there are bad marriages, open unhappiness and family issues that cause cheating, but does that justify the situation? I know too that in the new modern world....cheating happens often. I know that people even have marriages/relationships where cheating is built in, but knowing a little about human nature...I don't know how it ever works. Humans are jealous and territorial by nature and cheating always leads to destruction. Men and women may like to play the field but in most cases if the cheater found out that his/her spouse was also cheating....that simply wouldn't fly. It would be a blow to pride, self esteem and the relationship as a whole. Few cheaters feel that what is good for goose is also good for the gander. 

My suspicion is that there is more going on in this relationship and in most cheating relationships than anyone wants to admit. I totally believe that some who cheat do not see their intimacy with someone outside their relationship as loving or lasting....but merely an act in the moment. It is more a bodily function than a deeply intimate tie. Unfortunately for most of these individuals neither their partner in the relationship nor the one they are cheating with sees their intimacy in the same way. Because of this it is double whammy to the cheater if they get caught because ultimately they have hurt not one but two individuals with this act that can be called nothing less than selfish.

I also question where a cheaters head is at when they have children and cheat. If you are married and cheat and get caught, what does that do to the kids? Even if the marriage makes it through the cheating...what kind of an example is being set? Do we really want to teach our kids that cheating is okay or that being cheated on is acceptable treatment in a relationship? Do we really want them to think that breaking a trust in such a huge way should be easily forgiven and that the one cheated on somehow deserves the disrespect? These are the things that mold young people and set the path for how they will treat others in the future. The cheater is also risking their relationship with their kids when this happens as often kids remain loyal to the parent who was cheated on and seldom the cheater.

In case you haven't figure it out and are wondering...I am not a fan of cheating. I have been cheated on and trust me...coming from that place...cheating sucks! Feeling as if your best was not good enough for someone and knowing that they loved and respected you so little that they could treat your relationship like that is a difficult blow to overcome. And no...I did not stick around to be hurt again.

All this being said...I don't live inside this couples relationship or anyone elses for that matter. I don't know what goes on and as I said before...I don't know why people cheat. All I do know is that cheating is never good for anyone involved and cheaters almost always get caught. In the end someone always gets hurt and you have to ask if the fallout is really worth the game?! So emailer...here is my blog and thank you for the topic.

Are Obese Women Lazy?

When you have been gone for awhile and then come home....it is nice to know you were missed. That is how I felt after yesterdays comments on my blog. Thank you for letting me know I still have readers..... although my poor blog has been shoved to the wayside for so long. It made me smile. Between the blog comments and the facebook comments....I got some awesome ideas. Some will flow like water and others will take some time and research but all so far will be turned into blogs in the very near future.

While all were interesting...one in particular peeked my interest. It was put as a question. Are obese women lazy? That was the "ouch" heard round the world! But if you think about it...what a great question and what an even better way to shed some light on an issue and  get rid of some prejudice and maybe even some stereo typing. So here goes.

When I was younger (a lot younger) obesity was not as prevalent as it is today. In fact growing up...I knew very few obese kids or adults. I do believe this was in part due to the fact that both kids and adults had a less sedentary life. TV had three channels and the shows weren't all that great. There were no video games or home computers and people got up and did "things" for entertainment. Families bowled, miniature golfed and stayed active outdoors. Fast food wasn't on every corner and diets consisted more of home cooking than quick processed cooking. People were more active and I think they ate better. That being said....I still know that there were people who struggled with weight issues. Not lazy people...just normal people who simply weren't as lucky as the rest of the world.

I remember one individual in particular. At the time...this person was the heaviest person I knew. While many who were called "fat" years ago would be considered a healthy weight or a few extra pounds today...this person was obese even by today's standards. For being obese though...this person was extremely active. They danced (beautifully), bowled, swam and were always on the go. I knew this person fairly well and I was around when they ate on numerous occasions. Never did I see them eat second or third helpings but looking back...their food choices were not really stellar. They ate fast food (what was available at the time) and went for the sugary soda's and larger size meals.  I would say food choices were this persons issue and not laziness at all.

Now moving ahead to today. I am no longer a size 6 myself and I am not alone. Many of the women I know are in the same boat as I and yet I don't think there is a lazy one in the bunch. While I can't speak for them....I can say that my weight gain started after my last son was born. My body refused to cooperate and heal which eventually led me to having a hysterectomy. This threw my body into a tail spin. About the same time this was going on...my thyroid decided to slow down and between the two...my metabolism all but shut down. Add to all of this the fact that I was going through having a special needs child under a year old, losing my husband and losing my mother all in the same 24 month period....and I ended up with my body being both mentally and physically in turmoil.

Between the thyroid issue and the hysterectomy....I felt awful most of the time. I never quit (I had three kids at home) but what I could do lessened a great deal. My energy was zero and anything I ate seemed to turn to fat. Because I was exhausted all the time I didn't eat healthy meals and a great deal of fast and processed food became the norm at my house. It took me several years to get my hormones and my thyroid under control. By that time.....I wasn't 20 anymore and the weight didn't just fall off my body. On the contrary. It put down roots and decided it was going to stay....and multiply!

I may not dig ditches or bail hay, but I am far from lazy. My days start some times as early as 5 a.m. and often don't end until as late as 11 p.m. There are days when my rear end does not touch a seat until well after 5 p.m. My days are filled with laundry, house cleaning, taking care of David (which requires a lot of lifting) and a million other things that mothers do. Often at night my sleep is sketchy because I am up with David or waking up because I think I hear David. If activity alone was what kept a person thin....then I would be a size 2. In fact though...it isn't.

What I have learned through the years is that in order to not necessarily stay "skinny" but to stay healthy...there has to be a balance. Laziness seldom figures into a heavy woman's issues. First of all....a healthy diet with little or no fast or processed food is a big step in the right direction. Getting fruits, veggies, protein and the right amount of fats and carbs are essential. Eating regularly......often five small meals a day is important. Many of us women who hold the weight...(because we are the opposite of lazy) make a crucial mistake. We get so busy that often we forget to eat. When you are young and your metabolism burns like rocket fuel...if you forget to eat....the weight just falls from your body. However, as we grow older and our metabolism slows to a snails pace...then if we forget to eat our body goes into starvation mode. Our body tells our brain that we may not get another meal and our brain then turns around and tells our body to start storing fat in case this happens. This is why  regular eating is so important to keep our body metabolizing properly and therefore not sending it into starvation mode.

Another key component is exercise...both cardio and weights. This is where a lot of us women hurt ourselves. Because we lead such busy lives and have ourselves booked and double booked throughout the day....most of us just don't exercise. When you are busy doing for your husband, your kids, your parents, work, the school and all the other people and things you have to crowd into your life.....your needs often fall to the wayside. How do you add an extra 30 minutes to an hour to an already overfilled day? Without exercise though....we take years off our lives. We set ourselves up not only for obesity but also heart disease, stroke, cancer, osteoporosis and diabetes. By finding that extra hour 3-5 times a week though....we strengthen our bones and all our muscles including the heart, we take off extra weight and we speed up the slowing metabolism. We gain stamina and flexibility and in turn reverse some of the damage that our prior bad habits have caused.

Other things can lead to weight gain and obesity in women too. It is not all bad food choices and lack of exercise. As we get older sometimes our aging bodies require medicines that our younger bodies did not. Many medicines have nasty side effects such as hunger and a slowing of our already slow metabolism. Genes also play a part in weight gain with age. Sometimes we just lose out in the "great gene" department. These things make it even harder for women to obtain or maintain a healthy weight.

So do I think that obese women are lazy? As a rule....absolutely not! I think we could all stand to make better food choices and find those minutes to exercise, but obesity has many causes and seldom does a person gain a large amount of weight overnight. It usually takes a woman years of being so busy taking care of others and forgetting to take care of herself, physical issues, meds and bad food choices to become obese. It is not a case of one day she just sits down on the couch with bon bons and a TV remote and never moves again!

So for anyone out there who has the idea that obesity=laziness, try a little less judgment and a little more understanding. I am not saying there aren't people out there who are both obese and lazy....I am just saying that the two don't always walk hand in hand.

Change Afoot

Yes...I have brushed off the dust and removed the cobwebs from this blog....and I am back. I have been spending a great deal of time at Life With the Incredible Mr. David and documenting Davids experiences having cerebral palsy, having surgery and his adventure into hopefully a new world of independence and mobility! It has been exhausting, rewarding and amazing all at the same time, but he is doing well and while I will vacation over there from time to time.....this blog is my home and it is good to be back!

My experiences in the last few months have brought on new and different changes within me. Many factors in my life have influenced who I am and where I am and more importantly...where I am currently headed, but none quite as directly as my last few weeks with David. It has been a huge climb with lots of hurdles and at times.....ground lost, but ultimately with the grace of God...a new and better life for David.

In some ways, reaching these hurdles and ultimately clearing them has had personal rewards for me that I never dreamed possible. While I have no idea what the next few months will involve...I do know that I think I might finally have decided what I want to be when I grow up! I think I would really love to be a creative writing teacher!!!! Yes...this means I would have to finish my degree and the teaching world ain't (have to change my slang too) easy, but of all the things I have ever done outside raising my children.....teaching creative writing at Butler on the free college days has been one of the most fun and rewarding. I literally find that to be one of the high points of my year. I plan on going down and checking out what I have left to do to get my degree and start making plans to get where I need to be.

In the process of all of this...I have hinted around to a writer friend of mine that this might be a direction I was possibly going in. This friends words to me....."If this is your path....then write! Write often and write about many differing subjects. Write about things you know and things you have to research! Write with joy and write with passion! Otherwise...you can't teach what you don't know and aren't passionate about." It all made sense but was also a little daunting. Basically...if I want to shape writers....I have to be in good writing shape myself. This is why I came home. 

I posted on facebook today that I need subjects. If I choose my own then there is too much chance I will short myself on some real interesting stuff that I simply wouldn't come up with on my own. If I have different people with different outlooks and ideas give me topics...then I will be more apt to stretch myself which will hone some of those dormant writing skills and hopefully make my blog a little more interesting to my readers. Feel free to throw in some ideas here  in the comments. I will consider any legitimate topic as I am trying to continually shove down my walls and think and write outside my safe and self-contained box.

So now you are up-to-date about how things are in Lisaland. There is yet again...change afoot. It is opening up new thoughts, ideas and hopefully someday in the not so distant future....new doors of opportunity. If we don't dare to dream, to change and to move ahead....then we are bound to remain in the abyss of what might have been. (and yes...you can quote me on that!)

The Basket is Seeping

I debated which blog to blog on today....either mine or David's but because my life and David's life are so tightly intertwined lately and because I have so much catching up to do....I opted for this one. It has been ages since I last posted and since I just taught my yearly free college day "Creative Writing and Blogging" course this last Saturday, I decided I better get back on the horse and practice what I preach. So.....here I am.

Life continues to speed by with barely a chance to catch my breath. In the last two years I thought I was busy taking care of the house, the boys and working. The truth is....I had no idea what busy was until I no longer had a job away from home and started working at home. Partly it is because there is no time clock here with definite "working" hours. My time clock now starts the second my eyes open and is often still ticking up until 10 or 11 at night. Much of this never ending work day is due to the fact that I am on both an emotional and physical time crunch due to David's up coming surgery. There is an ever growing list of things that must be accomplished in order to be ready for this surgery....along with cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids and baking and delivering "lots" of cheesecakes. So far (for the most part) I have kept my head above water and the rapid pace of life has helped me not to dwell on or even think much at all about the details of the impending surgery. I have also been very happy of late. I have accomplished more in the last couple of months than I had in the prior six months. It is a good feeling.

Last week though.....things started to unravel a bit for me. Because I am going at break neck speeds from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed, when I do sleep.....it is not always restful and when I get up....I am not always as alert as I need to be. I find myself having to check and double check things I do from making sure I haven't missed any cheesecake orders to making sure I am getting David's daily meds laid out correctly. I described to someone the other day that my brain is like a basket that has been overfilled. When you get to a certain point...things start falling out and slipping through the cracks and that is kind of where I am. As I said...last week kind of had me hitting some rough spots.

The closer David's surgery gets, the more knotted my stomach gets. It is the not knowing and the not feeling like I am completely prepared. Balancing that with all the day to day things I need to accomplish is alot to deal with...so I have little room and even less patience when things unexpectedly get thrown at me. Z has been having health issues for awhile now....most centering around his stomach. Now I myself from time to time have thought some of his issues were brought on by stress. Lets face it....the kid has had a steady diet of stress since he was five so it only makes sense. In the last year his symptoms have gotten worse and he has been diagnosed with abdominal migraines and what they felt was "likely" an ulcer. These diagnosis basically came to be when three separate doctors had ruled everything else out. The diagnosis was great but saying there is a problem without fixing it really does very little to help the situation. So we continued on. Finally....Wednesday while I was fighting with insurance, case workers and trying to deliver cheesecakes.....all while feeling as if someone had run over me with a truck.....I get a call from school that Z is having some very serious stomach issues that had to be addressed immediately. I had to rearrange delivery schedules and shut down the insurance company conversation and run Z to the doctor. Immediately they felt that this was something that needed further investigation so they set him up with a gastrointestinal doctor that same day. I was told that if I was a minute late that he would not be seen. Since I had about a two hour window before that appointment....I thought I would have plenty of time to deliver the cheesecakes that I had promised earlier and still make the appointment. In theory it should have worked easily....but the basket was overflowing and things were steadily seeping out the cracks.

I had three separate orders to deliver and they were all within a short distance of each other. It should have been a piece of cake, but my brain and my emotions were on over load. I over thought the whole process and ended up getting lost not once but twice. In the process my road rage kicked in (don't cut me off when I am lost), I was worried about Z and right there on Central in Wichita.....I had a melt down. I screamed, I yelled and used words that would have made a sailor blush. Poor Z just sat there (being as he had no escape from the situation) and let me rant. Once I pulled myself together and was more than a little embarrassed over my out burst....we made it to his appointment with less than a minute to spare. While waiting for the doctor to come in I sheepishly apologized to Z for having to witness the insanity which has become his mothers life....and then he reminded me of why I am so blessed to call him son. He looked at me and said "I have no idea what you are talking about," and changed the subject. What an awesome kid!

Following his apparent amnesia over my mental instability.....the doctor walked in and informed us that she felt a colonoscopy and endoscopic procedure were necessary. WHAT??? I hadn't planned on him having to have one of those for several more decades. It was felt though that this was the best way to see what was actually going on with him. All I could think was....another medical procedure....more waiting.....what new speed bump? The basket was seeping fast! Luckily they could get him in Friday and so they sent us home with prep instructions and a whole new list of possible outcomes to worry about.

Friday came fast and after the unpleasantness of the prep...the test was quickly and skillfully executed by the doctor and I barely got through a chapter of my Valerie Bertinelli biography before she (the doctor) was giving me the findings complete with pictures. Z has an infection in his colon....apparently there for quite some time and causing ulcers. This apparently explains a lot the last couple of years. They sent biopsy's of the colon off for pathology and hopefully today or tomorrow we will have the complete picture and then she will proceed with treatment (likely antibiotics) and soon he should be feeling like a new man. Prayers were definitely answered as I prayed like a fiend for those 48 hours, that God was not giving me more of what He felt I could handle. Perhaps He was peeking during my little meltdown and realized I was at my breaking point.

I am running on a short fuse right now and in the midst of all of this while telling a couple of key people who "had" to be informed of the upcoming test....I was given a bit of bludgeoning that I really wasn't expecting (although...I probably should have). The first one took the opportunity  to go back over the past let me know that I had "never" allowed Z to be a kid. I was told that he was way to involved with David's life and that my actions were the cause of Z's stomach issues. They were just sure that Z's issues were stress due to the fact that in their opinion....I had not been the "mother I should have been" all these years and that he had never been able to have fun or be a kid. There were other things said that made the conversation even more fun...but the gist of it all was that I was a horrible mother. The second conversation was just as fun....but in reverse. The second individual felt that I "allowed" Z to do way too much. I was way too "permissive" and because he was always running with friends, having parties and involved in music and theater that he was overdoing and I was not being the parent I should be by allowing all of this "nonsense!" The family support I get is often amazing (and not necessarily in a good way!) So I am doing it all wrong! Big shock! Perhaps if these youngsters had come with owners manuals.......but I digress! After giving it some thought though....maybe there is a grain of truth in what they say. I probably don't get it right much of the time, but it is not for the lack of trying and they like me are probably more than a little stressed over the upcoming surgery. So maybe that day...we all got it wrong! Who knows?!

And so the surgery. We maybe flying out as soon as this time next week. It will either be Monday or Tuesday and then we will be on the road to a different life for us all. I find it an amazing blessing that I have been so incredibly busy during all of this. The time has flown and I have had zero time to think....let alone worry about the down side to all of this. I have an extremely fertile imagination and it takes nothing for it to walk on the dark and negative side of things....so uber busyness has been a good thing. This weekend though....even through the hecticness of life....the thoughts have started creeping in. I am scared! I have not voiced those words before and yet they are the essence of how I feel right now. I have no doubt that David will be in the best hands and that the surgery will go as planned.....although the thought of that little guy having to endure the surgery and then the pain is almost unbearable for me. Knowing that for some time to come he won't be able to move about the house as he pleases or follow me from room to room brings tears to my eyes. Feeling as if his laughter and happy sounds are going to be replaced with frustration and tears turns my stomach inside out and makes me almost go weak in the knees. Other than the melt down the other day I have remained emotionless on this whole thing. I have not allowed myself to think too much, feel too much or research too much of anything about this process. I am so afraid that if I did....the realization that in some very large part....David and I are alone in all of this would become very overwhelming. When David was born and his life was in such a precarious state.....I swore to him and God and anyone else who would listen that I would give him everything in this life. I would give him every opportunity and chance and that I would protect him from all the bad stuff. So far his life has been a whole lot of bad stuff and his chances and opportunities have all been achieved because of his own inner strength and his constant desire to fight his way through the toughest situations...and here we go again. More bad stuff that he is going to have to fight his way out of.

Don't get me wrong. I still feel so blessed that Shriner's came along and that David has this opportunity. I was warned from the get go that the journey would be very hard but the destination well worth it. I also know that even as stressful as the last couple of months have been.....this has been the easy part. The hard part is just on the other side of that door and next Wednesday....that door will swing open. I can't even imagine the road that is ahead and I really can't even prepare David for what is in store. All I can really do at this point is....pray. I pray for an easy and successful surgery, little pain, a quick recovery and the ability to hold it together through it all. Perhaps it is no accident that the week prior to his surgery is Holy Week and perhaps this week I too will be carrying my own cross of fear, worry and self doubt. It all seems a bit overwhelming.

Okay...so I have shared my fear(s). Life goes on. Whatever is suppose to happen...will happen and we will have to go through what we have to go through....to get to where we need to be. I guess it is time to clean, bake, fight with insurance companies and get my day started. I am okay. I am still happier than I have been in ages and I have faith that all will be fine. David is a strong young man and because of that....I too will be strong for him.

Perfection

It's Sunday and as with most Sunday's my mind is fragmented into many different thoughts....so I hope you will forgive this blog and whatever tangent it takes off on!!!

This last week was a crazy busy one where I felt I gained some ground (I made more cheesecakes than I can count and made it to the gym twice!!!!) and I lost a little ground...(I didn't get accomplished everything I would have like to have and I lagged a little). All in all though....it was another great week and these positive emotions continue to rise in me. I think they are called true happiness....but it is still too early to call. 

I know there has been a major break through in my attitude as it was put to the test this week. Someone close to me told me their thoughts on the lack of God and used David to site this belief. At the moment I was truly upset and angry that someone (someone close to me especially) would see David and his different abilities as a reason to discount the existence of God or a Higher Power. It is always a blow to me that David could be seen as anything other than the as close to perfect being that he is and was created to be. David has been the cause of more smiles, more laughs and more joy in his 11 years than some 9 times his age ever are responsible for. David is smart and funny and definitely has a mind of his own. What he lacks in perceived human perfection he has multitudes of in actual human achievement. He has beat the odds over and over again and still comes out ahead of the game every time. To see David as anything less than a wonderful little man with a beautiful soul and an ornery sense of self is disheartening. And to further use this skewed vision of David as an excuse to deny God.....well it is nothing but BULL!

Of course I put my two cents in and let them know that of all things....David is one of the huge reasons I DO believe in God. David has been a miracle since his conception and every breath, every milestone and every smile has been evidence that not only is there a God but He is a God who sees us all as perfection. Imperfection is a human word....bred by humans, perpetuated by humans and unfortunately used against God. God gives this world Davids in the hope that they will be the miracle that turns someone around, to show us the love that is in someone so pure of heart and to hopefully teach us kindness, gentleness and the ability to see God's finest works here on earth.

Perception is everything. This whole conversation told me that the issue was not with God at all...but with human perception and this individuals perception of David was not of a strong fighter who has and will always beat the odds. They don't see David as special in an extraordinary way...they see him as special in a sad, not quite good enough way. They see him as less and therefore treat him as such instead of realizing that he has skills and abilities that they will never begin to see or themselves achieve because they choose to focus on the unimportant instead of the things that really matter.

My anger ended the moment that I realized how sad their life must be to have to use David to back up their own negative beliefs. Their belief or lack there of in God or a Higher Power is theirs to have and theirs to reconcile in this life and the next. I only wish that their convictions on their beliefs were strong enough not to have to use my child as a poster child when he is nothing but an obvious almost perfect being created by a definite Higher Power. It ended there. I forgave and moved on which is something that this imperfect being has a lot of trouble with.

I also did a lot of thinking this week about two stars who left this earth in the last weeks. The first star was Whitney Houston. If you were alive and coherent in the 80's and early 90's you knew who Whitney was. When she first started her career....she was stunning. She was the girl-next-door wrapped in a quiet sexiness with the voice of an angel. She was a definite men wanted her and girls wanted to be her story. Out of the gate....it seemed that there was nothing that this talented young woman couldn't conquer if she wanted to....and it was true.....to a point.

After success in music and movies.....her demon's began to show themselves. Whether it was the pitfalls of success or some deep place of unhappiness....Whitney found herself self medicating and soon fighting an addiction she simply couldn't conquer. For years we watched her struggle to regain the voice and the talent that seemed to be waning with every binge. Eventually though....the addictions won and Whitney lost. Her death made the airwaves like all unexpected deaths do. But was it? Was it really unexpected? As I said....we had watched her fall apart right before our very eyes for years and how much abuse can a body take? Should we have been that shocked?

I was sad to hear of Whitney's passing. Mostly I was sad for what might have been. Yes....we lost a talent, but honestly.....we lost that years ago. What we truly lost was a shell of her former self who still hadn't been able to climb out of her addiction. Sadly...for two weeks though....her death was still touted in the media almost above the trouble in Iran. She was headline news and honestly the fan fair was neither warranted nor did it do her justice. In fact it was so much that people were literally getting sick of hearing the name Whitney Houston. It was overkill with every detail of her personal life both positive and negative being aired out for the world to see. Not a good way to leave this world or to be remembered in it. RIP Whitney. I hear heaven has no paparazzi.

Then this week....we lost another great. He didn't have Whitney's media play nor her dirty laundry (although I am sure his life wasn't quite squeaky clean) but in the 1960's and early 70's Davy Jones could definitely have rivaled Whitney for a place in pop culture. Davy Jones became known to most of us as one of the crazy, zany Monkees that we watched every Saturday morning. They were an American version of the Beatles....although Davy was very British himself. He was short, cute and had a voice that girls swooned to. (Yes....I said swooned!) Even after the Monkees, when he made his famous appearance on the Brady Bunch and took Marsha to the prom...his good looks and British charm still had hearts a flutter.

In the 80's when retro bands where making a comeback and the Monkees (at least most of the Monkees) did a revival tour.....the young girls of the 60's who were now the housewives of the 80's flocked in droves to see the Monkees and yes....get their Davy fix. Even as he aged he was still handsome and could make the ladies swoon. I always hoped that they would be making their way back to Kansas again (I missed them their first time around) and that I too could bask in the glow of Davy, but sadly.....that was not to be. Last week he was found dead after having a massive heart attack in his sleep. Albeit not a horrible way to go....in your sleep, it was a way too early end (he was only 66) to an era. Never again would we hear him sing "Cheer up Sleepy Jean" or "I Wanna Be Free" nor would we hear the Monkees as a complete band singing "Pleasant Valley Sunday" or "Take a Giant Step." I was really sad.

On the reporting of his death....there was no dirty laundry. There was no incessant media coverage where we had to watch his body being taken from his home or commentators speculating on "why" he had his heart attack. We would not be waiting for toxicology reports or debate his life endlessly and dessimate anything private so that his family would have to suffer further. There were simply fans looking up his music and sharing it on facebook and twitter and reminiscence of old shows and concerts. It was a fitting end to a 60's icon.

Yep two very different endings to two very different lives. Life is not perfect. People are not perfect and to judge perfection with human frailties is extremely faulty thinking.