Friday, December 31, 2010
Another year is at its end. WOW! This year came and went with the speed of an Indy Racer. Years are tending to do this more frequently the older I get. I have told people for several years now that my life only has two specific times of year....summer and Christmas. Those are the only two times in my year that seem to catch my attention and make me feel as if the year hasn't completely bull dozed me over.
I have heard so many people this year say they can't wait for 2010 to end. For many it has been a year of loss, financial insecurity, heartache, and just down right unpleasantness. I myself have lived through most of those, but if people are honest....no devastating act happens without blessings also being involved. My mom always used to tell me....something good always comes out of everything bad, and you know.....as usual....she was right.
This year (as in most years I guess) has been a bag of mixed blessings. The hard things and the sad things that I went through seem to jump out when I think of this year. I have truly struggled financially, but the first part of the year for me was a doozie. Not a night did I go to bed and not wonder if I was going to be able to make ends not even meet....but at least arrive in the same vicinity of each other from week to week.
I grieved the loss of my older son. He was not dead, but he was no longer a part of our lives. He had chosen a life of drugs that I could not save him from. I had to let go and let God...and as any mother knows....that is the most difficult thing in life to do where your children are concerned.
I watched my youngest fight a nasty battle with seizures and spent a great deal of my summer in either the ER or the hospital with him. I spent many an hour praying for an answer and a solution and had to come to the realization that this might very well be our lives for a long time to come...if not permanently.
I had to stand back and watched friends, family and friends who were as close as family suffer. I watched several friends find lumps in their breast and suffer through first the not knowing and then later for some.....the knowing. You pray for them and try to be there for them....but always in the back of your mind you know that the next lump found might be yours.
I became very attached emotionally through fb to a little cousin whom I have never met. He battled a fairly rare form of brain cancer for not the first time....but the second time. At four he put up a brave battle and thanks to his mother and grandma.....those who knew and loved him and those who only knew of him and grew to love him got to be apart of this special young mans life. When his mother posted news of his death.....I cried. It was not just a few tears here and there....it was a flood gate of tears let loose that I had not cried in years. The sadness I felt was almost unbearable at that moment....and yet nothing compared to what his parents and brother must have been going through. It was a moment I will never forget.
I watched several friends struggle in relationships. The upheaval of years, mistakes, misunderstandings and miscommunication toook its toll and caused in some cases.....unfixable divides.
The worst situation which I had to stand by and feel helpless in, was the loss of a woman who in many ways had been a surrogate mother to me over the years. Her children were my dearest friends and over a period of months I watched worry and sadness, sometimes even anger and frustration creep into their faces and hearts as their mother didn't recover from a surgery she should have easily come back from. She grew increasingly week, ill and immobile and they ended up losing her on Thanksgiving and having to spend their first Christmas ever without her. Watching their pain, mixed with my own emotions over the loss of yet another person I loved did not make for an easy holiday season for anyone involved.
In my home we dealt with mono, the worst case of the flu any of us had had in years, growing pains, high school angst, young love, family tiffs, a horrendous checking account error, an oven door falling off, a ceiling leak, and all the other day to day minor catastrophe's that happen in the place that I fondly call....Lisaland. On the surface....who could blame me for wanting to escort 2010 out in a rush with the hopes that 2011 had something much better to offer?
The truth is....there is two sides to every coin (another of my mom's favorite sayings). The financial worries and miscalculated bank funds were definitely no fun, but the upside was I had a dear friend step in and help me sort out the financial mess. Together we got it all down on paper and got headed in the right direction to fix that which felt unfixable. I was also presented with a job opportunity which worked around sick kids, trips to the ER/hospital, and other varied family crisis. It got me out of the house on a daily basis and introduced me to a wonderful boss and co-workers. It was a true blessing. Then there was the surprise of my cheesecakes becoming a small business of sorts. Thanks to my family and close friends who were already occasional customers spreading the word about my cheesecakes....and a couple of Facebook posts about my making cheesecakes.....the next thing I knew I was actually making quite a few cheesecakes. Then a wonderful friend put a good word in for me and my cheesecakes at a local restaurant and before I knew it....."they" were ordering from me. It was simply amazing!
Speaking of amazing and friends......I have many amazing friends in my life. This year I have been blessed beyond words. I have a friend who has become my cheesecake biz savior. He has made me a website (www.thecheesecakechick.biz), sent me tools and supplies to help the marketing end and who has spread the word far and wide about my cheesecakes. I have another set of friends who knew that the computer I was using was on its last leg. Suddenly out of the blue.....I was blessed with a new computer delivered to my home. Again....the word amazing comes to mind.
Then there was that little financial checking account error I have referred to. It is amazing what the misplacement of a zero or two can do to cause a ripple effect of bank charges and overdrafts. That and forgetting to pay a bill because your son is in the hospital and then getting your power turned off and a $150 charge to get it turned back on....on top of the bill that was owed.....well that can make you want to run screaming into traffic. However.....I have some very awesome friends who went out of their way to take up a collection for me and make sure all was taken care of. Some of these friends I have never even met face to face....only through Facebook.....but they were generous beyond words and their generosity will never be forgotten.
Finally in the friend department.....there are those who are just always there. There is the one who fixed my bathroom ceiling when the leak ruined it and who always comes when I need him whether it be a house repair, a new counter top, or to move something in or out of my house. The two who always have my back....regardless of what I do or how I do it; the one who showed up at the hospital not once but twice at a moments notice to make sure I wasn't alone; the one who dropped everything to pick us up from the hospital when we didn't have the car; the one who fixed my unfixable oven door; the one who fixed my mower; the one who tried to fix my other mower; the ones who built me a ramp so David could get easily in and out of the house; the one who takes such wonderful care of David after school; the one who doesn't live close....but always seems to be there when I need him; the ones who live in TX and I miss on a daily basis; and finally all those who pray for me when I need it and laugh and joke with me when I need that too. Yes....in the friend department....I am so blessed.
In many other ways....2010 has had it's positives. David has had a wonderful school year so far and is progressing beautifully. Zachary was in his first high school musical. I got to sit in the audience and watch my son do something he loved. Then I got to turn around and watch him preform his first solo on stage. It was wonderful and made my heart sore. I was so proud.
I was finally able to mend fences with my older son and watch him start to turn his life around. I was also to a point where I was able to take the relationship with him in baby steps and not throw my whole heart under the bus at once.
I joined both Weight Watchers and a gym. As of today I have lost 25 lbs. and my blood pressure and cholesterol are both perfect.
I made new friends this year, reconnected with old friends and became closer to those in my life who are always there.
Finally I realized just the other day that as 2010 leaves me.....so does a pretty rough decade in my life. It was the year 2000 that David was born prematurely, 2001 that my dear husband Tim died, and 2002 that I lost my wonderful mother. The years since haven't been much to brag about either. So maybe.....it is time for a new decade.....and with it.....some joy, laughter, love and peace.
Someone asked me the other day what my new years resolution for 2011 is. I jokingly said...."to stay out of ER's and hospitals!" I think though....my resolution for 2011 is.....to be happy! Maybe that is a resolution that I won't break.
So to all my family and friends and to all those who read my blog......I wish you all much laughter, much love and great peace in 2011!
Happy New Year to all!
Posted by Cmom at 1:10 PM
Friday, November 12, 2010
I spoke to a friend this morning who is pulling her hair out. She is a woman who is mid 40's and never once had anything wrong with her. In fact...she comes from a family of 12 kids who have remained basically healthy their entire lives. But being in her 40's and going back to school in the medical profession and seeing that bad things (sickness, ER visits, and disease) often happen to good people....she decided she needed health insurance. Sounds easy...right? WRONG! The hoops this girl has jumped through just to get covered have been ridiculous and as of 9 a.m. this morning....she still was uncovered and mad as a hornet (which will not be good for those who have to come in contact with her today.)
So why all the struggle to get insurance? Good question. This woman is smack in the middle of her target weight range, exercises, takes care of herself, has never had more than a passing virus, has no family history of cancer or any other diseases and has no vices such as smoking or drugs. With this kind of history you would think the insurance industry would not only insure her but also put her face on all their advertising as the poster child for all that is good in the insurance industry. But alas....that is not the case. You see.....in the past she worked for a large company (who did insure her) and she did all the preventative things she was suppose to such as yearly pap smears and mammograms. And lucky her.....somewhere down the line she had a suspicious pap smear which on further investigation was nothing.....and a questionable mammogram which turned out to be a shadow in the film not on her breast. However.....these two tests now make her too high risk to insure. WTF!!! Pardon my french.....but are these guys crazy???? And she has not been turned down by just one insurance company....or even two, but she has been turned down by three.
In all three cases she has talked not only to the company itself but also to the underwriter. In no case do the individuals she speaks to seem to have read her files past the point where it says suspicious pap smear or questionable mammogram. Apparently their eyes are not capable of reading on and finding out what the conclusion of those tests were....because she has had to explain herself and her results over and over again...each time to a different individual.
My friend.....frustrated to her very core....finally asked the last insurance company she talked to a very honest question. She said..."I have absolutely nothing wrong with me and no family history to be concerned about. If "I" am too high risk to insure....then who the heck are you willing to insure?" Of course she got only mutterings and then silence to that question. And here she sits....still "uninsured!"
Okay people....I get the fact that insurance companies are running scared in light of the current administration and the proposed changes to health care and the insurance industry, but these changes have become necessary due in part to the very insurance companies who are now running scared. By these very actions...what message is being sent?
It appears to me that we are being told that having mammograms, pap smears and other possible life saving preventative tests may come back to bite us in the proverbial rear end if at any time those tests come back questionable.....even if they turn out to be nothing. Is that going to cause people to be less vigilant about their health because at some point a shadow caused from developing a film may keep them from getting insurance? Are we really being punished because we go the extra mile to prevent life threatening disease by yearly testing? Do you know how many women I know (myself included) who have had a pap smear come back questionable or a mammogram come back suspicious both which require further testing.... only to find out that it was nothing? Does this make us ALL uninsurable if God forbid something happens and we lose our insurance and then at some point need to be reinsured? Apparently so!
So now my friend sits....without insurance because she is (I guess) too healthy to insure. What a ridiculous world we live in.
Posted by Cmom at 3:56 PM
Monday, October 18, 2010
This morning.....as I was struggling to get kids dressed and out the door along with myself and doing those last minute things I needed to do which I should have done yesterday but didn't.....I heard a little voice in my head mutter something unpleasant about having to get up and go to work on Monday (and yes....I hear little voices in my head from time to time....don't judge me!) At any rate...it immediately put me in an unhappy mind set as I headed off to start another week.
As I was driving though the little voice continued to whine an complain about having to get up, having to get dressed and having to go to work. Finally.....another voice appeared....obviously agitated by the first ones incessant negative droning and said...."would you prefer the alternative?" Now I am not sure if the second voice meant the alternative to being able to wake up......or the alternative to having a job....but whatever it meant...it got me to thinking. What did I really have to be negative about? I actually did wake up today and I actually have clean clothes to put on and a job to go to. So what was I really complaining about?
It seems to me....that too often many of us complain about the minor stuff, the stuff we should many times actually be grateful for. Why? Maybe habit. Maybe because we seem to live in a negative world at times....or more than likely....we are simply spoiled, a bit selfish, and we all feel a bit entitled from time to time. If the world doesn't go our way....we complain. It's as simple as that! We are all guilty of it....myself included, but do we ever stop and think where our complaining, negativity and unhappiness with things that we should often be grateful for might lead us?
Yes....I am going somewhere with this.....just be patient. In recent weeks....one of the big aircraft plants in Wichita has had rumors flying about them packing up their plane parts and moving out of state. In fact...the state of LA has been tempting the plane maker with tax breaks and land incentives. The city of Wichita and the state of KS not to be outdone.....countered LA's offer with one of their own. The company agreed to stay in Wichita with the stipulation that the newest labor contract passed and with the understanding that about 1/3 of the current employees would likely be seeing lay offs. Whew....sigh of relief as 2/3 of the workers get to keep their jobs and the Wichita economy doesn't completely tank. Or so we thought!
Last week the new contract was put on the table. Now common sense told everyone that this contract was not going to be great.....but it would keep people working and keep the economy going. It had a 10% pay cut and increased insurance premiums among other less than exciting features....but a majority of the workers would get to keep their jobs. It was a game of give and take. Obviously a game that 55% of the union workers didn't want to play.
When the vote came in......over half voted to turn down the contract. I have to say.....I was astounded. Now I know that no one wants to take a pay cut and that paying more for insurance is no treat either, but as the little voice in my head asked "would you prefer the alternative?" In this case the alternative could have disastrous results.....not just for 1/3 of the current employees....but disastrous for the other 2/3's also, not to mention Wichita and the surrounding communities and the economy in general. These workers were grumbling over a pay cut and an insurance increase.....like I was grumbling over Monday. Perhaps instead of looking at what they could lose by the new contract.....maybe they should have looked at what they could keep. Their jobs to start with!
While I understand completely not wanting to lose out financially.....in this case.....those who voted "no" to the contract may very well have done more than lose a few dollars an hour per paycheck.....they may also end up losing their jobs, their cars, their homes, and their financial futures. Another thought too is that many whose jobs could potentially be lost by the vote are hourly employees with only a high school eduction. Thrown back into the work force jobs paying as much as they would have made with the contract wage cut will be few and far between. These folks will either have to further their education or settle for jobs paying much less than they are used to.
I realize that to many there was a principle involved, but your principles don't feed you or keep a roof over your head. This could also cause a trickle down effect....causing small machine shops to lose business, lay off employees or even close altogether. The economy will also suffer with loss of dollars, house foreclosure and repossessions. What was starting to look and feel like an economic comeback could now be the beginning of another recession. Perhaps they will find out the hard way....that rather than grumbling.....maybe they just should have been grateful. But then again....what do I know?
After traveling through this maze of thought....and finally quieting the conversation in my head.....I realized that waking up on a Monday is not such a bad thing. Heck.....in fact waking up any day is a wonderful thing. Having a roof over my head, a car to drive, food on the table and clothes on my back....are also pretty awesome things....and finally.....having a job in an economy where jobs just may get a whole lot more scarce....well that is just nothing to whine about at all. So maybe next time the voice in my head tells me to whine.....I will remember that other voice and ask myself..."would you prefer the alternative?"
Posted by Cmom at 5:11 PM
Sunday, October 10, 2010
It was small....only about 900 sq. ft., but the day my husband and I first laid eyes on it....we knew it was more than enough for us....and everything we needed, wanted and dreamed of. We had been living in Wichita and both of us wanted out. So moving south...we decided on Derby. It was out of Wichita and both close and far enough from my home town of Mulvane.....to be comfortable.
We actually were looking at the rental across the street when the landlords who were redoing our soon to be house came over and asked if we would like to see inside. In 900 sq. ft. were 3 bedrooms, 1 bath, a living room, kitchen, and a laundry space hidden by sliding doors. It was a alive with people installing new carpet, wallpaper, paint and appliances. It was a post WWII house with huge trees in the front yard, a large back yard, a deck off the (I say this laughingly) master bedroom, a park down the street and kids in almost every house in the neighborhood. It was perfect for the 3 and one half of us and we couldn't wait for the house to be ready for us.
We lived in that house for years. We raised kids in that house, babysat kids in that house, worked in the yard, had gardens, hung clothes on the line, planted flowers, had weddings, had party's, and did a whole lot of living, laughing and loving. Seldom were we not packed to overflowing with kids, adults, furniture, toys or other miscellaneous things.....and yet we all loved that home.
Many an evening my husband and I would sit on the front porch, drink coffee and talk, share and often dream. On hot summer days we watched our kids ride bikes on the street, race each other to the park, or play in the hose in the yard. It was life at it's simplest and yet everything any of us had ever dreamed we wanted.
After awhile, life began to change. We were about to welcome a new life into our family, the house just couldn't grow anymore and we simply couldn't downsize anymore than we already had. Little did I know then, that the changes we were about to undertake would be more life altering than anyone had ever imagined and the changes would continue for several years to come. We would end up losing some of our family, moving several times and coming to the brink of sanity before finally settling in and settling down where we are now.
Life is good now. Our losses are still with us....but blessedly the happy memories (such as the time in our little house) have replaced the sadness. The kids are growing and thriving....and for the most part....I am at peace.
Just the other day.....I needed a trip down memory lane, so I drove by our little house. The grass is not as green as when we lived there. It appears that kids are no longer the majority of the neighborhood and the front door is not perpetually open with people constantly coming and going, but it still gives me a rush of emotion as I close my eyes and I remember our little house the way it was and what it meant to our world and our lives.
Don't get me wrong....I am happy now and I can't think of much I would change...... but the truth is....for a certain stretch of years.....even with times when we were out of work, out of money and even out of patience.......life in that little house....our little house......was just pretty close to perfect!
Posted by Cmom at 3:20 PM
Sunday, October 3, 2010
You know....it is amazing when you spend time in the ER with a sick child..... just what you will read, watch or think about in the time it takes you to get called back to be seen....right up until the time you actually get to leave. Last night, while at the ER, I watched Spongebob the Movie until I felt brain cells oozing out my ears and I read every pamphlet available from the treatment of Hepatitis C to Polio....Making a Comeback. Finally....a Child Life staff person realized that I needed something more to do than trying to keep one child from escaping in his wheelchair and watching the other one flip flop on his ER bed in pain....so she kindly brought me some fairly current, current event news magazines. Now in situations where you are already distracted by sick children....usually magazines full of celebrity gossip and nice big pictures of fashion faux pas are what you need to kill the time and avoid the reality of your situation. But apparently....those types of magazines were no where to be found....so I got magazines with in depth articles on real world subjects with nary a celebrity divorce, arrest or drunken outburst to be had. Lucky me. But being that it was after midnight and it was either this or Spongebob....I began to read.
As I leafed through the pictureless articles of dry facts and depressing possibilities, one magazine had an article that caught my eye. Why? I am not sure. We will chalk it up to exhaustion and the need to read something besides another article about global warming, PETA, or the oil spill. This article was about Hillary Clinton. Now let me say up front....I am not a fan of her politics NOR was I a fan of her husband, but this article was interesting. It talked about a young Hillary and the lawyer Hillary, the First Lady Hillary, the Senator Hillary, the Secretary of State Hillary and finally.....the mother Hillary preparing for her daughter Chelsea's wedding. It humanized her and made her not just the public figure that often appears hard nosed, out spoken and somewhat shrill (my description...not the articles), but it softened her and gave a glimpse into "the woman", wife and mother that she is. As I finished the article....it left me seeing her not just for her political views....but also a human being...a flesh and blood woman.....not so unlike myself.
Still waiting on blood work and needing more distraction.....I continued on, searching for more to read. After finishing flipping through that particular publication I was convinced I had read the only truly readable article in it.....so I moved onto another equally stimulating piece of media. Again....articles so dry that they rivaled the Sahara jumped out at me.....and then low and behold....an article about ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin. Now this woman....I have never really been sure of. While her politics "appear" to be more in line with mine....I have just never really been sure of the woman behind the image....so away I read. This article too was fairly in depth talking about her time as governor, her love and devotion to the state of Alaska, her run for vice president, her possible run for the presidency and her life as wife, mother and grandmother. Again....a very humanizing article....and very much like the article I had just finished on Clinton. In fact, so much like it that I had to check the bylines to see if they were both written by the same person. They were not. The articles however.....did get me to thinking.
Here I was in the ER and I was thinking about Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin. It must have been my mind rebelling against the little yellow sponge on tv or perhaps I was just....THAT.....tired. At any rate....I came to some conclusions about these women....and women in general.....and sadly....us women in general didn't come out looking so good.
After immersing myself in these two different articles I realized that at first glance Clinton and Palin appear to be polar opposites. But on a deeper look.... these women are more alike than most of us ever dreamed possible. Don't believe me? Well let us look at the facts: both grew up in conservative house holds, both married, raised families, have held political offices, are strong out spoken women and both have their eye on the White House. While the political roads that they have taken have been quite different.....they both have the same goal.....to be the first woman president of the United States of America. While the list of similarities goes on and on....these are the high points.....and the biggest similarity of all is......these two women have fought and won battles and achieved fairly lofty goals in an arena dominated in the past by men. If you really stand back and look at the big picture of each one of these women.....you don't have to like their politics.....but you really must admire them both for being strong enough, and not afraid to speak up and speak out in a career path where women have historically taken a back seat.
This brings me to women in general. I find myself often disappointed by my own gender. Yes...men often make degrading, unkind, and often unfounded remarks about these two women. Both women have been berated and humiliated by less than flattering articles and photos, and the butt of many a joke on late night television. Often this kind of behavior comes from the male of our species and is not unexpected.....after all.....these women are touching a deep seated nerve in men that often they aren't even aware of. It is a primal desire in them to keep the status quo and keep women "behind" the "successful" man. It somehow messes with their male ego and inner balance to have a woman leading the charge.....or the country. However...I expect more of women!
Facebook is a pretty good barometer of where people stand on most subjects and what I see from women is often astounding. More than once I have been disappointed to see women degrading other women, viscously taking jabs with nasty remarks and many times.....going after the very women who are in their own way.....carving out the future for a whole new generation of our gender. While I love my women friends, I cringe to the point of pure frustration when I see women I know personally, so totally disregarding the fact that love or hate Palin and Clinton.....we really should respect these courageous....yes I said courageous women for not only fighting for their place in history despite all the nastiness, disrespect and down right personal floggings they have had to and still have to endure every time they open their mouths....but also remember that they are showing young women that if you hold tight to your convictions, aren't afraid to speak out, work hard and fight....that they too can achieve any goal they choose. Unfortunately though....we women of the general population are teaching young women a very different lesson. We are showing them through our very disrespect and hateful cattiness that other women will not support you. Other women will not respect you as a person if they disagree with your politics, religion, family life, sexual orientation....etc. even if you are working to do something ground breaking, amazing, or paving the way for other women. I really find it sad and a scenario where most of us women come out looking pretty darn bitchy. We want to move ahead, conquer, be whatever we want to be with no ceiling to stop us.....and yet we have nothing but hatefulness and negativity for those doing just that. We are sending out a mixed message to future women that we want them to succeed....but if at any point we disagree with them on their road to success.....we will refuse to support them....and more over.....will bombard them viciously with twisted truths and down right lies with the hopes of degrading and humiliating them. In other words.....we evolved 21st century women are creating a story....in which most of us don't come out looking very good in the end.
But alas....this is just one woman's opinion. One woman who is very tired, has sick kids and who finds Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton just a little more enlightening than Spongebob. But then again.....what do I know?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wow! It has been awhile...but time marches on. School has started, fall is in the air and every Friday night home game....I can hear all the football action out my bedroom window (one of the perks of living a block from the football field).
Life is beginning to take a different shape. Zachary is back in actual school for his freshman year. No more eschool and no more "mom having to teach subjects she was never any good at in the first place!" Miraculously....eschool did work and Zachary is doing pretty good in school....if we can just keep him there. He is still fighting mono and someday's I think the mono is winning.
David is doing very well in school this year. He seems to have adjusted to the transition of a new school nicely. It took him all of about 30 seconds to make the grade school his own. While he has had some hit and miss mini seizures....he has had none at school and no health issues which have made him miss school. He did however just have his 10th birthday....which he got to celebrate with his friends at school. This is a first in a long time....as the last few years he has been sick on his birthday. Yay....we have made it a decade! And what a decade it has been!
Have I mentioned that I bake cheesecakes......and sell them? Well....I do! I actually have played with having a cheesecake business for about 15 years. Due to life circumstances though....it has been an off and on venture, which more times than not was off rather than on. Thanks to local friends and even a few "not so local" friends and facebook.....my little one woman cheesecake show is starting to get some recognition....and dare I say....fans?! So look out world....here comes the Cheesecake Chick!
So....this morning....a beauty of a morning might I add, I was thinking of those old school assignments where when you head back to school after summer.....the teacher says..."I want you to write a paper about what you did over your summer vacation." And I thought about all that I have done, seen, felt, and been a part of over the last few months. So if I were given this assignment....here is what I would write:
What I Did Over My Summer Vacation
What I did over my summer vacation? Well....lets put it this way....there was no vacation involved. I worked! I worked at home, away from home and I baked cheesecakes......many....many....cheesecakes.
I spent a lot of time running back and forth between home and the ER and home and the hospital. I spent Memorial Day in the ER as well as Father's Day and we watched fireworks on the 4th of July from the 5th floor window at the hospital.
I began a lifestyle change and found exercise to be more of a friend..... instead of just the acquaintance that it once was. I also finally realized that 30 min. of cardio a day can change blood pressure numbers dramatically. I started on a road to rediscovering who I really am instead of just who I was allowing myself to become.
I learned a lot about science, ethics, and theology and spent a great deal of time voicing my opinion on all of it.
I voted in the primaries and became very disillusioned with politics on both sides of most issues.
I learned to breathe and remembered to pray.
I fell in love with a cousin who was 4 years old and who taught me that life is short so you have to live it to the fullest. I followed his life as he showed the world that even cancer could not break his fighting spirit. I cheered for him during his high's and I prayed constantly for him and his family during his lows. Finally, when it was evident that God's will was not that Nicky stay here on earth.....I cried. I cried for his family, and yet couldn't help but smile at the fact that heaven had its' newest angel.....who was cancer free (which is what we had all been praying for all along).
I learned that I have friends. Many good and wonderful friends who have my back, who are there for me at a moments notice, who are willing to push me to be my best self......and best of all.....friends who are willing to stop and say a prayer for me when they know I need it most.
Finally....as summer was coming to an end...I got to actually have some fun. I got to reconnect with old friends, make some new ones..... and just let my hair down, play a bit and actually enjoy a weekend for once.
So to sum it all up.....my summer had some pretty good highs as well as some pretty drastic lows. But for the first time in many years....things started to change....for the better I'm thinking..... and nothing good or bad happened that in the end didn't work itself out.
So folks....as leaves are beginning to show their fall wardrobe and the temperatures are starting to dip.....looking back.....this is how I spent my summer vacation!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Well....they headed off this morning....and I realize that the number of times I would kiss them good-bye and send them on their way to their first day of a new school year, were growing fewer with each passing year.
My house had excited early risers who were dressed without being told to get ready a zillion times, and attitudes were excited, happy, and READY for the first day. Of course...next Monday I am sure will be a different story, with snooze alarms being hit over and over again, gripes and grumbles as they are told for the 3rd, 4th and 5th times to get dressed, and general irritation and panic as one realizes he did NOT get all of his homework done and we can't find the other ones leg braces. All will soon again be normal as the count down for Christmas break, then Spring break and finally summer is on again.
Now though....my house is washed in silence. Even the dogs seem to sense the day and realize that change is upon us. Two new schools, new teachers, new friends, and new experiences. Today is full of possibilities and promise for a wonderful new year. For me though....it is also full of a little sadness that my two little boys have turned into two big boys and are both racing to become young men. If only they realized that when you reach a certain age....the frantic rush to grow up turns to a panicked wish that time would just simply stand still and let you catch your breath.
I was almost sure as I waited on the porch for David's bus this morning that I felt a breeze beckoning change. Is it too early to smell the musty fall smells or hear the already falling leaves crunch beneath your feet? Well maybe a little, but with the break in the heat, and school starting.....there is no doubt in my mind.....that change is on it's way.
Friday, June 4, 2010
As I was out driving this morning, I was admiring all the farm land around me and remembering my dream from the time I was very young....to live on a farm. I always had it pictured in my head....the old white farm house with the more than ample front porch and a wonderful porch swing in which to enjoy the warm summer evenings. Yep....that was always my dream. Maybe it was because I was indoctrinated with shows like The Waltons and Little House on the Prairie, or maybe it was because there was something about farm life that meant family and comfort to me. I really don't know...I just know that was my dream.
Funny that I would have such a dream, being that I was born in a huge city. I only lived there a year or so....so obviously no city notions stuck with me. I then moved to what was back then no more than a big town (but has since grown to be considered a city). Apparently...it was still too big to entice me. Finally....before I hit jr. high....we moved to small town America. It is your typical, everyone knows everyone elses business, kind of town, fresh with a one stop sign Main st, and graduating classes small enough that everyone knows everyone.
Still, small town life wasn't farm life and I used to be jealous of all the kids who got to go home and feed whatever it was they fed, bail hay, and play in the barn. Now mind you....my mother had a garden 1/3 of the size of our 3/4 acre back yard....and I literally hated working in it, but somehow I thought I would make an awesome farm girl?! Hmmmm Those that know me well are probably laughing their hind quarters off as we speak.
As I grew older....my dream grew stronger and I tended to hang with and party with a lot of farm kids. No one could party and have fun like they did. I later realized that they played so hard because they worked so hard, but all I knew was wherever they were....that is where I wanted to be. And their families always seemed so down to earth. Again....a later realization was that you couldn't run a successful farm without certain life skills and those life skills just naturally poured over into their family lives. They all lived, loved, worked and played hard. That was what I wanted.
Needless to say, it wasn't long before I grabbed one of those farm boys as a boyfriend. He was a dairy farmer and his family had about 140 head of cows who needed milking 3 times a day. I soon found if you dated anyone in the family or married into the family (especially where the boys were concerned) you helped out. My guys job was to take care of the cows, milk them, and clean the barn.....did I mention 3 TIMES A DAY?! So most of our dating life consisted of cows. I was a trooper though and I worked my little fingers to the bone. I could herd cattle, feed cattle, help deliver calves, take care of calves, and milk cows....3 TIMES A DAY! We milked at 4 a.m., 11 a.m., and 4 p.m. and for a year.....I spent every weekend, at least a couple days during the week and every holiday, playing dairy farm queen.
Now I know that anyone who knows me is just in hysterics thinking about ME working on a farm....and well you should be. I am sure I gave my guy and his family hours of story fun for years to come. Like the time I was walking through cattle pen after a hard rain. My boots were too big and the ground was covered in mud and cow crap. There was myself, my guy, his dad and two of his brothers...along with me trying to herd the cattle towards the barn....and as always the graceless freak of nature that I am.....my boot slipped and I fell face first into the muddy mixture that I was walking in. And do you think anyone helped me up??? Oh no! They were way too busy laughing! It took me years of showers to overcome that experience. And there was the time when I was feeding the calves in their individual pens. I had stepped over the fence and given the little guy his food, when I dropped something on the ground. So I bent over to pick it up and that little mother#$%^&$ turned around and kicked me right in the butt. I went flying over the fence right into my guys dad. Needless to say.....he was amused.....I was not! And let us not forget the time that I was trying to heard the cows to the barn for milking at 3:30 in the morning. I was only about half awake and I was walking along smacking the cows on their butts guiding them towards the barn. Suddenly my guy grabbed me and we both went flying over the corral fence. As I looked up I was facing a very angry and very ill tempered bull. Apparently in the midst of all my butt slapping.....I had mistakenly slapped his butt too. I hadn't even realized it.....thank goodness my guy saw it and realized what I had done....or you might not be hearing this story right now....because apparently....bulls don't like to have their butts slapped. Again.....my antics got a big laugh from everyone......but me! And then there was my all time Lisa should not be a farm girl moment.
When you bring the cows into the barn they go a few at a time and follow each other into individual gates where you then attach the milking machines to them. Most of the cows this does not bother and they act just fine....but you always get one who doesn't want to get with the program and I had Miss Bossy Bitch. (The bitch....I added). Every time I would bring her in....before I could get her gate shut....she would try to kick me. She would haul that back leg back at me and try to leave a mark and I had to be fast....or she would have. Daily we would give each other the evil eye and she would make a snorting sound just before she would try to high kick her way into my upper thigh. It was a ritual.....and every time I would call her names and then laugh at her unsuccessful attempt at hitting her mark. Then one day....I was not fast enough. Before I could shut the gate....her back foot came flying back and nailed me squarely in the thigh right above my knee. It hurt so bad that it brought tears to my eyes.....and as if to celebrate her victory....MBB gave a little snort that almost sounded like a laugh. Oh I was angry. So much to her surprise (and mine too) I just hauled out and kicked her back. I kicked with every ounce of energy I had and she let out what was almost the equivalent of a dog yip. She knew I meant business. And that day.....Miss Bossy and I came to a truce. She never tried to kick me again....and I never kicked her back. Needless to say though.....yet again, I had an audience who found the whole incident extremely funny. Sure....they could laugh. They didn't have a hoof print on their leg.
My guy and I later broke up. Maybe I just realized that dairy cows and I would never be any closer than...a glass of milk. I did however learn first hand that farm life was all the good things I had imagined....and also a lot of hard work, effort, prayer, and sometimes disaster that I hadn't. So that was my last farm experience. But I digress.
So as I was out driving this morning, I was admiring all the farm land around me and remembering my dreams.....and I thought to myself, how lucky am I to still live in an area of the country were farms are still abundant and farm life is still a staple of a community. Will I ever get my farmhouse with the porch and swing? Who knows.....maybe not, but for a little while....I did get to live my dream....sort of!
Friday, May 28, 2010
I sat down to write...thinking that I really had something to say today. But as I have sat here and my day has taken all sorts of interesting turns....and it is not even noon yet, I am going to have to go with....I got nuthin'!
Well....maybe that is not true. I was thinking about Memorial Day....and what it means and then I got to thinking about the Pledge of Allegiance. Yes...my mind was wandering. The other day I had a fellow question whether I even knew what the Pledge of Allegiance meant. Well...yes I do, but from our conversation....I am not sure he did. But in case someone doesn't know.....here is the Pledge of Allegiance...with my understanding of it's meaning attached.
The Pledge of Allegiance
I pledge allegiance to the Flag
(I pledge my heart, my soul, and all that I am....and that I will never turn my back on or deny it, because it is
not just a piece of material....but a symbol of freedom earned with the blood, sweat and tears of those who have served, fought for and died for this country)
Of the United States of America
(a place where we stand together...united in freedom and peace)
and to the republic for which it stands
(a government who receives it's power from the people....NOT the other way around and a government who stands behind the people....not in front of them)
one Nation under God
(one Nation...our Nation...recognizing that God is our higher power)
(shall not be divided)
with liberty and justice for all
(meaning all legal citizens of this country deserve the same rights, respect and personal freedoms granted to them under the Constitution of these United States.)
So what is not to understand?
Well...enough with my ramblings. I must get back to my curvy day, but not without wishing you all a safe and enjoyable Memorial weekend and a request to remember the men and women who have served and died so that we may continue to live in peace and freedom. God Bless You All!
Happy Memorial Weekend!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Kind of stuck in the poetry loop. Still bringing over the old stuff.
I say “I love you…
and always will”
His face glows
with a tinge of pink
and his eyes
can only see the floor
I step close
to touch his chin
some unseen force
pushes his body….
taps his foot
as I force his eyes
pull him close
his stubbled chin
of my face
a tear falls
upon my cheek
and his head rests….
on the firmness
of my shoulder
For a moment……
but a little boy again
in his mothers arms.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
More of my older stuff I thought I would bring over. While poetry is not particularly me forte....it definitely can be both cathartic and soul cleansing.
He was there
and I was here
and we talked.
and most of all...
A long time ago
when I was young,
and he was young
we were together.
He got me and I got him
until it was gone.
I don't know why
can't even really remember when
But he did.
He hurt and I didn't.
Not sure why or even how
it just was no more.
Now he is here
and we talked,
but only for a moment
Then he was gone....
and I hurt and he didn't.
Not sure why or even how
it just was no more.
Was it me? Or maybe him?
Was it time or circumstance?
Could we have been together again?
We will never know.
I just know.....
I lost a friend.
You think you know me
and who I am
but I am very sure
You think my smile
when it really
just masks my pain
You think I am strong
but I am not
and the days
they crush me
one by one
You think my words
but they are
slipping from my mouth
with no particular
You think my tears
are but a myth
and never touch my face
but deep inside
they drown my heart
and flood my very soul
You think that I am
who I show the world
my life an open book
but you don't know
the inner me
the one who hides
You think you know me
and who I am
but I am very sure....
Much Better Than Me
I look at his little legs
with the swollen knees
which cross with every
assisted step he takes
I see the smile
always the smile
that ignores life's pains
each new experience
They say his brain
can't learn like us
and will never be
like yours and mine
But I watch him
laugh at Spongebob
gently pet the dog
hug my neck
And feel his
kiss my cheek
I would say
and he has learned
far more than most
for he grasps
the important things
laugh and love
and show gentleness
to all living things
So I really think
that makes him
much better than....
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
This is a piece I wrote awhile back....but thought I would share here.
A writer I know and who’s work I have come to respect (Amy Wood)….wrote a similar piece as this a few days ago...and bravely placed it for the world to see. She said it took her 40 years to write it but she finally did it....and I got the feeling that it gave her a sort of peace and relief all at the same time. I felt inwardly challenged to do the same. So here is mine…almost 47 years in the making. Thanks Amy!
Dear Little Girl in the Pink Dress,
I see you standing there with your brand new white doll carriage. I am not sure why you are going to remember this day and even this year for the rest of your life….but you will. Most don’t remember their second birthday but you will. You will remember your mommy telling you to blow out the two glowing candles on your cake and you will remember the excitement of the doll carriage. You will also remember your babysitter of that year, her foul smell and her ugly boys. You will remember being coerced into eating things that weren’t really food, being stuck in hot water, and sadly……being touched by those ugly boys in ways that no two year old should have to experience. Try to always remember that you did nothing to deserve this and you were never a “bad girl” because it happened.
When you are six, please don’t fight your mother when she wants to brush your long, thick hair. This is only going to cause her frustration and you are going to end up going from having long, beautiful hair….to the ever popular and not so attractive pixie cut. This is going to set you up for a lot of teasing and some very negative feelings about yourself….that will last for years to come.
Six is not going t be a great year for you…so try to take it in stride. On that day when you just can’t hold it anymore…..PLEASE don’t be afraid of the teacher. Just get up and go to the bathroom….otherwise you are going to be teased mercilessly and that wicked witch of a teacher is going to be the one leading the charge.
Finally that year….try hard to understand that mommy’s and daddy’s fight and it doesn’t matter how good you are or how bad you are….your actions have nothing to do with their problems. Don’t take what is going to be their life time of issues on your little shoulders. They are simply not meant to hold such weighty problems as infidelity and adult immaturity.
When your brother is born, your mom is sick and your dad is gone….don’t take your mothers short temper as a sign you are bad. She really has no intention of sending you to boarding school…she is just sick, tired, and at her wits end. She never signed on to raise two kids on her own.
When you are in jr. high, don’t believe it when your dad tells you “you will never amount to anything.” Believe it or not….in many ways….you are already a better person than he is.
Please don’t fall in love in the 7th grade. That is going to come back to haunt you time and time again….and believe me when I say….it will end badly.
Don’t let your dad play you and your brother against each other. He is setting you up for years of resentment towards each other and causing a rift of distrust that may never be healed.
When you get to take the magical trip to Mexico with the Spanish class…enjoy every second, take in every site, and appreciate every detail for you will most likely never get to go on such a trip again...
When you get to high school…you need to pay close attention. These are actually going to be some of the best years of your life. Cherish the friends you make and especially hug that tall red headed boy as much as possible. He isn’t going to be around forever.
Appreciate every minute you spend with your mom. You will learn as time goes on that you never really learn everything there is to know about her…..and not everyone’s mom stays up all night talking to them whenever teenage crisis’ hit. Hug her whenever possible and never tire of hearing her tell you she loves you.
In your senior year….think twice before you take that first drink of alcohol. It may loosen you up and make you more social then….but it is going to be the root of many bad choices in the future.
When you are chosen as a sr. prom queen candidate….enjoy it. Don’t let it be lessened because some boy tells you “they had to choose the girls they did……….because they were at the bottom of the barrel.”
On graduation night….try to keep your emotions under control, because if you don’t….you will drink way beyond your ability to function…and you are going to end up passing out. When you come to…you are going to find yourself in the process of having your innocence stolen while two others watch and then you are going to be dropped off at your house…..humiliated, bruised, and scarred for years to come.
In the late summer before you go to college….don’t let your heart lead. Just because you hear the word’s “I love you,” doesn’t mean you should give in. If you do…it will end badly.
Don’t go to college away from home just because your parents think you should…otherwise you are going to major in partying, carry your secret shame with you, and end up with more issues than before you even left.
When at college….don’t fall for that boy who is so different from all the guys you have ever known. When you find out that you are pregnant and were pregnant when you came to school….you are going to cause problems for both you and him and get caught up in a situation that once again…..does not end well.
Think long and hard before you put that baby up for adoption. She is going to be a regret you never let go of….and when she dies without being adopted and you have to bury her…..you are going to go through pain you never knew you could feel.
Please don’t go back to college in the summer of ’83. Yes you are in love….but after what you have been through…..regardless of what you two think, it is just never going to work out. By Christmas of ’83 you are going to have your heart broken and you are going to end up back at home.
Please, please when you are out dragging Douglas….don’t talk to the hot guy in the car. This is going to be the start of something that leads to a very dark period in your life. You may just be talking to pure evil.
When he hits you the first time and you actually see stars…..run, don’t walk to the door. This is not going to be the last time this happens and in the end….you will be lucky to get out with your life.
Cherish the life that comes from this dark time in your life. Don’t let your parents make you feel that you are too stupid and too inept to raise this child. You’re not….you just need a chance.
You are going to have some guys come in and out of your life in the next few years. Don’t discard the good ones and navigate towards the bad ones. You really do deserve a good guy.
When you meet the really hot guy at the bar who looks good and even smells good….be cautious. While you are going to spend the next few years having adventures and having some wonderful times….he is going to have even more issues than you and there will never be a long term future. Enjoy the good times though….and hang on to the happy memories….for he won’t be in this world forever.
That night when you begrudgingly go to the bar…..do go with your instinct on this unusual guy you meet. He is a keeper!
Live, love and laugh as hard as possible in the next few years. It will be over….way too soon.
When your youngest lies between life and death….draw your strength from the man beside you. Keep your faith….your son will live to bring joy to your life that you never dreamed possible.
On that particular morning….kiss your husband good-bye with all your heart. Tell him you love him and give him that extra hug before you leave. This will be your last time to do this….but he will know he is loved before he takes his last breath.
Take every moment you can on those trips to radiation and chemo with your mom. Talk about her and get to know her. Her life is slipping away and soon you won’t have those special moments anymore. Open your eyes to the truth…..and tell her what she has meant to your life.
When you are left alone with your kids and you are doing it all on your own…..don’t let your heart drop out of you when your 16 year old tells you…”I wish you had died instead of dad,” he is just a mixed up confused child, trying to deal with his loss.
Know that all the nights you stay up worrying where he is, what he is doing, and if you are going to get a call from a hospital, the police, or worse yet the morgue….you and him both survive. You do get a call or two….but again….you DO survive.
In the end….you will survive his teen years, children being sick, children having seizures, your dad still telling you that you will never survive when he is gone or amount to anything, your brother telling you and your kids what a lousy mother you are, health issues, and doing it all on your own.
You will grow, you will forgive, you will learn, and most of all….you will have no regrets…for you will know that each and every one of these experiences….made you who you are today….and you are just pretty okay with that!
Posted by Cmom at 3:24 PM
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday! Usually just saying the word evokes a sigh, a mutter, or even in some....a tear. Monday gets such a bad rap. Someone once said...."the only difference between Monday and Friday is the beer." Actually...maybe I said that. At any rate, is that really fair to Monday?
Perhaps in order to give Monday a fair shake we need to put Monday into a different perspective. Maybe we need to look at Monday as the beginning of a brand new week....full of wonder and possibilities instead of the ending of fun and relaxation. We aren't really losing anything when Monday comes around....in fact...we are merely building towards more fun and relaxation. Right?
Okay...I tried. I admit it. Monday's suck! Now all that is left...is to wait for the beer.
Today I am gritchy. I have this distinct desire to snark my way through the day. I have already found myself growling at those around me and even an hour workout did nothing for my less than sunny demeanor. What is wrong you ask? I think it is the weather. It is hot and muggy and the barometric pressure I bet is all over the place.
I can't decide whether I have an actual migraine coming on....or if my head hurts just because of pure meanness. It is just one of those days where you want to thumb your nose at the world and then bitch slap anyone who has the audacity to give you attitude. Because believe me....there is only room for one attitude today....and that is mine.....and boy it ain't pretty!
And since I am in.....lets face it.....a VERY gritchy mood....lets talk Lindsay Lohan. This girl irritates me on my best day.....today, she just makes me want to scream...."ARE YOU STUPID?????"
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100524/ap_en_mo/us_lindsay_lohan This girl wonders why the judge won't give her leniency and let her go to TX to film a movie. Come on Lindsay...you are a train wreck and the judge is probably doing you a favor. At the rate your going....the only real head line you are going to make is: Lindsay Lohan dies from:_________________. You fill in the blank...drugs, alcohol poisoning, or her own stupidity.
It appears to me that her bad behavior and an unwillingness to act like a professional instead of a spoiled teenager has already killed her career....perhaps she should take note of this and make some changes. Sadly I hold no hope for her.
Guess she will be going the way of what's her name, and that other what's her name....oh and let us not forget....that other what's her name!
So guys....I guess this is the best you will get from me today. I promise to try and do better.....tomorrow.
Posted by Cmom at 12:37 PM
Friday, May 21, 2010
Don't Take Debate Just Because a Cute Guy's in Your Class OR Scratching Your Nose With Your Gun Could Cause Death
A funny story about me and debating. When I was in high school....I took forensics which covered among other things....debate. I sucked at it. No...actually "sucking" would have been too kind of an adjective! Week after week I stood up and made a royal fool out of myself and lived in humiliation that whole year. Why you ask did I put myself through such torture....especially when forensics was an elective? Lets just say....there was this boy....cute, dark, and much more talented at forensics than I. Cute as he was though....another year of forensics was not in the cards for me. The details are foggy....so I can't remember if I was simply asked NOT to join again....or if my self inflicted humiliation finally got the better of me.
Then many years and many life experiences later, I found debating again. It was in the form of a politically conservative web site.(Yeah...big shock that I am a conservative!!! Get over it....I'm still funny!) Once I learned my way around debate and the etiquette (yes....there actually is a right and wrong way to do it).....then I was off. Many an evening I stayed up way past my bed time debating everything from religion, to politics, to one time I even spent hours debating dog vs. cat.
I learned early on that everyone has an opinion....but in order to debate....you better be able to back your opinion up. Also....it is NOT personal. If someone doesn't agree with you....that is okay. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree.
Debate is one of the greatest learning tools we have and through respectful debate....even if you don't change someones mind on a subject, you might just get them to thinking. Notice too...that I said respectful debate! All too often, I have seen grown men and women resort to behaviors that would even be frowned on...on a playground. Someone starts taking the debate personally and then out comes the name calling, the offensive remarks, and finally the complete and total breakdown of anything remotely constructive. I often wonder if this is really how these people act when someone disagrees with them or if they are merely acting this way because they have the anonymity of the internet to hide behind. At any rate....it has always been my belief that when someone starts the insults and name calling....it is a pretty safe bet that they have run out of anything else intelligent to say.
So as I was saying....last night was kind of a treat for me because I really have tried to avoid debate for awhile now. I just wasn't up for having to explain myself fifty times while being called a terrorist, racist or some other "ist" word. But last night two topics caught my eye and just could not go undebated. The first one was a religious topic where a picture of a baptist church in GA had a sign out front that said: Catholicism will take you to hell! There was no way THAT was going undebated. This little Roman Catholic girl attacked that like St. Michael attacking the devil. It actually was great though and the people who joined in....for the most part, used the debate as a tool for learning and trying to get to know more about the way other religions practice their worship of God. I was very pleased.
The other debate though....didn't turn out quite so well. The topic was abortion...and I landed on that with both feet. It is a hot button with me and a subject I have debated often. About two posts in.....he began calling me a "fascist" and as you can imagine....it went down hill from there. Before I knew it....he had removed all his posts and "virtually" stomped off in a huff. Apparently it was something I said!
Just when you think you have seen and heard it all.......along comes Kamau Kambon.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jh1YOIxtAz4
As I listened to this man speak, I had to wonder how someone can be filled with such complete hate for another human being...let alone......an entire race.
Kambon spoke such atrocious lies about how the white man wants the black man dead and that we are trying to enslave them yet again (or maybe still), that it almost left me speechless. He feels that the black man must rise up against the white man and figure out a way to rid the world of us. RID THE WORLD OF US???? Who thinks like that???
His speech was on CSPAN...but he spoke of "educating" the young 15, 16, 17 year old black youth about the evils of the white man and the need to eradicate them (my word...not his.) The scary thing is....apparently this man is an educator and this is what he is filling young black peoples minds with. Does this man not see what he is doing to these impressionable minds??? He is teaching them to hate and to kill and if he thinks this is going to be directed only at the white man....he is nuts. Hating and killing don't see skin color or race....and once fueled can become an enormous and unstoppable monster which will wipe out everything in its path. The outcome of such thinking will only bring disaster for not only white men but ALL men for when hate takes hold, destruction is never far behind.
Again I ask....how can someone hate his fellow human beings so much????
And finally in news too ridiculous to believe......a cop shoots himself in the head while.....wait for it....wait for it..........scratching his nose with his gun!!!!
Apparently in Russia...teaching gun safety to aspiring policemen does not include a lesson in how NOT to use your weapon as a nose scratcher. And to think....this man was hired to protect and serve.
Well folks....this is what is going on in Lisaland and beyond on this beautiful, sunny day in the heart of North America! Here's hoping that you have a wonderful weekend and that your next itch...doesn't end with a boom (yes I went there!)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
"How are you today?" I asked the face in the mirror. "Fine!" I replied. Boy did I miss the mark on that one. Well....actually I was fine, until I found out more shenanigans my son has been up to. (Shenanigans....I love that word. It makes the unacceptable...sound much more acceptable.) At any rate...when you live within small communities....nothing goes unnoticed and therefore....childrens shenanigans....ALWAYS get back to Mom.
Once again I am pounding my head against the wall and wondering what the answers are to raising a young man whose favorite words are "I am a grown ass man," and then turns around and acts like a 16 year old without a brain cell in his head. Oops....I forgot. He IS a grown ass man and he shouldn't be acting a fool and getting himself into things that he can't get out of. More over that though.....my days of raising him are through. That ship sailed years ago as he ran from my home screaming what an adult he was and how I was too stupid to dress myself....let alone give him advice on how to live his life.
Funny though, every time he has a car repair, a divorce, a run in with the law, or a problem of any kind....Mom apparently looks pretty good. Then once Mom runs to the rescue....helps to get things fixed...and things start looking up....I am once again the dirt beneath his shoes. I will say however, he is an equal opportunity user....for any family member who is willing and stupid enough to help him gets equally walked on.
Do I sound harsh? I feel harsh...and to be honest....all my anger is not at him. I own a good percent of the blame in his willingness to use me....as I have allowed it. Being Mom, I always want to fix things and make it all okay as if he was still coming to me with skinned elbows and knees. But there comes a time when fixing things doesn't really help any more. Sometimes, we as parents, have to stand back and let those wounds sting and bleed. No kiss....no bandage....no help. Now is that time for my son.
We have not talked since Christmas when I realized what a fool I was being and how I was being lied to and taken advantage of. Then the day before Mother's Day he called. I knew he was wanting something and it wasn't just to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. I cut him short and ended the conversation just as he began telling me that our problems were my fault. Now I find out this. The details don't matter. It is just another in a long line of shenanigans that will require money to fix and this time maybe even more. But this time....I can't help. This time he is going to have to do more than pay lip service to being..........a grown ass man!
This article was in the local paper. The people being referred to....the Phelps family....I simply do not understand. I am sure I am just one of a multitude of Christian Americans who stand back and scratch their heads wondering how these people can call themselves Christian or American?
This family prides itself on using their Constitutional rights (mainly their right to free speech) to constantly put down all things Christian and American while hiding behind a self proclaimed Christian church...better known as the Westboro Baptist Church. Fred Phelps...the leader (preacher, minister, whatever) of this church, teaches his flock (many of whom are related to him) that hate is the Christian way. And hate they do!!!! They hate other Christians, service men, the families of service men, politicians, the court system (which they try to use to further their message of hate), America in general......and most especially gays!!!!! And what is sadder is....they have such a warped sense of God, religion, and most things in general....that what comes from this is nothing more than someone teaching a whole new generation that hate is the answer.
And they are not satisfied to practice their hate filled beliefs in the confines of their church. Oh no...these followers of Phelps take their hate on the road. Most particularly they choose military funerals of young men and women who have died for their churches right to free speech. They come with signs a blazing about how God hates fags! or Thank God for IED's or simply God hates you! The fact that the poor families of these brave soldiers must be subjected to such hate on what is most likely the worst day of their lives.....is reprehensible to say the least.
Now the KS Attorney General is trying with the help of AG's from other states to make it illegal for Phelps and his hate-filled flock to picket at military funerals. While I am a proponent of free speech. I also believe that when our founding fathers gave us the 1st Amendment.....they had in mind a more civilized and dare I say responsible America than what we now seem to have. I think that there was an expectation that just because you can say or do something.....doesn't always mean that you should. This concept apparently goes over the heads of Phelps and his congregation. I am of the firm belief that All funerals should have a strict policy that no protests, picketing etc. can be done within the perimeter of the cemetery. That way no one is taking away Phelps' 1st Amendment rights....and the privacy of the family in mourning is also being respected.
It is a tough world we live in and sadly....where there are rights....there will always be those around to misuse, abuse, and twist them in a way that was never intended. To take those rights away from the few who abuse them is impossible in a democracy for if a few are judged unworthy of the right.....how long will it be before others are deemed just as unworthy because they are voicing something someone else might not want to hear?
And finally today.....on the same note...yet different (sort of)....the ACLU is suing for the right to swear.
You just can't make this stuff up. Apparently Pennsylvania has a real problem with swearing and finds verbal profanity unacceptable. Yet a Google search of strip clubs in the state finds that physical profanity is obviously not so frowned on. Again I have to scream REALLY!!!!!!
Come on! If you cuss in PA you can get a fine and a jail term but promote the skin trade and the powers that be look the other way?! Hmmm.... I am no big fan of the ACLU (The American Civil Liberties Union) but I think this one they got right. And shame on Pennsylvania for wasting man power and tax dollars on someone who's only crime is to cuss. Don't you have drug dealers, murderers, and pedophiles to put away like the rest of the country?????
So as you can see....today I have not been in a good place and my blog is evidence of such. In fact...you might say that today has been really f*@%#& up! Oops.....Thank God I don't live in Pennsylvania!