The Last Sunday in February

It is the last Sunday in February and according to the immediate/long term (next 15 days) forecast, winter seems to be over and spring time is well on its way. If my allergies are any indication, I would say the forecast seems correct.

So far this new year has been full and yet for some reason, I feel as if I have been standing still. Of course I haven't, although I try to be as lazy as I can every chance I get, but those times get fewer and fewer.

Mixed in with with the usual and the valiant attempts at laziness, there has also been much loss in 2016 for the world in general and also much closer to my own heart. Some have been expected and several have left a gaping hole and the ever present question.....why?! I hate loss.

Then there has been home.

Since David has done home bound school for the last few months, my house has felt small and closed in with equipment and school stuff scattered in the main living space. Add to the mix, more people than usual coming in and out, and it has been down right claustrophobic. Then in the midst of all the chaos, Z decided we needed a furniture rearrangement. He was feeling closed in too. Unfortunately, it was the wrong move at the wrong time. It just closed us in more. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your surroundings don't affect your mood. Luckily for all involved, home bound school is at its end and soon my house will no longer be doubling as a school. Even luckier is that I have worked very hard to keep my jovial persona.....even when I felt anything but jovial,

Speaking of school.....David starts back tomorrow. He will now be attending high school and my heart and head have so many mixed feelings and emotions about this move. It is what is best for him since his seizures appear to be under control and I know he is sick of seeing MOM all day everyday. We both need the break and he needs the socialization, but I have yet to even begin working through this move. It is huge in any parent/child's life, but especially so in ours. So instead of trying to put the effort into processing any of this stuff, I am rearranging furniture. There is also the loading up, cleaning out.....and of course.....blogging. That's all healthy.....right?!

Yes, my head has been full of "things" and as I sat down to write, I had no idea which of those "things" would jump to the surface and end up on the page. Lucky for you it was this. Some of the other things in my head are much darker and a lot less politically correct. So....your welcome!

Okay....so tomorrow starts a new normal for me, which will be interrupted by spring break and then in a blink of an eye.....summer. But for now, I am just looking towards tomorrow and the week ahead. There is much to do, much to organize and much to mentally process. My baby is in high school! It just doesn't seem possible, and yet here we are. Where has the time gone? Lord! I sound like my mother. Sigh........

Does this mean I am back to blogging? Perhaps. But just remember......be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it! Till we meet again. Happy Sunday!

Man in the Mirror

It is Friday the 13^th! Since I am not in the least bit superstitious…..I have no real worries on this day.  However…I hear Mulvane High School may have a problem. Apparently they have been inundated with…………..Zombies! Normally I would ignore such a crazy rumor…BUT last night I saw them with my own eyes! They were fantastic. MHS is putting on their spring theater production of Night of the Living Dead. Parents of the cast and crew were treated to their very own night and I must say……I was not disappointed. I was also rather impressed with my own personal zombie. He seemed to get into the role quite comfortably complete with undead movements and low guttural growls. He did good! They all did in fact! If you don’t have anything going on tonight or tomorrow night and are in the mood for a little scary/campy fun…..you really need to head to MHS and see Night of the Living Dead!!!!!

Okay…..moves soapbox to center stage and jumps up on it! I am mad! No….I am beyond mad! I am angry and frustrated and I guess ultimately disappointed. I am going to pose the same question to you that I posted on fb. The question is: Have you ever been bullied? As a kid? As an adult? Or how about this....have you ever bullied? Now all that replied (and there were quite a few) were adults. Most everyone who replied had at one time or another been bullied. Some were bullied as kids in school, some at home and some as adults in the workplace. ALSO….many admitted that they too had bullied at least once in their lives. If bullying is put into perspective and definitions are put into place….I would almost bet those numbers would go up.

Someone once told me that bullying was subjective and that people chose to be offended or not. I was really rather shocked at such a simplistic statement and had to wonder if in fact this person was not a lifelong bully himself. Granted….we can choose how we allow someone or something (even bullying) to affect us, but bullying is in my opinion a little more defined than that. Also….there have always been bullies. You are always going to run into people that are so unhappy and so insecure in their own skin, their own life and their own sexuality that they have to pass that unhappiness and insecurity along to others. But today….it just seems like bullying has taken on a whole new life of its own….especially in the schools. And while I have a pretty good understanding of where it comes from and why…..I have to ask….when are we going to take steps to make it stop?!

I live in a small community with many people I have known for decades. I was bullied in school. Middle school was the worst of it. Back then bullying mostly consisted of name calling, backstabbing and gossip amongst the girls and pushing and shoving amongst the boys. In most cases a girl would hate you and talk about you behind your back and call you names to your face one day and by weeks end….she would have moved on to someone new. The guys often times would push and shove and maybe call a name or two until one or the others teen hormones boiled over. Usually there was a fist fight and then by weeks end the boys were buds again….the fight was forgotten and life moved on.  Only once do I remember a situation getting out of hand. There was a girl who was both a jock and popular. She hung with our version of the “cool” kids and she seemed to have her place in the social stratosphere of school. I have no idea what set it off or why her friends turned on her….but they did with a vengeance. This poor girl was so ostracized that she turned to my social group for comfort (and believe me…..as social groups go....I am sure to her we were a huge step down the ladder.) We accepted her….heck we accepted everyone. Our world though….was not hers and her previous social group were not happy with her finding solace anywhere…so they bullying continued. Finally it got so bad that this girl was to the point of at least threatening bodily harm to herself. This is where our gym teacher stepped in. I remember her calling all of us girls in and reading us the riot act over how this girl was being treated and how we treated each other. Apparently the message took, because by days end our group had lost its newest member as she happily was welcomed back into her old clique....and the bullying never seemed to get out of hand again. Don’t get me wrong….there was still gossipy stuff, and girls stealing other girls guy fights, and even a little nastiness from time to time….but never again was the line crossed by our girls where someone was pushed so far. Reading my fb answers though…..some of the people who were in different classes than myself, but still at our school, ended up with a much different experience. Many felt bullied, humiliated and cast out by their fellow students their entire jr. high and high school years. My question here is….why didn’t someone step in and stop this? Why didn’t just one teacher (not unlike our own gym teacher) stand up and say ENOUGH! Why didn’t another student stand up and say STOP! Do teachers feel that boys should be able to handle it better than girls? Do teachers feel that kids need to work these things out for themselves….or are teachers simply afraid that if they step in…..that they too will be bullied?

Of course....if you have read my blog for any period of time....you might surmise that this particular subject stems from experiences at school....that Z has had. While this year has been much better than his middle school experiences....the bullying is far from over. In middle school Z was bullied to the point of being in tears every day he had to go to school. And the bullying went much farther than just a little name calling. Practically every day of school Z was threatened, shoved, pushed, called a fag, hit and made fun of in some way. One kid told him he wished Z were dead and another started a rumor that Z killed his dad (Z's dad died of a brain aneurysm when Z was five.....he was alone in the house with his dad when it happened!) Z was at the end of his rope and much of this was happening and he wasn't telling anyone.....not even me. Finally it came to a head and he just exploded. When I realized what was happening....the school and I collided.  And here is where the schools stand:1) Over half the kids that are bullied in school never report it and if it is not reported....nothing can be done. 2) If the teachers/principals don't see it happen.....then it becomes one students word against another and sides cannot be taken. Therefore....if a kid reports another student bullying them....and that student denies it, basically nothing can be done unless the bully is seen or caught by others. This means the bully gets off scott free and the kid who was being bullied usually gets bullied twice as bad for telling. Great system....huh? Sadly though....with the way the world is today.....I kind of understand it. 

I ended up pulling Z out to go to Eschool (online school) for a year and a half...and life went on. Z actually thrived in his school work because he didn't dread doing it every day and he could actually spend his time on school work and not worry about who was lurking behind every corner or who was going to go after him physically or verbally. 

This year (his freshman year) has been much better for Z. He chose to go back to school and he has become friends with alot of kids. He has excelled in his passion of music and theater and has done his best to find his place in the big world called high school. His hs classification is probably theater geek or music nerd which he wears proudly. Unfortunately even in the somewhat matured world of hs.....bullying is alive and well and apparently Z is once again a target. He says rarely a day goes by that he is not called a fag or assorted other names. And he has spent more time in the office fending off false stories that have been started about him than he has actually spent in class. Practically the whole theater crew for their newest production was ready to kill him because a couple of young ladies who do not like Z went and told everyone he was walking out on the show. Even the teacher/director was mad until Z finally was able to explain to everyone that he in fact had never said or thought that. The final straw was the other day when Z went to school and he had kids coming up touching his face to see if he was bruised or beat up. For some unexplainable reason some kid that Z rarely even talks to came to school with a broken hand and said that it happened when he beat the sh!t out of Z in the hallway at school. He went so far as to say that "the whole school" saw it and that Z's face was beat to a pulp. Needless to say.....Z's face was fine and no one had really seen it happen....thus the curiosity with Z's face. Again....Z spent time in the office explaining that he hadn't even talked to this kid....let alone been hit by him. But the wildfires of gossip are burning brilliantly at MHS and because Z denied it happened....now the kids is threatening that it will in fact happen before school is out! Please!

Z has about had it....as have I. I AM ANGRY! After talking to the principal at the high school....who I like and think she has a pretty good handle on things.....one thing became abundantly clear: Hands are tied until kids speak up and kids are not going to speak up as long as they feel threatened, feel that they are going to be treated even worse if they do speak up.....and as long as bullying is accepted by the majority! And this goes above and beyond school and into the real world. Any place in life where bullies reside whether it be school, work, home, etc.....as long as there is acceptance...there will be no change.

So here is what I told Z. First of all you have to define bullying. When asked what he thought bullying was, he said....being mean to other kids, calling names, lying about them and starting rumors about kids. I agreed and added: any time someone threatens another person, physically or verbally abuses another person, lies about or gossips about another person and finally....anyone that stands by and watches someone else bully someone and does nothing about it.....that is bullying! Z immediately realized that as bullied as he has been....he has also done a bit of bullying himself by gossiping and yes....watching someone else get bullied and doing nothing about it. 

Z and I decided that from this moment on.....stopping bullying cannot be left up to the principal or the teachers. It has to start at the student level. How do you start and what do you do? One person has to say NO! I will not allow you to bully me or anyone else! It has to be said loud and it has to be said often! If one person has the courage to stand up then maybe another one will and another one, until maybe one day the bullying will stop. It only continues because it is accepted. The minute it quits being acceptable....then it will dwindle away. These kids need to learn to respect both themselves and others and they need to treat as they want to be treated. If not....they are going to continue a pattern of abuse and bullying throughout their lives. It will follow them into the workplace and their home and they will pass it onto their kids and as we have seen....each generation seems to be getting worse.

How's this all going to pan out? I am not sure, but last night....I took my own advice and decided to start being the change I wanted to see in the world. I stopped a family bully dead in his tracks by first pointing out that his behavior was that of a bully and always had been and that I would no longer tolerate it. To my shock and amazement....he backed down. He had never before seen himself for the bully he was and I think he was shocked to his very core. Today....Z went to school prepared to be the change. He is not shy and he is tired of the abuse. I have no doubt if bullies were present today....they were called out!

There are bullies in all walks of life. We all know at least one. Maybe we work with them, go to school with them or even live with them. Maybe they know full well they are a bully but continue on with their bullying ways.....because they are allowed to. Maybe though....they don't always realize the effect their actions have on others. Maybe they don't realize they are bullies. And maybe it was never made clear in our lives or maybe we simply forgot that standing by and watching bullying without making an effort to stop it.....is nearly as bad as the act itself. Whatever the case maybe.....isn't it time we took a stand and taught our kids to do the same? All we have to do is say: No! I will not be bullied...nor will I allow anyone else to! Who knows.....those words could be the key to one less bully in the world...and a world with one less bully has got to be good! 

So I am now jumping off my soapbox and ending this. I think I will end my blog today with a song that pretty much sums up how I feel about my part in all of this, Z's part in all of this....and yes....even your part in all of this. I leave you with Michael Jackson and Man in the Mirror. Happy Friday!

****** sorry for the late posting! Blogger has been down a good portion of the day!

Grrrrr and the Little Voice

Do you ever just wake up mad? I mean mad to the point of just growling at everything in your path? That is how I feel  today. I am just ready to growl and then crawl back in bed until tomorrow. I have no idea why.....I just know that today may not be a good day....for anyone in my path. 

I am feeling pretty negative about everything today....as if I have a bone to pick with everyone. Truth be told, there are actually a few out there that do in fact deserve my wrath and who are going to have to deal with me today. The rest of the world? Well let me apologize in advance for any run ins that you have to have with me. I am fairly sure it won't be pretty for either of us and I may not come out looking very good in the process.

There is a HUGE piece of me right now that is looking for any reason NOT to have to go to the gym today. Sitting here typing....a million and one excuses are flashing through my mind about why I really don't need to face the elliptical today. Everything from sore knees to I could go to work early and actually.....work! However.....as negative as I feel, I do know that if I go to the gym and fight through the negativity.....at least for a little while.......I will feel better. I will have pushed myself and I will have accomplished something. And goodness knows that today.....I need to feel better. I will go workout, but I have no doubt that between now and then, the little devil sitting on my shoulder will do everything in his power to talk me out of it. Someone should really tell the little pointy tailed dude that in the mood I am in today.....he probably shouldn't be messing with me.

Well....I think it is safe to officially say that spring is here. You can feel it in the air and see it in the kids. They are all restless and anxious and ready but not ready for summer vacation. I remember as a kid, being so excited for summer to get here but at the same time actually mourning the end of the school year a bit. During school you have a scheduled routine which helps to make your life make sense. You know where you are suppose to be, when you are suppose to be there and who you are suppose to be there with for at least 8-10 hours of your day. The day that last school bell rings for the year.....all of that routine and sense is out the window. You don't get to see the same people on a daily basis anymore and in high school, some of the faces that you have grown accustomed to, you will not ever see again in the school setting.

In the midst of waiting for school to be out, there is also a certain amount of stress/tension in the air. The "end" is coming. There are still finals to take. The days are luxuriously longer making it tremendously difficult to come in at night, get to sleep at a decent hour or concentrate on anything that doesn't include the opposite sex, the outdoors or sleeping until noon. It is a crazy time of year and my teenager is driving me crazy with all of these emotions.....causing me to have a few pent up emotions of my own. Even David is feeling the effects of spring and the end of the school year. His attitude is reflecting the change he senses is upon him. Hopefully though....this summer in no way resembles last summer and both the boys and I have an absolutely awesome time.

Well, I have rambled on about pretty much.....nothing in today's blog, and now it is time to do something productive. (Yeah! Good luck with that!) My inner voice is still screaming that it wants to go back to bed or to Walmart or pretty much anywhere else that doesn't require gym attire and me to do an hour on an elliptical, but luckily I have the ability to choke the life out of that little voice and move on.....which is just what I intend to do!

So being that today's mood is so iffy at best, I felt it required an extra special video. Today I leave you with a video of the song......that Rick Springfield was singing when he sweated on me. He is just too hot for words in this video but back up girls......he is mine.....oh....and his wifes! Here is Love Somebody!

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Wow! It has been awhile...but time marches on. School has started, fall is in the air and every Friday night home game....I can hear all the football action out my bedroom window (one of the perks of living a block from the football field).

Life is beginning to take a different shape. Zachary is back in actual school for his freshman year. No more eschool and no more "mom having to teach subjects she was never any good at in the first place!" Miraculously....eschool did work and Zachary is doing pretty good in school....if we can just keep him there. He is still fighting mono and someday's I think the mono is winning.

David is doing very well in school this year. He seems to have adjusted to the transition of a new school nicely. It took him all of about 30 seconds to make the grade school his own. While he has had some hit and miss mini seizures....he has had none at school and no health issues which have made him miss school. He did however just have his 10th birthday....which he got to celebrate with his friends at school. This is a first in a long time....as the last few years he has been sick on his birthday. Yay....we have made it a decade! And what a decade it has been!

Have I mentioned that I bake cheesecakes......and sell them? Well....I do! I actually have played with having a cheesecake business for about 15 years. Due to life circumstances though....it has been an off and on venture, which more times than not was off rather than on. Thanks to local friends and even a few "not so local" friends and facebook.....my little one woman cheesecake show is starting to get some recognition....and dare I say....fans?! So look out world....here comes the Cheesecake Chick!

So....this morning....a beauty of a morning might I add, I was thinking of those old school assignments where when you head back to school after summer.....the teacher says..."I want you to write a paper about what you did over your summer vacation." And I thought about all that I have done, seen, felt, and been a part of over the last few months. So if I were given this assignment....here is what I would write:

What I Did Over My Summer Vacation

What I did over my summer vacation? Well....lets put it this way....there was no vacation involved. I worked! I worked at home, away from home and I baked cheesecakes......many....many....cheesecakes. 

I spent a lot of time running back and forth between home and the ER and home and the hospital. I spent Memorial Day in the ER as well as Father's Day and we watched fireworks on the 4th of July from the 5th floor window at the hospital. 

I began a lifestyle change and found exercise to be more of a friend..... instead of just the acquaintance that it once was. I also finally realized that 30 min. of cardio a day can change blood pressure numbers dramatically. I started on a  road to rediscovering who I really am instead of just who I was allowing myself to become.

I learned a lot about science, ethics, and theology and spent a great deal of time voicing my opinion on all of it. 

I voted in the primaries and became very disillusioned with politics on both sides of most issues.

I learned to breathe and remembered to pray. 

I fell in love with a  cousin who was 4 years old and who taught me that life is short so you have to live it to the fullest. I followed his life as he showed the world that even cancer could not break his fighting spirit. I cheered for him during his high's and I prayed constantly for him and his family during his lows. Finally, when it was evident that God's will was not that Nicky stay here on earth.....I cried. I cried for his family, and yet couldn't help but smile at the fact that heaven had its' newest angel.....who was cancer free (which is what we had all been praying for all along). 

I learned that I have friends. Many good and wonderful friends who have my back, who are there for me at a moments notice, who are willing to push me to be my best self......and best of all.....friends who are willing to stop and say a prayer for me when they know I need it most.

Finally....as summer was coming to an end...I got to actually have some fun. I got to reconnect with old friends, make some new ones..... and just  let my hair down, play a bit and actually enjoy a weekend for once. 

So to sum it all up.....my summer had some pretty good highs as well as some pretty drastic lows. But for the first time in many years....things started to change....for the better I'm thinking..... and nothing good or bad happened that in the end didn't work itself out. 

So folks....as leaves are beginning to show their fall wardrobe and the temperatures are starting to dip.....looking back.....this is how I spent my summer vacation!

Change Is On It's Way

Well....they headed off this morning....and I realize that the number of times I would kiss them good-bye and send them on their way to their  first day of a new school year, were growing fewer with each passing year.

My house had excited early risers who were dressed without being told to get ready a zillion times, and attitudes were excited, happy, and READY for the first day. Of course...next Monday I am sure will be a different story, with snooze alarms being hit over and over again, gripes and grumbles as they are told for the 3rd, 4th and 5th times to get dressed, and general irritation and panic as one realizes he did NOT get all of his homework done and we can't find the other ones leg braces. All will soon again be normal as the count down for Christmas break, then Spring break and finally summer is on again.

Now though....my house is washed in silence. Even the dogs seem to sense the day and realize that change is upon us. Two new schools, new teachers, new friends, and new experiences. Today is full of possibilities and promise for a wonderful new year. For me though....it is also full of a little sadness that my two little boys have turned into two big boys and are both racing to become young men. If only they realized that when you reach a certain age....the frantic rush to grow up turns to a panicked wish that time would just simply stand still and let you catch your breath.

I was almost sure as I waited on the porch for David's bus this morning that I felt a breeze beckoning change. Is it too early to smell the musty fall smells or hear the already falling leaves crunch beneath your feet? Well maybe a little, but with the break in the heat, and school starting.....there is no doubt in my mind.....that change is on it's way.