Wednesday, January 5, 2011

To Grudge or De-Grudge

With the New Year upon us....I am trying to develop new attitudes (because apparently it has been established that mine is sh!tty), new ways of thinking about old issues, and most of all...letting go of much of what stresses me on a day to day basis. Why? Because that day to day stress is why I am blogging at almost 12:30 a.m. instead of sleeping.

As I said in my New Years only resolution this year was to let God lead, so I am not sure if this new attitude...etc. stuff is happening because I am turning things over to God or if by turning things over to God....this is all happening. Confusing isn't it? Yep....this is what goes through my mind when I should actually be sleeping.

One part of the attitude change (I am sure you will be hearing about more parts later) is the the letting go of past hurts. If you ask me straight out if I held grudges or was mad at anyone.....I would lie through my teeth and say...."no of course not." It wouldn't be a deliberate would simply be a "at the moment" lie....meaning at that moment no grudges or anger would come to mind. However....give me a sleepless night or have someone who at some point in my life I feel has wronged me, turn around and tick me off again.....and believe me...the anger boils and my grudge holding becomes something legends are made of.

Luckily....there are only a handful of people that I can honestly say have offended me in my life to the point of grudge holding and out of those....only a couple of those people do I hold grudges that might be therapy worthy. I can also say that in my past I have held more grudges than I currently do and whether it was because of prayer, disinterest, or just the fact that with the passing of time I simply can't remember what happened or why I was mad.....those grudges are no more and I am at peace with the people they concerned. Sadly though....there are still those that I have as yet not been able to let go of.

Probably the worst grudges I still hold are those involving family.....and one member in particular. This person truly knows so little about who I am now as opposed to many years ago when this whole thing started...and honestly from my adult perspective in the here and now...I could care less what this persons opinion of me is.....until they open their mouth to speak ill of me. Then I care. It makes absolutely no sense and I can go for months and even years and never think about the anger....and then all it takes is one careless word from this individual and my anger shoots to the surface and every past unkind word or action this person ever pushed in my direction feels as raw as if it happened today.

Family are not the only ones who have the hidden wrath of my grudges. There are a few men from my past who have caused me pain and who if they crossed me today might not like the results of those actions. Again....I never dwell on the past.....but in weak moments I can still lie awake at night and plot uncarried out revenge on those who I feel deserving.

Finally one individual I hold a horrible grudge towards is someone who used to be a friend. There are not a lot of people that I have high amounts of respect for or that I look up to. This person I did. One day though, it was as if the world changed and this person unloaded on me, my children and everything about my life. When it happened I confronted the situation head on and was apologized to profusely. Because of the regard I held for this person....I did let it go, but it happened again. Again my child was drug into it as was how I lived my life both physically and spiritually and this time if felt like a total and very personal attack. Again....I dealt with it head on....but I felt as if it fell on deaf ears. To make things worse....I was discussed by this person to many people (not that any of them cared one way or another) but I did. Now....every time I see this person, I want to declare war and have an all out verbal battle in front of the world. Mature....right? I think the reason I have such anger towards this individual is because I thought so highly of this person and believed them to be somebody or something they weren't. Maybe my anger is more at my own naivety than at the actual circumstance.....although the actual circumstance was pretty crappy.

There are a few others who whether they realize it or not (most do) that I hold grudges of varying degrees towards. And what is bad is I feel petty and immature feeling this way....not to mention how I must sound, but it is simply the way I feel. My late husband always used to say, "you are gonna feel the way you feel....until you don't feel that way anymore." In theory this is true, but in reality.....I feel like I need to push the process of NOT feeling this way anymore along.

I am not sure just how to de-grudge myself. I know it has a lot to do with letting go and forgiving. I am just not sure how to do either of those things in these particular situations. I guess this is just something else that I need to allow God to take the lead with....but for me....that is just so much easier said than done. But that doesn't mean I won't give it the old college try. After would be such a nice feeling not to feel anger towards anyone.....even if they did act or say something that was unkind or hurtful.

Yes....forgiveness would be a wonderful thing. But then again.....without my grudges, whatever would I do at night without my revenge to plot???? Oh yeah......sleep!

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