I Don't Got This

In the last couple of weeks....it has been the first time since before Christmas that I have actually taken a real breath. I have spent all these months worrying, praying and trying hard to keep everything in my hemisphere from falling apart (aka....controlling everything in my hemisphere). As I was emotionally going down for the last time....I finally cried "Uncle!" and gave up! I gave up control and turned it over to God. Yeah, I am an expert in handing it over and taking it back, but this time.....I don't want it back! I don't want control. I want peace of mind, soul, heart and body. In the midst of all my praying, I could have sworn I heard Tim (my late husband) and my mother saying in chorus, "Hows all this you controlling everything.....working out for you?" The answer was clear....it wasn't. When I heard those words, whether it was them really speaking to me from the beyond or simply my common sense chiming in disguised as my two late loved ones, the reality was pretty clear. Either I needed to truly let go and let God, or I could continue to spiral into oblivion. Was there really a choice after that?

I have started finding me again little by little and I have been able to start sorting through the clutter in my brain. I am learning what is important and what isn't and funny enough, the important pile doesn't seem to be stacking up all that high. My finances which seem to rule my life, well I realize those can only be remedied by gainful employment and unfortunately, that employment has to be specific to my family and my financial needs. In recent months, I have jumped on every lead hoping that if "it" wasn't the right job, it might lead me to the right job. I have driven myself crazy hearing either you aren't right or you are simply unemployable at this time or worse yet....hearing nothing at all. I was really feeling like a 4th class person in a 1st class world. Finally I decided to quit playing tug of war with God and just let Him handle this too. I have no doubt that soon there will be the right job and it will be better than even "I" could have "planned" for.

We seem to be moving out of the black cloud that the last few months brought us. Life seems to be finding a normal and the crazy, busy pace that my world and my summer seems to have taken on feel healing. Yes, there are still speed bumps and the occasional wrong turn, but prospective seems to have returned and nothing is derailing at this moment.

One thing that seems to feel more like a complication than a positive motivation is social media. It is very easy to get sucked into negativity and become negative if too much time is spent on social media. It is the ultimate double edged sword. Because of this, I am rethinking social media and my place there. I have decided that I am not leaving fb because I have a great many groups I started, plus....that is where I post my blogs. However.....don't expect to see me on there much. Yes, you will likely continue to see pool progress pictures and blogs, but you won't likely see much else from me. It is summer and I need to refocus and find out who Lisa is. After all, how can I possibly continue to hold the title of Queen of Lisaland, if I don't know who Lisa really is? I refuse to let stress and fear control me anymore and both of those things are fueled by negativity, so I am stepping away. I am listening for God's gentle whisper to guide me. I am hearing that I don't have to worry or fear, He's got this. I am really happy to hear this as it has become quite evident that I don't got this.

There is change happening. If you could see my backyard you would know how evident that was. There is also change inside of me. I feel it and soon it will be visible to the naked eye. I am finding my smile again and I feel the humor creeping back in. There is energy there and positivity that I have only been able to at best....fake these last few months. The words, everything happens through God the way it is suppose to happen and in His time keep coming into my mind. I feel that there is good ahead and all these last years and months have been lessons in preparation for what is about to be. I am not a victim, I am especially chosen for this journey because God has faith in me. He has given me physical and spiritual lifetime boot-camp so that when I get through this obstacle course, I come out stronger, happier and closer to Him. The least I can do is show Him that His faith has not been wasted.

In the process of all that is happening....I hope to stay pretty prolific with the blogging but I am even leaving that in His hands right now. When the timing is right there will be blogs! :) For now though, I am imagining myself a child on a swing, swinging high and feeling the wind in my hair and the heights excitedly taking my breath away. I don't have a care in the world because my Father who loves me has got this. All I have to do is trust in Him and relax. And you know what.....relaxing feels really good right about now!