Things My Mother Taught Me

This was a piece I wrote in memory of my mom a while back. I know it has been read by many of you before....but try as I might...I have not been able to come up with words that say how my heart feels about my mother...better than this. So on this...my 7th Mother's Day without her....I share this once again.

She was beautiful in every way and she was wise...far wiser than she was ever given credit for. She always marched to her own beat and could be your best friend or your worst enemy....it just depended which side of her you were on. She was a flawed human just like the rest of us....but somehow those flaws made her more vulnerable, more approachable, more Mom. She was a force to be reckoned with and she more than once brought fear into the hearts of my friends....but most ended up loving her and those that didn't....they still had a healthy respect.

My mother taught me many things and today...on Mother's Day....I would like to share some memories and lessons from a woman gone too soon.

She taught me that children are a gift and no matter what....we must always love them. I learned this from personal experience as she always considered me a gift and loved me through good and bad.....and sometimes I was very bad.

She taught me that we are not owed anything in this life and to expect this will only cause us heartache and pain. It is when we work for things we are truly rewarded. This has proven to be true so many times in my life.

Her favorite saying no matter what horrid thing happened to us was...."offer it up." Translation: God offered up His only son for our sins....so we can offer up our pain and suffering to Him. If I skinned my knee....she would kiss it, bandage it, and then tell me to "offer it up." If I failed a test and was upset about it she would say...."offer it up." Even when I was older and I was hurt by things that a kiss and bandage would no longer fix....she would listen and then tell me...."offer it up." Mom always felt that if you must suffer (and we all must) that if you offered it up....your pain would not be in vain. Guess what my children now get to hear????

Mom taught me that you are never closer to God or your own thougths than when you work in the garden. There is a peace and serenity there that can't be matched anywhere else. That is unless you run into a copperhead snake....but that is a story for another time.

She taught me that I would never truly be able to love someone else if I couldn't love myself. If you can't love yourself....then how do you expect anyone else to love you? It took me a lot of years and an awful relationship...but finally I learned to love me....and everything else fell into place.

Mom taught me that faith is essential in life and that prayer moves mountains. I was taught from a very early age to pray not on my terms but on Gods. All prayers are answered....just not always in our time or our way. My little David is living proof.

I learned from Mom that if one is good....then five are better. This may not have been one of her better life lessons...but if sure has been a fun one....especially where shoes are concerned. I mean really can you have too many shoes? Mom had 150 pair when she died....and many still live on in my closet today. Thanks Mom. :)

Finally and more importantly....Mom taught me how to die. Mom had five primary cancers before she died, she went through the loss of a lung, 3 other surgeries, and both radiation and chemo and never once did I hear her complain. Every time anyone would ask how she was doing she would always say, "if it doesn't get any worse than this....then I'm doing pretty good." You can bet Mom was doing a lot of "offering up." She never lost faith that whatever happened next was "suppose" to happen and she used every second of her life to enjoy what time she could. And finally......when the end came....she showed us that she had lived life on her terms and that she would die on her terms. She left this world with more class and dignity than anyone I have ever known.

Mom taught me that life is for the living. Death is inevitable but not to be dwelled on. She made sure that she taught me to let go of the sadness and to only hold on to the good....to the lifetime of memories.....and so Mom...that is what I've done. Happy Mother's Day.

Waiting For the Other Shoe to Drop

So it is going to be a bit difficult to write this post without sounding like a whiner....but really...I'm not! The fact is...in the last decade I have had one crisis, loss, tragedy, problem, and down right bad day after another. It started in 2000 when my youngest son was born prematurely and had a five month roller coaster stay in the neonatal unit, followed by finding out my mother had lung cancer (this was her third cancer) on the same day that my husband suddenly died of a brain aneurysm. Then we had mom's radiation and chemotherapy, followed by her death. Then we almost lost our home. Then we did lose our home and moved to the home I grew up in (and don't think that didn't cause some head-in-the-bag hyper-ventilating moments). Then I had issues with my son. He had drug issues, and behavior issues, and "I hate my mother" issues. Then the stress of it all caused ME health issues. And then there were the money issues brought on partly by my health issues and the resulting bills. We also had the health issues of my youngest son......and the multitude of trips to the ER, the stays in the hospital and the numerous times his little life was in danger of ending. Then my older son began having health issues which were followed by almost a months worth of hospital stays. I then began dealing with creditors constantly harassing me over unpaid bills which were unpaid because I couldn't find a job that was willing to let me take off at the drop of hat if my youngest son got sick.
Amazingly....I did eventually find a job that was willing to work with me, only to find myself in a job with a bipolar CEO (my diagnosis...nothing was ever officially proven) and an administrative clique that would rival even the nastiest high school mean girls. Because I was unwilling to bow down and take the character assassinations they were doling out to all those they considered "beneath" them....one stooped to the level of calling me out as a mother. All hell broke loose and I quickly ended my employment. Then there were more children's health issues, more hospital stays, more unpaid bills, more bill collector calls, my father's failing health, and once again the possibility of eventually losing my home....and no possibility of a job that would be willing to work with my situation. Now I know all of this sounds pretty gloomy and dark....not to mention like something out of a bad soap opera....but this has been my life. Now, I guess this is the part where I should follow up and say....there have been blessings mixed in with all of this. There have been happy times and I have gotten to know who my friends truly are and realized that I have had some friends all along that I didn't even know were there. But the fact remains I have issues with trust. Not really with trusting people (although that last job did put some peoples motives in question)...but my real trust issues are with LIFE! When you have a stretch of life where you have a consistent assault of issue ridden years, it is very hard not to spend your time looking over your shoulder and waiting for the next illness, death, piece of bad news....or basically waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I went to a therapist for a while who told me that I had what was called...post traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS) and her advice was for me to relax. How could I possibly relax when the other shoe could drop at any moment? Stupid woman!!!! But actually the PTSS did make some sense to me, although I knew that the "relaxing" thing probably wasn't going to happen.
I did however take a step back and start paying more attention to the world around me. There were many people who had it so much worse than I did and often times they did not appear to have the "what next?" attitude. And to be quite honest...I had been brought up by a faith filled mother who had given me enough verbal adages and life examples to get through anything. I know that God never gives me anything that I can't handle (although I am pretty sure at times....He has me confused with someone else) and I also know that if you pray you should have enough faith not to worry and to know that God will handle it all. Alas though...I am human....so I both pray and worry.
Today I woke up and it was a good day. We are all currently healthy and things seem to be going in a good direction (with the exception of a non-immediate family member or two). I still have piles of bills that glare at me monthly and a special little stack that will most likely only get paid if the government gives ME a bailout....but for today....things are good. I simply have to come to terms with the fact that I really have no control over tomorrow or even later today...and that God in His infinite wisdom is not picking on me or giving me more than I can handle.
But you know...even if life stays a steady course for awhile and there are no swarms of locust, natural disasters, or hospital runs....old habits are hard to break. So if you see me looking over my shoulder and sweating a little.....you will know it is just me....waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The National Day of Prayer

The National Day of Prayer has taken a beating this year. It has been debated, dissected, and turned into a media dream. Why this year? Why now more so, than any year since 1952? Especially, when it appears that more than ever before we as a country need some uniting?
I know that the old church vs. state argument stating we need a secular government is the first thing that is screamed out by opponents....but the National Day of Prayer is not a law....merely an observance. No one is being forced to pray and no particular religion is being singled out. It is also not merely a Christian observance. Anyone who prays can take part and for those atheist who stomp their feet and cry fowl.....they can meditate...unless of course thinking good thoughts about and for your fellow man and your country is against their own personal beliefs.
What I am saying here is this: This country is in a world of hurt right now. We are having major floods in the south as well as the oil spill in the gulf; we have homeless, jobless people running around; abuse, neglect, and so many other forms of human disrespect. We are in a recession with layoffs and foreclosures happening all around us; and a country divided by political unrest. Wouldn't you think that a day where we all prayed, meditated on or even just wished for some help, some unity, some common ground would be a welcomed change? Or is a united country NOT the "change" that is being sought?
And there has been much controversy and rumor over President Obama's part in this NDP. Rumors have flown that he was canceling it, forbidding it, etc. This does not happen to be true. He has supported it in the past....he has just said he will not take part in it this year. My question....WHY? Why would the leader of a country which is starting to visibly divide and is so full of misunderstanding, intolerance, and racism (from all sides)....not take this day to unite this country? Why instead, would he use it as a tool to further divide. And his very actions by "not taking part" are showing that division in this country is perhaps what he is trying (very successfully might I add) to achieve.
Well....I have done some thinking about this whole situation and I have decided this: prayer is stronger than any man, any group, any weapon, and any naysayer. So I will pray today and with my prayers and the many prayers and good thoughts of others.....we will be heard. I will pray for my country, my fellow American's, our men and women serving their country and all those including you Mr. President who chose not to observe this day.....because as our Pledge of Allegiance so eloquently put it....we are One Nation Under God!

The Power Over Control

Okay....so I admit that I am just the teensiest bit controlling. Fine....I would control everything from the weather to Jay Leno's monologue if I could, but in my defense.....it is not completely my fault. I come from a long line of control freaks...so I believe that I am genetically inclined to this behavior. It is one of my more "un"lovable qualities and one that believe it or not...I spend a great deal of time working on. Believe me....it takes a lot of time and energy to try and control everything in your hemisphere....and when it comes to having the last word.....you just know that is gonna be something I have to have. As much havic as this little flaw imparts on my personal life.....it is nothing compared to what it has done to my spiritual life.

"Let go and let God," was my mothers favorite saying. She too loved to control all in her kingdom....but somewhere along the way, she learned that somethings are completely out of our human control....and more importantly....you simply can't control God. I too am fighting to learn these lessons. I am finding that the older I get....the less control over anything I really have....(although I am still quite good at demanding the last word), but in all things that really count....the only true control I have is the control God allows me.

My spiritual education about just how little control over things in my life that I really had....began with the premature birth of my youngest son. As he lay between life and death day after day...I realized that I had zero control over whether he would live or not. All control was out of my hands....the only one in true control was God.

When I came home to find my husband dead....there was simply nothing that myself or any other human for that matter could do to change this situation. Once again....God was in control....and I was a control freak....with absolutely no control.

Finally.....I think the realization of how little control I really have in this world came to me when my mother was sick. Cancer turned my mother from someone who had to control every situation.....to someone who could easily...."Let go and let God." She became a true child of God.....happily turning her illness, her life, and her heart over to Him....and willingly accepting His will for her....not the other way around. For me....it was another spiritual life lesson that once again brought home the fact that....there was absolutely nothing about the situation that I could control.

I think it was just a short time after my mothers death....when I was feeling very "out of control" about life in general....that I began searching for something that would return my world (and control) back to me. I spent some time doing some major soul searching and looking for an answer(s) that I may have overlooked. Finally...after much searching and even more praying.....one day in a quiet one on with God it came to me. In all these situations where I had felt so totally devoid of control....I had something much more important. I had power. I always had the power right there at my fingertips....I had the power to pray. I had the power to let go of all that was out of my control....and like a child....let God handle it all. (Thus my mothers lesson in learning to be a "true" child of God.) I think it was then that I realized that where control does nothing more than fill your life.....power actually fills your soul....and when you have power....then you really don't need control.

If I am completely honest....control still tries to rear its ugly head in my life on a daily basis.....especially when my son goes without a belt and I can see his underwear, when it rains on my picnic....or when Leno isn't funny, but I have also learned that I have the power to ignore my sons fashion choices, to bring my picnic inside, and to turn off the television....and more importantly I have learned that I have the power through prayer....to turn it all over to God. Don't get me wrong....I still have the "last word" issue....but I am merely a work in progress....so for now.....we will be satisfied with baby steps.

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